35th European Conference and Convention of Narcotics Anonymous in Zürich, Switzerland

Hello everyone,

Ahmad Senar, I'm an addict.

Hans only thinks about me as a half person.

I have a double name. I want to thank you, the convention company, for inviting me here to speak. And I think it's really, really nice of you to make me

compress 30 years of membership in N 822 minutes. That's true sadism. But but being in masochist as I am, I think I can handle it.

I've gone through a lot of pain in my recovery and we know all know the story before

in using days and mine is my story. And and to compress it. I can tell you that I grew up being bullied. I was locked in the child psychiatric ward. I was medicated as a child, I was sexually abused the whole 9 yards. And luckily I had some fantastic parents that

put up with everything that I did. And those they are one reason why I'm still here today. Bless their hearts, they're playing a harp on the cloud today.

They have the privilege to see me clean.

When I came into NA was extremely small. We were about somewhere between 20 and 40 people in NX. We we had no literature. We had English literature and the steps, I think that we were step 1-2 and three were paper copy. It's a Xerox. So many times you could, you could, you couldn't even read them.

I spoke to Pete before and we've opened up a paper and it was a cross in the paper.

You couldn't see the letters. That's how much we used them. And, and, and, and so it was very hard in those days. We didn't have any step working guide or anything like that. And we had one meeting a week where we came from. I think we were about eight or nine members in NA when I came in

in Gothenburg then I live in Stockholm today. The thing is that we did loads of a A meetings in between the NA meetings

during 1990 didn't exist if you didn't do any meetings. And I'm very grateful to a A. But NA is my home, it speaks my language and today I do NA meaning solemnly.

One thing that I heard earlier in recovery is take what we want and leave the rest. But in my addicted mind I heard fuck the rest.

And The thing is that I did that. I didn't give a shit about doing the steps. I didn't work the steps. I read all the literature and I did the meetings, but I didn't work the steps. And I can tell you one thing. I know what recovery in speed of a snail is

being clean

and still having the behavior patterns once I started wanting on it. I heard in the meetings early in those days in the beginning of the 90s was was oh I don't know if I'm going to use tomorrow to me that opened my door for a relapse thing is that that was setting up my mind for a relapse. So when I relapsed 1992,

that's what one of the things that that that really made me do that

and when I came back into the rooms again, that emergency sign that I had had to be taken down. I had to take a decision to never use again. And no matter what

thing is, if I take a decision in my heart that I don't want again, that's the key. But when times gets really, really tough, I need to bring it down to one day at a time, one hour at a time or a minute at a time. But my goal is to stay clean for the rest of my life. I don't want that shit whole of life

in my life and more. I've been there, I've done that. I ain't going back and that decision has stuck with me as we brought some really rough times and I have a lot of issues in my my life. I'm bipolar, I've got ADHD. You know, if you if you name something, I probably got it. I'm an addict. I want more of everything.

That's, that's just the way it is. But

what The thing is that once I started working the steps, what are when I started writing the steps, because I saw friends of mine that was in the fellowship and they, they, they developed what I didn't. I still had the emotional patterns, the the, the, the anger, the resentment, all that was still there even though I was clean.

But once I started working the steps and starting to know myself, I, I was scared.

Today I can look in hindsight, I can say I was scared. You know when you've been bullied, you've been brought up and people tell you you're stupid, you're worthless, you can't do anything, All that all that shit, you'd start to believe that it becomes truth. So myself worth my my

self-image was so

law that once I got and I go to the program as a prayer answer, I should say that I forgot that in the beginning and and when I went went to my first meeting, I heard this voice in my head saying this is what you prayed for. Take care of it and you should be delivered. So to me, the program is God-given.

What you believe, that's your choice. But I think that that that's the way it is. So what I I

being a member

in those first eight years, one of the excuses I had was, oh, I don't need to do the steps because I already believe in God.

Oh, I've already been to my priest and done my confession and so on. So all these excuses and I grew up with the punishing God.

Once I started working the steps, Step one,

and I started realizing that,

you know what, I had a short circuit now that blanked out and that's OK. That too.

Thank you.

When I had made him my powerlessness and I started really

admit my perilousness not only for the disease of addiction, but for my behavior patterns and everything because it goes deeper than just the addiction. It says in the basic text in the beginning that our problem is is a result. Our addiction is a result as a as a result of a deeper problem. I think it says

Swedish, but you wouldn't understand it then.

And that's the truth. Because all these behavior patterns that I had, I was powerless for. I needed to identify them. And then once I started working Step 2,

I started defining letting the higher power in. And what I needed to do there was to change the perspective of my higher, higher power

to that, I think, I think I heard somewhere a loving God.

And that was really hard for me

because I've learned that, oh, let me give you example. When I sat at the table at home and I spilled out a glass of meat, I got one like that. And then dad said God will punish you.

So I I grew up with a punishment and then suddenly I hear,

oh, you're gonna have a loving higher power.

And then that I can define it myself.

And that had made it so much easier. And step three, once I started working step three and letting go

saying like

taking a decision to leave my will over the power of God, which was very, very, very hard. I think it's very hard for most of us because we, we need, we suffer from control issues. I I suffer from control issues

and I've heard so many people saying about step four, it's so terrible. It's her. Were they scared and everything? I'll tell you what, to me, step four was one of the most beautiful things that I've gone through because suddenly I realized I'm not bad.

I realized that I have pros and I have cons. And one of the promises that comes with the problem is that our weaknesses should be become our strength.

But in step four, we need to identify these weaknesses

and then Step 5, just leave it to somebody else was just wonderful. Step 6

that was. That was a hard one for me.

That was a really hard one for me. Imagine if if you have a higher power and the higher power sets of an agenda, it says, well, this week we're going to do gluttony and everything you read, everything you hear, the meetings, everything you see on TV. It's all about clothing.

Next week it comes to

another one of these and this kept on for almost 5 1/2 months

and it came to a point when I said to the man after herself, are we done yet?

And then I was. The thing is that I was so confronted with my character defect, so it just prepared me for having Step 7 and having God remove those shortcomings.

I really, really love this process and I've always said to my sponsors, don't go into relationship before step 7, preferably before step eight or nine. And people say, why do you want to give away a defect person or do you want to give away somebody that has been healed? Because that's what it's all about. Once we work the steps up to Step 7,

something happens within us

that we don't act out on our defects. And if I go into a relationship when I haven't worked the program, you can bet that you will act out on the defects if it's the LLC or suspicion or whatever. But once I've done, the steps become so much better.

Step eight and nine are, are beautiful and, and they are scary sometimes. And there are some, some issues around them that, that where, where we should or should not.

And when my problem was that some of the stuff that I had on my, I am immensely sports stuff that was like 15 years old and I called friends in the fellowship. And, and then because when I moved back to my old hometown, I used to break into daycare centre every month when they start, they did their monthly purchase of food. I filled a backpack and a couple of paper bags, and then I could use them, buy drugs for the rent money instead.

And of course, when he moved back, my youngest son, he gets assigned to that place. And that was not really funny, I can tell you that. But then the parentheses of Fellowship told me

and it says in in step 9, making amends, except when it would harm others.

And he asked me, would it harm somebody? Yeah, my son, yeah. Then he shouldn't do it. And we came into the yard and

two out of these

three women that were work there used to work there when I broke in. And it was painful to do to go through that, but I didn't hurt my son by saying anything. But I tell his story is that we have to think about when we do

immense and when we don't.

And I love step 10 because it helps me not to build up a backpack of of trouble.

I really love the program because

it helps me

on a daily basis, because it says that we should do it, that we should practice these principles in all our affairs. And basically to me,

and hope to you too, is that you take a nutrition circle and in the middle of it and the core, that's NA all the stuff that we learn here. And then it has to,

I don't know the word,

but it has to shine into every aspect of our life. And that's what it's all about. South. I've become honest. I've become and I do things that I would never do before and people trust me in a way people didn't do it before because I've changed so much.

And I really love NAI, really love the program because it's changed me to a better version of myself.

And today I am myself. I wasn't myself before. I had different clothing styles. I tried to be somebody else all the time.

This has made me become me, the version of who I want to be.

Then one of the big keys in my recovery is prayer meditation, Step 11. That is something that I practice on a daily basis today. And it's that connection because I have a loving higher power than one to, to, to, to show me things and tell me things. And I, I have a life, a regular life outside of the rooms. And for example, if I'm, I'm about to do this business deal,

umm, just couple about a month ago or two, I was supposed to go over to UK and buy a car and I got this strong prompting not to

and I listened to that one. I didn't

because I did the other way, because my ego is very, very strong and it's hard to hear the silent whisperings of your higher power when the ego has a megaphone. That's the way it is. So I went to and bought another car in the UK three years ago and I was prompted not to.

And I've lost so much money due to that because I didn't listen.

Harder lesson to learn. So I'm more cautious about using parent meditation in my daily life,

in all my affairs, in my recovery and outside.

Step 12, Carrying the message.

Not a mess. We know the mess. We don't need to carry that. But if I am open and I'm willing and I do whatever I can to carry the message, thing is that miracles do happen.

Let me give you an example. I drive a taxi. I drove this young Asian beautiful girl and she was really stoned out of her mind

on coke and I confronted her in the car and said you'd better stop that shit,

he said. What do you know about that? Well, I did that stuff before you were born.

And then I had a meeting scheduled and I gave it to her and she was a little bit offended and she got out of the car.

Time went by and I went to the daily lunch meeting in Stockholm and this girl started sharing at the meetings and she was really puking her shit, you know, to this extent that I just don't want one here. Time went by about six months, eight months. And then we were sitting in a coffee shop afterwards and she said, aren't you the cab driver? Drove me,

yeah.

And she's got over nine years clean now.

That meeting schedule is always in my own pocket

and I really urge you to do the same. Don't be afraid, just be open minded and it will happen that somebody needs that business card and they might have come to a meeting later on because that, that, that's how beautiful it is.

There are more stuff that I would like to say, but time's up. I got 2 minutes left and you know what I'm, I'm satisfied with and I hope you are too. And I, God bless you, all, have a really nice convention.