The topic of steps 1 through 9 at the Ross Avenue Group in Dallas, TX

My name is Eric. I'm an alcoholic.

Any drugs here tonight?

Have a dope Things like me,

dope theme, drunk combos,

my people.

Well it's been my honor to be the step speaker this month and I was out of town last week and I understand Greg R did a good job covering for me but only got through one step.

Does anyone? Was anyone here last week?

Is it true? Cover one step. Step 4.

I get even with

so we want to try to get the 56789 because next week we got to do 1011 and 12,

so we got a lot to cover tonight.

Had a little

medical emergency on the back porch this evening when I was back there.

One of the residents here had a seizure and

I wish everyone could have seen it.

You've never had a seizure. It's waiting for you on the alcoholic doom curve,

and it's not something to be trifled with.

You can die from a seizure. Cardiac arrest

and generally caused by too rapid a detox.

That's why

that Alcoholics need a medically supervised detox so their blood alcohol level doesn't fall too quickly and cause a seizure. But that's often complicated with benzodiazepines like Xanax and Valium. And benzodetoxes take quite a bit more care to avoid seizures. And

this is what we're up against, a fatal illness that today kills 98% of the people who have it.

And that's not very good numbers.

It's really true. There's cancers you can get today. You've got a much better chance of surviving than alcoholism.

So the death rate in 1938 when this book was written was 98% for alcoholism, and the death rate today from alcoholism is 98%

statistically. A A and California and DAA and frickin A

our rounding errors to the world tide of alcoholism and drug addiction. We had hardly put it then statistically,

and in this country where we have a A on every street corner, practically 95% of the Alcoholics in this country

will never make it to one. They'll just die of their alcoholism and they'll die with the same question on their mind that I think every alcoholic has. I certainly had it. I spent a lot of time on a on a bar stool in this position.

Looking at you bastards.

And that question is, why am I the smartest person I know whose life doesn't work

and they die and they never get an answer and they never figure it out? So if you're in this room, I'm really want to emphasize how extraordinarily lucky you are to be in this room. You're in the top 5% of the Alcoholics in this country. The problem is you got to be in the top 2% to survive, statistically speaking.

And you might say, well, how the hell do I do that?

And the answer is in this book.

The answer is in this book. There really is a way out. There really is a way

to be I'm a Freeman. I am a Freeman. I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body,

and I've been a Freeman for a long time.

Ever since I got to step 1023 years ago, I've been a Freeman and I haven't spent one second since that night

trying to stay sober

for two reasons. One, it doesn't work me trying to stay sober not

very long and #2 I don't, I don't have to. The problem have been removed, it's been solved. It does not exist for me

in this book gives me a precise set of directions on how to keep it that way and to continue to grow and to live a full life. Life in full,

which includes a lot of fun. A lot of fun in life. Sobriety is not about fighting off alcohol one God damn day at a time. That's what I thought it was when I got day 830 years ago.

You know, just don't drink and go to meetings. And I thought, Jesus,

if I could do that I wouldn't be here. You mean just don't drink and go to meetings? What the fuck does that mean?

Well, don't drink your ass falls off.

To date, my ass has never fallen off. Well, if your ass falls off, put it in the wheelbarrow. Bring it to the meeting.

What the fuck are you people talking about?

That's what I heard when I got there,

one old guy said. Boy, you got a problem with alcohol

and I want to say no I don't.

I have a problem with old fat Gray haired bastards like you.

It's about like me now. I guess

that's what I wanted to say. I didn't say that

because when I drink I feel normal. When I drink, you bastard seem to straighten up quite a bit.

When I drink, I get this tremendous relief,

say relief from what? And I say from everything and from everyone. It's almost a spiritual experience. It's not an accident. They call booze sometimes spirits.

Spirits.

The alcoholic life was the only normal life I knew when I drank. I feel like I belong on the planet and if I have to stay dry very long, I feel like I'm I'm I landed on the wrong planet.

And this is something much, much worse than a drinking problem. Worlds full of people with a drinking problem or a substance abuse problem and what a good enough reason comes along. They quit or they cut way back.

A drinking problem is easily solved by quitting drinking.

But every time I quit drinking, my life got worse. It became unbearable. It became so unbearable, someone was going to get seriously hurt

and I've always have to drink again

just to keep from blowing into a million pieces.

And once I start drinking,

I have this abnormal reaction, alcohol. You know, I was 37 years old before I learned that for 90 out of 100 people in this country, the more they drink, the less they want every single time.

Let me say that again. For 90 out of 100 people in this country, the more they drank, the less they want every single time.

Anyone in here experience that?

Look at that, we're in the elite 10%.

The more I drink, the more I want every time.

Didn't always drink more. It's hard to get that bottle up to your lips when your hands are handcuffed behind you. But I always wanted to drink more. And this is something quite different than an alcohol problem. This is a fatal illness called alcoholism.

It kills graveyard dead.

98% of the people on this planet today who have this illness will die from

and the death certificate may say drowning. It may say blunt force trauma, it may say .45 inch hole in the head, it may say seizure,

it may say you know, his liver ran on the South end and down the inside of his pant leg. They say a lot of things, but they're all alcoholic death

and it isn't one of those kumbaya deaths where your family's standing around the bed holding your hand,

it's face down in your own puke.

So this is

step one.

He's got ones. A son of a bitch. Alcoholism is the one mental illness we know of that tells the victim, you ain't got it.

Not me. You don't understand. My case is different. That's what I said when I got to hey, I looked around the people in a A and I thought, Jesus,

Jesus,

it may be fine for them, but not me. My case is different. You don't understand. My life gets worse when I quit drinking.

They just kept talking about this problem with alcohol.

So we talked about two weeks ago, we talked about the forward and the 1st edition. In this book, which tells us in the first sentence it says we have Alcoholics Anonymous are more than 100 men and women who have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. The voice in this book is the voice of these first 100 all through this book, wherever it says we, us, our each other. They're not talking about the asshole in the meeting last week. They're talking about these first 100 who had recovered.

So all through this book where it says we, us, our each other, they're referring to the first one under who had recovered.

The second sentence says to show other Alcoholics, which sort of raises a question, Could that be me

die? But it says to show other Alcoholics precisely how we have recovered as the main purpose of this book.

So right up front, they tell us it's a precisely written book and they're going to tell me, the reader, how they recover. They're going to tell not going to tell me what to do. They're going to tell me what they did, what they did. They did certain things and they got certain results.

Isn't it nice? I don't know about you, but

a big portion of my life was spent with someone in front of me with a finger in my face.

And here in this book, there's no finger in the face. They're just saying here's what we did and here's a result we got.

Here's what we did and here's the result we got. And it's so simple. This thing is so simple. And that that's probably really the problem, because Alcoholics are all big brands, especially Brent and David,

just holding you up as poster children for big brain Alcoholics. Most Alcoholics are big brains and they take something very very simple and overthink it and completely wrap around the axle and say I screw it and they die.

This is why sponsorship is so important.

A sponsor is just someone who points at things.

Hey, did you notice your hair is on fire? What

the sponsor keeps you focused on this simple program rather than all the shit your mind makes up about this simple program?

It's very simple

now. I didn't believe any of this, but I was desperate. I had there was not no other options left. I was going to die in alcoholic death

and I got a good sponsor and I studied this book with my sponsor and I followed the directions and it didn't take very long. In 2 1/2 months, I met him every Thursday night at 7:00. In 2 1/2 months, I'm hanging on by my fingernails. In 2 1/2 months I got the step 10 and discovered

quite suddenly

that my problem had been solved,

that I was a Freeman,

and that this power greater than me I really didn't know much about was in me. In me last damn place everyone looked

and I've been a Freeman, as I said. So it's very simple. What it does take very long, but there's a precise set of directions. So in The Doctor's Opinion, which when this book came out in April in 1939, the first printing 1st edition, The Doctor's Opinion up front was page one.

And unfortunately some goddamn big brain alcoholic move page one

to chapter one bill story in the second edition and gave the Doctor's Opinion Roman numeral page numbers. Does anyone in here really remember how to read fucking Roman numerals?

So no one reads the doctor's opinion anymore because who has time for Roman numeral cases? I got to go to the back and get the answer. It's got to be back there somewhere.

Actually it is. It's called Appendix 2.

And this doctor, Doctor William Silkworth,

who was interviewed when this book came out and they said, Doc, how long you been treating Alcoholics and drug addicts? And he said 38 years. And they said how many of you treated? He said I would estimate 40,000. And he said, well, how many of them recovered? And he said, again, I would estimate 2%.

Now, he was trained as a medical doctor, a Princeton graduate, an Ivy League graduate, a medical doctor with 38 years experience across 40,000 patients. And he has a an opinion based on that training and experience. In his opinion, is this that Alcoholics suffer from 2 main things #1 an abnormal physical reaction, alcohol,

the more we drink, the more we want and that that is not normal. 90 again, 90 out of 100 people don't have that reaction

and they're sort of a Part B to that. Alcohol does something for Alcoholics like me. It also it doesn't do for normal drinkers. When I slam down the first few drinks, I get this tremendous

It's like I said, it's almost spiritual. Normal drinkers do not get that.

Which which makes me wonder, why the hell are they even bothered drinking?

Drink a beer, you say? One another bear Fred. OK, give him the second beer. They drink half of it and let the other half go bad. And the next thing you know, they say, oh Gee, look at the time, I've got to work tomorrow.

Why do you even bother, Fred?

So alcohol does something for me it doesn't do for these normal drinkers. It makes me feel normal. Now, this physical allergy would not by itself doom Alcoholics, do an alcoholic death. It's a very simple thing

to live a normal life, fatally allergic to something. Everyone knows someone who's allergic to peanuts or shellfish. Their throat will swell shut and they'll die. It's an, ER, visit.

You ever asked one of how many Peanuts Anonymous meetings you've had to go to?

I'm gonna eat shellfish and oysters. Anonymous meetings. Do you go to a week? They'd all go. What? What the fuck are you talking about?

They're like, look, I just don't get it on me or in me. I live a normal life and get away from me weirdo.

So being fatally allergic to alcohol is not enough to doom the alcoholic. Just don't get it on you or in you. But there's this second thing the doctor talks about,

and he calls this a mental obsession for alcohol.

Now the word obsession means a persistent thought which will not respond to reason. A persistent thought which will not respond to reason.

And it is this persistent thought that I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to figure out the right mix of cocaine, gin and beer and blondes and Chrome plate.

Do we do to be to live successfully?

And I never did figure it out. I thought I'd figured it out when I discovered cocaine. I said, this is great. You, you do enough cocaine, you can drink all the gin you want and I'll fall down.

And then pretty soon I had a cocaine problem managing problem.

So this insane mental obsession, this obsession of the mind that always takes Alcoholics like me back to the first journey. It's these two things together, the physical, the abnormal physical reaction and the mental obsession. It's those two things together that kill the alcoholic.

Now, as we've already sort of hinted at, if you're fatally allergic to something, you will always be fatally allergic to it.

So in a a, we can't change that. If you've got the allergy, if the more you drink, the more you want, if you have that big red flag in your life,

it's over. You will always have it.

Which means that if we can't change the physical allergy, the only thing that can be changed is the insane mental obsession I have to be rid of.

Be rid of

the books. Very precise. It doesn't say get rid of

If I could have gotten rid of it, I wouldn't need to go to a. But it says I must be rid of this insane mental obsession. And that's what these 12 steps are all about, a spiritual program of simple actions.

Sufficient to bring about the removal of the obsession of the mind.

Well, I just don't like this God shit. We'll get to that in a minute.

So the doctor's opinion lays out the problem, an allergy of the body and obsession of the mind. If you're going to solve a problem, it helps to know what the problem is. The problem never was alcohol. The problem never was heroin. The problem never was cocaine. The problem never was meth. They all sure look like the problem, but they never were the real problem.

All they are are symptoms of something much worse

called alcoholism or drug addiction.

So he lays out the problem. But he was a he was a scientific man,

and he was humble enough to say, look, I've always known something more than science was needed for the alcoholic. I don't know what it is and I don't know how to apply it.

Very humble men to admit time. And so the whole rest of the book is, well, what is this thing? What is this solution?

So in chapters 1-2 and three, they give

example after example after example of alcoholism,

this abnormal physical reaction, this obsession of the moon. They give example after example of the obsession, picking up the first drink,

and then once the first drink is in the body, the physical craving kicking in and picking up drinks 2, two through 20. They give example after example after example of that, hoping just one of them lands on you, the reader, where you can say, oh, that's me. I did that. I'm like that. I act that way. I think that way. I feel that way.

And then we get to chapter four. We agnostics, which I talked about two weeks ago, we get to page

47 in Chapter 4.

We agnostics, if you weren't here, the word agnostic from the Latin gno to grow to know a many not so we not knows we not know what not know anything about God.

And at page 47, these first 100 who wrote this book say, do not let any prejudice you may have against spiritual terms deter you from honestly asking yourself what these things mean to you.

So my sponsor bill said that's an action. And I said, but I often said the bill, of course

what? And he said that's an action. When you peel it all back, Eric, I know you can give me a three hour lecture on all the shit you don't believe about God. They're not asking that. They're asking here on page 47 in the summer of 1995. What is it you do believe? What do you believe? What does all this spiritual God stuff mean to you?

And I hadn't looked at that question,

I think, since it's probably five years old. When I was five years old, I had God I loved, I presumed loved me, and I was happy.

And by the age of 10 or 12, the God they put on me was such that I had said, well, who needs a God like that? I'll do it myself. And I launched me and my big brain against the world. And I lived that way until it just about killed me at the age of 37.

And so here at the age of 37, they're asking me to honestly ask myself, what do you believe?

So the next Thursday night, we read. My sponsor would give me a reading assignment. I would read it, and then we would meet and he would read it to me out loud, the whole thing. So he's reading chapter four. We get to page 47 and we get to that question and he says, what's your answer?

And I said, well, I believe that God created the universe. And then he went away.

And Bill said, well

that's fine because the next sentence says at the start, page 47 at the start, that's where you are Eric. He said at the start, this your own starting place. This is all we needed to commence. Commence means begin Eric to commence spiritual growth to affect our first conscious. Conscious means you will know it conscious relationship with God. As you understand

now, this was quite a milestone for me. All my life when anyone talked to me about God, they had a finger in my face

and I had a finger for them

and I couldn't understand what the hell they're talking about. Is a lot of blood and dead animals, that's for sure.

And here on page 47, here's a hundred adults.

It's weird. 37 I didn't see myself as an adult.

100 adults plus my sponsor. 101 adults giving me permission to start where I was on this whole gun business.

First time in my life.

And if you give it more in about 10 seconds of thought, you realize, well, that's the only place anyone could ever start.

I tried, tried like hell to start where Billy Graham was because I knew he believed everything he was pinching,

but I couldn't understand a thing he was talking about. In fact, it was intellectually offensive to me. And here on page 47, here's 101 adults saying, look, let's just sit Billy Graham aside and let's just start where you are, whatever that honestly is.

And this changed the course of my life.

Now in chapter 5 we get to page 62 and they presented me with a brand new idea

and it says on page 62, selfishness, self centeredness that we believe is the root of our troubles. Driven by driven by means no choice. You have no choice in the matter. Driven by 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pay, we step on the toes of our fellows in their retaliate. Now this was a brand new idea to me because when I got to AI was convinced it was your fault.

I was convinced that it was you bastards who kept jacking with me and someone's going to get hurt if I don't get a drink.

I get a few drinks,

maybe I won't have to shoot you bastard.

And here's this brand new idea. They, them and my sponsor said. Look, Eric, if it really is them, you're doomed. Probably used a different word.

You're doomed. I don't have the power to change all of them,

but if you can see that the problem is in your own mind now, you've got a chance because there's these steps you can take.

That was a brand new idea. It ain't them. And then that was somehow the good news.

See, the way this universe operates is in the following order.

Thought, word, deed.

That's the way everything works in this whole universe. Thought, word, deed. If my thinking is driven by 100 forms of self-centered fear,

my words and my deeds are going to reflect that.

And what's going to show up in my life

is what I sometimes call the ship truck.

The old days we called it a honey wagon. No one seems to know what a freaking honey wagon is.

What they pump out it's a big tanker truck. They pump out septic systems. So it's a tanker truck full literally of shit.

And that's what used to be parked in my driveway at 6:00 AM waiting for me when I got up.

And I couldn't understand it.

Why am I the smartest person I know? His life just doesn't fucking work.

Every morning 6:00 AM that driver would be there. Morning Mr. Baby, Jump right in. Have a nice day,

Day after day after day

and if I don't get some relief, someones going to get her.

And it's because of my thinking back then I was driven by 100 forms of self-centered fear which caused me to think, say and do things that you people didn't react to very nicely. You know, like when I'd steal your dope and then help you look for it.

That's a little laugh line.

I'm gonna drink a coffee

now.

Shortly after that, they asked me to make a decision, which is step three-step three is very, very simple. It's a decision. It's a decision.

Step one is an admission. I'm doomed. I have this

physical allergy to alcohol. The more I drink, the more I want. I can't stop once I start. And I have this something wrong with my head that always takes me back to the first drink and then rinse and repeat until I die. So yeah, I got this thing called alcoholism. And by studying the forward, the 1st edition, the doctor's opinion in the first three chapters, I get it. That's me. I have this thing called alcoholism.

Step 2 is

can I be open to the idea? Can I be open to

a power greater than me

helping me? Can I just be open to that? And on page 47 and chapter 4, I found my very own starting place on this God.

When people say, well I I just don't like this God should I'm like, dude, would you read the fucking book?

It's very simple.

We're asking you to start where you are. There's no one in a a here to tell you where to start with God. We're just saying start. We're telling you to shut up and stop saying no. Start fucking saying yes.

What?

Sorry for my language, I get a little emotive at times.

So Step 3 is a decision. Am I in or am I out? Which is it?

Very simple. We made a decision. We made a decision. I made a decision to turn to this power greater than me. I really knew very little about for help.

That's it. And because of step one on doomed, sign me up. I'm in. I'm in

now. Don't confuse deciding to be in with demonstrating that decision to be in. Demonstrating that decision is a whole another topic, and that's what the rest of the steps are about. In step three, I'm only making a decision. Greatest decision I ever made in my life. Most important decision I ever made in my life. You know what they said to me 30 years ago when I got to a A

No major decisions your first year, really.

Really. That would have killed me in 1995.

Yeah, a major decision. Very simple though. Are you in or you out? Which is it?

And then

right into Step 4. Now Greg apparently spent a whole hour on Step 4, so I'm going to blow through it in step four. They they say it is a fact finding and a fact facing process. This is not a beat the shit out of you process your people in means.

I was just terrible.

Shut up.

That's not what the book says.

It's a fact finding, in fact facing process.

It turns out

in Step 4, I'm trying to find out the truth about page 62 in my life. Page 62 said selfishness, self centeredness that we believe is the root of our troubles driven by 100 forms of self-centered fear. I'm trying to find the truth of that in my life. Is that true in my life? That's step four. And they have me do a resentment inventory, a fear inventory, a sex inventory which isn't really about sex,

a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life, which isn't really about sex. And then a list of people I've heard

my sponsor said there's anything you can tell me about your sex life. I don't have a me doing on film.

He was telling the truth. He's a hippie from the 60s. They filmed all those Missoula parties on Super 8,

he said. I don't care about that leather and Vaseline thing you got going on.

That's not what this sex inventory is about. There's a series of precise questions in the chapter.

The first column is Whom had I heard in that area of life? Who meant I heard? Didn't say? Who did I sleep with or how, or how many? Who meant I hurt in that area of life? Where had I been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Did I just justifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Where was I at fault? What should I have done instead?

That's what we're after,

a fact finding and a fact facing process. So in this step four, I came to see the truth about page 62 in my life, my whole life, all the drama in my life. I'll say 98% of the drama in life and 2% slush factor. 98% of the drama in my life.

I set it in motion.

My selfishness, my fear, my dishonesty caused me to think same. Do things that ended in disaster.

And there it was in my own handwriting,

Bill said. That is, your handwriting isn't fuck

Lookout, it's a trap.

Now I've sponsored hundreds of people in 23 years and I ask everyone of them. When you subtract all the time you spent looking for a pen and all the time you spent going to CVS for a spiral notebook and all the time on the phone with your girlfriend and having to stop, you got to watch that Seinfeld rerun is the suit month. You got to watch that. When you subtract all that shit, how much time did it actually take to right step

four and the average answer is

across hundreds of sponsees,

two hours.

Now there's some that are longer, there's some little shorter. The average answer is 2 hours.

So this bullshit about taking six months to ride a four step is bullshit. It is a death sentence for Alcoholics and

any sponsor that says Yep, just read chapter 5, go write your four step and call me when you're done. I

get a new sponsor.

Step 4 is pretty simple, but we can't swallow it all. We have to break it into pieces. That's where a sponsor comes in. It takes about 10 days to do a four step to write it down. Takes about 10 days to get 2 hours of writing done for most Alcoholics. Again, there's a few exceptions like Brent

who I dearly love.

So on step five, I share all this with my sponsor and anything that wasn't clear about the truth about page 62 of my life, he helped me get clear on.

And there was

I was the author of my own life.

It wasn't you bastards after all.

This was good news.

This was good news. Turns out down step six and seven six Kind of looks like a filler step, doesn't it?

We're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

The book gives it, I think 2 paragraphs or 11 paragraph page 76,

but six is a pivotal step because we spend a lot of time in life getting ready to get ready to go out. You get ready to shower, get ready to go to work, get ready to go to bed. 6 is about being ready. Am I really ready to let this power greater than my big brain that I don't really understand in on the whole deal called Eric? Am I really ready to do that?

That's a big step

and many Alcoholics get drunk right there because their big brain says wait a minute.

Looking at you,

wait a minute. I see where this is going. I big brain won't be running things anymore. You may be overreacting. Let's get a drink and think about this.

And they get drunk.

Make sense to me.

But I was desperate. I was at the end. I was. It was over for me. I was hopeless. I was doomed.

My only hope was that something would happen with these steps. I knew if nothing happened taking these steps and again, I didn't believe anything that happened. I was just out of options. I knew if nothing happened, I was a dead man.

So I was ready.

I was ready

and step seven I had to get on my knees at the biker club where I sobered up and hold my sponsors hand and say the seven step prayer in our book out loud. Of course I was hoping no bikers would come in seeing me on my knees holding the man's hand for Christ sake, praying out loud.

But I meant this beautiful 7 stepper, my creator. I am now willing that you should have all of me, the good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defective character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength to do your bidding as I go out from here. Anything. Now, what were these defects of character or shortcomings? By the way, those two are the same things.

Bill Wilson, who wrote this, just didn't want defects of character, and he didn't want the same word next to each other at the end of the sentence.

So he wrote defects of character here and shortcomings here. They mean the same thing. How do I know that? Because Chuck Chamberlain freaking asked him what's the difference? And Bill told him there ain't any.

What are these shortcomings? Well, at at the highest level, what I learned in step four and five is selfishness, dishonesty and fear.

But selfishness, dishonesty, and fear have these colorful children.

Selfishness, dishonesty and fear will manifest in my life as these colorful children, which a certain church has very kindly listed for me hundreds of years ago. And this, these colorful children are named things like pride and envy

and lust and greed and sloth and avarice and anger,

which we call resentment.

So defects of character. Yeah, it's these colorful children I greeting less probably time for first with me. But behind it all is the selfishness, this dishonesty and this fear. That's the root of my trouble.

So in seven, I ask God to remove that. To remove selfishness, dishonesty, and fear in all of its colorful children. And I meant it. And I meant it.

I remember

20 years ago they were still having a a meetings where the chairman is headed tonight's topic working on our character defects. I just wondered, burst out laughing,

if I could work on my character defects with my big brain and get anywhere,

I wouldn't be in this fucking place. I'll tell you what,

that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Nae, nae, working on my character defects,

it's going to take it power greater than me, power greater than my big brain to remove, to remove these character defects. So forget about working on them. Forget about it. I just got back from New York. Let me practice on you. Forget about it.

I'm telling you, Forget about it.

It's a waste of time. If we could work on these things and get anywhere, we wouldn't need God or any or anything else.

They have to be removed, and it's only a power greater than my big brain that can remove them. Now my part is to dig my fingernails out of me to let go of it, and sometimes that's a tedious process,

but there ain't no working on character defects.

God's going to remove him or he's not and that's just the way it is.

So

got up from that seven step prayer, very happy that no bikers came in, seeing me hold the man's hand on my knees, praying out loud.

But I meant it. And my sponsor, Bill, looked down at me and said,

well,

gives me chills.

He said

fasten your seat belt because now you've asked

what I wanted to say.

What the fuck does that mean, Bill? That's what I wanted to say.

I didn't say anything

and right into steps 89. Now in our book, it says let's look at steps 89. Our book treats steps 8-9 together. But in my experience, A is 90% of the 8-9 equation because eight is all about willingness. Am I really willing to go out into the world and try to clean up this mess of me? I really willing to do that. If I'm willing to do that, 9 is pretty academic.

Nine is the act of going to someone and saying I was wrong

to have harmed you by

fill in the blank.

That's not easy for an alcoholic to say, is it?

I was wrong.

Farm Dubai. So I had my list of people I heard from that I made back and step forward and step eight. Bill and I went through each and every person on my list and we discussed each one. The first question from them was, well, how did you hurt Fred?

And you know, I might say, well, I told him that his wife was a bitch,

he says. Eric, we don't have time for everyone you are a Dick head to.

This is supposed to be a list of people you hurt. Now, how did you hurt Fred? Well, that was it. All right, scratch Fred off. Who's next?

So we went through a few, a few got scratched off

and we discussed what is the amend? The word amend means to change. You know, there's an amendment. We talked about amendments to the constant, the US Constitution. That means a change to United States Constitution. The word of men needs to change. OK, so what's the change that has to take place with Joe? Well, I stole this dope. And then help them look for it. OK, well how much dope was it?

Well, it was only an ounce. An ounce of what? Well, it was only an ounce of cocaine,

all right? So what's an ounce of cocaine Go for today? I said. Fuck, I don't know,

say well, find out and you need to go pay Joe for an ounce of cocaine.

And we discussed each one. And some amends required a letter,

right? So some people cannot be seen. We send them an honest letter. There were some dead people. I couldn't make amends because they were dead. And Bill said you're gonna write them a letter and you're gonna read it to me

and you're going to read it to me as if they're standing right behind me.

And he said you got two weeks to make your amends.

Two weeks.

I'm telling you folks, this is a simple deal.

I had a pretty good list. I probably had about 20/20/25 amends to make

and I owed a lot of money. I didn't have any money. I owe a lot of money that didn't make any difference. I had to go to go tell them I owe you the money. I was wrong to have not paid you back or I was wrong to have stolen this or whatever it was. I don't have any money now, but I owe you the money

and I'm going to pay,

so not having any money is no bearing on it.

I was wrong to have harmed you by

so he gave me two weeks and I had a men's in Colorado. I was living there at the time in men's in Colorado, in Texas. A lot of events are the men's in New York and Kansas,

and I did it

and at the end of two weeks it said. Now read

page 84 and 85 on Step 10. We'll cover it on Thursday when we meet,