The world convention in Montreal, Canada

Right. I there's a few addicts in here tonight. Yeah. You know that feeling you get when you're waiting for the crack dealer and your arse starts going like that? You just want to shit yourself? I just recreated it, standing over there waiting to come up here. I'm not joking.

A couple of disclaimers. I do not speak for Cocaine Anonymous.

I swear quite a lot and I'll try not to, but I'm probably gonna.

CA doesn't have any opinions on outside enterprises. Me personally, I have fucking bundles.

I don't make many friends in Cocaine Anonymous and the reason I don't make many friends here is 'cause I don't mess around with stuff. This is life and death for me, right? It ain't a joke, ain't a social club, ain't a dating agency. This is a life breathing, life giving, life saving fellowship that I'm a proud recovered member of.

So let me introduce myself properly. Well, I'm Richard Lee from London. My Home group is Thus We grow on a Wednesday night in Richmond. You're all very welcome to come. Not only have I recovered as a director,

I've taken a 12 steps in Cocaine Anonymous, but my friends, family, loved ones and acquaintances have also recovered from the madness and the chaos of my drinking and using. Not only am I family grateful to Cocaine Anonymous, but the police force and justice system in in the UK are also very grateful to you.

I've absolutely been inspired over the last four days and I won't explain that to you.

It's not because this organised has been organised in a fantastic way,

it's not because the wonderful people that I've met. It's not because of the great speakers that I've heard.

It's not because of the unity I've seen

based because of this.

I got up at 5:00 this morning 'cause I don't sleep too well because of the time difference. In fact, I've had about 7 hours in three days, so I could fall asleep at any point. So just wake me up.

When I went down to the lobby this morning and there was three or four blokes sitting down and I got talking to him 5:00 in the morning. And what they told me was

that they come all the way from Toronto and they didn't have enough money for a room, so they were sleeping in the lobby and they've been sleeping in the marathon meetings and they've been sleeping wherever they can. And every now and again the security has been moving them on. So they've literally had two or three hours sleep a night.

I'm not going to embarrass you by telling you who you are and pointing you at you, right? But you fucking inspire me. You inspire me, right?

You are a lifeblood of Cocaine Anonymous and you are the next generation of sponsors. We need you. You reminded me this morning about what it's like to close at any lengths.

Fair play to you. Fair play to you. Now I'd like to tell you about lorries full of cocaine and suitcases full of money, but that would be a fucking lie,

right? Complete lie.

I came to cocaine and was broken

of spending nearly nineteen years in and out, in and out, in and out. So I'm not somebody who came here and got it straight away and everything was hunky Dory the next day. Not my story.

When I was 14 years of age,

I was banking off of school. Like my school blazer on.

I can hear this bottle of Scotch in the cabinet and it was going

drink me, drink me

the mum and dad was out

so I got in his cabinet and I got this bottle of Scotch and I went like that and it was horrible. My throat was on fire, my stomach was on fire, my head was going to explode and I thought I'm never touching that again. It happened,

didn't know it then the phenomena craving just kicked right in. Now I've got my hand over my nose, I'm screwing up my face. I'm doing that with bottle Scotch

and then I had my second bite film that day which was to steal my daddy's 3 litre Granada on the drive and go and pick my mates up from school.

So I'm driving down the school, I can't see oversteering. We all got 3 cushions trying to hold me up over the steering wheel. I'm driving down the school like that, absolutely out my nut.

My 3 mates got in the car over the school, Blazers on, we got all the windows down, arms out the window and doing that up the ice St. and as I get to the top of my Rd. I've got the police behind me with a siren flashing. So I pulled up outside my house. So I mounted the pavement. Now my three pals who would have stuck with me through thick and thin jumped out the car went see ya. I just liked it.

So the police officer opened the car door. I got the seat belt caught round my leg and I fell on the floor. And he picked me up and he said,

this is your Carter,

he must call Blazer, right? I said, yeah, He said, what's your name? So I'll give him my dad's name.

What's your date of birth, Austin? The 7th or 7th 1936,

it just looked at me and he said that makes you fucking 64.

Get in the back of the car.

You see, I didn't realize it then, right? But that was going to be the pattern to my drinking and using for the rest of my life. I didn't know that

because every time I pick up a drink or a drug, right, it don't end well. It really doesn't. I'd love to tell you that I had lots of fun out there, but that wouldn't be the true fever, you see. Because what happened to me was that every time I picked up a drug or a drink, the prison sentences died. And for me, what happened was

the sentences got more frequent and they got longer, and the time in between them got shorter and they got longer, and a time in between them got shorter

and Showtime and Showtime and they got longer and longer and longer

until in the end, I'm running around on the street with a gun. Now, at this point, my illness wants to pop up and manifest itself in my ego. And I want to tell you about armed robberies, security corps vans, everybody in the floor. But I ain't the truth.

It was robbing women's handbags at cash points.

It was stealing from my family, from my friends, from my loved ones.

My drug of choice is more, more of what you got. Then I'm going to fucking go and do my bed. You know that one.

I don't have an off button. I've never said no thank you. What's in it? I don't want any ever,

right? Do you ever think I really call poppers when you have my view right? So I'm in a rave scene, right, with a mate of mine and there's a girl standing next to me and she's going and I said to my mate, what the fuck is that? That smells horrible. And he went, that's called poppers. And I went right? He said don't touch that. He said fucking, it'll blow off. I said no, it sounds horrible. I'm not touching. That gives you a bit of that love.

Oh Oh my God, my can fucking explode. What am I fucking doing? Oh this is horrible. I wish I had fucking done now. Oh my God I'm going to fucking die

kissing another guy that wasn't.

I think they call that using against your will. I may be wrong, but I think that's what it is.

So I end up on a street doing what we do. Robbie's dead in line cheating

and I end up getting a massive sentence and it don't matter how many I've done. It don't really matter how long the sentence was, but it was long enough

on a mini's prison and I got the knock at the cell door.

Where are my mates?

He said that brewing hooch up, down a church right now. I had a drink for about 6 years by this point, right? They're brewing hooch up down the church. Let's go down and let's have a drink. I said what? I'm with you on that. So we flew down the church. We're getting to the church and they're all sitting in a circle. So I said to my mate who's the one with the hooch in red missing over there. I went all right mate. He went, all right mate. Welcome to the afternoon meeting of Alcoholics and others and coldly prison. My name is John and I'm an alcoholic,

so I turned to my mate in my most pleasant voice. What the fuck have you bought me here for? I didn't know I just been 12 steps right? I got no idea what that is

and it said 12 God steps on the wall, 12 God traditions over there. And I thought the mariachi band was going to be coming in, praise Jesus and all that. I thought that, but not for me. There's no way I'm staying here.

And the day that I was released, they opened the cell door and they took me down to the gate

and I swore blind with every fiber my being. I was never going to touch another drink or a drug again. And if you'd have put a lie detector on me, it would have come back saying I'm telling the truth because I meant it. With every fibre my being I meant it

and as their gate opened my mate pulled up in the car and I got straight in the car and I sparked up a spliff because that's not really a drug.

And in our crack time, that kind of tenants I've been,

and then I've got a crack pipe out

and I got the needles out and I stopped lining me.

It took me one day to go right back to exactly where I just left off 912 years ago because I've got a progressive illness that gets worse. I don't go back

to being 14 years old and that little drop of Scotch in the car. I don't go back to that.

I'll go back to what does it for me. Heroin, crack cocaine, benzos. Is there anything else I can stick in my body

that should be wonderful? And I hit the streets running, doing what I've always done, robbing, stealing, lying, cheating. And I remembered one day they had meetings,

cultural imprisonment.

So I thought, I'm gonna go to one of these meetings. So I turned up at this a a meeting. Now I'm not. It's like a a by the way, I turned up at this a a meeting. This little woman come over to me. She said, you all like that? I said not really, no, she said what's wrong?

I said I was sticking needles in myself. I'm smoking crack Coco. I'm on 200 mils of methadone shit for me and Prozac.

I've got the police chasing me. I'm probably going to go back to prison and do a life sentence. And she looked at me in the eye and she said, well, at least you haven't had a drink, love.

It ain't funny.

It ain't.

When I went back out and I did what I've always done, largely all the rest of it.

When I came back in again and I said

guest sponsor, who's got what you want? So I've got one who was eight years clean and didn't do fuck off.

That's what I wanted to do at 8 years. Clean and do nothing.

They say don't get involved in relationships. I got a bird pregnant.

They say think, think, think. I've already said drink drink, drink.

Makes it easy. Does it? I thought that meant to fuck all

and I went back out.

Lied. Cheated

until the day came, like I sat on the couch

in my front bed and by this point I'd add 2 art attacks and I'd had a stroke, my eye had dropped, my lip had dropped, my whole left side had gone. I was seven and I was done. It was John Bichello

and I was a shadow of a man.

I had a crack pipe in front of me, I had a bit of brown and I had a six inch coffee knife

and I was going. I'm out, I'm done. Mary sounded quiet for help. Right, I'm not going. I'm not going across. I'm going straight down. I'm out there.

So I sat down with a carving knife.

Obviously I've done drugs first. Come on, there's a bit of a story to go yet.

So I got the knife

and I put the tick

top of my home and as the pressure laying the blood started to come out.

It went through my head.

If the police break in and I'm dead, the place is a bit of a shit off.

Maybe you should tidy it up.

I'm not insane, by the way.

So I went round the house for an hour, tidying up, doing the hoovering, doing the washing up,

and I sat back down. Stop laughing, it's not funny. This is serious stuff.

So I sat down and I got the carving knife out

and I'll put it in my arm and there's the pressure when it's on my arm and the blood started to pump.

It came into my head.

Two police officers standing over me on one side to the other.

I'm afraid he's dead, Sergeant. On the other one side. I can see that comfortable but look how tidy his face.

All while I'm about to top myself so I've imagined my body going down the mouth.

21 consolidated side Army and Navy, the Last Post being played

because I'm that important. I was telling the sponsee that, right? I said to him, this is what happened, right? And I said no 21 absolutely decide, and this is what I'm saying. He just looked at me and said, was you in the Army?

No,

I'm fucking insane mate.

Nuts.

So I went into the meeting again. Bear in mind I've got my eye down here and I live down here. I'm dragging my left shoulder and I walked in and this woman, beautiful looking woman walked up to me and she said that's what she said to me, right?

You are stunning.

Stop laughing, I ain't funny.

I'm going to take you home tonight and I'm going to shake your brains out.

That's what I heard herself.

Will you stop laughing? This is serious shit going on here.

Well she actually says was. Are you new? Would you like a cup of tea?

So women go up across the floor to go and get a cup of tea. I'd already worked out how many kids we were having, where we were getting married next year. Woman went like that. I thought she went like that.

I ain't delusional by any stretch of the imagination at this point, all right?

But I was just broken enough,

so maybe start listening now. You see, by this point I've been in a room for nine years

and I was told, you see, the old geezer with a big book

is a step Nazi. He's a Joy boy. He's a thumper. Stay away from him

and I would go into the meeting and this little old boy would be going Happy Joyce and Free rocketed into a fourth dimension and I'd get all embarrassed to think, oh, did he just say that? Bless him, silly old bastard.

I can't even get three days right and I'm sorting this geezer. So I would say to newcomers, when they come in, see the geezer with the big books, stay the fuck away from him. He's mad. And then I would go out, use, drink, smash myself to pieces, come back in, and he was still sitting there like this, happy, joyous and friendly, Rocky, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

brought me out and I'll go out and smash myself to pieces. And I come in. And this time I thought I need to ask somebody like him.

Now I've been omit this for quite a while by this point, right? So I know when you can talk. A good program

Example of it. Well, I'm in a meeting. It's one that means we gotta raise your hands. I hate their meetings because they always seem to pick someone else. Or is that just me? It's probably just me.

And when I'm in this meeting and there's an old boy in there, he must be 38 years sober, right? And he never says a word, ever. And all of a sudden at the back of the meeting, he went

and hold me and stopped and looked at him and he went Tom.

He said hello Tom alcoholic. Did you know that I is in the world endless and we is in the word world. Thank you very much.

And I went, wow, wow,

wisdom. I mean to meet you the next night. Like

Julie, alcoholic. Did you know that I is in the word illness and wheezing the word. Oh, Julie. Wow. Because it's really easy to repeat what you heard last night in the meeting.

I was told when I got here, like, watch what people do, not what they say. Thank God.

So I followed this Gaza to his envelope. Now when I got to his own group,

he's outside the meeting and he's got his phone out right talking to newcomers. And I thought, that's a blag. I've seen that, you know, the ones who want to make themselves look good in front of the rest of the group. I've just taken a new cumbersome. So I thought I ain't having that, so I'll grab the newcomer and I said, does he call you? He said call me. He drives me fucking crazy to geezer, you don't stop calling. I spoke to a few other who comes. They went, oh, don't talk to me about him. He's ringing me at 3:00 in the morning asking me what I'm doing.

I thought this is doing what he says he does

and I went into the meeting and there was his sponsor, his sponsor, his sponsor, his sponsor up to 46 years at a time.

Dave was all dressed in commonly. I was putting the chairs out, they was putting the ashtrays out in them days because you could smoke in days.

And I thought, what works on this?

I really want somebody, so I can't live with what I've got anymore. And I said to this guy, will you sponsor me?

You just look me up and down. And he said

are you willing to go to any lengths Richard, because he knew me by this point. And I said I will run round Kingston Town naked with a red fucking dicky bow on if if that's what you want me to do.

Please don't ask me to do that though 'cause there's conditions going on here. Alright? I'm broken, but not that fucking broken,

I said. This is what I wanted to do.

Every morning you're going to get on your niche and you're going to invite God into your life of your own understanding. I went whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you just say God? Are you in yet?

Have you had good in your life everyday so far? I said no. He said, how's it fucking going?

Not that great. He said, well, you need one. Then he said you got a problem with God? Possible. Yeah, sort of. I've never been to church and I've done any of that stuff. He said, do you believe? I believe? I said I believe you believe. Yes. He said, OK, I'll bill his God every morning to keep your clean sober at the end of the night. It's the only way you get down on your knees. And Frank Billy's God for keeping you clearance over. I said OK,

wow, we're not gonna. That was Matt. But you know that one where it's my first day of praying, right? Never done it before so obviously I'm shutting the curtains right?

I might have a few mates in the cupboard as well

'cause I'm embarrassed to get on my nose and you'd like a power brake and myself into my life.

But what I'm not embarrassed of is going into an off licence or a shop and jumping over the counter with a ballpain hammer and smashing you over the head to get money out your till. Because I smoke more crack. But yet indoors I'm embarrassed.

So he said. What I want to do is I want you to write 10 things down every morning. You're grateful for me. And I looked him and went Are you fucking cooking? What am I grateful for?

Maybe we'll look at it this way. Did you know that some third world countries, they get up every morning and walk 3 miles to go and get a bucket of stagnant water?

Do you know if I accent the world's population is going to go big under the stars tonight? About a roof over the edge.

40% of the world's population have got no electric, no gas, no running water. You've got all of that, you selfish prick. Oh, selfish, That's a bit strong in it.

He obviously don't know who I think I am.

So let me tell you this, Richard,

grateful addicts and grateful Alcoholics never pick up, period. Never. So that's what I want from you every morning. I want you to pick the phone up every morning at 7:00 on the dot because I got 30 other sponsors and I ain't got time to fucking babysit you. You will be on the phone with me 7:00 every morning. So 7:00 every morning. I ain't got a phone because my, do you have, do you have cash converters here? Like, 'cause like my, my phone is, we call it crack converters in London,

my phone's in crack converters again. So I've got to go there, walking down the phone box half a mile every morning, 7:00 to pick the phone up, right?

A week later, Ian picked the phone up once. I'm a little bit put out by it's only fucking at least. So I get to the meeting like Home group and he's standing in the chat with a few people and I'm pushing people out the way.

Another get to him. But he's getting it right. Getting it.

See you.

You won't pick phone up once

he went, what did I say to you? I said you said ring me at 7:00 every morning on the top. He said yeah, I think I was going to pick it up, didn't I?

That's the sort of gigs where I'm dealing with it. Abby Joyce and Free Rocket. Stick it up your ass.

He said you're going to have a Home group, right? The only two ways you're not going to show up is, one, if you're on holiday and two, if you're dead. And if you're dead, I want a letter from the coroner.

I'm going to put any strokes for this Giza,

he said. You're going to stand outside the meeting and you're going to hold your hand out to newcomers,

and you're not going to get on the phone the next morning and bit your mind about how bad your life is. You're going to ask them how they are for a change. That was great when I first did that. Hello. My name is Richard. You're a newcomer, aren't you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm a newcomer. Yeah. How's it going?

Well, you know, I've only been in two meetings and I'm really good. Listen, forget that. Like my life's shit, mate. Honestly, my life is absolutely relationships gone down the pan, dogs died.

I can't work out how come newcomers don't wanna pick the phone up to me anymore.

So he said stop talking about you and ask him how they are.

I said, OK, I can do that,

he said. I want you here half an hour early every week and you're going to leave half hour late and you're going to be the one doing the washing up,

I said. Why? You see, because they're the people who study.

You see, because what I've always done is right. I'm a taker.

Happened. You see, I will turn up late to your meeting. I will drink your tea, your coffee, I will eat your biscuits. I will chat your birds up and I'll fuck off early.

And maybe if you're lucky, you might get a dollar in a pot out of me because I'm a takeover. I used to sit in meetings for years and I used to say I can't get it. I can't get it. It was pointed at me. There's only three things to get here. A sponsoring, a big book and a spiritual awakening. The rest is about giving. I didn't know that. I've no idea about that. I didn't know that. If I gave, I got. I got

in a given, I would receive. I didn't know it.

You're still going to be around your house on Tuesday and we're going to go through the big book of our colleagues anonymous

chase you off there. And he came around my house and we went through the preface to forward doctor's opinion. There is a solution more about alcoholism. Step one, no right in, no handouts, no questions. It's all in a big book of Alcoholics and it's a grateful agnostics. We went through how it works and I knew it was on Step 4 because I had a pen and paper in mind. And he said, no, you're on fucking Step 4.

I'll see how long have I got 'cause I think it takes 18 months to do Step 4.

Like I was going to get away with that,

he said. You got three days to do it, and if you don't do it in three days, fuck off

'cause I ain't gonna watch you die

desperate, are you? I said I'm dying.

Step 4

Monday night from 5:00 till 9:00, I sat there and I treated it like a part time job. I did two hours and I wanted a cup of tea. Come back down another two hours and Tuesday night I did the same. On Wednesday night I did the same and it was done by Thursday. It was back where my house we did 4567. I got down on my loose. I asked for all these defects to be taken away from me. And then he gave me a step 8. And it's the only time in the book that he diverted for the big book of our college Anonymous. And this is the reason why

he said you're going to write a list that because we have a list from your step 4:00 and you're going to write 3 columns out the person,

the home that you did and you're going to walk a Mali nations. So I have to write a letter from the people that I'd harmed to me. Now I can stand here today and tell you right, I put my family through hell. And that's a bit of a statement, isn't it, put from hell. But here's what come out of it. When I sat down and wrote a step away from my mum to me.

We had to travel up and down the country every other week to watch you in a prison, shaking and shivering and rattling and rolling with jaundice yellow. We were full of guilt and shame that we'd done it to you every time there was a family. Do we have to tell them you'd like it again? Apparently I've been to Australia 15 times.

Ones of prison, more like.

We couldn't trust you in the house. We had to lock everything up.

We actually got to a point where we hated you. Our own job,

we had to start the case off for you, so you couldn't get into a house. You stole that Peace of Mind, you stole that security, and you stole that relationship with that son.

And I wrote down

and what happened for me was what this program promises

change because at that point I changed because I've only ever seen a damage that I've done from my eyes. I've never seen it from yours. And at that point I realised the damage that I'd done from other people's eyes. So when I went and made amends, there were multiple mumbling, I was sorry, wouldn't fit the bill at all. I know why I was going to make amends. And I went out and I went about it with a passion and an enthusiasm to put the rights, to get his put right, to clear up the records. In my past,

it took me nine or nine years to be able to make financial amends.

He came back by my house over three or four days later

and we did 10-11 and 12 and he said get off your arse and go and give it to somebody else.

Do not let me catch you in a meeting Rich in the morning. That's not what it means for right, It's not. I mean, it's for you to share the message of recovery.

And then he asked me what is the message? You've been through the 12 steps. And I said, well, it's a message for the 12 steps. And it's like I mentioned to work with newcomers. And he said, no, it's not nice. Not

he's in the 12th step, it says, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of his step. We tried to carry this message, not your message, not my program, this message that you've had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps and you've lost the obsession to drinking. Usually you never have to do it again. And more importantly, you're going to be happy while you're doing that. That's the message that you're going to carry from now on.

And I said about it with a passion and enthusiasm that I've never been able to forbid, to be able to muster. And I went round and meet things like that with a big book smacking people over the edge. I was like, yeah, I may have upset a few people along the way. I got admit

I was like a vampire trying to suck the spiritual vadnais out of them. Literally

nobody would have had anything to do with me whatsoever. I think I got one up to step three and they need solid off and got a better sponsor

because I was a bit too militant apparently.

And then I met a fellow in a meeting and he was

pretty broken and he was living in a flat with his missus and his kid.

But they'd left and he ended up sitting in one corner of the flat and literally the two two foot space. And he was pissing into bottles because he wouldn't go to the toilet. And he was snorting cocoa and drinking and he was dying. And he come up to me and he said,

will you sponsor me? I'm broken. And I said absolutely, I'll be in honor of privilege. Are you willing to go to any lengths? And I said, Richard, I will do anything. You ask me to do anything.

Within three months, he'd gone through the 12 steps. The concepts of traditions.

And he invited me out of a picnic because his missus and his little girl had come back into his life.

No, these little girl was about 8 years old, right? She knew I did something with Daddy, but she weren't sure what. So I went for this picnic with him and his wife. And his little girl was about 8 years old.

And she said to me, I'm always sitting there,

can you take me through the park to see the deer? I said absolutely, come on. I got it by the end and we started walking and all of a sudden she got a little case out and I said, what you got there? She said this is a Duffy CD And I went right. She said thank you for giving me my daddy back and gave it to me.

That's the buzz that I've wanted all my life,

all my life, you know, that holding the soul that we have is program shaped.

That bus that I got from that little girl wasn't there next week. It wasn't there a month later. It wasn't there a year later

is now there 11 years later, and I still remember that little girl giving me that.

Before I turned up in recovery.

My dad rung me one day and he said we should. My mom's in intensive care, in hospital. She's dying. I've been up here for the last five days and I haven't slept and she's in a room hooked up to a machine and she's on her last legacy. But I can't, I can't stay anymore. She said I need to go home and sleep and I need you to be here. I said don't worry, don't I be there.

So I stole a car

and I went and saw the drug dealer and I bought crack and heroin and a few cans and I got to the hospital and I said, dad, you can go and chill out now.

So he left the hospital

and I thought,

I'll just go and crack the cane open, just have a quick pipe. So I went downstairs and I cracked open a pipe and a couple of cans and I stuck a needle in myself.

You know what kind of four hours later when I went upstairs

and the nursery was standing there, my mum's bed and she died on her own.

So I'll let her knighted on the pipe.

I've stuck another needle in myself

because that's what I do.

I'll bury my head in this hand.

My dad saw all the Funeral arrangements out,

so while he was sorting all a few arrangements out,

I thought it would be a good idea to take my mom's jewelry, which he bought her over the last 40-5 years and take it down a crack converters and pull it.

I stole it.

I stole that jewelry that he bought her over 45 years and he just lost his wife.

And then I couldn't face what I've done. So I didn't go back and I let him bury her, him sort it all out on his own.

And I love that man. You see, we're not drinking news. I become disgustingly, dangerously antisocial.

I'm a real Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde except the difference for me is Doctor Jekyll left the building a long time ago

and I absolutely brought that night's heart broke his heart.

So as a result of the men's I sent my dad a letter because it seldom wise to approach people who are still smiling from our injustice to them. And I sent him a letter and I said dad,

I'm glad and he sent me a lovely bit of a four back-to-back by that big and it had written across it in black mud marker pen. Fuck off and die.

And I went to my spouse and I said

it's always ready.

And he said what we're going to do is every month on the dot, I want you to send this man a postcard. And I just want you to put on it. I'm still clean and I'm still sober.

That's what I want you to do.

So I did that.

Five years later, I bought a call from the hospital. So your dad's in hospital and he's dying

and we need you up here now. So I went up the hospital after not seeing him for five years. And when I got there, he didn't recognize me and I hardly recognized him because he put so much weight on for all the drugs that he was taking. And he'd blow it

when I sat down by his bed. And I said hello dad. And he looked at me and he said you're Richard's mate. When you see him, tell him he's a no good shit cunt and I want him anywhere near me. He thought I was a friend, didn't recognize me.

So I went out into the hallway and his mate came out and his mate said to me, listen to you. He didn't recognise you bitch. You put on a lot of weight. You're a different person now, but I'll go and tell him who you are

now. My dad was put for old school. So his mate came out into the hallway and he said, Richard, he wants to talk to you. So I went in to me hospital room and I sat down and I went Daddy to me. He said I can say that. Have you still got that drill you boggled off me five years ago?

And in every day for the next six weeks I visited him in hospital.

I want to tell you the importance of working with people and what that can do. So I'm in the hospital, right? And me and my dad have always agreed that if it ever comes to the point where someone's got to wipe out arse for us, right, we want out,

out. And you're sitting in the hospital. He's still got his faculties, but he's both his arms are not working, both his legs are not working. And he sat there and he said to me, Richard,

I want you to kill me.

Oh, well, that not really.

Is that what you're asking me to do? He said. You promised me that you've ever got to this point, you would put a pillow over mine and you would kill me. And he was right. That's what I had going to do.

So I moved him forward and I took the pillow

and I stood there and I pluffed it up.

And also, Are you sure this is what you want? And he said, Richard, I just want to die.

Please let me die.

I got a pillow and as I went over to put it over his face, the fun way,

you know, in response, he said. I'm in Tesco's or something, just run over my foot with a shopping trolley

out on that.

This better be fucking good. You better done some infantry and columns rounds mate because I'm writing a bit of something here.

What are you up to? Don't ask what's going on.

He just helped save my life That Gaza.

And I looked at my dad after I come off the phone and I said that

let's have some more testosterone.

This put it in the hands of doctors and let's see what happens.

About 10 days later, I was sitting there and they said it's the machine that's keeping him alive. Now what do you want to do?

Turn it off.

Shut me off. And he said Are you sure that's what you want to do? I said absolutely. He said the chances are he'll be dead by the end of the day

and I said I can't. And I sat there and I held his hand

and I told him how much I loved him.

And that's how we're more bastard. I've been.

They brought my arm.

Fucking Cal kinda lonely. Must allow me to do that.

Cocaine Anonymous allowed me to be there holding his hand when he died,

because when she died, I weren't there. That is what's on offer in Cocaine Anonymous, that

the ability to be there when I need to be.

So I'm about a month into we can't wait, right? And I keep talking about this God thing and I was like, I'm still not sure about the God thing. I'm praying in the morning, praying at night, but still not sure about it. So I thought the best thing I could do right was go around all the churches and see if I could find God.