The ShareADay in New York, NY

OK,

I am lucky. I'm a crystal method

and then sober as far

I'm also transgender. You haven't noticed friends as fuck. You know I I recently got a like four page e-mail from my great great grand sponsor saying you're still swearing when you're qualifying and you're still sick. I have some news for you. I am still sick, which means that I have a solution. I can show up to these meetings, I can call my sponsor, I can do the work.

Maybe one day, you know, I won't swear so much while I'm qualifying.

I'm, I'm going to, you know, keep it simple. I'm going to go back to my first CMA meeting. I'm going to start there. I'll go back a little bit. You know, I'll kind of jump around it a little bit. My first CMA meeting was 15 years ago.

You know, I was 23. I like went with my boyfriend. You know, the boyfriend that I fell in love with, that I saw if I did the crystal meth, I could keep your boyfriend, right? You know, you know I would. I went to that meeting. I listened to what all you had to say. Four or five shares in my hand went straight up and I said, hi, my name is lucky. I'm a crystal meth addict. This is my boyfriend. He needs a sponsor because he's ruining my high

high. He starts smoking the carpet, the cat litter shit on the like kitchen floor and it just ruins my high.

Anyways, that was when crystal meth was still kind of okay in my life, you know. And by okay I mean I was using daily. I was already shooting up like I was putting on the show at home. You know, I would have an apple teas on like fire escape. I would

have dinner, I would go to bed, I'd wait until he was asleep, and then I crawled in my bathroom and I hit the pipe. I get high and then I fall back into bed and pretend like I was sleeping. And then I didn't come back to CMA until many, many years later. So I'm going to step back and tell you a little bit more about me, which is always hard for me to do.

I am a human.

I was sexually abused before I could walk. I was in it a lot of physical violence in our home, in a domestic violence shelter by the time I was age 6. I was sexually trafficked by the time I was 1811. I knew I was trans when I was a little human and an unsafe environment. I was homeless by the time I was 16 and living out in my car. And what I want to say about my trauma is my trauma doesn't make me an addict.

What makes me an addict is when I put a drug of any kind, alcohol, poppers, hot ecstasy, Academy, crystal meth, when I put that shit in my body, it releases this negative ticker tape, right? The negative ticker tape that I got when I was a little human,

that negative Tinkerton that said I have no friends, nobody loves me. I don't want to be here. I want to get the fuck out of

those are the messages that I had as a little human. If you went through what I went through, then you use like I use, right? Alcoholism is a disease of perception, right? Like it. It wasn't until I was in these rooms for a really long time that I start starting to realize that all of those messages were lies, that I was lying to myself the entire time. People loved me. I had lots of friends. I didn't know that

I started getting into the work.

So yeah, the poster child cannot drink your drugging for a really long time because you know, I had this degree, that reflex every time I smelled liquor, anytime I felt smelled beer or hard liquor, it reminded me of the men that were abusive as a little human and I wanted to throw up.

Because here's the thing, when I'm drinking or drugging, I do some crazy mother fucking shit. And I've heard your stories. I know you have got some crazy shit, too.

So, yeah, I didn't start using crystal meth until I met a boy when I was like 21, like New York City and far away from, you know, that whole environment. You know, I found them at 4:00 in the morning at some club, you know, at that time, you know, dancing a lot of

beautiful establishments in the East Village. I know because I saw a lot of you there. The whole, the cop, the slide openly, you know, and, you know, as soon as the drugs and alcohol were introduced to me, like it was the magic, right? It was the magic that I was looking for. I was already an extrovert, disconnected from everybody. I knew I liked sex so I wanted lots of it

and I could not stop. I was powerless from the get go. You know, 15 years ago, I was already shooting up every single day

and I had already been to the program. You know, I was notorious for bringing my boyfriends to rehab. You know, I, I, you know, as soon as they would ruin my highway too much, I picked them up and I take them to rehab and I dropped them off and I continue using.

So yeah, I didn't come into the fellowship until I was so broken and powerless. And so just scraping along the, the bottom, you know, I like basically spent another 10 years just kind of scraping by, you know, at the lowest in my, in my journey, you know, I, I gave up all my psych meds, my HIV meds, you know, I decided, you know, I was done. You know, I gave my dog to a friend who was going to Illinois

and just thought I'd kill myself.

I didn't sign my lease on my apartment. And so for the next year, I was I was homeless. I kept my job. I don't know how I did that, you know, And here's the thing, at that time I had my dream job. You know, I showed up to work every day. And so it was really easy for me to look at the way that you were using and be like, Oh my God, a problem. At least I'd show up for work. You know, I have a dream job. The boyfriend, the dog, the apartment, and yet it was all empty.

So yeah, I didn't come into this back to this beautiful fellowship of humans until 2013. I came by a rehab.

I only went to that rehab because I fell in love with another boy and I was like, I can't, I,

I can't stop using crystal meth. So maybe I need that rehab that I dropped all my boyfriends off that. So I took my ass off to the Hamptons. You know, I told everybody I was going, I told everybody I was going on vacation in the Hamptons. You know, it's this place called Seafield Center. I told my boyfriend keep my my money, my credit card, keep everything because I know I will check myself out my ass out of rehab and I will be drunk or high before I even hit the streets of New York.

So I stayed there 29 days and the night before I got out of rehab I found out that my boyfriend was using crystal meth and any retail. I identified with one person. So anybody who has a hospital institutions commitment, God bless you. I have one. It's amazing. I identified with one person and I called her in the van on the way like on the way back to Manhattan and I said I'm afraid I'm going to be struck drunk. And she said,

that's OK,

call me in 2 hours, sign a meeting. I showed up to Perry Street. I was scared to death. I, you know, I was certain that I wasn't going to be able to stay sober. My mom was my biggest trigger. You know, I'm just going to say my mom was my biggest trigger. You know, my mom, myself and my little brother always crystal meth together

in the trailer back in Michigan. It was really hard for me to do the work in this program. But here's the thing, once I did it, once I realized that my life was contagion upon this program, I started working the steps like my life depended on it. I met my sponsor, you know, I met her. You know, she was the first person that I identified with that same crystal meth anonymous. Some of you know her name is Colleen. She was chasing me out of a 10 AM loving gratitude meeting because I was crying because I was living out of

suitcase on a couch in the middle of Brooklyn. And the first words I heard out of her mouth where I love crystal meth. And I was like, I do too. And she said something about boys and girls and I said it's okay. You know, I've been legally female for seven years and just don't see me yet, you know, And I find that this fellowship, there's a lot of you that still don't succeed, and that's OK. You know, I'm going to continue doing the work on myself and I'm going to let go of the results. So I started working the steps like my life depended on it. And I'm, you know,

relapse is part of my story because I had no self worth when I came in here. I mean, what did I have? I had all my trauma,

you know, I believe those voices that you know, I have no friends, nobody loves me. I don't want to be here. I want to get the fuck out. You know when I kept picking up, you know, after my after 87 days, like I made this decision holding on to my old ideas to call my mother who I was waiting and I picked up the same day. I went out 17 times after that first 87 days, I could not stop using it. I kept calling my sponsor. I kept going to the meetings and she and she kept on saying,

you're gonna die. And I see. I don't care. I really don't care. That's OK. Call me tomorrow. Call me when you're ready. You know, she was so loving. So I started working with stuff like my life depended on it. And, you know, and I learned it was a physical allergy and that mental obsession, you know, I learned that this is a disease of perception that that those were all lies. And I started seeing, wait a minute. These people actually like me.

You know, I was a little confused at first. I was, you know, surrounding myself by sick people.

Stop doing that pretty quickly. You know, my sponsors have been saying money like how do you ever going to get better if you don't call the people with one to five years my so I started doing it. I started doing the stuff like my life depend on and everything changed. You know, my first, 4th and 5th step,

I was able to like hear that shit out of the way so that I can actually have an honest, meaningful connection with another human being. And I was like, boom,

you know, I think the moment times that I was wandering around like looking for a power plug so that I can like charge my phone and nobody could see me. And here in recovery, I have friends everywhere. I cannot walk anywhere in this city beyond the subway in in Manhattan, in Brooklyn without running into one of you people and being like, hey, lucky. And I'll be like, where do I hear you from? I'm assuming it's from the rooms. I don't know if the CNA,

ACA, any of the other fucking programs that I had learned that I needed because I needed all the help that I can get. So, yeah,

I got to 89, you know, my, my, my nine step with my mom. My mother was the biggest one that I had to do and I knew it. I needed to show up, you know, as as soon as I started, did that 4th and 5th stuff, I created a new relationship with her that was, you know, based on reality. It wasn't based on what happened to me when I was little. It wasn't based on her shit. It was like it was a new relationship and I made direct amends to her and I had an amazing

relationship with her. Like I showed up and, you know, she accepted my trans identity. Things were great,

like and I knew that was the last time I was going to see my mom. As many of you know, my mom was diagnosed with cancer at the end of last year and my last reservation that I was going to go out and get high after she passed away and I'm still sober.

You all

that's not me, that's not me, that's not my ideas, right? Like I know my sponsor. I know my great grand sponsor. I know my like, I know all of them and I keep in touch with them. You know, I heard this saying like the killer is in the house. I think about I think about how much this disease in my head tries to trick me into going back out

back to believing those old ideas. You know, it's like a horror movie where like

you see, you know that like virgin who like uses the virginity and you know, the bad guys coming for her and she runs up the stairs in the house and you're like, bitch, why don't you just like jump out the window? Like what is wrong with you? The killer is in the house, right? It's not the stuff on Hyoxides that's going to take me back out. It's what's going on in my head. And the way I get out of that is

I go to a meeting, I call my sponsor, I work with newcomers, and God bless all responses that I had. You know, I got to that honesty of my sobriety

and to anybody who is at my watch,

here is my events. It was one week later. I was doing it one week in advance 'cause I was certain I was gonna go back out. But then I got out. This is my sponsor. And that was the last time I lied to her in truth. And I got my first Fonsee and they talked a mile a minute. They were like, I have no idea what this bitch is saying, but you know what? Like I was taught to love them. Pick up the phone because maybe I'll stay sober today.

So the first time I picked you a share date is five years, four years ago now. My sponsor was like, meet your sponsor, brother over at charity. I was so scared of crystal meth Anonymous. I was like, I had already been there. I wasn't for me. And I came here four years ago. He was doing service

and like, he brought me around and introduced me to all of you. And like, you all hug me. You all welcome me. And that's like, I was like, damn, these people have no boundaries. They're hugging and hugging. And I'm like, I don't know you. Why are you hugging me? You know, I was no stranger to like NA. Lots of people in NA like a hug too. And those are some creepy hugs. But here's the thing, like, you know,

here's the thing, it helped me out. I was like, oh shit,

if you ever walk into an ACA meeting. I had to add ACA into my sobriety a year ago when I started dealing with my mom stuff. The hugs over there are really creepy, but you know what? I started getting sober. I did. I did 90 days over on the other post since I got a year and that other fellow since I started working the steps and working with others like like my life depends on it because it does. The killer is in the house

and you know, I'm so grateful for everything that I've learned this past year.

This past year was hard. You know, last the last year was like the best year of my life. This year was hard. But here's the thing, every time that it gets harder, you know, when my mom died, like I was able to like fly out there, show up. I'm not the kind of person who like see somebody on Google cast. Like I don't need to see dead bodies. I'm not interested in that. My brother's like, Are you sure you don't want to go in there? I went in there. I held her hands. I said the third step prayer because I say it every day.

At that point in my my life, I started adding the Saint Francis prayer of a Sissy. I do that on a daily basis within an hour and a half of being at the Funeral Home. My baby brother has a crystal meth dealer at the house. I have no desire to drink or drug or fuck up my life today. And that's thanks to all of you. You know, I'm on the phone all the time. You know, anybody who has met me in a meeting, you know, I'm the person who's most likely the same person to offline the person on my right.

Not that when I came in here, I was scared the of all of you something You probably remember that my first like meeting where I finally, you know, was able to say something. It was a it was that like Saturday morning solutions or Sunday morning solutions. I've been sitting there watching all of you and I'm like, I don't know how this is working for all of them. Like I didn't believe that the message of the program was for me. I thought it was for all of you but not for me because if you wouldn't know what I had been through. But then I finally,

I finally raised my hand and I said hi. I'm lucky all of you mother fuckers talk to each other but none of you ever say anything to me. And then you all came up to me,

your numbers, and I have this like a moment. I was like, oh, maybe I was just afraid of all of them. Maybe if I was afraid, maybe they're afraid to say that man. And so I became that person who started institution myself with the person on my right and my left. I'd say, hi, my name is lucky. And then you know what? They talked about themselves. You know, addicts like to talk about themselves. And it Get Me Out of my head for a few minutes. I'd say, are you getting numbers? Most of the time they're like, Oh no, I got enough. And I'm like, good luck with that.

I don't know what that looks like. I'd more power to you. You just let me know if you're old, I didn't are working for you or not, because that's how I'm going to space over a day at a time, You know, is, is what's going on with you. You know, I, I love everybody in this program. You know, this past year, as I continue to grow, I started to learn that I don't like some of you. And that's OK too. I can love you and not like you. There are some, you know, people in here that, you know, I just don't like that much.

And you know what? I'm still going to reach out the hand of the program because I am told if I don't do that, if I don't do that behavior, reach out my hands and be of love and service, I'm not going to make it. You know, when I showed up to my mom's funeral, the first thing, you know, I had to tell myself. But I have to be a loving service. I showed up early and set up tears. You taught me to do that. You know, I discovered my family doesn't like me. I'm not so fake, you know,

service, loving service. And that's how I approach this, this program and it kind of meets everywhere. I'm now doing that in my workplace. Like I got a sober job when I got my many days. I'm still at that job. I love my job. I started to love myself.

I started to love myself because I started doing that esteemable glass. They were just the things that my sponsor showed me how to do. It was the first intimate relationship that I had. And because she gave me the opportunity to have a intimate relationship, I can have an intimate relationship with you. And because I have an intimate relationship with you, I have an intimate relationship at work. I can go into work and you know what, like most of my coworkers, but I can go in there and I can be like, how can I help?

What can I do to make things better for you? Because I know if I do that things are gonna be better for me. And I'm a happy customer of this fellowship of a, a, of ACA of Alan. There is 473 versions of the anonymous program. So if you're still sitting here and thinking that the steps don't work for you.

Good luck with that. You know, I mean, you might be the one the few, but here's the thing. This is working for people all over the place. So the steps is working for people all over the place. Might as well try it. Like, why not try it when you have to lose, you know, your story. You know, I I really, I really like the drop of rock on workshop. You know, it's a really tough act to follow. I was like, how am I going to stand up there and be honest about my story out there? Like like I want to drop

when I go into most relationships and like, I'm like, OK, how can I love this person? You know, how can I reach out my hands? You know, if you don't have my phone number, please get it. Call me. It might save my life. It might save your life. This is the life or death program. You know, when we forget that because we're in here looking to sound and cute, wondering what the next like job or boyfriend and stuff is. This is life or death

and the killer is in the house. Thank you for my sobriety.

Thank you, Lucky.

Please help me welcome our second speaker for this afternoon.