The Silver Spoon group in Cleveland, OH

They're gonna record this. Thanks, Kurt. Hey, guys. I'm Sam. I'm a heroin Addie

's My spratty day is September 5th, 2016. I have a sponsor who has a sponsor who has a sponsor. I sponsor other women and I have a Home group. Now that we're done with that, can I First off say that y'all are some willing motherfuckers in here? Because I put this in my GPS and it said that it was like an hour and 15 minutes away. And I was like, Oh my God, dude, this is crazy shit.

My Home group spirits. And it takes me about 30 minutes to get there. I got to drive through Spaghetti junction and all that nonsense. And I'm like, traffic's so bad. But I still show up every single week and I get there early and stay late. But I'm always like, dude, I'm just real willing, right? And then I put this in. I was like, God, Jesus, I don't do shit. I don't do shit, dude. So we're on a good start with you all.

I will say that this is probably one of my least favorite things to do is speak.

And I'm typically like, you know what? This crowd is so large. Like I'm kind of nervous. And it's like, no, this crowd is kind of small and I'm still nervous. So that really has nothing to do with the crowd. But for anybody that's in detox here right now,

I went to detox kind of like this, not much like this. It was a state-run facility, so it was way less nicer than this

guy was a shit hole. But I went to detox there and I met some people

that were, they brought an H and I meeting there and that's part of my Home group now. But they brought AH and I meeting there and they told me about HA. And when I got out, for whatever reason, I showed up to that HA meeting that they told me about. And this guy was in there. And I've been to a lot of a A meetings before and,

and I'd always have this thing where I was like, you know what, these people, they just didn't shoot dope. Like I shot dope. You know, they just don't really know. Like, I get it, Like you're an alcoholic. Like, I had this like, weird ego thing because I shot dope

and I walk into this meeting, this guy's telling his story. And for the first time ever, I completely relate. I mean, this man was telling my story and I went up to him after the meeting and I spoke with him. And that is the only reason why I do this today, because I have the experience of the pure necessity of what it's like for another heroin addict to connect with somebody else. You know, if it was up to me, I'd be like, yeah, no, I'm not doing that shit. But it's not up to me today.

So my intention is to tell y'all

what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. I hope to stay in that format. Who knows? At some point I'm going to lose consciousness and like conscious train of thought. I hope you know, if I don't, we're going to have real problems. Hopefully spirit will take over and I and I'll stop talking shit at some point. But So what it was like, I'm not going to get too much into my childhood

because, you know, for a while I believe that I was just dealt this shitty deck of cards.

And that's why I was a heroin addict. That's why I did drugs the way that I did drugs. And that absolutely has nothing to do with why I did drugs the way that I fucking do drugs. I'm a I'm a heroin addict because when I put heroin into my body, I cannot tell you when I'm going to stop, right? I experienced the phenomenon of craving and I don't know when it's going to end. That's why I'm sitting here today. It has nothing to do with how I grew up.

There are people in this room with. I'm sure we, every single one of us, have a different walk of life

and it's completely different, but for whatever reason, we're still sitting in this chair. So I'm not going to go in depth. I had a pretty good childhood.

Nothing that I can really complain about. I used to be like, hey, you know, I've, I'm probably a drug addict because my dad passed away when I was like 10. And that's not true. That's not why I was drug addict. You know how many people I know whose dad passed away when they were like 10 and they did not shoot heroin like it? There might be more to this, but my dad passed away when I was like 10

and I was very heavily involved in sports. That's just what I did. I played sports like a maniac. I've always had this real thing in my life where like, I do something. If I'm going to do something, I do it very obsessively. And so I played basketball like that and my my family would always just be like, I'd get a lot of broken bones all the time.

Like I've been breaking my ankle like 8 times as a kid. It was crazy shit. And I just always keep going.

And I remember my family to always be like, dude, she's just so tough. She's just so tough, you know? And one of my aunts, I don't know how she's connected and she knows these things, but one of my aunts was finally like, hey, I think something's wrong with that kid. Like, like, you might want to get her checked out. Like, like, I just saw her get kicked off the trampoline, like backflip in the air and like, land on her head. And she just got up and walked away like nothing happened. Like, like, I don't think that's normal,

but my family's like, no, she's just tough, right? And, and truly the only thing that I can really remember

is like I always had friends and I always, I could always get connected with people easily. That wasn't a thing for me. But what I do remember is I was at a very young age, I was always so consumed and terrified by what other people thought of me.

Like when my dad passed away. Like I said, it wasn't Even so much that my dad passed away. It was like, now what it what do these people think of me that my dad passed away?

People thinking like being sorry for me. I just could not stand right. And I don't think that's really a normal reaction for 1/5 grader. It's kind of weird. So, so like I said,

I was really involved in sports and that's just what I did. And I finally get into, you know, I'm playing like school ball and all that stuff and I finally get introduced to some. I think I like smoked weed for the first time. I don't know who know, like I did drugs at a very young age,

I think was weed for the first time, but I get introduced to like the kind of like drug world and and I just remember like where you would see somebody and you're like,

I don't know, like I was at the pool one time and I'm just like a little kid and I see this chick like tatted up with like dreads and these people and they're walking up there smoking cigs and they got like this boom box and they're walking up to the pool and I'm like, I'm just like this little kid watching him and I'm like, I want everything about that in my life. Like that was like, so that was it, dude. So when I got introduced to the drug world, I was like, oh man, this is it, right? And,

and you know, basketball started to take this lower priority in my life, what was set up for me, right? I went to all the basketball camps, UGA camp.

My mom got a house across the street from the high school that I was specifically supposed to go to to play basketball. I started freshman on the varsity team and she got a house there. So I would never miss practice. And I will tell you that I made it to practice one time for 20 minutes and that was it. That was it, dude. So drugs really start taking priority. You know, I'm just like partying. I believe I'm like a very normal teenager.

I think everybody goes through some, some bad teenager

stage, right? So you know, I'm smoking weed, doing all that and I get introduced to pain pills. Like I said, I break a lot of bones. So I get introduced to some pain pills and I find that that the pain pills are fantastic. I really, I really enjoy pain pills. And not only that, this partying as a teenager has really gotten fucked up. And I'm on intense juvenile felony probation.

I'm no longer in high school anymore, but I hang out like I'm in high school. I dropped out. I dropped out in like 9th grade some crazy shit. But but so I get introduced some roxies and I can't smoke weed anymore because I'm on probation and house arrest and all this bullshit. So I do some roxies and for the first time in my life, it was like I had this experience where I was like, damn dude, I want to this is it. I want to feel like this forever like this is this is amazing. I don't know how people walk around all day not feeling like

this. And, and so I did that for a while and I didn't know, I started having these little things where

where I didn't know that I was like addicted. You know, I've always had an idea of what a drug addict looks like and it looks like a homeless person or something. Like definitely not me as a kid snorting Roxies.

I'd start with, I would, I would withdraw off this stuff And it was, it was like, whatever, I was just kidding. And I'd always be like, dude, I'm going to be done with this, right? And we're going to Fast forward some time of me just partying and having a good time with all of my friends. Keep in mind I have a group of friends and we all just party together and we do all these things together.

We grow up a little bit and most of these friends go off to college.

There are the friends who were like hanging out. And I'm like, hey,

we're going to get some Roxies tonight. And they're like, Oh yeah, we're going to go to the movies. Like we're just going to go to the movies. We're not going to get Roxy's. I'm like, that's so mind blowing to me. I'm like, that's so stupid. Why would you ever just go see a fucking movie instead of get some Rises with us? That's crazy shit. I don't understand that shit. So, so these people, some of them go off to college and there's really only a few of us left, right? And we're in our hometown

and eventually Roxy's get expensive. And I always believe that I'm going to stop doing them right. I always had this line in the sand that I would draw and I'd be like, dude, I'm just never going to do that right? I'm just never going to drive high. I'm just never going to steal anything. I'm just never going to rob my family.

I'm never going to shoot up, never going to do heroin, I'm never going to do any of these things. And I slowly start crossing every single one of these lines.

I had no idea what I was up against, just believing like, I'm gonna stop, you know, like I'm gonna stop when I want to stop. And,

and at one point I got this large sum of money. I, I got like, I think it was like $30,000. I was like 18 years old. I got $30,000 and I was like tight. I had all these grand ideas of what I was going to do with it. And I was like, you know what, I'm going to go out one time, you know, I'm going to, we're going to have a big party and I'm done, dude. Like we had like a, a Sam's getting sober party, you know, like Sam's done with this shit. She's getting sober,

like let's play fucking Roxy Pong, you know? And fucking that's it, right? And I had every intention of doing that. I ran through that $30,000 in less than two months, right? At this point, I'm, I'm out, I have $0.00. I owe the bank money somehow at this point

and and I get introduced to heroin and I do not know that

did I just I can tell you that I remember what day it was, what I was wearing, who I was with, where we went to go get it. When I got this this heroin, I did it and I had this experience that was like kind of like the first time that I did a Roxy, right? I found my new master. It was like, holy fuck, dude, I'm going to do this forever. This is amazing.

And so I proceed to do that

and slowly my outside circumstances start to become fucked up. They start getting fucked up. I, I don't know, I don't know about anybody here, but like, maintaining a life and with a terrible heroin addiction is pretty fucking hard. So outside circumstances get fucked up. And this time my family has tried to do interventions on me and I'm just like, get out of here with this bullshit. I'm just going to take Suboxone and wear fentanyl patches. Like, leave me alone.

Yeah. And finally I get in some legal trouble, some crazy shit. Like, I, I was at the point where I'd pawned everything. I I was right, dude. I was. I robbed my 9th grade literature teacher's house. Like, crazy shit, dude. Like, I'm just robbing people. I have no business robbing people. I'm a little white chick from Forsyth County that was 125 lbs. All right, Like, I should not be robbing people. And. And

so find myself in some legal trouble and I'm like, hey, dude, I'll go to rehab. They asked me.

I pawned some shit that my sister bought. And these detectives called me and they were this shit was that she bought online had been stolen in a robbery in Kennesaw where somebody got shot. And so they were like, hey, you were looking at you for like attempted murder charges. I'm like, oh, dude, that's not me. Like, I'll go to rehab, dude. So I go to this little spot called Murphosa.

So I get introduced to rehab. I go to Mariposa. I'm doing this little check in and these people are telling me

that that they don't, I went to detox, get into this place and they're like, yeah, we don't do drugs or alcohol here. And I got my grandma and my sister behind me and I'm like, oh, dude, this is so fucked up. What do you mean? You don't drink or or smoke weed? And you're like, they're like, no, dude, this is a sober, this is rehab. Like this is sober living. And I was like, this is so fucked up. I can't stay here. And I go to walk outside, tell my grandma and they're like, OK, we'll go inside and tell them.

So I go inside and tell the rehab. I said, look, there's been a big misunderstanding.

I'm not gonna stay here. I gotta go. And I walk back out and my family has left me and took my phone with my guard. And so I sat there a while and I went back in, you know, like I didn't really have much drop insurance.

I go in and dude, this is where I'm just introduced to rehab and we're just gonna skip through a lot of this, right? Because it is the same. It is the same song and dance over and over. I had no, I had absolutely no idea what I was up against. I could absolutely tell you that I had a heroin addiction, that I was addicted to heroin. Like there's no,

that's duh. Like clearly, look at my life. I'm clearly addicted to heroin. I didn't know what that fucking meant though, dude. I didn't know that that meant that when I honestly wanted to stop, I could not.

I did not know what I was up against, right? I didn't know that there's a difference between a hard user and an alcoholic, right? I just believed that that I was just using this real hard and I could just stop when I wanted. I didn't know a real alcoholic means that there's literally a obsession of a mind and that mind and body different than my fellows, right? And something is fucking happening and I have to have a vital spiritual experience for this shit to not happen anymore. I don't fucking know this information. I'm just over here like at the

chilling and rehab, like, yeah, I'm doing drugs.

And So

what this looks like is a couple years of me in and out of Mariposa. Mariposa let you come back as many times as you want. They're cool over there. So I'm in an automatic puzzle a whole lot. And I start showing up to a lot of detoxes because I believed that if these drugs were just out of my system, like if the drugs could just get out of my system, then I'd be fine, right? It's really the withdrawal and all this shit that I'm going through. Like, I'd be fine once the drugs are.

I've gone detox 13 fucking times. I'm a very slow learner. I will tell you that 13 times I fucking believed that once these drugs are out of my system, I'm just not going to do them anymore. And Needless to say, every single time I got out of detox, I could absolutely pass a drug test. There was no drugs in my system. And I got high again. And for a while I could tell you reasons why I got high again. And after a while I could not tell you why I did that. Again.

I have no idea to be honest. I don't, I don't know what the fuck happened dude. I was just driving down the road and the thought of getting high crossed my mind and I just went, you know, my car just fucking turned this way. I don't know. I really wanted to be fucking sober. Like hook me up to a lie detector. I would have fucking passed it every single time, dude. I meant it with everything in me. Like I don't want to do this shit anymore dude. Like not only have I broke everyone in my life's heart over this like I have, I've honestly broken my own fucking heart because I'm really

shit. Like I really believe I'm going to wake up and do something different today.

So fuck it, I'll tell you all some stories with detox. So, so I'm in fucking going in and out, right? And at one point

this is the insanity that I'm up against. At one point I've I've ran out of options and I'm like, hey, I don't know if y'all ever did this. I'm like, hey mom, my mom's still fucking with me at this point. There's a point that she doesn't. I'm like, hey mom, if you give me $80.00 I'll go to detox. Like I'm done. I just need $80.00. Can't go to detox sober. That's crazy shit.

So she gives me $80.00 and I go get high and then I check myself. I don't have insurance. I don't come from a family of money in any way shape form. I don't think I had insurance as a child. It was real sketchy. So,

so I got a 10/13 myself when I go to detox here, I got to walk in and be like, yo, dude ate a bunch of zannies, want to kill myself and even eat zanies that day, whatever. So I go 1013 myself. So that means that you have like a, I think it's like a 72 hour hold. Like you can't fucking leave after this. And then they send you this little state-run facility. So I I'm high as shit. And when I'm high, I really want to be sober dude. Like when I'm high shit, I'm really like, yeah, dude, I'll go to rehab. That's a great idea. Like I'm going to change

whole life. It like it sounds like a great idea, right And I checked myself into into the hospital 1013. I wake up the next morning

and and if you know what it's like waking up in the morning without doubt and you just wake up like eyes wide open and like the obsession is on you right. You cannot not get high. You just can't, right?

And so I'm like, I'm talking to the nurse. It's like 7:00 AM. I'm like, hey, I need something, OK, I'm going. I'm so sick, right? Dude? Heroin withdrawals are not that bad, OK? It's really just like, I mean, I'm be honest, it's like the flu, OK? You can get through the flu, right? Like they suck, dude. Don't get me wrong, I fucking hate withdrawals, but it's really you're just sick. You're not going to die, right? The problem is you throw, you sprinkle the obsession on there and I I'm going to crawl out of my skin, dude. I can't take this another second. So I'm talking

I'm like, hey, dude, I need something. She's like, all right, well, the doctor comes in at 11. I'll see if you can get some Advil. And immediately I'm like, got to get out of here, got to get high. I come up with this plan. I'm like, I'm going to I'm going to dip out of this hospital. I'm going to I'm going to hospital gown. The back is not the back is not tied up. OK, I'm going to hospital gown. They have all of my belongings and I'm off Alpharetta Highway at North Fulton Hospital and I'm like, I know these people who live in downtown Alpharetta. I'm.

Their house, OK, use their telephone, get some dope. I got a check I can pick up because I was working at Dunkin' Donuts. And I got, I'm like, all right, I got to go. And so I asked the security guard, I'm like, can you give me some water? She's like, yeah, absolutely. I'm like, OK, cool. So she goes. As soon as she turns around, I book it. I'm out, dude. I fucking book it. I'm fucking running through the parking lot of the hospital. I got this male nurse. He's chasing me. He doesn't know that he used to run track. So I'm fucking fast, dude. And he fucking falls and I'm like, I make it

Bush, dude. And I'm hiding out in this Bush behind the Wendy's off Alpharetta. There's like security driving around and I don't know what happened, dude. But I finally, it's probably been a good 45 minutes. I've been, I've been holding my spot, you know, I've been fucking in there and, and finally I can

have an epiphany. I'm like, I'm like naked basically. It's like 8:00 AM in the morning and my plan is flawed. My plan is extremely flawed. And I like see that. So I'm like, I come out of the Bush. I'm like, I'm like, I wait for him to come back. I come out the Bush. I'm like, hey guys, I'm not crazy.

And they tackle me down like I'm a crazy person and I'm like, guys, I'm really not crazy. And they're like, dude, this bitch is so crazy. And like I really believe that I'm not crazy though. You know, I'm saying like I'm like, I know this looks bad, but like, but like I just really thought that I was going to get some dope real fast. Like that's like I was in restraints the rest of the time. It was a bad, it was a bad scene anyway, that that's the thing. That's the insanity that I'm coming up against. I will check myself in to get sober and then not get sober.

So, so you know, I spend some time back-to-back to rehab and all this and at one point

we're going to talk about some frothy emotional appeal and how it's seldom suffices here at At one point I got some dope. It was some bad dope. Shot it up. I've been sober for a few months, don't know, it was like a month. I went and got some dope. It was bad dope. I knew it was bad dope. I tasted it. I

it looked weird when I broke it down. I know what dope looks like and it looked kind of chalky and I was like, that's weird. And I tasted it and it tasted like nothing. I was like, that's weird. But I'm absolutely going to shoot this up because like, I'm fucking dying. I have to have something to, I have to have something to change this. I literally cannot, I cannot sit in my own skin, dude. Like I cannot be sober. I don't know what the I'm so I'm in such discomfort that I I just can't. So I'm like, dude, I'm absolutely going to shoot this up.

Maybe some wacky shit, you know, it might be good though. And it was not. It was, it was something laced with Shrek 9, which is rat poison. I shot that up and somehow made it to the hospital. I'm not going to get too graphic, but it was, it was, you know, like foaming out the mouth and shit. Make it to the hospital and I fall out at the hospital

and I don't know how long I'm in the hospital. I wake up and I see you.

I got like all this shit all over me. I guess. I've been there for a few days. My pulse never reached over. Like I think it was like 28 beats per minute for a couple days and I wake up

and my mom, my family sitting in the room, right? And they're like, dude, they're crying. They're like, you can't keep doing this to us, right? You just you can't keep doing this to us. I get up and like, I'm not going to do this to y'all anymore, right? I got a girlfriend. She's like, I'm leaving if you keep doing this,

right? And I'm like, I'm absolutely not going to do this anymore, right? I've crossed some lines. So I'm like, I'm just going to go home.

I convinced my family. Rehab was the problem. Rehab was the problem, not me. It's like the places that I go or the problem, like not the fact that I show up at these places.

So I'm like, I'm going to go home. I got to be hooked up to this little heart monitor while I'm home, whatever. And I make it like 3 days. And I make it 3 days out of this little thing.

Doctor tells me, hey, if you ever shoot dope again, you're probably gonna fucking die. Your heart rate is to blow right now. Like if you shoot dope, you are not gonna fucking make it. I make it 3 days. I, I convinced myself that it's because I was shooting dope. I need to start snorting it again. I don't know if you can see my nose from here, but it's real fucked up. Like it says one size real small. So, right, doctor, family, girlfriend, all of the above, right? They're like, Sam, you got to stop. And I'm like, yes, I do. I know,

I know, this is bad, right? Three days later, I don't know what happened. I'm back at it.

That's what we're up against.

I didn't get sober again for another year. I went out for a year. That time I just said I was going to go get high on that Friday and that was it. I'm just getting high on Friday always, never telling anybody about it. I was out there for another year.

I finally come back in and nothing special really happened. I had the same circumstances, had a miserable life. I literally did nothing. I socialized with nobody unless we were planning on robbing somebody or you needed a ride to the pawn shop and I was getting a cut. You were going to give me some money for that,

and that was it, right? That's my only like, human interaction.

I tracked myself back into rehab

and I sold myself real short on what that was going to look like. I remember checking myself into detox and I was like, dude, if I have to sit in the back of a meeting with these old people drinking coffee and fake laughing at these jokes, been so fucking be it. Like that's what life would be like. And it might be better than this. I don't fucking know dude. Like I'm dying. And that's when I went to detox. And some people from my Home group today, they brought a meeting in there and

I met them and for whatever reason, I spoke to them. Yeah, like typically I was in detox. I wouldn't talk to anybody, but for whatever fucking reason, I walked up to those guys and I was like, hey, something in me had this willingness to be uncomfortable. And I was just like, hey, what do y'all do? Where do y'all go? Like, what's up? And they were. And this guy told me to go to this HA meeting. And so I did. When I got out and I got a sponsor, I started working the steps.

I took all the suggestions, got a Home group. I got a service position in that Home group

and I met for the first time. I live in life. I met like a group of people that I became like close friends with, right? Like, and I'm still close friends with some of those people that I met today. And I say some because a lot of them have died, right? A few of them died from the same thing that I suffer from.

So I'm sober for a little while and my sister passes away from a heroin overdose. I had about five months sober

and

I'd already worked the steps right. I was sponsoring people. So my sister passed away. I had this kind of experience that was like,

I don't know how to explain it, dude. Like for like I was, I was not OK. I was not fucking OK dude. Like, but

for, but like, I was OK, if that makes sense. Like I had people around me that just kind of like fucking dude. They just brought me through this shit, right? And I will tell you that something in me changed from that moment,

right? I still continue. I stayed sober for another six months after that. But there's this thing with staying sober, you got to be like rigorously honest, right? And you're like real honest. I got to be like fucked up honest dude like and, and something in me started to something started to change right where I no longer believed that

that I was sober because of I suffer from a heroin addiction. I started to believe that I was sober because I absolutely fucking hate heroin and I will never fucking do heroin again because my sister passed away from it. And if you try to challenge me on that, I will fight you.

So that's the space that I'm in, right? I'm never gonna do heroin again. You're a piece of shit if you say that to me,

right? So I shortly believe that I can smoke some weed and drink. And I, you know, I fucking met my my wife now I met her, she was not sober. I had like a year and a month sober and I met this chick who's like super alcoholic taking Molly. And I was like, that'll do, that'll fucking do. My sponsor. Everybody in my life is like, oh God. And so I was like, so I'm fucking trying to play normal, OK. And this is where I get the best experience of, of how,

how not normal I am dude. Trying to play normal with like people who are actually normal and can just like drink and go home. Like not, not like go get some dope or like they like, if you're like, they'll do some cocaine if it's on the table, but they're not going to wait 2 hours to get the cocaine, you know, like, so I'm playing normal dude, believing I hate heroin. Never going to do it again. This last for about 6 months, which is actually good for me dude, because usually it's like a one to two day turn around. So six months. I was really dragging this shit out like

it was hard. It was fucked up, dude. And finally,

once again, frothy emotional appeal. My sister died from heroin. You would think that I'd never fucking do heroin again, right? And here I am. I call somebody to get some cocaine. They're like, I don't have cocaine, but I got, I think they have Roxy. So we're like, I got some from Roxies. And I was like, without a second thought in me, I said, oh, I'm on my way to pick up a 10 pack. Sweet, let's go. And that was it. That was it dude,

I slowly emerged from that, Gets sober again. I'm about to be sober for real, guys. I swear

it took a lot, but so I finally get sober after that. Nothing significant really happened. I just got sober and I had this like there's this part in the big book. I'm going to read it. It's like the middle of the road solution, right? And it says,

it's on page 25,

it says if you were as seriously alcoholic as we are, we believe there is no middle of the road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible. And if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives. One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best as we could,

and the other was to accept spiritual help.

This we did because we honestly wanted to and we were willing to make the effort, right. So this is straight up like this is still in some first step shit in the big book and it's saying, hey, dude, you can either go out blotting the consciousness of your intolerable situation or you can accept some spiritual fucking help. There is no, there is no middle. There's no middle ground in here. These are your two alternatives. Any sane person would be like, spiritual help for sure,

right? But for whatever reason, I'm like a fucking junkie and my life is awful. And I'm like, I don't know about that spiritual solution.

It's crazy. So I come in here and I call it a crumb snatcher. OK, I'm being a real crumb snatcher. I'm just sitting in the back of the meeting. I'm playing on my phone. I got a sponsor, but I really call her like all the time, you know? And I'm just kind of like chilling. Like like, I know, I know that when shit gets rough, I'm going to, I'm going to step up my game, right? I'm going to. I'm going to really do the things that are required for me to stay sober when she gets rough.

That did not happen. That does not happen.

Sitting in here tonight and you're like, I'll really I'll call my sponsor when shit gets rough. I'm not going to call her for the next month though. Like you might want to call her consistently. There's no middle of the road shit here. I

so I go to the doctor because I'm sick and they say, hey, you need some coating because you're sick. And I'm, I guess I absolutely do. And I drink a whole bottle in the parking lot. And then my last time getting high is eating kratom at a gas station for three days straight. That sounds fucking crazy because my life has looked awful externally from shooting dope and externally my life looked better than I ever had. I just gotten a promotion at work. I got a raise right. I fucking live with my girlfriend. My life looks pretty fucking good on the outside, dude. It's never looked like this. I got some money

savings account and I'm dying internally. Dude, I just went to the fucking doctor,

got some medicine and now I'm spending hundreds of dollars a day at this fucking gas station taking kratom that I hate and I cannot not fucking get off work and go do this. And it's fucked up. It's, I don't know. I don't know how, I don't know how to explain that when, when that happens to you and you have the awareness of what the fuck is happening to you, it is fucked up, dude. Like internally that fucking killed me. And for whatever fucking reason, dude. And I don't know why because I've meant it 1000 times before.

That's the last time I got high,

right? Was eating credit. I'm at the gas station for whatever reason, I, I all of a sudden was just so

I just became so able to be so honest with people, right? Like something in me finally just fucking broke. And I don't know if you can produce that by talking to somebody, right? I don't know if we can intellectually produce this broken thing. I think it's an internal thing that has to happen within a person to where like something in you has to break for you to be like, dude, help me, dude. This is what I got going on. Like as embarrassing as this is, this is what's going on. And I just became extremely willing to be honest.

Do I even got willing my sponsor. So I worked for this guy had been sober for like 20 years and we're very close about sobriety and stuff. And he just given me a raise of some money that I really believed I needed to make. Like I had strived so long to make that amount of money, right? Like that is all I focused on was making that paycheck. And she was like, hey, dude, possibly why don't you get honest with this man, right? And I was like, dude, I'm going to lose this race. I'm going to lose this promotion. I'm going to lose these things that I believe that I fucking

right. And for whatever reason, like like that was here and like doing heroin again, was here, right? Because for me, the first step isn't like right. It's admitted that I was powerless over drugs and that my life was unmanageable, right? For me for so long, that meant that I can't do dope anymore, right? I'm like, I just can't do dope anymore. And that and for the first time I had the experience of that's absolutely not what it means. It means, motherfucker, I'm going to do

again, if my experience shows me anything, it's I'm absolutely going to do this shit again if I do not have this vital spiritual experience, the psychic change that these people have talking that these people have talked about and I clearly have not had right? So, so I, I just became willing, dude, I was like, you know what, I might lose that race, right? I might not make the money that I believe that I needed to make right, but fuck it, dude, like I'm going to shoot dope. I'm going to fucking shoot dope. Like I don't fucking care, dude. I was fucking

to tell everybody like, yeah, I fucking hate some kratom, but I did. Dude fucking went to my boss. I told him, I told him these things and for the first time ever, I always been lying about some shit. Just dumb shit. Like for the first time ever, I could like not, I could, I literally could not lie. Like I could lie, but then like immediately like the lie would come out or like, I'd have to be honest with you, it was fucking weird. Dude. Never had that experience before. It was kind of shitty to be on like all the lies at once were coming out like some crazy shit

and dude, it was extremely uncomfortable. But I got with a confident sponsor. I worked the 12 steps right and I literally did these things at this woman suggested right. I got a Home group once again, fucking got a service position in that Home group. I went to a big book study. I did these fucking things and I wrote inventory and for the first time, that page that I always left out of that inventory. I fucking just right. I'd always have this one page on inventory written and I just fly past it while we were reading it.

And for whatever reason, I fucking looked at that page and I went to flip it again, like I wasn't gonna read it. And I just looked at her and I was like, man, I really don't want to fucking tell you this, but here we go. Right, right. I, it was all out, right? All these things. I was just very honest. And dude, I got to make some amends. My men's list was fucked up. I, I stole a lot of money. There was so much money amends on my list that it was like, I literally remember making this list and I was like, I will never be able to make these

fucked up. And this stresses me out like like and the right so I'm making smaller moons all the time. You know, like what I can't literally I fucking put dude, I had like a shit job. I'm putting like $10 in this woman's mailbox because I ponder laptop or like her daughters laptop. I put $10 in her mailbox every week until it was paid off like some crazy shit. I'm like, dude, I'll never be able to pay this back. And what was funny, I was reflecting on things and like, I think it was like two years ago,

early, a year and a half ago, I was in the steel on steel, and I pulled up my men's list.

I looked at this shit and I was like, Oh my God, dude,

most of these are gone. Most of those men said. I said that I would never be able to fucking make. I have made them, dude. How the fuck did that happen? Like where did that shit come from?

I, I started, I started sponsoring other woman. Alright, I still sponsor. I sponsor a shit time. I sponsor people for real. If someone didn't sponsor me the way that I was sponsored, I don't know what I don't know what I would be doing right? That was very ingrained in me and it always has been of like, like the purpose of the 12 steps,