Workshop about the chapters Bill's Story and There Is a Solution at the Spiritual Awakenings group in Bernardville, NJ
preamble
from
the
40s.
It's
an
AA
group
preamble.
And
anybody
that
knows
me
knows
I'm
very,
very
fond
of
the
real
old
literature.
The
older
writings
around
the
30s
and
40s
of
this
program,
because
they
were
very
explicit,
they
were
very
hard
to
misunderstand,
and
they
were
right
to
the
point,
as
we'll
see
with
this
preamble.
Go
ahead,
Rose.
Thank
you.
the
way
to
make
about
it,
to
show
what
they
come
and
regard
this
in
our
community,
we're
all
come
to
know
that
alcohol
is
a
second
in
the
second
name
it
has
never
been
by
any
taxis
the
second
being
a
guy
that.
The
only
fine
membership
is
without
a
second
each
number
of
squared
as
debt
well.
It's
an
alcohol
and
without
the
page
of
all
at
the
end
of
the
same
time.
The
moment
we
think
so
much
is
moving
around
the
ear,
wine,
spirits,
and
lose
its
all
status
as
an
anonymous.
A.A.
is
not
interested
in
so
very
like
drugs
so
we're
not
sincere
to
desire
to
remain
sober
or
old.
Not
being
performers,
we
offer
our
experience
for
those
who
want.
We
have
a
way
out
of
what
you
can
be
in
a
place,
and
on
which
we
can
join
in
our
longest
act,
barely
having
failed.
Those
two-numbered
cannot
take
themselves
in
this
and
worse,
and
is
the
only
choice
of
the
problem.
There
was
a
fascinating
kind
of
common
included
a
fellowship.
Some
people
might
be
shocked
that
we
realize
a
dead
mission
that
we
must
put
first
in
the
each
of
us
the
coolest
things
are
healthy.
The
drainage
is
to
die.
The
same
girl
is
who
we
perish.
The
Lord
of
this
had
our
coming
from
this
meeting.
I
have
said
a
dollar
heads
and
few
sign
and
fair
medication.
The
first
said
this
meeting
expresses
our
own
day
as
a
whole,
and
you
are
free
to
agree
with
this
and
not
be
reconciled
for
the
motion
of
AA
people.
It's
hard
of
the
whole.
So
we're
going
to
live
with
it
and
then
on
with
what
are
being
to
be
in
that.
Thanks
a
lot,
Rich.
We're
going
to
be
in
the
second
half
of
Bill's
story
tonight.
There
is
one
thing
I
forgot
to
mention,
though.
There's
been
some
concern
about
the
cigarette
butts
being
distributed,
tither
and
yawn
across
the
grounds
here.
Please
confine
them
to
the
butt
cans.
I
like
to
look
at
Bill's
story
as
a
12-step
call
in
print.
And
it's
basically
broken
down
really
into
two
separate
parts.
What
it
was
like,
what
the
drinking
did
with
Bill,
where
it
took
him,
what
some
of
his
drinking
experiences
were
like,
and
how
far
down
the
ladder
he
went.
And
then
a
little
bit
about
what
happened
when
Ebby
showed
up,
and
then
his
path
to
recovery,
bringing
him
to
the
point
where
he
wrote
the,
he
constructed
the
architecture
of
the
program
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
from
his
many
different
religious
and
psychological
sources
and
medical
sources.
But
anyway,
last
week
we
covered
basically
as
drinking,
and
I
like
to
use
that
as
an
identifier
for
people.
the
first
60
pages
or
so
concern
themselves
with
the
first
step
and
then
there's
maybe
40
pages
after
that
that
cover
steps
two
through
12
so
I
mean
that
lets
you
know
right
there
there's
a
very
there's
a
very
important
message
to
be
carried
in
the
first
step
whenever
I
see
somebody
who
has
not
done
the
steps
who
goes
to
two
meetings
a
week
is
totally
miserable,
hates
his
family.
You
know,
when
you
see
somebody
like
that,
you
see
somebody
who
really
has
never
become
convinced
of
the
first
step.
Because
if
you
become
convinced
to
the
first
step
as
it's
laid
out
in
the
big
book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
there's
only
really
two
roads
for
you
to
take.
One
of
them
is
to
continue
drinking
and
just
forget
everything
you
know
to
the
best
of
your
ability.
And
the
other
is
to
grasp
onto
this
program
to
the
best
of
your
ability
and
recover
from
alcoholism
because
it
paints
us
into
a
corner.
But
you
have
to
kind
of
pay
attention
to
its
message.
I
think
one
of
the
saddest
things
was
when
I
first
came
into
AA
in
the
late
80s,
the
big
book
was
a
dust
collector
in
practically
every
AA's
bookshelf.
You
know
what
I
mean?
There
was
12
and
12
meetings
galore,
but
there
was
never
any
real
work
in
the
big
book
or
else
I
missed
it.
You
know,
maybe
it
was
the
receiver
that
was
broken
and
not
the
transmitter.
But...
Through
my
experience
working
with
others
and
through
my
experience
studying
the
big
book,
I've
really
come
to
believe
in
my
heart
that
the
way
out
for
us
is
to
practice
the
principles
in
this
book,
to
follow
the
instructions
and
to
actually
take
them
and
to
take
the
action
that
it
lays
out
for
us.
And
I've
come
to
believe
in
that
more
and
more
by
watching
people
do
it.
Besides
myself,
I've
got
my
own
experience,
but
watching
the
experience
of
other
people,
you
see
people
catch
fire
spiritually
who
are
really
in
this
process.
They're
out
there
making
amends,
they're
carrying
the
message
into
institutions.
They're
on
fire,
and
their
lives
are
changing.
And
I
really
do
believe
in
this
stuff.
So
we're
going
to
concentrate
on
the
second
half
of
Bill's
story
tonight.
And
what
I
like
to
do
is
I
like
to
ask
people
to
watch
what
Bill
did
to
recover.
He
lays
it
out
in
a
very,
very
simple
form
of
the
structure
of
the
program
of
recovery.
And
he
talks
about
how
he
did
it
in
his
life.
And
I'll
point
out
some
of
the
many
facts
as
we
go
through
the
story
that
I
find
pertinent
and
I
can
identify
with.
Start
down
on
page
9,
paragraph
5.
This
is
when
Ebby
Thatcher
walks
in
and
goes,
I've
got
religion.
I've
found
Jesus
and
I'm
not
drinking
anymore.
And
Bill
wanted
to
throw
him
out,
but
he
also
wanted
somebody
to
drink
with.
So
he
just
invited
the
guy
in.
He
goes,
I
was
aghast.
So
that
was
it.
Last
summer,
an
alcoholic
crackpot,
now
I
suspected
a
little
cracked
about
religion.
He
had
that
starry-eyed
look.
Yes,
the
old
boy
was
on
fire,
all
right.
Bless
his
heart.
let
him
rant.
Besides,
my
gin
would
last
longer
than
his
preaching.
But
he
did
know
ranting
in
a
matter-of-fact
way
he
told
how
two
men
had
appeared
in
court
persuading
the
judge
to
suspend
his
commitment.
They
had
told
him
of
a
simple
religious
idea
and
a
practical
program
of
action.
That
was
two
months
ago
and
the
result
was
self-evident.
It
worked.
Roland
Hazard,
and
I
think
the
guy's
name
was
Shep
Cornell,
showed
up
in
court.
Ebby
Thatcher
had
been
given
one
last
chance
in
the
town
that
he
was
living
in.
I
think
it
was
in
Vermont.
And
you
screw
up
one
more
time
the
judge
says
and
I'm
throwing
away
the
key
on
you.
And
pretty
soon
after
that,
what
he
did
was
he
got
drunk
as
a
goat
and
he
drove
his
car
into
a
couple's
kitchen.
He
went
flying
off
the
road
and
amid
the
rubble
of
the
kitchen,
the
couple
is
standing
there,
covered
with
dust
and
he
rolls
down
his
window
and
he
goes,
you
got
a
cup
of
coffee?
So
the
judge
was
irate.
So
income,
I
think
it
was
Chef
Cornell,
and
Roland
Hazard.
They
said,
Judge,
release
him
to
our
recognizance.
We're
going
to
New
York.
We'll
take
him
to
New
York
with
us.
We've
got
a
solution
for
his
problem.
We
think
we
can
help
him.
And
we'll
get
him
out
of
your
hair.
And
the
judge
said,
just
make
sure
he
never
comes
back.
And
he
started
to
follow
some
of
the
program
of
action
laid
out
in
the
Oxford
Group.
And
they
had
some
tenants
in
the
auction
group.
They
had
confession.
They
had
restitution.
They
had
what
our
11th
step
is
today,
morning
meditation,
and
checking
your
guidance
with
other
similarly
guided
people.
They
had
carrying
the
message
or
witnessing.
They
had
surrender.
They
had
a
lot
of
the
things
that
we
had.
And
what
it
did
was
it
led
to
a
spiritual
awakening
in
Ebby
Thatcher.
And
part
of
the
spiritual
awakening
is
to
carry
that
message.
So
he
finds
out
that
one
of
his
old
drinking
buddies,
Bill
Wilson,
is
in
town
and
he
pays
him
a
visit.
This
is
where
it
all
starts.
He'd
come
to
pass
his
experience
along
to
me
if
I
cared
to
have
it.
I
was
shocked
but
interested.
Certainly
I
was
interested.
I
had
to
be
for
I
was
hopeless.
He
talked
for
hours.
Childhood
memories
rose
before
me.
I
could
almost
hear
the
sound
of
the
preacher's
voices.
I
sat
on
still
Sundays,
way
over
there
on
the
hillside.
There
was
that
pro-offered
temperance
pledge
I
never
signed.
My
grandfather's
good-natured
contempt
of
some
church
folk
in
their
doings.
His
insistence
that
the
spheres
really
had
their
music,
but
his
denial
of
the
preacher's
right
to
tell
him
how
he
must
listen.
His
fearlessness
as
he
spoke
of
these
things
just
before
he
died.
These
recollections
welled
up
from
the
past,
they
made
me
swallow
heart.
He
was
raised
by
his
grandfather.
His
father
left,
abandoned
the
family
at
a
very
young
age.
So
he
was
raised
by
his
grandfather.
And
his
grandfather,
if
I
look
at
this
correctly,
was
agnostic.
So
he
was
brought
up
agnostic.
The
wartime
day
and
Winchester
Cathedral
came
back
again.
I
had
always
believed
in
a
power
greater
than
myself.
I
had
often
pondered
these
things.
I
was
not
an
atheist.
Few
people
really
are.
For
that
means
blind
faith
in
the
strange
proposition
that
the
universe
originated
in
a
cipher
and
aimlessly
rushes
nowhere.
My
intellectual
heroes,
the
chemists,
the
astronomers,
even
the
evolutionists
suggested
vast
laws
and
forces
at
work.
Despite
contrary
indications,
I
had
little
doubt
that
a
mighty
purpose
and
rhythm
underlay
it
all.
How
could
there
be
so
much
of
precise
and
immutable
law
and
no
intelligence?
I
simply
had
to
believe
in
a
spirit
of
the
universe
who
knew
neither
time
nor
limitation,
but
that
was
as
far
as
I
had
gone.
With
ministers
and
the
world's
religions,
I
parted
right
there.
When
they
talked
of
a
God
personal
to
me
who
was
love,
superhuman
strength,
and
direction,
I
became
irritated,
and
my
mind
snapped
shut
at
such
a
theory.
To
Christ
I
conceded
the
certainty
of
a
great
man
not
too
closely
followed
by
those
who
claimed
him.
Not
too
closely
followed.
His
moral
teaching
most
excellent
for
myself,
I
had
adopted
those
parts
which
seemed
convenient
and
not
too
difficult.
The
rest
I
disregarded.
I
also
kind
of
sought
spiritual
ways
of
life
when
I
was
out
there
drinking
and
snorting
cocaine.
I
would
read
books
on
Zen
and
things
like
that.
But
I'll
tell
you
what,
I
never
put
anything
into
practice.
that
I
learned.
It
was
wonderful
to
read
about
it
and
it
made
me
feel
warm
and
fuzzy
for
a
period
of
time,
but
my
life
continued
to
turn
into
shit.
The
wars
which
had
been
fought,
the
burnings
and
chicanery
that
religious
dispute
had
facilitated
made
me
sick.
I
honestly
doubted
whether
on
balance
the
religions
of
mankind
had
done
any
good,
judging
from
what
I
had
seen
in
Europe
and
since,
the
power
of
God
in
human
affairs
was
negligible,
the
brotherhood
of
man
a
grim
jest.
If
there
was
a
devil,
he
seemed
the
boss
universal,
and
he
certainly
had
made.
But
my
friend
sat
before
me,
he
made
the
point-blank
declaration
that
God
had
done
for
him,
what
he
could
not
do
for
himself.
His
human
will
had
failed.
Doctors
had
pronounced
him
incurable.
Society
was
about
to
lock
him
up.
Like
myself,
he
had
admitted
a
complete
defeat.
Then
he
had,
in
effect,
been
raised
from
the
dead,
suddenly
from
the
scrap
heap
to
a
level
of
life
better
than
the
best
he
had
ever
known.
You
have
to
pay
attention
to
something
like
that.
You
know,
I
can
remember
my
first
sponsor
showing
up
in
rehab
and
coming
in
with
that
glow,
you
know,
those
eyes.
I
mean,
you
knew
there
was
a
light
on
in
the
attic,
and
my
light
had
been
turned
out
a
long
time
ago.
And
I
remember
seeing
in
him
something
that
I
wanted,
and
I
ended
up
asking
him
to
sponsor
me
as
soon
as
I
was
done
relapsing.
Had
this
power
originated
in
him,
obviously
it
had
not.
There
had
been
no
more
power
in
him
than
there
wasn't
me
at
that
minute,
and
this
was
none
at
all.
That
floored
me.
Remember,
Dr.
Silkworth
had
told
Bill
what
his
problem
was.
He
had
an
obsession
of
the
mind
that
would
not
allow
him
to
quit
liquor
for
good
and
for
all.
And
he
had
the
physical
allergy,
which
would
ensure
his
doom
because
it
forces
you
to
drink
against
your
will
once
you
start.
Once
you
start.
That
floored
me,
it
began
to
look
as
though
religious
people
were
right
after
all.
Here
was
something
at
work
in
the
human
heart
which
had
done
the
impossible.
My
ideas
about
miracles
were
drastically
revised
right
then.
Never
mind
the
musty
past.
Here's
a
miracle
directly
across
the
kitchen
table.
He
shouted
great
tidings.
I
saw
that
my
friend
was
much
more
than
inwardly
reorganized.
He
was
on
a
different
footing.
His
roots
grasped
a
new
soil.
Remember
the
definition
of
the
spiritual
experience?
I
mean,
this
guy
had
had
a
spiritual
experience.
He
had
a
change
of
personality
at
depth
sufficient
to
recover
from
a
hopeless
state
of
mind
and
body
known
as
alcoholism.
Despite
the
living
example
of
my
friend,
there
remained
in
me
the
vestiges
of
my
old
prejudice,
the
word
God
still
aroused
a
certain
antipathy.
When
the
thought
was
expressed
that
there
might
be
a
God
personal
to
me,
this
feeling
was
intensified.
I
didn't
like
the
idea.
I
heard
somebody
say
once,
if
I
start
praying,
God
will
know
where
I
am.
I
could
go
for
such
conceptions
as
creative
intelligence,
universal
mind,
or
spirit
of
nature,
but
I
resisted
the
thought
of
a
czar
of
the
heavens,
however
loving
his
sway
may
be.
Not
yet,
Pat.
He's
practicing.
I've
since
talked
with
scores
of
men
who
have
felt
the
same
way.
My
friend,
here's
that
squiggly
font,
so
everybody
pay
attention.
My
friend
suggested
then
what
seemed
the
novel
idea.
He
said,
why
don't
you
choose
your
own
conception
of
God?
You
know,
if
you
have
some
Old
Testament,
turn
your
wife
to
a
pillar
of
salt,
flood
your
lands,
burn
your
city,
wipe
out
your
tribe
kind
of
Old
Testament
God,
get
rid
of
the
son
of
a
bitch.
You
know
what
I
mean?
get
a
different
God
that
statement
hit
me
hard
it
melted
the
icy
intellectual
mountain
in
whose
shadow
I
had
lived
and
shivered
many
years
I
stood
in
the
sunlight
at
last
it
was
only
a
matter
of
being
willing
to
believe
in
a
power
greater
than
myself
nothing
more
was
required
of
me
to
make
my
beginning
what
does
that
sound
like
that
sounds
like
step
two
I
saw
that
growth
could
start
from
that
point
upon
a
foundation
of
complete
willingness
I
might
build
what
I
saw
in
my
friend
what
I
have
it
of
course
I
would
but
you
need
willingness
For
the
spiritual
awakening
as
a
result
of
taking
the
course
of
action
laid
out
in
the
book,
you
have
to
be
willing.
We
don't
just
walk
into
the
rooms
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
say,
oh,
give
me
the
book,
I'll
take
it
home,
I'll
do
it.
I
mean,
we
have
to
have,
our
ass
has
to
be
to
the
fire.
Nobody
wants
to
do
this
stuff.
It's
become
quite
common
in
AA
for
people
that
are
doing
their
amends
to
not
go
much
further
than
the
family.
you
know
their
immediate
family
I
mean
you
really
you
really
have
to
understand
the
first
step
to
want
to
do
this
day
it's
not
something
that
comes
easy
to
us
it's
it's
it
goes
against
our
ego
and
I've
never
met
an
alcoholic
yet
who
was
in
completely
run
by
their
ego
when
they
walk
in
the
rooms
of
a
day
thus
I
was
convinced
that
God
is
concerned
with
us
humans
when
we
want
them
enough
at
long
last
I
saw
I
felt
I
believe
scales
of
pride
and
prejudice
fell
away
from
my
eyes
a
new
world
came
into
view
that's
important
The
real
significance
of
my
experience
in
the
cathedral
burst
upon
me
for
a
brief
moment
I
had
needed
and
wanted
God.
There
had
been
a
humble
willingness
to
have
him
with
me
and
he
came.
But
soon
the
sense
of
his
presence
had
been
blotted
out
by
worldly
clamors,
mostly
those
within
myself.
And
so
it
had
been
ever
since
how
blind
I
had
been.
I
remember
getting
a
real
clear
picture
of
God.
I
had
this
like
God
shot
one
time.
And
then
the
acid
wore
off.
You
know
what
I
mean?
Yeah.
These
things
don't
last
unless
you're
working
a
program
of
action,
I
believe.
This
is
an
important
page.
At
the
hospital
I
was
separated
from
alcohol
for
the
last
time,
treatment
seemed
wise
for
I
showed
signs
of
delirium
tremens.
He's
shaking
himself
sober
in
a
hospital.
And
let's
pay
attention
to
this
page
and
see
what
he
does.
There,
I
humbly
offered
myself
to
God
as
I
then
understood
him
to
do
with
me
as
he
would.
I
placed
myself
unreservedly
under
his
care
and
direction.
I
admitted
for
the
first
time
that
of
myself
I
was
nothing
and
that
without
him
I
was
lost.
That's
our
third
step.
I
ruthlessly
faced
my
sins
and
became
willing
to
have
my
newfound
friend
take
them
away,
root
and
branch.
That's
four,
six,
and
seven.
Okay.
I've
not
had
a
drink
since.
My
schoolmate
visited
me
and
I
fully
acquainted
him
with
my
problems
and
deficiencies.
He
did
a
fifth
step
on
his
hospital
bed
with
Abby
Thatcher.
We
made
a
list
of
people
I
had
hurt
or
toward
whom
I
felt
resentment.
I
like
that.
We
made
a
list.
He
probably
was
shaken
so
bad
he
couldn't
hold
a
pencil.
So
I
have
a
feeling
that
Ebby
wrote
and
he
dictated
it.
I
expressed
my
entire
willingness
to
approach
these
individuals
admitting
my
wrong.
So
that's
the
eighth
step.
Of
course,
he
couldn't
go
out
and
make
direct
amends,
so
he
had
to
wait
with
the
ninth
step
until
he
got
out
of
the
hospital.
But
today,
I
still
hear
every
once
in
a
while,
you
do
a
step
a
year,
or
take
your
time,
there's
no
rush
to
do
the
steps.
Bill
Wilson
did
them
all
before
he
got
off
his
ass.
He
did
almost
practically
every
one
of
them.
Never
was
I
to
be
critical
of
them.
I
was
to
write
all
such
matters
to
the
utmost
of
my
ability.
I
was
to
test
my
thinking
by
the
new
God
consciousness
within.
Common
sense
would
thus
become
uncommon
sense.
We're
talking
about
some
11-step
stuff
here.
I
was
to
sit
quietly
when
in
doubt
asking
only
for
direction
and
strength
to
meet
my
problems
as
he
would
have
me.
Never
was
I
to
pray
for
myself
except
as
my
request
more
on
my
usefulness
to
others.
Then
only
might
I
expect
to
receive,
but
that
would
be
in
great
measure.
That's
a
theme
throughout
this
book,
to
pray
for
yourself
to
get
better
in
many
ways
so
that
you
can
help
others
more
effectively.
And
that's
a
theme
that
we
can
follow.
My
friend
promised
that
when
these
things
were
done
I
would
enter
upon
a
new
relationship
with
my
creator
and
that
I
would
have
the
elements
of
a
way
of
living
which
answered
all
my
problems,
not
just
his
drinking.
Thank
you.
Belief
in
the
power
of
God
plus
enough
willingness,
honesty,
and
humility
to
establish
and
maintain
the
new
order
of
things
were
the
essential
requirements.
Simple
but
not
easy.
A
price
had
to
be
paid.
It
meant
destruction
of
self-centeredness.
I
must
turn
in
all
thanks
to
the
Father
of
Light
who
presides
over
us
all.
Some
people
think
I'm
a
hard
sponsor
because
I
beat
up
some
of
the
guys
pretty
bad
who
are
slipping
and
sliding.
But
it
says
here
that
there
must
be
a
destruction
of
our
self-centeredness.
And
sometimes
you've
got
to
beat
on
somebody's
ego.
You
know,
and
you
get
to
the
point
where
you'd
rather
step
on
somebody's
feelings
than
on
their
grave.
And
it's
just
important
for
that
ego
deflation
at
depth.
These
were
revolutionary
and
drastic
proposals,
but
the
moment
I
fully
accepted
them,
the
effect
was
electric.
There
was
a
sense
of
victory
followed
by
such
a
peace
and
serenity
as
I
had
never
known.
There
was
utter
confidence.
I
felt
lifted
up
as
though
a
great
clean
wind
of
a
mountaintop
blew
through
and
through.
God
comes
to
most
men
gradually,
but
his
impact
on
me
was
sudden
and
profound.
And
I
believe
it
was
sudden
and
profound
because
he
did
so
much
of
the
work
sitting
on
the
bed.
A
lot
of
people
when
they
read
this
book
early
on
thought
they
had
to
have
one
of
those
white
light
spiritual
awakenings,
like
a
sudden,
you
know,
hits
you
in
the
head
like
a
truck.
And
it
was
misrepresented.
Upon
careful
reading,
that's
not
true.
So
they
had
to
add
the
spiritual
appendix
in
the
following
additions
to
kind
of
clarify
what
they're
talking
about.
And
they
talked
then
about
the
spiritual
awakening
being
of
the
educational
variety
happening
slowly
over
a
period
of
time
after
a
course
of
action.
For
a
moment,
I
was
alarmed
and
called
my
friend
the
doctor
to
ask
if
I
was
still
sane.
He
listened
and
wondered
as
I
talked.
Finally,
he
shook
his
head
saying,
something
has
happened
to
you.
I
don't
understand,
but
you
would
better
hang
on
to
it.
Anything's
better
than
the
way
you
were.
The
good
doctor
now
sees
many
men
who
have
had
such
experiences.
He
knows
that
they
are
real.
While
I
lay
in
the
hospital,
the
thought
came
that
there
were
thousands
of
hopeless
alcoholics
who
might
be
glad
to
have
what
had
been
so
freely
given
me.
Perhaps
I
could
help
some
of
them.
They
might
in
turn
work
with
others.
And
here
he
is
detoxing
on
a
hospital
bed.
And
in
a
moment
of
meditation,
he
came
up
with
the
thing
that
saved
all
of
our
lives
sitting
in
this
room
tonight.
You
know,
that's
an
amazing
thing.
My
friend,
it
emphasized
the
absolute
necessity
of
demonstrating
these
principles
in
all
my
affairs.
Particularly
was
an
imperative
to
work
with
others
as
he
had
worked
with
me.
Twelve
step.
Faith
without
works
was
dead,
he
said,
and
how
appallingly
true
for
the
alcoholic.
Everybody
pay
attention
here.
For
if
an
alcoholic
failed
to
perfect
and
enlarge
his
spiritual
life
through
work
and
self-sacrifice
for
others,
he
could
not
survive
the
certain
trials
and
low
spots
ahead.
And
you
hear
people
coming
back,
I'm
just
coming
back,
I
broke
up
with
my
girlfriend
and
I
drank,
or
I
lost
my
job
and
I
drank.
I
don't
care
what
happened
before
you
drank.
I
know
that
one
thing
happened
before
you
drank.
You
failed
to
perfect
and
enlarge
your
spiritual
life
through
work
and
self-sacrifice
for
others,
or
you
wouldn't
be
drunk.
And
that's
just
the
way
it
is.
Alcoholics
like
the
place
blame.
And
that's,
you
know,
we're
taking
away
that
privilege
when
we
go
through
the
big
book
and
we
learn
the
principles
in
here.
If
he
did
not
work,
he
would
surely
drink
again.
If
he
drank,
he
would
surely
die.
Then
faith
would
be
dead
indeed.
With
us,
it
is
just
like
that.
My
wife
and
I
abandon
ourselves
with
enthusiasm
to
the
idea
of
helping
others
to
the
solution
of
their
problems.
It
was
fortunate
for
my
business
associates
remained
skeptical
for
a
year
and
a
half
during
which
I
found
a
little
work.
Yeah,
I
bet.
I
was
not
too
well
at
the
time
and
was
plagued
by
waves
of
self-pity
and
resentment.
This
sometimes
nearly
drove
me
back
to
drink,
but
I
soon
found
that
when
all
of
the
measures
failed,
work
with
another
alcoholic
would
save
the
day.
I
love
Bill
Wilson,
I
love
his
writings,
but
I
know
enough
about
him
to
know
that
he's
human,
and
he
had
a
lot
of
faults.
And
one
of
his
faults
was
he
went
through
the
steps
very,
very
quickly
early
on,
and
he
was
a
laurel
rester.
Anybody
in
here
understand
about
resting
on
your
laurels
on
yesterday's
spiritual
accomplishments?
He
was
accused
King
Laurel
Restor.
He
went
through
like
a
16-year
depression
that
he
finally
overcame
by
going
back
to
the
principals
in
the
program.
But
Dr.
Bob
was
not
a
laurel
rester.
Dr.
Bob
worked
the
steps
over
and
over
and
over
again
in
his
life,
and
you
do
not
find
him
admitting
to
depression.
You
do
not
find
him
being
negative
about
some
of
the
aspects
of
his
life.
And
you
do
with
Bill
Wilson.
So
what
he
did
was
he,
it
talks
about
immunity
from
alcohol
by
working
with
others.
That
saved
his
ass
time
and
time
again
from
his
depression
and
his
self-pity.
And
he'd
be
me,
me,
me,
I,
I,
I,
you
know,
the
alcoholic
opera.
So,
anyway.
Many
times
I've
gone
to
my
old
hospital
in
despair
on
talking
to
a
man
there,
I
would
be
amazingly
lifted
up
and
set
on
my
feet.
It's
a
design
for
living
that
works
in
rough
going.
Then
he
talks
about
a
little
bit
more
of
the
things
that
go
on.
Page
16,
paragraph
2.
There
is,
however,
a
vast
amount
of
fun
about
it
all.
I
suppose
some
will
be
shocked
at
our
seeming
worldliness
and
levity,
but
just
underneath
there's
a
deadly
earnestness.
Face
has
to
work
24
hour
a
day's
in
and
through
us,
or
we
perish.
We
do
have
a
lot
of
fun
in
here.
Every
once
in
a
while
a
non-alcoholic
will
wander
into
a
speaker
meeting
and
you
know
somebody
would
be
saying,
yeah,
and
then
I
ran
over
the
wife
drunk,
you
know,
the
whole
place
would
be
laughing
their
ass
off.
Then
I
got
excited
and
I
ran
her
over
trying
to
back
over
her
in
it.
And
you
know,
the
place
will
be
in
hysterics
and
non-alcoholics
will
just
be
looking
like.
Are
these
people
crazy?
But,
you
know,
we've
come
out
of
that
stuff,
so
we
can
look
back
on
it.
And
if
you
don't
look
back
on
it
and
laugh,
you're
going
to
look
back
on
it
and
cry.
Most
of
us
feel
we
need
look
no
further
for
Utopia.
We
have
it
with
us
right
here
and
now.
Each
day,
my
friend's
simple
talk
in
our
kitchen
multiplies
itself
in
a
winding
circle
of
peace
on
earth
and
goodwill
toward
men.
I'll
read
a
paragraph
out
of
language
of
the
heart.
That's
the
collected
grapevine
writings
of
Phil
Wilson.
And
I'm
really
a
fan
of
this
particular
one.
We
have
since
found
that
these
awful
conditions
of
the
mind
and
body
invariably
bring
on
the
third
phase
of
our
malady.
This
is
the
sickening
of
the
spirit,
a
sickness
for
which
there
must
necessarily
be
a
spiritual
remedy.
we
recognize
this
in
the
first
five
words
of
step
twelve
of
the
recovery
program
having
had
a
spiritual
awakening
here
we
name
the
remedy
for
our
threefold
sickness
of
body
mind
and
soul
here
we
declare
the
necessity
for
that
all
important
spiritual
awakening
so
in
that
paragraph
I
believe
he
talks
about
our
solution.
He
talks
about
the
treatment
for
alcoholism.
And
the
treatment
for
alcoholism
is
a
spiritual
awakening.
One
of
the
things
that
I
just
didn't
get
with
when
I
first
started
coming
around
to
AA
was
that
the
solution
to
my
problem
would
be
a
spiritual
awakening.
A
lot
of
people
told
me
the
solution
to
my
problem
would
be
an
endless
amount
of
meetings.
The
solution
to
my
problem
would
be
to
get
honest
and
talk
with
my
sponsor.
These
are
all
very,
very
good
things
to
do
and
probably
vital,
but
it
took
me
a
long
time
to
really
come
to
the
understanding
that
I
needed
a
personality
change
at
depth
as
a
result
of
practicing
the
12
steps
to
truly
be
a
recovered,
what
they
talk
about
in
this
book,
as
a
recovered
alcoholic,
to
truly
have
treated
my
alcoholism.
And
then
I
have
to
live
the
principles
of
the
12
steps
on
a
daily
basis
to
maintain
it.
We're
going
to
be
for
the
next
several
weeks
we're
going
to
be
on
step
one.
There's
quite
possibly
60
pages
and
the
doctor's
opinion
that
concern
themselves
with
the
first
step.
There's
tons
of
information
on
the
body,
and
the
first
step
as
it
concerns
the
body
is
basically
the
phenomenon
of
craving.
That
is
anybody
in
here
who's
an
alcoholic
can
definitely
relate
to
having
the
sixth
drink
asked
for
the
seventh
drink,
and
the
seventh
drink
asks
for
the
eighth
drink.
And
by
the
time
you
have
your
12th
drink,
you
want
the
12th
drink
more
than
you
wanted
the
third
drink.
That's
a
phenomenon
of
craving.
That's
the
acetone
in
your
bloodstream
crying
out
for
more
acetone.
And
that
makes
us
bodily
different
than
normal
people
and
normal
drinkers.
The
second
part
of
the
first
step
is
the
mind.
Why
can't
we,
no
matter
how
hard
we
try,
give
up
drinking
entirely
on
our
own
will,
just
deciding
not
to
drink?
I
was
talking
with
somebody
earlier
about
this.
How
it
clicked
with
me
about
the
obsession
of
the
mind
was.
I
always
thought
I
changed
my
mind.
I
swore
off
drinking
in
the
morning
with
that
nuclear
hangover
after
crashing
another
car
or
whatever.
But
by
the
afternoon,
I
had
changed
my
mind
and
I
was
on
the
way
to
the
liquor
store.
I
thought
that
was
my
willpower.
I
thought
that
that
was
me
changing
my
mind.
And
I
thought
that
coming
into
Alcoholics
Anonymous
would
be
like
one
giant
pep
rally
saying,
yay,
yay,
we
don't
drink
today.
And
just
trying
to
get
my
enthusiasm
up
to
not
drink.
I
thought
that
I
just
needed
to
not
drink
more.
I
didn't
know.
I
didn't
realize
that
I
had
an
obsession
of
the
mind
that
left
me
very,
very
little
choice
over
whether
I
picked
up
a
drink
or
not.
And
then
the
third
part
of
the
first
step,
which
is
often
overlooked,
is
the
spirit
malady.
And
they
talk
about
that.
There's
a
great
paragraph
in
We
Agnostics,
and
there's
a
little
bit
in
the
doctor's
opinion.
We
feel
restless,
irritable,
and
discontented
unless
we
feel
that
sense
of
ease
and
comfort
that
comes
from
a
drink.
We're
full
of
fear,
remorse,
self-pity,
resentment.
Our
life
is
not
satisfactory,
nor
are
we
comfortable
with
ourselves
and
our
environment.
All
those
nameless
little
fears
and
anxieties
that
we
have.
That's
the
spirit
mallee.
And
I
thought
I
was
just
a
screwed
up
person,
but
once
I
started
to
recover
from
alcoholism,
those
things
started
to
go
away,
and
I
realized
they
were
part
of
the
disease.
I'm
not
saying
that
other
people
in
society
don't
have
those
same
problems,
but
I
know
that
mine
was
aggravated
by
my
alcoholism,
and
it
started
to
go
away
as
I
started
to
practice
the
steps.
We're
going
to
start
tonight
on
chapter
two,
there
is
a
solution.
We,
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
know
thousands
of
men
and
women
who
were
once
just
as
hopeless
as
Bill,
nearly
all
have
recovered.
They
have
solved
the
drink
problem.
We
are
average
Americans,
all
sections
of
this
country
and
many
of
its
occupations
are
represented
as
well
as
many
political,
economic,
social,
and
religious
backgrounds.
We
are
people
who
normally
would
not
mix.
And
that's
true.
I
mean,
look
around.
Would
you
find
all
of
us
at
one
party
over
in
the
Burroughsville
Mountains
or
something?
No
way.
You
might
find
us
all
imprisoned
together
or
something.
But
we're
a
people
who
normally
would
not
mix.
But
there
exists
among
us
a
fellowship,
a
friendliness,
and
an
understanding
which
is
indescribably
wonderful.
We
are
like
the
passengers
of
a
great
liner
the
moment
after
rescue
from
shipwreck
when
camaraderie
joyousness
and
democracy
pervade
the
vessel
from
steerage
to
captain's
table.
And
unlike
the
feelings
of
the
ship's
passengers,
however,
our
joy
and
escape
from
disaster
does
not
subside
as
we
go
our
individual
ways.
The
feeling
of
having
shared
in
a
common
peril
is
one
element
of
the
powerful
cement
which
binds
us.
But
that
in
itself
never
would
have
held
us
together
as
we
are
now
joined.
This
is
a
construction
reference
and
I
find
them
useful
to
note
them
when
we
get
to
them.
Our
common
peril,
our
common
problem
as
alcoholics
is
one
part
of
the
cement
which
holds
us
together.
The
tremendous
fact
for
every
one
of
us
is
that
we
have
discovered
a
common
solution.
That's
another
part
of
the
cement,
the
common
solution.
We
have
a
way
out
upon
which
we
can
absolutely
agree
and
upon
which
we
can
join
in
brotherly
and
harmonious
action.
That
is
a
powerful
sentence.
What
that
says
is
the
treatment
for
alcoholism,
which
they
will
give
us
in
the
form
of
the
12
steps
in
some
of
the
following
chapters,
is
a
way
out
upon
which
the
entire
first
100
agreed.
And
they
joined
in
brotherly
and
harmonious
action
practicing
those
steps
to
recover
from
alcoholism.
You
got
to
remember
that
there
weren't
widespread
meetings
at
the
time
this
book
was
written.
As
a
matter
of
fact,
there
was
no
Alcoholics
Anonymous
meetings.
When
this
book
was
written,
there
was
Oxford
Group
meetings,
which
were
basically
just...
a
very
evangelical
type
of
Christian
fellowship
where
people
got
together
and
practiced
some
of
the
lessons
that
they
learned
from
first
century
Christianity
and
other
sources.
So
there
really
wasn't
any
AA
at
that
time.
You
would
not
see
a
sign
on
the
door,
AA,
and
with
a
G
underneath.
We
were
going
to
Oxford
Group
at
that
time.
there
was
some
clicks
of
the
oxford
group
the
the
drunks
would
get
together
and
they
would
they
would
start
their
own
little
gatherings
you
know
the
oxford
group
drugs
but
the
oxer
group
got
pissed
off
about
that
and
what
they
basically
said
was
you
guys
are
going
off
on
your
own
thread
and
we're
not
real
comfortable
with
that
so
we
really
were
finally
forced
to
maybe
not
forced
but
The
writing
was
on
the
wall
for
us
to
break
away
from
the
Oxford
group,
and
we
did
that
in
the
late
30s
and
early
40s.
The
tremendous
fact
for
every
one
of
us
is
that
we
have
discovered
a
common
solution,
we
have
a
way
out
upon
which
we
absolutely
agree.
This
is
the
great
news
this
book
carries
to
those
who
suffer
from
alcoholism,
that
there
is
a
way
out,
and
they're
going
to
explain
it.
An
illness
of
this
sort,
and
we
have
come
to
believe
it
in
an
illness
involves
those
about
us
in
a
way
no
other
human
sickness
can.
If
a
person
has
cancer,
all
are
sorry
for
him
and
no
one
is
angry
or
hurt,
but
not
so
with
the
alcoholic
illness.
For
with
it
there
goes
annihilation
of
all
things
worthwhile
in
life.
It
engulfs
all
whose
lives
touch
the
sufferers.
It
brings
misunderstanding,
fierce
resentment,
financial
insecurity,
discussing
friends
and
employers,
warped
lives
of
blameless
children.
Sad
wives
and
parents,
anyone
can
increase
the
list.
It
really
is.
a
disease,
well
I
won't
even
say,
I
won't
even
call
it
a
disease
because
the
book
doesn't
do
that.
The
book
calls
it
an
illness
and
a
malady.
It
is
an
illness
that
is
still
to
this
day
misunderstood
by
the
majority
of
people
out
there.
They
look
upon
it
as
a
lack
of
willpower
or
something.
It's
so
hard
to
understand
alcoholism
if
you're
not
an
alcoholic.
Why
don't
you
just
stop
drinking?
You
know,
what
is
wrong
with
you?
You
must
be
nuts.
I
mean,
it's
so
misunderstood.
But
I'll
tell
you
what,
it's
a
horrible
disease.
On
the
one
hand,
it's
the
worst
disease
to
have
because
every
other
fatal
malady
that
I
know
of
at
least
gives
you
the
dignity
of
putting
your
affairs
in
order
before
you
check
out.
You
know
what
I
mean?
You
can
make
amends
to
your
loved
ones
and
all
that
stuff.
Alcoholism,
when
you're
on
the
way
out,
that's
the
worst
time
for
that
kind
of
stuff.
You
usually
go
out
in
disgrace.
But
it's
the
best
disease
to
have
because
you
can
recover
from
it
by
following
spiritual
principles.
You
can
put
it
100%
in
remission
for
the
rest
of
your
life
by
following
certain
spiritual
principles
and
putting
yourself
in
the
right
atmosphere
for
God
to
be
able
to
relieve
you
of
the
problem.
We
hope
this
volume
will
inform
and
comfort
those
who
are
who
may
be
affected.
There
are
many.
Highly
competent
psychiatrists
who
have
dealt
with
us
have
found
it
sometimes
impossible
to
persuade
an
alcoholic
to
discuss
a
situation
without
reserve.
Strangely
enough,
wives,
parents,
and
intimate
friends
usually
find
us
even
more
unapproachable
than
do
the
psychiatrist
than
the
doctor.
A
lot
of
times
we
don't
know
what
the
hell
is
going
on,
so
it's
hard
for
us
to
vocalize,
you
know.
But
the
ex-problem
drinker
who
has
found
this
solution,
who
is
properly
armed
with
facts
about
himself,
can
generally
win
the
entire
confidence
of
another
alcoholic
in
a
few
hours
until
such
an
understanding
has
reached,
little
or
nothing
can
be
accomplished.
This
is
what
drives
our
spouses
and
our
family
nuts.
For
20
years,
we've
been
drinking
our
family
into
ruin.
And
let's
say
our
wife
or
a
husband
has
been
doing
absolutely
everything
in
their
power
to
try
to
keep
us
from
drinking,
to
try
to
get
us
better.
And
one
day
we
wander
into
an
AA
meeting
and
we
meet
a
plumber
named
Wally
and
we
never
take
another
drink.
You
know,
they're
like,
what
the
hell
did
Wally
the
plumber
say
for
God's
sake?
You
know?
They've
been
working
on
us
for
20
years.
Yeah.
It's
that
identification.
When
I
was
in
rehab,
I
signed
myself
into
rehab.
There
was
four
counselors
that
would
interact
with
me,
at
least,
and
the
rest
of
the
people
I
was
with.
and
three
of
them
were
alcoholic
and
one
of
them
wasn't.
One
of
them
would
identify
herself
as
an
adult
child
of
an
alcoholic.
Now
this
is
before
I
knew
any
of
the
recovery
banter.
You
know
what
I
mean?
And
I
thought
that
was
a
strange
way
to
identify
yourself.
I
thought,
you
know,
what
the
hell
would
I
say?
I'm
an
insane
drinker.
from
Basking
Ridge
and
a
son
of
a
librarian.
I
had,
you
know,
what
difference
does
it
make?
I
could
never
relate
to
this
woman.
She
really
tried
and
she
had
a
great
heart,
but
there
wasn't
the
identification
that
I
had
with
the
three
other
counselors
because
the
three
other
counselors
were
alcoholics.
And
they
knew
my
language
and
I
knew
theirs,
and
I
couldn't
get
anything
by
them.
You
know
what
I
mean?
The
codependent
adult
child,
I
could
get
stuff
by.
That
the
man
who
is
making
the
approach
has
had
the
same
difficulty,
that
he
obviously
knows
what
he's
talking
about,
that
his
whole
department
shouts
at
the
new
prospect,
that
he's
a
man
with
a
real
answer,
that
he
has
no
attitude
holier
than
now,
nothing
whatever,
except
the
sincere
desire
to
be
helpful,
that
there
are
no
fees
to
pay,
no
access
to
grind,
no
people
to
please,
no
lectures
to
be
endured.
These
are
the
conditions
we
have
found
most
effective
after
such
an
approach.
Many
take
up
their
beds
and
walk
again.
And
back
in
the
old
days,
taking
up
your
bed
and
walking
again
was
you
took
up
the
sheets
off
the
bed
when
you
were
done
being
sick
and
you
washed
them
and
you
got
on
about
your
life.
You
know,
you
were
better.
None
of
us
makes
a
sole
vocation
of
this
work,
nor
do
we
think
its
effect
in
this
would
be
increased
if
we
did.
We
feel
the
elimination
of
our
drinking
is
but
a
beginning.
Note,
a
much
more
important
demonstration
of
our
principles
lies
before
us
in
our
respective
homes,
occupations,
and
affairs.
That's
an
important
sentence.
There
are
a
lot
of
people,
not
that
I
judge
for
God's
sake.
There
are...
There
are
a
lot
of
people
who
come
into
AA
and
all
they're
interested
in
is
not
drinking.
That's
it.
You
know,
don't
hand
me
any
of
this
psychobabble.
I
don't
need
my
head
shrunk.
I
just
need
to
stop
drinking.
Thanks.
And
they
go
about
their
affairs
the
same
way
they
did
when
they
weren't
drinking.
And
that's
a
recipe
for
disaster.
You'll
see
many
of
them
drink,
and
if
they're
lucky,
they'll
maintain
a
very
uncomfortable
sobriety,
white-knuckle
version,
being
angry
and
resentful
at
the
entire
world,
and
probably
go
to
the
grave
very
bitter.
All
of
us
spend
much
of
our
spare
time
in
the
sort
of
effort
that
we're
going
to
describe
if
you
are
fortunate
enough
to
be
so
situated
that
we
can
give
nearly
all
of
their
time
to
the
work.
Most
of
these
guys
were
unemployed,
so
that
that
was
easy.
If
we
keep
on
the
way
we're
going,
there's
little
doubt
that
much
good
will
result,
but
the
surface
of
the
problem
would
hardly
be
scratched.
Those
of
us
who
live
in
large
cities
are
overcome
by
the
reflection
that
close
by,
hundreds
are
dropping
into
oblivion
every
day.
Many
could
recover
if
they
had
the
opportunity
we
have
enjoyed.
How
then
shall
we
present
that
which
has
been
so
freely
given
us?
We
have
concluded
to
publish
an
anonymous
volume
setting
forth
the
problem
as
we
see
it.
That's
what
we
have
in
our
hands.
We
shall
bring
to
the
task
our
combined
experience
and
knowledge.
I'll
tell
you
what.
I
have
been
in
enough
step
meetings
in
my
life
to
honestly
say
I
have
probably
been
through
the
stepbook
at
least
150
or
200
times,
the
first
part
of
the
12
and
12.
And
I
can
honestly
say
that
I've
done
the
big
book
thing
for
a
number
of
years
and
on
my
own
enough
times
to
say
I've
at
least
been
through
the
big
book
60
times.
And
I'll
tell
you
what,
I'm
not
knocking
the
stepbook.
There's
a
lot
of
wonderful
stuff
in
it.
But
it
pales
in
comparison
to
the
big
book.
It
absolutely
pales
in
comparison
in
the
big
book.
One
of
the
greatest
crimes
I
see
is
there's
15,012
and
12
meetings,
and
there's
like
two
big
book
meetings.
The
combined
experience
of
the
first
100
went
into
a
lot
of
the
concepts
in
this
big
book.
And
the
12
and
12
was
basically
Bill's
vehicle,
Bill
Wilson.
So
you
get
one
person's
view
in
the
12
and
12,
and
you
get
60
or
80
in
the
big
book.
And
I
think
that's
why
I
believe
that
this
is
so
inspired
of
volume.
Every
time
I
go
through
this,
you
know,
nobody
was
more
than
like
three
and
a
half
years
sober
when
this
was
written.
And
there
are
people
20,
30
years
sober
that
go
through
this
book,
and
every
time
they
go
through
it,
they
see
something
new.
They
get
a
whole
new
revelation
about
a
certain
paragraph
or
idea.
That
doesn't
happen
to
me
really
with
the
12
and
12,
not
to
the
extent
that
it
does
with
the
big
book.
This
should
suggest
a
useful
program
for
anyone
concerned
with
a
drinking
problem.
so
the
program
is
going
to
be
laid
out
in
this
book
and
talking
about
the
12
and
12
it's
basically
a
series
of
essays
written
after
Bill
was
19
or
so
you're
sober
looking
back
on
his
experience
and
it's
basically
they
were
basically
written
to
broaden
and
deepen
the
concepts
that
were
laid
out
in
the
big
book
so
if
anyone
is
trying
to
figure
out
how
to
do
the
steps
by
going
to
the
step
book
you're
you
know
you're
reading
a
sequel
all
the
all
the
action
all
the
action
instructions
are
in
the
big
book
they're
really
not
in
the
stepbook
there
is
some
further
information
that
will
allow
you
to
broaden
and
deepen
your
experience
with
the
steps
but
it's
not
necessary
you
can
you
can
you
can
recover
just
fine
never
picking
up
a
12
and
12
I
find
the
most
important
part
of
the
1212
really
is
the
second
part
the
tradition
anyway
Jump
back
off
the
soapbox.
Of
necessity,
there
will
have
to
be
discussion
of
matters
medical,
psychiatric,
social,
and
religious.
We
are
aware
that
these
matters
are,
from
their
very
nature,
controversial.
Nothing
would
please
us
so
much
as
to
write
a
book
which
would
contain
no
basis
for
contention
or
argument.
We
shall
do
our
utmost
to
achieve
that
ideal.
Most
of
us
sense
that
real
intolerance
of
other
people's
shortcomings
and
viewpoints
and
in
respect
for
their
opinions
are
attitudes
which
make
us
more
useful
to
others.
There
are
also
attitudes
I
didn't
have
when
I
walked
in
here.
Our
very
lives
as
ex-problem
drinkers
depend
upon
our
constant
thought
of
others
and
how
we
may
help
to
meet
their
needs.
That's
another
concept
that
you'll
find.
There's
a
thread
all
the
way
through
these
chapters
that
really
push
us
in
the
direction
of
being
of
service
to
other
people.
You
may
already
have
asked
yourself
why
it
is
that
all
of
us
have
become
so
very
ill
from
drinking
doubtless
you
are
curious
to
discover
how
and
why
in
the
face
of
expert
opinion
to
the
contrary
we
have
recovered
from
a
hopeless
condition
of
mind
and
body.
If
you
were
an
alcoholic
who
wants
to
get
over
it,
you
may
already
be
asking,
what
do
I
have
to
do?
Remember,
this
book
was
written
to
be
sent
out
upon
the
tides
of
alcoholism.
There
was
two
meeting
areas,
Akron
and
New
York,
where
alcoholics
were
gathering,
and
they
concluded
to
publish
this
volume.
One
of
the
first
things
they
did
was
they
sent
out
postcards
describing
the
book
to...
literally
thousands
of
doctors,
thinking
that
the
doctors
would
buy
this
book
and
then
pass
them
out
to
all
the
alcoholic
patients.
I
think
like
three
doctors
responded,
and
the
handwriting
was
so
bad
they
couldn't
even
read
the
addresses.
It's
like
drunken
doctors.
But
the
idea
was
to
give
the
recipe
for
recovery...
in
the
big
book
so
that
you
could
take
the
book
and
recover
from
alcoholism
all
by
yourself.
You
just
needed
to
find
somebody
that
would
hear
your
fifth
step
and
then
find
some
other
drugs
to
work
with.
Those
were
the
things
that
you
needed
other
people
for
besides
the
men's
and
stuff
like
that.
It
is
the
purpose
of
this
book
to
answer
such
questions
specifically.
We
shall
tell
you
what
we
have
done
before
getting
into
a
detailed
discussion.
It
may
be
well
to
summarize
some
points
as
we
have
seen
them.
How
many
times
have
people
said
to
us,
I
can
take
it
or
leave
it
alone,
why
can't
he?
Here's
a
place
where
you
can
turn
statements
into
questions.
Ask
yourself,
has
any
of
this
ever
been
said
to
you
or
about
you?
Why
can't
he?
Why
don't
you
drink
like
a
gentleman
or
quit?
That
fellow
can't
handle
his
liquor.
Why
don't
you
try
drinking
beer
or
wine?
Lay
off
that
hard
stuff.
I
mean,
people
told
me
this
all
the
time.
Every
time
I
drank
tequila,
I'd
get
arrested.
People
would
say,
why
don't
you
just
stay
off
tequila?
It
was
like,
oh,
duh.
She's
such
a
sweet
girl.
I
think
that
he
should
stop
for
her
sake.
That's
my
favorite.
You
know?
Yeah.
You
have
such
a
sweet
girl.
Why
don't
you
quit
for
her
saying?
It's
like,
what?
Something
like
that
didn't
even
register.
I
would
stop
talking
to
such
a
person
very
quickly,
you
know.
The
doctor
told
him
that
if
you
ever
drank
again,
it
would
kill
him,
but
there
he
is
all
lit
up
again.
Now
these
are
commonplace
observations
on
drinkers
we
hear
all
the
time.
Back
of
them
is
a
world
of
ignorance
and
some
misunderstanding.
We
see
that
these
expressions
refer
to
people
whose
reactions
are
very
different
from
ours.
Now
they're
going
to
go
over
some
different
types
of
drinkers.
And
everybody
pay
attention.
There
really
are
different
scales
to
alcoholism
and
different
types
of
drinkers.
And
it's
not
important
to
know
what
somebody
else
is,
but
it's
very
important
to
know
what
you
are.
Unless
you're
working
with
somebody
and
taking
them
through
the
steps,
you
know,
that's
up
to
them
what
they
are.
But
I
needed
to
know
what
type
of
a
drinker
I
was
because
I
needed
to
know
that
I
really
had
no
other
options
but
to
do
this
work.
Because
I
don't
like
running
around
making
amends.
I
don't
like
running
around
carrying
the
message
into
hospitals
and
jails.
I've
got
better
things
to
do,
thank
you.
So
I
really
needed
a
reason
to
go
through
the
steps
and
finding
out
what
type
of
an
alcoholic
you
are
is
the
fuel
that
you
can
use
to
motor
through
the
rest
of
the
work.
moderate
drinkers
have
little
trouble
in
giving
up
liquor
entirely.
If
they
have
good
reason
for
it,
they
can
take
it
or
leave
it
alone.
These
are
the
type
of
people
who
you
would
meet
in
the
bar
and
they
would
stop
by
and
they
would
have
two
drinks
and
say,
got
to
go
home
to
the
wife
and
kids.
You
know?
or
you
would
buy
them
a
drink
hoping
to
keep
them
there
so
you'd
have
somebody
to
drink
with
they'd
drink
the
drink
you
just
bought
them
and
then
leave
before
they'd
buy
you
one
you
know
these
are
moderate
drinkers
and
I
hate
them
so
much
so
much
so
are
they're
the
type
of
people
that
have
a
beer
and
a
half
you
know
you'll
meet
them
on
the
plane
they'll
order
they'll
order
a
whiskey
sour
and
they'll
stir
it
for
15
minutes
and
the
ice
will
be
melting.
You
know
what
I
mean?
It's
like,
hey,
excuse
me,
your
ice
is
melting.
You're
going
to
drink
that?
It
still
bothers
me
to
see
that.
Then
we
have
a
certain
type
of
hard
drinker.
These
are
the
people
that
look
just
like
us.
I
had
a
roommate
once.
He
drank
just
like
me.
We
went
into
blackouts
together.
He'd
drink
rum
and
I'd
drink
bourbon
and
we'd
crash
cars,
we'd
get
arrested,
we'd
thrown
out
of
apartments,
we'd
trash
houses.
Side
by
side,
we
were
there
together.
He
met
a
girl,
fell
in
love,
took
up
housekeeping
and
sipped
wine.
You
know,
the
guy's
sick
mine.
I
drove
my
life
into
the
toilet
for
like
the
next
six
years.
You
know
what
I
mean?
They
have
a
certain
type
of
hard
drinker.
He
may
have
the
habit
barely
enough
to
gradually
impair
him
physically
and
mentally.
It
may
cause
him
to
die
a
few
years
before
his
time.
The
heavy
drinker
might
die
early
because
he
drinks
so
much.
But
if
a
sufficiently
strong
reason,
ill
health,
falling
in
love,
change
of
environment,
or
the
warning
of
a
doctor
becomes
operative,
this
man
can
also
stop
or
moderate,
although
he
may
find
it
difficult
and
troublesome
and
may
even
need
medical
attention.
I'll
give
you
an
example.
A
couple
of
the
guys
I
went
to
rehab
with.
Now,
rehabs
are
great.
As
soon
as
you
walk
through
the
door,
you're
an
alcoholic.
They
brand
you
on
the
head
with
a
stamp.
They
don't
give
you
the
dignity
of
figuring
it
out
yourself.
My
roommate
was
not
an
alcoholic.
He
had
the
habit.
He
had
that
physical
craving,
and
he
would
go
into
withdrawal
without
alcohol.
But
once
he
was
withdrawn
from
alcohol,
he's
fine.
He
hasn't
had
a
drink.
His
life
is
fine.
He's
not
a
resentful,
bitter
person.
He's
okay.
You
know
what
I
mean?
And
I
know
another
guy.
He's
a
carpenter
that
I
worked
with.
Same
exact
thing.
Went
to
CAI,
got
detoxed,
said,
I
don't
need
any
of
your
head
shrinking
thanks.
After
three
days,
he
walked
out.
He's
been
fine.
He's
been
fine.
He
even
has
champagne.
you
know
special
occasions
he
can
stop
or
moderate
although
he
had
to
be
detox
that
that
does
not
define
an
alcoholic
an
alcoholic
is
someone
who
they'll
go
over
a
little
bit
later
who
has
the
obsession
in
the
mind
they
cannot
control
their
intake
they
can't
decide
that
they're
not
gonna
ever
drink
again
and
then
never
drink
again
you
know
they
can't
be
detoxed
and
then
be
fine
the
rest
of
their
lives
But
what
about
the
real
alcoholic?
He
may
start
off
as
a
moderate
drinker.
He
may
or
may
not
become
a
continuous
hard
drinker.
But
at
some
stage
of
his
drinking
career,
he
begins
to
lose
all
control
of
his
liquor
consumption
once
he
starts
to
drink.
That's
one
qualifier.
You'll
lose
control
over
how
much
you
drink
once
you
start.
Here's
the
fellow
who's
been
puzzling
you,
especially
in
his
lack
of
control.
These
are
also
things
that
you
turn
statements
into
questions.
And
I
always
like
to
pick
on
tea.
Tea
does
absurd,
incredible,
and
tragic
things
while
drinking.
Tea
is
a
real
Dr.
Jekyll
and
Mr.
Hyde.
Tea
is
seldom
mildly
intoxicated.
He's
all
he's
more
or
less
insanely
drunk.
Wow.
His
disposition
while
drinking
resembles
his
normal
nature
but
little.
Ask
yourself
if
these
things
are
true
in
your
case.
Chris
made
you
one
of
the
finest
fellows
in
the
world,
yet
let
him
drink
for
a
day,
and
he
frequently
becomes
disgustingly
and
even
dangerously
antisocial.
I
got
to
the
point
where
I
was
answering
the
door
of
my
house
with
a
loaded
38
handgun
because
of
paranoia.
I
lived
in
fucking
Basking
Ridge.
You
know?
Like,
who's
going
to
come
around
rob
in
Basking
Ridge?
Somebody
walks
a
dog
without
a
leash
and
makes
the
municipal
court
section
in
Baskin
Ridge,
you
know?
And
I
don't
answer
the
door
with
a
handgun.
It
would
be
like
a
Girl
Scout
selling
cookies
or
something.
I
was
dangerously
antisocial.
I
also
had
a
positive
genius
for
getting
tight
at
exactly
the
wrong
moment,
particularly
when
some
important
decision
must
be
made
or
engagement
kept.
My
favorite
example
of
this
is
I'm
getting
my
license
back
from
a
third
DWI.
I
walked
the
entire
80s.
And
I'm
getting
my
license
back
for,
for,
I
finally
got
all
the
paperwork
together.
You
know
what
it's
like
to
get
your
license
back.
Forget
about
it.
I
mean,
I
had
to
go
down
to
Wayne
like
20
times.
Finally,
I've
got
all
the
paperwork
together
and
they
have
to
get,
I
had
to
take
the
driver's
test.
It
was
me
and
35,
17-year-olds
taking
the
driver's
test.
I'm
like,
I'm
like
in
my
30s
getting
my
license
back.
Anyway.
Okay.
I
drive
down
to
Wayne,
but
I
really
have
a
problem
with
authority
and
walking
into
buildings
with
a
lot
of
people.
So
I
have
to
have
a
drink.
So
I
have
a
couple
of
pops.
And
I
walk
in,
I
sit
out
at
this
woman's
desk,
and
she's
the
one
that's
going
to
finally
stamp
my
paper
and
I
can
go
get
my
license.
And
I
go,
I
got
this,
and
I
got
this.
And
I'm
throwing
down
all
the
paperwork.
I
finally
got
all
the
ducks
in
a
row.
And
she
starts
sniffing
me.
She
goes,
she
goes,
you've
been
drinking.
I
go,
no.
She
goes,
yes,
you
have
to.
I
smell
vodka
on
you.
That's
like...
Like,
I'll
tell
you
what,
she
goes,
did
you
drive
here?
I'm
like,
no,
I
didn't
drive
here.
I
ended
up
like
running
through
the
woods
and
doubling
back
to
get
to
my
car.
I
mean,
she
finally
had
to
give
me
the
slip
of
paper.
I
mean,
I
had
her
cold,
you
know.
She
had
to
give
me
the
slip
of
paper,
and
she
hands
it
to
me,
but
she
won't
let
go.
You
know,
it's
like
a
tug
of
war.
She's
like,
you
know,
trying
to
protect
society
from
me.
Now,
if
I
had
any
choice
in
whether
I
drank
or
not,
would
I
do
something
so
stupid
is
to
get
drunk
before
I
went
to
get
my
license
back
for
a
third
DWI?
No
way.
That's
insane.
Another
time
I
got
drunk
before
my
daughter
was
baptized
and
I
had
to
send
one
of
my
friends
as
me.
I
had
to
tell
him
to
pretend
he
was
me.
I
was
too
drunk
to
go
to
the
baptism.
You
know,
would
I
do
something
so
bad
if
I
had
control?
I
have
little
or
no
control
over
when
I
drink
or
how
much
I
drink.
He
is
often
perfectly
sensible
and
well-balanced
concerning
everything
except
liquor,
but
in
that
respect
he's
incredibly
dishonest
and
selfish.
He
often
possesses
special
ability,
skills,
and
aptitudes
and
has
a
promising
career
ahead
of
him.
He
uses
his
gifts
to
build
up
a
bright
outlook
for
his
family
and
himself
and
then
pulls
the
structure
down
on
his
head
by
a
senseless
seriousness
of
sprees.
Has
anyone
in
here
ever
done
that?
You
know
it.
You
know,
you
just
get
to
the
point
where
your
head's
above
water,
you've
got
a
new
place
to
live,
you've
got
your
license
back,
you've
got
a
car,
you've
got
a
job,
and
it
explodes.
He's
a
fellow
who
goes
to
bed
so
intoxicated,
you
ought
to
sleep
the
clock
around,
yet
early
the
next
morning.
He
searches
madly
for
a
bottle
he
misplaced
the
night
before.
If
he
can
afford
it,
he
may
have
liquor
concealed
all
over
his
house
to
be
certain
no
one
gets
his
entire
supply
away
from
him
to
throw
down
the
waste
pipe.
As
matters
grow
worse,
he
begins
to
use
a
combination
of
high-powered
sedative
and
liquor
to
quiet
his
nerves
before
he
can
go
to
work.
Anybody
in
here
ever
use
high-powered
sedatives
with
booze?
Xanax
and
vodka
was
mine.
Yeah,
just
to
eat.
Then
comes
the
day
when
he
simply
cannot
make
it
and
he
gets
drunk
all
over
again.
Yeah.
Perhaps
he
goes
to
the
doctor
who
gives
him
morphine
or
some
sedative
with
which
to
taper
off.
They
stay
away
from
the
morphine,
but
if
you
know
the
doctor
pretty
good,
he'll
give
you
a
librium.
Then
he
begins
to
appear
at
hospitals
and
sanitarians.
Let's
just
change
that
to
rehabs
and
detoxes.
This
is
by
no
means
a
comprehensive
picture,
but
the
true
of
the
true
alcoholic,
as
our
behavior
patterns
vary.
But
this
description
should
identify
him
roughly.
It
identifies
the
low-bottom
alcoholic.
And
that's
basically
what
this
book
was
concerned
with.
You
do
not
have
to
be
a
low-bottom
alcoholic
to
be
an
alcoholic.
Basically,
what
I
get
from
the
text
is
you
really
need
to
have
two
things.
You
need
to
have
the
obsession
of
the
mind,
which
is
you
cannot
quit
drinking
entirely
on
your
own
unaided
will.
and
number
two,
you
need
to
have
the
phenomenon
of
craving
develop
when
you
start
drinking.
I'll
give
you
an
example
for
that.
If
you
don't
have
both
of
those,
you
don't
have
a
problem.
I'll
give
you
an
example.
Let's
say
you
have
the
phenomenon
of
craving
but
not
the
obsession
of
the
mind.
Then
just
never
drink
again.
Or
let's
say
you
have
the
obsession
of
the
mind
but
you
don't
have
the
physical
craving.
Then
every
time
you
pick
up
a
drink,
control
it.
You
know,
just
have
what
you
want
to
have.
you
know
what's
the
problem
you
really
need
to
have
both
of
those
to
be
considered
an
alcoholic
but
you
but
that
doesn't
mean
you
have
to
be
a
low
bottle
i
can
relate
to
people
who've
never
left
their
house
never
had
any
of
the
drama
the
crashed
cars
never
had
any
of
the
rehabs
or
losing
the
families
or
anything
and
they're
they're
just
as
much
alcoholic
as
i
am
you
know
Why
does
he
behave
like
this?
If
hundreds
of
experiences
have
shown
him
that
one
drink
means
another
debacle
with
all
its
intended
sufferings
and
humiliation,
why
is
it
that
he
takes
one
drink?
Why
can't
he
stay
on
the
water
wagon?
What
has
become
of
the
common
sense
and
willpower
that
he
still
sometimes
displays
with
respect
to
other
matters?
You're
talking
about
the
obsession
of
the
mind.
Perhaps
there
never
will
be
a
full
answer
to
these
questions.
Opinions
vary
considerably
as
to
why
an
alcoholic
reacts
differently
from
normal
people.
We
are
not
sure
why,
once
a
certain
point
is
reached,
little
can
be
done
for
him.
We
cannot
answer
the
riddle.
We
know
that
while
the
alcoholic
keeps
away
from
drink
as
many
do
for
months
or
years,
he
reacts
much
like
other
men.
We
are
equally
positive
that
once
he
takes
any
alcohol,
whatever,
into
his
system,
something
happens
both
in
the
bodily
and
mental
sense
would
make
it
virtually
impossible
for
him
to
stop.
The
experience
of
any
alcoholic
will
abundantly
confirm
this.
We've
been
involved
mainly
in
the
first
step
considerations
in
the
big
book.
There's
many,
many
pages
that
give
us
a
lot
of
information.
enough
information
that
we
can
usually
through
our
own
experience
confirm
some
of
the
truths
about
our
alcoholism.
I
like
to
look
at
the
first
step
in
three
parts.
I
like
to
look
at
it
bodily,
and
that's
basically
what
happens
to
us
after
the
first
drink,
what
happens
to
our
body
after
the
first
drink.
I
like
to
look
at
it
as
far
as
our
mind.
Why
can't
we,
when
we
decide
to
stop
drinking
for
good
and
for
all,
which
we've
all
done
probably
30
times,
if
we've
done
it
once,
why
haven't
we
been
able
to
remain
completely
off
of
alcohol
through
our
own
willpower?
And
then
the
third
part
that
oftentimes
gets
overlooked
is
the
spirit,
the
spirit
malady.
That's
basically
things
like
we're
not
able
to
control
our
emotional
natures.
We're
subject
to
misery
and
depression.
We're
restless,
irritable,
and
discontented.
There's
many
other
emotional
and
spiritual
problems
that
come
along
with
alcoholism,
whether
we
drink
or
not.
And
most
of
the
time,
the
spirit
malady
we
suffer
from
more
when
we're
not
drinking.
than
when
we're
drinking.
Because
to
a
certain
extent,
alcohol
is
a
cure
for
our
spirit
malady.
And
I
believe
that
the
spirit
malady
is
what
aimed
me
into
drinking
alcohol.
Because
when
I
first
started
drinking
alcohol,
I
felt
the
fear
go
away.
I
felt
the
emotional
turmoil
stop.
A
whole
lot
of
things
took
place.
So
we're
looking
right
now
at
the
first
step.
and
we're
on
page
23
at
the
top
of
page
23
if
there
is
a
solution.
These
observations
would
be
academic
and
pointless
if
our
friend
never
took
the
first
strength
thereby
setting
the
terrible
cycle
in
motion.
And
here
they're
talking
about
our
mental
obsession.
Why
can't,
you
know,
if
we
know
what
happens
to
us
when
we
pick
up
a
drink,
if
we
end
up
in
St.
Clair's
detox
or
Charlie
Stuckey's
Honesty
House
or
some
God-Forsaken
place,
why
do
we
keep
picking
up
booze?
Why
do
we
keep
drinking?
Therefore,
the
main
problem
of
the
alcoholic
centers
in
his
mind
rather
than
in
his
body.
If
you
ask
him
why
he
started
out
on
that
last
banner,
the
chances
are
that
he'll
offer
you
any
one
of
a
hundred
alibis.
Sometimes
these
excuses
have
a
certain
plausibility,
but
none
of
them
really
makes
sense
in
the
light
of
the
havoc
and
alcoholics
drinking
bout
creates.
They
sound
like
the
philosophy
of
the
man
who
having
a
headache
beats
himself
on
the
head
with
a
hammer
so
that
he
can't
feel
the
ache.
If
you
draw
this
fallicious
reasoning
to
the
attention
of
an
alcoholic,
he
will
laugh
at
off
or
become
irritated
and
refuse
to
talk.
I
was,
personally,
I
was
baffled
by
why
I
was
doing
it
night
after
night
after
night,
you
know,
crashing
cars
and
waking
up
on
the
floor
and
having
nuclear
hangovers
just
night
after
night
after
night.
And
there
weren't
really
a
whole
lot
of
people
that
were
close
enough
to
me
and
really
cared
about
me
to
ask
me
things
like,
why
do
you
drink
so
much,
Chris?
You
know,
because
I'd
brushed
those
people
away
from
me
over
the
years
and
i
was
just
drinking
with
people
who
drank
like
me
and
i
was
hanging
out
with
people
who
my
behavior
would
be
acceptable
with
i
just
had
to
but
if
you
would
have
asked
me
why
do
i
keep
doing
it
i
don't
think
i
would
have
known
uh
i
was
caught
up
in
something
that
was
stronger
than
me
i
knew
that
but
i
didn't
i
couldn't
have
really
verbalized
what
was
going
on
with
me
Once
in
a
while
he
may
tell
the
truth,
and
the
truth,
strange
to
say,
is
that
usually
he
has
no
more
idea
why
he
took
that
first
drink
than
you
have.
Some
drinkers
have
excuses
which
with
they
are
satisfied
part
of
the
time,
but
in
their
hearts
they
really
do
not
know
why
they
do
it.
Once
this
malady
has
a
real
hold,
they
are
a
baffled
lot.
There
is
the
obsession
that
somehow,
someday
they
will
beat
the
game,
but
they
often
suspect
they're
down
for
the
count.
And
my
obsession
was,
somehow,
someday,
I'll
be
able
to
use
alcohol
successfully
like
I
had
previously.
In
my
first
three
or
four
years
of
drinking,
the
high
school
and
early
college
drinking,
it
was
great.
I
had
a
great
time.
Sure,
I
crashed
cars
and
got
arrested
and
stuff
like
that,
but
that
was
a
small
price
to
pay
for
the
amount
of
fun
I
was
having.
But
later
on
in
my
drinking,
I
was
just
basically
drinking
for
oblivion
and
everything
was
bleak
and
I
had
no
friends
left.
My
family
was
gone.
I
was
just
drinking
alone
up
in
a
room.
Somehow,
someday,
I
really
obsessed
on
being
able
to
enjoy
my
drinking
like
I
used
to.
But
the
problem
is,
because
it's
a
progressive
disease,
there's
no
way
in
hell
I
ever
could
regain
the
control
to
be
able
to
enjoy
my
drinking.
How
true
this
is,
few
realize,
in
a
vague
way,
their
families
and
friends
sense
that
these
drinkers
are
abnormal,
but
everyone
hopefully
awaits
the
day
when
the
sufferer
will
rouse
himself
from
its
refugee
and
assert
his
power
of
will.
I
truly
believe
this.
Unless
you're
an
alcoholic
and
you've
suffered
from
the
things
we've
suffered
from,
you
do
not
understand
why
we
don't
just
stop.
You
know
what
I
mean?
You
just
don't.
Why
doesn't
that
person
stop?
It's
like
I'm
not
a
food
addict,
but
I
know
people
who
have
addictions
to
food.
And
I
think,
well,
what
the
hell
did
you
eat
two
cakes
for?
Because
I
don't
understand
the
food
addiction
where
flour
creates
a
phenomenon
of
craving
and
you
eat
two
cakes.
I've
never,
I
never
experienced
that.
So
I
don't
know.
So
I
look
at
a
food
addict
like
they're
out
of
their
mind.
You
know,
not
really,
but
you
know
what
I
mean?
I
just
don't
understand.
Well,
I
think
the
same
thing
happens
with
the
non-alcoholic.
They
look
at
us
and
they
say,
well,
why
don't
you
just
stop
drinking?
You
know,
it's
like
the
guy
banging
themselves
on
a
head
with
a
hammer
repeatedly.
Stop
banging
yourself
on
a
head
with
a
hammer.
The
tragic
truth
is
that
if
a
man
be
a
real
alcoholic,
the
happy
day
may
not
arrive.
He
has
lost
control.
At
a
certain
point
in
the
drinking
of
every
alcoholic,
he
passes
into
a
state
where
the
most
powerful
desire
to
stop
drinking
is
of
absolutely
no
avail.
That
says
right
there
that
if
you
can
stop
drinking,
for
good
and
for
all,
under
your
own
willpower,
you
are
not
an
alcoholic,
at
least
the
type
of
alcoholic
that
the
big
book
is
describing
in
its
description.
The
alcoholic
is
the
person
who
has
lost
the
power
to
control
when
they
drink
and
how
much
they
drink
when
they
drink.
This
tragic
situation
has
already
arrived
in
practically
every
case
before.
It
has
been,
it
is
suspected.
That's
what
kills
us.
By
the
time
we
realize
there's
a
problem,
we're
too
far
past
the
point
of
being
able
to
do
anything
about
it
ourselves.
One
of
the
statements
I
like
is
the
chains
of
alcoholism
are
too
soft
to
feel
until
they're
too
strong
to
break.
The
fact
is
that
most
alcoholics,
for
reasons
yet
obscure,
have
lost
the
power
of
choice
and
drink.
And
you
still
hear,
today
I
choose
not
to
use,
or
just
don't
drink
even
if
your
ass
falls
off.
You
hear
all
kinds
of
things
like
that.
And
that's
really
a
misrepresentation
of
the
first
step.
The
first
step
basically
is,
if
you
really
are
an
alcoholic,
you
don't
have
any
control
over
whether
you
drink
or
not.
You
can
surround
yourself
with
AA
meetings,
and
that
can
create
an
atmosphere
of
sobriety.
But
our
book
tells
us
that
without
a
spiritual
awakening,
we
are
not
going
to
be
safe
and
protected
against
the
first
drink,
without
a
spiritual
awakening.
So
there
are
many
things
that
Alcoholics
Anonymous
can
offer
one
that
will
keep
one
from
drinking.
And
I
think
the
greatest
is
the
steps
which
will
offer
the
spiritual
solution
to
our
problems,
which
will
place
us
in
the
hands
of
God
who
will
place
us
in
a
position
of
neutrality,
safe
and
protected
from
alcohol,
and
solve
a
lot
of
other
problems
along
the
way,
like
the
spirit
malady
and
things
like
that.
Our
so-called
willpower
becomes
practically
non-existent.
We
are
unable
at
certain
times
to
bring
into
our
consciousness
with
sufficient
force
the
memory
of
the
suffering
and
humiliation
of
even
a
week
or
a
month
ago.
We
are
without
defense
against
the
first
string.
And
you
hear
things
like,
I
come
to
AA
to
keep
my
memory
green.
Like
keeping
your
memory
green
is
a
satisfactory
guard
against
picking
up
the
first
train.
Our
book
tells
us
that
it's
not.
Keeping
your
memory
green
is
not
sufficient
defense
against
the
first
strength.
It's
not.
It
may
work
99
times
out
of
100
years.
but
there
can
come
that
time
when
thinking
that
oh
my
god
i'm
going
back
to
the
salvation
army
that
that's
not
going
to
be
a
sufficient
defense
against
the
first
train
not
pointing
any
fingers
the
almost
certain
consequences
that
follow
taking
even
a
glass
of
beer
do
not
crowd
into
the
mind
to
deter
us
if
If
these
thoughts
occur,
they
are
hazy
and
readily
supplanted
with
the
old
threadbare
idea
that
this
time
we
shall
handle
ourselves
like
other
people.
So
sometimes
if
we
do
think,
oh
my
God,
this
may
not
be
the
best
thing
in
the
world
for
me
to
do,
the
thought
won't
be
sufficient
enough
to
keep
us
from
picking
up
the
drink.
We
won't
think,
in
other
words,
if
just
before
the
drink
I
thought
to
myself,
well,
I
think
I'll
ruin
my
family's
financial
position.
I
think
I'll
lose
my
job,
humiliate
myself
in
front
of
all
my
friends
and
everyone
I
know,
have
to
go
off
to
rehab,
ruin
my
credit
rating,
go
to
Honesty
House,
and
end
up
having
to
cook
for
him
for
the
next
six
months
during
aftercare.
I
think
I'll
have
a
drink.
I
mean,
that's
not
how
I'm
going
to
think
if
the
time
is
going
to
come
for
me
to
pick
up
a
drink.
It'll
be
something
like
this.
Yeah,
I
know,
I
know,
but
God
damn
it,
I
just
need
a
half
an
hour
of
that
feeling.
You
know,
I
just
need
a
half
an
hour
escape.
You
know,
that'll
be
the
kind
of
thought.
It'll
be
like
it'll
be
a
lie.
It'll
end
up
being
a
lie.
There
is
a
complete
failure
of
the
kind
of
defense
that
keeps
one
from
putting
his
hand
on
a
hot
stove.
I've
got
to
give
an
experience,
a
personal
experience
about
this.
I
think
it
was
fifth
or
sixth
or
seventh
grade.
It
was
my
first
year
at
junior
high.
There
was
this
guy
named
Huey,
and
we
all
used
to
call
him
Baby
Huey,
because
he
was
about
210
pounds
in
like
seventh
grade.
He
was
this
huge
guy.
And
in
the
hallways,
we
each
had
our
locker,
and
it
was
combination
lockers.
And
you
know
how
kids
play
pranks
on
other
kids.
What
you
would
do
to
play
a
prank
on
somebody
is
you'd
come
up
behind
them
while
they're
getting
their
books
out
and
you'd
slam
their
locker
shut.
Then
they'd
have
to
go
through,
oh,
the
whole
pain
in
the
ass,
they're
turning
the
combination
and
open
into
their
locker
back
up
and
you
get
a
good
laugh
while
you're
walking
off
down
the
hallway.
Well,
I
used
to
do
this
to
Huey
all
the
time.
I
kind
of
thought
we
were
buddies.
I
used
to
pick
on
him
and
slam
his
locker
every
chance
I
got.
Well,
I
picked
slamming
his
locker
on
a
bad
day
for
Huey.
Okay,
he
was
having
a
bad
day,
and
he
didn't
appreciate
having
his
locker.
He
grabbed
me
by
the
shoulders.
I
was
maybe
95
pounds
at
this
time,
and
he
was
like
200.
He
grasped
him
by
the
shoulders,
and
he
lifts
me
up,
and
he
starts
slapping
my
head
against
the
concrete
wall
of
the
hallway.
It's
like
a
cinder
block
wall.
I'm
going,
wham!
He
knocked
me
completely
unconscious,
and
I
was
laying
on
the
floor,
and
I
came
to
after
classes
had
started,
and
the
halls
were
empty.
And
I
get
up,
and
I
stagger
my
way,
you
know,
stagger
my
way
into
class
and
sit
down.
And
I
thought
to
myself,
God
damn
it,
that's
the
last
time
I
slam
his
locker
shut.
You
know
what
I
mean?
It
was
fun
to
do,
but
I
paid
a
consequence.
I
got
knocked
out.
Well,
how
many
times
did
I
pick
up
alcohol
and
get
knocked
out?
How
many
times
did
I
grab
the
bottle
of
bourbon
and
end
up
on
the
floor
with
my
head
split
open
or
something?
It
would
have
been
like
me
going
up
to
Baby
Huey
the
next
day
and
slamming
his
locker
shut
again
and
having
him
knock
me
out.
And
then
going
up
the
next
day
and
slamming
his
locker
shut.
I
mean,
that's
completely
insane.
Well,
it's
completely
insane
to
keep
drinking
when
alcohol
reacts
the
way
it
does
in
me.
It's
completely
insane
for
me
to
keep
drinking.
But
I
don't
have
the
defense
that
keeps
me
from
being
able
to
stop
slamming
the
locker
show.
The
alcoholic
may
say
to
himself
in
the
most
casual
way,
it
won't
burn
me
this
time,
so
here's
how.
Or
perhaps
he
doesn't
think
at
all.
How
often
have
some
of
us
begun
to
drink
in
this
nonchalant
way,
and
after
the
third
of
the
fourth,
pounded
on
the
bar
and
said
to
ourselves,
for
God's
sake,
how
did
I
ever
get
started
again?
Only
to
have
that
thought
supplanted
by,
well,
I'll
stop
at
the
sixth
drink
or
what's
the
use
anyway.
This
happened
to
me
a
lot
of
times.
I
was
a
great
bar
pounded.
You
know
what
I
mean?
Um...
I
decided
after
six
months
of
sobriety
to
buy
a
gallon
of
vodka
and
go
home
and
drink
it.
And
once
I
started
getting
drunk
on
that
vodka,
I
realized
what
I
had
done.
So
when
was
I
insane?
When
I
was
drinking
the
vodka
or
before?
Our
book
says
we're
insane
before
we
pick
up
the
drink.
They're
not
talking
about
the
kind
of
insanity
where
you
run
around
naked
in
the
police
station,
you
know,
when
you're
drunk
out
of
your
mind.
That's
what
you're
supposed
to
do
when
you
drink
like
we
do.
You're
supposed
to
crash
cars
and
you're
supposed
to
get
in
fights
and
you're
supposed
to
wake
up
with
one
shoe.
That's
what
you're
supposed
to
do
when
you
drink
like
we
do.
The
insanity
comes
before
the
first
drink.
Why
the
hell
do
we
keep
drinking?
When
this
sort
of
thinking
is
fully
established
in
an
individual
with
alcoholic
tendencies,
he's
probably
placed
himself
beyond
human
aid
and
unless
locked
up
may
die
or
go
permanently
insane,
not
the
best
of
news.
These
stark
and
ugly
facts
have
been
confirmed
by
legions
of
alcoholics
throughout
history,
but
for
the
grace
of
God
there
would
have
been
thousands
more
convincing
demonstrations
So
many
want
to
stop,
but
they
cannot.
So
they've
painted
this
in
a
corner.
They've
just
told
us
we're
doomed.
You
know
what
I
mean?
If
you
really
fully
concede
your
innermost
self,
the
truth
of
these
pages,
you
realize
that
you
have
an
obsession
of
the
mind
that
will
force
you
to
pick
up
a
drink
against
your
will.
And
you
have
a
body
that's
so
sickened
by
alcohol
abuse
that
you
will
not
be
able
to
stop
drinking
and
it
will
ultimately
destroy
you.
So
it's
not
great
news.
You
cannot
move
into
step
two
feeling
good
about
yourself.
If
you
do
move
into
step
two
feeling
gleeful,
you've
missed
something.
You
need
to
go
bad
because
it's
not
the
greatest
thing.
But
there
is
a
solution.
Almost
none
of
us
have
liked
the
self-searching,
the
leveling
of
our
pride,
the
confession
of
shortcomings,
which
the
process
requires
for
its
successful
consummation.
Let's
just
consider
for
a
minute
that
that
sentence
means
exactly
what
it
says.
The
self-searching
would
be
the
fourth
step.
The
leveling
of
our
pride
would
be
the
fifth
step.
and
quite
possibly
the
eighth
and
the
ninth
step,
confession
of
our
shortcomings
of
this
step,
which
with
the
process
requires
for
its
successful
consummation.
It
says
these
steps
are
suggested
as
a
program
of
recovery.
That's
very,
very
misleading
because
throughout
the
rest
of
the
text,
it
says
things
like,
like
you're
quite
sure
to
drink
if
you
do
this
or
don't
do
this,
or
if
you
don't
do
this,
you
know,
it's
basically
it
requires
it
for
successful
consummation
of
our
spiritual
experience.
But
we
saw
that
it
really
worked
in
others,
and
we
had
come
to
believe
in
the
hopelessness
and
the
futility
of
life
as
we
had
been
living
it.
When,
therefore,
we
were
approached
by
those
in
whom
the
problem
had
been
solved,
the
people
who
had
worked
through
the
steps
and
are
now
12-stepping
us,
there
was
nothing
left
for
us
but
to
pick
up
the
kit
of
spiritual
tools
laid
at
our
feet.
We
found
much
of
heaven,
and
we
have
been
rocketed
into
a
fourth
dimension
of
existence,
of
which
we
have
not
even
dreamed.
And
that's
a
great
promise,
a
great
promise.
And
you'll
know
what
that
fourth
dimension
of
reality
is
once
you've
done
the
steps.
And
you
will
not
know
what
it
is
until
you
have.
The
great
fact
is
just
this
and
nothing
less
that
we
have
had
deep
and
effective
spiritual
experiences,
which
have
revolutionized
our
whole
attitude
toward
life
and
toward
our
fellows
and
toward
God's
universe.
A
complete
personality
change
at
death.
The
central
fact
of
our
lives
today
is
the
absolute
certainty
that
our
Creator
has
entered
into
our
hearts
and
lives
in
a
way
which
is
indeed
miraculous.
And
that's
the
conscious
contact.
He
has
commenced
to
accomplish
those
things
for
us
which
we
could
never
do
by
ourselves.
And
the
first
thing
he
did
with
me
was
he
removed
the
obsession
to
drink
alcohol.
long
enough
for
me
to
be
able
to
get
sober
and
start
the
recovery
process.
And
that
indeed
was
miraculous.
If
you
knew
how
I
drank
and
how
obsessed
I
was
with
it,
it
would
have
only
been
through
an
act
of
divine
providence
that
I
would
have
been
able
to
stop
drinking
for
the
period
of
time
that
I
did
so
I
could
slowly
sort
out
my
actions
to
the
point
of
arranging
my
actions
to
lead
to
some
type
of
recovery.
If
you
have
as
seriously
alcoholic
as
we
were,
we
believe
there
is
no
middle
of
the
road
solution.
We
were
in
a
position
where
life
was
becoming
impossible.
And
if
we
had
passed
into
the
region
from
which
there
is
no
return
through
human
aid,
we
had
but
two
alternatives.
This
is
great.
It
shows
us
a
fork
in
the
road.
It
doesn't
show
us...
a
roadmap
with
10
million
ways
to
get
to
Albuquerque.
It
really
just
shows
us
a
fork
in
the
road.
And
we
can
go
one
way
or
we
can
go
the
other.
And
I
believe
everyone
in
this
room
is
going
one
way
or
they're
going
the
other.
They're
either
going
toward
a
drink
or
they're
going
away
from
it.
It
says
one
was
to
go
on
to
the
bitter
end,
blotting
out
the
consciousness
of
our
intolerable
situation
as
best
we
could.
That
means
to
just
disregard
this
book,
don't
worry
about,
not
wanting
what
other
people
have
in
AA,
not
willing
to
go
to
any
lengths
to
get
it,
to
just
basically
just
want
to
stop
drinking,
but
not
be
willing
to
do
any
of
the
work.
And
the
other
is
to
accept
spiritual
health.
Accepting
spiritual
help
is
not
an
easy
thing
to
do.
It
was
very,
very
difficult
for
me.
I
had
to
have
what
is
known
in
the
way
as
a
bottom.
I
had
to
be
put
in
a
position
where
I
was
willing
to
do
whatever
needed
to
be
done
to
not
go
any
lower.
I
had
to
be
put
in
a
position
where
I
was
willing
to
take
advice
from
people
I
thought
that
were
stupider
than
me.
I
had
to
be
put
in
a
position
to
follow
examples
and
take
actions,
which
I
knew
in
my
heart
would
not
work
for
me
because
I
was
different.
I
had
to
be
desperate.
And
I'll
tell
you
what,
the
most
fun
people
in
the
world
to
work
with,
if
you're
sponsoring
or
doing
12-step
work,
the
best
people
in
the
world
to
work
with
are
the
desperate
ones.
They
are
an
absolute
joy
to
work
with.
And
they're
actually
in
a
better
position
to
be
helped
than
the
people
who
haven't
drank
as
much
as
they
have,
just
because
of
their
ability
to
be
more
willing.