Workshop about the preface, forewords, The Dr.'s Opinion and Bill's Story at the Spiritual Awakenings group in Bernardville, NJ
Thanks
for
coming
out.
This
meeting
is
getting
a
lot
of
support
lately.
Lately
that's
really
exciting,
at
least
for
me.
And
just
for
anybody
that
hasn't
been
here
before,
I'll
give
just
a
brief
background
on
on
how
this
meeting
came
to
be.
About
five
years
ago,
I
started
meeting
with,
with
my
sponsees
and
some
of
the
people
that
they
brought
along
in
at
my
house
to
go
through
the
big
book
and
to
basically
instruct
in
how
to
actually
take
the,
the
12th
steps
and
hopefully
to
create
the
enthusiasm
necessary
for
the,
for
the
individual
to
go
out
and,
and
actually
do
that.
And
it
stayed
in
my
house
for
about
3
1/2
years
or
so.
And,
and
then
the
pastor
at
this
church
who
had
heard
about
it
had
offered,
offered
the
room
here
for
that
purpose.
So
about
about
15
months
ago
or
so,
we
moved
in
here.
And
basically
what,
what
we
do
is
I
read
out
of
the
big
book
and
make
comments
20
to
40
minutes,
depending
on,
on
what
materials
involved
and
where
we
are
in
the
book.
And
then
we,
we
actually
go
through
the
room
and
everybody
gets
a
chance
to
share.
Now,
now
with
this
many
people,
it's,
I
would
take
a
guess
at
10:15
or
so,
this
meeting
is
going
to
be
over.
If
anybody
needs
to
leave,
you
know,
if
you
can't
stay
that
long,
please
go
ahead.
You're
not
going
to,
you're
not
going
to
annoy
anybody
by
leaving.
And
if
you
if
you
got
to
move
around
and
get
coffee,
you
know,
do
that
too.
I'm
going
to
start
by
reading
something
from
The
Language
of
the
Heart.
It's
a
book
written
about
Bill
Wilson's
Grapevine
writings,
and
in
this
paragraph
they're
talking
about
what
really
is
our
trouble.
It
says
we
have
since
found
that
the
awful
conditions
of
mind
and
body
invariably
bring
on
the
third
phase
of
our
malady.
This
is
the
sickening
of
the
spirit,
a
sickness
for
which
there
must
necessarily
be
a
spiritual
remedy.
We
recognize
this
in
the
1st
5
words
of
step
12
of
the
recovery
program.
Having
had
a
spiritual
awakening,
here
we
name
the
remedy
for
our
three
fold
sickness
of
body,
mind
and
soul.
Here
we
declare
the
necessity
for
that
all
important
spiritual
awakening.
So
actually
the
treatment
for
alcoholism
and
the
and
the
unmanageability
of
life
most
of
most,
if
not
all
of
our
problems
is
a
spiritual
awakening.
Through
my
experience
in
a
A
and
my
experience
working
with
others,
and
I've
worked
with
a
lot
of
others
over
the
years,
I
found
that
the
strict
adherence
of
the
instructions
in
the
Big
Book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
brings
on
spiritual
change
in
the
individual
that
follows
it
to
such
a
degree
that
they
are
they're
really
reborn
in
a
way.
In
my
own
experience,
I'm
no,
I'm
no
longer
the
person
I
was
when
I
walked
through
the
doors
of
AAI
could
no
more
sit
here
and
talk
like
this
when
I
first
came
in
the
meetings.
Then
then
you
know,
I'd
have
to
commit
suicide.
I
just
wouldn't
have
been
able
to
do
it.
I'm
no
longer
the
person
I
was
when
I
came
in
here.
I've
had
a
spiritual
awakening.
I'm
not
even
the
type
of
person
I
would
have
liked
when
I
walked
into
AI
and
that
that
has
not
come
about
by
sitting
in
a,
a
meetings
forever
and
ever
and
ever.
I
I've
worked
with
a
lot
of
people
who
balk
at
the
steps
and
expect
attendance
at
AA
meetings
to
fix
all
their
problems
and
a
a
activity
which
is
making
coffee
or,
you
know,
going
to
the
diner
or
whatever
that
can,
that
can,
that
can
achieve
sobriety
for
certain
lengths
of
time
with
people.
But
the
spiritual
change
that
they
were
talking
about
in
this
paragraph,
the
only
way
I've
seen
it
manifest
is
through
the
practice
of
spiritual
principles
like
our
12
steps.
And
that
really
changes
us
fundamentally
at
depth.
And
we
recover
from
alcoholism
and
we're
given
a
new
power
to
solve
our
problems.
A
a
number
of
people
are
new
to
this
meeting.
So
with
some
help
with
some
other
people,
I've
made
the
decision
that
rather
than
keep
on
going
with
with
the
four
practice
the
principles
chapters,
which
would
have
taken
another
six
weeks,
probably,
you
know,
the
chapter
to
wives,
a
vision
for
you
and
all
that.
We're
going
to
start
tonight
back
on
the
very,
very
beginning
of
the
book.
And,
and
with
that,
I'm
going
to
start
at
the
preface.
I
really
wish
they
didn't
number
these
Roman
numerals.
Somewhere
in
the
50s,
some
printer
got
the
idea
that
it
will
be
a
good
idea
to,
to,
to
do
the
doctor's
opinion
and
the
practices
and
everything
in
Roman
numerals.
I
think
that
that
was
a
bad
idea.
But
anyway,
the
second
paragraph
in
the
preface.
Because
this
book
has
become
the
basic
text
of
our
society
and
has
helped
such
large
numbers,
numbers
of
alcoholic
men
and
women,
to
recovery,
there
exists
a
sentiment
against
any
radical
changes
being
made
in
it.
Therefore,
the
first
portion
of
this
volume
describing
the
A
a
recovery
program,
that's
the
1st
164
pages,
has
been
left
untouched.
In
the
course
of
revisions
made
for
both
the
2nd
and
3rd
editions,
the
session
called
The
Doctor's
Opinion
has
been
kept
intact
just
as
it
was
originally
written
in
30
by
the
late
William
D
Silk
Worth
our
society's
great
medical
benefactor
really
change
they
made
in
that
is
they
put
the
guy's
name
when
the
when
the
1st
edition
of
the
book
was
published,
he
didn't
want
to
sign
it
because
it
was
the
Doctor's
opinion
and
and
that
he
didn't
want
to
get
laughed
out
of
his
profession
by
some
of
the
other
people.
The
the
great
thing
is,
is
that
many
of
his
opinions
have
been
proven
fact.
Just
recently
there
was
an
article
or
something
by
a,
by
a
physician
or
physicians
who
said,
you
know,
everything
Doctor
Silkworth
said
is
basically
right
on
the
money.
So
we're
lucky
there.
But
they
have
not
changed
the
1st
164
pages.
I'm
very
glad
of
that
fact.
Even
to
change
the
sexist
writings
and,
and
the
antiquated
vernicular,
you
know,
like
our
little
wifey's
and
things
like
that.
You
know,
they,
they
made
the
decision
not
even
to
change
that
garbage
because
to,
to,
to,
to
set
that
precedent
could
open
the
door
for
future
revisions.
And
it
works
just
fine.
You
know
what
I
mean?
Alcoholism
has
not
changed
at
all
since
the
publication
of
this
book,
and
the
treatment
for
it
hasn't
changed
either.
The
2nd
edition
added
the
appendices,
the
12th
traditions,
and
the
and
the
directions
for
getting
in
in
touch
with
a
A
But
the
chief
change
was
in
personal
stories.
They,
they'll
change
the
personal
stories
in
each
edition
to
more
or
less
allow
us
to
identify
Eaton,
uh,
more
easily.
A
4th
edition
is,
uh,
is
going
to
press
soon
and
they've
solicited
a
A
for
stories
and
they're,
they're
most
likely
going
to
more,
more
adequately
define
the
alcoholic
of
the
90s,
if
there
is
such
a
thing
to
allow
us
to,
to
be
able
to
identify
better.
I
just
can't
wait
myself
forward
to
the
1st
edition.
Those
with
workbooks
are
not
going
to
be
able
to
follow
this.
It's
one
thing
I
wish
they
didn't
do
with
the
workbook
edition.
Was
was.
What's
that?
It's
in
the
workbook.
The
1st,
The
1st
edition.
Yeah,
the
first
editions
in
here.
Oh,
I'm
sorry.
Second
edition
and
the
3rd
edition.
My
mistake.
Right?
This
is
the
first
edition.
We
have.
Alcoholics
Anonymous
are
more
than
100
men
and
women
who
have
recovered
from
a
seemingly
hopeless
state
of
mind
and
body.
There's
our
first
promise.
It
says
recovered.
It
does
not
say
recovering.
It
does
not
say
slowly
recovering.
That
does
not
say
never
recovering.
It
says
recovered.
The
people
who
put
this
book
together
were
were
actively
involved
in
the
the
spiritual
principles
of
the
Oxford
Group.
And
one
of
the
things
that
happens
today
in
a
a
is
you
can
come
to
the
fellowship
and
not
be
exposed
to
recovery.
What
happened
in
the
early
days
was
you
were
you
were
exposed
to
recovery
or
you
were
not
brought
to
the
fellowship
And
many
of
the
in
many
of
the
groups
and
early
groups,
they
didn't
think
you
were
serious.
They
didn't
think
you
had
an
honest
desire
to
stop
drinking
until
you
had
you
had
made
some
real
big
inroads
into
the
steps.
As
a
matter
of
fact,
you
read
some
of
our
earlier
history.
You'll
see
that
people
were
going
through
the
steps
in
a
matter
of
days
and
you
still
hear
crease,
hear
crazy
things
today
in
a,
a
like
do
a
step
a
year
or
you'll
know
when
it's
time.
You
hear
all
this
stuff.
And
like
we
say
earlier
in
this
meeting,
it's
saying
this
stuff
is
not
an
indictment
in
anybody's
program
or,
or
their
recovery
or
how
they
got
sober
because
no
one
among
us
has
been
able
to
maintain
anything
like
perfect
adherence
to
these
principles.
But
what
we
do
in
this
meeting
is
we
talk
about
the
big
book,
big
book
recovery.
And
there's
a
lot
of
things
in
the
fellowship
of
AA
that
go
at
odds
with
big
book
recovery.
And
I'm
not
afraid
to
mention
some
of
them.
And
I
don't
do
that
to
hurt
anybody's
feelings.
You
know,
some
of
us
have
had
sponsors
in
the
past
who
who've
said
many
of
these
things
and
you
know,
that's
all
well
and
fine
as
as
long
as
you
want
to
live,
it's
OK.
To
show
other
Alcoholics
precisely
how
we
have
recovered
is
the
main
purpose
of
this
book.
Precisely
how
we
have
recovered
is
in
squiggly
font.
That's
important.
There
was
a
lot
of
things
that
they
tried
early
on
in
a
A
and
it
didn't
promote
recovery.
Like
like
like
cut
back
on
your
meetings,
stop
working
with
others
and
chase
all
the
newcomers
around.
They
did
it,
but
it
didn't
work,
so
they
didn't
put
it
in
the
book.
They
put
the
things
that
worked
with
recovery
in
the
book
for
them.
We
hope
these
pages
will
prove
so
convincing
that
no
further
authentication
will
be
necessary.
We
think
this
account
of
our
experiences
will
help
everyone
better
to
understand
the
alcoholic.
Many
did
not
comprehend
that
the
alcoholic
is
a
very
sick
person,
and
besides,
we're
sure
that
our
way
of
living
has
its
advantages
for
all.
The
idea
that
the
alcoholic
was
a
very
sick
person
was
not
a
popular
idea
back
then.
There
were
things
like
temperance
societies
and
where
you
would
sign
a
pledge.
And
what
we
know
about
alcoholism
today
is
a
pledge
to
not
drink.
That's
like
trying
to
stop
a
semi
with
a
cobweb.
You
know
what
I
mean?
How
many
pledges
have
we
made?
So
they,
they
really
didn't
understand
that
it
was
a
disease.
They,
they
thought
that
it
was
morally
corrupt
people.
So
it's
important
that
we
remain
anonymous
because
we're
too
few
at
present
to
handle
the
overwhelming
number
of
personal
appeals
which
could
result
from
this
publication.
Being
mostly
business
or
professional
folk,
we
could
not
well
carry
on
our
occupations
in
such
an
event.
There's
a,
there's
a
lot
of
lies
in
the
big
book
too.
And
I'm
not
afraid
to,
I'm
not
afraid
to
point
them
out
either.
We're,
we're
mostly
business
or
professional
folks.
I
think
one
person
worked
in
the
whole
New
York
group
when
this
book
was
published.
One
guy
had
a
car
and
one
guy
worked,
you
know,
the
rest
of
them
were
were
in
transition.
We
would
like
it
all
understood
that
our
alcoholic
work
is
an
avocation
and
avocations
like
a
hobby
or
something
you
do
because
you
enjoy
it,
something
that's
for
free
and
for
fun.
When
writing
or
speaking
publicly
about
alcoholism,
we
urge
each
of
our
fellowship
to
admit
his
personal
name,
designating
himself
instead
of
member
of
Alcoholics
anonymously.
We
very
airlessly
ask
the
press
also
to
observe
this
request,
but
otherwise
we
shall
be
greatly
handicapped.
The
press
doesn't
care
much
anymore,
but
up
until
up
until,
you
know,
the
president
present
decade,
they
really
were
all
under
under
the
guidance
of
not
to
break
people's
anonymity.
People's
anonymity
get
broken
all
the
time
today
in
the
press,
if
it's
if
it's
a
good
story,
they
really
don't
give
a
damn
about
our
principal
of
anonymity.
So
we
really
have
to
be
on
guard
against
it.
We're
not
an
organization
in
the
conventional
sense
of
the
word.
And
no
dues
or
fees
whatever.
The
only
requirement
for
membership
is
an
honest
desire
to
stop
drinking.
We're
not
allowed
with
any
particular
faith,
sect,
denomination,
nor
do
we
oppose
anyone.
We
simply
wish
to
be
helpful
to
those
who
are
reflected.
This
is
the
forward
to
the
1st
edition
and
he's
already
he's
already
chipped
out
in
his
mind
the
idea
of
our
traditions.
This
is
this
is
a
basic
skeleton
form
of
a
lot
of
our
traditions.
Bill
Wilson
was
one
of
the
most
far
seeing
men
that
that
I've
ever
encountered
in
my
life.
He
was
thinking
20
years
ahead
of
the
people
around
him
in
the
fellowship
after
he'd
hammered
out
the
traditions,
he
was
working
on
the
concepts
of
World
Service.
And
it
took
a,
a,
you
know,
a
number
of
years
to
catch
up
to
that.
It's
just
amazing
when
you
look
at
this
stuff.
It's
amazing
to
me
also
that
he
had
half
the
sobriety
I
have
when
he,
he
put
together
the
architecture
for
this
whole
thing.
And
I've
been
studying
this
book
for
about
8
years
now
and
I,
every
time
I
go
through
it,
I
come
across
things
that
it's
a
new
revelation
to
me.
You
know
what
I
mean?
Just
an
amazing
thing.
We
shall
be
interested
to
hear
from
those
who
are
getting
results
from
this
book,
particularly
from
those
who've
commenced
work
with
other
Alcoholics.
We
should
like
to
be
helpful
to
such
cases
and
the
inquiry
Inquiry
is
welcome.
This
is
the
4th
to
the
2nd
edition,
which
is
probably
not
in
the
workbook.
Since
the
original
forward
to
this
book
was
written
in
1939,
a
wholesale
miracle
has
taken
place.
Our
earliest
printing
voice
to
hope
that
every
alcoholic
who
journeys
will
find
the
fellowship
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
at
his
destination,
already
continues
the
early
text.
2
threes
and
five
sprung
up
in
other
communities.
16
years
have
elapsed
between
our
first
printing
this
book
in
the
presentation
in
1955
of
our
second
edition.
In
that
brief
space,
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
mushroomed
into
nearly
6000
groups
whose
membership
is
far
above
150,000
recovered
Alcoholics
groups
that
we
found
in
each
of
the
United
States
and
all
of
the
provinces
of
Canada
as
flourishing
communities
in
the
British
Isles
all
over
the
place,
Full
told.
Promising
beginnings
have
been
made
in
some
50
foreign
countries
in
US
possessions
of
many
of
our
friends
encouraged
us
by
saying
that
this
is
but
a
beginning
only
the
augury
of
a
much
larger
future
ahead.
The
sparkle
was
the
flare
into
the
first
a
A
group
was
struck
in
Akron,
OH
in
June
1935
during
a
talk
between
a
New
York
stockbroker
and
an
Akron
physician.
6
months
earlier,
the
Broker
had
been
relieved
of
his
drink
obsession
by
a
sudden
spiritual
experience
following
a
meeting
with
an
alcoholic
friend
who
had
been
in
contact
with
the
Oxford
group
of
that
day.
He
had
also
been
greatly
helped
by
the
late
Doctor
William
D
Silkwork,
the
New
York
specialist
and
alcoholism,
who
has
now
counted
no
less
than
a
medical
St.
by
a
members
whose
story
of
the
early
days
of
our
society
appears
in
the
next
pages.
From
this
doctor
the
Broker
learned
the
grave
nature
of
alcoholism.
He
learned
the
problem.
What
is
the
problem?
Why
can't
I
stop
drinking?
Though
he
could
not
accept
all
the
tenants
of
the
Oxford
Group,
he
was
convinced
that
the
need
for
moral
inventory,
confession
of
personality
defects,
restitution
to
those
armed,
helpful
to
the
helpfulness
to
others,
and
the
necessity
of
belief
and
independence
upon
God,
That's
how
he
got
the
solution.
So
the
problem,
the
solution
were
laid
out
for
him,
and
then
he
had
a
spiritual
awakening.
Prior
to
his
journey
to
Akron,
the
broker
had
worked
hard
with
many
Alcoholics
on
the
theory
that
only
an
alcoholic
could
help
an
alcoholic,
but
he
had
succeeded
only
in
keeping
himself
sober.
The
broker
had
gone
to
Akron
on
a
business
venture
which
had
collapsed,
leaving
him
greatly
in
fear
that
he
might
start
drinking
again.
He
suddenly
realized
that
in
order
to
save
himself,
he
must
carry
his
message
to
another
alcoholic.
That
alcoholic
turned
out
to
be
the
Akron
physician.
That's
every.
I
think
everybody
here,
everybody
here
should
know
the
story
of
Bill
and
Doctor
Bob's
eventful
meeting
in
Akron
back
then.
One
of
the
amazing
things
is,
is
that
we're
here
by
seconds
and
inches,
you
know
what
I
mean?
The
the
story
I
heard
was
that
he
had
a
pocket
full
of
nickels
and
he
went
up
to
this
church
directory
and
he
was,
he
was
going
to
call
all
these
church,
church
directory
people.
It
was
like
10
of
them
on
this
list
and
try
to
ask
them
if
they
could
put
them
in
touch
with
an
alcoholic.
And
the
first
nine
people
he
called,
you
know,
he
how
he
approached
it
was
I'm
a
rummy
from
New
York
and
I'm
looking
to
talk
to
another
rummy,
you
know.
And
the
next
thing
he
heard
probably
was
click.
But
what
happened
was
he
got
a
hold
of
this,
this
guy
Walter
Tunks,
who
had
been,
who
had
been
exposed
to
the
Oxford
Group,
which
he
was
in
the
Oxford
Group
at
that
time.
And
being
exposed
to
the
Oxford
Group,
there
was
a
little
bit
of
the
connection
there
about
what
he
was
trying
to
do.
So
he
put
him
in
touch
with
Henrietta
Cyberlaying
and
you
know
it
all,
It
all
worked
out
that
that
he
got
in
touch
with
Doctor
Bob,
who
had
been
in
the
Oxford
Group
longer
than
he
had.
And
they'll
talk
about
it
here.
The
physician
had
repeatedly
tried
spiritual
means
to
resolve
his
alcoholic
dilemma,
but
it
failed.
So
he
was
going
to
church.
He
was
involved
in
the
Oxford
Group,
but
he
was
not
able
to
maintain
any
sobriety.
But
when
the
broker
gave
him
Doctor
Silkworth's
description
of
alcoholism
and
its
hopefulness,
hopelessness,
the
physician
began
to
pursue
the
spiritual
remedy
for
his
malady
with
a
willingness
he
had
never
before
been
able
to
muster.
Hopefully
what
we're
going
to
do,
going
through
this
book
and
explaining
the
first
step
is
to
allow
everybody
else
here
to
understand
the
hopelessness
to
a
point
where
you
will
pursue
the
spiritual
remedy
like
the
drowning
will
see
the
life
sees
a
life
preserver.
To
truly
understand
the
first
step,
it's
like
Gerald
Custer,
there's
more
Indians
coming.
You
know
what
I
mean?
It's
like
you're
dead.
The
first
step
says
you're
dead.
It
says
that
once
you
start
drinking,
you
have
no
control
over
how
it's
going
to
where
it's
going
to
take
you
and
it's
going
to
ultimately
destroy
your
body.
And
your
mind
tells
you
that
you
can't
not
drink.
You
are
powerless
over
picking
up
the
first
drink.
So
after
he
explained
this
to
Doctor
Bob,
Doctor
Bob
said,
where
do
I
sign
up?
And
that's
one
of
the
things
we
hope
to
do
here
in
this
meeting
to
generate
some
enthusiasm
to
get
people
to
actually
take
the
12
steps.
Because
somewhere
in
AAA,
I
think
it
was
in
the
50s
or
60s,
it
became
OK
to
come
into
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
not
take
the
steps.
It
became
OK
to
sit
in
the
back
row
and
suffer
for
years
and
years
and
years
and,
and,
and
dying
alcoholic
death,
either
sober
or,
or
drinking.
And
that
is
truly
a
shame.
I
I
think
that's
truly
a
shame.
He
sobered
up
never
to
drink
again
up
to
the
moment
of
his
death
in
1950.
This
seemed
to
prove
that
one
alcoholic
could
affect
another
is
no
other
alcoholic
could.
It
also
indicated
that
strenuous
work,
one
alcoholic
with
another
was
vital
to
permanent
recovery.
Underline
vital.
Hence,
the
two
men
set
to
work
almost
frantically
upon
Alcoholics
arriving
in
the
ward
of
Akron
City
Hospital.
Their
very
first
case,
a
desperate
one,
recovered
immediately
and
became
a
a
#3.
That's
another
lie.
It
was
actually
their
second
person
that
they
tried.
They
tried
this
one
guy,
Ernie,
who
he
was
a
real
PIP.
What
did
he
what
did
he
do
is
his
parents
were
actually
very,
very
influential
in
in
bringing
spirituality
into
the
program
at
the
time.
They
were
the
ones
that
distributed
the
upper
room.
It
was
a
Methodist
periodical
that
that
people
used
for
morning
meditation
at
that
time.
Anyway,
this
guy
was
Bill
Dotson.
He
was
an
attorney
and
he
had
blackened
a
couple
nurses
eyes
and
he
was
in
a
straitjacket
and
they
brought
this
the
solution
to
him.
And
you
know,
he
went
for
it.
And
I
think
he,
he
actually
ended
a
political
race
a
couple
of
weeks
later
after
he
had
recovered
and
he
almost
won.
So,
so,
you
know,
if
they
say
no
major
changes
in
the
first
year,
that's,
that's
a,
that's
a
fellowship
suggestion
that
came
from
treatment
facilities
or
some
shit,
Not
that
I
judge.
I
had
never
had
another
drink.
This
work
at
Akron
continues
through
the
summer
of
35.
There
were
many
failures,
but
there
was
an
occasional
heartening
success.
When
the
broker
returned
to
New
York
in
the
fall
of
35,
the
1st
a
a
group
had
actually
been
formed,
though
no
one
realized
at
the
time.
By
late
37,
the
number
of
of
members
having
substantial
sobriety
time
behind
them
with
seversion
to
convince
the
membership
that
a
new
light
had
entered
The
Dark
World
of
the
alcohol.
They
were
still
ironing
out
a
lot
of
the
things
and
they
were
still
losing
a
lot
of
people.
But
there
was
something
like
40
people
who
had
a
year
sober
or
more,
you
know,
so
that's
amazing.
Second
group
had
probably
taken
shape
in
New
York.
And
besides,
there
was
scattered
Alcoholics
who
picked
up
the
basic
ideas
in
Akron
or
New
York,
and
we're
trying
to
form
a
A
groups
in
other
cities,
New
Jersey
and
Cleveland.
There
there
was
different
things
going
on.
It
was
now
time
the
struggling
group
sought
to
place
their
message
and
unique
experience
before
the
world.
This
determination
bore
fruit
in
the
spring
of
39.
With
the
publication
of
this
volume,
the
membership
had
been
reached
about
100
men
and
women.
It
says
about,
I
think
it
was
in
the
80s
and
there
was
one
woman,
Florence
Rankin,
I
believe
her
name
was.
She
was
promptly
to
to
get
drunk
before
the
publication,
but
it
was
upon
her
insistence
that
it
was
not
not
titled
100
men.
The
fledgling
society
which
had
been
nameless
now
began
to
be
called
Alcoholics
Anonymous
from
the
title
of
its
own
book.
The
flying
Blind
period
ended
and
a
a
entered
a
new
phase
of
its
pioneering
time.
With
the
appearance
of
this
book,
a
great
deal
began
to
happen.
They
talk
about
the
Fosnic
article.
They,
they,
they
talk
about
Rockefeller
going
to
Rockefeller
for
money.
Bill
Wilson
was,
was,
he
was
a
hell
of
a
promoter.
And
thank
God
he
was,
because
that's
why
we're
here.
But
when
he
wanted
money,
he
went
to
Rockefeller.
You
know,
when
he
wanted
psychiatric
advice,
he
went
to
Young.
I
mean,
he
didn't,
he
didn't
mess
around.
XIX
second
paragraph.
Now,
as
we
discovered
the
principles
by
which
the
individual
alcoholic
could
live,
so
we
had
to
evolve
principles
by
which
the
AA
groups
and
AA
as
a
whole
could
survive
in
a
function
function
effectively.
That's
the
12
spiritual
principles
of
the
traditions
and
the
12
spiritual
principles
of
the
concepts
for
World
Service.
No
alcoholic
man
or
woman
could
be
excluded
from
our
society.
That
our
leaders
might
serve
but
never
govern.
That
each
group
was
to
be
autonomous
and
there
was
to
be
no
professional
class
of
therapy.
There
would
be
no
fees
or
dues.
Our
expenses
were
to
be
met
by
our
own
voluntary
contributions.
There
was
to
be
the
least
possible
organization.
Thank
God
for
that.
Even
in
our
service
centers,
our
public
relations
were
to
be
based
upon
traction
rather
than
promotion.
Our
public
relations.
There's
another
thing
that
you
hear
in
the
fellowship.
Well,
I
don't
go
seeking
out
other
Alcoholics
because
it's
not
promotion
they've
got.
They've
got
our
public
relations
policy
confused
with
our
12
step
work,
our
12
step
work
where
we
are
actively
to
pursue
other
still
suffering
Alcoholics.
The
people
that
sit
in
meetings
and
say
they
got
to
come
to
me
or
people
that
are
just
too
lazy
to
do
12
step
work
or
else
they
completely
misunderstand
our
public
relations
policy.
Who's
decided
that
all
members
ought
to
be
anonymous
at
the
level
of
press,
radio,
TV
and
films?
And
in
those
circumstances,
should
we
give
endorsements,
make
alliances,
or
enter
public
controversies?
This
is
a
substance
of
a
as
12th
traditions
which
are
stated
in
full
on
page
564
of
this
book.
They
talk
a
little
bit
more
about
about
some
of
our
traditions.
The
bottom
of
page
XX
alcohol
being
no
respecter
of
persons.
We're
an
accurate
cross
section
of
America
and
in
distant
lands
the
same
democratic
evening
up
process
is
now
going
on.
By
personal
religious
affiliations.
We
include
Catholic,
Protestant,
Jews,
Hindus
and
sprinkling
of
Muslims
and
Buddhists.
More
than
15%
of
us
are
women.
I
think
that's
it's
up
in
the
high
40s
now.
At
present
our
membership
is
increasing
at
the
rate
of
about
7%
a
year.
So
far,
the
total
problem
of
7
million,
several
million
actual
and
potential
Alcoholics
in
the
world,
we've
made
only
a
scratch
and
all
probability
we
shall
never
be
able
to
touch
more
than
a
fair
fraction
of
the
alcoholic
problem
and
all
its
ramifications
upon
therapy
for
the
alcoholic
himself.
We
sure,
surely
have
no
monopoly.
Yet
it
is
our
great
hope
that
all
those
who
have
as
yet
found
no
answer
may
begin
to
find
one
on
the
pages
of
this
book
and
will
presently
join
us
on
a
High
Road
to
a
new
freedom.
No,
we
have
a
lot
of
people
here.
Tonight.
I'm
going
to
stop
at
the
doctor's
opinion.
I
do
want
to
say
though,
that
one
thing
that
Bears
Bears
mentioned
is
the
amount
of
success
that
they
had
in
early,
early
A,
A
in
early
a
A,
there
was
a,
there
was
a
huge
percentage
of
people
that
achieved
permanent
recovery.
As
far
as
how
many
people
walked
in
and
tried
the
A,
a
program
today,
at
best,
I've
heard
8%
of
the
people
that
walk
through
the
doors
of
a
A
get
something
like
a
year
sober.
And
you
can
tell,
you
can
tell
what
our
success
rate
is
by
how
many
chips
the
group
buys.
Our
group
will
buy
1090
day
chips,
eight
one
year
chips,
and
every
once
in
a
while
buy
a
20
year
check.
You
know
what
I
mean?
That
really
says
something.
In
the
early
days,
there
was,
there
was
a
huge
amount
of
recovery.
I
believe
that
because
it
was,
it
was
always
Bill
Wilson's
fear
that
a
A
was
going
to
be
watered
down.
A
lot
of
them
were
all
always
afraid
that
a
A
would
be
watered
down.
And
today
you,
you
can
come
into
a
A
and
find
people
that
have
never
gotten
involved
in
the
Big
Book,
have
never
become
involved
in
service
and
who
can
remain
in
meetings
for
periods
of
time,
but
disappear,
maybe
to
drink
again,
maybe
to
die
in
alcoholic
death
through
resentment,
depression,
uneasiness,
uncomfortableness,
all
the
signs
of
untreated
alcoholism.
But
somewhere
along
the
line,
when
it
became
okay
not
to
become
involved
in
the
recovery
program,
I
believe
that's
when
we
started
to
dip
down
into
the,
into
the
single
digit
percentiles
as
far
as
recovery
rate
is
concerned.
And
it's
really
a
shame.
And
I
believe
that
there's
a,
there's
a
renaissance
going
on
now
in
the
last
few
years
in
AAA.
And
there's
some
people
that
are
in
this
room
that
I
know
are
involved
in
that,
that
are
swinging
back
to
the
principles
that
proved
so
effective
in
the
early
days
of
a
A
and
are
trying
to
bring
that
back
into
the
fellowship.
And
I
think
that's
probably
the
greatest
thing
that
can
happen
because
more
people
will
survive.
How
many
people
have
we
lost
in
the
last
20
years
because
nobody
put
a
big
book
in
front
of
them?
You
know
how
many
people
thought
a
A
was
just
sitting
in
a
chair
and,
and
I
think
that
that's
really
changing
and
I'm
glad
that
that
is
also
it's,
I've
found
out
from
the
powers
that
be
because
of
the
amount
of
attendance
at
this
meeting
after
June,
we're
going
to
be
moving
up
to
the
great
room
upstairs.
So
we'll
have
a
little
bit
more
room.
So
we're
going
to
we're
going
to
make
due.
Until
then,
everybody
need
help
setting
up
chairs.
Anyway,
we
started
the
very,
very
beginning
on
the
title
page
last
week.
Basically
we
went
through
the
preface
and
some
of
the
forwards,
which
is
just
basically
some
information
about
what
AAA
is.
Tonight
we're
gonna
we're
gonna
go
to
the
Doctor's
Opinion
in,
in
the
1st
edition
of
the
Doctor's
Opinion.
Doctor
Silkworth
did
not
sign
it.
One
of
the
interesting
things
about
it
was,
is
that
he
was,
he
was
a
a
physician,
a
chief
physician
at
basically
a
drug
and
alcohol
hospital
back
in
this
time.
He
had
treated
many,
many
thousands
of
patients
before
he
was
asked
to
write
this
letter.
And
one
of
the
amazing
things
is,
is
he's
basically
going
to
tell
us
in
his
opinion
that
he
can't
do
anything
for
us,
that
the
the
medical
fraternity
is
really
powerless
over
achieving
recoveries
in
the
Alcoholics
of
our
type.
And
he's
going
to,
in
this,
he's
going
to
recommend
that
you
listen
to
a
couple
of
people
who
have
had
what
he
believed
at
that
time
was
religious
conversion
experiences.
You
know,
it
would
be
like,
it
would
be
like
going
going
to
a
brokerage
firm
and
have
having
the
chief
broker
say,
don't
listen
to
us.
There's
a
guy
down
the
street
flipping
coins
who's
had
better
success
at
investing
people's
money
than
us.
I
mean,
you
know,
it's
the
same
type
of
thing.
It's,
it's
amazing
that
somebody
would
put
their
career
kind
of
on
the
line
by
saying
that
they
can't
do
anything
and
a
couple
of
religious
fanatics
can.
So
would
he
have
written
that
down
if
he
didn't
believe
that
it
was
very,
very
important
to
get
that
that
information
across?
I
don't
think
so.
Anyway,
we'll
start
at
page
20.
I
I
hate
that
they
they
do
the
Roman
numerals.
That
really
pisses
me
off.
What
what
I
heard
was
it
was
a
printer's
error
in
the
50s.
No
one
ever
gave
them
permission
to
change
the
Roman
numerals.
A
printing
company
decided
that
it
would
be
a
good
idea
and
nobody
really
noticed.
And
no
and
and
we
can't
change
the
big
book
now
it's
it's
almost
impossible
to
vote
in
big
book
changes.
So
we're
pretty
much
stuck
with
some
printers
error
from
the
50s.
And
it
pisses
me
off
because
I
have
to
go
XXVVIVX
and
nobody
knows
what
the
hell
I'm
talking
about.
Multiplication,
but
not
that
I
judge
the
doctor's
opinion.
We
have
Alcoholics
Anonymous
believe
that
the
reader
will
be
interested
in
the
medical
estimate
of
the
plan
of
recovery
described
in
this
book.
Uh,
they
put
this
in
the
front
because
in
Alcoholics
a
lot
of
times
don't
believe
everything
that
they
hear.
We're,
we're
kind
of
skeptical
people.
So
they
figure
by
putting
a
doctor's
opinion
in
the
very
beginning
that
will
get
our
attention.
Convincing
testimony.
Most
most
surely
come
from
the
medical
men
who
have
had
experience
with
the
sufferings
of
our
members
and
have
witnessed
our
return
to
health.
A
well
known
doctor,
chief
physician
and
a
nationally
prominent
hospital
in
alcohol
and
drug
addiction
gave
Alcoholics
Anonymous
this
letter
to
whom
it
may
concern.
I
have
specialized
in
the
treatment
of
alcoholism
for
many
years.
In
late
34I
attended
a
patient
who,
though
he
had
been
a
competent
businessman
of
good
earning
capacity,
was
an
alcoholic
of
the
type
I
had
come
to
regard
as
hopeless.
So
there
is
a
type
of
alcoholic
that
the
medical
fraternity
regards
as
hopeless.
In
the
course
of
his
third
treatment,
he
acquired
certain
ideas
concerning
a
possible
means
of
recovery.
As
part
of
his
rehabilitation,
he
commenced
to
present
his
conceptions
to
other
Alcoholics
and
pressing
upon
them
that
they
must
do
likewise
was
still
others.
Basically
this
is
what
Evie
Thatcher
came
and
told
him
that
he
had
got
religion.
He
had
turned
his
will
in
his
life
over
to
Jesus
in
the
Oxford
group.
So
Bill
Wilson
starts
running
around
telling
everybody
that
you
have
to
turn
your
will
and
your
life
over
to
Jesus
is
what
he
was
doing
at
this
time.
He
later,
they
later
took
a
lot
of
the
Jesus
terminology
out
of
the
book,
basically
to
open
the
door
a
little
wire.
Because
I
don't
know
about
anybody
else.
But
if
you
were
to
come
up
to
me
when
I
was
brand
new
and
and
shaking
myself
sober
and
said
your
answer
is
Jesus,
I
would
have
said
no,
I
don't
think
so.
It
couldn't
possibly
be.
I
guess
I'll
have
to
go
and
die.
So,
so
by
opening
the
door,
they,
they,
they
saved
my
ass.
I'll
tell
you
because,
because
I
had
some,
I
had
some
real
prejudices
against,
against
the
people
who
were
who
were
pushing
Jesus.
I
saw
them
on
the
TV
taking
widows
pension
money
and
stuff
and
I
wasn't
real
happy
with
them.
I
thought
they
were
hypocritical.
I've,
I've
since
been
able
to
put
aside
those
prejudices
though,
thank
thank
goodness,
most
of
them
at
least
this
has
become
this
has
become
the
basis
of
a
rapidly
growing
fellowship
of
these
men
and
their
families.
This
man
and
over
100
others
appear
to
have
recovered
Ed.
I
personally
know
scores
of
cases
who
were
the
type
with
whom
other
methods
failed
completely.
His
methods
methods.
These
facts
appear
to
be
of
the
extreme
medical
importance.
Because
of
the
extraordinary
possibility
of
rapid
growth
inherent
in
this
group.
They
may
mark
a
new
epoch
in
the
annals
of
alcoholism.
These
men
may
well
have
a
remedy
for
thousands
of
such
situations.
You
may
rely
absolutely
on
anything
they
say
about
themselves.
So
he
got
to
know
some
of
the
1st
100
enough
to
know
that
they're
not
full
of
shit,
that
something
really
is
actually
going
on.
And
it
says
yours
truly,
William
D
Silkworth.
And
it
did
not
say
that.
I
think
it
said
XXXXX
or
something.
What
did
it
say
in
the
first,
like
line,
blank
line?
OK.
I
always
got
the
I
always
got
the
impression
that
this
wasn't
a
letter
good
enough
for
Bill
Wilson.
It
didn't
really
say
the
things
that
he
wanted
the,
the
medical
fraternity
to
express
to
us.
So
I
always
get
the
feeling.
And
he
went
back
to
Silkworth
and
said,
come
on,
give
me
a
give
me
a
better
letter
than
that
for
God's
sake,
because
it
says
here
the
physician
who
at
our
request
gave
us
this
letter
has
been
kind
enough
to
enlarge
upon
his
views
in
another
statement
which
follows.
In
this
statement
he
confirms
what
we
who
have
suffered
alcoholic
torture
must
believe
that
the
body
of
the
alcoholic
is
quite
as
abnormal
as
his
mind.
It
did
not
satisfy
us
to
be
told
that
we
could
not
control
our
drinking
just
because
we
were
maladjusted
to
life
and
that
we
were
in
full
flight
from
reality
or
we're
out
might
right
mental
defectives.
These
things
were
true
to
some
extent,
in
fact
to
a
considerable
extent
with
some
of
us,
and
you
all
know
who
you
are,
but
we
are
sure
that
our
bodies
were
sickened
as
well.
In
our
belief,
any
picture
of
the
alcoholic
which
leaves
out
this
physical
is
incomplete.
And
back
then
this
was
a
this
was
an
opinion
of
his
or
a
theory
of
his.
It's
since
been
proved
and
I'm
certainly
not
not
qualified
to
talk
on
it,
but
Joe
and
Charlie
and
some
other
people
do
a
nice
job
about
talking
about
what
happens
with
our
physical
craving.
Alcohol
breaks
down
into
acetone
and
the
acetone
stays.
It
doesn't
get
metabolized
quick
enough
with
Alcoholics
and
the
acetone
creates
a
craving
for
more
acetone.
And
that's
really
what
what
is
different
about
our
bodies
and
anybody
that
doesn't
know
what
acetone
is,
you
can
buy
it
in
an
auto
parts
store.
It's
what
what's
what
gets
tar
off
your
car
Fender.
It's
it's
a
solvent
and,
and
it's,
it's,
it's
dissolved
a
lot
of
things
besides
tar.
It's
dissolved
families
and,
and
careers
and
everything
else
and
Alcoholics.
I'll
tell
you
the
doctor's
theory
that
we
have
an
allergy
to
alcohol
interests
us
as
laymen.
Our
opinion
as
to
its
soundness
may
of
course
mean
little.
But
his
ex
problem
drinkers,
we
can
say
that
his
explanation
makes
good
sense.
It
explains
many
things
for
which
we
cannot
otherwise
account.
Why
do
you
drink
like
a
maniac
when
you
when
every
time
you
wake
up
in
a
detox
or
something?
I
mean,
how
can
you
account
for
that?
Yeah,
well,
you
know
what
I
mean?
And
a
lot
of
times
we
don't
understand
really
what's
going
on
with
our
drinking.
We
protect
it.
We
get
into
denial.
We
cover
it
up.
We
we
we
just
we
we
blot
it
out
of
our
mind.
But
really,
why
does
an
alcoholic
drink
when
we
get
DW
is
we
lose
families.
We
wake
up
in
Topeka
with
one
shoe.
Why
do
we
keep
picking
up
booze?
Thanks,
Chris.
You're
welcome.
I
certainly
wasn't
pointing
any
fingers.
So
we
workout
our
solution
on
the
spiritual
as
well
as
the
altruistic
plane.
And
altruistic
is
just
another
word
for
unselfish.
We
favor
hospitalization
for
the
alcoholic
who
is
very
jittery
or
be
fogged.
More
often
than
not.
It
is
imperative
than
a
man's
brain
be
cleared
before
he
is
approached
as
he
then
has
a
better
chance
of
understanding
and
accepting
what
we
have
to
offer.
And
another
thing,
I
still
favor
hospitalization
for
the
jittery
and
be
fogged.
Here's
a
statistic
for
you.
15%
of
Alcoholics,
their
progression
gets
to
a
point
where
they
suffer
delirium
tremens.
15%
of
the
Alcoholics
that
suffer
delirium
tremens
die
from
them.
OK,
so
if
you're
trying
to
sober
up
somebody,
you
locking
them
in
the
closet
in
the
basement
or
something,
you
know,
you
could
very
well
be
contributing
to
somebody's
debt.
What
happens
is
our
blood
pressure
goes
up
to
2,000,000
/
60.
And
the,
one
of
the
probably
the
main
thing
that
happens
is
our,
our
aorta
explodes
like
a,
like
a
garden
hose.
And
that'll
avoid
your
warranty
right
there.
And
you
know,
we
either
die
of
stroke
or
heart
attack
during
DTS.
That's
that's
one
of
the
main
ways
we
go.
So,
you
know,
so
none
of
the
closet
detoxing.
I'm
not
advocating
rehabs,
but
but
I
have
advocated
detoxes
in
the
past.
The
subject
presented
in
this
book
seems
to
me
to
be
of
paramount
importance
for
those
afflicted
with
alcoholic
addiction.
I
say
this
after
many
years
experience
as
medical
director
of
one
of
the
oldest
hospitals
in
the
country
treating
alcoholic
and
drug
addiction.
So
he
he
at
least
in
1935,
he,
he
was
on
the
Crest
of
the
alcoholic
treatment
wave.
There
was
therefore
a
sense
of
real
satisfaction
when
I
was
asked
to
contribute
a
few
words
on
the
subject,
which
is
covered
in
such
massively
detail
in
these
pages.
Now
I'm
going
to
change
some
of
the
words
here
because
you
got
to
understand
that
so
Forth
was
not
a
God
guy
and
he
really
had
a
hard
time
expressing
spiritual
principles.
So,
so
it's
hard
to
understand
this
next
paragraph
unless
some
of
the
words
are
changed
because,
you
know,
he
he
couldn't
talk
about
God.
He
he
beat
around
the
Bush.
So
I'm
going
to
change
it
a
little.
We
doctors
have
realized
for
a
long
time
that
some
form
of
spiritual
experience
was
urgent
importance,
was
of
urgent
importance
to
Alcoholics,
but
its
application
presented
difficulties
beyond
our
doctors
conception.
What
with
what
with
the
medical
ultra
modern
standards
and
the
doctors
scientific
approach
to
everything,
We
doctors
are
not,
or
perhaps
not
well
equipped
to
apply
the
powers
of
God
that
lie
outside
our
synthetic
knowledge.
How
is
an
MD
going
to
give
you
a
spiritual
experience?
It's
not
in
the
cards.
Many
years
ago
one
of
the
leading
contributors
to
this
book
came
under
our
care
in
this
hospital.
And
while
here
he
acquired
some
ideas
which
he
put
into
practical
application
at
once.
And
those
were
the,
the
some
of
the
precepts
of
the
Oxford
Group.
There
was,
there
was
basically
three
main
things
that
Bill
Wilson
became
very,
very
convinced
of.
He
became
convinced
of
restitution,
confession,
guidance,
all
kinds
of
things
like
that,
and
he
put
them
into
into
work.
Later
he
requested
the
privilege
of
being
allowed
to
tell
his
story
to
other
patients
here,
and
with
some
misgivings,
we
consented.
I
love
that
sense.
Requested
the
privilege
of
carrying
the
message
into
an
institution
and
with
some
misgivings
they
can.
You
know
nowadays
that
they
can't
get
enough
good
AA
people
into
the
institutions
to
carry
the
message
and,
and
they're
still
in
our
literature,
for
God's
sake.
The
cases
we
have
followed
through
have
been
most
interesting.
In
fact,
many
of
them
are
amazing.
The
unselfishness
of
these
men
as
we
have
come
to
know
them,
the
entire
absence
of
profit
motive
in
their
community
spirit
is
indeed
inspiring
to
one
who's
labored
long
wearily
in
this
alcoholic
field.
They
believe
in
themselves
and
still
more
in
the
power
which
pulls
chronic
Alcoholics
back
from
the
gates
of
death,
the
power
of
God
they're
talking
about
here.
Of
course
an
alcoholic
ought
to
be
freed
from
his
physical
craving
for
liquor
in
this
often
requires
a
definite
hospital
procedure
before
psychological
methods
can
be
of
maximum
benefit.
You
know,
get
somebody
detox.
It's
it's
hard
to
start
bringing
somebody
through
the
steps
when
they're
still
drunk.
Has
anybody
here
ever
gone
on
a
12
step
call
and
the
person
didn't
even
remember
you
showing
up?
You
know,
I'll
tell
you
I
have.
We
believe
in
so
suggested
a
few
years
ago
that
the
auction
of
alcohol
on
these
chronic
Alcoholics
is
a
manifestation
of
an
allergy
and
that
the
phenomenon
of
craving
is
limited
to
this
class
and
never
occurs
in
the
average
temporary
trinket.
The
phenomenon
of
craving
is
The
second
drink
calls
very
strongly
for
the
third
drink.
The
third
drink
calls
very
strong
for
the
4th
drink.
The
4th
drink
calls
very
strong
for
the
5th
drink
and
you
and
you
wake
up
in
a
in
a
crack
house
in
Harlem.
Again,
I'm
not
pointing
any.
Again,
I'm
not
pointing
any
fingers.
That's
the
phenomena.
That's
the
phenomenon
of
craving.
OK,
and
it
it
Aunt
Fanny
does
not
have
3
drinks
and
and
show
up
in
New
York
City
naked.
You
know
what
I
mean?
It's
just
it
just
doesn't
happen.
The
phenomenon
of
creating
the
phenomenon
of
craving
only
happens
in
heavy
drinkers
or
Alcoholics,
does
not
happen
in
the
moderate
or
temperate
tranquil.
These
allergic
types
can
can
never
safely
use
alcohol
in
any
form
at
all.
And
once
having
formed
the
habit
and
found
they
cannot
break
it,
once
having
lost
their
self-confidence
or
their
ability
to
control
their
reliance
upon
things
human,
their
problems
pile
up
on
them
and
become
astonishingly
difficult
to
solve.
Has
anyone,
does
anyone
here
relate
to
problems
piling
up
on
them
that
have
become
astonishingly
difficult
to
solve?
Join
the
club.
Frothy
emotional
appeal
seldom
suffices.
Oh
please
stop
drinking
for
me.
No
way.
Sure,
honey,
this
message,
which
the
message
which
can
interest
and
hold
these
alcoholic
people
must
must
have
depth
and
weight.
And
I
really
try
to
have
depth
and
weight
with
my
message.
I
don't
say
just
don't
drink
even
if
your
ass
falls
off,
have
a
seat
and
get
a
coffee.
I
just
that's
not
the
message
that
I
that
I
try
to
portray
anymore.
I
try
to
really
have
a
message,
message
with
depth
and
weight.
In
nearly
all
cases,
their
ideals
must
be
grounded
in
a
power
greater
than
themselves
if
they
are
to
recreate
their
lives.
So
this
is
a
doctor
saying
you
got
to
get
God.
It's
amazing
if
any,
if
any
feel
is
psychiatrist
directing
a
hospital
for
for
Alcoholics.
We
appear
somewhat
sentimental,
you
know,
telling
Hugh
to
go
to
God.
Let
them
stand
with
us
a
while
on
the
firing
line.
See
the
tragedies
and
the
despairing
wise,
the
little
children.
Let
the
solvings
of
these
problems
become
part
of
their
daily
work,
even
their
sleeping
moments.
I
mean,
he's
telling
you
that
he's
waking
up
with
nightmares
about
some
of
the
shit
that
he's
seen
the,
the
the
families
and
stuff.
And
the
most
cynical
will
not
wonder
why
we
have
accepted
it
and
encouraged
this
movement.
We
feel
after
many
years
of
experience
that
we
have
found
nothing
which
is
contributed
more
to
the
rehabilitation
of
these
men
than
the
out
in
the
unselfish
movement
now
growing
up
among
them.
That's
an
amazing
statement
for
a
doctor
to
make,
but
he's
saying,
why
do
you
think
I'm
making
it?
Just
come
to
work
with
me
one
day
and
see
the
absolute
torture
that's
going
on
with
these
families.
Men
and
women
drink
essentially
because
they
like
the
effect
produced
by
alcohol.
The
sensation
is
so
elusive
that
while
they
admit
it
is
injuries,
they
cannot
after
a
time
differentiate
the
truth
from
the
fault.
A
lot
of
people
I
work
with
early
on,
they
can't.
They
can't
distinguish
the
truth
and
the
false.
It's
amazing.
They'll
say
something
like
I'll
do
anything
to
get
over
alcohol.
I'll
do
anything.
I'll
do
anything.
Just
tell
me
what
to
do.
Go
to
a
meeting
tomorrow
night.
Oh,
I
can't.
I'm
busy.
They
can't
differentiate
the
truth
from
the
false.
You
know
what
I
mean?
You
need,
you
need
to,
to
take
the
steps
in
your
life.
You
need
to
practice
the
principles
of
this
program
to
survive
Well.
I'm
going
to
hang
out
on
step
one
for
six
months.
You
know,
it's,
it's
just
amazing
to
them,
their
alcoholic
life
seems
the
only
normal
one.
Here's
a
great
sentence.
This
is
this
is
the
untreated
alcoholic.
They
are
restless,
irritable
and
discontented
unless
they
can
again
experience
the
sense
of
ease
and
comfort
which
comes
at
once
by
taking
a
few
drinks,
drinks
which
they
see
others
take
drinks,
drinks
which
they
see
others
taking
with
an
impunity.
Has
anyone
ever
hear,
you
know,
the
hounds
of
hell
have
been
ripping
at
your
ass
and
you're
just
sick
of
it,
God
damn
it.
And
I'm
going
to
a
liquor
store,
you
know,
But
I
want
that
sense
of
ease
and
comfort
that
comes
at
once
by
buying
a
bottle
of
vodka
and
drinking
it
down
and
going
into
a
blackout.
Thanks
Chris.
Not
that
I'm
pointing
anything.
After
they
have
succumbed
to
the
desire
again,
as
so
many
do,
and
the
phenomenon
of
craving
develops.
That
means
like,
once
you
get
started,
you're
in
it
for
the
whole
deal.
The
beast
is
awake.
They
pass
through
the
well
known
stages
of
a
spree,
immersing,
emerging
Remorsel
with
a
firm
resolution
not
to
drink
again.
This
is
repeated
over
and
over,
and
unless
this
person
can
experience
an
entire
psychic
change,
there's
very
little
hope
for
recovery.
How
about
the
relapser?
You
know,
come
and
cut,
you
know,
come
into
their
senses
again
and
rushing
back
into
a,
a
I'm
ready
this
time,
I'm
ready
this
time,
I'm
ready
this
time.
But
they
don't,
they're
not
really
ready.
And
then
they
go
back
out
again.
On
the
other
hand,
and
strange
as
this
may
seem
to
those
who
do
not
understand,
once
a
psychic
change
has
occurred
and
he's
talking
about
the
spiritual
awakening
that
comes
after
we
practice
the
12
steps.
The
very
same
person
who
seemed
doomed,
who
had
so
many
problems
he
despaired
of
ever
solving
them,
suddenly
finds
himself
easily
able
to
control
his
desire
for
alcohol,
the
only
effort
necessary
being
that
he
recall
that
required
to
follow
a
few
simple
rules.
The
rules
are
our
principles,
are
our
steps.
Men
have
cried
out
to
me
in
sincere
and
despairing
appeal.
Dr.
I
cannot
go
on
like
this.
I've
everything
to
live
for.
I
must
stop,
but
I
cannot.
You
must
help
me.
Faced
with
this
problem,
if
a
doctor
is
honest
with
himself,
he
must
sometimes
feel
his
own
inadequacy.
Although
he
gives
all
that
it
is
in
him,
it's
often
not
enough.
One
feels
that
something
more
than
human
power
is
needed
to
provide
the
the
essential
psychic
change.
You
know,
if
you
go
to
doctors
today,
very
few
of
them
are
going
to
say
I
can't
do
anything
for
you.
The
good
doctors
will
refer
you
to
a
spiritual
program.
Some
of
the
doctors
that
really
don't
understand
alcoholism
will
have
14
different
drugs.
They'll
put
you
on.
One
of
the
latest,
latest
people
that
we
were
working
with
got
put
on
a
new
drug
that's
that's
to
combat
obsessive
compulsive
disorders.
And
the
doctor
said
to
this,
said
to
this
woman
that
we
were
working
with
alcohol.
Alcoholism
is
an
obsessive
compulsive
disorder.
Take
these
pills,
you'll
be
fine.
Don't
worry
about
that.
A
a
crap.
So
while
we
were
dragging
her
off
to
detox,
like
three
or
four
days
later,
we
let
her
know
that,
you
know,
you
may
have
been
misdiagnosed.
Though
the
aggregate
of
recoveries
resulting
from
psychiatric
effort
is
considerable,
we
physicians
must
admit
we've
made
little
impression
upon
the
problem
as
a
whole.
Many
types
do
not
respond
to
the
ordinary
psychological
process.
I
do
not
hold
with
those
that
believe
that
alcoholism
is
entirely
a
problem
of
mental
control.
I
have,
I've
seen
many
men
who
had,
for
example,
worked
for
a
period
of
months
on
some
problem
or
business
deal
which
was
to
be
settled
on
a
certain
date.
Favorably
to
them,
they
took
a
drink
a
day
or
so
prior
to
that
date.
Then
the
phenomena
of
craving
at
once
became
paramount
to
all
other
interests
so
that
the
important
appointment
was
not
met.
These
men
were
not
drinking
to
escape.
They
were
drinking
to
overcome
a
craving
beyond
their
mental
control.
I'll
give
you
one
out
of
my
personal
experience.
I
walked
practically
the
entire
80s
and
in
in
early
1989,
I
would.
I
had
finally
done
everything
I
needed
to
do
to
get
my
license
back,
my
driver's
license
back.
They
found
out
about
DWI.
It
was
just
a
mess.
And
anybody
in
here
that
can
relate
to
nightmarish
Trenton
hassles
to
get
your
license?
But
I
actually
had
to
take
my
my
driver's
test
over
again.
It
was
me
and
3217
year
olds
taking
the
job.
Felt
like
an
idiot.
But
anyway,
I
finally
had
all
my
ducks
in
a
row
and
I
was
going
to
Wayne
to
get
my
license
back.
And
I
always
had
problems
going
to
authority
places,
you
know,
places
with
like
authority
figures.
So
I
had
a
couple
of
drinks
before
I
went.
So
I
had
a
few
vodkas.
Well,
I
went
to
sit
down
in
front
of
this
woman
who
was
I
Finally,
I
was
real
pissed
off.
I
went
in
there.
I
go.
I
got
this.
I
got
this.
I
got
this.
And
I'm
throwing
all
the
paperwork
down.
I
finally
got
him.
You
know,
they
got
to
give
me
my
license
back.
And
she
starts
sniffing
at
me.
She
she's
like
sniffing
at
me.
She
goes,
she
goes,
you've
been
drinking.
I
go
no.
And
she
goes,
you
smell
like
vodka.
And
so,
so
you
know,
I'm,
I'm
lying.
I'm
saying
it's
like
last
night.
I
must
still
smell
from
last
night.
I
will
celebrate
and
get
my
license
back
and
finally
I
give
her
all
the
stuff
and
she's
got
to
hand
me
the
one
piece
of
paper
that's
going
to
give
me
my
license
back
and
she
hands
it
to
me,
but
she
won't
let
go.
It
was
like
a,
it
was
like
a
tug
of
war.
She's
like,
she's
like
trying
to
protect
humanity
from
now.
What
a
stupid
thing
to
do
to,
to
get
your
license
back
from
the
IT
was
my
third
DWI
and
I'm
getting
my
license
back
from
my
third
DWI
and
I'm
drunk
and
my
license
back.
Now
if
if
I
if
I
if
mental
control
helped
with
alcoholism,
would
I
have
done
something
so
stupid?
Another
one
was
I
missed
my
daughters
baptism.
I
got
drunk
and
I
missed
it.
I
sent
I
sent
one
of
my
buddies
who
pretended
he
was
me.
So
would
I
miss
my
own
daughters
baptism
If,
if,
if
alcoholism
was
a
problem
in
mental
control?
My,
my
wife,
my
wife
wasn't,
you
know,
she
knew
I
wasn't
me,
but
it
wasn't
like,
it
wasn't
like
the
priest
was
real
familiar
with
me,
you
know,
He
bought
it
anyway.
This
immediately
precipitates
us
into
a
seething
cauldron
of
the
Bay.
Much
has
been
written
pro
and
calm,
but
among
physicians,
the
general
opinion
is
the
most
chronic
Alcoholics
are
doomed.
Important
warning
flag.
What
is
the
solution?
Perhaps
I
can
best
answer
this
by
relating
one
of
my
experiences.
About
a
year
prior
to
this
experience,
a
man
was
brought
in
to
be
treated
for
chronic
alcoholism.
He
had
but
partly
recovered
from
a
gastric
hemorrhage
that
seemed
to
be,
and
he
seemed
to
be
in
a
case
of
pathological
mental
deterioration.
I
sponsor
people
like
that.
He
had
lost
everything
worthwhile
in
life,
was
only
living,
one
might
say,
to
drink.
He
frankly
admitted
and
believed
that
for
him
there
was
no
hope.
Following
the
elimination
of
alcohol,
there
was
found
to
be
no
permanent
brain
injury,
wasn't
wet
brained.
He
accepted
the
plan
outlined
in
this
book,
The
Steps.
One
year
later
he
called
to
see
me
and
I
experienced
a
very
strange
sensation.
I
knew
the
man
by
name
and
partly
recognized
his
features,
but
all
but
they're
all
resemblances
ended.
From
a
trembling,
despairing,
nervous
wreck
he
had
emerged,
a
man
brimming
over
with
self-reliance
and
contentment.
I
talked
with
him
for
some
time,
but
was
not
able
to
bring
myself
to
feel
that
I
had
known
him
before
to
he
was
a
stranger,
and
so
he
left
me.
A
long
time
has
passed
with
no
return
to
alcohol.
When
I
need
a
mental
uplift,
I
often
think
of
another
case
brought
in
by
a
physician
prominent
in
New
York.
The
patient
had
made
his
own
diagnosis,
and
deciding
the
situation
hopeless,
he
had
headed
in
a
deserted
barn,
determined
to
die.
He
was
rescued
by
a
searching
party
and
in
desperate
condition,
brought
to
me.
Following
his
physical
rehabilitation,
his
detoxing,
he
had
a
talk
with
me
in
which
he
frankly
stated
treatment,
a
waste
of
effort
unless
I
could
assure
him,
which
no
one
had
ever
had.
Then
in
the
future
he
would
have
the
willpower
to
resist
the
impulse
to
drink.
His
alcoholic
problem
is
so
complex
and
his
depression
so
great
that
we
felt
his
only
hope
would
be
through
what
we
then
called
moral
psychology,
or
a
spiritual
awakening,
or
a
conversion
experience,
whatever
you
want
to
call
it.
We
doubt
it,
if
even
that
would
have
any
effect.
However,
he
did
become
sold
on
the
ideas
contained
in
this
book.
He's
not
had
a
drink
for
a
great
many
years.
I
see
him
now
and
then
and
he
is
as
fine
as
specimen
manhood
as
one
would
want
to
wish
to
me.
I
honestly
advise
every
alcoholic
to
read
this
book
through
and
though
perhaps
he
came
to
scoff,
he
may
remain
to
pray.
That's
really
something
for
a
non
God
guy
to
say.
I
want
to
start
off
tonight
reading
a
little
bit
out
of
the
step
book,
which
is
not
something
that
I
normally
do.
I've
probably
been
to
enough
step
meanings
to
have
read
the
step
book
through
at
least
150
times,
the
first
part
of
the
12
and
12.
And
I've
done
enough
big
book
studies
to
be
able
to
say
that
I've
been
through
the
big
book
at
least
60
or
80
times.
And
what
I've
come
out
of
that
with
is
an
understanding
of
what
they're
both
about.
And
I'll
tell
you
what,
although
I
think
there's
there's
really
a
lot
of
wonderful
material
in
the
step
book.
I
think
it
pales
in
comparison
with
the
the
amount
of
wonderful
insight
for
alcoholism
and
alcoholism
recovery.
It's
laid
out
in
the
big
Book
says
you're
on
page
17
of
the
forward.
The
book
Alcoholics
Anonymous
became
the
basic
text
of
the
fellowship
and
still
is.
This
present
volume
proposes
to
broaden
and
deepen
the
understanding
of
the
12
steps
as
first
written
in
the
In
the
earlier
work,
one
of
the
big
mistakes
I
made
in
early
recovery
was
figuring
I'll
learn
how
to
do
the
steps
and
I'll
get
motivated
to
do
the
steps
by
going
to
step
meetings.
And
that's
really
not
what
happened
with
me.
I
became
more
confused
by
going
to
step
meetings
about
how
to
work
the
steps
then
I
then
I
would
have
if
I
didn't
even
bother.
I
see
I
didn't
understand
the
principles
that
were
in
the
big
book,
so
how
could
I
broaden
and
deepen
them?
Today
I
understand
a
little
bit
about
what
the
stepbook's
talking
about,
but
I've
got.
But
I've
got
personal
experience
with
the
steps
now.
I
think
it
can
be
very,
very
confusing
to
have
a
newcomer
read
the
step
book.
So
I
usually
don't
don't
encourage
that
until
someone
has
some
personal
experience
with
the
the
literature
in
the
big
book.
Tonight
we're
going
to
go
over
the
first
half
of
Bill's
story.
The
way
I
like
to
look
at
Bill's
story
is
as
a
12
step
call
in
print.
There's
a
couple
of
reasons
why
Bill's
story
is
the
first
chapter
in
the
book,
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
Doctor
Bob's
is
way
at
the
back
and
it's
not
really
even
a
chapter.
I
think
one
of
them
had
to
do
with
Bill's
ego.
I
think
that
he
was,
he
had
a
monstrous
ego.
And
we
can
be
very,
very
grateful
for
his
promotional
abilities
and
his
ego
and
stuff.
Because
I'll
tell
you
what,
when,
when
they
wanted
to
go
for
money,
they
went
to
the
Rockefellers.
When
they
wanted
psychiatric
advice,
they
went
to
Carl
Jung.
And
it
takes
a
giant
ego
to
be
able
to
do
that
stuff.
And,
and,
you
know,
he
was
marvelously
effective
at
running
the
New
York
office
and
getting
a,
a
off
the
ground
as
far
as
all
the
administrative
tasks
and
all
that
came
to
be.
But
I
think
the
second
reason
why
Bill's
stories
in
the
beginning
is
it
was
really
the
best
of
the
first
stories.
I've
read
all
the,
all
the
first
stories
in
the
1st
edition.
And
Bill's
story
is
by
far
the
best.
It
covers
more
areas
that
really
need
to
be
covered
when
talking
about
what
it
was
like,
what
happened
and
what
it's
like
now.
So
the
way
I
like
to
break
Bill
story
down
is
in
the
1st
8
pages
are
basically
what
happened
and
what
it
was
like
the
drinking
experiences
and,
and
heading
toward
the
bottom
is
alcoholic
bottom.
And
the
second-half
of
the
story
is
where
he
became
willing
and
he
he
found
out
some
things
and
he
became
willing
to
recover
from
alcoholism
and
he
took
some
steps
and
did
some
work
to
recover
from
alcoholism.
So
what
we'll
do
tonight
is
we'll
basically
cover
the
first
half.
One
of
the
exercises
I
give
the
people
that
I
work
with
newcomers
or
people
that
are
unfamiliar
with
with
step
work.
So
I
give
them
the
exercise
of
identify
with
Bill's
story.
The
first
half,
in
other
word,
hot.
In
other
words,
highlight
or
underline
anything
that
you
identify
with
drinking,
thinking
or
feeling
or
doing.
The
bill
did
thought,
felt
or
whatever.
I,
I'm
not
going
to
read
every
word
of
this,
but
I'm
going
to
kind
of
pick
out
some
things
that
I
definitely
identify
with.
You
know,
this
really
is
a
12
step
story
in
print.
And
I
think
the
more
we
identify
with
Bill
Wilson,
the
the
better
able
will
be
to
understand
that
we
too
are
alcoholic
and
we
too
have
felt
this
way
and.
The
solution
that
Bill
Wilson
in
the
first
100
practice
is
something
that
will
work
for
us
too.
Paragraph
11
down
at
the
bottom
says
he
was
very
lonely
and
he
turned
again
to
alcohol.
I
identify
with
that
because
I
drank
when
I
was
when
I
was
lonely.
That
was
one
of
the
reasons
why
I
would
drink.
He
talks
about
coming
back
from
from
World
War
One
over
on
page
two
at
the
top
says
he
took
a
night
law
course
and
obtained
employment
and
is
an
investigator
for
a
surety
company.
Down
at
the
bottom
of
the
paragraph,
he
said
we
had
long
talks
when
I
would
steal
her
forebodings
about
my
drinking
by
telling
her
that
men
of
genius
conceived
their
best
projects
when
drunk,
that
the
most
majestic
constructions
of
philosophical
thought
were
so
derived.
What
a
crock
of
shit.
And
I
can,
I
can
relate
to
that
so
much
because
I,
you
know,
mine,
my
personal
one
was
I
drink
because
all
people
with
dark,
artistic,
misunderstood,
complicated
personalities,
you
know,
have
to
like,
have
to
like,
calm
down
their,
their
jagged
nature.
You
know,
that
was
my
that
was
my
line
of
shit.
But
I
think
we
all
have
that
says
here.
By
the
time
I
had
completed
the
course,
I
knew
that
the
law
was
not
for
me.
The
inviting
Malstrom
of
Wall
Street
had
me
in
its
grip.
So
the
guy
is
right
there
at
the
at
the
final
graduation
point
of
a
law
degree,
and
he
decides
how
to
hell
with
it.
Does
anybody
in
here
relate
to
almost
doing
it
and
then
saying
to
hell
with
it
right
at
the
end?
I'll
tell
you,
I
did,
I,
I
changed
my,
my
majors
as
much
as
I
changed
my
underwear.
And
I
have
actually
like
150
college
credits
and
I
don't
even
have
an
associate's
degree
because
I,
I,
because
I
kept
changing
my
major
all
the
time.
You
know,
I
have
like
200
credits
in
science
fiction
and,
and,
and
swimming.
You
know,
anyway,
he
jumps
on
a
motorcycle
with
his
wife
and
he
runs
on.
Actually
what
he
did
was
he
became
one
of
the
first
stock
analysts.
At
that
time,
people
were
were
just
taking
paperwork
and
making
their
investment
decisions
based
on
paperwork
that
they
got
about
companies.
And
he
said,
he
said,
why
don't
I
go
out
and
talk
to
these
companies
and
find
out
if
they're
for
real.
And
that
way
when
we
invest
our
money,
you
know,
it'll
be
a
better
bet.
So
what
he
actually
would
do
is
he
would
go
to
the
bar
that's
right
next
to
the
factory
and
he
would
drink
with
the
factory
workers
and
he'd
get
him
to
talk.
And
that's
the
way
he
would
find
out
the
real
deal
about
these
companies.
And
he
was
very
successful
at
it
when
he
wasn't
in
a
blackout.
So
for
the
next
few
years,
fortune
through
money
and
applause
my
way
I
had
arrived.
My
judgment
and
ideas
were
followed
by
many
to
the
tune
of
paper
millions.
The
great
boom
of
the
late
20s
was
seasoning
and
swelling.
Here's
one
drink
was
taking
an
important
and
exhilarating
part
in
my
life.
Drinks
started
to
take
an
important
and
exhilarating
part
in
my
life.
When
I
first
started
drinking
it.
I'll
tell
you
I
used
it
for
for
social
tool.
I
use
it
for
all
kinds
of
things.
My
drinking
assumed
more
serious
proportions,
continuing
all
day
and
almost
every
night.
The
arguments
of
my
friends
terminated
in
a
row
and
I
became
a
lone
wolf.
Same
thing
happened
with
me.
If
there
was
anybody
that
was
still
friends
with
me
and
still
drinking
like
me,
they
were
completely
insane
because
I
was
violent
toward
the
end
of
my
drinking,
you
never
knew
what
I
was
going
to
do,
and
I
was
real
bad
luck.
You'd
hang
out
with
me
and
you
would
end
up
getting
a
DWI
because
it's
something
I
did,
you
know?
I
was
just
really
bad
luck
toward
the
end,
and
I
ended
up
being
a
lone
wolf.
The
only
people
that
would
still
hang
out
with
me
were
like
high
school
buddies
who
would
come
into
town
once
a
year
for
Christmas
to
see
their
parents
or
something,
and
they
would
make
the
mistake
of
hanging
out
with
me
and
it
didn't
happen
too
often.
He
begins
to
get
jittery
in
the
morning.
Down
at
the
pontoons,
down
at
the
bottom
of
page
4,
he
ends
up
losing
like
a
million
jobs
and
I
can
relate
to
that
too.
I
had
like
13
jobs
in
10
years.
He
gets
this
one
last
chance
and
it's
really
this
is
after
the
stock
market
crash
and
it's
a
guy
up
in
Canada
who
again,
didn't
really
know
good
the
extent
of
bills
drinking
because
he
was
sheltered
up
in
Canada.
So
bill
goes
up
there,
he
makes
a
absolute
solemn
pledge
I
will
not
drink
and
he
puts
it
in
writing.
You
know,
if
I
ever
taken
so
much
as
a
drop
of
alcohol,
you
can
fire
me
and
all
this
stuff.
And
and
what
happens
he
he
he
ends
up
getting
his
drunk,
his
six
Billy
goes
on
the
guy
and
they
they
fire
him.
You
know,
he
had
to
uphold
his
part
of
the
contract.
So
his
last
opportunity
with
a
Canadian
financial
company
stamp,
so
it
says
Drinking
caught
up
with
me
again
and
my
generous
friends
had
to
let
me
go.
This
time
we
stayed
broke.
We
went
to
live
with
my
wife's
parents.
Good
God,
I
found
a
job
and
then
lost
it
as
a
result
of
a
brawl
with
a
track
taxi
driver.
Has
anyone
in
here
ever
brawled
with
a
taxi
driver?
That's
even
something
that
I've
done.
My
wife
began
to
work
in
a
department
store,
coming
home
exhausted
to
find
me
drunk.
My
wife,
during
the,
during
the,
the
12
happy
months
that
I
was
married,
had
to
she
was
working
and
I
was
sitting
at
home
smoking
bones
and
watching
Love
Boat
reruns.
I
was
like
too
stoned
to
go
get
a
job,
you
know,
Honey,
did
you
go
look
for
a
job
today?
Yeah.
God,
it's
hell
out
there,
though.
It's
really
nothing
out
there
for
me.
And
when
she
was
finally
nine
months
pregnant
and
had
to
quit
work
and
I
finally
did
have
to
get
a
job,
that's
the
kind
of
guy
I
was.
Sacrifices.
Liquor
ceased
to
be
a
luxury,
it
became
a
necessity.
Bathtub
gin.
This
went
on
endlessly
and
I
began
to
waken
very
early
in
the
morning,
shaking
violently.
A
Tumblr
full
of
gin
followed
by
1/2
a
dozen
bottles
of
beer
would
be
required
if
I
was
to
eat
any
breakfast.
Nevertheless,
I
still
thought
I
could
control
the
situation
and
there
were
periods
of
sobriety
which
renewed
my
wife's
hope.
Can
you
imagine
having
to
drink
that
much
just
to
eat
breakfast
and
thinking
you're
in
control?
That's
complete
insanity.
He's
heading
for
the
bottom
here.
His
house.
The
house
was
taken
over
by
a
mortgage
holder.
The
mother-in-law
died.
Yeah.
It's
just
really
tragic.
Suffered
from
bad
breaks
and
misunderstandings.
I
woke
up.
This
had
to
be
sought.
Stopped.
Listen
to
this.
I
saw
I
could
not
not
take
so
much
as
one
drink.
He
got
that
part
of
the
first
step.
He
can't
take
one
drink.
So
with
that
self
knowledge,
he
should
be
OK,
right?
Well,
shortly
afterward
I
came
home
drunk.
There
have
been
no
fight.
Where
had
been
my
high
resolve?
I
simply
didn't
know.
It
hadn't
even
come
to
mind.
Here
again,
the
the
guy
is,
is
almost,
he's
really
close
to
death
from
alcoholism.
He's
drinking
himself
to
death.
And
he
knows
he
as
soon
as
he
starts
drinking,
it's
over.
And
he
can
be,
he
can
be
in
it
for
as
long,
as
long
as
the
deal
lasts.
So
why
did
he
shortly
afterward
come
home
drunk
again?
I
mean,
he
hadn't
even
thought
like,
I
better
not
take
a
drink.
This
is
this
is
an
example
of
the
powerlessness
over
alcohol.
I
had
signed
myself
into
a
rehab.
I'd
I'd
gone
I
was
in
the
middle
of
an
outpatient
treatment
program,
a
pain
mega
thousands
of
dollars
for
this
shit.
I
told
everybody
in
my
life
that
I
was
now
sober
and
everything
was
going
to
be
better
and
I
ended
up
getting
drunk
one
time
on
the
way
to
an
AM
in
I
decided
there
would
be
a
good
idea
to
buy
a
gallon
of
vodka
and
drink
it.
There
wasn't
really
any
even
thought
of
of
that.
It
would
send
me
back
out
for
like
8
more
months
of
torture.
It
was
like,
this
sounds
like
a
good
idea.
That's
the
insanity.
That's
the
obsession
of
the
mind
and
he
just
doesn't
really
understand
it
at
this
point
in
time
in
his
story,
renewing
my
resolve,
I
tried
again.
Some
time
passed
and
confidence
became
began
to
be
replaced
by
Cox
sureness.
I
could
laugh
at
the
Jen
Mills.
Now
I
had
what
it
takes.
So
now
he's
got
a
period
of
sobriety.
I
think
it
was
about
six
months
or
four
months
of
sobriety.
And
he's
starting
to
think,
you
know,
I
got
this
thing
licked.
One
day
I
walked
into
a
cafe
to
telephone.
In
no
time
I
was
beating
on
the
bar
asking
myself,
how
would
it
happen?
The
exact
story
of
this
was
he
went
to
play
golf
one
day.
There
was
no
job
prospects
on
the
horizon,
so
he
decided
to
take
the
day
off
and
go
play
golf.
He
borrowed
some
money
from
Lois.
He
went
to
the
golf
course.
And
at
the
golf
course,
he
stopped
at
the
bar
to,
to
get
a
soda.
And
at
the
bar
he
met
somebody
and
they
they
kind
of
became
friendly.
And
he
was
talking
with
this
guy
and
he
told
the
guy
all
about
his
alcoholism.
He
told
him
his
whole
story,
said,
you
know,
this
is
what
happens
when
I
drink.
And
a
few
minutes
later,
he
he
asked
the
bartender
for
a
cocktail.
No,
no.
Oh,
that's
right.
It
was
pharmacist
Armistice
Day.
Exactly
who's
Armistice
Day?
And
they
were
passed
out
free
drinks.
So
so
he
goes,
sure,
I'll
take
it.
And
he
starts
drinking.
The
guy
looks
at
him,
The
guy
looks
at
him
and
goes.
You
got
to
be
out
of
your
mind
after
what
you
just
told
him.
You
know,
whiskey
rose
in
my
head.
I
told
myself
I
would
matter,
manage
better
next
time,
but
I
might
as
well
get
good
and
drunk
That
that's
another
thing
that
I
relate
to.
I
used
to
do
that,
right,
Right.
Well,
you
know,
I
slipped
so
I
might
as
well
have
a
good
time
with
it.
There
more.
The
remorse,
horror,
hopelessness
of
the
next
morning
are
unforgettable.
The
courage
to
do
battle
was
not
there.
My
brain
raced
uncontrollably.
There
was
a
terrible
sense
of
impending
calamity.
Does
anybody
relate
to
your
brace
brain?
Brain
racing
uncontrollably
and
that
sense
of
impending
calamity
usually
because
your
brain
is
racing
and
there's
calamity
impending
at
the
bottom.
Should
I
kill
myself?
No,
not
now.
The
metal
fog
settled
down.
Jen
would
fix
that.
2
bottles
and
oblivion
and
that's
something
I
drank
for
towards
the
end
of.
Just
Get
Me
Out
of
now.
I
want
to
get
out
of
Chris.
I
want
to
drink
as
much
as
I
can
to
just
forget.
I
just
want
to
go
into
oblivion
land.
I
just
wanted
to
sleep.
The
mind
and
body
are
marvelous
mechanisms
for
mine.
Endured
this
agony
two
more
years.
Sometimes
I
stole
from
my
wife's
slender
purse.
When
the
morning
terror
and
madness
were
on
them
again.
I
swayed
busily
before
an
open
window
where
the
medicine
cabinet
where
there
was
poison,
cursing
myself
for
a
weakling.
I
used
to
have
a
loaded
38
and
I
would
get
into
the
that
that
pitiful
and
incomprehensible
demoralization.
And
I
would
put
it
to
my
head
and
I
would
just,
I
would,
I
would
curse
myself
for
a
weakling
for
not
being
able
to
pull
a
trigger.
Because
I'll
tell
you
what,
if
I
didn't
have
to
kill
myself,
I
would
have
done
it,
you
know?
But
it
just,
it
just
seemed
like
maybe
it
was
a
little
extreme.
Then
came
the
night
when
the
physical
and
mental
torture
was
so
hellish
I
feared
I
would
burst
through
my
windows,
sash
and
all.
I
love
this
part.
Somehow
I
managed
to
drag
my
mattress
to
a
lower
floor
lest
I
suddenly
leave.
He
lives
like
on
the
5th
floor
of
an
apartment
building.
And
here
he
is
dragging
his
mattress
past
the
neighbors
down
to
the
lobby
to
sleep.
You
know?
Hey,
Bill,
what
are
you
doing?
I'm
afraid
I'm
gonna
jump
out
the
window.
I'm
gonna
sleep
outside
your
door.
A
doctor
came
with
a
heavy
sedative.
Next
day
found
me
drinking
both
gin
and
sedative.
Everybody
that's
drank
both
gin
and
sedative
raise
their
hand.
I
was.
I
was
Zanic
and
Xanax
and
whiskey
myself.
This
combination
soon
landed
me
on
the
rocks.
People
feared
for
my
sanity,
so
did
I.
I
could
eat
little
or
nothing
when
drinking
and
I
was
40
lbs
underway,
right?
My
brother-in-law
is
a
physician
and
through
his
kindness
and
that
of
my
mother,
I
was
placed
in
a
nationally
known
hospital
for
the
mental
and
physical
rehabilitation
of
Alcoholics
under
the
so-called
belladonna
treatment.
My
brain
cleared.
Somebody
came
into
high
school
one
time
with
a
sack
of
belladonna,
and
it
was,
it's
this
like
hallucinogenic
weed
or
something.
It's
like
this
poisonous
herb.
And
he
started
selling
it.
And
I
don't
know
about
anybody
else,
but
I
was
a
ton
of
kind
of
guy
that
I
I
go,
yeah,
give
me
that.
Well,
what
was
that?
Yeah.
And
this
stuff,
what
this
stuff
did
to
me
and
others
was
it
made
us
partially
blind
and
we
felt
psychotic,
and
that's
what
it
did.
I
can't
imagine
it
being
a
treatment
for
alcohol,
but
here
we
were
the
next
day,
you
know?
Hey,
did
you
go
blind
too?
It
was,
it
was,
it
was
fucked
up.
Hydrotherapy
and
mild
exercise
help
much.
Hydrotherapy
is
where
they
strap
you
through
a
Gurney
and
they
they
put
you
into
a
big
shower
with
all
kinds
of
all
kinds
of
spigots.
They'd
hit
you
with
hot
water,
cold
water,
hot
water,
cold
water.
I
don't
know
if
it
is.
I
don't
know
if
it
helped
you
overcome
your
alcoholism,
but
drive
you
out
of
your
mind.
I
guess
it'd
clean
you
up
a
little.
Best
of
all,
I
met
a
kind
Doctor
Who
explained
that,
though
certainly
selfish
and
foolish,
I
had
been
seriously
ill,
both
bodily
and
mentally.
This
is
Doctor
Silkworth,
who's
about
to
give
Bill
Wilson
an
explanation
of
his
problem.
Until
this
period
of
time,
Bill
Wilson
did
not
know
why
he
kept
picking
up
the
first
drink.
I
mean,
it's
pretty
academic.
And
once
you
start
drinking,
you
know,
you're
you're
a
blackout
trick
or
you
just
keep
drinking
and
drinking
and
drinking.
That's
that's
the
easy
part
to
understand.
The
hard
part
to
understand
is
why
do
you
keep
picking
up
the
first
drink?
What
the
fuck's
wrong
with,
you
know,
if
you
end
up
in
the
hospital
or,
or,
I
mean,
if
every
time
you
pick
up
a
drink,
what
do
you
say
to
yourself?
You
have
to,
you
have
to
drink
on
a
lie.
You
have
to
say,
well,
it
won't
hurt
me
this
time
because
you
can't
say,
oh,
I
think
I'll
go
and
get
a
bottle
of
whiskey,
get
a
divorce,
burn
the
top
half
of
my
house
down
and
go
to
the
hospital
for
a
month.
I
mean,
that's
not
what
you
say
before
you
have
a
drink,
but
that's
what
happens
to
you.
So,
so
he
just
doesn't
understand
it.
So
forth
Is
gave
him
the
the
explanation
of
the
obsession
of
the
mind.
It
relieved
me
somewhat
to
learn
that
an
Alcoholics.
The
will
is
amazingly
weakened
when
it
comes
to
combating
liquor,
though
it
often
remains
strong
in
other
respects.
So
our
willpower
when
it
comes
to
alcohol
can
be
at
best
in
a
inefficient
my
incredible
behavior
in
the
face
of
a
desperate
desire
to
stop
was
explained.
Understanding
myself
now,
I
fared
forth
in
high
hope
for
three
months.
The
goose
hung
high,
went
to
town
regularly,
even
made
a
little
money.
Surely
this
was
the
answer
self
knowledge.
So
so
knowing
that
you
have
you
suffer
from
a
mental
obsession,
you
would
think,
OK,
now
that
I
know
I'll
be
all
right,
but
that's
not
true.
It's
a
it's
a
mental
You're
powerless
over
album
if
you
can
decide
not
to
drink,
not
powerless
over
alcohol,
because
if
you
can
decide
not
to
drink,
you
have
power
over
alcohol.
So
that's
the
mental
obsession
that
really
makes
us
powerless.
But
it
was
not,
for
the
frightful
day
came
when
I
drank
once
more.
The
curve
of
my
declining
moral
and
bodily
health
fell
off
like
a
ski
jump.
After
a
time,
I
returned
to
the
hospital.
This
was
the
finish,
the
curtain,
it
seemed
to
me.
My
worrying,
despairing
wife
was
informed
that
it
would
all
end
in
heart
failure
during
delirium
tremens,
or
I
would
develop
a
wet
brain.
Perhaps
within
a
year.
She
would
soon
have
to
give
me
over
to
the
undertaker
of
the
asylum.
A
wet
brain
basically
is
a
dry
brain.
Is
anyone
here
ever
come
to
the
next
day
so
parched
that
you
have
to
drink
like
1/2
a
gallon
of
water?
Well,
what
happens
is
repeatedly
when
you
do
that
to
your
system
and
get
that
dehydrated,
it
dries
out
your
brain
and
your
brain
just
kind
of
dies.
And
someone
who
that's
really
the
form
of
alcoholic
insanity.
Wet
brain
is
what
happens
is
you
can
you
can
survive
for
years.
There's
people
that
have
lived
in
Greystone
Hospital
for
30
years
with
wet
brain
and
all
they
do
is
drool
and
their
family
comes
every
Christmas
and,
and,
and
it
brings
them
a
flower
or
something
and
asks
them
to
do
you
recognize
me,
Uncle
Jim?
You
know,
and
of
course
they
don't
because
they're
they're
checked,
they've
checked
out,
you
know,
that's
that's
what
happens
with
with
wet
brain
and
the
undertaker
of
the
assigned.
That's
real
nice
news,
you
know.
Well,
Well,
Mrs.
Wilson,
you
know
you
better
buy
a
grave
plot
for
your
husband.
They
did
not
need
to
tell
me.
I
knew
and
almost
welcomed.
The
idea
was
a
devastating
blow
to
my
pride.
I,
who
had
thought
so
well
of
myself
and
my
abilities,
of
my
capacity
to
surmount
obstacles,
was
cornered
at
last.
Now
I
was
complunge
into
the
dark,
joining
the
endless,
endless
procession
of
Sots
who
had
gone
on
before.
I
thought
of
my
poor
wife.
There
had
been
much
happiness
after
all.
What
I
would
not
give
to
make
amends.
But
that
was
over
now.
No
words
can
tell
of
the
loneliness
and
despair
I
found
in
that
bitter
morass
of
self
pity.
Quicksand
stretched
around
me
in
all
directions.
I
had
met
my
match.
I
had
been
overwhelmed.
Alcohol
was
my
master.
Trembling,
I
stepped
from
the
hospital,
a
broken
man.
Fear
sobered
me
for
a
bed
he
probably
got
a
couple
weeks
in.
Then
came
that
insidious
insanity.
The
first
drink
on
Armistice
Day.
That's
what
I
was
talking
about
before
I
was
off
again.
Everyone
became
resigned
to
the
certainty
that
I
would
have
to
be
shut
up
somewhere
or
would
stumble
along
to
a
miserable
how
dark
it
is
before
the
dawn
and
reality.
That
was
the
beginning
of
my
last
debauch.
I
was
soon
to
be
catapulted
into
what
I
like
to
call
the
4th
dimension
of
existence.
I
was
to
know
happiness,
peace
and
usefulness
in
a
way
of
life
that
is
incredibly
more
wonderful
as
time
passed.
So
there
is
kind
of
some
hope
here.
Near
the
end
of
that
bleak
November,
I
sat
drinking
in
my
kitchen.
With
a
certain
satisfaction,
I
reflected
that
there
was
enough
gin
concealed
about
the
house
to
carry
me
through
that
day.
In
the
next,
my
wife
was
at
work,
and
I
wondered
whether
I
dare
hide
a
full
bottle
of
ginia,
the
head
of
our
bed.
I
would
need
it
before
daylight.
My
musing
was
interrupted
by
the
telephone.
The
cheery
voice
of
an
old
school
friend
asked
if
he
might
come
over.
He
was
sober.
All
right
tonight.
To
start
off,
I've
asked
Rich
to
read
a
piece
of
literature.
This
piece
of
literature
is
is
an
early
preamble
from
the
40s.
It's
an
AA
group
preamble.
And
anybody
that
knows
me
knows
I'm
very,
very
fond
of
the
real
old
literature.