The Way of Life meeting in Santa Barbara, CA

And now let's give a special Santa Barbara welcome to our main speaker, Rick W from Oxnard.

What can I say? Hi, my name is Rick Wilson. I'm an alcoholic, and it's really good to be in this room tonight. I mean, there's so many of you that I know

and some of you I like and, and it's a,

it's really a little bit humbling. I was told that there's 8 birthdays tonight and that really is the deal. You know, there was A and, and congratulations to all the, the people who are taking cakes and, and different lengths of sobriety and welcome to the newcomers. You know, you'll hear an, a, a that, that the newcomer is the most important person in the room. And that may be true until I come into the room.

But in the book it actually says that you are the lifeblood in the program. And that's really the truth. You are the lifeblood of the program.

And so I welcome you all. And so my portion of this is going to be cut down considerably. She told me that I only have like an hour and a half tonight, so I'll try to get it all in. But the most important things really have already been said. And and you know, I don't know the the difference between the newcomers in the beginning and the birthday people at the end. And is I think there's a like a holiday that's just happened recently,

right? Maybe another one coming up.

I'm a Bah humbug guy. I don't know about you, but you know, I could do without all this frivolity, you know, all this pleasure. And well, I'll keep the pleasure, the frivolity you can keep. But I got to say that Oxnard in the house, you know

it.

That's a funny thing. What is I I grew, I was born in New England. I don't know if you can tell, it's been a long time ago and my accent is pretty much gone, but I can still park a car every once in a while. But the city that I was born in was was Lynn. And we have any Massachusetts. I know there's at least one, if not more couple there. You go where?

Oh, hey, so I'm going to tell them the rest of the people here

about the motto for Lynn, right? Well, first of all, let me What is the motto here? This is like the American Riviera or something. Is it? Isn't it that Santa Barbara, The American Riviera? Yeah, you snot. I mean, people who come from here,

well, I come from Oxnard, you know, I tell people say, oh, you live in California, whereabouts. And I say, oh, about a million and a half dollars South of Santa Barbara. And

but we have a motto down there too. You know,

our motto is Bakersfield by the Sea.

I live in, I've lived in Oxnard for for almost 42 years and I just recently moved to Thailand, retired. And I know I don't look old enough, you know, but I recently retired and I moved because I can't afford to live even in Oxnard, you know, on a retirement pay. So I went to Thailand and I'm having a wonderful life over in Thailand. I see some people nodding their heads like

leave, leave anyways.

But Lynn, the town that I was born in,

do you know it?

You never come out the way you went in. Yeah. Lynn. Lynn, I swear to God,

sometimes you go to a meeting and you hear a guy say something you say that's that can't be true, but that's that's proof. Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, Lynn, the city of sin. You never come out the way you went in. And so that's where I come from anyways.

I'm an alcoholic and all that means is that I have the inability to control and enjoy my drink. And that's all that means. You know, I am selfish and I'm, I'm a liar, cheating, a thief, but that's got nothing really to do with my alcoholism. It helps, but it's it, it doesn't have anything to do. I hear a lot of times people,

what do they do? They blame stuff. Well, I'm an alcoholic. You know, We know Alcoholics are more intellectually gifted than most folks, right?

We're more spiritually gifted even. We're more talented. You know the only place you'll ever hear that sending an AM, You know, because believe me, when you were drinking, your neighbors weren't saying that it's easy. But he's more spiritually gifted than most folks.

I started drinking at a very early age, you know, and I, I used to say that I didn't have any social drinking, but that's not really true, you know, between, I realize now after some looking into it, inventories and all that stuff. But I did have social drinking between the ages, ages of eight and 11:00

and, and it really wasn't a problem, you know, I could drink or not. And but at 11, I come from an alcoholic family and that's, I guess that's important. And some of you know that and some of you don't. And the ones that, the ones that know that I don't have to explain it to you and the ones that don't, I don't know if I could. So, so that you really understand it. But my dad was abusive to my mom and to us. And,

you know, I, I could, I can remember us distinctly here and my mom,

you know, crying at the foot of the stairs, calling my name to come down and help her, you know, because my dad beat me one more time and, and I was a little boy and there was nothing I could do. And so when I went to school, I was ashamed of really of who I was. And so I couldn't look at anybody in the eye. I just walked around like this, you know, And when I stood in that ballpark with Kevin and we drank enough whiskey and Pepsi or whatever to get it down, I can remember this distinctly. I can remember rocking back on my heels.

I can remember my breath taking a deep breath

and I know I've done it before, but this one felt special.

My shoulders rolled back. Hell, I thought I felt 5 foot 7 inches tall.

But one thing that happened that a lot of people didn't see, it raised my gaze from here to here and I was able to look at you in the eye. And I said, how you doing, man?

How you doing? What's happening

then? I said. How you doing?

I like this stuff. So I took another drink

and then I said, the hell you looking at, pal?

Alcohol changed my life. It really did change my life. But it also changed what I thought you were thinking about me. Not what you were thinking about me, because you want that. You weren't thinking about me very much, right? But what I thought you were thinking about me. And that's the thing that's ruled my life until, well, even today, you know, sometimes I get stuck in that quagmire. But

alcohol lifted me out of that and I was able to walk around. And

now I see you. I was able to walk around and, and and and pretend that I didn't care what you thought about me. And it made me feel whole and I was brave

because I wasn't before. And alcohol took my life. From that day to this day, I've never tried to quit drinking because alcohol made me feel OK. Now that doesn't might not sound like much, but if you've never felt OK, and I'm sure that I did, but I don't remember it. But I remember that day and I remember feeling OK.

I remember feeling better than OK. And by the end of the night, I don't know what happened. But from that day to this, I've never tried to quit. I didn't come to Alcoholics Anonymous to quit drinking. I came here for filter tip cigarettes

while I was in a mental institution. Oh, did I tell you that? How many people, how many people here are involved in some sort or have been affected in some way by hospitals and institutions,

the people in them, right?

I lived in an era where I thought that I was not going to live past 25 and never trust anybody over 30, right?

And I got to one day I woke up and I happened to be in California and I realized that I was 26 and I was a year past my expiration date. And I was life sucked really bad and it wasn't worth living anymore. And I was going to commit suicide and I ran into a guy. I got to remember to talk fast. An hour and a half is going to go by just like that. So and the guys and the new comments are going really an hour and a half. You know that this was an hour. I thought we were getting out here soon and

but I sometimes I lose my train of thought because I'm old. But where was I? So you weren't listening either, right?

Oh, yeah, Yeah. OK. So I ran into this guy and he was certified crazy. And he said, hey, you know what, If you get certified crazy, you can collect SSI and they don't pay SSI for alcoholism. You got to have a title, you know, you got to have a, you know, paranoid schizophrenia or something like that, you know, And so that's what I wanted to be paranoid schizophrenic with suicidal tendencies.

And by the way, if you're here and you're that, I'm not making fun of you. And I really say that because I did have a guy come up to me and say, hey, man, you shouldn't be making fun of. And but I'm just telling you my story. And, and I really wanted to be paranoid schizophrenic and suicidal tendencies because they paid for it. So I went to Camarillo State Hospital. Remember Camarillo? It's a university now.

It has a whole different ring on my resume.

I went to check into camera Real estate hospital. Some of you remember that movie Born in East LA, you know, Cheats is down South. He lost his driver's license or whatever. And and teacher won't teach, I think. And and they said, oh, yeah, you're an American. He goes, yeah, man, really, I'm American. And he says, OK, who's the president? He goes, oh, you know, that cowboy guy, John Wayne.

And so I felt they asked me some questions, you know, like what's 3 from 100 and stuff like that.

I think I got most of them right, but they ended up putting me in a, in a, in an alcohol abuse program. I don't know why. And they don't have the checks waiting for you. So I had to get the checks going, you know, so you have to actually apply for it because they don't until you that they don't give it to you, you know, but they did give you back then you could smoke in the hell, you could smoke anyplace. You all you non-smokers. We say we give you a section right there that's non-smoking and the rest is smoking, you know,

but even the state would would you know, what happened, end up happening was they gave me Bugler.

I got to tell you folks, I couldn't roll a joint and I couldn't roll bully, you know, and I'm spitting the tobacco out and and they don't give crazy people caffeinated coffee, but they do in a a. And Monday, Wednesday and Friday they had an, a, a meeting down the hall, you know, and, and so they said yeah. So I went to Monday, Wednesday and Fridays and, you know, they had a whole pot of caffeinated coffee just like out here. And the guys and the gals from H and I would come in and they bring in Marlboro, one hundreds, my, you know, my cigarette and

put it on the counter there. And we always had cookies.

Friday nights, we had a cake.

What? What do you want me to say? I'm an alcoholic. Yeah, I'm an alcoholic. I'm a I'm a Democrat. I'm Republican. What cake on Friday nights? Yeah. I used to be a woman.

I don't care, you know, and it came easily and quickly because I'm a liar, right? Cheating a thief. And so that's why I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. And what I found here was that a a work, I didn't have any defenses up. I knew one thing for sure is that I was not an alcoholic because I knew what an alcoholic was. And that was my dad and I was never going to be like him. Therefore non alcoholic. Don't confuse me with the facts. I'm not an alcoholic. I ain't going to be. So I sat there like Jim sitting there right now going like, what the hell is he talking about? It didn't matter

to me because it didn't affect me. You know, I wasn't in the hair club for men. You know, it was just, it was just, I was just sitting there and I was just going to be quiet and polite until, you know, the break time came so I could smoke another one of your cigarettes and eat another cookie and have a cup of coffee. And that's why I was here. But what I saw here was that Alcoholics Anonymous works. If you don't mind, I'd like to recite

a paragraph out of the book. I can do the whole thing and that is that it works.

It really does.

And I don't know why, but I saw that

and I thought, geez, it's too bad I'm not an alcoholic. In that particular meeting of the three meetings a week that they read chapter 3 as well. And I thought, how am I going to get it? I mean, you got everything here. You got Father mine, you got Clancy, you got, you know, Jesus, Father John Day, you got all this is wonderful, but nothing's ever worked for me. I'm just one of those damn Wilson boys. You know, if you grew up in my town, you were instructed by your folks not to hang around with me because. And it was a good advice because I was going to get you into trouble because I was just a troublemaker.

And I didn't know, you know, I, I, I, so I, I thought nothing's ever worked for me. Nothing's. I'm just one of those Wilson boys, you know, And hell, Amway didn't even work for me, you know, I don't know about you. So I didn't have seven friends or something and it just wasn't a good deal. And

and so I thought, how could I get it here? And in the chapter 3, it talks about an alcoholic, you know, paraphrasing here, has the inability to control and enjoy his drinking. And I thought, you know, that's my end because I can control it or enjoy it, but I can't do both. You know, I don't know if you can relate to that.

And I'm going to tell you two stories, and then we're going to work the steps, OK?

But I know it's Friday night, right?

We'll do step one right now, OK?

I believe, I humbly, I believe that all the work for step one is done before you got here. There's nothing to do in step one. Now. I lose some people here. Now they a couple of times people walk out, but I believe that the work for step one is already done. What you need to do when you get here is admit it, OK, We're in. We're in Santa Barbara, CA, arguably one of the nicest places

on the face of the Earth. You know, you could be anywhere. You could be in Galita in just seconds, you know what I mean.

Up to you.

It's Friday night,

the holiday season

again. Oxnard's only half an hour away

and you're in an AAA meeting.

Just admit it,

there's not many, maybe one or two that are in here really trying to figure out if they're Alcoholics or not. You know,

non Alcoholics don't really think about that too much.

So step one is people put a lot of stuff in you. You know what the reality is? We've got holiday weekend. Some of you are off until next year, right? You could do the steps if you hadn't already done it for the newcomers here, you can do it. And before you have to go back to work next year, you really can. And I'm going to ask you to do it this weekend. You know why? Because the only time you can do it is right now. That's the only time there ever is is right now.

The other thing is is that in the beginning there was 6 steps

and Bill needed money

to run the office so he wrote a book. He also didn't want the message to get twisted and garbled. So this is what happened, and I know it's true 'cause I heard it in an A a meeting.

On the way home to write the book, he stopped at Starbucks,

True. And he got a couple of ad shots and he put him in a thing and went home and wrote the book. Now, if you did the steps, and I'm just going to say he wrote it on Wednesday night, if you did the steps on Tuesday, you only had to do 6.

Thursday you got to do 12.

Now if you do them tonight, you only got to do 12 because you know there's a group someplace trying to make this a 24 step program. So if you do them tonight, you only got to do 12. Fair.

But the reality is, and I'm not saying this fluff in here, but the reality is that there's only three and Doctor Bob put it in a prescription and that is trust God, clean house and help others. That's the only three things you have to do. But if you're as broken as I was when I came in here, those things didn't make sense to me. I don't know. Trust God, I don't know how to do that. So the steps are designed so that we can take little bites at this as we're worried about the rest of our lives and all the people in it. You know what I mean? So we take little bites at the steps.

That's why they're so that's why it's been so that's why the the Washingtonian groups didn't make it because they try to put too much in there. And it's why this has been so successful. There's been a survey done on on on the Internet again, so I know it's true.

It says that the failure they'll get this, that the failure rate of it. There he is the failure height norm. The failure rate of Alcoholics Anonymous is. The failure rate is 95 to 100%,

sometimes higher.

It's on the Internet.

Could I see the hands of people with over a year sobriety?

My God,

I'm going to recite that paragraph. It works. It really does. Now, one of the things that happens is, is that a lot of people come in here and newcomers are not pointing the fingers at you, but OK,

a lot of people come in here and don't do anything. You know I belong to the gym.

I go to the gym and I see my buddies and I talked for an hour sometimes, too, and I leave exhausted, you know? And you don't get a body like this without doing that. You know, a lot of people come to Alcoholics Anonymous and they have no intentions of staying sober. They're getting somebody off their back. You know, some people bring in court cards, right? You know what I say to the people with court cards?

Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous.

I came here. Anybody come here for the right reasons? I came here for all the wrong reasons. I came here to get from you. And you gave me more than I bargained for. You really did. So, Step 10. I didn't tell you the story. I'm. I'm I would prefer to drink whiskey than wine.

OK, Reason being

less input, less output, you know what I mean? You can't drink 2 bottles of whiskey. I know some guys I drank 2 bottles of whiskey for. Anyway I did and I drank as much as I had, a friend of mine says.

I drank the capacity, you know, and, and I could drink 3 or 4 bottles of wine, but I couldn't do that with whiskey. But I couldn't drink whiskey in between paydays because it was more expensive than wine. So sometimes I had to settle not for the really cheap stuff, you know, sometimes I'd go for Spinata and I think at one point that had a cork in it actually. But anyways, sweet wine was my refuge in between paydays. But sweet wine had a loosening effect of my bowels. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about.

Whiskey want to make me for the first couple of sips make me want to throw up.

And, and I've never been one to take it easy, you know, and relax and wait and get this going. I'm driving down the street and I must have got paid because I have a glass of whiskey in my hand and the bottle under the seat. But I have two weeks back then we used to get paid every two weeks or I did anyways, And and I've had two weeks of, of wine going down. But I'm I got to go. I got to be there because I don't want to miss anything. You know what I mean? I got to hurry up. And so I'm drinking this whiskey and I want to throw up

and, and I realize that I, I actually do have to throw up and I'm and I'm going to throw up and, and I'm throwing up and, and I didn't, and I didn't, I got pulled off to the side of the road, but I didn't get the windows open right

and, or the door open. And you ever fall off of, you know, down the stairs or off your bike or something. Time seems to slow down,

so I'm sitting in this time warp in the front seat of my car throwing up and the thought comes to my head. Hey, hey, Rick, put your hand over your mouth.

So. So I do. And

anybody ever thrown up in here, you know, anything,

it's not a, it's a violent accent. It's like a sneeze, right? It's violent and so

come through every hole in my head, through my hand, all over me, all over the inside of the car. And at the same time, I filled my pants with the Boone's Farm apple wine, probably. And

I'd like to be able to tell you that from that day to this, I was mortified. And I haven't had a drink. And, and I got to tell you that from that day to this, I was inconvenienced. You know what I mean? I sat there in my whatever that is, people like this part of the story, don't you?

I sat there in all my glory and I thought, what, you know, what do I do? And the first thought comes to my mind. I reach up and I turn the windshield wipers on and

which has no effect because it's all on the inside.

So that just scrape it off and,

and,

you know, and I went back and repeated the process and by now I'm not throwing up so I can keep it down and I keep going. The other one I want to tell you about was I'm a, I'm a, I'm going to be a designated driver for a drink and I'm driving. And the next time I'm actually asleep and I wake up and I realize that I'm driving the car and which is exciting, you know who? And,

and I look up and I'm and I'm really close to a parked car, actually way too close. And I hit it really solidly, solidly. And but now I'm driving a getaway car.

Couple of reasons is that I don't have a driver's license because I've lost it for drunk driving already. And the other thing is, is that it's my, my brother's car and, and he ain't around. I got to get the hell out of there. You know, within seconds I realized that I've broken the steering wheel with my chest. I've knocked my front teeth out. I don't know if on the steering wheel, the dashboard or whatever, but I've not lost my front teeth.

I in the car is in worse shape than I am. It makes it about 1/2 a block. I get out of the car, throw the keys down and start to run. Now I told you I was born, I was born in Lynn, but I was raised in this small town up in Northern Massachusetts. And what I didn't realize was that there was a cop behind me and he witnessed the whole thing. So as I'm running, he's talking on the squawk box thing and he said those words that I've always hated to hear from cops. He said,

hey, Rick.

And

now I went to high school for four years and I quit in my sophomore year. That doesn't make me stupid. It makes me uneducated. And I realized that even if I did get away, he knew who I was. So I thought I stopped and I thought, and I'm not a cop fighter, you know, I'm I'm a yes or no, Sir. I would have had many, many more drunk driving if I was a cop fighter because I got stopped a lot.

And I thought what could I have done differently? And the first thought that came to my mind was

if you want drinking, this wouldn't have happened. And the second thought that came to my mind was if this is the price that I've got to pay to get what alcohol gives me, 'cause you know what alcohol gives me. It makes me feel OK, gives me the ability to look in the eye, look you in the eye. It gives me the ability to stand up and be a man or a boy or whatever. It made me feel. It made me forget what I thought you were thinking about me. And if this is the price that I got to pay to get that

I'm in,

the reality is this didn't happen every time I drank. It only happened 2-3, maybe 4 * a year. But if, if this is the price I'm in and I'm all in. So then I turned 26. I, I left Massachusetts and I went to California. I turned 26 and I thought, you know, I'm done. I'm past my expiration point and I ended up in Cameroon state hospital. Want to be certified crazy? Collect SSI

and we already did step one, so let's look at Step 2. What do you do for Step 2?

Nothing

says came to believe it's written in plural. Do you know why? Because they say this is what we did, right? So this and it's written in the past tense because it's what we did. So that that's that's why it's it's in plural. That's why it's a we program. But step two came to believe their power greater than ourselves could resource the sanity. How do you do that? How do you do that? Sit at home and write about it. I don't think so. I think if you go to another meeting, it will happen.

I think if you go to enough meetings that you will come to believe that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity,

or you won't. And if you won't or don't, then you won't stay or you'll keep on coming back.

And if you do, you'll stay.

Step three made a decision. How long does it take to make a decision? I know if you had a restaurant, you know, we had some beautiful food tonight. Mexican. There's a Mexican restaurant in Santa Barbara. I don't know if you guys know it and

do I get the soft shell or do I get the hard shell?

So I made a decision within minutes. I made that decision. Carnitas.

But I got it and I was I was satisfied actually was very good. Ruben, if you want to know where the Reuben will tell you where it is. And but really, how long does it make a decision made a decision to turn our will in our lives, our thoughts and our actions. I mean, let's get this thing on. You know, if you don't, you will die. And and that's not like, you know, you might die. It's like, you know, you're going to die

painfully and slowly.

If alcohol in the time that I've been sober, if I knew, then the book says if to drink is to die. And I really think they mean spiritually. But 'cause if I knew, if that, if I could drink, that I would die, I would have done it a few times because I'm a depressive kind of guy. And that's the way that I got to go. I don't know if I'm going to finish this tonight in another hour, OK.

I was thinking of something really profound to put in there, but

I'll have to come back to that. So step three, made a decision, OK, to make a decision. You ready? You going to go? You jump out of an airplane,

you're gonna pull the rip cord. It's up to you.

And what do they want you to do? Sometimes people will say, jeez, I don't know what God's will is.

I don't know if I know it either. You know, I know what it isn't a lot of the times, and even that might not be right, but God's will, my sponsor used to recite this and so I'm going to read this. It's about God's will. It's called the right path by some of you know who this guy is and you've heard this before and I have this on a card. If you'd like it after the meeting, you can let me know and I'll give you one. It says dear God I have no idea where I'm going as I do not see the road ahead of me and I do not know where it will end,

nor do I really know myself that I'm following your will. And the fact that I think that I'm following your will doesn't mean that I'm actually doing so. However, I believe this. I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you and I hope I have that desire and everything that I do. I hope I never persist in anything apart from that desire. I also believe that if I do this that you will leave me down the right Rd. though I may know nothing about it at the time. Therefore, I will trust you always,

and though I may seem to be lost in the shadow of death, I will not be afraid because I know that you will not leave me to face my troubles alone.

So. So that's what God's will is. It's kind of, I don't know. Most of the time I know it afterwards, you know, you'll hear in meetings. Sometimes it feels good. It must be God. I would watch out for that one,

but I do know what God's will for you if you are new and you're right at the third step. And by the way, you could do those three steps in an instant, you know, before this meeting is over, while the people are taking cakes up here tonight. I, I employ you to try to do it there,

but I do know what the next step is, is, and that's the 4th step. That's what God wants you to do. It's the fourth step. People say, oh, watch out for the four step. I say watch out for the people who tell you to watch out for the foresight. The 4th step is the medicine that we have here in Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's not a cure and you ain't going to do it right. I give you permission. I, my last name is Wilson. Good. You know, that's all I'm saying.

Give you permission to do this all wrong. I did it wrong.

The first one I did, I did it wrong. And when I say that, I mean that I didn't do it the way that the book said because I got the Hazleton guide and the new Hazleton guide and all this stuff. And, and when I brought it to my sponsor, he said there's a bunch of crap. You know, I wrote a life story, you know, I heard because I heard guys at a meeting. I've been doing my, I've been on my foster. I've been on my 4th step for six months. I got 87 pages, two sides, and I'm halfway done. You know,

that's like going to the dentist and say, oh, I got this toothache,

but you know, just take a little bit out today. Just pull it out a little bit and I'll come back next week. You know,

not that sucker out. Just pull that right now. Get it over and done with. It ain't going to be pretty either way, right? I give you permission to tell your sponsor that a guy named Wilson told you that you could do it wrong. Because no matter what you do, you know, you sponsor, that's his job. Her job is to find out something that you did wrong so you can do more stuff later. But all you got to do is write down the stuff that you know. Do you know who you're mad at?

Does anybody not know who you mad at? If you know who you mad at, do you know what they did? Write that stuff down. Now you got to have a sponsor though, because it gets in pretty more. It gets into depth a little bit there and it's really serious stuff. And that there's a third column and the 4th column, your part, the fear inventory. I would implore you, if you've done it a few of these before, do another one and concentrate on that fear inventory and then the sex inventory, or is it fear of sex? I'm not sure exactly what, but you get that stuff done.

Asked us to do it in an outline form. One of mine was my dad. I was upset with my dad. I was a resentful. I wasn't resentful at my dad. I was pissed, you know, And so I wrote down Dad. What? Friday Night Football. That's all I wrote down. But now I got a story when I'm sitting down and talk 'cause I went, didn't go and finish high school. So I don't know how to spell. My penmanship is awful. Now you want me to write a 87 page essay

with spelling check. You know without this is before spell checks, right? I don't, I'm not going to do it. I I'm not going to do it, but in an outline form, I can do that. My dad, Friday Night Football, when I sit down with you, I'm going to tell you what it's about

and step well. Then people say, well what about the stuff I don't remember? I say don't write that stuff down

because in the book it says more will be revealed, right? And more will be revealed. You'll hear a song, you'll smell a scent, you'll drive by a a store and, and, and part of your life will come back that you never thought about before. I hadn't thought about in a while. And it's OK because it doesn't mean that you didn't do good before.

It just means that you're not done. Then you take that stuff and you give it into and I'm going to go fast now you take that stuff that you wrote in the fourth step and you bring it to your sponsor and you sit down. You have a little pity party and you know, whatever, whatever happens there for however long it takes. And then step 6, there's nothing to do in step 6. There's no action words. If you conjugate and put it in present tense, it says this. I am ready to have God remove all these defects. It's a statement. And how did you get ready by

in the first five steps? What if you're not ready? Then you have to go back. How far? I don't know. Every individual is different, every situation is different. But you got to go back to you get to the point where you say I am ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Step 7 is ask him humbly, how long does that take? I'm ready.

I'll have the Taco, the soft tacos with the carnitas. I made the decision. I'm ready. I've did all my homework now I'm ready. Step 8 says we made a list of all the persons we had harmed, and then it says that we've already got the list 'cause we did it when we did the 4th step.

I've never seen that happen. They come and they're incomplete. But what do you do? You complete the list and it's not about people you don't like.

I don't go to Jeremy and say Jeremy, you know, I've never lied to.

I've always thought you were a pompous ass,

but now I'm getting close to believing in God and, and I'm sorry you're a pompous ass.

But if I felt that way about him and the rest of you, if I felt that way about him and as a result of that I broke a window or slashed his tires, now I owe him an amends. I need to change, which is amend. Amend means to change. Amends means to pay back reparations. It's not the same word. It's not the plural of I don't know why they did that. I guess that was Webster or somebody

or Shakespeare or somebody.

So you pay back the stuff that you owe, right? The guy says, well, Jesus, I don't want to pay him my money. I said good. He doesn't want,

you know, he doesn't want your money, he wants his.

So you make amends wherever possible except when to do so would engine them or others. I don't go to my life and say, geez, you know, your sister is better in bed or you know what I mean? I don't do, I just don't do that. I got to anyway. So we'll go from there. So step 10. So those are the things that you need to do to get to a point where you can live your life. We were standing out by the fire. And the deal is somebody said maybe Paul said, you know, I wanted to get close to the fire with Ruben, said I wanted to get close to the fire to feel the warmth. The steps are designed

to clear away the stuff that stands between you and God, who has all the power regardless of who you think you know, whoever, Buddha, Jehovah, I don't care. It doesn't matter a power greater than than me or yourself. And for me in the beginning, that was the group of Alcoholics Anonymous. This room is much more powerful than I am alone and I tend to my will in my life over to you guys. So

this it's clear away the stuff that stands between me and God and as a result of that I get the power back. Lack of power was our dilemma.

Dilemma. That's from Boston Lynn dilemma.

What's happened as a result of work in the step is that I have power today. I have the power to choose. I'm not cured of alcoholism, but I have the power to choose. And when I choose, I usually say no. Most often I say no.

Sometimes I said no, Shucks, no. But anyways,

so step 10 is just doing the things that are that I've done up to this point. And step 12 says having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message. What is the message? I think the message that I'm trying to carry tonight, and that's I'm sure some of the birthday people will too, all of them will, is that it works. It really does. It works. It really does. What works A a works. It really does. There's other ways to do it, other ways to get sober. Go punch a cop, you'll get sober.

And to practice these principles in all our affairs. Now, there's a tough part and there's a tough That's the thing. That's the thing that I struggle with

and berate myself all the time. Some of you who aren't so worried about me getting off of here realize that I went over past step 11 and the reason why I did that is because I like to end with step 11. Step 11, thought through prayer and meditation. Prayer, talking to God, meditation, listening to God to improve our conscious contact with God, praying only for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. I have one mouth and two ears. You know, it's Simply put that a lot of times prayer. I was raised Catholic.

I'm not a Catholic bastard by any, but I had to go to confession every week and we get 15 Hail Marys and 15 1/2. And I can say those sons, sons of nuns really fast. You know, America,

because I just wanted to get out of there, right? They meant nothing to me. And sometimes even when I prayed, I'd say, OK, God, give me this and I'd run off, you know, never waiting for the answer. Meditation is waiting for the answer

with sober many years before

and I realize that meditation, my meditation practice had improved that I could do 20-30 sometimes 50 seconds at a time. And

and I realized that I was lacking in something and, and I, and I, I, I almost said I perfected my meditation. I improved my meditation practice where it's a daily part of my life because again, I don't think God's up there waiting for Rick to check in.