The Primary Purpose group's annual convention in Oslo, Norway

Phil Dunlan. Exactly.

Hi, my name is Yvonne Sholty and I'm an alcoholic.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Is that the right?

All right, Good.

It's nice to be here, apparently I've been told.

Yeah, I snuck at English Foot.

I'm going to try my best, but

I'd like to again thank the committee for for having me out here. It's just been a really lovely weekend with you all.

And let's see what?

Let's see. We're OK actually.

Thank you so much.

Sorry, I'm actually adjusting to this right on my face. It's kind of an interesting thing, right? Yeah.

Anyway, I, if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, here's a great way to start. I'd like to welcome you. And I'm going to just just kind of loosen myself up for a minute. And I know that most of you were here last night. Yeah,

but for those of you who weren't I, I drank a lot.

An awful lot.

I drank away the most important thing to me in my life, which was my daughter, right? And and and and that that act was the thing that beat me into a state of reasonableness. Here's The funny thing about that, though.

I,

you know, for whoever wasn't here, I have to be careful with my arm gestures

for Hoover wasn't here. I was offered a deal to go into a facility and it was the only way I could get custody of my daughter back. And, and I went because I wanted custody of my daughter, but I didn't want to be sober. And I, I was only going to go for, I was only going to go for a little bit. In fact, I packed up my things when I was there for 90 days. It was a one year program.

I packed up my things when I was there for 90 days, and

it took me a little while to pack. And by the time I got into the kitchen, Child Protective Services was waiting for me.

And they told me that I was free to leave at any time, but I was not going to be taking my daughter with me. So I angrily stomped back up the stairs. And if you had asked me if I, you know, we have this, this phrase in, in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, if we're willing to go to any lengths, right? And I'm really grateful that my first sponsor didn't ask me if I was willing to go to any lengths.

No, I'm not.

I am not interested in anything Alcoholics Anonymous has to offer.

The truth is, I had no idea what Alcoholics Anonymous had to offer, what it looked like to me when I was new. Going to meetings

was lame, right? Like just

people kind of meeting and talking about their feelings and then not drinking and then apparently people were happy with not drinking. But I just, it was not appealing to me at all.

And I could see, you know, because I love to drink and drinking does it for me. But whenever I drink, you know, almost anything that's around me is going to be ingested, right? I could see that maybe, maybe I can't do anything illegal. But drinking, you know, when I was 21 years old and

in the US, that's when you're allowed to drink finally. I mean, who would get sober the year you're allowed to drink?

So I'm not, you know, I'm just, it's just going to be for a short period of time. So I had a really bad attitude about Alcoholics Anonymous and

and and I didn't like meetings at all. I didn't mind so much the part before and the part after.

It was just the during that I really hated

the meeting part.

And it just, you know, I just it, I never thought that it would look any different than that, nor did I really care because I'm not here for very long, right? I'm just,

I don't need you is what I thought. And, and I already described yesterday, but it just feels more comfortable to talk about it that, that. So I went through this treatment facility and I, I couldn't leave without giving up my daughter and I wasn't willing to give up my daughter, but I was going to get out. And then it was all over. In fact, I, I used to tell the ladies when they made us go to a couple of meetings a month, I would say

there is no point in making me go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous because I'm never going to go when I leave here.

And they would say I could do whatever I want once I leave, but while I'm there, I'm going to have to go to meetings. And I remember when I was in that detox, I,

I had such a bad attitude that they took a vote and told me that they decided that I was the, it's the superlative, the detox superlatives. I was the most likely to relapse

and and. And The thing is, is that wasn't an unkind thing to say. It was just true. I

I could have told them yes, because I don't even want to be sober. Like

I'm not. I wasn't ever trying. I didn't try ever to get sober. When my mother made me go to meetings growing up, I never tried. I never got a sponsor. I didn't know anything about steps. I was a year sober before I even under before I remember hearing the word Home group. I don't remember ever hearing anyone talk about that. And I don't know if it's because I didn't pay attention in meetings or because the meetings I went to,

people weren't active members of a Home group. I'm not sure, but but you know,

there I was. And and then as I said yesterday, I was 11 months sober and in the Lano Club and there was a flyer and there was a man that was going to be speaking and his name was Sandy Beach. And I had heard him before and I had liked him. I remembered that he was the only speaker I remember ever hearing. There aren't very many speaker meetings where I got sober,

so I asked permission to go to hear him speak that night. And it was the first time I've ever asked to go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I showed up that night and I'm sure Sandy gave a great talk because he's my favorite speaker, but I don't remember him at all. I just remember and, and to be clear, like I was 22 years old with 11 months of sobriety. I am almost out of treatment. I'm going to be out of treatment in three months

and I have zero interest instincts. I have no intention of staying sober. Once I leave,

I'm going to drink like a gentleman. It's going to be different now that I'm 21.

And so I, I walk into this room and there were about, it was about 200 people and they were young people, which was

interesting to me because I, I didn't know that young people got sober. It, it was a, you know, I'm so grateful that there were people around me that told me that I needed to be part of Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole, right? That I had to be in, I, I couldn't, I can't only go to women's meetings. I can't only I, I don't go to lawyers meetings, but some people like those kinds of things.

Same thing with young peoples. I need to be part of Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole,

but it was extremely

appealing to see a whole lot of young people that were really active and on fire with Alcoholics Anonymous. It was attractive to me, right? We have what's a program of attraction. And it was attractive to me to to see these kids. And you know, the other thing too is because I was young and, and I knew I didn't need Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't need to be sober. I knew what would solve my problem. And I said it last night, One was money,

that was the big one. But the the other thing was a boyfriend, right? I mean, obviously, and there were a lot of potential candidates at that meeting

that I went to, a lot of really cute young guys. In fact, when I think came the next week and got screened at my treatment facility to Take Me Out. I still make fun of him for that today.

But anyway, I, it was attractive and, and, and so I

found out where these kids went to meetings and, and that's kind of, you know,

you know, William and I were talking about it right before how crazy. And my, my best friend Kenna, who sponsors my daughter Caitlin, talks about this, the same idea of like one day we're drinkers and then one day we're sober. And it's crazy that we have that. And I've seen people,

I think a lot just in in the years that I've been sober, 24 years and nine months,

I have seen people have that grace that I was given. Right.

And embrace it and get active in Alcoholics Anonymous and then kind of slip away. And sometimes I remember seeing this, this woman, Christy Morales, I'll say her name now because she's dead. Do you remember her? Katrina? Did you ever see her? Irma? Yeah. This young lady, she was a she was a young lady. She was a lady. She came from Skid Row.

Are you familiar with that?

Is there a better word for it here?

Yeah. The rough streets, right? The roughest, roughest streets she came from. And it turns out actually she was raised in a in an affluent family. And. And when I discovered that when I met her parents who were who were quite well off, I the incongruity of that right, Because she didn't look like somebody who had been raised like she had lost that right, just living on the streets for so long that

the the kind of middle class or affluent veneer was gone. She was very St. and against all odds, this woman got sober and my group loved her because women like her don't get sober, right? And they loved her. And I remember when she had one year and and in my Home group, we take you celebrate. You get a a birthday cake on your on your anniversary. Not we don't do chips, we do birthday cakes. And when she came up to blah, her candles and and you go to

the podium for just a few seconds and you you thank everybody for keeping you sober. The room went wild, just wild for this woman.

And then a few months later, she started to, you know, her job started to get in the way of Alcoholics Anonymous, right? The good life that AA got her got in the way of AA. And she drank again. And then I remember sitting with her. We have a meeting on Friday night. In my group, the women have a meeting and the men have a meeting. And in the women's meeting, you raise your hand if if you're having a problem that you might drink over. And you say,

my name is Yvonne, I'm an alcoholic and,

you know, my husband died and I I'm thinking about taking a drink, right? And then a couple of women will share a solution that they have to that problem. And I remember this woman coming in Christy drunk and and she raised her hand and she said,

she said, I don't know how you get sober.

And I sat there thinking about it and I thought, I don't know. I know. Like once we're sober, I can share with you my experience, the actions my sponsor told me to take. And I guarantee that the actions will keep me sober because that's my experience. But what I don't know is how you have that moment of grace where one day you're a drinker and then one day you're sober.

And sometimes we see women like Christie and, and men, we see our fellow Alcoholics lose that grace

and never get that opportunity again, you know, and she died shortly afterwards in the most tragic, terrible way, matter of fact. But you know, but I, I had that grace and I didn't know it, right? I didn't want it. I wasn't interested in it. But I had that grace. And, and if you would ask me again, if I was willing, I would have said, no, I'm not, I'm not. I'm not interested in this.

And yet I started to show up to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous

and then I would show up the next night and I would show up the next night and I would show up the next night. And then I told you that this mean young lady appointed herself as my sponsor and, and I needed her. I didn't want her to sponsor me at all. And she was,

it's like God puts the right person. You know, it's funny. This is one of those things like I have this

this deep respect for sponsorship and when someone comes to me and says my sponsor is telling me to do XY and Z,

I don't say what? What did they tell you? Never. I mean this would never happen, but if they said my sponsor wants me to drink beer,

what? I mean, I'm not being ridiculous about it, but sometimes

the way new people hear things can be interesting, right?

And I'm so grateful because some of the things my sponsor told me to do, like like I shared, like she wanted me to go to a meeting every day. And, and, and I tried to explain I couldn't go to a meeting every day because I had a 2 year old. And I can tell you that a 2 year old does not belong in a meeting every day, right? So

my Home group that I started to go to, the closest meeting to me was 38 miles.

Once in the do you guys know that miles? I don't know, kilometer. Anyway, the closest you know it's 40 miles one way. So Long story short, most nights I get home at 11:00 at night and that's when the baby goes to bed, right? Not a good life for a baby. That's not what you should do. Any reasonable, sane adult would have said you can't have your meeting your baby in a meeting every night.

And yet

my sponsor, Marian, who died

six or 7-8 years ago, used to say

that you get the right direction from the person. Like she would say, sometimes I would have never given you that direction, but it must have been the direction you were supposed to get because that's the direction you got, right? And I think in looking back that somebody like me needed that structure that even though like Bill writes in our traditions, sometimes the good is the enemy of the best, right? Not a good life for a child,

but the alternative was worse, right? If I drink with her again, the kind of life that we would have had would have been tragic. Terrible.

You know, most of us in this room know the kind of life I live with that little girl. And so anything, anything sober was infinitely better than that. So my sponsor gave me, you know, weird direction. You'll go to a meeting every night. And, and so I started to go to a meeting every night and, and I told you, I told you yesterday that

that so when we moved out of that treatment facility and I, I have that sponsor now and I'm going to a meeting every night,

but I, I tell my sponsor as little as possible, right? Like

anything I want to do, she's going to think is a bad idea. I already know that, so

I just avoid certain topics.

My sponsor thought everything was her business and I didn't agree with that, right? I also wouldn't tell her that either because she scared me. So I just kind of kept a secret. See, there were a lot of things like, you know, I already shared yesterday that I So we're living in the projects where

living on welfare there is it's hard. It's, it's very hard to get by and,

and so I, I know how to make money. So I go to work for an escort service. And then it isn't just that either. It's, it's like, not only am I now I'm making money and it's not bad money actually, but I can't seem to hold on to it, right? Nothing on the outside changes. And then now I'm shoplifting also, right? And it's the weirdest thing. Like, so I have cash now to buy stuff, but I'm in a store and I see something I want and I can slip it in my purse. I'll slip it

verse or like I'm in the doctor's offices stealing bandages when they like just weird. You know I don't need it Pens, pens, right, I'll steal pens from everywhere. It's just a, it's

a, it's a void, right? I'm trying to fill a void and I think that things are going to fill that void and I'm going to feel OK. And it, it's, it never works, of course. And I'll talk about later.

You know that that void being a step six and seven problem, right? I cannot,

I cannot ever get the supply to meet the demand ever. It isn't possible. I need God to decrease the demand to meet the supply. That's how that always works. But when I'm new, I don't know that I think that something outside of me is going to fix me. So I'm looking for all kinds of things to fix me and and in my life became a disaster

at 18 months of sobriety. I want to drink and not just I want to I didn't want to drink. I wanted to die. I knew I was going to drink. I knew it was inevitable. I never had the thought I want to drink. I had the thought by a gun, right? That's, you know,

I and, and that's when I finally surrendered to my sponsor and it was like I, I said this yesterday, I didn't trust her. I really, I really didn't trust my sponsor and.

I hate to be unkind, but

she wasn't

that smart, right?

The thing about that, though, is that Alcoholics Anonymous is not a program of intelligence, right?

In fact, Clancy has something he says about like, the the more intelligent you are, the harder it is to get sober, right? You know, because I'm, I want to be logical about this. I remember being new and looking, I'm, I'm like turning around to look at the steps, right? Looking at the steps and thinking like whatever, like

come on, like that's so hokey. What, what is that going to do about my life? Like it made zero sense to me that I mean, maybe a maybe a dumb person, right? Somebody who, who buys into church, for example, like someone like my mother who has faith, they can be anesthetized by this step stuff, right? But smart people we don't.

You know it just.

Yeah, so,

so I didn't trust my sponsor. And not just not just because I didn't trust her as a human, and that was true also, but I also didn't trust that she was smart enough to direct my life. And by the time I'm 18 months sober and I want to check out of life, it didn't matter, right? I didn't have to trust my sponsor. I just knew she couldn't do a worse job with my life than I was doing, right. That's that's the thing. And I surrendered to her. And it was almost like a game, like I'm going to give

everything to my sponsor, like everything, everything. I'm going to tell her everything about the way I think, which I never shared with anybody because it was crazy, right? What happened in here was so insane, I was scared to share it. I'm so glad an Alcoholic's Anonymous you. I wish I could think of some crazy thought right now that I had, because if, whatever it is, I was thinking, if I said it out loud in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous,

the reaction would be the laughter of identification,

right? That's it. And I'm so afraid that I'm, I'm worse in here that I'm afraid to tell anybody. And now I don't have any other answer. So I'm willing to tell her everything. And, and The thing is, is, is, is I surrendered to her direction and I stopped treating Alcoholics Anonymous like an extracurricular activity. I just, I gave her everything and said you do what you want with it and I'll follow it.

And the idea was not totally formulated, but kind of the idea in the back of my mind was if this doesn't get better, there's always lights out, right? Because I don't know,

at 18 months of sobriety, I knew I shouldn't drink again, that it would not be good. I understood that,

but I also couldn't stay sober the way that I was either, and so checking out seemed like the best option for that. You know our book talks about the jumping off place, right?

He can't imagine life with alcohol or life without alcohol.

So there I am, and I surrender it to my sponsor. And The thing is, is that action of surrender is the thing that changed it. I knew so much. I was so smart, and yet my life was a complete disaster. And and when I got to a place where I realized I don't know anything about how to be happy, that's what I really wanted, was happy like I wanted. I don't think I ever believed that I would feel joy, but

but I just, I, no, I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin is what I wanted.

And I just, I never, I always felt like I'm pretending. And so, you know, I, I turn myself over to my sponsor and, and she starts to direct me and she gets me. I mean, she was already getting me really busy, but now she's really getting me busy and Alcoholics Anonymous because I'm I'm I'll do anything that she asked me to do anything.

And and I already told you the thing about that's where she finally took the opportunity because

because I was so I'm always laughing at myself. But because it's so ridiculous in there.

We need a big flashlight

because everything was so hard, right? Life hurts so much. And when she told me to stop sharing it with people, like, it's funny because sometimes I'll tell it to people. Like, I'll tell someone who you know, someone who might get somewhere around the place that I was at. And I'll say, no, don't tell people how you are anymore. And they're like, aren't we supposed to be rigorously honest? And I'm like in your Case, No.

And you know, I didn't like,

I surrendered to the direction so I was willing to follow it. I'm not going to tell people how I am anymore. So there's no more self pity. Gross

rants anymore and I'm gonna smile and pretend I'm happy. But I thought I was doing something for you like that My sponsor was being mean to me and being nice to you all by not allowing me to do that. I didn't know that what she was asking me to do was for me.

And, and like I said yesterday, I don't. I started to pretend I was happy. I started telling, stopped, stopped telling people how I was,

and at some point I became a joyful person. I really did like. I felt filled with joy and

and it it's remained that way since. And it doesn't mean I've gone through periods of time where where things have been rough. My mother dying was brutal, absolutely brutal. And yet while I was in pain the whole time, I knew I wouldn't always hurt. I knew time and God right? Time and God that everything would be OK

so I want to talk a little bit about

about my process with the steps and with

with how I found God. If you

heard me yesterday, you know I was 11 I was raised Roman Catholic very devout believing in God and when I was 11 years old a lot of terrible things happened around me and to me and I lost that connection to God. So when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous 10 years later 21 years old, I was

a true agnostic. I wasn't sure I was not atheist. I couldn't be 100% sure there was number God, but I couldn't feel God and I didn't believe like I met lots of people and Alcoholics Anonymous who had faith in God and I believed you had that, but I didn't know any way that I could get it right. And so,

so I just, you know, I just, I didn't know how that would ever be different. And one thing that my sponsor asked me to do, of course, was to get on my knees and pray. And my first reaction to that was like knees, like,

come on. Like, first of all, it's irrelevant what position my body is in. God doesn't care right? If there is a God

and and two, when I would try to pray,

I felt like a chump, like all I could do. I'm alone in my room and I care that I look stupid.

I'm on my knees talking to air, feeling like an idiot. And so I would stop because I felt stupid alone, right? And The thing is, I, I, I recognize later in case I forget to come back to it, Of course doesn't. God doesn't care what position my body is in. It's for me. The act of being on my knees is an act of humility for me.

That is what I'm looking for. For the through the 12 steps is humility.

And so now I understand, see it was the rationalization. I was so rational, I couldn't understand anything. And this whole idea of not being willing to pray is again a lack of humility because I learned even after I surrendered to my sponsor, I surrendered everything except prayer. It was the one thing I wouldn't surrender. And the thing about it is, is, is that the act of prayer is also an act of humility, just like the act of following

that makes no sense. It's an act of humility. And I, I get great results from acts of humility. And I know that because I have enough experience now where I can see that. And yet, and yet, as Bill writes in the 12 and 12 and the 12 step, I was seized with a stubbornness, right? And I, I could not, I could not do it. So. So I get to Alcoholics Anonymous with this aloof attitude or ambivalent feeling about God, whether he exists or not.

And I also get here,

umm, not wanting what you have and not really thinking that I'm an alcoholic. You know, at the very end, I got in trouble because of a combination of alcohol and right. And, and I remember, I remember walking into my treatment facility took us to a closed meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous one day. And, and it was one of those ones where you raise your hand to share.

And,

and I had a lot to say always. And I raised my hand to share. And I remember I shared as Yvonne and something other than alcoholic, right? And the woman interrupted me, who was leading the meeting, as she should have, because I was in a closed meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous where only alcohol, in fact, in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, only Alcoholics participate.

That's our tradition. So she interrupted me and she asked me if I was an alcoholic and I said no, I don't even drink.

And it was true at that moment, right?

And the truth is, when I looked at it later, I could recognize that maybe, maybe, maybe I can't ever do anything else because, you know, it's a quick dissent. But I'm not going to give up drinking, you know, drinking like everybody drinks you. I don't have to give up drinking. I just have to give up losing control, right? And so you know, that woman, that mean

young lady who appointed herself as my sponsor, made me write an inventory. And at the time I did that inventory, I didn't even believe I was an alcoholic. And I'm grateful for this. And I remember hearing Johnny H from Bellflower share about this. So I did my 4th step and my fifth step. And it was in the process of my fifth step that I did steps 1-2 and three, because it was writing out the inventory that I saw long before I was introduced to anything else.

Look, here's the truth of it.

When I was almost 18 years old and I went, I had left home to go to college. And I'm going from Fairfax, VA, to New York University, right? I'm going to study acting at New York University. And a semester later, I'm not in school anymore, and instead I'm a stripper.

I have not even had a drug yet. I gave up all of that to drink, right? Because my drinking got in the way of my education

or my education got in the way of my drinking

and dancing gave me the money to drink the way I wanted to. And nobody there cared how much I drank. So I drank away my life long before anything else was introduced. And it was in, in, in the inventory process that that I had to recognize that, that I was a garden variety alcoholic. So I knew I was an alcoholic. And I'll tell you something else after that fifth step,

because

I was always a legend in my own mind, right? I knew when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, you guys came here drinking a little red wine, right?

You weren't like bad like I was right now.

I got sober at 21, right? How bad was I? I didn't last very long, but

but again, I was a legend in my own mind. So

so when I got to Alcoholics times and when my sponsor, when I recognized finally that OK, yes, I'm alcoholic. I'm alcoholic because when I pick up a drink, I can't control how much I drink or when I'm going to stop. All right, I'm alcoholic, but I'm not only an alcoholic, I'm an alcoholic and something else because you guys got here on red wine. You know I'm,

I'm batter, right? I'm different.

And she didn't ask me to stop. I was the only one in my meetings identifying that way. Of course I was right. She didn't tell me to stop doing that. She gave me a tape. We had tapes back then. She gave me a tape of Johnny from Bellflower. She told me to go home and play it, and I played it. And what I heard him say was that as long as he was an alcoholic and something else, that he was different from you

and that the program that worked for you might not work for him. And when I heard him say that, I knew. I knew. That's why I was identifying as that, right? To let you know that while you guys got here drinking a little like I was tough, right? So,

and, and by the time I did my inventory, I was in Alcoholics Anonymous long enough to, to be attracted to what was happening here. And so from that day till this, I've only, I'm just a garden variety alcoholic. That's it. I'm just, it's so funny today because I, I can't even think of myself in it. I am a garden variety alcoholic. It's not something I say. It's something I know to my innermost being. So, you know, I do that in my my sponsor gets me

gets me busy

new people and with with commitments and made-up commitments. When I can't get commitments, I'm just all over the place, you know, learning to be of service and Alcoholics Anonymous and my sponsor, like I'm somebody that if you come to my Home group, I have like

Irma can tell you, I have like many, many commitments. There's lots of things that I have my fingers in and it isn't because I'm a good person, right?

My sponsor got it in my head when I was pretty new. Like I'm somebody. My head is very loud. It talks to me all the time, very busy. And it's never nice. It's always how terrible I am, how different I am. I'll never be like you. It's it's constant.

And my sponsor said the louder my head is, the more work I have to do.

And it seemed like she was right in the sense that the more service I did, the more I did for others, the better off I felt. And even better if it was things that nobody knew about, right? Like, you know, like a like here, like whoever baked the cakes and brought them in, I didn't get to see who baked the cake. So you get humility for that, right? You just

maybe some people here know who baked the cakes, but we know who cut them.

It was great cutting. Matter of fact. Where's Alex is here anyway?

And so I got, I got very, very busy in Alcoholics Anonymous and it and it gave me relief. But so things kind of progressed along that way. But my sponsor at that time had never been beyond the 5th step. So I was not beyond the 5th. You know, we just kind of stopped there

and, and the concept we had was

was that you make amends by living differently, right, Which is important. It is important to live differently.

But where I got sober, there was a man who used to say, umm, he would say, he would say when we, when we amend the Constitution, we don't apologize to it, we change it, right. And when I was new, I would think, yeah, that's right, That's right. Except for the the word amend is different from the word amends in the dictionary. They have two different definitions. In fact, the word amends is both singular and plural. I make UN amends and I make plural

ends, right? It's the same thing. I don't make unamend and the word amends the dictionaries to make direct restitution, right. And so yes, I have to live differently. But what I needed to learn eventually was that I also have to right the wrongs I did. But we weren't there yet because my sponsor wasn't there yet. And, and like I said, I had no relationship with God and,

and it was the one thing that I wouldn't do. And when I was 2 1/2 years sober, I flew from the DC area to Southern California to go to a conference, an A conference out there in Southern California. And we had, we had been going, my Home group had been going to.

So in the DC area, there's not very many speaker meetings, as I said, but there are many conferences within a six to eight hour drive, right. And I have a feeling that you guys are like this too, right. So we have the Lithuanians here because there's a conference this weekend. Yep,

if there was a conference within an 8 hour drive, we'd we'd pack up a bunch of cars and run a couple of hotel rooms and just put bodies everywhere and just go and, and we would listen to. I remember just when I was new, like I said, I still hated meetings. The the meeting part I liked the before and the after, but the meeting part I didn't like. And then the first time we got packed into a car and drove somewhere and I heard, I can't even remember who my first speaker was. It was like Johnny or it was Clancy,

Sharon or it was Tom Ivester. And I remember just feeling like a

like full right, like satiated, like, what is this? You know, I, it was the first time it was and hearing people share their experience in getting sober and in staying sober that I started to, to fall in love with Alcoholics Anonymous. And then I was like, I was, I had no money that I would get tapes whenever I could. And

and my car didn't have, I had a car that a church donated to me.

I still remember it was a powder blue 1978 Honda CVCC Civic, Civic, I think. Yeah. And it had no tape deck. But my daughter had a little Fisher Price tape recorder. And I would put that in the console and I'd have to turn it up as loud as I could because the car was so loud. It was a stick shift. And I would put the tapes in there. And I remember like going.

When I was about 18 months sober, a bunch of people in my group, there was an icky paw in

in Hawaii. Now I live in the projects. I have no money. I'm not going to Hawaii. And then somebody bought me a ticket to go to Hawaii with them and, and my mom watched my daughter while I went that weekend and they invited me to stay in the hotel room with them. And then some other woman took me on a side trip to Kauai. And I couldn't even believe it. And I remember hearing Bobby Coyle from Philly that weekend and I bought his tape. My mom gave me some money that weekend

and I bought his tape. And if you got in my car, you had to listen to Bobby.

And I started fall in love with Alcoholics honest. And when I was 2 1/2 years sober, we went to, it was an icky pawn Anaheim. And a bunch of us went out a few days early because going to those conferences, I kept hearing all these speakers from the Pacific group. I mean, I heard speakers from other groups too, but there were so many from the Pacific group. And I thought, what kind of a speaker factor is this?

So weird

and I remember about eighty of us went that night and and in my Home group. If you come visit,

there's a part where they ask if, if you're out of state and you're visiting to stand up and introduce yourself. And we'd love to know who you are so we can say hi to you at the break. And, and, and I remember how fun it was that night because it was 123480 people were all from the same Home group and, and everybody was cracking up and, and it was so funny. But, but the most important thing is I remember walking in there and thinking,

I love this, like this meeting, like walking into a meeting with, I think there were maybe like 800 people there at the time. And I loved the energy of that room. And I was like, I want to move here and be part of this. Like I love that. And then I, after that, when I went to the conference that weekend and after that weekend, I, I got on the airplane and, and,

and here's the thing, I,

I got really distracted that weekend with a boy.

He was paying a lot of attention to me on Thursday, but not on Saturday,

and so by Sunday I was obsessed.

And

we were on a layover in Houston and I was paying attention to him and her

and I was not paying attention to myself. And, and when I stood up really quickly, I had my backpack on and it, it fell off and my arm jerked up. And I had, you know, those like boarding passes used to be hard, kind of like card stock paper. I jerked it up and I clipped off some cornea for my eye. Sorry, it's really nasty. And, and I just thought, you know, when you poke yourself in the eye, it hurts really bad, but it it goes away in a short period of time.

And so I got on the airplane. I mean, what else was I going to do? But I thought, you know, it was stinging, but I thought it's because I hit myself in the eye. I thought it was going to stop. I didn't realize I had literally clipped off cornea. And by the time we got to DC,

I was dying. I was dying the whole way. I remember the flight attendant felt so terrible for me. There was, I just couldn't, if, if you've ever gotten something in your eye or cut your cornea, you know how bad it is. It was, it was horrible. And so I, I go to the emergency room as soon as I get off the airplane

and, and they tell me what happened and they said not a big deal. You know, corneal tissue is the fastest reproducing cell in the body.

You know, three days it'll be totally recovered, except it didn't recover, it didn't grow back. And, and what happened is the, the whole kept expanding wider and wider. And what happens when, when that happens is that we don't have blood vessels in our cornea, but they will grow in there to try to heal it.

And as they grow in, they blind you, right, because they scar the cornea as they go through it. So, so over the next couple of months, I'm getting blinder and blinder and blinder and it also won't heal. And, and so I'm in excruciating nonstop pain