The Fellowship of the Spirit in Bayside, Queens, NY

Back in 2002 or three, and, you know, we got to know each other a little bit. And then I didn't see you for a couple years. And then I, I was at a meeting and I spoke at an anniversary. And then Donna spoke at the anniversary. And, and that's how, that's what the fellowship of the Spirit is. When I saw her, I knew where I heard the message and I was here and, and it's definitely different, you know, and it's a bond and it's a fellowship and it's God's grace. So today

speaker is from our father's house in Brooklyn is Donna Jay.

Hi, I'm Donna. I am a member of Al Anon and I'm also an alcoholic.

There are #1 I, I didn't think that I was an Al Anon. I had been in A since 2000. And there's a woman here that I want to thank for taking me through the work. When I first came into a A, that's Loretta and her husband Sydney, and they were able to let me see the problem about my alcoholism and the fact that I was perilous over alcohol.

I had always had the gift of willingness. I was willing to go to any length. I remember I was sitting in a treatment facility and on my weekend passes I was going up to a big book workshop in Harlem that they were facilitating. And I understood my problem with alcohol and they guided me to

my relationship with God. And I had been in a, in a, in a, and I actually was facilitating a few workshops of my own and working with others in my 7th year of AA. The unmanageability had come back, and

it was the kind of unmanaged ability that Chris S had mentioned. It was a lot of fear, it was a lot of anxiety. It was a lot of anger. It was a lot of depression. I had got into a relationship with a man who I thought was the love of my life. I still to this stage who love this man, but I was very delusional. I had been. I felt like I was very sick in the rooms. I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody about how I was

showing up in life.

I remember even working with other women and the obsessive thought about this man was so powerful and loud in my head that as I was reading the big book working with women, my mind kept shifting to where? Where is he going? And I see how that kind of thinking was blocking me off from God and blocking me off from really helping other people. I did a lot of the insanity that a lot of Al Anon's do. And

you know, since I've been here today, it's like, well, why didn't I just go through the work with an A sponsor? But my experience was different. I remember I was at a big book meeting on the East side Yahoos and a gentleman said, well, what is your Al Anon sponsor say?

And I had never thought of that. And the blessing was that there was number thinking that that's insane. Why would I go to an Al Anon sponsor? But it just felt right. It gave me some peace and comfort. And so I remember going home that night and I called up Peter M and I called up Tom. And because I had heard Jenny share here at one of the fellowships of the Spirit years ago,

and I knew that there were women in Al Anon that were working with other women with codependency issues

big time through the Big Book. And so I called up Peter, called up Tom, and they gave me the name of two women, Ginny, and my dear friend,

another spiritual teacher, and my sponsor, Will Reign. And I spoke to both of them. And I didn't know who I was going to work with. And I just sat with it and I was guided to work with Lorraine. Now, I was living in Harlem at the time and I really haven't even touched on some of the insane behavior. But because of the unmanageability, the way the insanity was showing up in my life,

I was very manipulative. I was very controlling. I wanted this guy to love me the way I wanted him to love me. I was such a Snoop and a fucking sneaky bitch.

I found the password to his computer. I found the pass code to his cell phone.

I needed to know where he was so I could be OK. I walked around with the cell phone in my hand just in case he called.

I would break off relationships with other people if they wanted to do something with me because if he called I would drop you like a hot potato. I hijacked his friends and I was so sneaky. I would call up his friends just so I could find out what he was up to. I have since made amends to his friends because number one, it was none of my business to share his behavior with his friends. If he wanted his friends to see him a certain way than that was his right. It wasn't for me to expose

and I went back and and made amends for that.

The insanity was off the hook. There was a time that I was really afraid of the computer.

The computer had so much power over me because I was so drawn to it by looking at emails. Because in my delusional mind, I thought that if I just found more proof that he was being dishonest than I could leave.

But all I was doing was turning the knife deeper and deeper in my heart because I didn't have the power to leave.

There were a few times that I thought anger would get me to let go. And I remember packing his stuff up. See, I had him move in with me because I didn't want anybody else to have him.

He moved in with me. I thought that I could support both of us because he's a creative person and his salary wasn't steady. So I put myself in debt.

I could not see the truth. There was nobody that I knew and an AA at the time who understood the problem. So I didn't know what to do with it. So I was kind of like trying to figure this out on myself. I figured I'd, you know, if I would got angry enough, I could leave and, and, and see the thing with anger with me. Anger gives me power, but it doesn't last because once the, once I'm stopped being angry, then I become fearful

because Oh my God, now he is going to leave me.

I remember I had packed up his stuff in anger and he called and said something to me and like a good Alan, I went and repacked the stuff back, back in the in the in the in the drawers.

It wasn't until I remember he had changed the password on his computer and I could no longer Snoop. And I started to get panicky and the password on his computer was the year that he had gotten married. And I swear I was so hysterical. I said, OK, well, let me find out. Let me go on the marriage website and, and, and what year did he get married? And, and I and all of a sudden it hit me that I was out of control. I couldn't stop the same way I couldn't stop

thinking.

And so I met with Lorraine and I was living in Harlem and she lives in Staten Island. And again, I was willing to go to any length. I was jumping on that #2 train and jumping on that ferry every Saturday.

If she had told me that I was,

if I

I was not going to do this work, if it meant leaving him, because at the time I couldn't imagine my life without him. I thought that if I didn't have him in my life, I was going to die.

And she had me write this in the cover of the book.

When will I start getting better? When I stop talking about him and start talking about me.

And so I wasn't going through the work to have the power to leave because I didn't know what God wanted of me and all of this. I just knew I was doing this work to find out my truth and how it works. It says we must let go of these old ideals. Absolutely, or the result was nil. And I had to see what these ideals were about me. The most amazing thing started to happen. See, because I knew how sick he was,

but I as I started going through the first step, I realized that it was not about him, it was about me.

And I started to see what it was like living with someone like me. And all of a sudden I started to have compassion for him because I realized that every conversation that I had with him was like an inquisition.

Every time I had a conversation, I would cry so he could have pity on me. When I did inventory, I started to see that there was a certain behaviors that that I, I had as a child that I was doing with this man. Like I wanted you to see how you were making me feel. And so when I would eat, I mean, they're not going to be able to see this on the tape, but I would eat like, like I was real small, like,

like I, I,

I would put myself in this little, little, little tiny place and hope that you were watching me so that you can feel bad about how I felt. And I realized that I used to do that as a kid with my mom and my dad. And I started to see a lot of truth. My faith and my belief in God gets bigger and bigger every time I do this work because I see the things that I need to see that I can't see on my own.

And so I'm, I'm doing, I'm on the first step and I realize that this is not about this other person. It was about me and how I knew that I was powerless. I was powerless over over controlling. I couldn't stop controlling. I couldn't stop obsessing, and I couldn't stop manipulating.

The fact is that most al anons, for reason yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in their thinking. Our so-called willpower becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We were without defense against the first obsessive thought. That was me.

But the actual or potential Al Anon, with hardly an exception, will be absolutely unable to stop their behavior of obsessing, of being fearful and manipulating and controlling on the basis of self knowledge.

I was able to really see that working with a woman in Al Anon. Like I said, I could have gone through the work with somebody in AA, but it was real important that I went through the work with somebody who had recovered from this, who understood the insanity that could match their insane behavior with mine, that can be across the table from me and not judge me. And I got hope when I was with this woman. I didn't feel shame

when I did my 4th step. And of course I had the reasons why I was angry at this person. I had like 30 reasons. I mean, it took me forever to write inventory. And I remember I with inventory, I, I, I like to continue to write because I feel very uncomfortable when I don't write inventory. So I, I don't need to be prompted. I don't like the uncomfortability. And I remember I was sitting on Lenox Ave. There's a bench like on 127th St. And

maybe it's just how sick I was, but I had my inventory in a bright orange binder

and I'm sitting on the middle of Lenox Ave. with traffic going back and forth just writing inventory. And the thing that really amazed me is that principles really never came up on my list when I did inventory the four of the times I went through the work. But this time forgiveness principles came up on one in particular was forgiveness. I had a big resentment against forgiveness and I and I realized because I didn't want to forgive him for hurting me, because I didn't want to let him off the hook.

And I was so afraid of letting go of this person because I was so afraid to find doubt that he wasn't the problem. I was.

I had one of the most deepest experience doing the work with Lorraine. I got a chance to see that I still didn't think I was enough.

I got a chance to see that I still still didn't know myself Worth.

Now that I'm out of that relationship, I can honestly say that I was begging this man to treat me right,

being on my knees crying, holding on to his leg like I was a freaking dog. Don't leave, don't leave. And I was coming to a A,

I wasn't drinking.

I was still working with others. That was so important to work with others. I was working with Alcoholics at the time. But it's amazing that God is sending me al anons to work with. I'm even working with women that are not an al Anon that are in other codependency fellowships.

All of a sudden, as I'm doing this work,

what started to happen? There was a transformation in and through me where all of a sudden that this person hadn't changed, but I was beginning to change in spite of me. I was beginning to change all of a sudden that my interest became more paramount than what he was doing. I remember when he couldn't spend the night, the whole night, he would say, well, you know, I got to leave. Prior to this, my head, my thought, my whole body would have been

quaking and thinking where's he going? Who's he going to be with? Now all of a sudden was like, oh great, I can get up early and go to the gym.

When did that happen?

The day that I knew that I

I didn't know I got to continue start over. I the day that I

let go,

I was working with a woman in in AA and I was reading bills story and I had never read bills story quite like this. I just felt like I was so attached to the story and it was like I wasn't even present reading it. And I stopped reading and I started crying and I'm like, you don't may not understand this, but I've never been so

awakened to what I'm doing with you right now. And, and later on that day, I went to a meeting at a sponses house and I walked and there was a lot of untreated alcoholism in the room and people had a lot of time and, and I prayed because, you know, I didn't want to walk in there with an eagle like, well, this is what I'm doing in AA and let me tell you.

And, and so I didn't want any of that. So I stayed in prayer. And again, I felt like I was sharing and and I didn't feel present in sharing.

So as I was leaving, I said, well, let me call this person. And when I called, I got his voicemail. Now, most of the time when I would get his voicemail, Oh my God, where's he at? What's he doing? Oh my God. And this time

that that thought starred to bubble up, but I was able to pray through what I got something to eat went home. There was no insanity. And so I went and I was went on my computer because I had some work to do. By this time, the obsession

to check his e-mail had often have had also been lifted. And I said, well, let me just go look at my my Gmail account. Well, his Gmail account was open because he had been with me that day. And it wasn't that my motive was to look to see, oh, what's doing, but it was just like I was just I don't know. It just seemed a natural thing. And I looked and I saw an e-mail,

and it was an e-mail exchange between him and another woman who he said he was not in a relationship with while he was with me.

And that e-mail proved that he had not been telling the truth. But for the first time, I didn't feel like I was going to die. Of course, it felt like, like somebody hit me in my stomach, like, oh, but I was kind of waiting for that feeling of, of death. And it didn't come. And I knew that I was done.

I was able to go to this person and I waited until I saw them in person and I went to them. And of course, you know, he did what he always did. He would, you know, flip it and say, well, what were you doing snooping? And, and, and I was OK with that because I knew that that's the best that he can, he can do.

But the most amazing thing for me, when I get, when I feel these,

these awakenings in my heart for the first time, it, it, I felt that this man never had the capacity to love me

because even knowing what I found out and how I was feeling, he didn't have the capacity to care about my feelings. And I got it after so many years of trying to control it and, and manipulate my way through this and obsessing about what I wasn't getting,

I knew that I was done. I knew that I, as a child of God, I was enough. And I wasn't angry. I prayed for him. I prayed for the other woman. I mean, there was one day that I was, I had a bit of anger and, and, and I remember texting him all the things that I had done to be, to be there for him, But that didn't last. And I prayed, I prayed, I prayed. And eventually,

you know, it, it, it, it left.

He still has a very, very special place in my heart.

I don't see this person anymore and that's OK. I wish him all the best.

I realized that I didn't know.

I remembered Lorraine said Donna, your God has to become bigger. And, and I knew that, you know, I, you know, I take that third step, but I realized that I had been bartering with God. I, I wasn't totally

ready to have him.

I wasn't ready to give him everything because I thought that this is what I had to have. And I I remember getting on my knees and and asking God to forgive me because I was not giving him everything.

I'm so grateful that I had the willingness to do this.

You know, right now I'm in a relationship. It's not a perfect relationship. I'm going through a lot of challenges, financial challenges. But the most amazing thing is that I'm OK even though I'm not OK.

You know, I,

I reacquainted myself with my sponsor. I had had not talked to her for a while. And, you know, I realized the importance of, of doing inventory and, and, and

reading inventory with people that you're close to. It's so easy to read inventory to people that don't know me. But I want people to know me to know what's going on honestly. And because it's about, you know, Lorraine used to tell me this is about crushing my ego in, in tiny pieces. So it's hard to rebuild.

I am

was working with some women in Ireland through Skype. See the amazing thing is is you know when when God's ready for you to to be a a messenger, you know, he'll send you the people and I know for them. I was like Lorraine was for me, somebody who can identify with the insanity because people that have codependency issues, we do some

crazy things.

And for me, I can give them hope because they see me today and it's like, no, Donna, you don't. You don't appear

that you were that insane. And, and I and I and I really was and had no clue what was going on. So I think it's a blessing anytime there's an Al Anon speaker at an A A workshop because since I've gone through the work for Al Anon, I know a number of women in a A who have also followed this path. And I think it's a wonderful opportunity,

at least it was, for me to,

to do the work this way. So I I don't know if it's been an hour or what, but thank you for allowing me to share my story.