The 23rd annual convention in Birmingham, UK

OK. Our next speaker is Richard Eve, who will share about 4045 minutes. Welcome Richard.

Good afternoon everybody. My name is Richard. I'm grateful. Recovered addict, but I don't say that from a place of ego because that's just how it is today. I've recovered from the seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Not only have I recovered, but my friends, family, acquaintances and everybody that was around me has recovered from a hopeless state of Richard.

I'm not an addict to come here to get my life back. I just simply have one. Didn't have one who stripped me of everything worthwhile in life.

So if you come in with a job, girlfriend, car, kids, family, you're all welcome. You know, the only requirement here is a desire to stop. So you don't have to have done the things that I've done. You don't have to have used like I used. You don't have to have had the same consequences I did,

usually at some point in my share what I say is this right? If you want to know how recovered I am, don't ask me. I'm a liar. Ask my girlfriend, right? I'm not going to say that today because I forgot it was our anniversary yesterday and she will annihilate me if you ask her what I'm like.

So I ain't going to be saying that today. OK,

a cocaine anonymous absolutely broken. First off, and I'm not yet to say other fellowships. I went into a a meeting and I, I stood outside this meeting and this woman come out to me and she said, you all right, love? We're not really. No, I'm sticking needles in myself. I'm smoking crack cocaine on my 120 mil methadone, diazepam, cipramil, olanzapine, Prozac. I got the old pill chasing me. I can't stop sticking needles in myself. And she said, well, at least you haven't had a drink, love.

I thought I'm in the wrong place here.

Do you know what What I've learnt about Cocaine Anonymous is this and what I've learnt about standing here and doing this is this. It's very easy that you stand up here and talk about a spiritual program of action, but this is about what I do out there and the people around me not have back what I do here. One of the greatest bits of information I was given, it was about watch what people do, not what they say

because it's easy for me to stand up here all spiritual. And I'll give an example that I'm sitting in a meeting one day, right? There's this geezer, he's about 37 years so but he very rarely says anything. It's one that means we've got to raise your hands. And he never speaks. And all of a sudden at the back of the meeting, he put his hand up and everyone looks at him and he went hello, Tom, recovered alcoholic. Did you know that I

is in the word illness and we is in the word Well? Thank you very much.

And everyone went wow.

So I'm in a meeting the next day, right? And some bird goes June, alcoholic. Did you know that I is in the word illness and we is in the word well? And I went wow, June, because it's very simple to stand up here and repeat what you heard in a meeting yesterday. Now I can be accused of that because I did that in meetings for a long time. What I actually did was this as it went round the room, I repeated like a parrot. My name is Richard and I'm an addict.

I did not understand it about what the word addict meant. I just said it because she said it. He said it and he said it. No understanding of that

I'm going to do is I'm going to do what Doctor Bob said, who's one of the founders of our 12 step fellowship. And I'm going to keep it simple. I was sponsored into a line of sponsorship that goes up to 47 years worth of worth of sobriety. So this wasn't given to me by people that were three years, two years or six years down the line or eight years down the line. This comes from people that are 47 years are still here today. And I was given a simple program of action and I've kept it simple from Daydot. So the book talks about describe what it was like in a general way, what it's like now and what what it's sorry, what it's like now. So

I'm 14 years old, I'm indoors so I'm bunking off school. Got my school blazer on

and he's his bottle of Scotch in the cabinet and I can hear it's going to drink me, drink me. So I've gone in the cabinet, got his bottle of Scotch out, gone like that and it was horrible. My throat was burning, my head was spinning, my stomach was on fire and I thought I'm never touching that shit again ever. And then BAM, it happened.

Will come from a house where there was loads of material stuff going on. There just weren't much love going on. Now this bottle of Scotch put his arms around and it kissed me. On your head it went, it's going to be all right. That's what he did for me. So I'm back into the cupboard. I've now got my face screwed up, my hand over my nose. I'm drinking this bottle of Scotch. 3/4 of a bottle later I've decided that it's a really good idea to take my daddy's 3 litre Granada on the driveway down at the school to pick my pace, my mates up so I've got 3 cushions. I can't see over the steering wheel when I'm doing that down a road. Pissed at me nuts

and I get down to school all my powers jumping at the motor. We've all got the windows down, music full blast going like that up the High Street and as I get the top of my Rd. the old build behind me with a light going. So I mounted the pavement outside my house hit the brake on my pals went forward in the car. Now they would have stuck through thick and thin with me. My pals they jumped out the car and went see you just elected across the road. So the copper come up to the car and he opened the door and I fell out the door. I got my leg caught around the seat belt and he picked me up in my school Blaze and he said, is he Shawcaster?

Oh, she's yeah,

it's an emotional name, so I'll give my dad's name, he said emotional date of birth, I said the 7th of the 7th, 1936, he said. It makes you fucking 64,

as I know it does, he said. Get in the back of the fucking car.

I didn't know it then,

but that was going to be the pattern to my drinking and using for the rest of my life. I can explain my drinking using like this. I went to a party in 1981, it ended in 2008 and it was a shit party,

right? I was the sort of geezer that would go to a party and people would come up to me and say Richard Cabs here and I said I didn't order one. I said no, we did fuck off.

Seriously, go away mate, you're driving us nuts.

What happened with me was this. I just ended up in a spiral of trouble down at the drinking and the drugs as a drinking and they're using got heavier and heavier. The prison sentences started, they got longer, the time in between them got shorter and they got longer and longer and longer

in the end. I'm in a flat in Peckham. There's holes in ceiling, water dripping through, cans of tenants everywhere, crack pipes, needles everywhere. There's a geezer sitting opposite me. I think his nickname was doped up Dave, Not you, Dave, but another geezer. And he was sitting there and he had a tourniquet around his arm, a needle hanging out of his arm. He had a can of tendency in one end. He had both his eyes shut and he was dribbling out the corner of his mouth. And he opened one eye and he looked at me and he went, Richard, you're fucked, man.

Why a book talks about is. I could no longer distinguish between the true and the false.

My idiot life would become the only normal one. You see, I could see my reality. What I couldn't see was his reality.

The problem here is is I'm delusional. And when I came here, I learned that when I absolutely I'm delusional, right? This when I walked into cocaine on him. She's beautiful looking woman come up with me right stunning and she went can I take you home and shake you at night? That's what I heard her say right? What she actually said was are you new? Would you like a cup of tea? But I'm delusional,

more drinking and my using took me to a place

where I end up with a massive prison sentence.

Now at this point my illness pops up and manifests itself in my ego and what I want to do is tell you about bank will be secure recall vans everybody at the fucking floor move right? That ain't the truth. That ain't the truth.

I was robbing women's handbags. I was stealing off my family, my friends, my acquaintances. I was stealing, nicking for people at cash points. I was jumping over counters with ball pain and was smashing people over here to get money out of the tills, foaming at the mouth.

It ain't glamorous. It ain't glamorous for me. I'm not somebody who ran out of money and sat in doors and went. I won't use today. That's just not me, you know. I will go down to boots and knickers, many ways of blades as I can and have a chase up with with a security guard in order to go and score.

So I end up on a street with a gun and like I said, it ain't going to see and end up with a massive prison sentence. So I've been away about three years and all of a sudden there was a knock knock at the cell

and archiving my normal prison welcome. Would you fucking want

He said there brought a new trap down the church. So I'll flow down the church right within. I suggested these are brewing urge. Now they're all sitting in a circle right and I went who is it? He went and see him over there.

I know what, mate,

Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Meet in the cold in prison. My name's John and I'm an alcoholic and I've turned up my pound and I said, what the fuck have you bought me here for? And I swear to mariachi band was going to be coming here. We're all rattling their things. Praise Jesus. Because I saw there was 12 God steps, 12 God traditions. I just thought, get me the fuck out of here. Get Me Out of here.

The day I was released from prison, I swore blind that I would never touch another drink or drug again.

And if you put a lie detector on me, it would have come back saying I was telling the truth and I meant it. Absolutely. And released at 7:00. I'm pissed. By 9:00. I'm in a crack house. By 12:00. I got a needle hanging out at me by 2:00 one day, One day to go right back to where I just left off because I don't go back to that first drop of Scotch I had when I was a kid. I'll go back to what does it for me and for me. He's quite cocaine, heroin and tennis. Super. Usually altogether my drug of choice was usually more of whatever you've got

and then I'm going to go home and do my bit. That's how I use

three months of being on the street doing what I've always done, robbing, stealing, lying and cheating. I decided to go to one of these means

so I'll go into this meeting

and I said Izzy does it, which obviously meant do fuck off.

They said think think think. I swear They said drink drink drink.

They said don't get involved in a relationship in the first year. So I got a girl pregnant.

I said get a sponsor who's got what you want. So I got one who was eight years cleaner. Didn't do fuck all because that's what I wanted to be 8 years clean and do nothing

and I went back out and I did what I've always done. Robbed, stolen, lied, cheated.

This time I end up in another prison. It's in in my front room.

I've got a crack pipe in front of me, I've got a bag of gear in front of me, I've got a bottle of Bacardi in front of me and I got a six inch carving knife and I just want to die. By this point I've had two heart attacks. I've had a stroke, my eyes dropped, my lips dropped. My whole left side has gone.

And as I look back now, I can see that something inside me died that day. And I like to call it my soul died because there was nothing left. Absolutely. There was no friends, there was no acquaintances, there was no family. It was just me, 1820 hours a day on my own. You know, when I came here, like I said, I was delusional. You see, in my mind, I'm a bit of a gangster, right? And I and an international Playboy, by the way.

So I end up walking around bus stops picking fag butts up, right, That's how much of A gangster. And As for the international Playboy, I went out with a bird in Orpington one.

Well, I'm absolutely delusional

Nuts. I was going to meet you. My woman had to only get up and we might get a cup of tea, right? And I'd already worked out how many kids were having when we're going to get married and we're going to be living in the next 25 years. She's definitely going to ask me out, though. I'm like that at the time.

She fucking fancies me, I'm telling you. You fucking on me?

I know the word, what the chair said. I'm just too busy thinking about what she's saying to me. She now had to go like that and I swear she went on that.

So as I say, my soul died that day. Now, I'd known for a long time that I've been using against my will. But they say the longest journey you can take in is from the head to the heart. You know, I sat in his means for a long time saying I'm done, but he's coming from there. It won't come from here. I didn't know that when people kept saying me. What's different this time when I'm done

really, was I

this style, knew it in here, absolutely knew I was done for good and all. Not one day at a time. I'm done for good and all. See, when I first come to meetings, what people said to me was this, it's one day at a time. And I said no, but you're lying to me. It's not one day at a time, is it? You're saying I can never drink and use again and I go no, but it's wonder at a time. So you know it's not. You're saying I can never do it again. This time I came in and the whole time I went to me on that time I said I fucking hope not.

I hope not. I hope I'm done for the rest of my life, for good and all.

This is our delusional way in mind. I'm sitting on a couch with a carving knife and I've already worked out. I'm going that way. I'm going that way, right? It's not quite for help. I'm. I'm out of here, right? And as I'm about to top myself it's coming to my head,

copper's breaking in and I'm saying what a shit hole this is. So I thought I'd better go around and tidy the flat up right? So I've gone around for an hour tidying the flat up, come back with my knife and I'm about to top myself and all of a sudden it's popped into my two coppers while I standing over me. I'm dead on the couch. Fine.

I'm afraid he's dead, Sergeant.

I can see that Constable, but look how tidy his flat is.

I was telling the sponsee a little while ago, right? And I said obviously Cos I'm delusional, right? And the delusions of grandeur. So I've died. Obviously. They've got me in a coffin going down the mall with a British flag draped over me. They got the 21 gun salute either side of me, army and Navy and he went to me. Why was you in the army? I went. No, I was fucking mental mate.

Army

how I credit on that phone that day only God knows only God knows or I pick the phone up and I wrong someone. I said I am smash the pieces here. I'm seven and half time I'm doing this shadow they're two art attacks a stroke and I know that I am dying. There are no ifs and buts about it. I am dying and I'm going to die. Please help me. He said there's a meeting about two mile away from you tonight in about two hours. You need to get there.

I have no money.

All I had was a bit of willingness and I had to drag myself to this meeting. No buses, two hours it took me to walk nearly two miles or drag myself to this meeting

from that day-to-day. So I find myself into this program hook, line and sinker.

I've gone about this program the same way as I go about getting drugs,

strenuously throwing myself into it. Absolutely,

I'll still response here. A little while ago I rung him up. I said how you doing? He said, oh mate, he said. My my kidneys are shutting down. Got front boxes in my legs. My wifes left me, they're repossessing the house. The kids are gone. I can't stop drinking Scotch

of sticking 13 grams of cold cut my nerves. All my money is gone.

I said that I'm going down to Brighton tonight, do a chair for a mate of mine, won't you come with me? And he said, do you know how far Brighton is?

It's called denial. The geezers still don't know. After all that, he's dying.

Still don't know.

So I vigorously throw myself into these meetings when I go to this meeting and is this geezer and he's sharing his experience, strength and hope.

There's nothing like me. He's never done crack, he's never done heroin. He's never been to prison, still had a car, still had a house, still had a wife, still had the kids,

standard job and a career. And he managed to hold that all together while he was drinking.

And my aid goes separation, separation, separation. Nothing like me, none of you as bad as me. But then he talked about terror, frustration, bewilderment, and the despair of where he's drinking took him to. And I knew what he was talking about because I felt it on the couch that day. Absolutely felt it. And then he went on to talk about being happy. Joyce and Free Rocket didn't rule 4th dimension. And I used to cringe when I heard that.

Did he say that in a meeting? I also feel sorry for him. Bless him,

bless him.

So I go into a meeting where people say to me see the Giza with a big book

is one. Enjoy boys. One of them step Nazis. Stay away from him. Fucking mental.

So I go to newcomers, see the geezer with a big book. Stay away from me. Fucking mental.

And I go out, start smoking crack, smash myself to pieces and I come back and this bastard was still sitting like this

and I say to newcomers, stay away from him. Amen. I'll go out and I'll smash myself to pieces again.

I'll come back in on a fortune. I know what? Maybe I need to ask somebody like him, because he's still sitting here. He's still at. He's still Joyce. He's still Rocket in the 4th dimension. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

And I followed him to his own group. Now, I've been in here a while by then, right? So I know people can stand here and talk a good program. I know that, and I'll explain that to you already. So I'll get to his own group, Right. And he's standing there with his phone out taking newcomers numbers. I thought that's a blank. Make yourself look good in front of the rest of the group. Oh yeah. So I'll grab this. No, come. I said, does he ring you? He said ring me. He drives me fucking crazy. He drives us all mad.

And then I just found out he'd been at West Middlesex Hospital on a 12 step call to pick somebody up from the hospital to bring him to the meeting. And he started the meeting was his sponsor, his sponsor, his sponsor and his sponsor up to 47 years all dressed, becoming like all putting the chairs out, all making tea, all helping, clearing up and all welcoming newcomers coming in the meeting. And I thought I want some of this off. I truly want somebody so I could see the spark in their eyes. I want some of this. And I said to this geezer, will you sponsor me? Now if you're new or you're struggling and being around a little while,

do not be afraid to ask someone to respond to you. It is an absolute honour and a privilege for us to do this for you. In fact, I need you more than you need me. That's the truth here. Absolute honor and a privilege is to do it. I'll sponsor about 2530 people. At one point I sent my sponsor when do I say no? And he said when it hurts, why it should never hurt. I'm not a counsellor. I'm not, I'm not a relationship counsellor. I'm not a marriage guidance and I'm certainly not a financier, right? My choice is in life. When I came here was beans on mouldy toast or beans on or eggs on moldy toast.

So please don't ask me about what you're gonna do with that yacht in Monaco, because I don't know,

he said. I will sponsor you. Are you willing to go to any lengths? I said I will run around Kingston naked with a red Dicky bow on him. It's going to keep me clean. Please don't ask me to do that.

I will if you want me to.

So I'm going to give you a program of action because this is a program of action. It's not a program of thinking, Richard. Now here's what thinking done for me, right. So I'm indoors with a kebab in hand. Can attempts in that one an honest TV. It come up like geezer with A6 pack. I thought, yeah, get myself one of them, right? Get a nice looking bird for the summer, sort myself right out. All right, two weeks later I got a can of tenants in that one and keep having that one and I can't work out how come I ain't got a six pack.

What's going on now?

And that's what more, that's what my response to explain to me about thinking. Thinking just brings more thinking. Action brings about changing. You put some action in here. So what I want to do is get on your knees every morning, invite God into your life. I went whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you just say God? He said, yeah. Have you had God in your life every day so far? And I went, no. And he went, how's it fucking going?

Arsenal was going pretty shit, he said. Well, you need one then,

if you don't believe in God. Do you believe I believe in God? I said I believe. You believe? Yeah, he said. OK, ask. Billy's got to keep you clean and sober. Then I said I can do that.

My first morning doing that I went round the house and shut the curtains, looked under the bed checking in when my mates were there, looked in a cupboard.

Because I'm embarrassed to get on my knees and invite a power into my life. But I'm not embarrassed to jump over an off license counter and smack you over here with an hammer to get money out your till.

But I'm embarrassed to get on my knees.

Delusional. Delusional.

So I said I want you to write 10 things down every day that you're grateful for, and I went Are you fucking joking?

Turn it out. What the fuck am I grateful for?

You should let me tell you this. While grateful, addict will never pick up ever. Period. This is an illness of more, more, more, more, more. I want more. I want more. I want more.

Discontentment is about I want more. This is about gratitude. What have I got now? You say I want you to write 10 things down every day that you're grateful for. I said. I am grateful for a fuck off,

he said. Well why don't you start writing things down that you should be grateful for. Did you know that some third world countries have to walk 3 moles in the morning to go and get a bug stagnant water and you yourself is pretty get it out of the tap. I said selfish. It's a bit much in it. Come to find out later on, that's exactly what I am, selfish and self centred to the core. Did you know that 13% of the world's population tonight are going to go without food in their stomach, without a roof over the way, sleeping in mud huts with no electricity, no running water And you've got all of that. So let's start writing down the things that you

be grateful for.

I said, OK, I can do that. I can do that.

And here's the thing about great truth is, right? Great truth is not about thinking, it's about action, right? And people don't like this when I say this, and I'm not anybody, but this is the truth for me. When you ask somebody who's been around here a little while why they're grateful, this is what they do who don't write a gratitude, by the way. Yeah, I got a job, clean,

got a partner,

cousin, kids.

You might speak to somebody who's been around you a few years and done this and speak to them and ask them why they're grateful, Right? And this is what they'll do. We write a graduate list. I've got hope, freedom, options, Peace of Mind, health, family, friends, a sponsor of big book meetings to go to. I've got a roof. I've made electric running water. I know why I'm grateful. There ain't no thinking. I'm grateful. I know it because I do it every single morning. I know I'm grateful. And that is what cures this illness.

Gratitude because it keeps me reminding me about where I come from.

Are you still using stairwell? Sticking needles in myself? It wasn't glamorous. Then all of a sudden I can come here, get a job, get a few things in my life and start getting ungrateful for what I've got. No, I need to remember where I was. I'm not somebody who comes to meetings to be reminded of what it's like. I don't. You know why? Because I was told ring two newcomers every day.

Every day

I want you to go into a meeting. We should want to put your round out and I want to say, are you new? I said I can't do that, He said. Why not? I'm shy,

he said. You weren't shy. Meet your son, fucking geezer, at a phone box of four hours on a bike that you didn't know was ya? I went no did you weren't worried about going into some pub and asking the barman who you didn't know what a drink was you? I went no, he said we'll do this. Then I said OK. I didn't know what he was doing. I didn't know about the selfishness and self-centredness and self seeking. I didn't know about any of that stuff. You could have explained it to me, but we've just got out of my head.

What he done was give me the action to take and what they did was it got me out of self because every time I've come here, it's been the same

turn up late, eat your biscuits, drink your tea, chat your birds up and fuck off early.

Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight, tight. That's all I've ever done because I got an illness of more. Give me, give me take. What he was doing was taking me out that self-centred place and making it about you rather than me. And in the giving, guess what, you were safe. You were safe. So as I said, I'm not somebody who comes here to be reminded of what it's like because I do that every morning. I dare anybody to speak to somebody this morning whose kids have just left them, their wife's just left them. Their business has gone down a pain.

They can't stop drinking. They can't stop sniffing Coke and sticking needles in themselves.

I dare any of you to get off the phone and not be grateful that that ain't you. Absolutely grateful.

So I just did what he said. He said what he said to me about the steps, right?

It's Tuesday, I'm going to be around your house Sunday and we're going to start steps in the big book of our colleagues, Anonymous. So they came around my house. We did a preface to forward doctor's opinion bill story. There is a solution more about alcoholism. Step one, there was no handouts, no writing, it was all in there. We did agnostics, then went through how it works. And this is what he said to me about Step 4. You got one week to do and if you don't do it, fuck off because I'm going to watch you die.

No I don't. It takes 18 months to do step four at least. Apparently.

I was a bit put out by it to say the least.

So this is our approach on step four. Monday night I sat down at 5:00 and I put 4 hours aside from 4:00 till nine and I did that Tuesday and I did it Wednesday. It was done within three days, 4 hours, four hours and four hours. He was back around my house on the Thursday

and we did 5679 and eight and this is what we did with eight. And I know it's not in the book and it's the only time I divert from this book and I'll explain why

I was told to write out three columns of the people that I'd person that I'd hurt the harm that I did, and to walk a mile in their shoes, you see, because I can come here, right? And I can tell you this why I put my mum and dad through hell. I did

bit of a statement in it, put through hell, but what I actually had to do was put myself in their position and write a letter to me about what I'd done. And this is what came out of it. You stole from our Peace of Mind from us. You stole our relationship with our son. We had to travel halfway up and down the country every bloody week to another prison to be patted down by screws to look at you shaking and shivering and 7 1/2 stone. We were full of guilt, remorse and shame for what you'd put us through.

We had to hide our keys at night. We had to hide our purses. We had to hide our wallets every time you come anywhere near us.

Every time there was a family dude, we had to tell him you fucking emigrated again.

Up in Australia about 30 times apparently. Never actually been there. Obviously ones are from Pentonville. Usually it was,

but what that did was out of all the steps I did, that was that was the most powerful one I did because that was the first time in my life I'd seen the damage not from my side, but from your side.

And it absolutely changed my perception of my behavior because that is what this is about behavior. This is not about drinking drugs, not about that at all. I thought it was. I thought it was not that. That's not the truth.

So I went out and made a few amends 1011 and 12 band within 30 days. I'm out working with others and I have not been out this book in the last six years. On January the 11th, by the grace of God, I'm six years cleaning cyber. All right. That's got nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with me.

But I'm not, I'm aware of this, right?

I have a God in my life, a God of my own understanding, and I choose to call it the word God. Full stop.

God will do for me what I cannot do for myself. But let me tell you this, God ain't going to go to meetings for me. God ain't going to sponsor people for me. He's not going to take the 12th step for me. He's not going to write a gratitude list for me and he's not going to take newcomers numbers for me. He's not going to take inventory for me, right? And he ain't going to remove them character defects if I keep going out and acting on them. I have a part here. I have a massive part here. What got me here was the combination of drink, drugs, and a God-given surrender.

What keeps me here is me and that God-given surrender that I was given.

I have to have a part in this. I have to keep putting the action in. I can't think. I'm not somebody who can come here and sit in meetings and do nothing. I haven't got an illness like that. My illness does not have a day off. Never has done, never. Wakes up on a lovely sunny day and goes, do you know what, Richard? I'm going to leave you alone today. It's a lovely sunny day. My honest don't do that. So I don't take a day off ever. I don't.

So for those of you who don't understand, I'm going to talk about the illness of alcoholism and addiction, right?

So I'm six weeks in, I'm sitting in a meeting. Ain't done them steps. As for you lot, right, you need them, not me. I ain't really got a sponsor, although I'll do ring this geezer everything now and again. It's been around a little while because somehow I'm going to get it from him by osmosis.

Everything's great. Stop using off the methadone now stop fitting off the benzos right. Put a bit of weight on. She's on me

Canada as well. All right. I've got a right touch here. And she's married. Get on that.

Got a job, got a few quid in my pocket, got a new car, just checked my ride out.

Everything should be great. All right, great. And all of a sudden, six weeks in the meeting, let's see what happens.

She shows about that plumber one more time. I'm going to fucking knock her out. I swear to God. I'm timing how long he shares because he goes on forever. This geezer, 5 minutes now, he's been sharing for

irritable, unrestless and on discontent

and my grateful, bored and pissed off, and I don't want to be sitting there anymore

and putting everybody in the world of rights. I'm judging everybody in the meeting and it's just something wrong with me and I don't know what it is. I just can't put my finger on it because it should be all right. I've got all that external stuff back. I should be all right. But this is not about external stuff. This is about an internal condition. And of course, what fixes that internal condition, because we're an altruistic program. He's looking out to help you. That's what fixes this. Anybody know what the biggest chapter in that book is?

Funnily enough, it ain't about God

about working with others

when it says when all else fails, praying God work with others. That's what this is about. Continuous work with others, you see. Because how can I ever forget where I come from when I'm working with you? Ever.

And what he talked about in our big book is simply this.

It's something you would not want to miss. You would not want to miss. It is absolutely amazing to watch the lights come on in somebody's eyes. It was broken and dead. Now I know that I haven't got a party now other than this, right? Because any more than that, and it's my ego returning. I am a road sign saying go that way. And that's all I am. I am God, I'm just a road sign. So I don't go that way. And if you go that way, great. And if you don't, you don't.

Not my responsibility.

As I said, I was sponsored in the line of sponsorship that comes

with a lot of sobriety in it. I was told to turn up at meetings and I was told to dress becoming in. If you're ever doing a chair, you will wear a shirt, Richard. Well, well, well, hold on a shirt fucks that got do anything he said. I'll tell you what right you find a picture of Bill what Bob doing a chair of that show and you can do one.

Never found one, never found one

said you will get two home groups and you will do service and commitments within them. Home groups because people get that mixed up. What commitment is and what service is here a commitment is making tea in the meeting. The service that the book talks about is sitting down one-on-one with another, our colleague addict and taking them through the work. Can you find a chapter in our book called Working with Making Tea

Now, Working with others? I live in 1011 and 12. Now let me tell you about the inventory process. And as I said, I'm not yet slate anybody, but I heard the woman before me right talking about inventory. So let me tell you about inventory, right. Got a sponsor, He rings me up, he goes.

Yeah,

I'll set up a prostitute last night I went, all right, where was the discussion there? Then he said no, I took it to God. I said. And what did God say? He said it was a good idea.

I said, I'll tell you what, right? You're sounding remarkably like God.

Don't take it to God no more and ring me up and ask me

because our book talks about discussion with others in step five. It talks about May God and you. It don't talk about me and God talks about me, God and you because I have to run my thinking past with the thinking of others. I have to because all of a sudden I can start sounding like God. So here's my thinking, right? I'm a few years in, got a few quid. I'm going to retire to South of France. Now I've looked at this place. It's a wooden shack river. It's got beautiful balcony white and the mountains behind it. And at night time, the sun goes down behind the mountains and there's an old rocking chair

on the, like, veranda. And I set my sponsor. I'm going to go and do that. It sounds fantastic, doesn't it? And he just, you know, that smile they have like, Oh yeah,

I said yeah. Did it sound nice?

He said. So you're in a foreign country where there's no meetings, no one speaks a fucking word of English right? And you've got two vineyards either side of you? Good luck with that.

I ain't seen any of that, right? Do you know why? My God, I ain't seen any of it either. My sponsor did though. He pulled me up on it. Because I need to defer to the thinking of others, not just about take everything to God right now. I forget. I slow, slow people that do that or don't. Look, the fact is, there's too many opinions in here and too many people arguing about what their religious beliefs are, what their God is. I ain't here for that.

I may keep this simple.

This is about me, you and God,

Me, you and God. It's not about me being here. I had a spiritual awakening as a result of steps. I didn't have a religious conversion of 1, so it's not my place to stand here and tell you my belief. Step 11 is your step and your step that keep that personal and private to you. All right, Personal and private, because I keep mine personal and private.

I think it's quite arrogant to be honest with you to understand God, because that would make me God.

I have a God of my misunderstanding

and go to my misunderstanding does for me what I cannot do for myself. It keeps me cleaner. Cyber.

As a direct result of doing this, I'm three years into a degree in health and social care. Today, I work in a police station and I sit in the interview room and it ain't me. They're fucking interviewing. And I have to pinch myself and I won't get out of station with the coats to the fucking old Bill shop, if you don't mind. And I'm still, nearly six years in, think that someone's going to grab me on a bat and go, oi, we got you, we know what you're doing. I still get it to this day. Self-centred fear.

I was going to break into that bit about ask my girlfriend and recovered. I am there, but I forgot