CMALA roundup in Los Angeles, CA

Sam T from Dallas, TX.

Thank you.

Hi everyone, my name is Sam. I'm a grateful recovered meth addict from Dallas, TX.

I never thought 10 years ago. June 17, 2006, is my sobriety date. There's some crackheads from 2006 out here. Yeah. Or one. There's one. So I never thought when I was locked in the adult bookstore with my last dollar in my last little bit of dope 10 years ago, that I would be standing in a cathedral full of crackheads in Los Angeles 10 years later. So this is. Yeah,

so look what God can do, right? So I want to thank the clergy up front for being here. This is, this is amazing. You can end the umbrella. That was amazing, too. No, really, honestly, I want to, I'm here tonight to tell you my story. And I'm here tonight. It's a it's a huge honor. I'm, I'm extremely nervous and I, I, I'm, I'm afraid I might cry a little bit. And that's mainly because I ate a whole box of cookies today to work through it. Yeah. I found Trader Joe's and I was like, I'll get these from my friends from Dallas. And I ate them all, so

I feel great. Yeah. Yeah. Once you land in LA, if you're from Texas, you automatically feel fat and less than. So it's been perfect. Yeah,

yeah.

So maybe y'all do too. I love that. I love that. I thought you guys invented that. Anyway, so here's the thing. I'm going to get going to get rid of this really fast. Well, we can take this back up.

So

I want to welcome the newcomers and the people in the room who are still struggling. Whether you're new or you're a retread like I have been, I want to welcome you. You guys are the most important people in the room to meet. So those people who stood up with less than 30 days, I applaud you for being here.

Yeah,

there's a whole row of people that were under 30 days together, and I kind of want to know what happened back there, but we'll get to that.

Yeah, you're the one. Don't talk to him. Yeah. Yeah. We got a long way to go. So. So anyway, welcome. They're leaving. Just kidding.

So welcome to all of you all. Seriously. All joking aside, I made some notes here because I was really nervous. I don't typically make notes, but I wanted to make sure that I that I spoke to the newcomer and the people who are coming back in.

It takes a lot of courage to come in here into CMA. It takes a lot of courage to come into recovery. It takes a lot of courage to come back in. So if that's your story as it was mine, God bless you for being back here. You have a, you have a purpose and there's something in store for you that you can't even imagine. And the second thing I want to do is I want to, I want to give a shout out to all of you all in Los Angeles who were here from the very beginning. I want to kind of connect the dots for you about what that means, what you all, what you all did for us

with 22 years ago, right? 22 years ago when you all were in that meeting.

Those of you who've been around for a long time and saw the need for a meeting called Crystal Meth Anonymous and gave us a place where we could speak a very special language of the heart that only a crystal meth addict could understand. I'm forever grateful for you. It's something that is

the ripple effect in Dallas, TX, as it is elsewhere, as you saw from all the cities that were here. I mean, Pacific Palisades is kind of weird, but I mean, the rest of the. Yeah. And from Beverly Hills. And like, one girl stands up.

Yeah, yeah.

And Neil's like we'll add that next year, right, Beverly Hills. So anyway, so no, really what happened was when you guys started that meeting, you probably weren't thinking about 22 year late, 22 years later in Dallas, TX, what would happen? And here's what happened today in Dallas, we have 6 meetings a week. So there's a meeting almost every night of the week we had 1-10 years ago. And we have our 11th anniversary coming up this November of CMA in Dallas.

And,

and that wouldn't have happened without you all here in Los Angeles. So I thank you for all of what you've done for us. So I'm sending a message of love for from all of the people in Dallas who sit in the meetings and who are able to get sober and get free. And some of those people have been sitting in other meetings around town and they haven't been able to share the way they need to. And they haven't heard the message that they needed to. And they haven't seen that a crystal Methodic can recover from a hopeless state of mind and body. So thank you for that.

You all made that possible for us.

We don't have enough chairs in our CMA meetings

in Dallas. We started out with a with a small boardroom table, and on some nights we would have five or six people. And now we have, on a birthday night, 150 people. And we have. And they're not just there for the cake. The cake did get better when I was the birthday chair. Buttercream frosting brings them in, you know. Yeah. Yeah. You want to up your 7th tradition buttercream. That's it.

None of that store bought shit. So

anyway, so we don't have enough chairs in the meeting. We meet in the Resource Center of Dallas, which was so gracious to give us a space to meet, which was separate and gave us a separate identity from our brothers and sisters at Alcoholics Anonymous. So when we started meeting over there, we were kind of a fledgling meeting and now we don't have enough chairs. So on any given night, on our meetings, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, we have 7080 people and that group is on fire. And I invite you to come to Dallas and anytime you're there, you have a meeting. You have family there just like you all are family to us.

So I wanted to tie in that the power of you guys starting that meeting and carrying the message to all these different cities, it has made a difference in Dallas. And even though we sit in that meeting and we feel like, gosh, the rooms full, look at this. Look at what's happening here. We know that within 1/4 mile there are people who are running out of butane and running out of ideas.

So you guys have done that right? I love that. Yeah.

Or however you did it. But so there are people within 1/4 mile, there's like 100 people and they don't know where we are. So our job now

is to carry the message to those people in our neighborhoods and in our jobs and wherever we are. And they're everywhere. I mean, you just go to a gas station and there we are, you know, like there we are running some game on some people. So wherever I go, wherever I go, I see us out there and I know that we have a really powerful message of, of recovery for these people. And I'm grateful to be a part of that.

So I'm here to tell you what happened to me and, and, and what I did about it and what it's like now.

And so, as you've probably often heard, I want you to discard anything you can't reconcile with a big book with CMA readings, or that you can't work out with your sponsor. If you don't have a sponsor and something I say offends you, I encourage you to get one and talk about it and let me know how that works out. And

so I, I was born in Dallas, TX and I was born to a wonderful family, my parents. I'm an only child, so I was probably destined to be an addict, right? But I was born to two wonderful parents and they're still, they're still married 57 years they've been married and they're amazing people and they're my heroes. And they weren't, that wasn't always the case. But what I can tell you is that there are a lot of people in this room and you made this maybe your story. There are a lot of people who grew up in terribly abusive situations and really awful broken homes.

Bad things happen to you. And, and if there was any or any reason for people to use crystal meth, that was it, right? That's not my story. So bad things didn't happen to me and I'm still an addict and, and I still ended up in the same place that you did. I used and I drained because I'm an addict and I had to and I couldn't stop because I didn't have the power to do it. So I want you to maybe take a minute to think about the internal condition I'm talking about instead of the external consequences. A lot of us have been

abyss and back and a lot of us have been arrested, a lot of the staph infections and lost everything. But it's really about for me, what's happened on the inside. And it's about the, the spiritual journey here instead of the external stuff. So I had these wonderful parents and, and I, I was given everything that, that my parents could possibly give a child that they didn't think they'd be able to have. I was given a wonderful education. I had amazing family and friends around me from the beginning.

I remember that my family always

wanted me to be a part of everything. They gave me the best opportunities that a kid could have. And I'm forever grateful for those things. And this may sound familiar, but I remember from a very young age feeling very different and feeling kind of like I moved through life sideways, you know, like even before I knew I was gay, something's different. And if people find out they're something really bad is going to happen to me. So I, I had this sort of like

Divergent when I was a little kid where I started to kind of live like a double life. Does that sound familiar?

Yeah. So, you know, and then, you know, I didn't really have any way to deal with that, right. So what I did was I put on my game base and I I made a lot of friends and I had a lot of acquaintances. And I really was doing a lot of work to try to keep you from finding out who I was at heart, which was terrified, absolutely terrified.

And I know that now after, you know, 27 relapses and some treatment in jails. But anyway, I, I know, I know that I know that I was terrified. And So what I know today is that I kind of woke up in the middle of life without the instruction book. I had no idea how to get through life,

and I really, really needed the first drink. And so when I was in high school, I had these terrible things happen to me. I suffered from clinical depression, which was really more of a I'm afraid to tell my parents I'm gay. Like I figured out I was gay and I tried to make it stop. I tried to pray the gay way. I tried to do all of that. And it didn't go away. So by the time I had gotten to high school and I had my first drink

and, you know, that's kind of where it started for me. I remember that feeling just going away

and I remember that void and that fear just kind of going.

And I thought, man, I never, ever want to be without this. So I sort of made a plan to do whatever I could to be around something that could change the way I feel.

So I went away to college and I made a really smart choice for somebody who was afraid to be gay. I went to a religious school and a Baptist when I went to Baylor University. Yeah, I know it's a really smart choice. I made good decisions early on. So so I I went to school and I remember feeling like, OK, now that I'm away from home, I can actually be who I am. Like, what a dumb thing. And in Waco, TX, right? I'm free, you know?

Yeah,

Waco.

So I made a lot of friends there and I still, and I kind of caught on early on, like this was a bad choice. And I'm going to have to kind of do what I've done before and just not really let them see who I am. Kind of do the college thing. And then I'm going to find my people over here. I'm going to find my people over here. And I found them real fast. I found people that could drink a box of Franzia wine and go to class the next day. That's classy. Yeah,

and, and I found the people who had the pot. I loved pot and I found the people that had

the cocaine and that was new and I felt like, I felt like invincible, you know, and I never ever wanted to be away from cocaine. So I found what I needed to move through life and kind of wear the loose fitting garment of my life, right. And and what happened is that I started to pick up these consequences along the way. You know, I started to fail out of school. I started to I started have some broken relationships. I started to kind of

be distant from my family. And really what was happening is systematically

my life was changing where I was going down that slope of what I know now is a fatal progressive illness. And I was sliding ever closer into the abyss. And I was telling somebody today the way it was for me. And kind of like the picture I use is, you know, if you've ever been a really terrifying roller coaster and you get to the very top, I'm at the very top. And I, as I tip over the hill, I go, oh, shit, I think something bad's about to happen. But I'm locked in, right? I'm locked in.

So there were some warning signs. You know, I, I tried to stop or moderate. Has anybody here tried to stop and stay stopped? You've done that, right?

It didn't work. You're in CMA. And yeah. So you try to stop. I tried to stop and stay stopped. And I had these plans, like, you know, I'm, I, I spent my rent money on cocaine. I can't do that. I can't cash in my college meal plan anymore for pot because then if you smoke pot, you get hungry and there's no money. You know, like I can't. I mean, all these warning signs and, and, and the things that started happening were scarier and scarier. And my my efforts to stop were

more vigilant and more vigilant. And every single time I would go back to using drugs only. Always.

So then that one day that I'll never forget,

I was at a party and I was with some wonderful people. They kind of look like they really had their lives together. And they mentioned that they'd been up for four or five days, which I thought was glamorous. And. Yeah, and they seem to be talking like this a lot. And I was like, that's so weird. It's so. They're so edgy, you know, and

they smoked a lot, you know, they sweated

and and they were busy. They were busy. And so I immediately was drawn to them and and I found out they were doing Tina and I was like, well, I want to do that, you know, of course I want to do that. And guys, I don't even know how to use words to describe the feeling. Like all of those drugs I mentioned and all of the alcohol and everything I had done was great and it did what it needed to do. But man,

that first bump Home, home.

This is what I've been looking for my entire life.

Wow. This is it. This is it. Why did this take so long?

So that began the oblivion, right? I'll spare you the details. You guys know what happened. I went to jail a lot. I got a lot of staph infections. I stopped taking HIV medicine. I picked a picked up HIV with some really wise choices, you know, and with alcohol and drugs. I stopped taking my medication. I ended up I ended up in the abyss over and over and over again. And each time I would, I would have something happen to me and I would emerge remorseful, like the book says, with a firm resolution never to do it again. And I meant it y'all. If you had

to a lie detector test I would have passed it. I meant what I said when I told the ICU doctor I'm never going to do this again. Here's my plan,

and in three days I would be using meth again against my will. Sound familiar?

And my mother would cry over my hospital bed because I would go to the hospital a lot. And I learned that. I learned that painkillers are really great too. I mean, you know, I didn't ever have anything for painkillers, but I I go to the hospital a lot. My mother would come to the hospital and say, you're going to stop this, right? You have so much to live for. And I would say absolutely, mother, I'm going to do this. I don't want to die. And I meant it.

And that that same big book says that frothy emotional appeals seldom suffices and that the the message that will interest the addict must have depth and weight.

And you guys were a long way off. I didn't know you yet, so I kept on doing what I was doing.

Here's the thing. I didn't know I was an addict. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't know that I had a threefold illness that was going to kill me. I didn't know that there wasn't something I could do to stop the freight train. I didn't know that there was no amount of crystal meth or anything else in the world that I could do to satisfy what was going on inside of me. I didn't know that there was only a spiritual experience that was going to conquer this. And I had no idea where to find you all.

I thought a 12 step program was that people set around and talked about ways they had not used today.

I had no idea. I'm an addict of the hopeless variety. I I remember sitting in in my room and I had the power had been turned off. But we're crafty, right? So I had some power from the neighbor's house and yeah, so I had a fan and a light and ATV

because it had one channel and the fan had one speed. But I was good. You know, I'm like, I'm managing, right. And in that summer with the Reagan funeral was on. So I watched this. It was terrible. It was hot. And I watched this, this, this show called Passions, which was, I don't know, this. Yeah,

yeah, some of you have Freebase and watch passions I guess. It's really amazing. So

I watched Passions because it came on and the Reagan funeral and cried a lot with my fan. And that was that seemed like that that was that was the life

I was destined to. So here's what happened. A lot of terrible consequences happened. A lot of external things happen. And what was happening inside of me is that I was dying inside and I was giving up hope. There was nothing left inside of me. I had tried everything. I was running out of answers and I was absolutely up against the wall. I was sitting in that hot room with my fan going on one goddamn speed. And I looked at the television and I looked at this picture next to the to the TV that I had of me on my 30th birthday. And I thought,

how on earth did I get from that guy to this guy and how do I get back to him? What do I do? The baffling feature of addiction and alcoholism. I could not figure out how to get from where I was back to the guy that had been so happy just a few years before. I had no idea what to do.

The real reason that I ended up quitting on on June 17th of 2006. It was like many of you probably have had a lot of first step experience,

a lot of times that you said you're going to stop and stay stop, and then you end up starting again only always. And then you find yourself in the oblivion again and you emerge remorsefully, you stop. And we do that over and over and over, just like the doctor's opinion says. The real reason for me is that I stopped is because not because I ran out of dope. It's because it stopped doing for me what I needed it to do. No matter how much I smoked, no matter how much I snorted, no matter who I was with, I could not quiet my mind and I couldn't stop. The heart,

you know, Not the racing heart, but the battle that was going on inside of me. I couldn't smoke it away.

Sound familiar?

So my parents, these wonderful people, you know, they step back into my life and they said, we're going to give you an opportunity to go to treatment. And I thought that was a really lame opportunity. You know, addicts, the only people who are dying who are like, I don't know, you know, this is,

you know, I mean, my fans on. And

yeah, I figured out how to turn the water back on so I didn't have to take a shower with the fire extinguisher.

And I was good, you know, And my parents, my parents come down with this lame idea to send me to rehab. And I was like, something inside of me was like, yes, I want to do it. I got to get free. But but the attic side of me was like, I just doesn't sound like a really good idea. And then like, I fell asleep in the intersection, right. So, so I agreed, I agreed to go. I fell asleep in the intersection a lot with a hot pipe and my foot on the brake a lot. So

y'all have done that huh? I like all of y'all.

So,

So what happened that day is I took, you know, the consequences have gotten so great and there I was and I was like, what do I have to lose, right? If in 30 days anything else has happened, I'll be able to at least get away from the shadow people and get away from because they were there all the time. You know, they were always there and, and the fear and and the bewilderment and all of that and the pain that I was living in. I could get away and I could go to this place that would, you know, give me a place to sort of figure out how I could use normally again.

So I went to this wonderful treatment center in the Hill Country in Texas, and I started to hear

people talk about the hopelessness of the disease of addiction and how they had found a way out through the 12 steps. And then I heard them start talking about God. And I was like, hold it, hold it.

I don't have any place for a God in my life. Because here's what happened to me when I was a kid with religious people. They told me I was going to hell. I gave up on God a long time ago. So if this is a program about God, then I'm out the door. And they were like, what are you going to do? Walk home? And I was like, well, I just might. And then, you know, had another peanut butter sandwich. But so

which is always a solution now. So,

so here's what happened in treatment. I started to hear things that I couldn't unhear. And I started to see that people who had lived a life that I'd lived and done the things I'd done weren't doing it anymore. And I, and I kind of was suspicious. Like when you hear people say I'm happy, joyous and free since 2003, I was like, that is ridiculous, you know, but, but, but tell me more, you know, tell me more. And, and, and they started to tell my story. And so for the very first time, all of that suspicion about whether or not I

ever get free from this started to melt away. And what I'll tell you is that I wasn't done yet. I wasn't done yet. I went to treatment. I heard a lot of wonderful things that I would never be able to unhear, but I wasn't done yet. I smoked a lot of cigarettes with people. I made a lot of friends. I kind of deflected a lot of the stuff that I needed to get out in a four step. I was like, I heard that you guys did four steps. I was not willing to do that. I was not getting down to the deepest, darkest secrets of my life. The end

10 more days to go. I'm going to get out of treatment and I'm going to be OK.

I've learned a lot. Thank you.

So I graduated from treatment and I got out and I came home and I showed my family what a great job I'd done in treatment. I showed him my little coin. I told him my commitment about how I was never going to use crystal meth again. I was great. And then I was going to go to IOP and they thought that was a great idea. And I did too. And I just had this habit of stopping off at the old bar I used to go to on the way to IOP to show my drug dealer what how wonderful I was.

You know, I was like, look, I showered, I'm happy, I brushed my teeth and I'm doing really well. Treatment's amazing. You should try it.

And they don't want to hear that. They don't want to hear that

I kept relapsing. I kept relapsing and I didn't know why. And I went back to treatment after I had relapsed and I missed Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's and everything. And I came back in and my family realized that I was engaged in the battle for my life. So they gave me an opportunity to go, to go back to treatment again.

Here's the thing, I knew I was destined for a death by methamphetamine addiction, but I wasn't ready to accept the spiritual help and talk about God.

So there I was at the jumping off point. You guys offered a spiritual solution through the 12 steps and I knew it worked because I saw it and you. But I wasn't willing to do it because I was really, really scared because it had been so long since I talked about God and I just didn't think that God had anything up to offer me. And I certainly didn't think I could recover

God consciousness and meth death,

they're both really unattractive choices. So if you've been there, then welcome, welcome. We can help you.

So these people showed up in my life. I got out of treatment that second time and I got home and I got connected to people and it was a little different. I realized some urgency was there and I and I knew some places to go. So I went to some meetings and I met some people who had a fire about them and, and they had this thing coming from the inside out. You know what I'm talking about.

They had that spirit in that life. And you know, you want to be around them, but you're kind of afraid and you're still kind of tweaked out like God. They look like they really have something going on that I want, but I don't know how to get around them. And here's what they did. And here's what we do for you, you newcomers. We grab ahold of you. They grabbed ahold of me and they pulled me in and they sent me down and they said, you sit here, you'd be quiet like short sentences, right?

You hear you SH?

You can. You can track out all you want, but just be quiet. You get one trip to the coffee and one trip to the bathroom. That's it.

And those people saved my life. I'm not judging you if you go five times to the bathroom, but if you're five years sober and you're getting up five times, come on y'all. So,

so here's the thing. Those people saved my life. There was a guy that used to break into houses that was a trucker who was an, you know, an armed robber dug the armed robber in the recovered addict. There was a girl named Don who wore glitter on her tits, which I thought was fabulous. You know, is somebody here wear glitter on their tits? Somebody clapped.

Yeah. And it's a man. That's it. Yeah, it's great. You're the one from South Boston, right? Yeah. So here's the deal, Don. And then there was this woman named Zuma who worked at the Chanel makeup counter. And then there was this other woman named Bethany who worked at a treatment center. And there were several other people, this guy named Jared and. And lots of really intimidating people. And they got me in a room and they set me down and they said, so how do you think you're going to get out from under? What do you think you're going to do?

And they qualified me. No one had ever taken the time to sit me down and talk to me about how I was suffering from a threefold illness. Nobody had ever sat down and talked to me about what it meant to be an addict and about how I was going to go back and use drugs against my will. Every single time, they helped me connect the dots. They showed me my history. They gave me my body of evidence that I could not deny. Sitting in that ugly little room with those people who I had I'd never seen before in my life, they rendered first aid to me. They saved my life

and I'm forever grateful for them.

Later on they told me that they did that because it was saving their own life and I didn't understand that. But now I do. And I hope that you get a chance to see that someday too and experience that in your life. Here's what they did for me. They said, look, you have a fatal progressive illness. You are a meth addict. You're not just some garden variety alcoholic that had a flat on your three series. You're a meth addict. OK. Like you do certain things that you that you cannot talk about in an A, a meeting. You have gotten to the right place,

so you don't have a lot of time to waste. You don't have a lot of time to waste. So we got to get you through the steps really quickly. But first, let's sit down and let's talk about what it means to be an addict. And they went through the first step with me. And they showed me about how I was bodily different, how I was spiritually broken and how I was mentally screwed. And that I was going to buy the lie that somehow I could control and enjoy it. Or at least, you know, eke out a little bit more pleasure from it over and over and over again. And I believe them. I saw the doom there

and they told me that there was a solution, but that it was going to make me bristle that we were going to talk about God and we were going to have to have a spiritual experience. And all I know is that guys, I was so broke and I was so utterly destituted at that point. Remember, I've been to treatment centers, I've been to jail. I've gone to a lot of meetings. I'd set in a lot of rooms. I'd read a lot of self help books. I had locked myself in a lot of adult bookstores while the money ran out. I had been to a lot of bath houses and renewed every three days and Febreze my clothes to stay there.

I had been to I had done everything I possibly could. So no more answers left. I had one shot and I am so grateful for being that broken and being that completely destitute. One shot. So I took a hold of these people's hand and I got this sponsor, this girl named Rain, who flipped her hair a lot and she was really intimidating. And at first I thought she had Tourette's. And I was like,

she's really intense. I don't know what the sign for that is, but I want to know later what it is for Tourette's so.

But I was real.

I was really, I was really intimidated.

So I was really, really intimidated by her. But again, I saw this woman and I was like, you know what? She's got something going on that I want and I'm really scared of her. And she said things to me like, call me here, meet me here. Do this, Here's this work, you do it. And she had me on this clip and on this rhythm. And she kept telling me, buddy, does your life depend on it or not? How free do you want to be? And then she'd hang up on me. And I was like rude

ah she saved my life. I called her today and I told her that and she said

when the students ready, the teacher appears. And she hung up on me.

I was like, Los Angeles is fabulous. And she's like, I'm eight months pregnant. When the students ready, the teacher appears. Click.

So she took the emotion and the feelings out of everything. I'm kidding. She took she took the emotion and the feelings that I came in with and this vibrating hot mess of spiritual brokenness. She took it away from me and she said let's focus on the facts.

Let's look for the facts in this thing. Are you an addict or are you not? If so, you're screwed. We got to get through the steps. We got to get you connected to a power greater than yourselves. And, and I did. I worked the steps like my life depended on it. For the first time, I knew that my life did depend on it. I wasn't powerlessness ish. I wasn't.

Is that a word? I made that up. Thank you. I made that up

so

I wasn't powerlessness ish and write that down, Sam, that's good. We'll use that in Dallas. So and I wasn't I wasn't broken ish and I wasn't dying ish. I was a dying man dying man. So rain would meet me at the Starbucks and she would make me do this work. And she read the book with me line by line. And she said this is the textbook. This is what's going to get you out from under. And I don't want to scare you, but as soon as you get to the 12th step, which isn't about 3 weeks, you're going to go do this for somebody else.

And I was like, well, I don't, I don't know about that. Certainly not at this Starbucks, you know, not here.

I've been on my knees in a lot of places, but I'm not doing it at this Starbucks. You know, maybe it's some random Peet's coffee, but not here. So,

so

here's the thing, here's the thing, how am I doing on time in 10 minutes? OK, so here's the thing. I found my purpose. Y'all, all my life I had watched my family and I looked at these people that reared me and gave me this beautiful life and I'd watch them and I and I I didn't know how to facilitate the life they had, right? I didn't know how to do that life. I didn't know how to go through and get the the woman and have the kids and get the NBA and all of the things we're supposed to have. I didn't know, but she taught me, rain taught me through the steps that I could have a life, that

God could show me what my purpose was. And she asked me one night right before the 10th step, before we read the 10th step and after we read the 9th step promises, which were so amazing. And if you're new and you're reading the promises on the wall and they look scary and daunting and like a fairy tale, welcome. They're true, they're real. And I went home and she said, she called me and she said, I want you to get down on your knees tonight. And I want you to ask God to show you what your real purpose is,

not show you what your next job is, not show you what your next move is. Your little plan is but to to reveal to you over the next years of your life what your real purpose is.

And I want you to sit back and I want you to open your eyes and I want you to watch and listen for it. Then I want you to go home and get ready to do the 12th step. And I was terrified, you guys, how could I do? I didn't have anything to offer anybody, right? I was still recovering. I needed to sit in the back row a little bit more and nod my head when good things came up, you know, I did. I didn't know what to do,

but when I got to that 12th step and I went out and I found my first sponsee, I did it because rain told me this prayer to pray. And I encourage you to, to pray this if you haven't found a sponsor and you don't know how to work with others and you've been sitting in a lot of meetings,

a lot of this, yes, I'm available. And then hitting the door afterwards, go home and pray this prayer, God of my understanding. Show me somebody who's sick that I can help and give me the eyes to see them and the ears to hear them and the legs to move towards them and go shake their hands and take them by the hand through the steps. And even if they get to the third step or the 4th step, or even if they don't come back after the first time, watch your life explode around you. Watch your life explode around you.

So I found my real purpose. I found out that all of those dark, terrible times, all of that

horrible stuff that I'd been through, all of those awful nightmares and all of those living nightmares with the shadow people and the staff infections and all of the things that happened to us. All of that stuff came in handy. Because I could sit down with one of you who comes into the back of the room that I see. I like to look for the people who are vibrating out of their chair to go to a newcomer meeting. And you start looking at them and they're, you know, they're thinking like, that's a cop. That's cop, you know,

that's a cop. So you just kind of want to go, like, look at him really fast, you know,

like that. Yeah, sorry if you're 30 days sober. I'm a cop. Kidding.

So

you're under arrest.

The doors shut and the lights go off.

So here's the thing. I I found out what my real purpose was and I found out that because of what you all had given me in these rooms, that I had an obligation to the newcomer. I have an obligation to see Mai, have an obligation to sit through every shitty group conscious business meeting that I have to. I have an obligation to. You've been there, haven't you? All of you have.

Yeah. No more meetings for a while, right? So I have an obligation, a debt that I cannot repay. So I can't not go to meetings. I can't stop putting my hand out. It's become a joy and an obligation for me to find the person in the room who looks like they're going to run out the back door because they're terrified, who feels like they never can get sober 'cause you don't understand. I've tried everything. I want to meet you. I want to meet you.

So here's the deal. I'll wrap up CMA.

You guys in the 12 steps gave me a relationship with God that I never thought I could have. I wasn't in this for the God thing. I was in it to stop getting high against my will. I didn't want to get high anymore. I didn't want to find God.

I didn't want to fellowship.

I hadn't had like whole food in a while. Like, I've certainly not missed a meal now, but I hadn't like,

you know, like some flavored water and an occasional little bite of something. And I was like, I'm done. I'm done.

But this relationship that I found with God through the 12 steps and the fellowship, I found with all of you, all my brothers and sisters from wherever you are, and all of the people that are my family, my chosen family in Dallas, that right there supersedes anything else in my life. And because of what you all gave me and the freedom that I have and the peace that you gave me and the ability to have the promises be a real deal in my life, that's the most important thing in my life. And I can't help but give that away.

So serving others and doing the thing that used to make me the most fearful of going out and talking to a newcomer and going to a treatment center,

coming to Los Angeles to talk to people that I don't know but know me

continuing to grow in an understanding and effectiveness with a God. I mean, doesn't that sound crazy when you're a week sober? What? No, it's the most amazing thing in my life. This has given me the abundance that I always saw it through material things. I always thought what I have now and who knew that all I had to do was the 12 steps. So again, if you're a new person in this room or if you're somebody who's been sitting in this room for a while and you've been shopping meetings and you've been shopping places to get sober, or if you just came here because the courts