The Thursday night meeting in Ringwood, Hampshire, UK

Yeah, right. The format of tonight's meeting is that Malcolm will share for 15 to 20 minutes. After that, we'll pick names out of the hat and you will be invited to share from the floor. If your name is picked and you don't want to share, just say pass and we'll move on. We would also ask that you refrain from using bad language. That just leads me to introduce Malcolm.

Thank you, Claire. Good evening, everybody. My name is Malcolm and I'm an addict.

Thanks for asking me to share Toby.

Not so grateful right at the moment, but I'm sure we'll be by the end of the share.

Always get very nervous. I don't like sharing. It's part of the deal with staff said I was really you know in the beginning I was asked if I was willing to go to any lengths and obviously I lied and said yes and this is just part of them length so I need to go to and it doesn't seem to matter. I've been here been around a few weeks now in

I still get that anxiety. You know, my heart's racing and and I think, you know, before it's almost like when I first started was first after share a little while back in and I think there might have been some ego involved in that. And I've been around before and you know, I wanted to impress you and I wanted you all to like me and stuff like that, you know, and it, but like, you know what, today I've kind of

over a period of time, most of that, I've let go of that. Do you know what I mean? I'm not, I'm not.

This ain't about what you think of me. It's about what I think of you. Do you know what I mean? And what I think of CA? I'm not a spokesman for CA, you know, I hear all that. But on some level I'm kind of representing tonight. Do you know what I mean? I'm representing, you know, my sponsor, my home crew, CA as a whole. Do you know what I mean? And myself, I suppose, you know, and God, in this program,

you know, actually I do get nervous, so I tend to Babble. You've already had a little bit of that.

What I do, my normal trick is I take my glasses off, you all go a bit fuzzy and it takes the pressure off a little bit. Yeah. Cool.

So, so, So what? What am I doing here? What am I doing here tonight? You know, I I can tell you for from the off. What?

I know why I'm not here. I'm not here because I used to drink too much or take too many drugs, you know,

I'm here because I couldn't take enough drugs and I couldn't drink enough to to to cure, to overcome, to block out the fill up what I now know to be a spiritual malady. You know that,

you know,

I'll talk about my, my background a bit because I do that, because I, but what I tend to do is kind of go right off on one about what it was like and you know how bad it was. You know, I need you to know how bad it was for me. You know, I'm the Real McCoy, of course, let you know people, you know the real deal. You know what I mean? I'm I'm the lowest bottom feeder of the bottom feeders.

Do you know what I mean? Our bottom feeder all out of the room, man,

you know what I mean. You ain't seen nothing till we've better, you know, and all that stuff. You know that you know, there's you know, I was talking about you know, I look at that, right, I was just telling you about it's all about you and straight away like that. It's all about me again. Do you know what I mean? It's just just what this disease do to me, man. So, you know, blind sized me all the time.

So yeah, I used to take drugs. I used to drink a lot, you know, as a drug addict. And I was an alcoholic from a relatively young age and, and used to take a lot of drugs. I'm pretty sure that I used to take a lot more than some of the people in this room. And I'm also pretty sure that I didn't take as much as some of the people in this room, you know, and, and what what kind of, you know, we hear in the we're in the readings.

This ain't about how much I took, you know, And it's not about, it's not about that. And it's not particularly about what I took, you know,

and I now know today that, you know, that my, my background also has nothing to do with the fact that I'm an addict and an alcoholic. You know, the way I was raised,

the way I was potty trained has nothing to do with me being an addict. Do you know what I mean? And now I was kind of, but for years, see, I thought it was because I was kind of dragged up and

I was dragged up. It was alcohol rounds and there's, you know,

drugs. But obviously back then, 'cause I'm not a youngster, so back then there wasn't that kind of that stuff around, you know what I mean? But even in, in my parents house days, they had, there was drugs in the house, you know what I mean? But they weren't drug addicts, they were Alcoholics and there was always alcohol around. And I'm pretty sure I took my first drink before I could remember, you know, and but I can remember the first drink I took.

You know, some people say, oh, you know, I can remember the first time I took every single truck. And it's like, that's not, that's not my reality.

But I do know that I did get addicted to every single drug I took. And that's not everyone's experience as well. And I know that because of certain drugs that are considered non addictive were very problematic to me. You know, stuff like cannabis non addictive, right? Caused me, you know,

I smell that stuff every day for like, you know, 25 years until I found crack cocaine. I smoke that stuff every day. And now, you know, it was very problematic,

problematic to me. I, you know, I've got it used to cripple me, you know, it put me so much fear, you know, and all that stuff. But the thing was, see, I used to, I used to, I used to sell a bit. So I'm, you know, I might go, yeah. I was just a big drug dealer, right? Do you know what I mean? I was, I was a geezer and, and, and that's what I've done. See, I, I, I left school and I've seen some people. I've seen this one man and he's actually in the fellowship now down in Weymouth and he needs to be my, my, it's my first sponsor, right? He's my

and he lived in a house up Westbourne. He had this lovely big flat, he had two great big motorbikes, big American car. He had two women who lived with him. All that was great. And he had as much money and drugs as he wanted. And I thought, you know what, that's what I want. That's what I want to be. And that's what I inspired to be, you know,

so, so, so that's what I, you know, that's what I set out to do. You know, like I said, my my background was quite pretty chaotic and, and

there's a lot of violence and stuff from the household and, and I suppose when I ended up in psychiatric ward before, you know, it's not from taking out of DI mean. What happened is I take LSD every day for 18 months and I stopped taking LSD and LSD stops don't want to stop taking me. So six weeks later I'm still tripping in and it's getting a bit edgy. Do you know what I mean? And now, now I can kind of rely on alcohol right at that moment because it's right. At least he's getting a bit scary.

But the Volka chilled me out, you know. But obviously six weeks later, I'm, I'm, I'm ended up, I mean the doctors and I'm telling him what's happening, what he asked me what I'm seeing right now and I'll tell him what's going on in this room that I'm sat in here with. And at least the room comes back with a bit of paper, says

turn up here tomorrow and if you don't turn up, we'll send the police out to come and get you. And it was Saint Anne's local and then I'll get down there. And they said, I said, well, you know, come and go, right? They said, well, you can go if you want, but you all end up in a secure unit if you decide to leave, you know, and I was section of the mental Section 5 and mental health fact, you know, and in there they told me that that I was like I was because of the way I was raised, because I was

physically, mentally abused and because of the amount.

And they were like basically one, of course, you know what? We look at your background in this. No wonder you turned out like you have because of what happened to you when you as a child, you know, and, and, and no wonder you use like you do. And I kind of thought, well, that's weird because I thought I used because I love using, but I love some of that because it give me someone to blame, right? Do you know what I mean? It give me, give me another thing, give me a reason to carry on. Not that I could have stopped because that's why I took LSD every

fighting my top 'cause it was there, I couldn't stop it. Same with the cannabis. It was in the room, you know, and I often said about this, I wake up in the morning, I've got all this stuff to do, right? I'm, I'm a busy man. Yeah, I've got a lot of stuff to do. I've got people see stuff that get in the news and get in the news and that's what I've got to do. And first thing I, so, you know, I'll get out there and I'd have a bong

and it'd be cut and shot and Trisha on the TV and that would be it. And I can't leave the room then until I've had some other, some else to, to Get Me Out of this head state. I mean, so then until I've, you know, hit a spin and then on bit edges when you'd have a bottle of vodka to get me over that, you know what I mean? And and, and on it goes. And, you know, so, you know, I remember, you know, one of the first drugs I, I took was the glue she loved.

I'm thirteen years old and I'm got a glue bag in my hand. And, and it's, it's kind of strange that I'm fine myself at the age of 23, rolling round Glastonbury with a glue bag in my hands, you know, and everyone's what you're doing and I'm popping these with a glue bag in it. And it's because I kind of picked this stuff up and I couldn't seem to put it down. Everything that that changed the way I felt was I kind of had that to have it. And so, so, and I went through the, the normal progression, what I call that, you know, for

of my age, if you know the path, the speed, the ease, you know, then it's like, I mean, obviously, I mean, I was intravenous and then, then it's like the heroine, then the cocaine and then the crack and, and then it's like the only psychotics. And then I'm buying. Then I end up at the end of my using, I'm I'm buying memory off the street. I'm buying like gagged off the street

and Rohit, no off the street. And that's the kind of drugs I'm taking because they're the only thing that can block my my own mind from me. And if you experience any drugs, they're not, they're not user friendly.

I wouldn't advise having no one going and having a nice warm bath like I used to. It's kind of dangerous thing to do. So that that's where I found myself. And and you know, years before I stopped my using was done. You know, I can sit here now and, and I was just on my knees in the toilet downstairs, which is it's been a while since I've done that, but I'm not here to share my step forward. Y'all right

anyway, anyway, right, you know, and it's like you know that that stuff, you know, thinking about the stuff of the way I've been and you know, and I remember, you know, I'll get this with the ecstasy and getting your favorite recall stuff. And you know, well that wasn't so bad was it? You know the eats weren't so bad. Well, they may not have been for a short period of time, but I'll tell you what I was. I was the person who you see

and they sat in the corner of the room with his eyes rolled back and sick all over himself.

I'd go to array for a bag full of these to make some money and I'll wake up in the morning

with empty pockets and a sore ass thinking what happened last night. Do you know what I mean? And and

get on that. Yeah, yeah. And, and and, you know, that's the kind of stuff that that's what happened to me. And, and, you know, I end up waking up, you know, at the age of 30 something. And, you know, at the time I've got got some stuff again, like a wife and some children,

you know, and, and it ain't good. And before I even open my eyes, I'm thinking, not another day, I can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore, you know, and I've got drugs next to me. I've got heroin, I've got crack, got benzos. I've got stuff next to my bed. I'm thinking I can't, just can't do this there anymore, you know, and, and,

but for me, I'll get taken out of society and put into a treatment centre via the courts. And I'll go through that process and I'll leave the treatment centre and it's all about bridge, normal living. And I'll cut a Long story short a year later, because all I'm doing is I'm going to meetings and I'm not doing anything else. I'll do a bit of step work when it gets painful for me because that's what we used to do. And

see where I went, where I used to go, where I went. It was down in Weymouth from back then. It was a it was a little while ago. And what

in the bruises? Just don't take the first one.

Just don't drink, just don't use and you feel right. And in my experiences, I wasn't alright. You know what, what happens to me, you know, is, is when I stop drinking and using, my life gets worse. And that's weird because there's a little old lady down there. When I first arrived and I, one of my first meetings, I heard her say, if you want to know what you're drinking and using, just stop. And I thought, what are you on about? I, I have stopped and I'm all right now, you know, I just need to get some stuff, you know, I need some new trainers, I need a new bird. I need this,

you know, I need some stuff and I'll get this stuff. And then and like my mate says that they just, I just ended up to be beer tokens. That stuff, man, you know, you come and it went and and I found myself waking up in the morning in like Aladdins cave or flat and and thinking the same thing. Not another day. I can't do this anymore, you know, I get restless, irritable, discontent and I start feeling suicidal and I get these three thoughts running through my head.

I want to drink. I don't want to drink. I want to drink. I don't want to drink. And in the one in the middle was throw S out the window because I lived on the 1st floor. And what I've done is I drunk that I went back out there and it lasted 18 months and I'll come back in and things I knew something out to change. Do you know what I mean? I'll get myself a sponsor. And within two weeks he sacked me. And I'm like, what about the newcomer? What? Where's the love? Where's the love? You know, And I lost

stuff, you know, I think that's the most loving thing anyone's ever done for me. What that man done. He said to me, you're not a newcomer. You'll keep coming back up. Piss off and don't talk to me no more. I ain't going to sponsor you. Don't ask me. And, and that, you know, I went home that night and and and I put my head in my hands and I cried because I knew how much trouble I was in, you know, and and the treatment centre just asked me to leave. They just kicked me out. They didn't ask me. Leave it. Tommy's go get out. That's why I don't even. I don't even knew. And they said, yeah, no. But nothing's changed.

And then my sponsor sat me and and you know, and the realization dawn, just like I stopped drinking the news in. And then the only other thing I've got to change is everything

is right. And it's like, well, how is that going to happen? How am I going to do that? And my mom will remember my mom grabbing me. When you going to grow up, boy? When you going to grow up ragging me around and that and cause 'cause growing old, see, Paul wasn't growing up. And I didn't know how to do that. I didn't know how was that? How was I going to get that? And

I went back to the to the meeting the next week and I've got myself a sponsor and hardcore sponsor. Well, you know, I thought, I thought I thought he'd be deaf. This man would be different because I know his mum, right? I know his mum really well. And yeah, really, really well.

And it wasn't no different. He may have even known. That's why he was such a bastard to me. I don't know. But no, you know what? You know, a joke on the side.

He, you know, he didn't what he want prepared to do. He wasn't prepared to sound the short. He won't prepare to mess me about. And he definitely wasn't prepared to take responsibility for my recovery and he didn't. He should do it or or bounce. Do you know what I mean? And you know what, I'd had enough and threw my hands up and he told me I was going to grow up. He's going to take me through the steps.

She's going to get complete change of thought and attitude because that's what I needed, that's what growing up was. And so that's what he'd done. Took me through the steps

I'm not sat here tonight clean and sober from the steps I took 11 1/2 years ago. I'm sat out there tonight in a Saber from the stuff I've done this morning, stuff I've done last night, the stuff I've done throughout the day, the stuff I'm doing now, you know, and I'll do some more stuff later. You know

what, What I do right now, I was trying to meet in the other week and I heard someone going on about the real deal. I just spoke about them, The real alcohol and the real alcoholic. I'm the real addict. That's me. That's what I am, right? But the weird thing is with that right, is I only know that I'm the real of deal because I'm doing this stuff.

I'll tell you what happened to me, right? I was on holiday before last and I've done my suggestions out there. I've got a daily routine. I do that stuff. I do some stuff in the morning, I do some stuff at night and and throughout the day. The only person I've got to work with and I've got to work quite hard at times is my partner because I'm on all day with her. But it's not enough see And so, so and I was fine. I was having a great time. In fact, I was having a blinding time. Didn't miss. I didn't miss you lot. Didn't even miss you, Gavin. Who'd have known it?

And then I didn't miss the meetings. And I didn't miss, certainly didn't miss skill calls for my responses.

No, Sandy, you know, but I didn't miss that stuff. So what what happens to me is it it's my starts going well, you are all right. I'm all you're all right. Well, perhaps you can do less. Perhaps I don't need to go and do this stuff over here, see, Because. Because me taking my foot off the gas just slightly,

the lights were ready. They are running in my mind. It's already coming at me. It's already telling me that I may not actually be the real deal and that I may not actually need to do this stuff. When I come back and I start getting involved, I can see it for what it is. The awareness dawns on me that is the lie. All thoughts, you know, all them, all that stuff. So you want that thought panel do is leave me back to use it because it will leave me back to you can just have one.

But in this respect, but it's the other day. It's not the first one that does the damage because my it was always like, oh, I'll just have one. I'll just have one. And it's like it's kind of bothered because I just I just have as much as I can get, But but that one of I'll just have one. It's not see, it's not that one. They just don't take the first drink. It's not that one that will do the damage,

it's a it's having no mental defence against the fault to take the first one. That's what we'll do the damage to me. So that's what I need to be working the steps to have a defense, to have a defense against the four of the first one.

What it gives me as well is so much more. See, don't just give me a defence against that. Give me a defense against life stuff. Because when life see and I'm not, I'm not, I'm not waiting around for life to show up and kick me in the bollocks before I do some stuff, you know, I do some stuff first so that when life turns up, I've got a fence, you know, and, and So what happens is when I'm doing this stuff on a daily basis. So I've got to say most of the time 95% of daily stuff

doesn't affect my internal condition because I have a defence. When stuff don't go my way particularly, I have a defence and it doesn't affect my internal condition, don't affect me internally.

So I remain from the most part, happy joys are free. I'm not saying I'm skipping through the daisies all the time because that's not that's not being realistic. What I can say is that you know what I thought the 40 construct me, You know, down there is it.

The obsession left me 11 half years ago. It's not returned.

How miraculous is that? This mental obsession that used to taunt me, that drove me to drink and use everyday, Couldn't put nothing, you know, not my wife, not my kids, not not my, you know, the stuff, the list of stuff that that I tried to put before it just fell by the waist diet. It had me

and it's gone, you know, what is that? Where does that go? You know, I turn to God and this stuff, that's what I get restored to sanity, you know, and you know, and so, so I do what I do this stuff, I do this stuff. It comes first for me, you know, I'm I'm engaged to the most beautiful young lady, you know, I don't know what she can't well do that. I don't know what she sees in me, man, you know, And I've got a saying that, you know that if she come before one of you know, tonight, she's gone, right?

You're not, you know, showing a meal, the meeting. I'd be saying to her, go and pick a suitcase. I'll call you a cat because this stuff comes first. You know, it comes before my children. I've only got what I've got in my life because of this stuff. And I do this daily stuff as well because I recover behind. I'll cover it and don't get me wrong, but I'm not going to recover. Just sat in this chat. If I was going to do that, I would have stole this chair a long time ago.

I recovered behind the closed door. I recover. You know the stuff that you don't see me see,

see, because it's easy. You know, when I speak to people and it's like we've got a triangle, right? Do you know what I mean? And a service unity and recovery and and and it's like service is like I can come here and I can do service. I can go to my home or do my service. In fact, when I first come around, I was chest out service boy, and it was great. You know what I mean, because I wanted you to see me was doing this service. You see in the same in I can just do that stuff. And it's the same with unit. I'll Chuck an arm round and it's right. We're going this way and it's all

fired in all that, see, And when I speak to people, they don't say to me, I relax because I wasn't doing enough service or I relaxed because I wasn't doing enough unity. Now what I hear is they really, because they wasn't doing the recovery part of the triangle, they weren't working the steps into their life and recovering, doing what they need to do for their recovery. Because obviously for me to do what you need to do for your recovery, see, I can do that because you probably do less than me when, well, if you do more, I wouldn't even be looking at you. Do you know what I mean?

Because I only look at people who do less than me. I aspire to do that because I'm lazy. But that's what puts me in danger as well because I think I can get away with doing less. This is about being the same, just about drinking, not drinking and using. This is about being happy Joyce and free. And that's what I want. So, you know, in that one, that old saying of how free do you want to be? You know, and I don't know about you people, but I want to be free. So I do what I need to do to keep myself free.

Sometimes I need, I need to be shown. I've got, I've got shown tonight by Gav

of all people walking up, right? I'll have a reaction. My reaction. We kind of person of what people right around you love me. Tell me the shots. I can't buzz, you know, And then they look over it and turn to God. And that's what I do. I'll take direction off anybody who's willing to give it to me. Do you know what I mean? And and I'll grab hold of that humility. You know what? I'm starting to ramble, so I'm going to shut up. Thanks for asking me again. Thanks for letting me share.

Cheers.