The 23rd annual convention in Birmingham, UK

Well with that it leaves me with nothing more to do at this time than to introduce a man

who I've got to know personally. And those of you that know me, I'm quite a judge mental person. And

I, I base, I base my,

I base my judgement on people, on what they do, not what they say they do. And I've I've been blessed to watch this man in action and went into a prison with him in Arizona.

And I've seen him speak. I've met men that he sponsored and, and, and I see what he does in his locality. He's a soldier of Cocaine Anonymous and

someone special.

I'm going to let him tell you about himself. It gives me a great pleasure to introduce to you our closing speaker, Eric O from Arizona.

My name is Eric. Drug addict.

Man,

it is so cool to be here.

Who am I kidding?

When did I ever use a glass?

I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for for helping me to fall in love with Cocaine Anonymous all over again.

In the States, we obviously the birth place of Cocaine Anonymous. It's big, you know, it's big and it's old and there are a lot of people. It's not uncommon for me to go to one of my home groups and and see somebody pick up a 30 year chip in Cocaine Anonymous. 40 year chip in Cocaine Anonymous, right? But man, that you guys have a lot of passion, you know what I mean?

The passion and the unity and the love that you guys carry is just absolutely melted my heart, man.

So I just want to thank you for letting me be here. Thank you to the committee. Thank you everyone who's shown me so much graciousness and kindness. So many faces that I've known from other places and seen here again. Thank you, Russell and Maria for putting me up in your home and feeding me a home cooked meal. Ricky for the humor, my good friend Sam that I get to cross paths with from the other side of the planet, running into Howard and Jackie and Phillip. Just so many people, right? And I've left a ton of people out now, right. But

thank you so much, you know, just for all Lulu, for all the love and

for just reminding me of what it is we do. You know, I've talked to so many new best friends here, right? And, you know, it's like I didn't know what I was coming into. Yeah, but you have no idea where your wives flew 5 1/2 thousand miles to come. You know, I have no idea what I'm walking into, right? And and I get here and within, you know, my first two days here

for four people say this guy Richard save their life, right?

And and then he shares and reads Schumacher, man, you know, and I knew I was home, right? Schumacher's the man. Schumacher also said, along with stand by the door of the beautiful poem that Richard read last night, Schumacher said. He said to those God would use, he simply reduces to nothing.

Anybody relay

right and and I knew I was home. You know, I knew I knew I was in cocaine anonymous, man, cocaine anonymous for the could I see I'm just curious right. I'm just who hears in the first year. If you wouldn't mind, just raise your hand

I.

Cocaine Anonymous is alive and well in England. For those of you that are new, that don't quite know what's happening here, I,

in case you missed it, right, Cocaine Anonymous is in the business of miracles. That's what happens here. You know, Cocaine Anonymous is in the business of miracles And and to be maybe a little more exact, Cooking Anonymous is in the business of refurbishing disposable people, right

That you you guys told me that there was number such thing as disposable people.

There was

no such thing as disposable people. And I was absolutely sure I was a disposable person when I got here,

you know, and maybe some of you are. And if that's where you're at, welcome home. Welcome to

the refugee camp of the soul, right? I mean, we're the people who have been orphaned by our families, who've been ostracized and alienated. And when we wander through these doors as refugees, right? Welcome to the sacred, insane asylum of Cocaine Anonymous.

I hope that you find half the home I have here.

I heard in a meeting years ago when I walked in the doors you could still smoking Cocaine Anonymous. I'm since some grimy meeting. You know, I'm from Phoenix, AZ, which is like the American desert and it's hot and dry.

I'm sitting in some grimy little meeting and then just chain smoking. I heard a guy say. He said.

He said, I live, I'm sober and I live a life better than anything I could ever dream, right? And I'm 30 days sober and I'm sitting in some shady little meeting, right? And I thought to myself, man, you are a shitty dreamer buddy, you know?

But that's just not the case, right? What I didn't see, what I couldn't see from my 30 days of where I was at,

was that the dream that he was talking about, the dream that was impossible for him to dream, wasn't something that can be seen. You know, it wasn't something that can be seen with the eyes, right? It's only something that can be felt with the soul, right? And the dream that the life I get to Live Today, that's something I could have never dreamed. Is that in here

where I live, it's calm, you know, and in here where I live, it's quiet. And that's unthinkable for a guy like me. That is absolutely unthinkable for a guy like me, right. And you guys gave me that life. So I owe you my life. You know, I was coming through Heathrow and I got to the UK Border, right where they do the little passport, you know, and, and I get there and it's a long line and, and,

and my heart goes out to all the people of Brussels and Paris and everything that's happening in the world.

But but the line was big. Maybe as a result of that, maybe it's like that all the time. I couldn't tell you. But I get to the little checkpoint, the little guy checking passports, He looks at my passport. He looked at me and he goes, he goes, why are you here? And I should have just said I'm visiting, you know, 1000 new VFS, right?

I should have kept. It's fucking simple. But I didn't,

I'm out of my element, you know, I just, I just, I'm the closing speaker of a convention, you know, and he goes, he goes, what convention?

And I said Cocaine Anonymous man, you know,

And he looked at me like I had two heads. And

he said what

I said, a Cocaine Anonymous convention, you know, and then he just totally fucked me up, right? He said. He said. What qualifies you to be the closing speaker to come in?

Which is not a question you ever ask yourself,

right? In fact, I go to great lengths to never ask myself that question.

And, and I knew for sure in that moment that if I told him the truth, he would not understand,

you know, that in this setting that there's, there's nothing I can say to this man that what you know, well, I burnt my life to the ground and there was a lot of overdoses and a SWAT team and, you know, some incarcerations. And you know, my mother was pissed at me for half my life and I was angry at her for having me

and that wouldn't fly very. So I just,

I just said, I don't know, I guess I'm 10 years sober, right? And he goes. He just looked at me like I had the fucking plague,

as though as though whatever I have were contagious, and stamped my passport and waved me through. Right.

Uh, but I know and you know, I know that what qualifies me for this is grace, right? And nothing else, Absolutely nothing else. I'm not qualified to this. I'm not qualified to do anything that happens in my life. I'm not qualified to live the life I live, right?

I, I, I live, I live the life of a dead man's dream, you know, And I'm not qualified to look to people I love in the eye, telling the truth. Make a promise and keep it.

I'm not I'm not qualified to make it to work on time. I'm not qualified to be lovable. I'm not qualified for any of that shit. You know, I live the life I live by grace and grace alone, you know, and as, as, as we all do, right? And it and that in that grace, there's just a very thin veil of grace that stands between mean and all out war at any given moment, right. And,

and I love you guys for allowing me to be here and for the experience, right. So what I love about Cocaine Anonymous is, is the experiential nature

of the spiritual life, right? The experiential nature of what happens here, that we come here

and we give ourselves to this thing. And if you walked in on Friday and you gave yourself to this thing and have been a part of this thing throughout, you cannot leave your unchanged.

You cannot leave here unchanged. And I won't either. And, and I love that, right? And that's what happened in the steps. And that's what happens in Cocaine Anonymous. And that's, that's what we do here. The experiential nature that what I, what I love, one of the things I fell in love with with you guys is that you guys understand that Cocaine Anonymous is a verb, not a noun, right? You guys understand that this isn't a thing. We are a place we go. It's a thing we do,

you know, and that only by a series of actions will it bring about the necessary experience

to keep me from robbing somebody for another hit of dope tomorrow, you know? And

I don't know, I guess before I carry on too long, I should tell you something about myself because that's what we do, right?

So like I said, man, I'm from Phoenix, AZ, right? Which is just South of the Mexican border and just a little ways from Los Angeles. It's a major hub for the import of narcotics that flow into the United States through Mexico, right? And I, I took great advantage of that throughout most of my life.

But you know, that's where I'm from. It's hot, it's dry, it's sunny. It's the exact opposite of everything that you have here. So I'm really,

I'm really appreciating this weather, believe it or not, right? I was 95 when I jumped on an airplane. And so,

you know, I don't know, man, I had an average American childhood, right? Like I had an average American childhood. And what I mean by that is my father left my mom before I was born.

My mom married my stepdad when I was 3 1/2. He was a drunk and he was abusive. He did a lot of things I didn't understand. You know, shot the family dog with a shotgun once 'cause he didn't do what he wanted to do. He would invite the neighbor foster kids over that I would have fist fights with.

And if I didn't do what I was supposed to do or what he wanted me do, he would invite the foster kids over to help him work on the family car and Pam, which I didn't understand, you know what I mean? And you know, there's a lot of stuff that went down in my life, right? But I don't believe that that's what made me and drug addict. I don't believe that at all, right? And I don't say any of that stuff to get your sympathy. It's just my story, right? And what I know about my story is it doesn't have to own me today. I am not the store. I'm not the story. I'm not the collection of events that happened in my life, right?

And and that as a result of Cocaine Anonymous, I have found the means to transcend the broken story, right? But the thing that you know, made me a drug addict wasn't the events that happened, right? The thing that made me a drug addict is it somewhere in Sunny Slope, Arizona, a sperm hit an egg once and not a drug addict became, you know, and I need look no further than that, right? That

the circumstances of my life might have exacerbated the situation, might have fueled the fire, but they didn't create it, right? I believe that I was born a drug addict, you know,

and why I believe that is that my first conscious thoughts and memories of being on planet earth with you wonderful people is of feeling alone. You know, my first conscious memories, thoughts, feelings, I think before I could walk or talk or crawl.

We're a being in the presence of my own mother, who I know loved me very much, and

feeling infinitely alone. You know, like infinitely alone. Not like I was born

with this sense of loneliness inside of me, but that I was born into a bottomless, endless, lonely world. And that was just a small

immeasurable spec inside it, you know? And that was the feeling that lived inside of me from day one. And that's the feeling I still work with today, right? It's the reason I'm a meditator. It's the reason I'm a member of Cocaine Anonymous. It's the reason I endlessly give my life to service and live the way that I do today, right? Because that's still there, you know, That's still there. And, and it must be treated, right? But I didn't know that, right? I didn't know that when I was a kid. I didn't know that growing up, you know,

umm, so I wide knuckled childhood as best I can, you know, I don't know how it started without you guys. You know, I, like I said, I, I, my father left my mom before I was born. My step dad was kind of drunk, a little violent and my I failed to kindergarten, right? I don't know, do you guys have kindergarten? And it's just like the 1st grade of school, right? Like I failed that son of a bitch and

and

I don't know why I didn't think I had untreated alcoholism. You know, I

I was hit by a car, had three concussions when temporarily blind. Gave myself my first tattoo in the 6th grade trying to impress a girl that was not impressed. It wouldn't be the last unimpressed girl or the last tattoo, but that's what happened.

And

you know, man, I don't know how you guys got started. I got started with the booze and the pills and the weed and the codeine syrup and huffing gas like most 11 year olds. And

it was just like all uphill from there, right?

You know, I don't find anything that's super relevant about that. You know, I held out as long as I could. And you know, it's like, I think I was born a seeker. You know, I was, I was born looking for something I didn't have from day one, right? And it was just the next thing to happen. You know the guy named Rumi who said

room, he said. He said lovers don't one day meet each other. They were in each other all along,

right? And, and that was my relationship to a bottle in a bag. You know, it was like this thing that had been inside of me since the beginning of time, just waiting for the key to unlock it and let it out, right. And, and my experience with getting loaded was that it was, pardon the analogy, it was like a newborn baby to the breast, right? You didn't have to teach me anything. We didn't need to understand it. There was no explanation necessary.

It felt natural and it felt perfect from day one,

right? And that was my experience getting loaded, right. I hear a lot of people say in meetings, a lot of things I don't necessarily identify with doesn't make them right or me wrong or vice versa. I heard I hear people talk about the first time they get loaded and it's like I got high and I every the universe made sense for once, right? That eventually happened, but that's not my first experience, right. First time I got loaded I I drank the blackout came to with like vomit holding my eyes shut and

you know smelling like vodka and vomit and swear to God is the coolest thing that ever happened in my life to that point that I would do it again next time I had a chance right I I remember being in my very best friend Rodney Hindi older brothers room. He got into the top dresser drawer. He pulls out this cigarette cellophane with the screen stuff in it. We put it in a pipe and smoked it. I got a really bad headache, passed out on the floor. Later came to realize we smoked a whole bag of seeds and

and I was absolutely positive. That was the coolest thing that happened in my life after that point. Right. And

you know, and that was just, it was just one thing, you know, none of those are relevant. This is what happened right?

I heard a guy once say in a meeting, oh God. So like some things I just don't get right. I heard a guy once and say in a meeting he said my best day sober is better than my worst day loaded. I thought to myself, man, you fucking missed it buddy.

Like, you really blew about, you know,

and I had some great times getting loaded. It was, it wasn't all bad times, right? The rule of thumb is that if a bottle in a bag didn't give so much to me, there's no way it could have taken so much from me, right? And I had some incredible time skin loaded. You know, I remember, I remember being down in Mexico and, you know, Mexico's a great place, right? Mexico's like, I don't know what's the equivalent of that is maybe Amsterdam,

only far less civilized. You can buy the cops there, you know,

And I was in and out of the pharmacies and popping pills and, you know, everybody had handfuls of pharmaceuticals. And we were just taught possibly, you know, it's like tossing meant to each other's face and no idea what's happened. You know, it's just like, and, you know, pop first, ask questions later. And I've gotten this big bag of really bad Mexican cocaine and was just shoveling that's into my nose as fast as I could and.

I got in this really bad

Mexican pot from like a guy with literally from AI think he had a donkey and and it was like it was like black, right. I was just smoking this stuff and I've been drinking tequila and dosakis all day, just just hammering it right, just having a good time. And

and I remember the sun starting to set and and I remember my buddy gave me this acid. It was on Sweet Tarts for the best stuff I ever had. And, and I and I popped this acid and the sun's going down. And this girl Cara, Big Blue eyes, blonde hair. I loved her death.

And I remember being in my tent and the sun goes down and we're in my tent and I'm the acid starting to catch up with me, right? And it's just like everything sort of electric, you know? And, and we're fooling around and clothes start to come off. And I hear she doesn't like this rumble inside of her, right? She goes hold on. And she like throws herself towards the tent door, flings the zipper open,

pops her head out the tent now as a full moon, right? And the the tents on the beach, you know what I mean? The full moon and I could see

like the full moon like reflection off the waves as they rolled in. And she pokes it a little head out and projectile vomits, man, right out of the tent, right? And you get everybody. Anybody ever drink gold Slaughter

Got these little gold flakes in it, right? And so she projectile vomits this gold slugger out the tent door and, and I could see through the moonlight

these gold flakes and these tracers just spewing out of her face.

It was like she was magical, you know?

I remember as I love you

and

we were totally in love till the next day. I mean, that's, that's all I had in me at the time. But

you know, I had sometimes getting loaded man. And I know that you did too, right? I have sometimes to get loaded that if the universe were to recreate itself 1000 more times wouldn't create those circumstances. You know that when getting loaded worked for me, it made me a better man. You know, when getting loaded worked for me, it made me a better man, right? I was able to ask her out. I was able to go for that job. I was able to dream without barriers. I was able to be a better man. The fear just fell off, right? And it was just me and you and I was here and I was present

and when when being loaded worked for me, it made me a better human being, right. But the unfortunate reality and the unfortunate predicament of people like myself is that I bought into a lie and the truth came back to beat the shit out of me one day. And and that's the way it went down, right? So, you know, I don't know this the story of what happened in the middle of like where it started and where it ended. I just don't think it's that relevant, man. You know, I mean, it's what we tell and it's my story and you know, it's how we identify. But I always, I get jammed up on like,

you know, I mean, there was 23 years of being loaded. There's no chance I'm going to tell you all the stories, nor do we need to hear them from this podium today.

Right? Like, what's relevant? I don't know. You know, was it the overdose? Was it, you know, that SWAT team that drugged me out of my house? Is that important? Is it the K9 unit that tore my car apart? Is it the, you know, walk backwards to my voice at gunpoint? Was it the time I let that poor girl down? Or maybe all of them,

you know, was it the evictions? Was it, you know, being thrown out of school or being invited to leave another job? Or, you know, I don't know, right? I don't know what's relevant. Here's what I this the, the gist of it, right? So I, I get invited, I get invited to leave high school 3 semesters in a row for not showing up and

I leave there. I start a little, I go into college really young because I, you know, I've been invited to leave high school

and and I went into college. I did pretty well there because they didn't care if I was loaded. And I have vague recollections. I hardly remember, but I know it happened. I'm still paying for it and I started a business.

That's a relevant story, right? I start this, but I come out of school, I do artwork for a living, commercial art, and I start this little business. It was the beginning of this big swell that happened in the US in the music industry in the 90s. And

and I started doing artwork for a band and for another buddies band and it gets some recognition and then some promoters and labels. And it started, you know, and, and I don't know what you call it here. I'm sure that you have the same thing in America. We call it the American dream, right? And I was lied to is what that was right? I was, I was absolutely lied to by everybody I ever knew, right? And they told me this. They said if you work hard and you know the right things and you know the right people and you get the right job, car, bank,

girlfriends, so on and so forth, you'll be happy.

Anybody else hustled that lie? All right,

So what happened was by the time I was 24 years old, I owned my own warehouse. A few $1000 worth of equipment in the back, a couple guys running, a couple guys in the front doing sales. I'm running around with childhood heroes and famous people, people you would recognize if I told you I'm not into name dropping from the podium. Doesn't really matter. Big rock bands, right? And there's limousines and there's backstage passes and there's, you know, all the stuff, right?

There's an only I don't say that to impress you because I don't think it's that cool. It was everything that my childhood dream told me would make me happy. That's what's relevant about it,

right? It was everything that my childhood dream told me would make me happy, and I would come to on the cold, hard concrete of my own warehouse in a pile of my own drool, incredibly disgusted. I wasn't dead yet. And that's alcoholism, you know what I mean? That's the cruel nature of alcoholism, right? I think for lots of people, that works. I think for lots of people

you get, you know, get all the stuff and, you know, for people like you and you got some credibility and a job and a little money and a car and you're happy. I think that works for people, right? It's never worked for me, right? What I learned in that lesson is that nothing I can see, touch, taste, smell, own, beg, borrow, steal, will ever fix what's broken inside of me, right? Nothing will ever fix what's broken inside of me that I can grasp, right?

What I learned in that space is that what I have is an infinite problem, right? I have an infinite problem. And what I mean by an infinite problem is this, that let's say a cargo truck pulled up in front of the Hilton here today, right? And they pop the back of the cargo truck open and then the cargo truck just stacked top to bottom, front to backside to side.

Heroin, speed, cocaine and Tennessee whiskey, 'cause that's what I like. And

the first thought we would, first reaction when we saw that would be like, oh fuck yes,

right. The second reaction would be shit, we're going to run out,

right?

If that amuses you, if that tickles you in a strange way, that's because you also have an infinite problem.

My mom would not think that was funny

at all.

She would not find a humor in that. And maybe here's what neither.

And so I've got this infinite problem inside of me, right? And no amount, no, no amount of a finite anything will solve it for me, right? If the English Channel were Tennessee, whiskey would never be enough, right?

If you follow where I'm going with that, right, there just isn't enough to fix what's empty and broken inside of here, right? And I sell off the business. I moved to Orange County, California, just South of Los Angeles. I figure maybe the ocean will solve it. I don't know,

you know that, you know, Surf City, USA and and when I found there was I'd left Arizona because she was lame and and they were not great. You know, they were assholes and the sheriff sucks and I'm in and out of jail and,

and I moved to California and what happens is all the people I had ran from,

I recreated in my life, you know what I mean? And I learned another valuable lesson that I think it's you, right? You're the problem. You're that you, you, you. I didn't realize that I had hand-picked everybody in my life to fulfill a need for me, right? And then until I change, I will continue to hand pick those people over and over and over again, right? And I move back to Arizona because I realize California doesn't have any solutions for me And

and I probably would have gone well, but it took me with me, you know, the old cliche and it was a burn it to the ground there as well. I moved back to Arizona, you know, and it's just like I came here. I went there, you know. So here's where it ends up, right? Because I'd like to talk about being sober,

but it ends up 34 years old. I'm living in a car, which wasn't a bad car, but it made a terrible house. And

my driver's license had been suspended for 17 years straight through. So I had no business being in a car. And my suspended drivers license was old enough to drive. And

I hadn't paid taxes in about 15 years, you know, paying taxes in April and hoping to die by tomorrow or two. Totally conflicting philosophies. And Uncle Sam never wins. And I hadn't had a bank account in about 10 years. Deposited a few too many empty envelopes, that sort of thing. You know, the banking institution seemed to blacklist you for that kind of nefarious activity.

And I was unemployed,

you know, and I don't mean like the economy is bad. I mean, like, I'm unemployable, right? Like I'm a very, very sick human being. I,

I weigh about 40 less pounds than I weigh now. I'm kind of a bluish yellowish color. You can see what's happening under my skin through my skin, right? I don't go outside during the daytime much. I have warrants for my arrest and I'm on the run from the cops. I, I regularly lose arguments with myself out loud in front of perfect strangers. And,

and I'm so broken. I'm so broken, you know, everybody decent in my life had walked out and the ones who didn't walk out, I was too ashamed to show face to, you know, and, and I was so alone. I can't describe it to you.

You know, so incredibly broken and so alone that only you guys understand that kind of loneliness.

You know that there just wasn't one single person in my life, not one human relationship, right? And, and my life had gotten really, really, really, really small, right? My name wasn't on any documents. I had no keys to anything other than the car I was in. I had no connections to anything, right? Just very underground, right? Very underground, very inhuman. And one of you wonderful people

rolled up on me. I didn't come looking for Cocaine Anonymous. The idea of you could get sober was not an appealing idea to me, right? I don't know if it's an appealing idea to you, but it wasn't to me. And one of you wonderful people came up to me and said I didn't have to live or die this way, that there was a way out. And I had never heard that before, right? And he said you could get sober if you want. And I remember exactly what I said. I said I really appreciate that. I'm very busy. I got to go. Thanks.

And

I mean, my problem isn't a bottle in a bag. You know what I mean? My problem is not a bottle in a bag, right? My problem is that I have the disease of addiction. I have alcoholism, right. I, you know, it's like my, it's like my mom asked me once, you know, she said, she said, you don't seem like a really dumb guy entirely. You know, how is it you've been incarcerated 23 times. Can you help me understand that?

And I said, well, my,

I said, the next time you go swimming, go underwater and hold your breath.

When you run out of oxygen, don't come up right away.

And when this overwhelming sense of urgent fear and panic overwhelm you that tell you you might actually die if you don't get another gasp of oxygen. No, that's what it feels like when I need another hand,

you know? And she looked at me like I was insane.

And I knew I was. I knew I was. Anybody have a big book in this room? No, it's an absurd question.

Box 1

If you're new and it hasn't been introduced to you, which I doubt that's the case because you folks are on fire, this is the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I don't say that to be condescending or arrogant or that I know something you don't. I simply say that is the most compassionate, loving thing I could possibly share with you that this book tells me everything I need to know about me, right? They wrote this book about me long before I was born, right? In this book it says says the main aspect of the disease of alcoholism centers in my mind.

If what I have is a disease

and it centers in my mind, what does that mean?

Means I have a mental illness, right? If that's a new idea to you, just breathe that in,

right?

What else is that? What else is that? What else is the experience of feeling like I'm suddenly suffocating

for another hit of something that's ruining the life of everyone I know, including myself?

What is that right? I mean, the experience of feeling like I'm drowning while driving, just just driving home from work,

you know, just sitting at Christmas dinner, this suddenly I feel like a plastic bags been put over my head from behind. Just you know, what is that right? So I don't know if you guys, if it means anything to you. There's a woman named Nancy Reagan who died last week in the US Nancy Reagan was the woman who coined the term. Just say no,

lovely woman. Rest in peace.

I mean that sincerely. So

the idea that I would just say no, right? The idea it's like that's like asking a schizophrenic person to please stop hearing voices.

You with me,

it's the same. It's humorous, but it's the same. Asking me to not have a knee jerk compulsion to burn my life to the ground behind another head is the exact same as asking, just not have the dissipate. Just stop having that obsession that you didn't ask for. You know is the same as asking a schizophrenic person. Hey buddy, you just be. You'll be so much happier if you'd stop hearing those voices

right? Asking a person with chronic depression that you'll be so much happier if you would Just smile, buddy.

Right.

I think he would if he could, you know, And what I have to understand about that is that

is that no one will understand this disease but me. I can't expect my poor mother to grasp the disease any more than I understand what it's like to have schizophrenia. I can have empathy for them. I can have compassion. I can try to imagine and conceptualize what that might be like, but I will never understand what it's like to be trying to simply buy a bottle of water at a store and have a transaction with the cashier

and three other voices in my head talking to me at the same time. I will never understand that and my mother will never understand what it means to have the obsession for just one more,

right? And so we can't expect non addicts to do what we do, right? The rest of the world's having a war on drugs, right? Which is which is taking a toll in people

we're having a war on addiction because we know it's not the people that's the difference between us and them. That's why we are the only ones qualified to help, right. Which is why this fellowship here with you guys is growing so incredibly well, right? And why I'm in love with this thing, right. So so the guy tells me I could get out tells me there's a way I don't have to die this way What do you think? And I you know, he says you can get sober us. I'm really busy. I got to go and

and he says

OK, and I know he prayed for me. And how I know that is that within 24 hours I was hemmed up in a hardware store for borrowing some things I wasn't going to return. And

taking down to our local county jail one more time on a probation violation for possession of heroin and booked on petty theft. And while upon my arrival in the jail, they charged me with a felony too, for distributing methamphetamines inside the jail that day,

which is really unfortunate. And,

and they

to start a look at the record, you know, which had things like aggravated assault and criminal damage and discharging firearms and city limits and aggravated DUI. A lot of misunderstandings really.

I hope when I say that, that you don't think it's tough guy stuff because it's not right. Like my, my man Ricky over here was talking about like I was telling him about some Swati and he was like, oh, are we watching that on television? Since I was a kid, you know? And I was just like, man, stop watching television. You know, like, that's not, it's not real, right?

What's not shown on television is that every arrest I ever had was another humiliating mile marker that absolutely confirmed that I was never going to have a good life.

You know what I mean? That when that SWAT team came to drag me out of my home when that chopper was over my apartment, and the mobile command unit and the squad cars and the little dudes in turtle suits with automatic weapons hiding behind my neighbors cars and door Stoops and they dragged me out of my home and left.

I left an indelible mark in that neighborhood, you know, of mothers that absolutely knew it was no longer safe to let your kid out after dark.

And that was responsible for that.

You know what I mean? Of children who are absolutely terrified, right? And, and I did that, you know, and that's what you don't see on television. And, and that's what happened behind every arrest I ever had, right? And I come to in this jail

on the day after. So I got arrested the day after Christmas. And I'll tell you what grace means to me. How am I doing on time, Russell

OK, I come to I was arrested the day after Christmas in 2005. And what grace means to me is as I come to in January and I don't remember kicking, I don't remember sweating. I don't remember. I don't remember anything right. And, and at the time I was, I was, I was

physically addicted to speed, heroin, whiskey and benzos, right? And I don't know what that kick was about, but it would have been real hard had I remembered anything about it. And I don't, right? And I came to in January and there was this voice coming from the middle of my being. And, and it was just clear as day. And, and for the last decade of my life, I had been trying

to die. And I don't mean that to depress you. I don't think I was suicidal. We should have very logical conclusion to where I was at my life. You know

that I had watched every dream I ever had gasperer and drowned in front of me behind that obsession. And and my life had become so hopeless and the people I had harmed had become so great. And the amount of debt and damage that it would take to ever have a normal life was so great that checking out was just a logical conclusion. You know what I mean? And, and I came to in this jail and there was this voice coming from the middle of me. And it said,

dude, if you're not going to die, you better figure out how to live because this sucks,

you know? And

and then there was this other voice that seemed to follow it, right? And I remembered what the dude had said, what the guy who told me that there was a way I told me I could get sober if I wanted. I knew in that moment that getting sober wasn't the problem. The problem is what's left when the bottle in the bag are gone, right? That broken, infinite sense of loneliness that haunts me through my life, right? Can you do something with that? Can you do something with the obsession

that always starts the nightmare,

right? Because if we can't work on those things, I got nothing, you know? And and I knew for sure that if I was to ever have a good life, that something was going to have to be made of the damage that had happened, right? Of the father had never met, of the stepdad that was drunk and violent, of the daughter I'd raised, that I found out in the DNA test in court wasn't mine. Of the people I'd harmed, of all of the brokenness of my life. Something was going to have to happen with that or I was never going to survive, right? And I had this like moment of

that said, if I was going to get sober, I needed to make right my past, you know, And I had this like reality check moment that I had. I realized that I had like in here, I had been waiting my whole life for everybody, whoever harmed me to get in single file line and come apologize to me one by one.