The Fellowship of the Spirit convention in Queens, NY

But that isn't where the problem is. You know

what really happened, really happened.

Problem is, 14 years later, with the distorted memory of what happened. See, the first time I remember it, that isn't what happened at all. It's already colored by my own reaction and by the first person I talked to who told me

whatever they tell me, and I keep replaying that and 14 years later, it has nothing to do with what really happened. My troubles truly are of my own making. I've got to clear that away so I can get to the real event and say the old son of a bitch ought to be horse whipped.

But maybe he was spiritually sick to be able to do something like that, and I don't want to be owned by his sickness.

But first, they got to clear it back.

OK,

how can we escape? Well, this is how we deal with resentment, not by writing it. I'm not making it up, says here's how we deal with it. This is our course. We realize that these people who aren't wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.

That's very carefully worded. I don't get to say that's a sick son of a bitch. That's still a judgment.

Perhaps they were spiritually sick when they committed this act. What does that mean

for me? What being spiritually sick means is that I'm cut off from my spiritual source, and what I'm cut off, I behave very badly. Maybe that's why they're doing that. Don't have to like it. That's what it says. So we didn't like their symptoms

and the way they disturb us. They, like ourselves, were sick too. Kind of levels the playing field.

I can work with anybody

because I am capable of anything and I know that.

How can I judge you

when I know I am capable of anything? Because throughout my life I have done things. They tell me I am capable of anything.

They, like myself, are perhaps spiritually sick, cut off from their source.

One of the great spiritual principles of all time, it's come forward since man began to be able to communicate spiritually, is that of forgiveness, which means to make as if it never happened.

The only way I can be free is to set you free in my mind. OK, how do I do that?

Because I don't know how I can come to this place, and I'm still pissed at that federal agent.

OK. He almost killed my kid. The stepping on the neck is nothing. This is drama. That's good storytelling. He almost shot my kid.

We ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience we cheerfully grant. A sick friend and I ran into immediate difficulty

because I did not have patience, pity and sympathy for sick people. They frightened me.

I had to have a script for every event in my life. Nothing spontaneous about my life. I had to know how to react so that you'd like me, or at least not dislike me. And there's only one script for visiting with sick people.

Is there anything I can do for you? And that terrified me.

They might ask me to do something,

change the bedpan, God forbid.

Spend an hour with me and read a story to me, will you? I'm sorry, I'm really busy.

Run to the store and get this whatever they would ask me.

So I didn't have that. I had to pray for that. I am so self-centered

that I've got to pray just for the tolerance and pity for sick people, for God's sake.

So when a person found it, we said to ourselves, this is a sick man, how can I be helpful to him? God saved me from being angry.

There's a funny thing that I've heard running around the country where if you resent somebody, pray that they get everything you want. Isn't that silly? Why would I pray that you get everything I want?

Pray that they get everything they want? That's even sillier.

God saved me from being angry.

I have no idea nor I'm not stupid enough to think I know what's good for you.

God saved me from being angry. Thy will be done.

There's a whole new way of thinking. You get in.

I go to God in prayer

because I don't know what to do.

We avoid retaliation and argument well, and that doesn't always mean just out here. Most of my argument retaliation always took place here because I can win here 100% of the time. I win an argument in my head

because I noticed early on I'd I'd spend a couple hours getting a really good argument wrapped up and had it won and then I'd come to you and start it and you didn't know your lines.

Blew my whole deal right after window

so I quit doing that. I just kept him here.

And if you don't know,

we wouldn't treat sick people that way, and we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but God will at least show us how to take a kind of tolerant view toward each and everyone. And that's a basic prayer for a spiritual mind.

God, I'm incapable taking a tolerant view toward this person or a kind of you. Please show me how. And I don't believe God tests me, but I test God all the time.

The first time here I thought I got you. You got to understand I had a bad attitude, even awake.

Show me how to take a kindly, intolerant view toward Adolf Hitler, I says.

And pretty soon I found myself thinking about Volkswagens

and realize, whoops, now he stole the idea from Porsche.

But he made that car for the people.

Whatever his monies were, he did one decent thing in his life. He gave us all bugs.

The important thing wasn't the car. The important thing was the prayer was answered immediately. I was shown how to take a kindly, intolerant view. Then I was showing how to just forget that kind of silliness and get on about life. But the prayer of God answered. It's a new way of thinking

and I must have it or I won't be able to answer the rest of these questions.

Show me how

to find out where I've been selfish. I don't know how.

Show me how to take a kindly, intolerant view.

My dad did a couple things along the way.

You were wrong. And the kind of intolerant view that I got was to understand that he was passing on what was passed on to him that had been passed on for generations, and he didn't want to do that. But he had no he didn't know anything else.

And maybe if I'll change, I won't pass it on.

Let the buck stop with me.

But I got to get off of his back first.

My father and grandfather were the top men in the Colorado Ku Klux Klan back in the late 30s. Had some funky ideas around my house for a while. I knew they were bullshit from the time I was little. I didn't say that,

but they both awakened and changed and went a different path and put the robes away.

And I think today, wouldn't it have been awful if I'd have kept the robes on them after they took them off?

But throughout my life, that's what I did with people. I left your robes on after you had taken them off.

OK, show me how to take a comment and tone review toward all of this because I don't know how. Isn't that a whole new way of thinking?

And you got to have it or you can't even answer the next questions.

Jerry

best part of the little instructions is perhaps very dear to me because I one of the experiences ahead in going through this the first time. There was both

a a great deal of humor, but also a great deal of tragedy involved in my life up until this particular point in time. And had it not been for the spiritual key that's that's laid out for us here, I would not have recovered. I just simply that that simple.

Many of you heard me last night. And then I was talking and I, I, I had my mother on my inventory.

She was big on him. And Joy by the way. But it was one particular incident when I was 13 years old. And the way I could remember that incident and, and the way it had been warped in my mind was that I had been terribly, terribly physically abused. And I believe that that was, that was my truth. And as I was telling you last night, I went through the 1st 3 columns of the inventory

and I'm an alky and I don't follow instructions

and so I don't pray and I don't do any of this here. I just know that there's a fourth column and I want to hurry up and get it done. So I'm in the fourth column on this particular incident where I'm sure that I've just been terribly and horribly physically abused at at a young age of 13. And, and so I cannot see where I've been selfish and self seeking, dishonest and afraid. I, I can't find any, any, anything that I need to inventory in that 4th golem.

And so I call my sponsor and and that was when I went through all these gyrations and, and he said, that sounds like therapy shedding.

And here's the beauty of of of sponsorship for me on this little spiritual path, as those folks who who stay true to this little, little deal of ours said, OK, wait a minute, need to pray number one. And they talked about these prayers here, and then that little part in the book that says putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done,

we're going to try to disregard that other person entirely. And so I did the prayer crudely. Don't ever let me lead you to believe that I'm a great prayer. I talked to God as I understand him and tell Him what my difficulties are. But I follow the prayers the way they laid out in the book simply because he still looked like to me to be fantastic and effective prayer. At any rate, there was a transformation in my mind

that somehow,

as I began to remember clearly that incident, my mother went into the background and I began to see a shabby, scammy little guy and what I was doing. And my whole life began to get infinitely clear to me. And that what it was, was I had, see, I had told my mother on this particular instance, on it was a rare occasion, I had told her the truth when she asked me a question and she thought that I was lying to her.

And of course, I swore and swore and swore that I was being truthful to her. And she said, no, I just know you're not telling me the truth.

And I just terribly frustrated her. Now, what some of you don't know is in my mother is not very big. She's a tiny, small woman. And even at age 13, I was a kid that kind of matured a little bit fast. And so I was pretty physically fit by the time I was 13. And she got disturbed with me and began to chase me around the house with a broom.

I'm 13. I don't remember how old she was at that time, but she couldn't keep up with me. But you know what? She really hurt. She hurt my pride because my little brothers were sitting there watching this deal. And I was just terribly embarrassed.

Yeah. But I also something else. I I, I saw a little deal there where, yeah, I had lied to her my whole life. I mean, literally a little things that were unimportant. And I had frustrated her terribly. Now, let me tell you the rest of what I saw in this whole little deal as as I began to look at that, my mother had married. My mother, by the way, is my stepmother, although I don't know of her as anything except my mother, because she and my father were married when I was very young and she was the youngest in her family. And she took a lot of criticism when she married my father

because he already had a child. In those days, that was kind of a, a forbidden deal to marry a guy, a man who had already been married before and had a child that would just, that wasn't looked upon real well by her family. And she was out to prove that she had made the right decision and that she would raise this young boy and he would turn out all right. Now, what she didn't know was that she was trying to raise a lunatic

and she was doing literally the very best she could and just and, and, and, and just she, she couldn't understand why, why, why a kid would just apparently intentionally lie all the time. And I just terribly frustrated her. She didn't hurt me. Hell, she never touched me. My memory was twisted, completely twisted. And like I say, I I began to see the truth about me. And and and here's the real strange part about that whole deal was I had up until that moment in time thought well to myself.

I really did. I If you would have asked me after that moment in time, Jerry, who's the most honest man that you know, and my delusional state, I would have been properly modest.

But ultimately I would have had to tell you it was me.

So then I began to look on, can't say OK what what was, and I was afraid. There's a whole lot of things came out of that little prayer

and out of this transformation of the mind because I discovered that I can lie without even knowing I'm lying. My mind will even lie to me,

see a part of what was going on that day. I was 13 years old. It was a Friday afternoon. And and I thought my mother said to me, where are you going? And what she had said to me, is we going to go? She was just kind of interested in where I was going to go. And then the rest of this all kind of blew up. I said, I'm going Uptown. And she said, why? And I said, well, all the guys are going to be up there.

You hear a little lie on that? I don't know who all's gonna be up there, but I think all the guys are gonna be up there. And I'm afraid that I'm not gonna be up there with him. And if I'm not up there with him, they're not gonna like me. Does that sound petty? God, it sounds terribly petty to me as I tell you about it. But that's, that's the story of my life. And that's the story of my inventory, too, by the way. Oh, I've got another one. I, my, some of you heard me last night. I carry the resentment. For years

my mother made me wear elastic jeans

when I was starting a third grade, and all the other guys wore belted jeans. You know what was going on? There was my fear, my fear, What am I going to look like when I go to school and all these hips licking cool guys? And you know, and I'm 47 years old when I'm doing this inventory, I tell you what, a guy does not want to take this kind of stuff over to his sponsor and do a fifth step on it.

I think I mean some bitch. And when I, when I show up with this kind of stuff, I mean, this guy's going to probably laugh me out of his house.

So I have to look at these instructions and said, where what am I afraid of? They every time that little, little little phrase, self esteem is involved. Self esteem is when somebody has just humiliated the heck out of me. And all that really comes down to is I'm, I'm just, I'm just living in total fear of what you think about me. God, I'm afraid I'm just not going to look good.

How have I been dishonest? That's what it see, that's what it says. Where have we been? Selfish, dishonest, self seeking and and and frightened.

My selfishness doesn't just involve what I want to do. It involves what I want you to do. So I can do what I want to do.

I want to go around the world. Tomorrow's no big deal. But if I insist that my wife give me about 25 or $30,000 to do it and she doesn't do it and I get pissed off because she won't do it, then I've begun to get a little selfish say. And as I went through and I looked at these instructions, I realized that that a great deal of my my life was truly based on fear. I could find it in each and every one of them. And it says there. But there's another little part that is is really a a fascinating little deal. Says we

look for our own mistakes, resolutely look for our own mistakes. The word resolutely, by the way, suggests that there's going to take some effort.

We don't like to do anything. That's in my nature. By the way, if it's hard to do, I ain't going to do it. But I've made a commitment to do this and says we resolutely looked at our own mistakes. What's what's the mistake? I'll tell you. My mistake is always in the way I think. It's always in the way I think, see, I'll have an idea. Well, if I do this, you should do that. And that's the mistake in my thinking. Well, I may do this and you may not do that. I don't know what you're going to do. It's none of my business, really.

See, one of the things that I had been taught as a young man is if I work hard,

I'll get ahead. All right, Work hard and you get ahead. You know, I've discovered something. You may work hard and you may not get ahead. That's like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

I am from a small town,

but I've discovered through a number of little inventories and there's simple little things. That's was a part of my thinking

that I came in here with, that if I do this, then this is what you should do. I didn't know I've discovered something since this all transpired. I've discovered years ago, some of the folks that were around me says virtue is its own reward and I thought that was BS Virtue. Is it? What do you mean?

I've discovered that sometimes there is great joy in working hard just to be working hard just to do the very best you can today. A lot of joy in that by the way. Not always, but sometimes you'll you'll discover it. Looked at my own mistakes. My mistake is always in my thinking self seeking dishonesty and fear. One of the most brutal ways that I have found for me to do this part of the process is to look at dishonesty. It's the easiest one for me to find. It was the hardest one for me to find initially

my very first name in terms the hardest thing for me to find was just a well, I haven't been dishonest again, thanks to the prayers and the transformation, the gentleness of the spirit. By the way, I didn't, I didn't, I never have received any sudden burst, any, any illuminating burst. It's this. The spirit has always moved very quietly for me. And all of a sudden I realize that I'm thinking a different way.

I'll have a clarity that it didn't have before. So one of the things I've discovered is my dishonesty is, is always there.

I mean, it literally is always, I've never found a resentment, but where I didn't have some dishonesty involved, it's always, it's always shows up sometimes. Now, just for the heck of it, I will start with my dishonesty because I know this, if I am dishonest, not just the lie itself, but there's a whole threat of spiritual unfitness involved because I'm now trying to protect something. I'm now trying to protect something. One of the last things that this thing finishes with, it says we also looked at our fault. We also looked at our fault. And you know what? My fault.

I react, something goes wrong and I have to be in fear and I have to then ultimately get to anger. I've had that question asked of me, by the way, somebody says is, is anytime you're angry, is, is fear always involved? You bet I've never found an exception to that. And when I get fear and then I will ultimately get angry and that may occur and in a heartbeat, by the way, I will react. Now I react essentially kind of like Don was, was sharing. I react and and basically only one or two ways,

either I will explode. I've got enough If I've been carrying enough of this anger long enough, you will finally trip a trigger. I've been in spiritually unfit for a long period of time and I haven't had to experience this now for a number of years, but I will. I will eventually explode and I will retaliate just automatic. I'll retaliate. That's my fault. Now my other form of of retaliation is it goes on in here.

I'm sure you can imagine what I'm saying.

Go off and pout. Screw you.

It's basically what I'm saying. And I I heard a guy say one time and I had not got been through this process yet and I heard a guy say one time he said, you know, Alcoholics are emotionally immature. I thought the hell we are

my first time through this little process, especially this part here it it began to get clear to me that I was a 47 year old man in a body that was about five or six years with a mind of about a five or six year old.

I I did. I mean, isn't that what a little kid does? He gets gets mad. You know, we were hearing about it earlier. What's wrong with you? Nothing fine. No. And we either pot or we get angry. We throw fit. Good God, that's my truth. I was emotionally immature. As you can probably understand. As I'm going through this, there are things that I am beginning to discover that I don't like about me. No wonder I have lived in a state of conflict my whole life. One part of me telling me I'm a swell guy.

And the spirit inside of me saying, no, you're not,

you're not, you know, So how is a guy going to go through this and feel good? By the way,

I did go through this to feel good.

I didn't feel good and that prompted a whole new resentment.

But we won't get too too, too caught up on that. But when we see our faults, we list them on paper. How did I react in that situation?

For me, it's kind of crucial that I say, how did I react in that situation? What's my fault and the reason? The reason is because as a part of my amends, just as a part of my amends, I don't want to ever act that way again. And I need to know what was it I did here because I don't want to have to keep repeating that.

Do I want this up here cleaned up? It's part of my mind. But I don't want to act out here and keep doing the same things and keep causing the same damage. See, we are. I really was an alky that that truly was delusional in the sense that I did not think that I created chaos. I really thought I was kind of a harmonious Rascal. And see 10:30. What time did we start, Don? OK, let me let me tell you one little story that came out of inventory and the truth about

came out of inventory and show you the great disparity between what I thought I was and what the truth about me was when I first got sober. My middle child who's he's a son and he's a great kid and he's he's a kid that has just always had a huge, huge spirit. I mean, he just, he's always been bigger than life when time he was little and

I, he was three years old when I first got sober. And

when he was nine years old, I'm sorry, 12 years old and I was nine years sober. He was starting the 6th grade and he's a kid. That's that. I mean, during the summertime, he gets up early in the morning and he would go all day long and he just, he just full of life played baseball. He did everything. They played in the park all day long. And we had a little farm and he'd go out to that farm with me. And early on in that summer, I'd had a dear friend of mine who gave away in our part of the country, they give away baseball caps that say

Co-op or seed and feed or John Deere tractor. And that's, that's just kind of a deal. And they'd given me a hat and I gave it to him. And it was a yellow and white hat had a lot of white on it and a lot of yellow on it. I had given him that cap at the beginning of the baseball season, and I mean, at the beginning of the summer. And he'd worn that hat all summer. And he was a it was a favorite head of his and he wore it around. And by the end of the summer, it looked like it had been drugged about 38 miles behind the truck. And it just, oh, it was almost God awful looking at you've ever seen in your life. And so

right after Labor Day, school was starting and I got up one morning and magnanimous Rascal than I am, I said, son, there's a first day of school, first day of 6th grade. Do you want to ride to school? And Oh my God, he was excited. You know how it is when you're that age, your dad's going to take you to school. And God, he was excited. And I said, let's go. And so I'm walking out to the car and, and I'm like I say, I'm nine years sober and I'm, I'm pretty successful. See,

I'm a I'm a big shot around town and and

I just asked, man, I'll tell you. So I asked him and I said, we can get some weird thinking. So I said, you and she said, OK, And I said, let's go. And he said, and so he started running around the house and I said, what in the world are you doing? He said, dad, I got to get my cap. And I said, you're what? He said, got to get my cap. And I said, you're not wearing that cap to school. If you are, I'm sure as hell not taking you. What will a teacher think about? You see, that kid was so excited that morning, first day of school, his dad's going to take him to school and he's going to get to ride,

blah, blah. And he is so excited. And I immediately killed the spirit about what's the teacher going to think about you? For God's sake, you're not wearing that silly cap. Years later, I looked at that little deal and I looked at the real truth of the matter. And the truth of the matter was I was, there was terrible dishonesty in that. I was worried about what is the teacher going to think about old Jerry? I'm a, I'm a hot shot around town by God. Now let me tell you the rest of the truth that came to me through this little process here, through the power of prayer.

I'm an alcoholic. I really should have been locked up many years ago, and that was totally justified by those folks. I look at that today,

I have no quarrel with the decisions they were making about what to do with me. Now here's a young kid who's doing great. I mean, just doing marvelously, and I'm trying to tell him what to do. You see the dichotomy of that hell, I have no business ever telling my kids what they ought to do. And through this little process here and being able to talk to you guys like we're doing here these weekends, I, I, I, I've, I've learned to be able to do that. I've learned to be able to just to say, you know, my kids really are. They're great. OK, I'll share any experience I've ever had with my kids. I, I really,

they know what I talk about, what I did and I just share their call me and say, Dad, what do you think I ought to do? I said, hell, I don't know, son, your judgments always been a hell of a lot better than mine.

What it is, you know, I finished college when I was 49 or 50 years old. Hell, he went right straight through school, worked his way through. Oh, I mean, you know, I don't, I don't have real good judgment. I think he does. I think they both do. I know. But anyway, so when they call and I said, Dad, what do you think? I just said, I don't know. Your judgment's been on mine. But I'll tell you what, I've had a little experience there, and I'll share that experience if you want to hear about it.

Oh yeah. God, yeah. Tell us your story. The kids like their stories, too. I'd love to hear our experiences. Once in a while I slip and start giving an opinion and I have to catch myself

real quickly. I guess I am on the way to Mexico. I didn't know it,

you guys. You guys. For those of you in the back, I know I make a marvelous picture, so I'll stand up.

You guys have no idea how fond we have become of you.

This will go up in a very prominent place in my house and I and it will help us remember you. Thank you very much. Let's take a little bit of a break. What time? Be back at about 5:00 till 11.

I'll share a little my inventory just so you can see what it looks like.

Tori all the time is also going to go broke. You got to be open for business now and then.

Yeah, this is simply the house cleaning. I'm going to, I'm going to share a little piece of inventory. We just to show you the dimensions that I find it and the the way I use it. I find 7 questions here to make a case for eight. Some people say five. It doesn't matter.

Selfish, self seeking, dishonest, frightened. Where am I to blame? Where am I at fault? What's my mistake

of where am I wrong? The key is to get that answer to find out what's wrong. It says I'm just putting out of the mind my mind the wrongs others have done entirely. I never look for my part.

That's a lie to me. If I'm looking for my part, that still assumes that you have a part

and I'll miss the truth.

At this point, I put the wrongs that have been done to me completely out of my mind. Where am I at fault? That's all I'm interested in. You may even be wrong. That's all gone. It's as if it never happened. The principle of forgiveness is right here. Put it out of your mind, and there's a reason for that.

If you don't, you can't get free.

If you're hanging on to something, you are not free

and gotta let you keep it just as long as you want it,

OK? And we'll take it. As soon as you let it go, it's gone.

OK.

We know about inventory

with people on institutions and principles and all that. As a direct result

of active hepatitis, I also developed neuropathy.

What that means is that the nerve endings in my feet are alive and well 24 hours a day. I'm in constant chronic pain and have been for a number of years,

and the reason I want to get this is because whether it's physical pain or psychic pain or emotional pain, if I'm suffering from it,

so are you.

I guarantee you I share well.

Pain is a distraction from my primary purpose, and I must find a way

with whether it's psychic or physical or emotional or spiritual pain

to be at peace with that.

So I did some inventory on the pain

and this is how I do it. So check the book. You can see how we're I'm angry with the pain. Why? Because it diminishes my enjoyment of life.

It is inconsistent with how I feel and with my attitude.

It is a major distraction.

It dominates me because I'm always aware of it. And that, by the way, is where suffering comes from.

Suffering is me being self aware.

Anytime I'm aware of myself, I suffer

and I'm angry because I need medicine to keep it bearable.

I don't take any kind of painkiller except aspirin

that sometimes to be able to bear it. I need help

and I had to work through that. I was one that one time I had that attitude that I'm taking nothing. Listen, pain will drive you crazy.

Now, sometimes with the inventory, this information develops. The idea is that something is being heard or threatened. And sometimes when I do inventory, and I did it with this one between that third and 4th column, because this affects myself esteem, I feel about myself, my security, my financial. I was a rougher at the time this developed. I can't get up and down ladders anymore,

so my security was being affected, my emotional security because I'm Superman and all of a sudden I'm not

OK. My personal relations with people,

personal relations are Hanford, when you go into the

mode for very long, people say when you come to him and say talk about pain, well, it's emotional, physical, psychic. If you talk about it too much, they don't know what to tell you and it affects the personal relations. I wish you just kind of go away. You know, most people are like me after just so much. I don't want you around if you're going to whine. I'm busy whining myself. I got things to do

anyway, so I why? Why does this pain threaten me? Well, it threatens my personal relations and myself esteem because I'm not much fun to be with and people won't want to be with me. So it's a threat,

uh, now security and financial, we're being threatened because if I can't get up and down ladders, I can't make a living.

And I began to see right there, women, that's stupid, stupid. This isn't the only job on the planet, for God's sake. It's just the one I'm invested in and attached to

myself. Esteem, my security. My personal relations are threatened because I am. If I am distracted, I may miss something important and fail.

I don't know about you, but my great fear in life is always and I'm going to forget something important

and so I get to worrying about missing something and I miss it all.

Little trick I use by the way. When I start getting overwhelmed, I do what's on my mind list. It's nothing more than that. I'm making a list of what's on my mind

and that fear just evaporates because I'm afraid I'm going to forget something. Well, now it's all on paper. I won't forget it.

It also aids me along the way to inventory because as I look at that list, it's clear about half of the shit's none of my business anyway. OK, I don't have to worry about it. And from it then come the things I really do need to address.

Where am I selfish? I'm to ask myself, where am I selfish? Checking off yes I am is insufficient for me.

I already know I am. Where am I? I need to find that out. Well, I'm selfish because I do not want pain

for my personal preference. I should always feel good,

not very freighty and I'm sorry that's just that simple. I'm selfish because I want to enjoy life to the fullest at all times.

Why me?

I'm selfish because I should not have chronic pain. I don't like it

self seeking because I won't always want to appear OK

and there's another clue. It isn't whether I am OK or not. I want to appear OK. That's far more important than being OK to my ego.

Yeah. I don't want you to see my weakness.

Isn't that selling? My whole life is dependent, and yours is dependent on my being able to show you my weakness, not my strength.

So 12 steps work is all about me revealing my weakness to you so that you know you're not alone.

But I don't want you to see that

I'm self seeking because I use the pain to gain attention. Oh I hate that one. I should be above this.

Yeah,

I get noble sometimes in the caring of my pain.

Only hobble a little

when you're watching

and I will make sure you are

God.

I'm self seeking because I do not want to be distracted from the things that I think are important.

It's just the truth. I really don't,

but the key is what I think is important. It's not the least been important for me to be able to go up and down ladders at this time. I thought it was.

I do not want to be distracted from the things that bring me attention and strokes.

Pain will

distract me from being able to do the things. It's really hard to cut Z's on the bad guys when you can't walk

really is.

I want to feel good so I can do God's work better. Well that sounds good. Dinner. That's really self seeking. I want to feel better so I can do God's work. One of my dearest friends, one of the most effective people I have ever known was a fellow named John Adams. Died of cancer at home. When it came time they wanted to put him on chemo and all that stuff and he said oh get away from me, I'm going to go home and die. It's my time to go.

And the neighbors, I mean, we all went by to see John all the time. The neighbors were stunned

with us about the numbers of people that came and comforted him as he died. They didn't get it. We went to see John because to the very moment that he went out, he was helping other people. He was listening to fist steps and he was talking to drunks and he was useful all the way to the end. What a bunch of crap is that? He did God's work better than I'll ever do it while he was dying of cancer,

so this is crap. It sure sounds good though. My head will pick it up.

Can you see how this begins to get you free?

I'm dishonest to think that I will not or should not have pain. That's totally dishonest.

I'm in the human condition on a planet

where my tolerance of temperature is about a 30° range. I need to have to take something off or put something on

or whimper about it.

OK, if I go without water for more than a couple hours, my whole system begins to disintegrate.

Just all kinds of reasons. Repent. Of course I'm going to heaven. It's dishonest to think that you're not going to have pain, psychic, spiritual, physical or emotional. It's going to happen.

I'm dishonest to think that I can do anything about it.

Well, that'll free you up.

I can't do anything about it. What am I whining about? What I'm worried about? Why would I put any more energy into it? There's absolutely nothing I can do about it. You know how I know that? I went to the finest doctors around. They said nothing we can do about it.

I said if what we're what we just done doesn't work, you're going to die or have to have a new liver.

OOP, nothing to do about it.

Well, that wasn't bad news by the way. I'm going to die anyway

and I know that,

and I don't want a new liver. The one I've got doesn't work all that good, but it works good enough.