Steps 7 through 9 at the Fellowship of the Spirit convention in Queens, NY

Victory.

These are the obstacles that I encounter, and this is what I had a chance to do with them.

And I get to be in this room with these really decent, beautiful people.

It's not a Hallmark card. It's real.

We are the people. This guy from Bombay, India, Doctor Joe went 1975, was one year sober, and he came to speak at the International Convention in Denver. And it's the only one I've ever been to. And Doctor Joe stands up and he says, Alcoholics Anonymous is humanity on the scrap heap, talking to each other in terms of the truth.

So we're those people who weren't going to make it. We're the town drunk. We're the loser. We're the failures. We're the ones who had to listen to this sentence over and over and over when we were growing up. You have such potential.

You have such potential. When are you going to realize this potential? And we're in there thinking, yeah, when am I going to realize this potential? When's that going to happen? And I got kicked out of all these schools, and I wanted to be a priest. I got kicked out of all my Catholic schools. I wanted to be a priest. When am I going to get a shot to be something more than the guy who's always getting kicked out?

You know what? It got kicked out of school in the eighth grade.

I went home and drank a bottle of cream to mint. It was all I could find,

but it had the magic ingredient, you know, let's kill the pain. Let's not watch Mickey get kicked out one more time.

And now I actually get invited to come and be with you.

What a life, huh? Some roller coaster ride

5-6 and seven. We are on the fast track to freedom here.

You got anything else that we take a break?

Do I want to have the defects removed?

Oh, I can't. I've been praying to God, but they're not going because I don't want them to, because there's a payoff. God, please take this lust from me. Please take this grief for me, but I really don't want it to go. It just takes care of my guilt and remorse over my behavior. Am I really willing to have him go? Here's some of the things that get in the way of letting go of defects is my my sense of identity is attached to them.

It's who I think makes me. The sense of self doesn't come from mind that thought, it comes from spirit. But I never give that a chance.

I get wrapped up in my own sense of identity from my defects of character, and having them removed is like being opened and standing before others in the raw. And I've never done that before. How do I do this?

So I'll, I'll, you know, fake without works is that I'll claim God, I'll claim willingness to let go of these defects, but it's really only with the pure intent that the ground is going to get fertile for new growth.

I'm back to step one again.

Have I forgotten where we started out and willing to go to any less to be made new? That that worst day of my life. I don't care where you took me, just Get Me Out of here. And suddenly the wrinkles are out of my belly and I'm thinking along my terms rather than gods and I just mouth the words to be free. I like my defects as a payoff to it. There's a payoff to my wounds. You feel sorry if I get attention. It's a sense of self, a false sense of self. And I'm still honoring everything the mind gives me.

So again, I'm in the seventh step prayer. And the more broken I feel, the better our books is, the more hopeless we feel, the better. There's only one place to turn 2

and that's God. And He's going to do what He wants with me. It's got to be better than the mess I've created, even in the seven step prayer. Just one quick thing. We'll take a break and we'll come back and do 8:00. And 9:00 is when I'm doing my fifth step. I got turned onto something years ago about something called multiple fifth steps, which is personal persons

sit with the sponsor and maybe, maybe some of the people he's sponsoring who are on this path and understand what we're doing.

And I get to share this with more than one person taking the direction from my sponsor. But I've done this. I've sat with my sponsor and maybe one or two men that he was sponsoring and I get to share my life more and more and more with other people. My 4th step. And the the benefit of that is more people knew about me, knew my truth and the pro the pay off was more freedom. And there's nothing wrong. I don't want to discount sitting with the sponsor and that's all you. That's great. But I just, I was

willing to go in any lengths. I was given these instructions not knowing what was going to happen

was actually a pretty neat experience. And every time I've sat down to deliver my 4th step to a sponsor, I really prayed hard that they'd call in sick that day and couldn't hear it, you know, because it still made me uncomfortable. I saw here we go. What's going to happen now where we what they're going to call me on and but you get free. And so six and seven, I think Mickey said it best. If you take these these two steps out, what are we left with?

How do I go and make amends? Riddle with defects,

by the way, if you notice when you're starting to make amends, I mean really out there making amends, a lot of them have those defects begin to stop breathing.

It's called entering the world of the Spirit. So we take a break.

Yep. OK, take a break.

That magic moment. So we're we're going to go in and we're going to spend a few minutes on the questions that are in the ask it basket for about 10-15 minutes. And then we're going to go and do 8:00 and 9:00. And then

we're going to go to church and whoever else is going to go to Mass that's happening at 5:00 and and then the night will follow from there. So

why don't we? Peter, would you like to grab a question out of the basket?

It says

the difference between God reliance and a God of my convenience.

I guess they want us to explain that

I'm going to let you handle this computer. I think you're really in the middle of that one man

self will and proper use of the will. That's what this reminds me of.

God reliance is everything in my life. I depend upon God, I surrender to God and when I have a God of my convenience, it means I'm still living life on my terms and not on God's terms, which means my belly is always going to get full and I really don't care if your bellies full. I'm a self seeker even when trying to be kind. I'm living all over page 52, quite frankly. I'm on page 62 which talks about selfishness and self-centered. That is the root of my troubles, and I think God is signing up for that.

A God of my convenience means I am God,

and this God me signs off on everything that I endorse.

It's a very wide Rd. which I'm walking in a dangerous Rd. God reliance is a little bit different. I'm living by someone else's rules, His rules.

Thank you.

The question or the question is this. I went from being homeless last summer to reinventing myself. I have a car and an apartment. I have a good job that I love. I recently got a promotion at my job. How can I remain humble and not get all full of myself? Big shotism in a a well, you know, it is a daily disease. We have this disease

and you know, fair weather or foul, we work our program,

we do our steps,

we surrender our lives and our wills to God in the morning. We proceed into our day. We continue to watch for the four things fear, dishonesty, resentment and selfishness in our ten step throughout the day. We do our nightly review. We think about the other guy. We we work with others. We do these principles and practices, and it's interesting that in World War 2,

according to our book,

the people who went to war stayed sober more successfully by proportion than the people who stayed home. So this is a design for living. The big Book says that works in the rough going, and success can be rough going when you've had nothing but rough going. So that would be my answer.

OK,

this book talks about this thing.

When Silkworth wrote that the craving never occurs in the average tempered drinker, is implied that heavy drinkers don't get the craving. Is it possible for someone to experience the craving only a few times and actually be a heavy hard drinker and not a real alcoholic?

I'm an alcoholic. I experience only the craving.

I I don't know what goes on in these hard drinkers or the social drinkers, how much of an impulse they have to continue to drinking. So that's, I really can't answer that question being a non alcoholic. I mean, from I'm sorry, would you repeat the question? OK. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

I all I know is I drink, I crave, so I can't talk in about an experience I never had before.

OK, I'd be playing doctor right now. A psychiatrist or chemist even.

Thank you.

The question is, can I have alanonism and alcoholism?

Some things Maurice said resonated with me, but I know I'm an alcoholic too. From Dazed and Confused,

Certainly. Absolutely, yes.

Right. Because

as Marie pointed out in her talk, it is amazing how many of us Alcoholics start attending Al Anon meetings and, and we're getting tremendous help and information. So yes, we can have both of these things, but I would suggest that we, you know, it's like I wanted to quit smoking when I first got sober.

And my sponsor says to me, Mickey says, look, why don't we put that off for a little bit? Because he says, I don't want you to get out there and forget which one and we'll kill you

immediately. So I just kept smoking for a while and I attended to my alcoholism and now I haven't had a cigarette in 37 years. Thank you. God,

I just got something that last question and

it seems to be trying to distinguish if I'm a hard drinker or an alcoholic and I'm just just put this out that a person who wrote that. Are you not sure?

Are you trying to find out if you're an alcoholic or just a hard drinker or perhaps someone that's close to you? You're trying to make any determination on them?

A little craving once in a while. I only have a little craving once in a while, but I'm not one of them.

So Pete, can you answer this question for me? Just tell me. I'm a heavy social drinker with alcoholic overtones, as someone once said, Right, Right. No, seriously, that sounds like a question somebody'd fishing. And if you are, I get it. And then maybe if you want to talk to one of the guys privately or one of the women privately, depending on, you know,

I just, I'm just wondering if someone's fishing. OK, I think that's good. What do you say to an A AER who stops sharing thoughts and feelings because they think that by working a program

they should quote no better UN quote and not have such thoughts and feelings?

Oh this is important.

I

that by working a program they should know better.

Alcoholism. That's why I talked about the Vulture. I wake up in the morning and the vultures on the end of the bed. It's like good morning, I'm going to take you out. Oh, OK. I'm not going to stop talking about my feelings and my thoughts because I have alcohol todayism,

alcoholism today, and it never goes away. I got news, it's going to go away. God bless you when I cross the river and I go home

and until that time I'm going to have alcoholism up until the moment I die. We don't work this. It's a really interesting thing. We what is my hidden agenda again? What's my agenda? My agenda is I'm going to work this program until my disease goes away.

Well, that's a really dangerous one. Let's not do that one, OK?

It says. What are your suggestions

for someone who at one time worked their program with the sponsor, had a spiritual awakening, but then stopped participating in the program and fellowship and has not relapsed but is still suffering? How does one come back into the program without relapsing? OK, there's a couple of things here. One of my concerns is working their program. It's the program that's in the book,

and we don't modify for ourselves. And the word relapse,

what they mean is drinking, but the relapse precedes the drink. We go sideways before we actually pick up a drink. So whoever wrote this is probably in relapse mode right now, just hasn't drank yet. And how do you come back? Just ask for help

and rework the steps. We have to jump through hoops. If you're afraid to do that, it's because the ego is rebuilt itself. Doesn't mean you're a bad person, but you're deep, deeper than you think.

Have we really drank? Maybe we cheated a little here and there, a little marijuana maintenance. I don't know. But all you need to do is pull someone aside who's on with the facts and say I'm hurting. Can you take me to the book again

and get on the other side? OK,

How can I ask, and these are capitalized words, how can I ask reason and logic to get out of my head? And then it's a line down. It says politely.

First of all, I'm really, really happy that you guys have asked these questions. And, and you know, sometimes I laugh at all the wrong places, but I'm just absolutely delighted that we're doing this. I think it's great, Okay,

reason and logic, The head and the heart, The head and the heart.

OK, the head is a computer. It wants to know who is God? Why is the sky blue daddy? How high is up? And no one to know all of this stuff, but the heart just yearns for freedom.

The heart yearns for liberation and healing. So I would go to God and say, listen, would you please put my head on stun

so I can live from my heart because the heart is the and heart,

especially in the Old Testament

to the Jewish people, heart meant soul. So we're talking soul or head. God, can you please help me live out of my soul?

There's a request here, but it's not on the schedule, nor do we have time to give a pitch. It says on the 12 traditions, so we're going to have to do that one another time. But thank you.

I'm not going to do much with this one, but here we go. Who wrote Swanee River the answer? Ed Norton? I don't know. I mean, come on.

But I like the question, you know what I mean? It's got soul. Anyway, I can't seem to take initiative to complete amends. What would you recommend?

I do want to say this. I mean, obviously it's an enormous LY important question. There is a momentum to the spiritual life, OK. And what happens is we can stall out. I don't know what the exact time frame is for making our amends, but there's a momentum to it. And we can start throwing on the brakes, installing and all that stuff. And what we're doing is death by, you know,

procrastination. And what I would recommend is I would recommend that you talk to your sponsor

that you remember, as Peter has said, go back to step one. Why are we doing this? Why are we doing this? If we want freedom, we need to do this. So, and if there's any blocks up the chain, the best way to get out of being blocked at a particular step is to go to the one before it. Go to the one before it, in my experience, and go to the one before it. So thank you so much for your questions. I hope there was some useful answers.

Now we're going to go into 8:00 and 9:00, right?

On page 76,

after we have completed step 7,

now we need more action, without which we find that faith without works is dead. Let's look at steps 8:00 and 9:00. Now here's where I'm going to get to challenge the Big Book. Won't that be fun?

We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we were willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. That is not true.

That is not true.

I was out the first time I went and did this thing and I took that literally and I took every name on my inventory and I'm out knocking on doors odd infinite and people are saying, Mickey, what are you doing here? You did not hurt me.

Do you see what I'm saying? And there are people I hurt that are not in my inventory. I don't have to be resentful at you to hurt you,

I just have to be selfish. So for me,

and of course, the big book is our referee. So please, when in doubt, always follow this. I mean, I'm not going to get in the middle. I'm just sharing with you my experience, strength, and hope. So I make a list of all people I have harmed. I write a prayer across the top of the page, just like I do with inventory. I make a list of all people I have harmed, whether they're in my inventory or not in my inventory.

And I put the name on the left and I put the exact nature of the harm I think I have caused on the right next to that name. That's my eight step list.

Then I go over it with my sponsor

and what's interesting, when people go over their eight step list with me,

we end up throwing ones out. No, there's no harm there. I understand that you think there's harm. I don't hear any harm in there. You may have guilt, you may have other things that you're trying to work out at that particular moment, but we are there to deal. Did I harm you?

So I mean, I guess that's as clean as I can approach it as far as eight step goes.

And then in 9th step, after I've gone over this with my sponsor,

I go out and I, you know, there's the famous 3 by 5 cards where I wrote down exactly what I thought I did and I'm going to talk with you about it. And and then I asked the question, is there anything that I left out and give them an opportunity to talk with me about other harm that I might have caused,

not out of my own life, but it is interesting that we can become

very legalistic about this stuff. We can become legalistic about anything truly. But in this case, here's what I mean is like, I am going to make amends and by God, you are going to listen to him is how this is going to work. So I got a friend in the program and he had occasion when he was younger to go into a salvage, an auto salvage yard

and bust out all of the glass in the cars. Now that's what that man had to sell

was replacement auto glass.

So my guy goes up to him and he says, you remember when that happened

years ago that all that glass was broken? The guy says yes. He says I'm the one that did it and I'm here to make amends. And the guy said to him, which we often hear, thank you. God, listen, I'm so happy for you that you've gotten your life straightened out and you've become a stand up guy. And of course I remember you. I didn't realize you broke the windows. We're good,

my GEICO said. No,

I need to pay you, I need to make amends for this, and the guy says no, we're good. Seriously, I just wish you well. I don't know what else he might have said to him, but my guy stood there in this guy's face so long that this guy now hates my guy.

I would submit that that is not building bridges.

And it says also, you know,

um, if they don't want to see us, we're good. I had somebody now I was secretive. I, I wanted there to be this nice surprise when I came over to make an amend to you,

right. So I don't know how many people thought I was an on an Amway bid or whatever, but I, I was just trying to do my job. Anyway, I did get out there and I finally started telling people, listen, I've harmed you. I want to come and I would like to make amends to either for for the harm I've caused.

And the one one couple did not want to see me. They didn't want to see me again, apparently ever.

And so that was done. I made my approach. Do you see what I'm saying? I'm just talking about exceptions to the rule. There were plenty that I went and we had to do the thing we got. I got to do the thing

and I'm not in there for results.

I'm in there for my action, for my side of the street to go in with a decent spirit and a spirit on my side, never taking up what they did. And I had people receive me.

The kindness that I was shown

was phenomenal. I had people receive me that I really, truly hurt and they took time out of their lives to meet me.

And in the case of certain sexual amends, I was given the advice, it's always important that you meet with that person in public, You meet with them in a public place if they agree to meet with you at all.

And so that two things, one, that they feel safe, OK

with being with me.

And the second thing is, is that we don't strike up the band again.

Just saying, you know

I'm there to make amends for goodness gravy. Not getting deeper

and

trying to think.

I guess that's pretty much it. What I have to say

twice in steps 8-9, they talk about us going to any lens as a reminder what we're in this deal for, to go to any lens, because it's real easy about now to start to rest on our laurels or go out, make a few amends, like the effect produced by amends and rest on our laurels. So here's the consideration I was always given to me. Do I have any outstanding amends today that I could be making and I'm not?

Do I claim to have a spiritual awakening the result of these steps? So I've had a spiritual awakening as a result of steps and 9 1/2 as one of my teachers would always say 9 3/4. I still got 30-40 amends to make. No, get to them.

Besides was a long time ago, you know, things are more important now.

And I forgot the sense of urgency I walked into step one with.

Have I really entered the world with a spirit? How could I be present if I'm still driven by voices of the past? How could I move forward with oneness? What God would I still, might I still have a pass out there that that is not fixed, it hasn't been reconciled, hasn't been processed, nothing's been done about it. And I'm back to being a selfish, self-centered, self seeking, self absorbed individual because I've harmed you and I'm going to knock on your door and say, hey, can we talk about this? Can I try to make this right?

Now there are people on that list that have no right going to because I'm going to cause more harm. I'm going to open up an old wound.

So I need to use discretion and certainly guidance from a sponsor. And God's timing is always perfect. My timings never perfect. So I see counsel. There's going to be people on there, which I had to do many times. Go to a sponsor. What do you think? Should I go see this person? Yes, no. One of the most powerful examples of that for me is going to make amends to family. And I wanted to run to my old man, to my dad and say, hey, listen, here's some money. I'm really sorry for what I did and my first sponsors. Absolutely not.

You need to live this. I'll show you my faith by my works. I'll show you my faith by my actions. That speaks a lot louder than any words I can come up with. And I'm not going to impress anyone with my little 90 day chip. And here I will out there. Did this last week.

It's really interesting people out there who were civilians. The Earthlings aren't impressed with five years of sobriety. They say I haven't drank in 20 years. What's the big deal?

They don't get it. I remember I was working as a longshoreman and there was a this this truck driver down there, you still operate machinery. And he was having lunch with a bunch of his friends. And I owe this guy some financial amends. But I also had some sober time. I was just back from Minnesota

and I interrupted his lunch. And I said whatever the time was, you know, 11 months today or some ridiculous thing like that. And he looked at me like, you're interrupting my lunch. I don't care.

And his best Joe Pesci imitation, you know,

and I was offended by this. Like why didn't he get up and congratulate me and buy me lunch and discount the money that I still owe him?

Well, he made my inventory that night for me and my first sponsor, bless his heart, shredded me some more that I had no right going to do that. Hello. How are you by the way? You have some time. I owe you money.

I had eventually make amends to him. The thing about amends, which is interesting, especially with financial restitution, and I was shown this early on, if I owe, if I owe out $1000 into the universe, some to Joe, some to Mary, some to my employer, whatever the people, whoever the people, whoever the people are $1000. And it's not my money. First of all, now I need to put food in my belly and take care of my family and pay my rent.

But if I need to go out,

but if I want to go out and buy, you know, $100 pair of Nikes because they're in style, what I'm doing is I'm stealing. Now again, I don't need new sneakers, but I want new sneakers and they cost about 100 bucks, we'll say. I don't know if they cost anymore. I need the Michael Jordan, you know, whatever it is. I need the Xbox. I need that flat screen TVI really need it. I, I, I need it,

right?

What I'm doing is I'm spending the money I'm supposed to be giving you on my wants and I'm stealing some more. I'm actually stealing more from you now. It is not my money. Now. It was difficult for me to get because I want a lot of stuff

until I to get to a place. I understood how my wants get dressed up as needs and convinced me. So it's about paying back and getting right with the universe and, and, and closing that circle, which kind of, you know, the circle on a triangle. I use that circle to represent my life. It's a close circle around the triangle. And I come in here and there's a lot of broken pieces in that circle, a lot of gaps in the circle.

And by the time I get to step 9, there's still gaps in that circle. No wonder why I'm not feeling whole and complete. And I go out and stop making amends. And I continue making amends in the indirect amends I make because I can't make direct amends. I do.

Maybe there's some, some, you know, all relationships. I can't go back to those women. So how am I treating women now? Maybe I can't go back to a former employee because it implicate other people who aren't giving me permission to go make amends. So I don't steal from my employer anymore. I become a good worker. So there's little things that God allows us to do. And as I start to do that, little by slowly my personal relationships start to get better. My work life gets better, my health gets better, and things that aren't even connected seem to be connected. I make amends here and that thing cleans up

and the circle gets completed. It gets whole again. No beginning, no end. It just is like God

no destination. They just can't tell the beginning is not the way to begin, though the end is is just is complete and we get I get an okayness on the inside. Now some of those less some of those muscles how to work hard for them all coming out of step one, my desire to get God in my life to my desired experience God and it says how the most difficult ones can be the most beneficial. Not every amends is a pleasant one like you going oh sure I remember you own a hey, congratulations way to go good to see you. God bless you.

Some of those people really not too thrilled about saying us seeing us and we tell them what we're there for and just give me my money and get out of my office. That happened to me outside of an OTB office. I came out of attorney's office with something unrelated to AI do work, and standing across the street was this guy waiting for OTB to open. And I went up to him and I didn't want to go, but I, you know, spirit moved me. So you go and

I'm giving them this. You know, I'm in.

I'm recovering now, he says. You owe me money.

And then he went on to say, I know your old man. For a long time the old man would have never did what you did. And he thought, give me a little lecture. I had to take a little heat. He was telling me without me asking how he felt about it. So I took a little heat. So what

what I did do was the, the, whatever it was the money I owed him, I gave him more than I than I borrowed because a whole lot of years had passed and that money wasn't worth the same amount 20 bucks 20 years later, maybe worth about 40 now. So I gave him some action. He took that willingly.

It says here my purpose is to fit myself to be a maximum service to God and the people around me

maximum service to God. This isn't about me feeling good. I might feel good out of immense and it's going to ensure my sobriety, but I'm going to make it right. And at some point on this path of making amends, I know that's what I need to do and I get to do. I need to go. I ripped you off, I hurt you and I'm acknowledging that and some and on some aspects I'm giving you respect back that I took away from you.

It's interesting too when we go to make amends to the opposite sex and I I I found this with

the men I sponsor in my own personal life.

Go back to make amends to a woman for inappropriate behavior, perhaps saying unkind things.

At that moment we break the link with a chain in her life. I've seen this happen where she's just used to cast accustomed to men trampling through her life because that's all she's worth.

And one of us go up and make amends and say you were treated inappropriately. You don't deserve to be treated that way. You're a child of God, just the way I am. I was wrong for what I did. And how can I make this right suddenly? Oh, you mean there's another way to live? Men can treat me different. You mean I'm worth more than what I've been doing? I've seen that conversion happen. This is doing God's work. Welcome to the NFL.

This isn't always touchy feeling. It's all about me. That's a self-centered alcohol

to make commence so I feel good. It's about doing God's work and sometimes we're going to get a knee scraped and get a couple of bruises along the way. It's part of the awakening. 1 Immense. Took me 17 years to find a person. Another one took almost as long as I'm sober. It happened

maybe a year and a half two years ago, about 20 something years accidentally locating someone and their first response was I thought you were dead.

And what's really interesting in talking to this person how they remembered me and wondered how I how my one drunk effects 6. This whole family would sit down and say whatever happened to that guy Peter? He just disappeared. I wonder if he's okay. Is he dead? He must be dead

and you know just this thing they were still disturbed and how come he went so sideways and why did he rob from us after treating him so nice? Was all this stuff going on and I show up, I'm able to make that right, 20 something years in the making, and I'll just tell you I

the question how to approach the man we hated will arise. It may be he has done us more harm than we have done him, and though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him, we are still not too keen about emitting our faults. Nevertheless, with the person we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth. It's harder to go to an enemy than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us is a promise. We go to this person, him or her and a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing

my former ill feeling ill feeling and expressing my regret. Under no condition do I criticize such a person or argue. I simply tell them I will never get over drinking until I do my utmost to straighten out the past. I'm there to sweep off my side of St. and I've shared this story a million times and I guess I'm sharing for someone who's new and has that person. They hate it on their list. How am I going to do this? I still don't like this person. I had a landlord who I despise at this point in my in my

and the guy did some bad things to me, but I was I was a drunk and a dolphin renting out an apartment in his house. I was not a good person.

He got real ugly with me, threatened me becoming violent with me banging on my door, roll out at night. Now, some of that was warranted, Amy can't deny that. But it was a, you know, Fast forward a couple years and here I am in this work and I'm thinking about what he did to me, not realizing I was a drunk and a dolphin living in this guy's, you know, renting out an apartment, almost burned his house down and just some ugly things. And I hated this man.

And I went I I stopped praying to make amends to him. And I saw him in a restaurant

and I had to leave the restaurant because I was, I was sweating bullets. I was not free. I had to get out of there and I had to go home and write more inventory on this, on my hate for this man. I hated him. What I wanted to do was, I'm ashamed to say, was get him alone and and beat the hell out of him. I did. He was, you know, I had that Napoleon complex. He was about 3 foot two and he thought he was 6 foot 8,

you know, and he got right in my face

and I'm busted up from tore up from the floor up. I mean, I'm a mess

and now I'm so, but I'm thinking he shouldn't have talked to me that way. And I was angry about this and I wrote a whole lot of inventory and I prayed for the willingness to go to any lengths. Pray for the willingness to go to any lengths and write some inventory, share my sponsor and I wake up on a Sunday morning going about my business and then it's there. God speaks our language that we could understand. And I got dressed because I was told when you have an appointment, you're going to go see somebody. Be the best copy this big book you can be. I don't go make an immense looking guy. I'm going to commit a felony in 20 minutes.

And so I go to this person's house and I sit down with financial restitution and I make it right.

OK, we're done. That's done. I acquire certainly was given a better attitude towards this man because I finally got to see, hey, how would you react if you had you living in your apartment? I want to kept me there that long. I would have probably called 911 immediately and get this bum out of here because that's what I was. And then what happened to me afterwards. I always try to explain this. It's unexplainable. How can I explain that which is unexplainable?

But I don't remember walking to my car. I do remember feeling like I couldn't touch the concrete when I was walking. I remember feeling lit up with light. I remember my eyes weeping as as this. This whole thing passed through me and the next thing I know it was euphoric

as putting it mildly, but I really can't explain what was going on. But I don't remember the drive home and I was living in Bay Ridge and this was in Bensonhurst.

So it wasn't a long drive, but it was, it took a few minutes on a Sunday morning. But I can't, I can't to this moment recall the drive home. I just remember leaving his house and having this moment. Bill describes a white light experience, if you want to call it that to to give you an idea what was going on. I didn't say to myself, oh, wow, I'm having a spiritual experience. I can't wait to get the Home group and tell everybody it was, there was no thought. There was a, there was a this gap of no mind going on.

Actors call it being in the moment.

Well, you're not thinking about the part you're playing. You are the part. Well, I guess you. I'm just trying to create something here. What was going on? And I changed my whole life. The ground was really fertile and it came by making amends. I did not want to go make. And so first time through to work, probably in the neighborhood of 200 director Mens that I made the first time through to work.

It's lessened over the years because I don't cause harm like I used to, but I still stand willing to go make this. And anytime I'm not willing to make amends, I have a first step problem. I thank God that hasn't happened so far. And as I clean up amends it, my book tells me I've entered the world of the spirit. It says this thought brings us to step 10, which thought that I'm cleaning up amends and I may not have all of them done yet, but I'm actively seeking out these folks. I didn't make 10 and hang out

and rest on my laurels.

So as of today, as far as I know I'm current

Right now

I'm current my amends. I don't have any outstanding amends that I'm currently aware of right now. I'm up to date with creditors and things like that and as far as I know anyone I've harmed I've taken care of the day. Still young so who knows what will happen but I'm I'm up to date. I'm current and when I learned from this is intuitive thinking comes from being current

John.

So the best way for me to show you my beliefs and my faith is by my actions,

right? That's all I got. Thanks. OK. Thanks, Peter.

I wanted to, I mentioned earlier that there is a momentum to the spiritual life

and we can stall out now we have made a contractual arrangement with God at Step 3.

The deal we have said is,

you know,

I'll do what you want. If you'll give me my life, I'll go with you.