Step 3 at the Fellowship of the Spirit convention in Queens, NY

Oh my God, you get to see you move, they replace you. That's it.

All right, Peter. Alcoholic.

So we looked at steps one and two to point it to the solution

and I just have to a little ADD moment. Alcohols can't count until time and I'm looking at the schedule. We're not even close to this schedule. So we're just going to we're just going to go for it. Here

we look at Chapter 5, how it works. We identified a problem. Lack of power is my dilemma. Had to find power. Where do I find this power? They say go in, it's not out there. I need some inside journey, inside job, and I'm about to make a decision to get to that power in three and turn everything

over to this power that I don't know. And if we think about it, they're asking us

to walk,

to take a journey, to walk a path that we've never walked before,

to experience a God we've never met before.

And as someone writes, and the only way I can see the path is by the light that burns in my heart to know God.

So we come in for the first time to Alcoholics Anonymous, and they say, you better go through the steps. You better go through the steps. And you see people doing the steps who seem to be doing OK. And we agree. And sometimes we bottom out in Alcoholics Anonymous. And we think, you know, we're working a great program, by the way we say that, but usually means we don't have a program

or you know, hey, there's Joe, he's in a program as Mary, she's in a program. We're not in the program in a fellowship. The program is something completely different that very few of us work, but many of us say we do. And this program talks about a very narrow path to which we're going to walk on and passing through a very narrow gate.

Many of us going to walk in a very wide road and a very big gate and have emotional hangovers regularly and try to cover our tracks and have no clue what's going on because I'm always lying

and the ego is running is really my God. So the road is about to get narrow quick here,

but I don't know where I'm going.

In fact, each time I go through the work, I don't know where I'm going again,

and only an alcoholic can be grateful for not knowing where we're going.

It's none of my business.

I need to know what's going to happen. I did my due diligence. I need. I've found out. I put the steps on a spreadsheet and this is going to happen to me. I'll have a 40% increase in spiritual behavior when I'm done.

It just doesn't work that way. The spiritual life makes absolutely no sense to a thinking mind. And I'm trying to approach this whole spiritual thing, this whole spiritual journey with my mind, which means I'm already in trouble because that's going to, I'm just going to reinvent myself. I can't start a spiritual experience with the with the answer in in in my mind already.

So I surrender

and I go through the work again and again and again and I don't know where it's going to take me to. What is going to be revealed to me? Is it going to be life changing is just going to be a little bit more awareness? I have no idea, but it's none of my business. But again, I don't know where this is going to take me to. The only difference now is if I'm seeking God, I know at some point it's going to be good for me to be of service to others and that is become incredibly important to me. What kind of am I an effective agent for this power call God?

My book says he's the principal where his agents are going to read that in a little bit, which means I represent. We represent power because an agent represents the principle.

How am I doing?

Or am I? They used to say I I'm better be the best copy of this big book that someone sees because it may be the only one they ever see. How am I doing?

Am I an, a, a Angel and a house devil? I mean, how's that look? And so we get to step three and it says how it works. And I, I, I wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard somebody say, I don't know how it works, but I know it works. Well, open up to page 58 and find out,

my Lord,

I got, I got, you know, Jody old timer with 7,000,000 years sober in the back of the room. I don't know how it works, God damn it, but I know it works well. Maybe you should go through the steps and find out that it's pretty good. You know,

I how, what works,

how living in a world of spirit, how this God works, how this program works, how it works. It's not a mystery. They didn't hide it. It's not this, you know, the, the, the Dead Sea Scrolls of a, a are in the back somewhere and then, and only Harry knows where or Tom Needham knows where they are and that's it. You know it's open.

Did you ever go to a big book meeting, A step meeting and there's no big books in the room?

You go to a big butts happen to me, go to a big book meeting and you look around for the shades and there's no shades in A room.

They're keeping it a secret. And the other thing I found I just get on a soapbox here ought to be passionate or to challenge,

but not to use this book as a weapon and be a big book. Lawyer up. You misquoted something.

The intent is what counts. I don't need to know all the commas and all the periods are and where the paragraphs. I know people can recite this book upside down. I don't want to have a cup of coffee with them.

It's about the spiritual transformation. Don used to tell us attraction, not promotion. If I'm slamming you with this book the day you bottom out, you're not coming to me for help because I'm all these big book people are this way. We have warring theologians and Alcoholics Anonymous. The big book is against the non big bookers and vice versa.

Then we have this wonderful thing. The big book is against the big book is because we did it really right. You're not so right.

Where's God in that

Rarely have we seen a person fail fail at what God consciousness and sobriety who will slowly follow this path decision in three to path the 429 which takes me to God. My book delivers me or unveils this God to me that's been there all along in a in A and the resistance that I'm going to experience in seeking God is all coming from the mind. No one else. That's unmanageability, which is the internal condition never out there. It's me and my mind still playing God and me still worshipping it.

I bristle at antagonism when you talk to me about God. Why The Spirit doesn't bristle with antagonism? The Spirit is looking to be fed. It's my mind.

It's a threat. The ego is about to commit suicide and wants no part of it. No wants, no God. Let's not talk about God. Let's talk about me. You know, Alcoholics. All right, it goes like this. Let's not talk about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me?

OK,

those who do not recover up. People cannot or will not completely give themselves to a simple program. Usually men and women are constitutionally incapable of seeing the truth

as to my condition. Now it doesn't only mean with booze because I could be in a a not drinking, but maybe I got these other things.

I can't manage money and I insist on managing money. I'm having a problem in the sex life and I insist on managing my sex life. I'm having a problem fill in the blank and I insist on managing it. I'm incapable of being honest with that area of my life. Everything's got to go to God. It says there are such unfortunates. They're not at fault. They seem to have been born that way. I'm naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.

This spiritual life demands rigorous honesty. My book is real clear about that.

There's no little dishonesty.

It demands rigorous honesty in all areas in my life. How am I doing so far?

Those who there are those who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them have the capacity to be honest. So the first time I'm going through this book and I read Grave Emotional mental Disorders, I thought it was folks who had serious psych issues. Those poor people.

And then my sponsor says, no, they're talking about you.

And I said, well, I don't have. I'm not on medication, I'm not bipolar, I have psych issues. I'm not a sociopath. He says no, Yes, you are.

He's How many times did you return to things that were killing you?

That's insanity. You have a grave emotional mental disorder. Unless you get spiritually fit,

you will return on a suicide miss you go back to things that'll kill you. That's your grave emotional mental disorder. Or as we used to say, repeating the same thing over expecting different results. There's a breakdown in communication, right? They have a fancy, I'm in a treatment center business and they're ripping off DACA silk work regularly and they're what they've they've upped it. They've given it really fancy language. They call it now chronic thought disorder.

We call it by the line. The truth will get you.

It's a it's I. Someone says to me, Pete crossed the avenue, I'm going to blindfold you. I say I'm not doing that. I'll get killed. That same rational thinking they use the jaywalker in this book. Now chronic thought disorder or the jaywalker or buying the lie is OK, I'll try it. I'll take a bet. And I walk across the street and I get hit by a car. Now that's Monday. Tuesday. I'm not doing that anymore.

And Mike gives me a blindfold and my mind doesn't remember the pain,

just like the jaywalker. And I buy to lie again. That's chronic death disorder. And over time it gets worse and worse and worse because we buy more lies, we get into more jams, we get into more trouble, and we try to overcome a sick mind with the same sick mind. It's kind of dark disorder. It's insanity that I live with. They were talking about this way back when, and some fancy psychiatrists and doctors come up with chronic thought disorder. But you were saying no, the names get longer and bigger so why don't even understand

going on? Just medicate me.

That's a whole nother topic. Don't get me started, OK,

it says. But we have the capacity to be honest. So this vessel God put that allows me to walk around in has become polluted.

And So what I need to do is emptying out,

just purging or the death of self. So does glass of water. With this bottle of water, I don't know, it's about maybe 8 or 10 oz. If I leave it here and come back in a year, though, it's you can't drink this water. The container is fine, just a little dirty, rinse it off. And what do I do is empty out the contents in there and put fresh water in there and I can drink it. It's fine. The container might be a little bit older, a little bit more banged up, but it's OK. It's what was going on in here, or perhaps currently, that needs to be emptied out.

The process of recovery is removal, never addition. I don't need anything. Everything I need to walk this journey God gave me when I got here. Not to a a when he brought me here.

The reason why I was made guts was born and made sober.

I've accumulated things over the years. I've accumulated resentments, I've learned prejudice. I've learned how to lie. I like lying. I like being an eagle. I want things and I live up to these standards that are unrealistic. It all had to go. The purging, the emptying out,

Capacity to be honest, capacity to have God, the capacity to grow with God. The vessel is there. It's OK

whether we're 5 feet tall or 6 feet tall. The vessels, the vessel God is God. The interesting thing is when God shows up, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, God shows up.

And whether I'm with children, I'm working or driving in the car, something happens in that moment. We say, Oh my God, it's God.

And I've been chopping wood and carrying wood and chopping wood and carrying on, trying to do the steps and going through the steps. I'm talking to my sponsors. When is this thing going to happen? Not on my time. And here I am, you know, maybe driving to work and boom, it's on me. I was coming back. I always like to tell the story. Coming back from Pennsylvania. I I think I was on that Pennsylvania

freeway or something, your long Turnpike. Thank you.

Are you here to make amends for that awful road or something?

That is the, that is the worst. I mean, that makes Newark airport look good. But anyway. And so I'm driving back from work marketing all day and I work with my, my old sponsor and we're into, I'm into making amends and moving into 1011 and,

and my, my marriage is falling apart at the time. It's a, it's a disaster. My ex-wife can't stop drinking, smoking weed and, and doing coke and, and I got married for good and all. I mean, you just don't get, you don't get divorced and it's falling apart. And I'm going through the work and I'm God, please just comfort me and I don't know what to do. And so I go through the work and I'm driving back from Pennsylvania and

boom,

it was as if there was something wrapped me up and the tears began and I'm weeping. But they weren't sorrow tears. There was comfort, the nearness of our books as a as of our creator. Something different happened

and so I continue to seek it says our story is disclosed in a general way. What I used to be like living life on self will, what happened to spiritual transformation and how I'm like now living in the world of the spirit. If you decide you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it and if I'm not, I need to maybe touch step one again, then I'm ready to take certain steps decision in three and four through 9. It says that some of these we balked. I don't what I could find

off the way, which means I don't have to be really do a fourth step. I can write an autobiography. Besides, I am in a relationship now and she's a good girl and my life is changing now. So I really know I'll get to my I'm going to get to my one day. I'll do my 4th step right and I'll tell my sponsor a little bit. I'll tell you some, I'll tell him some. But they don't need to know all of it. And I censor everything because it's about looking good.

I couldn't though. It says, well, the earnestness that I'll command. They're begging me to be fearless and thorough. From the very start, I've tried to hold on to my old ideas and I usually get drunk to resil. The result was nil.

I had to let go. Absolutely. And as a challenge now, sometimes we refer to this as a leap of faith. Take the leap of faith. And I share with you my experience. I found that there's no such thing as a leap of faith. That's fear, that's agnosticism, that's self-reliance. My leap of faith. This is what my mind says. Take the leap of faith. You got to do it. I mean, right in the middle between the leap and the landing. I may not get there.

Where's God in that? Who's giving me the inspiration and the encouragement

and allow me to listen to a teacher who's saying you need to go from there to there, God, and who's going to catch me when I land God in God's world, there is no gravity. He's in the middle going to catch me. There's no leap of faith. It's just another step. I just never walked it yet.

So if I have a sponsor that I believe that he believes or she believes and I see them living in the sunlight experience, I want what you have to offer. Then I just grab onto their hand, literally and figuratively hold their hand. The same thing with this power call God. And somewhere I land on the other side of the archway and I look back and say it was the innocent climb. It wasn't so bad, and it was a hell a lot, lot better than worshipping a bottle of Jack Daniels,

but it meant I had to surrender some ideas. Let go. Absolutely. My old ideas, my perceptions and conceptions about everything in my life. What an order. I can't go through with it. What's the alternative? Drink and die.

OK? Keep moving. I don't know about this power code. God as mixed as you're willing. OK, let's keep moving. Let's keep moving. Lack of power is my dilemma. I need power yesterday. I don't have time to sit around and I'll just. I'll pass over to Mick. Just a quick story. I was sitting with Mark H was in Staten Island and he was staying at a friend of mine, Tommy's house. And we had this drunk come in friend of Tom Needham's. The guy was in rough shape

and we sat around was about 1520 of us. We did the third step prayer and Mark's talking to this guy about need power and need power. We all held hands. We did third step prayer and he sat down and let's start step forward this guy and a guy came up with seven names. I'll never forget it. And I'm thinking, Oh my God, he's in serious trouble. Marks is good enough. Let's go

move them right there at the table. And the next day he was out. Making amends needed power not 90 days

now tonight, right now we need to access something and he had to experience some hitting on the ego, some that the self to experience some power. God is gracious. God doesn't withhold everything and say when let me let me think about I'll get back to you make 90 meetings in 90 days and I'll give you some of me. I mean, it just doesn't happen.

Constantly searching outside myself and all I have to do is go in, which is what the work does. And that's more frightening thing than anything in the whole world. Go inside. I'd rather blame you and look outside. I'd rather get stuff to make me feel good. Based on my experience, that doesn't work.

Rarely have we seen a person fell who follows this path.

Thank you, Peter.

So this radical program,

if you have decided

you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.

Isn't that interesting? I mean, I've had a new meaning for that come into my life.

If you have decided you want what we have and you're willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.

That's interesting, right? It's not like we're going to talk you into it. We're going to cajole. Excuse me?

It's up to you. It's your life.

How much do you want this? If you don't want to get sober and you don't want to stop drinking, guess what? You're not going to,

right? But what if you do? Then you find out there's an alcoholic living inside of you.

Then you're going to have to be willing. You don't have to do anything but die. PS

But then you're going to be willing to go to any lengths, then you are ready to take certain steps. I just, I don't know. I just found it interesting

at some of these we balked.

We thought we could find an easier, softer way,

but we could not. I was an escape. Excuse me? I was an escape artist all my life. I ran. What is your response, Mickey, to this difficulty? Run. Run. Run. Run, run, run, run.

Right now, I got squarely confronted with life and death,

and I stood at the foot of the steps of 1311 York Street. And the steps, that's a long flight of stairs. It looked like Mount Everest, and I stood seriously at the bottom of them on February 12th, 1974,

and I looked up those steps and I thought when I walk up those steps and go through that door, my whole life is going to change.

It's not going to be the same ever again.

And justice? As an aside, I kept waiting for when was my life going to return to normal,

right? And it's like, I'm in here, we're all singing the camp song and we're all doing the thing and all that stuff. And I'm going, yeah, yeah, that's great. When do I get to go home?

This is home.

That's how far I was away from sanity, how far I was away from Mickey, and how far I was away from God. I just wanted to go home, and it felt so artificial for so long. But the alternative was really serious, more serious than anything I'd had in my life.

We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. With all the earnestness at our command. We beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Can I get a bottle of water or a glass of water please?

Thank you.

I got a Mickey in my throat. Thank you very much.

Whatever, I need a drink.

With all the earnestness our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and catch this, and the result was nil until we let go. Absolutely. Isn't that interesting? I mean, here we, here I am going through life. I had a guy tell me, a priest. Actually I was working in Kil, Mississippi in 1965,

and he looked at this with a brother who worked with him, said, you know, Mickey said I'd like to give you a can of black paint and a can of white paint and send you out to the world.

He said there is no Gray in your world.

It's either hot or cold. We're going to do it or we're not going to do it. What's the deal? And then I came into a fellowship that puts that sentence in the book. I thought, I'm home. This is great.

Half measures availed us nothing. They don't avail us half.

We stood at the turning point. We asked his protection and care with complete abandoned,

complete abandoned, let go, absolutely abandoned ourselves utterly. They're giving us something. So

we made a decision to turn our will in our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. Or don't,

because we don't have to understand God to go with God.

Decision comes from a Latin word that is the same as incision. The word decision means to cut.

That's why if I say

I think I'll do something that's one kind of a position or I am making a decision to do something has spiritual power, I'm going to cut. I'm going this way. I'm going to cut that and I'm going to go that way. That's my intention. That's the spiritual move I'm making now.

I know you guys have

all been beaten to death with the three frogs, but for the couple of people who haven't heard it,

and I'm sharing this with you because it helped me understand exactly because I had an expectation at step three that if I made a decision to turn my will in my life over the care of God, I'm there. We're good. I didn't understand there was work

or it would be a three-step program. 3 frogs sitting on a log. One of them makes a decision to go into the pond. How many frogs are there on the log? And the answer is not what I said.

There are three frogs on the log. Why? Because only thing this frog did is make a decision to go into the pond. If he's going to get into the pond, he's got to jump, he's got to go. He's got to take action

or he won't end up in the pond. He'll be sitting there on that log for a long time wondering why he's not in the pond, right.

So I'm going to cut this path and I'm going to go there.

Why would I want to do that? I know I have a fire breathing dragon behind me. I know this

and the road ahead is dark. I don't know what's down that road, but I know I have a fire breathing dragon behind me. So I'm going down that road. Where is it going to lead? Is it going to be OK? Am I going to be OK?

I don't know. I know I'm gonna die otherwise. So the blessing is that I've been given alcoholism. It's the greatest gift I've ever gotten in my life,

right

Be any, any disease that's going to lash me to God.

He's got to be good.

And like the master said,

a good tree, as Peter said earlier, bears good fruit. It's not rocket science. How do I know it's a good tree? It bears good fruit.

If this was the cult we suspected, it might be

right.

We would come out warped, twisted, lost and probably dying.

But it isn't that. This is life giving,

but it's not. It's so counterculture that occurred to me. We celebrated our 40th Maurice 40 years in Al Anon and I'm 40 years in a. We celebrated our 40th anniversary at the church that we go to

and we asked if we could have this party over there and they said what's the party about?

And I said I'm 40 years sober. And we sent out Flyers. People thought even in a a that it was our 40th wedding anniversary

and I was going to save this for later, but I'll introduce my children to you now. We have three children. The oldest is a daughter. And what's the date today?

The 19th? Tomorrow she will be 43 years old.

Yay.

And she is a sober alcoholic.

Yay. And she's 10 years sober now. I'll talk more about her, let I know, And I would put my life in her hands in a moment

and I just really love her.

We named her Amy after the French AMI because

we had this gift.

The first time Marie and I got close, we created Amy

and she told me and see I asked her to marry me.

Marie and I knew each other three months before we were married.

I was a singer. I was a folk singer, and I was doing my first professional engagement

and singing in this bar. Anne Marie was the Hostess in the bar across the hall. And the guy told us at 9:00 you have to sing. Whether there's anybody in here or not, I'm paying you. It's like that now. Why are they always like that? But anyway, OK, so she wanders in on a break and she is our only audience. It's me and my partner singing partner, and Marie is our audience. And she's sitting there. She's drunk and I'm sober.

Was the last time

ever.

And I thought that she said she's. Here's what I thought. She said, hi, my name is Murray. I thought, God, a woman named Murray. I got to get to know her. This is terrific

and I looked at her and I said I will never let her go. I fell in love with her right then

and three months later we were married and I asked her to marry me the night before she found out she was pregnant. Sega, how kind God is?

I got that in the bank forever. Never a question.

And and so and Amy did the math on that one. Finally, one day in our kitchen, she's gone. Wait a minute. What is this?

I said. Honey, we named you friend because when she told me that she was pregnant, I thought all the buttons were going to pop off on my shirt. My chest swelled up and I grabbed her and I took her out to lunch and I told everybody in that restaurant we were going to have a baby.

God gives us some very important gifts sometimes. Anyway, we have a daughter, Amy, and she lives in Illinois and she's 10 years sober. She is married to an alcoholic. I was his sponsor, and when I was sponsoring these young men, I had a whole bunch of young single men. We would talk about the care and feeding of a woman.

We would talk about dating

and invariably in the course of the conversation I would say, I wonder where the woman is. God has for you tonight. I wonder what she's doing. I didn't know she was upstairs with this guy.

It takes some brass right to ask your sponsor. Can I take your daughter out? No.

Thank you. My derriere is not up to these chairs. Thank you so much, Jack. God bless you.

I thought it was gonna die last night in this chair. I mean iron chairs. Who invented that?

So in it. Thank you very much, Jack.

So, yeah, yeah, Jack.

So I did. I I did not know that he was interested in our daughter

and so

I did, however, get a chance to hear his fifth step before I found out. He's a good man.

He's a good man.

And they have seven children.

And from the time she was a little girl, she wanted to be a mom and a wife. That's all she ever wanted. And she's a good mom and she's a Good Wife, and her husband's a great guy.

And then we have a middle sun and he's married and he has two daughters and he lives in Buffalo, NY.

And then came Peter. And Peter was a Rascal and

and twice tattooed and Mr. Hempo grandissimo and all of this right? And he is a Catholic priest.

And so we sent out Flyers and we said to people,

we're going to be celebrating our 40th anniversary, please come. We're going to have mass before we have our party. You're so welcome. You're invited. If you don't want to come, that's fine, too.

And so Peter said this mess and he said he was like, he said I'm really intimidated to be up here saying Mass before you guys. We had such a mixed bag here. And he said, you know, he said it took me years in the seminary before I figured out that spiritual direction did not come with expletives

from listening to his father do spiritual direction on the phone. Anyway, whatever. OK,

nice. Huh.

So we had this party. Where is this story going? OK, we had this party

and the thing I discovered, and we had people from the parish we invited, please come on in. You know, and they're saying they're sitting with us. We are a subculture. We are a subculture in our country, in the world. And it was like people would say, and you know, what's the, what's the occasion? And I'd say, you know, I'm sober and Alcoholics Anonymous and this kind of stuff. And and it just struck me, I don't know why I'm telling this story.

I guess I'm telling this story because

the price of my life is that I be in this subculture with you. If somebody were to ask me, Mickey, what is life on Earth like if you're not alcoholic? I couldn't answer it. I don't know. Do you understand? And we always are saying that normal person, that normal person, and you know what? What do they think? And we want to think like a gentleman. I mean, I'm misquoting the book. That's another story. I really. OK,

so you know, we want all of that stuff. And that normal person, I have no idea what that's like.

I have no idea. I've been alcoholic all my life and I get to live and breathe and walk and serve with you

and we get to walk with each other. But we are a subculture if you are looking for us. PS In a book of psychology, you will find us in the abnormal psychology section.

Like Peter was saying, it's not that other person who's mentally ill. I'm mentally ill. It's not that other person who's emotionally struggling. I'm emotionally struggling every day. Me and the Vulture,

right? So what's the price of freedom? The price of freedom is that I am commissioned by God to be Mickey Mustard.

That's it,

right? This shirt, I've got it in Manhattan yesterday. It's like it says the real, the genuine. This is it.

I hated Mickey Mus,

right? And James Taylor has a song and in one of the lyrics that it is, he says to sit in the dark and be somebody else, right?

I'm supposed to be in the light and I'm supposed to be this man. This man, Okay, The only way I'm going to get to the truth. And we're here for transformation, as I said yesterday, not to be somebody else, but to be who we truly are. And it's good enough. It's good enough. And each one of us are going to have people that we're going to, that are going to reach out to us and they're only going to hear you. They're not going to hear me.

They're not going to hear Peter. They're only going to hear you.

That's why God made more than three of us.

We have work to do. So this making this decision, I'm going with you, God, I don't know, as Peter said, where we're going, but I am making this decision, this spiritual powerful move to go with you.

And then, you know, I have all this work to do to get with you, to be with you, to surrender to you.

So we made a decision that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our director. The guy told me, Mickey, do you need a director? A director, he says, is a person to tells the actor when to show up, what to say, where to stand, when to shut up and when to leave. Do you need that? I said, oh, man, do I need that? Oh, man, you know, and, and he is the dad and we are the children. Dad, can I have the keys for the car tonight?

He is the principal and I'm his agent. I was in an ad agency for 25 years. I carried out my principles, wishes. OK, I may I represent it. I signed contracts for my principal. I did these things for my client. But I am God's representative. What?

I used as we all did, I used to think, God, if you ever found out who I am, you would not want to be around me, right? And this is who God commissioned to go out and do the job. And we are who God commissioned to go out and do the job and blah, blah, blah. It's the best story there is. It's the greatest show on earth. We are in miracle country,

Peter. That's what I got

when Mick was talking about how we're abnormal,

how the world perceives us.

I can only imagine.

I was living in Staten Island and my family and I just moved out there and I came home, I was driving drunk and I hit a telephone pole driving my brothers car without his permission and I totaled the car. I mean the the telephone pole was basically sitting on like the dashboard and.

In this drunk and I remember it was blood. I was lucky to be alive. I was really banged up, took about 20 stitches in my head and

some some other damage and I recuperated

and it was

maybe two or three months later, all about maybe 20 feet from that telephone poles of fire hydrant. I hit the fire hydrant drunk,

the water was shooting up and the car turned around, was heading down the street, called Highland Blvd. the wrong way and I'm trying to catch up to the car and I got another gash in my head and my shoulders banged up and whiplash and OK. My dad sits me down and says and I'll clean up the language. What is wrong with you?

How could you hit a telephone pole and 20 feet away the same corner hit the fire hydrant? Didn't you know that turn is sharp?

I just went. I'm drunk. Everything looks the same, you know,

he couldn't understand what was wrong with me, what is wrong with you? And my brothers backed it up with some of their language and I'll clean it up. And it went what is wrong with you?

Usually followed went by When are you going to grow up?

You see, I can't see the world the way they see it and vice versa. Now you guys laugh and I tell you about that. You know, it happened to me. I I get it because we know what we're doing. We know how we operate. In fact, this is the only place on the planet where I can tell you the most God awful things I've ever done. And you said, here's my number, give me a call.

So that's how we operate and usually go through like pointing fingers at everyone. And as I was told, I'm on a horse riding backwards and I'm taking your inventory who you're running a saddle the right way. Step three, it tells me on page 60 some interesting language here. It says our description of the alcohol to chapter 2 agnostic, whether to describe the alcoholic in step 143 pages, chapter 2 agnostic. I get introduced to Step 2 and our personal ventures before God and after God make three of three really important ideas here.

That I'm an alcoholic, drunk or sober, and I can't manage my own life and the belief system is because I'm sober and I got my year and everyone gives me an applause. I'm now back in the saddle. I'm in charge

and the newcomers got to make coffee and do all these things. Drunk or sober, I'm alcohol cannot manage my own life. I'm not cured. I'm recovered but not cured, that probably no human power could relieve me. My alcoholism, that new, wonderful, euphoric relationship, is not God.

That money, that job, the new car, as great as it feels, is not God. No human power, no thing

can relieve me of booze. I'll get some maybe a quick relief. You know, I'm in a new relationship. I need to, I did this, need to behave. Now I'm going to straighten up and fly right. And that doesn't happen once the honeymoon phase is over, once the job gets old. I got this job. If I, if I do good, I'm going to keep making money. Then the money gets old. And because I'm an alcoholic, I go back to drinking regardless of what's going on. So no human power is going to relieve me of this.

God could. And what if he was sort of What am I doing to seek? Am I seeking

what's my current relationship with God look like right now?

If we can bump this up a little bit, if I have outstanding amends that I could be making this morning without causing more harm, and I'm not, my relationship with God is suffering, even though I don't think so.

I have about 30 outstanding amends that I could be going to making calls right now today, and it won't cause more harm. They just need to get done. In fact, I can do face to face with these folks,

but I'm not doing it. So I'm claiming having a spiritual awake is relatively steps and I really haven't really my relationship with God is not on kind of rocky ground right now because I'm not doing what he's asking me to do is go fix things, go repair things because I have to go to a workshop. I got Home group, I have to go to the game and that stuff has become less important.