Step 2 at the Fellowship of the Spirit convention in Queens, NY

He's gonna start.

Good morning. My name is Peter. Recovered alcoholic. Hey Peter,

grateful to be alive and sober and part of a sacred place called Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm glad some of you guys came back after last night.

Really good to be here.

God separated me from alcohol June 23rd 1988. Recovered alcoholic and I'm grateful for that gift.

I remember coming to these deals when they were over at St. John's And it was a guy, Bart, who was running the show. And

first time I became, I didn't know what they were. And Don P and Jerry Elkins were doing it. And I got to see them a couple of times. And then I watched Mark and Mark and Joe H,

Mark H and Joe H do these things. And I would sit there in awe of how these men can talk about this information,

what great passion and conviction. And I had passion and conviction. But I, I, how do you get to that place? And it isn't such a big leap. It just requires being disciplined to the spiritual life. As far as speaking, that's a whole nother deal. That's God's job. But to to live that life, I was had to be willing to surrender.

And a handful of years ago, BOT gave me a call to do one of these deals with the gentleman from California, Hector E and and the Rhema boys. And that sounds really Texas, the Rhema boys

and me.

And I was excited to do it, but I, I was really more excited because I felt like I was following my elders and carrying the torch, which is a responsibility we all have. We were talking over dinner last night and Mick was saying there's a lot of young folks in this group and there's a lot of new folks come in Talc Oaks Anonymous and those of us have been around up to character torch. So I did that and

I came back again a few years later as my third Fellowship of the Spirit in Queens. And

my feelings about it are still the same, but I think my approach is different,

little older and hopefully a little bit wiser in doing these things in in my life in general. And so I'm really glad to be here to get to share. And I always like to start these things with either a prayer or some consideration. And I just want to start with this and we'll get into reviewing last night.

Last time we talked about unmanageability and who's going to manage our life. And one of the things when we're living in the world that a spirit, things start to unfold. Things have unfolded for me and we start to live along the lines of a life along the lines of spiritual lines. And, and I just want to share this with you. It says people are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you're honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good, Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway for see for you see, in the end it is between you and God. It was never between you and them. Anyway, that's really raising the bar because how often, you know, we're in Alcoholics Anonymous and we give the talk and we want feedback soon as we're done.

And it's always, always about representing or presenting this, this, this, this false self to other people. Because there's a motive of me getting well. And if no one's around, I don't do so well. How am I doing, as I said last night, when I'm all alone?

And am I doing it? Am I trying to do good because I'm afraid of the consequences,

or am I doing good because I've been changed? I've been transformed. So if I come up to a red light at maybe 2:00 in the morning and it's a really long red light and I want to get home and I live a block away and there's no cops around, I'm look, I said I can take this light right now.

And if you're from Brooklyn or Queens, that's a regular recurrence,

right? And there's no cops around. And I really am tired. It's 2:00 in the morning. I want to get home. Who's going to know? But I'll probably get a ticket because I know there's a cop behind the tree desk. So you wait and you begrudgingly, and then you wait for the green. You go through same scenario, 2:00 in the morning, I'm tired. I come up to a light, it's a red light and I wait

and then they turns green and I go. And the difference between the two is one, I'm doing good really because I'm afraid of the consequences if I do bad. And the other one is I do good because that's the way I've been made. One is the transformation, one is compliance. And so how am I doing in Alcoholics Anonymous currently? Am I saying the right things? Am I trying to do the right thing because I'm afraid of what people are going to think of me? Or have I been transformed that this big book has become part of my beingness?

That's who I be. Last night we talked about the unmanageable

current unmanageability, which in order to have some sort of okayness with me again, it's about me surrendering, being disciplined to the spiritual life. And 43 pages they talk about the phenomenal call craving. They talk about the mind in chapter 3,

that I have a mind that will take me back to that which is killing me.

And once I pick up a drink, the phenomenon called craving kicks in and then I stop drinking and I get sober.

And that doesn't mean my life is manageable. I've just removed the symptom of a greater problem.

Bill uses the word root and branch. I could see a tree. We can chop the tree down but the roots can go a block away. So I need to go down and get to causes and conditions. If not all I'm doing is walking around Alcoholics Anonymous without a drink in me. And this illness will go underground and resurface and other areas that call sprees. And I will go on the food sprees and the sex breeze and a money spree's and a lying sprees in the fear sprees and the spree and I re merge remorse with the firm resolution not to do that again.

I want to experience God so I can tell you about it or because it's the last rung on the ladder and I got nothing else and there's nothing else but that. And that gift of desperation is about me grabbing onto something other than me and other people. No human power to experience God. Interesting thing happens to me as we're, as we're kind of moving along through this work and we're starting to get awakened,

we start to bear witness for those who are lost.

I was seeking God, God seeking me

to seek, Scott's seeking out me to find me and to save me. And he gives me this incredible gift. And my job is to go out and bring God's kids back to him. Go out and get the lost sheep and bring them home. And it's part of our primary purpose. Stay, SOB and help another alcoholic recover from alcoholism. Go get God's children. It's no longer about me and Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm certainly not the most important member of Alcoholics Anonymous. We're in a Home group,

so we start going through the steps and life seems to get manageable and hopefully we're really looking at the core for me of unmanageability is not known. Today is going to look like when a drink shows up, when I go drink and I can't stop.

I wake up at 8:00, I'm more looking to go to work and at 10:00 I'm in the bar or in a liquor store. How this happened, That wasn't the plan. And trying to out think my own mind is futile. Trying to remember where I come from, play to tape to remember where I come from, keep it green. All those things are futile because I'm trying to use a sick mind to overcome a sick mind and I get drunk. It's when I'm out of me, there's nothing left. There's no self-reliance that I reach on to someone else, a sponsor who takes me, drives me back to God, and that is the power

back that keeps me from drinking. And that for me is the core of unmanageability. But we got this other piece and last night I think I was talking about getting all the ducks in a row

and life becomes my master and I'm headed for trouble if I do.

Here's a consideration. Even though we move move forwards through the steps, one through 12, is it possible I can stock on backwards through the steps?

I'm not really sponsoring anyone. I practice these principle in my affairs when it looks good for me. Other than that, I don't. I'm a drunk. I'm running around a, a, like a, a, a drunk without a drink in me.

I'm not helping anyone. I occasionally make meeting just to see some of the guys. Meditation is the first practice that goes by the wayside. That's nonexistent or what I hear a lot. I'm when I, I meditate when I'm driving to work. Stay off the road if you're doing that right. Very dangerous, right? Oh, I pray on my way to work. That's all great for praying on your way to work 'cause I do that. I talk to God in the car. But the prayer should be something sacred. Why? I'm giving attention to this power who's giving me everything.

Let me set aside some time for this, to worship my Creator, to listen in meditation. But that kind of goes by the board because I have to pick out the right clothes and I got things to do and I have to go on that famous website, make sure everyone likes me today before I check in with God, right? Make sure I post all my pictures before I seek my Creator right?

There's no nightly review and I'm walking around without a ten step. In fact, I'm starting to blame other people. As far as making amends quickly, that's out. I have unfinished amends that I'm not making and because who? It's a long time ago. Besides, I feel good and I started to worship my emotions. I started to worship my mind. I start to worship me because now I'm God Defects a character starting to run the show again and I deny them. I in fact, I get used to them. I point out your defects, but I have none.

I haven't written inventory and God knows how long and that turning it over. I'm turning everything back to me because I'm God. So there's no more decision that's gone. I'm running my life again in Saint thoughts thought to show up. It may not be a drink, but it's the sprees. A very inappropriate behavior that if he or she found me, I probably get divorced. If my boss find out, I get fired and I'm living in a world of unmanageability. I've become agnostic. I'm in self-reliance and I have fear. It's this vicious cycle,

a current agnosticism. Unmanageability, self-reliance, fear. Fear

current agnosticism, self-reliance, and it's just unmanageable, just as vicious cycle. And I'm looking for comfort somewhere.

In fact, I demand people give me comfort because I'm not walking around with an okayness in here.

And then I pick up a drink, whether that takes a month, a year, a couple of years. I start to trickle backwards through the steps and everyone wonders how did that happen, including me who's drunk.

So even though I'm moving through the steps, what am I doing to grow an understanding and effectiveness and and make sure that God's managing my life and what we have are sponsors to make sure we're doing that to hold us accountable.

Cunning, baffling and powerful and very patient. The book uses the terms a subtle foe. Subtle is sly Cleveland and devious and difficult to detect. I can't see my ears. You can. I can't see my illness. You can. And so I think I'm just moving along greatly,

not doing so good. On page 34 in the big book it says this.

Whether such a person can quit upon a non spiritual basis depends upon the extent to which we have already lost the power to choose whether I will drink or not.

So what that's telling me if I've lost the power to choose, which means I don't have choice and control. I need a spiritual way of living or else. And if I'm going to put the plug in a jugger I and survive on that, I'm probably not the person on page 21, the real alcoholic and I can use me to keep me sober. I can rely upon the fellowship to keep me sober. I don't really need to go to some of the many any lengths that some of us have to go and seek in this power call God. I don't drink, go to meetings, place over softball, I go to

bowling. I do all these wonderful things. I'm at all the parties, I'm at group anniversaries, I'm giving away chips and people think I'm something including me. But I don't need to do inventory.

But if I'm the guy on page 21, the real alcoholic who suffers from a lack of power choice control in a mind before I drink and a lack of power choice control in the body once I pick up a drink. Because once I pick up one, I want to,

and there's no way out of that. Step one tells me I'm drinking. It doesn't care. 43 pages tell me I am drinking regardless of length of time of sobriety. And even though life looks good on the outside, I'm still alcoholic and still broken and sick and I will trickle back to a drink. So what am I going to do?

The book uses the word says what's our choice to be? I think our book is being very kind when they say that in seeking this power, what choice? Drink and die or find God.

I think about some of the any lengths I went to to hustle up money for a drink,

somebody, Any lengths I went to when I was involved with dry goods, going into neighborhoods I didn't know, stealing, doing all sorts of illegal things. That's in any lens. If I'm capable of doing that, I'm capable of doing any lens in here. It's just I don't want to.

Do I worship my emotions? Do I worship feeling good

because we start to feel good in Alcohol Anonymous? I did. After I start to feel good, I like the effect produced by people liking me and feeling good, and I use that as my barometer for my spiritual condition. And I'm in for a rude awakening because at some point I go home and I'm all alone. How do I do I wrestle on my pillow at night?

So it's this forward journey backwards to this to our creator to get get to a place of purity, honesty, unselfishness and love. But but then I need to continue to grow and understanding and effectiveness.

Step one says we're powerless over alcohol. I don't have a choice. I hear lots of folks sometimes saying I have a choice on my drug of choice was there is no such thing. There's choice. If I still have choice, perhaps I'm not a real alcoholic.

I don't have power. Once I have one, I have two, and then I go on drunks with the firm resolution. I'm going to stop drinking tomorrow, but I'm going to have a drink to figure out how not to drink. I don't know if anyone identifies with this. You know when you're going to go out drinking? Wherever you going to go out drinking? What do you do before you go out drinking? Go liquor store and start drinking to go out drinking

and once I start I continue.

Doctors opinion talks about this phenomenon called craving, where for me as an alcoholic my craving was always intensified, never satisfied. And that means all other sprees I go on. There's no such thing as one for me.

And even with the powerful design of firm resolution never to drink again, I go back to drinking over and over and over again.

And it's until I start to experience that place of desperation and willing to do anything. One of the questions my all my sponsors have always asked me, are you willing to go to any lens or has any lens become my any lens rather than what the sponsor tells me? In fact, any lens is really none of my business. I just have to be in a spirit of willingness. And when a mustard seed of willingness, we can move a mountain. So how willing are we?

How willing am I? How willing am I now with 26 years sobriety? Do I think maybe I don't need to write inventory because things are pretty good right now?

Am I still willing to go to any lens? Do I seek, still seek this power with the desperation of a Johnny Matt

currently? How am I doing

so 43 pages drive us into a corner? They tell me over and over and over again that I'm going to drink regardless of my best intentions. And once I'm at that jumping off place, then what?

Well, they offer us, they point us to a solution in Step 2, that at some point I'm going to get to a place of sanity, wholeness of mind, truth and God, where I get this renewed mind through the death of self, a God mind. And I start to see what God's eyes, I start to hear what God's ears, hopefully the words I'm Speaking of God's words because by beingness has been changed from the inside out, who I be on the inside. This, this God starts manifest out there. And then we become, we bear witness and we wait at the door for the next one.

But there's some work to do to some requirements. The book requires me to do certain things, decision in three and four through 9. And at some point my book guarantees me I enter the world of the spirit, the awakenings happening. And that's about growing and understanding and effectiveness.

Thank you, Peter.

My name is Mickey. I'm an alcoholic.

Here we are in Queens.

Aren't we lucky?

Are we lucky? You know,

we could be doing anything with our Saturday. It's our Saturday, God give it to us. So we could be anywhere doing anything. But we've chosen to be here together in the fellowship of the Spirit to seek solution, right?

And

I know this is going to sound like I don't know,

but it's really great that they put numbers on the steps.

Do you know what I mean? All the actions are essential, but what they're trying to do is build us towards something that we can hang on to. One of the things I wanted, I wanted a spirituality

that I could stand on like this floor.

I told you last night, I was afraid that spirituality was fairy tales and, and what was happening to me was real and it was, it was eroding and corroding my life. And I wanted something that I could stand on and I could trust and I could hopefully move forward. I learned about the drinking part of alcoholism. I learned everything about alcoholism in here. I I just knew I was sick and I knew I was

face in the wrong direction. I was seated on the horse backwards and we were going 99 miles an hour.

And so to find out that this is a disease and that I have it

and that something can be done about it. Because here's the deal

I shared with you last night, what it was like for me to be in a satellite office of a hospital trying to seek help. And it's not that that woman didn't really mean to help me, She just didn't know what I had and I didn't know what I had. And I thought, and they kept using longer names. Have you ever noticed that? What's wrong with me? Well, you got to now you choke 3 weeks later and you know what I mean? And here's another pill

and and you know,

if you talk to my head, we are not going to get there

because as Don used to say, I'm rubber minded.

I can take any thought and I can twist it to my own hurt.

OK, so if you keep talking to my head, I'm not going to get anywhere and you're going to waste your time. But if you talk to my heart,

I will latch on even though it's wounded, even though it's hurt, my heart will reach out. So these guys that came in 12 Step Me in our home were talking about the one guy woke up in a jail in Tennessee accused of the murder of his wife and didn't know if he'd done it.

I didn't do that,

but there was something in his heart in my house that touched me. And while he was talking,

I kept praying. Please God give me alcoholism

because he said you can get well from alcoholism. And I was on a one way ticket and it was always getting worse.

You know, we have that joke in here. Did you hear that? And we all laugh and it's like this. I used to go into buildings and I could hear the alarm. The guy says you can't hear that. That's above where a dog can hear it. I'm man, I could hear it. I could hear things and and it was like really there, the alarm was really there. It was this high pitched deal and I was I was getting messages from Mars, man. I was Primo shape.

So when you find out that there's a disease that has all of these things and it's like Medusa,

you know that that Greek God is what the snakes. OK, It's like that. It's like I'm like schizophrenic. I'm like neurotic. I'm like psychotic. I'm like,

what do you bipolar I I got unlike all of that and and a doctor wants to treat all the heads. Do you see what I'm saying? And the more they try to treat the heads, the more they dull me to what I really have.

Leave me with my symptoms. Please leave me with my symptoms because they're going to drive me to God. Does that make any sense?

OK, so the first step is we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

The second step is we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity,

Einstein said. You cannot go to the same level of thinking that created the problem. To solve the problem,

you have to go above that to a higher level.

OK, so now I'm seeking a resource. I don't have to call it God.

I prefer in working with people that they don't go to quantum physics, and I've had that happen. And that means that this is a very smart person who is dying.

But I would submit, and we can certainly debate this in the breaks,

that quantum physics is not going to hear me at 3:00 in the morning when the woogies come.

Quantum physics is not going to reach in when I say please will you remove this corrosion in my spirit that's killing me? I need some kind of a force that can hear me

and equally importantly, talk to me.

I'll give you an example of my relationship with my higher power. I'm driving across this Damn

road, beautiful, you know, water on the other side and everything and years ago. And I'm saying, God, I really want to be an artist. I, you know, I want to be an artist, you know, and what's happening, what's going on here? I'm not an artist. And this is what I got back from this higher power in my ear. Mickey,

it would be helpful if you would buy some paints and brushes. Swear to God,

I thought there's a thought.

I'm serious. That literally happened to me. Go buy some paint and brushes. Which I did.

All right.

OK,

where am I? OK, I'm lost in the book

a chapter four. We agnostics

in the preceding chapters you have learned something of alcoholism.

We hope we have made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non alcoholic.

If when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking you have little control over the amount you take, you're probably alcoholic. I like it because it's not rocket science. If you can't control alcohol and it controls you, you're probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which

only

a spiritual experience will conquer. To one who feels that he is atheist or agnostic, such an experience seems impossible, but to continue as he is means disaster. Pardon me, especially if he's an alcoholic of the hopeless variety. And I'm thinking to myself, is there any other variety?

Somebody told me early on in sobriety that the Big Book is understatement.

OK, understated. It's understated. So when they throw in a word like hopeless, they're screaming at us. Hopeless

to be doomed. I love it here we are. To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face.

OK, OK.

Spirituality or death.

I don't know, you know, to write,

but it isn't so difficult. About half our original fellowship were of exactly that type. At first, some of us tried to avoid the issue, hoping against hope we were not true Alcoholics. I told you I tried to do the shake and fake and get out of here, because if it's like going to rely on God, I'm gone. But after a while, we had to face the fact that we must find a spiritual basis of life, or else perhaps it's going to be that way with you.

Here's a Here's one of my favorite phrases in the big book. But cheer up.

Something like half of us thought we were atheists or agnostics.

Our experience shows you need not be disconcerted.

If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago. But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral.

We could wish to be philosophically comforted. In fact, we could will these things with all our might. But the needed power wasn't there. Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient. They failed utterly.

Lack of power. That was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a power greater than ourselves, obviously. But where and how were we to find this power? Well, that's exactly what this book is about,

right? I was looking for power. I was looking for power in a bottle of alcohol

and it was very powerful.

It moved me.

It moved me. Now when you take that person and you bring them in here,

what am I looking for? When you use the word power. I'm looking to get drunk.

I didn't meditate for 30 years in this program

because I kept waiting to be blissed out when I meditated. I want angels

bare minimum to. What do you think

I'm getting nothing. I got monkey mind. It's jumping from branch to branch. I'm looking at the wiring schematic for our home. I'm, How can this

fix me?

Well, if I forget to say it later, the mere obedience of me sitting my rear end in that chair for 15 minutes the first thing in the morning and making myself available to God is the first fruits of my day is sufficient. Whatever happens inside of my mind, I'm trying to be obedient to the to the gifts that God has given me, Right. So we're going down this road and I looked at it and I thought

another thing with God. And of course,

isn't it interesting? I'm saying to myself, there is no God and then I'm cursing him. Well, that's another part, you know,

is that the God I had sent people like me to hell.

This is very difficult to go to that God and say, can you work out a plan for me that's going to keep me alive and make me happy?

So they said I could have any God I wanted and I am a very literal person. Any God I want, right?

So when I, I don't know if this isn't going to make any sense, but when I got sober,

all right, I was told that psychologists say I don't know how they would know this, but it's good for an illustration that a baby laying in a crib sees this and does not know that it's connected to this.

That is my whole life when I got here, I didn't know anything was connected to anything. I didn't know the world had like they call it The Big Bang theory. That was like all of life to me just went out like that

and I didn't know any connection. So I said, I wrote down on a piece of paper. I want a God

who understands and help me understand the connection between things, between me and you, between going to work and getting money, between love and my wife and staying home,

loving my daughter and being around, between doing the work and getting well. It wasn't like this God with a Mercedes-Benz. It was like I need help at a basic level. And it took a long time for me to understand. Marie is to have long hair and I used to braid her hair and I loved braid and I loved looking at braids. Why? Because it's all connected.

That is the most esoteric nonsense anybody ever threw out in a meeting, but that's the way it was.

It was difficult being me

and and I was afraid. I was afraid that that God that was going to send me to hell was going to show up again.

So that's where I started on this trip. I want to see if I have any. It says in here on page 46. Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider anothers conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to affect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a creative intelligence,

a spirit of the universe underlying the totality of things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction,

provided we took other simple steps. We found that God does not make 2 hard terms with those who seek Him.

To us, the realm of the Spirit is broad, roomy, all inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men.

So when therefore we speak to you of God, we mean your own conception of God.

So I was sitting with Bob Oh, on the front steps of 1311 York Street. And I was, I was pretty much about six months sober and I'd been trying to do this thing. And we were 12 stepping this guy. And, you know, I was giving myself goosebumps. I was good, you know,

And he got up, and then Bob and I sat there for a while and discussed the relative merits of suicide.

And this guy walked by and I realized something surfaced. I was six months sober, and this thing surfaced in my head like a loaded gun, and I didn't realize I'd been carrying it for six months. And here's what surfaced, Mickey. This time it will be different

and it scared me and this guy walked by and I was really afraid of him. He was a giant, this guy.

And he walked by, and he lived right next door. And I said, can I talk to you? And he said, yeah, We went next door to his apartment, and he took me through the first three steps. And so he asked me the questions about the first step, and I answered in the affirmative. All of the things that he said. He said, Mickey, do you believe that there's a power greater than you? And I knew this was a program of rigorous honesty, so I said, no, I do not.

And and he said, and he knew his book. And he said, Mickey, are you willing to believe that there's a power greater than yourself?

And I said, no, I am not.

And he said, Mickey, are you willing to pretend that there may be a power greater than you? I said yes. He said, that's Step 2. Let's move on. You're up.

Nice huh?

For me the the most powerful line of book and I speak for myself is on page 45 where it says lack of power was our dilemma. And that sums up everything for me. And I was shown how I reverse that, which means with power no dilemma. Well where do I find this power? And my chapter 4 tells me where, how, and even why to find the power greater than myself

deep down within, lay aside prejudice. And when I see it working for you, you bear witnessing for me. I have no choice but to to latch on to what you're doing. And it illustrates some stories with that. If I go back to page 24 for a moment, this is what I look like. This is what I look like when I'm the power and I'm running the show trying to stay away from a drink. It says at a certain point in the drinking of every alky we pass into the state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail.

Then it says, the fact is that most Alky's, for reason jet obscure, have lost the power of choice and drink. My so-called willpower becomes practically non existent.

I'm unable at certain times to bring into consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. I'm without defense against the first drink. When I skip down to the bottom of the page, it says when this sort of thinking is fully established in someone like me, I place myself beyond human aid, which means no human power could leave me on my alcoholism. And in that human power, I put the job, I put the money, I put property,

I put anything other than God. Anything I put before God, I lose anyway.

This is the stark and ugly facts have been confirmed by legions of alkies throughout history. But for the grace of God, there have would have been thousands more convincing demonstrations. And when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm staying sober. I'm not doing much, but I'm staying sober on grace, which is God's gift for being

His one of his children. But there's a big difference between getting grace and experience in that power which gives me grace,

and that's what the steps allows us to do, is experience that power of oneness with that power. And I get to look as I'm going through the steps, my effort to live life on self will. That's how I live. It's a state of consciousness and what I'm living and the external world owns me

and I fall prey to misery, to everyone's, how everyone's doing today, how my job is doing, all our external conditions, my feelings, my emotions, all of it. When a book says we're rocketed into this 4th dimension of existence, I'm going past the obsessions, compulsions and my emotions which dominated me, the external world.

So I need power to get past that. I need power to stay sober because on me, on my own power, I can. I fell miserably at anything in life for that matter.

Sometimes we're not even aware of our conscious contact and constant contact with God and Marion call me on it. I I wasn't realizing I was doing it. I don't say this to separate myself. It's just where I've been made. So I'm getting dressed to go to a meeting and she hears me saying, OK, God, what are we going to wear tonight?

OK, God, what should I do now? I'm just, you know, just you. I'm talking to myself and but there's a dialogue and as I'm, you know, I don't really realize I'm saying, but I, I'm what do I wear tonight? I get in the Congo to me. OK, God, let's go nice and easy. Let's get to our meeting. And before I get out of the call, out of us drive up to the meeting, bulk out of the car running to me. We walk in and we're home.

Cut off 30 people on the way. Curse people on 95 down South gossiping in the car. Jump out of the car running to me as soon as you walk in your tranquil

and I have a thing before I get out of a car, I sit and I do prayer even for regular meeting or when I'm asked to do this. And so managers, do you hear yourself talking? I don't know what she meant. It's a constant and conscious contact with God because that is the power. And when I lack that power, I start to run the show and then I start to hurt people.

So my book says here that such it talks about codes and philosophies. Now those things in need, the good know bad reading self help books, going to a therapist, seeking out some family counseling,

a positive affirmations, all nice things. They're all good to have. Going to the gym to take care of my body. I'm going to turn over a new leaf. I turned over leaves every 10 minutes to I'm going to start tomorrow. All good things are all nice to do, but the needed power to sustain that is lacking. So I'll go to the gym for a couple of weeks. Maybe I'll pull out of not drinking for a couple of weeks. Maybe I'll start reading some help self help books or some religious books. And then I'm right back again because my main problem sent this in,

not the body.

The body is a reaction to what the mind tells it. The battery in a sense is a slave to the mind. My mind tells me to cheat on the wife. My mind tells me to cheat on my taxes. My mind tells me you must drink. And so I drink. I don't know if you guys could identify with this. You get out of a treatment center or or or you're sober for a while and your body doesn't need alcohol.

You pass a breathalyzer, you pass a UA test, you're clean and sober. Your body does not need the substance. But we're not spiritually fit, and we start to erode and we start to go sideways. And then I start thinking about a drink, and I start romanticizing a drink. And at some point, even though my body doesn't physically need a drink, I feel like my body needs a drink.

I spoken to lots of dope friends about this who are off heroin for a long time,

and then they start to think about it and think about and they feel like they're dope sick.

Now the body doesn't need it, but that's the power of the mind. It is my predator. It is my enemy. It's my lack of my inability to see the truth in all areas of my life. Lack of power is my dilemma. So my chapter to Agnostics is going to bring me to this power. It's going to deliver it for me. It's going to show me what insanity is, repeating the same thing over expecting different results. And it doesn't happen when I'm in the middle of a spree.

It happens prior to the spray

where I buy the lie. And the truth will always find me. The truth will always find us. Even when I was out there drinking in 1988, the truth found me. And it sometimes when the truth finds us, it isn't always pleasant. It's incredibly uncomfortable.

It's the awakening, it's the shift. And at that point, whether we're drunk and coming into a A or we bottom out in here, we're listening to a different voice. There's something different happening. And when we're hearing that voice, we're completely as I was out of my mind. It happened to me June 23rd, 1988, and it has happened to me many times in a A where I'm completely out of my mind and I'm hearing a different voice. And being out of our mind is a wonderful thing. I hope everyone is

out of their mind and loses it forever because it's where the problems lie with the people. Sam up in my head. It's really insane. Thoughts are manufactured for free. Willing to give it away,

right?

But I returned to it because our book talks about we worship our intellect. Well, it's me who's thinking of it. It must be right?