The Fellowship of the Spirit in Bayside, Queens, NY

Welcome back. I, I just want to read one paragraph in here. You know it, it seems like it seems like every action step has a series of promises after it. And you can look at the promises as as a reward, or you can look at the promises as a benchmarks like have, have these promises come true in your life. And if you're real honest with it, you're, you're going to probably say yes, if you've done a real good job with that particular step,

you say no, then there's probably some work that got missed. There's probably some things that that you could go back and maybe be a little bit more thorough on. So the, the promises are, are, are are great in that, you know, they're, they're showing us what is going to happen by by doing this work, but they also show us, they also show us that we might have missed something if they don't actually come true in our lives.

Basically says here, if we've been thorough about our personal inventory, we've written down a lot,

we have listed and analyzed our resentments. We've begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. Truly, truly these resentments, what they do is they is they SAP the quality out of our lives. You know, you get to, you get to the end of end of your life and you've been mad at everybody. You've, you've practically wasted your life because because resentment is just corrosive. It just, it corrodes your ability to

enjoy this life. We've commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and goodwill toward all men, even our enemies. For we look upon them as sick people. We've listed the people we have hurt by our conduct. And we are willing to straighten out the past if we can. And, you know, with a, with a true perspective on, on our behavior,

I think that, you know, as Alcoholics, as, as spiritual people,

we do want to straighten out the past. We do want to be different people. We've, we've wanted that for a long time. We're, we're, we're the perfect example of the person who wants to be better, but continues to make the same mistakes over and over again. That's, that's, that's So what, what alcoholism is.

So, you know, we've done, we've done an inventory, we've, we've compiled this whole thing. Now it's time now it's time to to share it with somebody. Now it's time to to pick somebody that's going to hear this. You know, when this book was written, there was really only two groups of drunks in the in the Oxford group at that period of time. A third group was about to start in Cleveland and there was some splinter groups around New Jersey. But,

but they really expected this book to be published and to be sent out around the country to be made available to Alcoholics who are still drinking, that the alcoholic will be able to read this book and boom, they're going to they're going to go, OK, I'm convinced I'll do what's in here and I'll get sober. That's not exactly what happened. They found, they found that they found that this book kind of needs to be taught.

There were some examples of people who had been exposed to this book who were able to get sober

just by reading the book and doing what it said, but that's that was rare. Mainly they found that this spreads by word of mouth that spreads by 1 drunk talking to another drunk, one drunk taking another drunk through through the steps, you know so, so they'll tell you to look for a closed mouth understanding friend or whatever. In this day and age, you can't shake a stick without

hitting an experienced alcoholic. Who can, who can, Who understands what needs to be done,

who knows that they need to keep a confidence and, and will encourage you to do this. So it's not hard to find somebody anymore that can, that can hear, hear your fist step. But it's very, very important to share it. Some of my experience with, with this step, The very first time I did a fifth step, I, I, I shared just a little bit about it earlier. I did it with my first sponsor and at the end he basically said this isn't so bad.

And then he turned to me and he said something that's always stuck with me. He said, Chris, you know, I believe that you were an alcoholic before you started drinking. And today I believe the same thing. I do not believe anymore than I'm an alcoholic because I drank too much. I believe I drank too much because I'm an alcoholic

and those are two different things. I was an alcoholic waiting to happen. You know, it's genetic, it's it's psycho spiritual, whatever it is, you know, I was an alcoholic waiting to happen. And here's and this is what my sponsor said to me after I did my fist stuff. He goes, he goes, Chris, I believe that you were an alcoholic before you started drinking it. And, and what that means is is that you're in a you're like an emotional campfire that's burnt down and all you can see is like the red coals are still are smoldering. And when you

drinking alcohol, it was like throwing gasoline on that. And you, you flared up and you burnt everybody around you, including yourself, you know, and, and now, now what you're doing is you're making a real serious effort to work these steps of recovery and you're taking responsibility for your life and you're making a real attempt to get better. And you should lighten up on yourself,

you know, because, because when I, here's how I was reading my inventory, you know, I, I, I resent my mother,

you know, I was like, you know, I, I felt like such, such a scumbag, you know,

and I mean, you know, I couldn't look in the eye. I had a lack of self esteem out of gigantic ego, but I had a lack of self esteem and I was just messed up. And So what he was saying was my alcoholism was not my fault. Okay, yeah, I took the drink and I caused a lot of problems, but being an alcoholic was not my fault. Now I've experienced all the problems inventorying all the problems, but now I'm taking responsibility. I'm starting to take

responsibility for this stuff and I'm going to take action to try to try to become, become a more spiritual and and less, less problematic individual, you know, So lighten up on yourself, he said. Now, now that always stuck with me because because it was that moment in time that I started to believe that maybe I'm not such a scumbag mate. You know,

maybe, maybe now I'm at least starting to take responsibility for this stuff and moving forward.

And it was a shift like the moment I got the moment he said that after the 5th step, you know, I changed, I changed and my, my perception of myself changed. Now I've done many, many fist steps since then. And each time it's a centering exercise, It's a, it's a, it's a taking account of the stock and trade exercise. And you know, what it's doing is it's, it's, it's placing me right where I need to be.

The Alcoholics, one of the Alcoholics main problems is an inability to accurately assess, you know, your own problem. You know, where you are in life. There's just something about alcoholism that doesn't allow you to understand how much trouble you're in. And this inventory process, you know, cuts that away and gets us down to the truth about basically about our, our stock and trade, You know, what's what's going on with us. I think once we start to become honest with what is

going on in our lives, all of a sudden, you know, we open the windows to this really dark room and the sunshine starts to come in and it's, it's the beginning of real serious healing. And as we move through our life, listen, we're not perfect people. And I'm grateful for that. I don't like perfect people. You ever meet somebody that's like perfect? You want to get away from them as fast as you can. I want to hang out with the maniacs. You know,

you don't, you know what I'm saying?

It's not, it's not necessarily about, about, about getting perfect. It's about identifying, it's about identifying room for improvement. You know, and, and as, as I continue to practice this, the, the principal, the spiritual exercise of step four and the spiritual exercise of step five, what that does is it renews my perspective and I get a more accurate perspective on, on what's, what's real in my life and what I need to pay attention to and what needs to be important to me.

And I need that centering because I can get, I can get way off track. I get way off track. There's, there's something that that kind of keeps us from being able to stay on track without this exercise. So it's, you know, I found it incredibly, incredibly beneficial. And I try to do a fist up with a different person. I don't go back to the same sponsor every time because I like different feedback. I, you know, I'll go to somebody over here, I'll go to somebody over there. I'll do

footstep, you know, I'm going after different experiences and different feedback because it's about spiritual growth. And if you keep doing the exact same thing that you you did before, you know, you'll get what you got before. But sometimes it's about it's about broadening your perspective. So that's, that's kind of my experience with this. So I kind of loaded the shotgun earlier, but I kind of want to pull the trigger on it because I think that

in terms of looking at inventory and 5th step process and looking at, you know, 6789, I think I think that as an alcoholic, I like to skim the surface, you know, in the in the 60 on on 64, sorry, 6064 when it talks about the actor and he says that we take, you know, most responsibility, but we think that others are more to blame.

Yeah. You ever like write an inventory, right. And you're like, you know, yeah, I was selfish because I wanted him to change.

I was trying to fix him. I was dishonest because I was delusional. I thought I was God. I thought how he should be. I was fearful that I was going to get hurt, fearful of not having control, fearful of this and fearful of that. But we missed, like, the real meat of the resentment, the real meat, the the real truth. The real truth is that, you know, I have a delusion. My delusion is that, you know, I think I know who I should be. My delusion is. I think I know how you should be. My delusion is that you need to change for me to be OK and to be centered in the world. My delusion is

minimize God part of the, the, There's two things that we get from the 4th and the 5th step.

One, we get an A step list, right? Because we take the what's on our four step and we make a list, We take those people off our four step and we make an A step list for that, right? We also have the nature of our events because that's our 4th column, right? But there's another thing that we get, there's a surrender that occurs in the 4th and the 5th step that can only occur in the fourth nerve 5th step. You know, step one, you know, we surrender to booze

and Step 2, you know, I'm surrendering to this process and I'm saying, OK, there is a solution.

Step three, I go about getting that solution, but it's step four and five when I get to see the details, the minutia of my problem,

the delusions that I carried around, the concepts that were killing me, the thought processes, which were the very things that were blocking me off from the sunlight of the spirit. So there's that surrender that occurs in the fourth and a fifth step. And truly, I looked at myself, pen paper and I looked and I saw the truth about who I was, what Kerry really did. Because no, I don't, you know, I don't do something schmucky and say, well, you know, I did it because I was planning on being a jerk today.

I do it. I wrap it up in those in that spiritual make believe. And I say, well, you know, I, I told her off because she needed to know where she was at, because she needed to grow spiritually and you know, she needed to know the truth about herself. So I I decided it was going me who was going to sit and tell her. Ever do that? You ever like rationalize being mean to somebody because they just pissed you off and you wanted to cut them down just a little bit and you use the 12 steps of the program and accountability to justify your behavior? Ever do that?

I have,

you know, so part of what I'm doing in this process is I'm surrendering. I have a deeper surrender because now I have the truth about the stock in trade. I looked at the great defects and the small defects of my character. I've begun to see that the things, the labels that I put on things, the concepts, the beliefs that I created. I the, you know, there's, there's definitely there's this process of going through the work and writing a four step and it's the theater

people have been doing it for a really long time and it's a really great thing. You know, the extended third column where you write out how these areas were affected, right. And I'll tell you what, there's this website it's called just love audio. And whenever I do big book workshops, I always pimp this website because it has every single kind of like four step format you could possibly imagine. Like I kind of go in there and I'm like, oh, I'm going to do this exercise today. You know, for me, I like, I kind of rediscover stuff that I've known or things that I've done 10/15 years ago. So if you want to go on there and find

way of writing a four step, there's awesome things on there. So check it out. But there's this extended third column and I never really understood like I've written the theater of the Y inventory, I've written extended third columns, I've written all that stuff and I kind of didn't get it for a really long time until I was sitting down, I was doing a fifth step, I was doing a multiple fist up because like that's also something I always do. At this point I don't even bring inventory to one person anymore.

I usually when I have inventory, there's two or three people sitting with me.

That's just me. I like to do multiple footsteps. I find it to be incredibly useful. In fact, I do multiple 12 steps for that matter. When I got a drunk, I get 3-4 people. We're all going to sit down and pepper them

and having a, you know, help bring them through their first step. And when I have inventory, I'll often bring in one or two of my sponsors and a handful of friends and a sponsor and we're all sitting down and they're listening to my inventory. I mean, for me, like sitting down one-on-one and anymore is kind of boring. So I like to have, I like to have that dynamic, that group dynamic and doing a fist up. I find it to be incredibly useful.

But when I was when I when I started to when I was writing this extended third column, the theater of the lie, I was like, OK, you know, yes, Carrie Zena and Carrie's this and Carrie's miss a A Carrie's mom carries. I ain't, you know, yeah. These are my characters on this play, on this stage and,

you know, in this 60 to 64, which is why my sponsor had me read that every day to see the character that I was playing to get the result that I wanted to have because I was playing God, because I was demanding how you should behave and what I should get out of any given situation. OK. But what I didn't realize is, you know, when it when the book talks about it says human powers failed us, right? It's just that, you know, we had to find something more than a human power. Well, let's look at the things in the third column, right? We have

we have self esteem,

right? Isn't self esteem the need to feel good about myself? Don't I use human powers like, you know, being a I'm a female. I'm, you know, I'm 37 years old. I look like I'm 30. I'm spelt right. So I use being an attractive woman as a way to feel good about myself, don't I?

I use my intelligence, you know, I graduated summa. I was a high school dropout, graduated summa. You know, I use my intelligence as a way to feel good about myself. Self esteem. I'm using things outside of me, fixed points outside of me to make myself feel better, right? So what happens when I get old? What happens when I get fat?

What happens when when when somebody doesn't like my brand of pretty? I'm nothing, aren't I? Because I'm using a human power to give me what I should be going to God for

my security. I need you to like me, validate me, or love me to feel safe with myself. Because I can't be safe with myself unless people value me.

Ambitions. I need you to give me what I want. What I want is for you to, well, always like me, to have money, to have approval, to have acceptance, to, to be successful. And if you stand in the way of the things that I want for myself, if you interfere with those, I become fearful, don't I?

My personal relationships, Well, my personal relationship should always go my way and you should always do what I want. And you should never make me feel bad about myself, right? Sex relationships triple that

pride. I should always look good to those around me, and you should always think good things about me. And you should never say or do anything that might make me look bad. Because what's going on with this whole thing is that there's a lack of sense of self. There's a lack of carry, there's a lack of experience that there is a God. There's a God's carry that exists independently of you

and each one of us. There is an there is a kernel of God. It exists within each one of us that is untouched by the outside world, untouched by anything that goes on out here and exists within us.

When I'm in this place of fear, when I'm her threatener interfered with right, I get resentful. But I'm resentful because I'm afraid, because fear is ruling me. Fear is like a bowl of fish hooks. If I put my hand in, I can't pull up just one. That's why fear is so powerful if the evil and corrosive thread. Because when I'm afraid of not being loved, I'm also afraid of being rejected. Let's quickly run this down. You don't love me, what happens? Well, if I'm not loved, I'm not good enough, right? There's something wrong with me.

If I'm not good enough, other people are going to see it. They're going to reject me. If people reject me, I'm going to be alone. If I'm alone, I'm worthless because there's nobody to tell me I'm OK. If I'm not OK and I'm worthless, I'm unfixable because I'm not going to God. I'm going to you to fix me. I'm going to you to give me all the things that I should be going to a higher power for, going to human power. If there's no human power to fix me because I'm unfixable and I'm worthless and I'm alone, then I'm outside of God's grace, aren't I?

Because I'm not going to God with a big G, I'm going to God with a little G. I'm going to God in human power,

God in human form.

So I'm outside of God's grace. What happens when I'm outside of God's grace? I drink. I die in alcoholic death. Even worse, I die a spiritual death. Fear is so powerful because they're all connected. I can't have a fear of not being loved, a fear of not being good enough, a fear of of being alone without having a fear of rejection, without having a fear of worthlessness, without having a fear of death, without having a fear of dying.

There are domino effect. So we have these core fears that operate in our lives that are connected to the things in our third column that I couldn't see for the longest time

because I couldn't see how human power was replacing God's power. I talked about God and I acted as if I worshipped you.

I said spiritual things, but my actions, my feet said that I relied on human power. So when we're doing this 4th and 5th step, when we're having this process and we're writing out the very pitiful and pathetic things that we think that I think, you know, and they're not pretty. My 4th column isn't, you know, Carrie's dandy. My 4th column is usually carries a pathetic.

Pitiful asshole who walks around and thinks the world owes her. That's when my 4th column usually looks like. I mean, not to, I'm, I'm not trying to be snarky, but that's the truth

is I think everybody should just give me a fucking cookie and pat me on the head.

But that's not the world. That's an unrealistic expectation. So part of this process is to wake up, to wake up and become aware of these thought processes that own me. Because if I'm not aware of them, I don't know what I'm offering to God. I don't know what I'm asking God to fix. I don't know what I'm bringing out into the world. I'm bringing these these bags full of garbage everywhere that I go and they reek and they smell and they dribble

nasty water everywhere.

But I don't know the contents of my garbage bags and I don't know why people are repelled by them. Because I'm not looking at what I'm carrying with me. I'm carrying this broken spirit everywhere I go. And I wonder why there's discord, why there's disharmony, why, why there's lack of understanding. Because I'm expecting you to speak my language rather than learning yours. I'm making demands on the universe, saying the universe should change to make it comfortable for me rather than me trying to understand the

of the universe and change my perspectives to work more fluently within your world.

And very simple. There's actually a movie called Stuart Saves His Family, and we ever see it. He says that there's this one line. It bowled me over. He said that. He said that I wanted to carpet the world instead of wearing slippers.

I want to change the entire world so I'm comfortable rather than modify. Something very simple is wear a pair of slippers and change my point of view so that I can be more successful and effective in my relationships and in my world. How awesome is that?

So this process is is about a truth seeking process. It's about seeing the real truth about who I am. I'm not supposed to finish 1/4 and 1/5 that there's two things that happen. I finished a fourth step and I'm really am supposed to feel like a piece of shit because if I think that what I do is valuable, I'm never going to change it.

If I think there's value in what I'm doing, value in the way that I believe, value in the my actions and my conduct. If I think that there's there's something I can be getting out of it, there's never going to be a willingness to let it go.

Says I look for the broken and unsalable goods and I get rid of them promptly without regret. So I have to see the truth of that. And I'm supposed to not feel good about that. And the 5th step is that cleansing process where I share this stuff. You know, it is yes, a lot about the the take it to the grave and tell the things that you don't want to say in the icky, icky, icky stuff. You know, like I'll give you a perfect example, something that I struggled with for years. I didn't want to tell in a fist up when I was in,

I found out that that I I discovered that there was like this place called like Lord of the flies where kids got to do whatever they wanted, which was like, you know, group homes and stuff, because I was like in rehab with a bunch of kids from like group homes and I was like, wow, you mean I can get out of my like religious dominating family and like, you know, like, you know, totally hang out with only kids and have very little supervision. Totally cool. So I'm going to make up an abuse allegation and tell the nurses and my rehab so they could so the

remove me from my home. I swear to God, this was my bright idea. So I made-up this abuse allegation. They investigated and of course my parents are wonderful people. So they were like, yeah, this isn't true, but it was something that really shamed me. I Can you believe that like I was that that bad of a kid or that that selfish and self-centered that I would like totally annihilate my parents and my family because I wanted to be able to drink without people bothering me. So I thought having Child Protective Services remove me from my parents home would allow me to drink in the way that

wanted to drink.

That's I thought nothing of like, you know, making up allegations against my parents to do that. That amend was a very interesting amend, by the way. But my point is, is I had all of this stuff. So part of it is telling the take it to the grave, the shameful things. Part of it is seeing the truth about what I really think the truth about who I am and not to put pretty label is and cute labels on things. I was sarcastic. I used to say think it was cute. I was mean.

I would say mean things to you and I would dress it up with a smile and I would think that I was adorable and witty. It's not witty. It's called being a bitch.

My job as God's child is to one. Sometimes it is to tell you the truth that's uncomfortable and say the very thing that's going to break you down. Because my job is not only to help break you down, but build you back up. And if I'm breaking you down for the pure, pure pleasure of breaking you down, I'm being a bitch. If I'm telling you a truth that might move you closer to God and help you to let go so that you can grow and I'm willing to provide you with a way to build you back up, then I'm being God's tool. And that's the real question is when am I being a bitch and when am I being God's

one? Is my ego engaged in this? And what is this about me being of service to God? See, these are things that I needed to look at in the inventory because after writing the first gross inventory or handful of gross inventories of the stuff that I did was when I was drinking, I need to look at what I'm doing in sobriety. Who am I in Alcoholics Anonymous? How am I practicing practicing these principles after 15 years? How am I practicing these principles after 20 years?

Who am I really to? My family. Ask my kids whether I'm a good person and they tell. They will tell you I am.

Ask my husband if I'm a good person, he will tell you I am. Am IA good person honey? My best friends? Am I? Am I good

as the people closest to me?

You know, don't look at what I do out in the world, because out in the world is about me putting on a show. Ask the people who see me on a daily basis who saw me put on three dresses yesterday because you know, I didn't want to look fat.

You know, the ask those people how I'm really doing in my life. How are these principles? And those are the people I do my fist up with. Not my husband if I ever resentment with him. But those are the people who hear my inventories. Those are the people who hear my 10 steps. I'm not telling people who are outside of me. I'm sharing who I am with the very people that I live with because those are the people who are in my life. Those are the people who need to see who Carrie really is.

I need to see who I am. They need to see who I am and the capital, the truth with the capital T of this entire process is defined that I am a child of God.

I have not. There is nothing I haven't heard in inventory. There's an old saying it says that you know, there are two types of fist that people have sex with animals and people who don't. I've heard the fist steps where people have had sex with animals. I am not kidding. You know, there's a guy out there who like, you know, parent. I don't know. I don't really know. He's never heard my inventory, but for some reason he thinks that I'm a freak. So anytime he comes a woman, he comes across a woman with some bizarre inventory. He's like, I got the girl for you and they call me up. I'm like so and so told me to talk to you because you know my dog like ate

put her out of my coochie and I'm thinking to myself like what do they really think? Like what is this person saying to them? By the way, I got this girl to hear your fistap because she has done everything.

But no, actually, that literally happened. I'm not kidding, but but it is funny. But think about that for a minute. We're all God's children. There is nothing any of us haven't thought or done. I might. I might not have done it, but I've certainly thought it.

There's nothing that I'm going to hear in an inventory that I haven't heard before. What amazes me is how common

these concepts, these behaviors, these ideas are amongst us and how much we really do believe that we are the exception to the rule. How much we really do believe that it, you know, I have that that four step. That's that special magical force that is the suck is four step and the suckiest inventory. And I am the worst alcoholic there ever was.

And then we sit down. What I love and that's part of why the the multiple fish step is a really cool thing. Because what I'll do is I'll take somebody who's been sober like 10-15 years, 20 years. I'll take somebody who's just been through the work for the first time and they're on amends and I'll sit these people down and we'll hear inventory together. So the person who's hearing their first fist up is sitting there hearing a fist up with somebody who's heard their 37,000, you know, fist up and they're listening to it and they're going, you do that too in the middle of the fifth step.

And it's awesome. I'm not going to share this real quick. I did at about seven years sober, I did this multiple fist up. I had written like this, this like massive magnum opus of an inventory because like I was trying to write myself into like, you know, some sort of sainthood. You ever do that to, You ever write inventory so much that you're like trying to write yourself into like, you know, the Franciscan, you know?

Yeah, I'm going to start like, you know, wearing a hair shirt and walking around with a golden bowl.

You know, like, somehow, like, if I write the perfect inventory, I'll get like, that magic thing and I'll stop being a jerk. But that doesn't work. By the way, you know, a good friend of mine used to say, stop trying to hump your character defects into submission through inventory.

So anyway, so I wrote this magnum opus of an inventory right where I thought that I was going to find that that magic thing that was going to fix me so I would stop being a jerk. That's called lack of humility, by the way, You know, so I wrote this inventory and I brought it and I was like, so who do I fist up it with? And I was given the suggestion was given to me to pick four of my sponsees who had been through and were on 9 and living in 1011 and 12 and have them listen to it. But the instruction was that they needed to have less than two years.

So I get these girls together for them. We get together at a diner and I start reading my inventory to them. And of course they're like primed because like I had been torturing them now for like 2 years, right? I've been like sitting there like with their nightly review and their ten steps. And I had heard their inventories. I heard their fifth steps. So like I had like ripped these women like, you know, like, like what we do a little bit to shreds just a tiny bit, right? You know, in, in that loving sponsorship way we do like we asked some questions like, you know,

where's God in that? You know, that that way, that sponsorship questioning where you're like, just look at him and say

it's where's God in that? And then they stare at you blankly and go, yeah, I guess I better go pray. You know. So I had been doing this to these women for like, you know, two years. And so like, they're sitting to say they're like excited, man. I guess they, they like, you know, that myself Centeredness said that they like sat around in the parking lot like 10 minutes before I showed up and like plotted

what they were gonna do to me. Like they had been taking, taking a list of all my character defects and all the things that they've seen me do that they didn't get a chance to call me on, right. So they were like, they had like sharpen their knives.

And so I did this first step and the whole time, right? I just wanted to say when you're 7 years over, you're gonna be this fucked up dude. But I did this first step and I and they tore into me and I just sat there. And of course, you know, I have to sit there. And you say, is it true? Yeah, it is.

Yeah,

Yep. Uh-huh. Oh, shit, I didn't see that. Oh fuck, man. I'm really not. Well,

so I had this experience and, and so like so I the diner that I did this at was like about 45 minutes from my house and I'm driving home. It's 3:00 in the morning. I'm like, I'm like punch drunk, crazy, caffeinated and twitching.

I come home and I'm like, how am I gonna take like my quiet hour? Like I'm like freaking psychotic in the corner, right? So I get really quiet and I, and I light all these candles and I just, I just pray and I'm like, God, I just, you know, I need to take this quiet hour. I need to do this. And I, and I sit down because the only time the book ever tells us to stop working is during this quiet hour in which we go over our inventory. We think about our first step, We ask ourselves about the steps that we've done previously. We, we, we go into this, this place where we get, you know, because the 5th step isn't always about your sponsor,

about God. And we leave that out sometimes when we're doing a fist step, it's, you know, because that person is sitting there in front of us and they're the one who's talking to us, the person who's hearing our inventory. That's the dynamic. And we're leaving God out of it sometimes because I'm more focused on that interaction than I am with this broad spiritual principle of this step. You know, so it was suggested to me to read my inventory aloud to to God after I do a fist step.

So I'm doing this and I'm taking my quiet hour and I had this profound spiritual experience where I just put pen to paper

and I start writing and I'm writing and I'm writing and all of a sudden just this stuff is pouring out of me. And I had this white light spiritual experience where like my life, there is a that there are a couple points in my life. Giving birth to my four children, being one of them, getting married, being another, putting down alcohol on September, on September 6th, 1994. And this moment

where I was a different person. I had this moment. Something happened. I cannot describe it. I do not know, but I have never been the same Carrie again

and that experience carried me for so many years. I mean, it was an incredible thing and I cannot tell you what happened. I just know that something opened up.

I'm seven years sober. I've been doing inventory for years, I've been sponsoring for years. I'm doing big book workshops. I'm doing all of these things and I have this profound white light spiritual experience.

They happen. I've been waiting for it for years, and when I stopped asking God for it, it happened.

So the 5th step is an incredibly crucial thing. It is about seeing the truth. It is about looking at yourself. It is about not liking what you see. Because if you like what you see, you will continue to think that you were God.

It's about recognizing where I and in God begins.

It's about defining those boundaries

and what I mean by the eye, I mean the concept of the mind, not I as a spiritual being. There is an I that is a spiritual being that is an infinite part of God. And then there is the eye that is attached to the ego that believes that it is God and creates reality in its own perspective.

And what I need to do is recognize when the ego eye is dictating reality. When I'm arguing with reality, I have anxiety. Anxiety is simply arguing with what is. There is no point to it. It is

when I'm run by fear. I'm arguing with reality.

So for me, it's about seeing these things. And then of course, you know that looking at my conduct and looking at how these fears, these beliefs, these concepts have impacted other people. Because I only look at how things affect me and how I feel because I'm selfish and self-centered. When I stop to look at the ripple effect that happens when I take a specific certain action and how that affects those around me. How I rob the security. How I rob the safety of other people.

How my tongue can lash people,

how I play God, how my belief systems, I impose them on other people. And I say that I'm helping you. What? I'm really trying to control you. You ever do that?

So this is all part of this process and it's a deeper surrender. We surrender with alcohol and then we surrender with our spirit. And that surrender with our spirit occurs in the 4th and the 5th step. Because I I begin to understand the idea that my ideas do not work in the God idea does

and ABC in black and white and I'll finish this up. I'm a believer in the book. I'm a fundamentalist. If I I am such a fundamentalist big book thumper. It is pathetic.

So I know I'm preaching to the choir with that. So here's the thing. Pen to paper,

pen to paper inventory does not occur in our head.

When you tell me you thought about your 4th column, I tell you you thought about bullshit.

You're in your second column because clarity and freedom occurs when I put pen to paper.

I'm also one of those people, and I believe in aversion therapy. Write it out, don't type it up. I type all day long. I can type for hours, right? I'm a selfish, self-centred asshole. 37 times till my hand wants to fall off. Guess what? You'll stop doing it.

It's this amazing thing you ever write a four step to your hand cramps. I have an I'm in the middle of writing inventory. By the way, I have an indent in my middle finger. I'm not giving you guys a bird. I'm saying seriously, I write into my hand cramps, right. I'm selfish and self-centered by hand in your 4th column until your hand cramps and guess what it's this amazing thing that experience of writing that over and over again and feeling the physical discomfort of feeling the achiness of writing that and feeling how you feel thinking about what you did, feeling all that shit. It really helps that whole

go these ideas. It is part of that process. So I'm an old fashioned gala. I like a notebook and a pen.

I've actually given direction to espancees who have like, you know, they're like the first four step. They're like, I'm going to write in Excel. And I said, well, then you're going to get another sponsor. I want you to write this out. I want you to feel the discomfort of it because if I don't feel uncomfortable, I'm never, never, never, never going to let go of these things. I need to learn how to learn how to be uncomfortable with God. I need to face pain. Alcoholics have a fear of pain. We have a fear of discomfort. We have that magical thinking. If I take a pill, if I put something in my body, I can change.

I feel and I'll be, I'll be OK.

I do that very same thing in recovery.

I want to avoid feeling uncomfortable. I want to avoid looking bad. I want to avoid being humbled. This is a humbling process. I need to be humbled, humble. Being humble is not about being humiliated. Being humbled is about being right sized in God's universe.

There is nothing wrong with humility,