Step 12 at the 10th Fellowship of the Spirit, NY at the Graymoor Spiritual Retreat Center in Garrison, NY

My name is Scott Lee, and I'm alcoholic. And we're here to, in this last session, we're going to talk a little bit about Step 12, and we're going to include some of the little blurbs and stories and lessons that just kind of didn't fit anywhere else. And this is some of my favorite stuff. This is a gift from my from my mentor fellow named Cliff. Some of you probably heard from the West Coast. He says the 12 traditions are a set of principles that are designed to protect Alcoholics Anonymous from my very best motives.

You think about that. That is exactly what that is. That's what a principle does, that it protects me from a motive.

Page 96. I don't find the word sponsor or sponsorship in the basic text, and I don't find it in the early Roman numerals. It's all over the stories and all the rest of literature. But it was not one of the original words that was used in the Fellowship. And yet here we have the description of it crystal clear in two sentences. Middle paragraph on page 96. Oppose You're now making your second visit to a man. On the first visit,

you told your you talked about your drinking, he talked about his you laughed, you cried, you left. In the book, he says he has read this volume and says he's prepared to go through with the 12 steps of the programmer recovery. So for me, that's someone who is sponsorable. He's read the book or he's tried to. Have you ever had the experience of trying to read something and your eyes are moving across the page while your mind moves across the universe? I can tell you how to stop that. Read out loud

and you will trap your mind in the moment. The retention for me is so much higher. OK, so he's read the book,

says he's prepared. Watch my hand if you would. He's prepared to go through with the 12 steps.

All right, we'll settle for that. We don't get a lot of eager ones. I'll go through with the 12. Alright. And of the 12 steps of the program recovery. So there's the definition of the program. Again, it's the 12 steps. So for me, someone who responsible has made an attempt to read some or all of this book, he understands the 12 steps are the program and he's going to have to go through them.

And then it defines sponsorship or describes the sponsor in the next sentence. It says, having had the experience yourself, you can give me much practical advice. What experience, the experience of going through the 12 steps? What advice, advice on how to go through the 12 steps. So their sponsorship of two sentences, that's how I understand it. So when I I thought initially when I started sponsoring, I thought my first responsibility was to take these guys through the steps. And I think that's second. I think my first responsibility is to love them.

I'm told that God is love and when I give love, I give God. It's the highest gift and I received the gift that I love all of the men that I sponsor. What a phenomenal place that is to be in and from the position of love, I can be a so much better a coach and that and that's really what that is, is to coach someone through doing the 12 steps and I'm a player coach. I'm still in the game myself. I think it's important my

my 5th sponsor died. His picture since before me as I talk

and he was terminal. He went home to die. They had the meeting in the hospital. We make him comfortable. It's a ball game. He goes home to die. I'm sober 11 years and it doesn't occur to me I should be looking for a sponsor. I can't imagine the world without Don Roy in it. I I can't get that vision. He dies 2 weeks later. I'm as crazy as an outhouse rat. I don't have a sponsor and I only got 11 years. Boy, is that ever not enough to be unsponsored. I can tell you that.

And so I start looking for a sponsor. I don't know what I'm looking for.

And I prayed about it and this is a gift that I got is what I did was I inventoried the five men that had sponsored me at that point, they were all very different as individuals and yet they had common characteristics. So I asked myself, what are the common characteristics? I've been the victim of great sponsorship since

that's the best way. I'm not saying since my earliest recovery, since I had about four months and I inventory this guys, I said what are their common characteristics And these, this is what they were,

they were all sober men. I don't sponsor women. I don't have women sponsor me. I know people that works very well for I have the privilege of sponsoring a man that lives in Kiev in the Ukraine. And when he got there a year and a half ago, as best we can tell, he was the only person in the country of 54,000,000 who'd done the 12 steps out of the big book he needed to sponsor some women. And he does very effectively. I haven't seen an unattractive woman since the summer I turned 12 years old. And I don't

do not need to get. So for me, it doesn't work. All right, And so I'm not, but I'm not putting it down. I hope you heard me.

I'm not putting it down. It's just how it is for me.

So as a sober man who has done the 12 steps at my Home group that say you can't anymore give away something you ain't got, then you come back from somewhere you ain't been. So it's got to be someone who's done the 12 steps, if that's the primary job of the sponsor is to first make sure my steps are in place and 2nd, to plug the holes as they as it begins to leak. It's got to be a sober man who's done the steps who has a sponsor himself. We hope that means that he surrendered. We know for sure. It means that when I can bring him the question he can't answer. We have a plan.

It's got to be someone who will tell me the truth. I do not want to hear.

I got a phone call nine years ago from a guy used to drink with and he said I'm in treatment and I'm serious. Would you sponsor me? And I said I'll be happy to. And we're not friends starting right now because I'm going to make suggestions and you're going to take him as orders. So this isn't going to work. He's sober in nine years. And it's not because I'm a genius. It's because what's in this book works first time every time. And this is all I know how to do. I'm a one trick pony. Oh, it's a fabulous trick, but I just got the one. I just got the one,

so it's going to be someone who tell me the truth I don't want to hear. It's got to be someone who's active in service,

my sponsor said. He said it wasn't possible to have a gratitude meeting, said it couldn't be done because he said the only thing gratitude and attitude have in common is that they rhyme. The gratitude isn't how I feel about it. It's what I do about it. Gratitude is taking a meeting into a jail, a prison, a treatment center, an insane asylum, answering the phones that central law is showing up at your Home group early and setting the chairs up, making the coffee, capturing the newcomers through coming through the door and giving them a sponsor whether they want one or not, he said. It's that gratitude is going out of your way

so that somebody else might get this thing. Our friend Mary Jane says that that 12 step work only counts if it's inconvenient.

Only counts if it's inconvenient.

And he also said that anonymity keeps me from telling you when I do something good. So it's not possible to have a gratitude meeting, according to my sponsor anyway, kind of interesting, interesting perspective on that. So it's got to be someone who is going out of his way that somebody else might get this thing because the winners are all doing something to give it back. And the 6th characteristic, I'm going to play with you page 132.

You'll recognize this and I'm going to show off, I apologize, The dead center of the page, that would be 17 lines from the top and bottom and two words in from both margins where I think it says we absolutely insist on enjoying life. I have got to have a sponsor that laughs a lot.

I mean, why did you drink all? Where were you smoking that stuff? Was it to have a good time? Would you still like to have a good time?

Why don't you get a sponsors having a good time? I see people get sour puss sponsors. I can't figure that out to save me. That makes no sense to me whatsoever.

Makes no. And my experience is that people who do this work lay their burdens down, and they laugh a lot. Not that they don't cry, but they laugh a lot. So for me, a sponsor is a sober man who's done the steps, who has a sponsor who tell me the truth I do not want to hear, who's active in service, who laughs a lot. And there's that ice cream, Steve. And I said, Steve, would you sponsor me? And he said no.

And he said, now I'll pray about it. Call me tomorrow, come the next day. And he said, I'll sponsor you. I said, Steve, give me my marching orders. And he said, OK, he's and I said, don't give me 150 hoping I'll do 100, give me 150, I'll do 200. I'm surrendered. That's all I know how to do. That's all I know how to do. And he said, I want you in so many a meetings a week. I want you in so many treatment centers a month. I want you in so many jails and prisons a month. I want and I want you to follow directions on 86 and 87, how to open closure day. He started laying stuff out

and one of the things he gave me was the exact opposite what Don had me doing. I didn't even tell him. I just started doing it the other way. So I'm not here to argue with my sponsor, just started doing that. I spoke at a conference in Mississippi a year later and I mentioned that in my talk and he eventually got a hold of the tape and heard that he called me. He said, and he said I got you doing something exactly opposite what Don Roy had you. And I said that's right. And he didn't ask me what it was, and I didn't tell him. And I'm not going to tell you

because that's not the point.

The point is that my sponsors, final authority in my program, recovery final authority, he says it, I do it. It's that simple. And when I do that, what I do is I take my disease, which still resides up here, still wants to kill me. My disease still has voice. It no longer has vote.

He didn't ask me to feel like going to those meetings. He asked me to go. So I take the feel like out of it's been important for me.

Nine years ago, I picked up two guys within 60 days of each other that were on medications for depression. I believe that there are people who need to be on those, but I also believe it's being grossly over prescribed for us. Now. Let's see, now you're you're drinking a quart of Scotch a day, you're smoking 12 joints and you're depressed. Well, clearly you need to be on meds.

And unfortunately they don't know about the Scotch and the, and the, and the, I mean, you know, that's my story. I was diagnosed manic depressant, that manic depressive back before bipolar was popular. And, and, and I don't know whether they asked me about my drug and alcohol use and I lied to them or they didn't ask. It's one of those two, right? It's one or the other.

And so when I asked them to do was to go back to the person that did the prescribing and give them an accurate drug and alcohol history.

We'll begin there. Now, what I know that I don't tell them is if this person leaves you on it with that information, I'm going to take you at an MD in town who's carrying a 15 year chip. We're going to see what he thinks. And if he thinks you need to be on it, then, then I'm going to be out of the discussion. And you know, both of them, you know, whoever did the prescribing said you what? And they're off of it and they're doing just fine. I'm saying I believe there probably are people who need to be on that stuff. But this is what I do with someone who's new who shows up that way.

Just sharing my experience here.

When I asked Don Roy to sponsor me, he told me how to drop my previous sponsor. I called on a Friday to tell Mike that I'd ask someone else to sponsor me. I left him a message, a voicemail, and I used the need where I said, Mike, I need to talk to you. I left him a voicemail on Friday. The following Tuesday afternoon, he responded to my call. This is one of the two or three most spiritual men I have ever known. He is that today.

The reason I was changing was that his life got so full that I wasn't able to get what I knew I needed. I'm in the middle of a divorce and this guy can't call me back for four days and he wasn't out of town. That is because his life was so full. That's a good reason to change. And I said to him what Don had told me to say. I said thank you. Thank you for all you've given me. Thank you for all I've learned. Thank you for the time and effort you put into me. God knows you've been a blessing in my life. It's only fair for me to tell you I've asked someone else to sponsor me

and adults don't have to answer questions.

If he'd asked I would have told him I think he knew. And if he gets upset about that, the one thing I know for sure is I've done the right thing dropping him is because he goes ego tied up and sponsored me.

I had two, two very close friends dropped me a couple of years ago for the same reason. I do this a lot and they both thought they needed someone who was a lot more available. I said go with God. You bet I'm still close to both of those guys. I'm not mad, I'm not offended by that. I think they did the right thing. That just happened to me again a couple of weeks ago. I think he did the right thing. I told him so

and he's got a sponsor. If he's upset, he's got a sponsor to process that with her. I want to let him sponsor me in the 1st place. So how he feels about me changing is not my problem and I don't need to adopt it. I'm a poor enough father to the few problems I've actually got. I can't be adopting any. So I don't need to fix him. But I need to thank him because he deserves that and that that's that's what I learned. I love the temporary sponsor idea. The newcomer coming through the door. He doesn't need a commitment. He needs a sponsor.

Let's call it a temporary sponsor. Let's tell him I, you know, change if you want to. I'm not offended. Just let me know. Just let me know. And here's your first assignment. Let let's get going. Right? Yeah. Because because I'm only know. I only know one way to do it. And I asked the guys I sponsor to do that. Sure, be a temporary sponsor. But you only know one way to sponsor. Sponsor them that way.

This mic, I was just telling you about this very spiritual guy. I'm not kidding.

I got a five year chip in my pocket. I call him one day and I say rah rah, rah rah. This guy I'm sponsoring, what should I do? And he says I want you to drop him. I said come on Mike, he fire is what he said the big book uses the term drop. I said come on. And being serious, he said I'm being serious. I said I don't believe you. He said I would rather have you on the golf course than working with this guy to be better for your spiritual program. Well, Mike has never heard me play golf clearly.

Yeah. And I said, I don't get it, Mike.

And he said let me ask you some questions. He said what are you asking him to do that he's not doing? I said, well, let's see, Call me every day, look for a job, go to a meeting every day, call his parole officer, begin his four step and open and close this days. Follow the directions on 86 and 87. He said, well, how much of that's he doing? I said he's not doing any of it. He said you are not his sponsor. He is. You are his Fire Chief. And when his tail feathers are ablaze, he calls you and siphons off some of your serenity and puts out his fire and goes right back to doing it his way. And you are not

helping him. You are Co signing a lie. And the lie is that he has a sponsor and that he's in the program. And neither of those is true. He's in the fellowship, he's not in the program because the program's a 12 steps and he is not allowing you to coach him through them. And he doesn't have a sponsor because he's not doing what you ask. And then he said, how do you feel when you work with him? And I said it feel like they pulled the corks out of my heels and the blood ran out.

I feel like I've been wrung out, he said. Yeah, he said. How do you feel when you work with Bill K?

I said, oh, he lights me up like Chinese New Year's, He said, really, What are you asking Bill to do that he's not doing? I said, well he's doing it all, he said.

He says you can tell not each time, but by and large how you feel when you work with somebody, whether it's working or not. And sponsorship is always a two way St. If it's working for one, it's there aren't any one way streets in the Kingdom. If it's working for one, it's working for both. If it's not working for one, it's not working for either one.

And he said, do you think you could stay sober on the program he's working. I said no. He said, do you think he can? I said no. He said you are probably right. And when he drinks again, I want you to be able to sleep because he might die or kill somebody else or go to prison for a long stretch as a result. And I want you to be able to sleep knowing that you told him the truth, because the truth is he ain't in the program and he doesn't have a sponsor.

I learned another one since then. And that's that the next time he wakes up in a jail cell on a pool of his own blood and vomit, I want him to have three options. And the three options are to continue to live that way, to commit suicide or to try the program of Alcoholics Anonymous knowing he hasn't tried it because I told him the truth. Because if I told him, if I don't tell him the truth, he can sit on bar stools and say, I tried a, it doesn't work for me and believe it.

So I must tell him the truth because if I don't, I've killed him,

have killed him. And I went with a very heavy heart. And, and if this guide said give me one more chance, I would have said, OK, I've learned a lot about it since then. He did not say that. And the next time I saw him was a couple days later and he bounced off of both door jams coming into the clubhouse. We shared a parking lot with a grocery store and he was arrested. The cops came into that meeting and he left his car parked up against somebody else's in the grocery parking lot. And that's the last time we saw him. And I did not throw away his shot at recovery. He did.

Before you come disagree with me on this one, I'd ask you to read the middle paragraph on page 95 in the first paragraph on 96. We're not going to it. That's where the book says this stuff, But I had to have a guy tell me about it.

There's a guy that shows up in my Home group every six to 18 months. He was just there a couple of months ago. It always finds me. We've been doing this for over a decade. And he said, I know I didn't do what you last time, but I'm really serious this time, man. Please, if you'll sponsor me, I'll do absolutely anything I say, OK? And then I just make up an assignment. Doesn't matter what it is. There's no wrong assignment. The question is, does he do it? So I don't want you to read the 1st 8 pages in Bill's story. I want you to look up at least one word on every page in the dictionary. Call me tonight at 8:15. I want to hear what the words were.

He didn't call. He doesn't think he's got a sponsor and I don't think he does. And I'm not throwing away his chance. I'm not cosigning a lie. One of these times he's going to call, he's going to have eight definitions.

We're gonna rock'n'roll.

Yeah. It's not up to me. It's not up to me.

There was a, there was AI think it was Chicago. There was a story in the Grapevine 15 years ago, the guys fixing to start answering phones at the central office. I'm pretty sure it was a major city. I'm pretty sure Chicago. It occurred to him it was life or death and it scared him badly. And he went to an old timer and expressed his concern. The old timer said don't worry about it. If they're ready, you can't do it wrong. If they're not ready, you can't do it right. It's not up to you. And I believe that's the first rule of sponsorship. If he's ready, I can't do it wrong. If he's not ready, I can't do it right. It's not going to be up to me. It's going to be

I am able to layout the simple kit of spiritual tools. I can't make him pick him up. My Uncle Frank used to say. Some people are just naturally hard to help.

That's been my experience. Yeah. And continued to try to help him just frustrates me and it doesn't do them any good. I do them a great service when I drop them. And there was it was a guy in my Home group and and I don't know how many times I tried to drop him. He said no, give me one more chance to say, OK, read Doctor Bob's story and look up two words on every page and call me tonight. And he calls tonight and here we go. And three weeks later, I'm putting more energy in his recovery and he is and I drop him again. He said no, no, no, I'll do anything. And sure enough, he does for the week or so I finally talked to my sponsor about. He said the next time you

make it stick and I had to do it again a couple of weeks later. I said, Jerry, that's it, we're done. I can't sponsor you, so no, I'll do anything. I said no, Jerry, there's a country song says give me one more last chance.

You've had your last chance. I'm going to last chance you into your grave.

You're dropped. I hope you will get with another member of our group who's done the steps. I hope you will surrender to somebody. He says it in public every time he gets a chance. I saved his life that day because he was just playing the game and he found another long term member of my group, has done the work and is surrendered to him and he's on fire. I saved his life. I think it's one of the great spiritual truths. If it's right for one person, it's right for both. If it's wrong for one, it's wrong for both.

It's the way it is. I'm sad about that. I'll tell you, it breaks my heart. I've coached everyone. I've got one new guy that hidden sponsoring yet I've coached all the rest of them at least once through dropping somebody.

And I would say, God, just tears my guts up. I said I hope it does. Who are you? If it doesn't, because this guy's not going to make it this time. I hope it tears your guts up to have to go drop this guy. I hope it tears your heart out. Hope it does every time. Who are you if it doesn't? But it's the right thing to do. You're doing him a favor, and you're doing you a favor,

yet the secret sponsor school that you've always suspected was there. I'll admit that there really is. Did you ever wonder how your sponsor knows when you're full of it?

Well, there's a key phrase they teach and all after this phrase is BS. And the phrase is yes, but all after is BS. We just wonder that's that's that's where that comes from

Page 164. Just do a little piece of that.

I am going to run out of time.

2nd last line, third last fellowship of the Spirit. You will surely meet some of us as you trudge. The road to happy destiny is not what it says.

It says a road of happy destiny. The road is the destiny

right now, right this second, this is the destiny. And my wife says this is the future we used to be terrified of right this second. You guys OK,

Everybody all right? Everybody all right? OK, good. How about now?

How about now

the road of happy destiny? And I asked my sponsor what's trudge, and he said some days it's crawling over broken glass, other days it's cartwheels. It averages out at about trudge meets to walk with purpose.

The first time Bob and I did one of these, I was coming up on four years ago, four years next month. I flew into Las Vegas and we drove from Las Vegas to Los Angeles. And on the way across, his cell phone rings and this is his side of the convent. He won't tell this, but I will. This is sponsorship. His cell phone rings and I hear his side of the conference. Yeah. Hey, I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah. I bet she means it this time. Oh, yeah, this is definitely over. And I know you're broken hearted. It's Friday afternoon. I'll be home Sunday about midnight. I want you to have two new men to sponsor by the time I get back. You know where they are. Go get them.

That is fabulous sponsorship. We're going to get you out of the problem and into somebody else right now. And, and I've heard him, heard him. I learned this from him a year or so ago doing one of these.

I'll add it to some. I used to sponsor a guy named Buff, and Buff had terminal cancer and he was sober in the mid teens when he died of it. And a couple of months before he died he'd gone home to die in a cup of chainsaw. Mike and some of the other great guys that he sponsored came to me and they said what do we do? What do we do here? And I said, you take him your hangnails,

He's laying there dying to cancer and he needs your hang nails. The way Bob said it so poetically is that when you bring me your hangnail, when I've got a big deal going on, it puts an island of focus on you into this sea of me that I'm a Washington and I need those islands. When I got a big deal and I'm hurting badly, I need the hangnails from the guys that I sponsor.

They saved me. They Take Me Out of myself, which is what I need.

I start my the business partner that put me in treatment. I divorced a year later. He and I were stealing $25,000 a year in 1985 from our own company, each through our expense account that was our agreed upon number. That is not an estimate and it took me a year to realize that there was at least possible that was in violation of the spiritual principles I was trying to live by. I'm not a quick study and

I told him we had to quit that and he and he hated the IRS horse and communism and he wanted a mountain. So we divorced. I started a new business and just a couple of months later it was clear that this thing was going to crash and burn and I couldn't think about anything else.

It cost me my spirituality and I really had it at that time. It was just a fabulous thing. It had been gone for two weeks when I realized it was gone. And all I'm thinking about is this business and I go to you and I say, what should I do? And they say turn it over. I say how? And they say we'll just turn it over. Well, how? And they can't tell me. I prayed about it. This is what I got. Welcome to it, if you can use it. What I did was I figured out what was the worst possible case in my eyes, and it was this that I would lose the business,

go bankrupt, lose the house, lose one of the cars and have to get a real job working for somebody else. That was as ugly as I could see it. And so I took that to God in prayer because I figured if I could turn over the worst case, I'd have it all turned over. And I said, if this is your will, send it. And I didn't mean it. See, that was the problem. That was the problem was I didn't mean it. And I prayed that morning and night whenever I thought about the business until I met it. It's been too long and I think it was about 10 days to two weeks. And all of a sudden there was a moment and I just met it

that I had stepped back into the sunlight. I had something between me and God and I was living in the icy shadow and I had stepped out from behind it. And if that's what he's got in mind, I'm in, I'm in, I'm back to end that God's will is the best dealer is maybe somebody else needs to see me go through this. Whatever he's got in mind for me is good. I'll take it. And and it was just a glorious moment. I just had this tremendous feeling. Three days later, that business made a 180 and took off like a turpentine cat.

And I don't. Yeah,

I'm sorry. Where is she? I'm sorry. Thank you. I'll take that one out too. And but it really took off and,

and I'm not saying that the business change was cause and effect, but I know that those prayers are how I turned it over. So how do I turn it over to God? I stay in this day and I'd be comfortable with the idea that whatever He sends is OK with me. It was difficult for me to understand this piece. And that's it. Pain is my friend. Pain is my best friend. It's what tells me something is wrong.

My first marriage quit working somewhere right around six months before we said the vows.

Somewhere right in there.

And I bled off the pain from that through a Syria, and I'm not proud of this, through booze and drugs and a series of illicit affairs for years. And I believe if I hadn't done that, if I'd lived in that pain, that we would have either gotten help or gotten out of it several decades before we did. I must respect pain. It is my friend. It's what tells me something is wrong.

I've got to be careful that I don't bleed it off in an illicit fashion because it just tears me up. It it keeps me from having any hope, really.

I'm gonna tell a couple of more quick ones. We're just gonna have to run long

anonymity. Bob and I, if you may have noticed, give our last names and a A meetings in keeping with our tradition of anonymity.

If that doesn't make any sense to you, I'd like to recommend the pamphlet Understanding Anonymity and the book Doctor Bob and the Good Old Timers. Somewhere between page 26270, where Doctor Bob suggested that failure to give my last name and an A meeting is in conflict with our tradition of anonymity. We're not. We're not a secret society. We're anonymous at the public level.

You guys need to be. We need to be able to find each other. There are exceptions to that. I've been in meetings with federal judges, with people who need to be anonymous. Even within the fellowship. We see a lot of stars in Nashville. They need to be just George, you know, instead of whoever. And so there are exceptions, but by and large, we need to be able to find each other. My name is Scott Lee. I'm in the phone book in Nashville, TN coming through. Give me a call. Give me a couple days lead time. We'll take you to jail.

What an offer?

Where else would you get an offer like that?

Well, I mean, somebody in your Home group goes into the hospital, you walk up, the receptionist said. Pardon me, ma'am, is Janet from another planet still in 401,

right? What rooms? Chainsaw Mike. I mean, they can't help you with that. So we need to be able to find each other. And the other piece of anonymity I don't think we talk about nearly enough is doing something nice for somebody else and not getting caught. I touched it last night about turning the penny over in the parking place and all that stuff. I had an experience years ago where I had an opportunity to do something really good for somebody and I did it and no one knew. And what happened is that it was a piece of sunshine about the size of a ping pong ball lodged itself in my chest

and I could think about what I'd done anytime and this thing would glow and send light through my whole body. And I see people nodding who know what I'm talking about. So I never told a soul for about 6 months.

And when I told it got out and I'm going to tell you because there was another beautiful lesson that came on the back end. What had happened was I'm a Commission salesman. I had one of those magical days where I walk in on my first call at 8:00 in the morning and the receptionist says he's ready for you. I walk in, the buyer says haven't got time to talk today, here's your order. And at noon, my day's over. I got nothing to do, nowhere to go. I got fishing gear in the trunk. There's a State Park, a stream, I'm fishing,

there's a family. They got a 7 year old boy, it looks like he and I are going to fish together today. I'm going to cast. He's going to do everything else. The way it looks caught a couple of fish. This kid at 7 is a fisherman. He's never fished before in his life. That's my story. I meet his family. I'm at a time in my life where I've got time and I started taking him fishing, took him a couple of short trips and he had it. He had his bad a case, as I do. When he was eight, he and I launched a canoe on the Buffalo River. It's an hour West of Nashville, TN. It's a National Scenic River and I say I like to think there may be places in heaven almost as beautiful as a Buffalo River.

And this kit and I floated 5 miles of river that day in about 10 hours. We caught over 100 fish that day. It was one of the magic days. Kid caught a 4 LB small mouth bass. Man, they got my fish. It's what happened.

About a mile from the

about a mile from the takeout and the walls are straight up and the sky blackens and I hear the Thunder. We're going to get it. And I did what canoes call Eddie out. There's a little backwater and I could have pulled over in parallel parked under these trees. And I'm about to give God a little piece of did you happen to notice St. Scott down here, by the way? And I took this boy and he's caught my feet about to do this prayer.

And this beautiful little guy looks over his shoulder mean he says, is it OK to fish here?

And that was one of the great lessons of my life. I've got this was given to me by someone when I spoke one time. It's OK to fish here. See, because I prayed the third step prayer and I meant it. I prayed the 7th step prayer in a minute and the rest of my life's none of my business. And when the skies in my life Blackhead and I hear the Thunder and I know I'm fixing to get it. I think that's it for I'm supposed to take to my father,

he said. OK, to fish,

because you see, that's my assignment. I understand. That's my job.

Is it OK to fish here? It is. That's what it says. It's OK to fish here.

My

so my last flight in a high performance airplane and I knew it was my last flight. I leveled at 40,000 feet. That's that's this bird here that I got the picture of. If you noticed it, I'm a level at 40,000 feet 3 1/2 minutes after brake release. They give me a 30 mile circle around a point with an altitude block where there'll be nobody else because if you're going to play at 700 miles an hour, they have to give some room. It's one of the rules. I know it's pretty good rule and

they gave me too much altitude and

I I ease the throttles back out, afterburn of the fuel gauges move kind of fast and afterburner

pull the nose up a little bit rolled into 15° of bang. I started climbing in this circle. They told I'm starting at 40. They told us not to go above 45,000 feet and they told us couple of times a week not to go above 45. And they said there were two reasons. One is that you could die. The other is that you would also owe them an airplane

because there are things that happen at high altitude that you do not recover from that don't happen at lower altitude. Don't go above 45.

That was back in the days before the radar gave him your altitude and they were having to take my word for it. And I'm sure they were making other mistakes at the time too. And at at 52,300, she was done.

Yeah. I'm seven, 7000 feet higher than I'm supposed to be. And another 500 feet would have been 10 miles. I was going to make it, just wouldn't do it. I have not looked. I did an instrument climb. I rolled out on a northerly heading. And I looked for the first time, 9:30 in the morning on a clear day, 80 miles West to Jacksonville, FL, out over the Okefenokee Swamp. The sun's coming up over my right shoulder. The sky above me is black. I'm looking up through a bubble canopy at 9:30 in the morning on a clear day.

The sky is black at 52,300. I looked out to the West and saw the curvature of the Earth and I didn't see it a little bit.

I really saw it. This thing we're riding is a ball. It's this magnificent blue ball is floating in space and I claim it's held there by love. I didn't see anything else.

I had a physical sensation like something warm had been poured over me and ran down me like like might rundown a candle

and the poem High flight, the author says. I reached out my hand and touched the face of God,

and I did that that morning. Men who do that now, and I tell you what, in 1967, there weren't many that had done that, not many. That's one of them. Today. When they do that, that's the nickname they've given it. The guys who fly those planes who are able to go do that, call it touching the face of God. I sat there for about two minutes and looked at eternity

and I was shaken in a most beautiful way

and I ease the throttles back and I brought it down. I shot one approach and landed and I couldn't tell him I might have been the town drunk. I'm not the village idiot. I don't tell him you know this. This will be the we get the court martial out of this one for sure. And I didn't tell him out the whole time I was I was in the service and I was sober eight years and I talked to Burke Harlan's 12 year birthday. Get one of Burke's talks. You want to hear something? He was on my teachers and

I, I, I heard myself telling this story. And I said, I don't know why I'm telling this. And, you know, it was my first spiritual experience and I didn't realize it until I was sober. Eight years

for over 30 years, I want you can't do that for over 30 years. I want to see the curvature of the earth again. In 2004, my little business had a pretty good year and me and Miss Linda, we went out to the airport and we charted a Learjet.