The topic of Resentments at the 10th Fellowship of the Spirit, NY at the Graymoor Spiritual Retreat Center in Garrison, NY

Good morning, my name is Scott Lee and I am an alcoholic. If you would, I'd like to open the session with a few moments of silence.

Amen.

So so we've completed the third step prayer and just come up off of our knees and I like to tell the new guy that you're going to hear the discussion, rage and the fellowship when to do a four step. You'll hear people say don't do a four step too soon. You may drink.

I've never seen that. I've seen a few. 100,000 way too late

or you'll hear him say do one step a year, but they're not going to be able to tell you what page that's on or they haven't been able to tell me anyway. I mean, you wouldn't want to get well too soon. And have you got this all big bugaboo? The four step is, I mean, they're no surprises. You're the one that did all of this. I think it's important to have a sponsor. It was for me because if I don't have a sponsor on this, I will do a search. Listen, fearing moral inventory, not knowing what that is.

And I'm asked sometimes what I think about writing the story of your life. I think it's a great idea. Hope you do a four step also. I think you'll find, I think you'll find the four step will change your life. I'm not sure the autobiography will. I know that the actual four step will. So I say the book does not tell us when to do a four step. It makes two time references, and I give all the leeway that the big book does.

So as far as I'm concerned, you can use either of the two time represents of the book users or anything that lies between. Does that seem fair to everybody? OK,

so I asked him to read. We began the bottom page 60. He says next. I say whoa, timeout. That is a time reference next. So that's like we're just coming off our knees. Next. We launched down on the course of vigorous action, the first step, which is personal house cleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Our decision was a vital from the Latin Vita, meaning life. Vital means necessary to life. Violent cruisers stepping up, little permanent effect unless at once. Wait a minute, that's a time reference

at once. So the 4th step is either done next

or at once, or anywhere in between. I get them all the way the book gives,

followed by the strangest efforts to face and be rid. Isn't that interesting? Be rid of the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. And if I'm going to do that at Step 4, if all I do in Step 4 is right, I will be rid of ink, paper, and time. And none of those are blocking me. So it must be that there are things other than writing involved in step four, since none of those will help remove what's blocking me.

It is those other things that are life changing in Step 4.

Now, although there is writing involved in step four, it has, in my opinion and experience very little therapeutic effect. It is the observations and prayers that are life changing. Observation meaning not what I notice as I go zipping along writing, but what it tells me specifically to look for. We're going to talk about that in detail probably over the next two hours

to be rid of the things on ourselves. Been blocking us. Skipping down to the next paragraph, a business which takes no regular inventory years ago is broke. Most of the businesses that I've ever dealt with do a computer inventory every night. That's the evening portion of step 11.

Step 10 being about being present, my own life, moment by moment. Evening portion 11 Orell or formal inventory at night is the last thing,

but once a year these businesses do a full tear on inventory. Sometimes it's more than once a year, but it's always at least once a year. That's the reference. That's what I do. I discovered resentments that were over 25 years old on my 8th 4 step sober somewhere around 10 years. I know I've got some very good friends who have great programs in my opinion who believe you do the first nine once it stays over in the last three. That's fine if that's what they want to do. The evidence in my life as I continue to find things with this annual house cleaning and at 24 years I think I've done 22 of these

I've missed a couple of times.

Commercial inventory is fact finding, fact facing process and effort to discover the truth about the stock and trade. One object is disclosed damaged on several goods to get rid of get rid of is so important. They told us twice on this page. Get rid of them promptly. We did exactly the same thing with our lives. Who took stock honestly First we searched out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure. There's the good news again. I'm the problem being convinced itself manifest various ways was what it defeated as we considered its common manifestations.

As I understand step four out of the basic text, the three manifestations of self we are going to inventory are resentment, fear, and sexual misconduct. I claim that there is not a sex inventory in this book. I don't see where we where we inventory the bright side. I don't find the direction that says that this point right down. All the things in the sexual arena that you did were right and good. So inventory only the dark side and I don't like the idea of sex having a bad name. My favorite toy. I mean, come on.

So now what we're going to do is

here I am with my new guy again searching for directions on how to do step four. And we're going to find about 26 of them. We're going to do them one at a time. That's the next couple hours. Resentments, the number one offender #1 offender. It destroys more Alcoholics than anything else. We just threatened your life. We're going to do it a lot from it stem all forms of spiritual disease. We've been not only mentally and physically I'll, we've been spiritually sick. When the spiritual melodies overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. Makes me think the spiritual one's the most important one

in dealing with resentments. We set them on paper.

That's a general description. They're going to tell me exactly now how to set them on paper. It says we listed people, institutions or principles with whom we are angry. Need a list, and we don't need to know what the second direction is till we finish the first one. A list is a series of words and phrases that run down the page. I don't think I've ever seen a list that ran across the page. Lists run down the page And now we need a list of everything and everyone. You have ever been angry with, ever

erased the word resentment from your mind. You don't know what it means in your case.

What we're looking for is a list of people, institutional principles. That is to say anything with whom we were that's anytime in the past angry. That's what I need is a list now. And I say now you're probably wondering what color paper should use, what color ink. Were you wondering that? Some of them say, yeah, books, not specific about that. I'm paid 67, about 10 lines from the bottom. It says we placed them before us in black and white. That's not very specific.

That doesn't say black ink and white paper. Clearly, that could be black paper and white ink.

I'm willing to go either way with you on that. And I think what I'm. Yeah. And I've had so far, two guys go to the art store, They buy an inch thick of black paper, 2 pins right with white ink. I'm good with that. Bob thinks this is ridiculous. I agree with him. This is asinine and I absolutely require it. I,

I don't want to let myself off the hook on any of this because the, the little bitty thing I say, I don't really have to do that might have been the one that would have saved my life.

So if I sponsor you, do your, your inventory with black pen or pencil and white paper or black paper and white ink. I'm good either way,

and

let's talk a little bit about what that looks like and when we're going to do it. The easy way I think is to get a spiral notebook

on the first page of it. I'd like you to write something subtle like this is my four step put it down. If I find you with it, I will kill you and hide your body.

Something subtle and yet that conveys the message.

Umm.

And then the the next page is for me, it's actually a double page. The way I do this is 4 columns. And so we open to a double page, write the number one above the margin on the left hand page, A2 around over the middle of the left hand page, the three and the four split the right hand page. And now I need a list. And the list is made-up of everybody and everything you can think of that's ever made you mad. Ever.

So let's start the first Write a name, skip a line. Write a name, skip a line. Write a name, skip a line. When you get to the bottom of the page,

you have turned the page. You can't write on the right hand page. We're going to need that right 1234 and just keep them coming. Just keep them coming. Now for those of you who cheated and looked ahead and know that the next direction has to do with what they did, you're planning to leave 10 pages for your father. The answer to the question is write one name and skip one line and don't list anybody more than once. We're going to talk about Hawaiian a couple of minutes. I think it's just critically important. Let's talk about when

there are 168 hours in a week.

If you have a 40 hour week job in the 30 minute commute each way, that's 45 hours gone. 8 hours a night of sleep is 56 more. I want you to spend about 15 hours a week on meetings. That's a little travel time, little hang out before little hang out after. Three hours a week on recreation, around a golf, play some tennis, something like that. Two hours to mow the lawn. Do your melon list. They get the melon list up here. Honey, do this. Honey, do that. The Melon List

Five hours a week reading spiritual literature. I I require of myself and the men I sponsor to read 2 pages a day. In the big book. We start at Roman numeral 11. Go through 164. I read my 2:00 this morning.

It's you can't find all the new stuff if you don't if you don't stay current in the book. OK, and there's not new stuff, but I read it with new eyes is what happens some other spiritual literature. 3 hours a week to bathe, shave. 4 hours for a date with your wife if you're fortunate enough to still be in the house. If not, maybe you can coach a Little League team. Do something in the plus column. Five hours on the telephone with me and and some men whose names and numbers I will give you. I will pick them for you. 12 hours a week to cook and eat food. One hour to shop for groceries, clothes, get a haircut. 5 hours in prayer and meditation, 9 hours

watching TV. That's three ball games. That's enough. That's 165 hours gone out of 168 hour a week. You got three hours left. I want a half. It varies. I need to know about his life. I sponsor a guy when he and I, when I got to this part, his wife had a fabulous job and he's a stay at home dad with a, with a one year old

five days a week. And the kid sleeps from 1:00 till 3:00 in the afternoon for a nap every day. He's got five days where he's sitting there by himself in the house with a one year old for two hours for him 10 hours a week. Let's negotiate it. And I want you to call me every Sunday and I want the schedule. And Monday, Wednesday and Friday is not a schedule. Monday from 9:00 PM till 9:30 PM is a schedule.

I want it scheduled time and date

like anything else on my schedule. It's subject to change is not subject to cancellation. They had it had it scheduled Saturday afternoon at two. I didn't know the kid had a Little League game. I went to the Little League game and I slipped it till 7:00 that night. I don't even need a phone call on that. What I need to know when I started to do my first one, I gave myself the assignment of completing a step four. It put me in perfect position to hate myself till it was done

because I hadn't completed the assignment. When my sponsor and I can agree on how much time and when I should work on this four step each week

and I do that each week, I can feel good about myself because I'm in process and I will always be in process. Somehow I think for me it's a better mindset. I also like to tell him that we are not saving a special alcove and Akron at the AA Hall of Fame for your four step right? You, you will have my permission to do a poor four step that anything worth doing is is worth doing poorly

as you learn to do it. You're not going to get this perfect. I don't expect you to. You have my permission not to. As a matter of fact, to be completely honest with you,

our Home group does not give a trophy every year for the best four step. This is the trophy you are not going to get.

For those too far back, it says four step trophy never awarded. This is the trophy you ain't getting and what this and you can have your photo made with this for a very small price here at the break.

This is all about a mindset. If you don't have to do it perfectly, Because if I have to do it perfectly, I can't do it at all.

It's not permission to screw up on purpose, it's permission to be human.

And then we sit out and write and write a name, skip a line, write a name, skip a line. When you get to the bottom of the page, turn the page and just keep them coming. When they slow down, when you can sit for 15 or 20 seconds and not think of anyone or anything, then we'll then we'll move on to direction 2. In the meantime, some of them you'll be unsure of. The rule is when in doubt, write it out. Better to put it down and discover later it didn't actually a problem

that to not write it down and later have it kill you. Let's see now not a problem later, a little ink, a little time or kill me.

So let's pick let's pick by what the penalty is going to be. So when in doubt, write it out. When you get to the end and can't think of anymore, there's a direction to bottom of page 65 says we went back through our lives. So that indicates that I use a reverse chronology. I like the idea of just download, just dump them first. But then let's go back to through my life. Now I live here. I'm married to Miss Linda, the most fabulous woman on the planet. I work for these people. This is where my home is my church, my Home group. This is what my life looks like. So I searched that

for things that have ever made me angry. But 16 years ago I was married to and I worked for those other guys and I live in this other place and so on. Then before that I lived in this other town, and before that I was in the Air Force and I was stationed at this place. And I go back through my life prayerfully. I want this, this 30 minute session that you're going to do to start with five minutes of prayer and meditation. Ask God for clarity of mind to find what he'd have you find and the courage to write it down and anything else you want to do. But I want you to open with five minutes of prayer

and then 25 minutes of writing and we can negotiate that. I sponsor a guy right now is coming up on two years in a couple of days. And when we got to this, he's one of these get up at 5:00 in the morning thing because he's always awake and he wants to work on it for an hour each morning, five days a week. Great. Long as we can agree on it. And all of a sudden your boss is coming into town for a whole week and you're going to start with breakfast and run through dinner and 9:30 at night. Can't work on your four step this week. I agree

on the front end.

I agree when you tell me on Sunday that you have a reason that you can't work on it this week. I get reasons on the front end. I get excuses on the back end. Bring me the reason up front. I'm easy. Bring me the excuse later. You don't want to see it

how I do it.

When we get to your earliest memory, we are finished with the first column. Is it complete? No. No chance at all. No chance. But we're through with it for now. At this point, I want you to carry writing materials with you all the time because you're going to be walking to the grocery store. You're going to look down at the Cantaloupe said his head Looked, He said Just write it down. Just write it down. We'll add it to the list. We got plenty of room.

Now we search, having done the first column completed. Now we search for direction 2 cleverly concealed in the book. In the next sentence we asked ourselves why we are angry. We take a look at the example on the facing page. I'm resentful at Mr. Brown under the 'cause it says I'm on page 65. His attention to my wife told my wife of my mistress. Brown may get my job at the office if you would

begin with the word office and count backwards just the words under the cause. Can somebody give me a number? How many words that is?

19. Yeah. It's easy to miss Oven D That's what go backwards sometimes in 19 words. Let's look at what this brownfellow did. He's messing with his wife,

has told his wife about his girlfriend about. That was fun, huh? That's got to have been a great day. And by the way, trying to get him fired, he got 19 words.

19 words. That's still a misdemeanor.

And so column two you have if, if you've, if you've, if you're doing it this way at column two, you've got from the margin over to the spiral and the entire line below it on which you can write 19 words or fewer, 19 words or fewer. It's a summary, right? It, it, it didn't start. It doesn't start out saying it was a rainy Wednesday afternoon. No, no, no, no, no.

I got a phone call years ago on a Sunday evening from a girl in my Home group. She says I'm just crazy, that's what's the matter, said my boss and I had a big fight on Friday and I've been for stepping about it all weekend. No, she hadn't. She'd been taking his inventory, hating him. On paper. That's not what this is about. This is a summary. My second column reads like this. Left me for another guy. Screwed me in a business deal.

Left me for another guy next to high school football coach. Didn't play me as much as I deserved

for another guy there.

There are patterns,

right? But it's brief. But it's brief Next to my father beat me down so hard that at 65 years old I still have problems with authority figures. I have trouble peeping, telling people things they don't want to hear. 19 words or less. If I sponsor you, I'll tell you. Don't write the 20th word. If you've got somebody that's done more than this to you, call me and we'll negotiate whether you can write the 24th. I'll be glad to talk about it.

I'll tell you I've never given it up. I'm willing to talk about it.

Truth is I've never been called. You wouldn't call me after this, would you lay down either. So, so we worked down the page. The hardest thing I used to give these the first three directions together and then they work across the page. There are two very good reasons to work down the page. The first one is the book set a list, a list run down the page. The second one is if you work across the page, if you write the name and what they did and then then what it affected, it tends to make the resentment flare. And we're not trying to make it flare. We're trying to excise it. We're

dig this baby out of here. That's what we're here for. That's what's going to happen in Step 4.

Bottom of column three. I'm sorry, bottom of column two. We now look for the third direction of the top of page 65 on our grudge list. We said opposite each name, our injuries. Was it our self esteem, security, ambitions, personal or sex relations? Five part multiple choice. Some will only get one, some will get two or three. Some may get all 5. Some you may not be able to figure out. Call your sponsor and they'll help you see why it was self esteem

because on the first first one they all will be my last two inventories. Security has gotten the most ink. It's it's been a real change for me and they haven't taken long.

For me, the most powerful part of Step 4 is the actions between the 3rd and 4th columns. That is where the rubber meets the road. And

bottom of the page, nothing counted but thoroughness is honesty. When we were finished, we considered it carefully. These are some observations that I was referring to. We're going to consider it carefully. They're going to tell us how first thing a parent was. A world of people are often quite wrong. I don't let them spend much time on that. The chances are you have spent the last 10 to 20 years on bar stools with some of the other great philosophers of our era covering this exact subject. So we don't need to give this a lot of time, all right,

to keep it moving. The next paragraph, It's plain to the life that includes deep resentment leads only to futility and happiness.

Is that plain to you? Do you see that? Have you ever seen a life that was happy, joyous, free, and full of deep resentment?

It's a combination that does not occur. So this is an indictment of resentment. This is the second one. So the precise extent we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile? Squander means to throw away with no help of getting anything positive back. Did. Did you ever sit in class and I hate them when you should have been listening? Did you ever lay awake at night and plan their demise and what you're going to do to them instead of sleeping? Did you squander hours that might have been worthwhile?

But with the alcoholic whose hope, and we're going to tell you what your hope is, the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience. Growth means

that what I've already got may be insufficient for next year. I must remain in the growth mode. I believe maintenance means two things. Maintenance means I must maintain. I can't backslide at all. It also must means I must maintenance my spiritual experience in the same sense that I maintenance my vehicle. I rotate the tires, I keep the right pressure in them. I change the oil, I wash it. I maintenance my spiritual condition. I pray, I meditate. I put your blinker on near me in traffic. I'll let you in.

That's a very spiritual thing for me.

I attend a lot of meetings. I have the high honor and privilege of taking meetings into treatment centers and jails. I I'm faithful to my wife. I'm trying to be a good father. I'm a fabulous grandfather. You know, I'm doing those things

to maintenance my spiritual condition.

So my hope is the maintenance growth of my spiritual experience. It says this business of resentment is infinitely grave. Infinitely grave. I think we just threatened your life. I think we're going to do it seven times on this page

for when harboring such feelings, not so much when having such feelings. When Harbor Harbor means to give a safe place to to nurture. I'm OK if I have a resentment. I'm not OK if I'm harboring it. And the directions for not harboring are coming at the bottom of this page.

We shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns. We drink again with us to drink, us to die. We just killed you again. That's too. If we were to live, are this only for the ones that want to live? Everybody can go on to lunch. If we were to live, we just killed you again. That's three. We had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm are not for us. Very confused by that. When I first read it, I got a piece of information about the time this book was being written. One of the most creative men that ever lived,

named Walt Disney, would sit his team around a table and they would spit out ideas for Mickey Mouse cartoons. And you say something to remind her something. She thinks something reminded him, and I think of something. There it would be,

and he he named his process. Brainstorming has absolutely nothing to do with the word brainstorm as you see it written in the text. Bob and I have both dug into dictionaries from the 1930s and earlier and brainstorm. The one I looked up said brainstorm meant transient, violent mental outburst. That's rage.

That is, rage has nothing to do with the creative process. So if we look at what it's really telling us here, there are two kinds of anger, the grouch of the slow burn, the brainstorm or rage.

The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be as this then they may be the dubious luxury for normal men, but for Alcoholics, these things are I we killed you again. We turn back to the list for held the key to the future. Now this is a subtle death. Does that mean if I don't find the key to the future, I don't have a future? Yes, that's what that means.

Found the key to the future. We were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. Entirely different from what? Well, the last time we looked at the list was at the bottom of the preceding page where it said the first thing apparent was that this world and his people were often quite wrong. We have been looking at where they were wrong right up until now, and now I must prepare myself to look at it from an entirely different angle. You don't take it from there for a while,

OK?

I'm Bob, an alcoholic.

Some guys and gals, I think guys more so, have difficulty identifying resentments.

The ego doesn't want to admit that anyone could hurt us, right? I sometimes be and sometimes the egos, cunning, baffling and powerful and it's clever. And if it, it reads ahead, so it knows amends are coming, right? So not I don't resent those people 'cause you know, you kind of you, you get it, you know you. Oh no, if I, if that's a resentment that might cost me money, No, that's not a resentment. So

some of us have a hard time identifying this. Years ago I had a guy

asked me to sponsor him who was sober actually a year longer than I was hit the tie was probably 22 years sober at the time he was 23 and he was 23 years sober with the benefit of step none. And he was about he was going to kill himself with 23 years of sobriety and which was perfectly all right for him. He was glad to kill himself.

The problem and hit the reason he came to me is that the if he was going to die, the obsession to drink returned. He figured if I'm going to kill myself, I might as well do it drunk. And the idea of him dying and everyone knew that he didn't have 23 years of sobriety made him crazy. He didn't mind dying. He just didn't want to look like he was wrong after he's dead, right? Right. His ego actually saved his life and his ego brought him to the table. And we started going through the steps and we just finished the third

on his knees and we start telling him about a fourth step. I said, I want you to make a list of your resentments. Well, he's kind of a blustery guy, uptight, blustery, ex Navy chief, one of those kind of guys that always talks to you with his arms like this.

And I said I want you to make a list of resentments. And he says

resentments. I don't have any resentments. I said, really? Yeah. I just let that stuff go. Nothing bothers me. Well, you could watch this guy walk across a parking lot from 100 yards and know he's pissed about something. You know what I'm talking about, Right? Right. But he doesn't think he has a resentment. And I should. Really. And he said, yeah. I said, OK. Jared said in your case, we're going to do something different. I want you to make a list of people you feel smugly superior to.

And he got this look on his face like, oh, that's going to be a long list.

Yeah. Because what in resentments, There's not that's in. It's impossible to have a resentment without a judgment,

and this is where I start to put down the manifestations of self, the ego, that part of me that climbs up on the throne of judgment and starts making the judgments. This is how I play God.

So I'm looking at the resentments and then

an interesting thing on page 65 there is now I know people with all they've done is the first three columns and and if that's all you do, you'll get sicker because the real work and the magic, the transformation really comes on the following two pages, 66 and 67. But there is 2 points of value that come from the first three columns. One point of value

is that you separate the person from their actions.

It's not really the person I hate, it's what happened in column #2 is what I really hate. The second thing is that I start to realize that there is self-centered fear in every single resentment because something was threatened. Was it my my my sex relationships were threatened,

my self-esteem, my pride, my ambitions, my pocketbook? That there was. It's impossible to have a resentment

without some sort of fear being involved. OK.

And then on page 66, this is where this is the page

and 67. It changed my life so dramatically that I I tell you, I didn't know that in in at 4 years sober, doing a thorough job on this. I didn't understand that I was building a weapon that I would use against self when it became militant again and and rose up in my life at 11 years sober when I caught when I found out my wife had been sleeping with my best friend, one of my

for the whole last year of my marriage. And I well, in one sweep lost my daughter, my best friend and my wife in one sweep. And my ego was had been set waiting almost like the military industrial complex waiting for making weapons, waiting for an opportunity to go to war. And my ego had been waiting all this time. And if I hadn't done this work, I would have died. At that point,

I would have died.

I didn't know that I was building a weapon that would protect me from really the only problem I've ever had, which is me.

It would defend me against me.

And

one of the things that Scott commented on this, this is such a these resentments, these judgments shut us off from the sunlight of the Spirit. You, you can't play God and serve God at the same time. They're mutually exclusive positions. So when I'm judging God's kids and playing God, there is there's no God in my life because I've taken his I'm, I'm it. I'm the great I am,

right?

And so I'm shut off from the sunlight of the spirit and Alcoholics. This spiritual malady is that I get a sick, disconnected, isolated, depressed spirit that eventually thirst for relief. And if I don't find a way to free that and change that, I'm doomed. And this is really where it starts. The line in here that Scott commented on it says we're prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. Well, what does that mean? OK, so far

I've been looking at it. What's the 1st 3 columns? Isn't it? In essence, I'm taking the stance of a prosecuting attorney. This is my case. This that I've built against these people here, the name, what they did and what was hurt, threatened, affected, interfered with or injured. That's my case. So if I was going to look at it from an entirely different angle, wouldn't it mean that I would cross the courtroom

and I would sit on the defense table

and now I would start talking about it and explaining it and looking at it from their point of view?

Now, if you start to do that, I'll tell you one thing,

it's going to look different.

It's going to look different. Now the ego doesn't want to do that because in order, the minute you start to cross that courtroom, the ego balks because the ego, all it wants is to be right.

Matter of fact, it my ego is so strong that it doesn't care if it kills me as long as after I'm dead, everyone knows I was right.

But this being prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle as a supposition, and the supposition is, is that I by this time I am surrendered enough. I'm convinced enough of my absolute need to do this that I'm willing to entertain a great thing that possibly I could have been wrong about all these people.

Am I prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle? And then it says something I think is is It implies it could be this way, but I think I found it in every case to some degree. It says it says the wrongdoings of others, fancied or real, had the power to actually kill fancy.

I discovered that in every single resentment, there's something fancy about it because it is a self-serving judgment.

It serves the ego. It serves that part of you that wants to be superior, that party that wants to be right

itself serving.

And I'll tell you a little, I'll tell you something that happened to me that that really set me up to be able to do this. When I was about a little over, I was new. I was fairly new. And there I went out to coffee one night with a guy named Billy Taylor. And Billy was a very active member of A and went to a lot of meetings

and he was an easy guy to talk to. And he was always like sitting in coffee shops with new guys talking about a A. And I got a lot of my Alcoholics on this in the early days in coffee shops before and after meetings. And I'm sitting one night late at night with Billy and I, I found myself because he was easy to talk to, telling him a few of the things about myself that I was the most ashamed of. And you know, over the years, I found every alcoholic has those things. It's different in individuals, but we all have those things that we'd

to take to the grave, the things that when we think about, we shudder, that create remorse. And it's different. Maybe for some of you, you, you went out and partied and got drunk and you forgot about your kids and you left them all alone at home and you shudder to think what could have happened. Or maybe in a drunken rage you beat your kids. Or maybe when you're hungover. Or maybe you had a dog that loved you and one day it came up to lick your face and you hated yourself so much you beat the dog.

Or maybe you dimed out a friend in order to save your own butt. Or maybe you let somebody else take lose their job because you did something and you let them think that someone else did it.

Or maybe you had did think. Maybe you had sex with someone. You wouldn't even want anybody know you'd have lunch with that person.

Maybe you had sex outside your species, for God's sakes. I don't know. I don't know what your deal was. I just know you have a deal. Everybody has a deal, right? Everybody has a deal. And I had a bunch of deals. And I told Billy some of my deals and and he took it. OK, I suppose. You know what? He though that bothered me. He didn't say

it would have been better if he would have said, oh, me too. He didn't say that. Instead he said, he said, well, I'm sure you're not the only one that's ever done that. Someday that'll be useful to help someone else. Kind of remember thinking in the back of my mind, it's a little a, a party line kind of statement. But he didn't reject me. He seemed to take a while. I went home that night, went to work that week. My shift got changed. Instead of working eight to four, I started working four to midnight. Well, for good part of a year, my whole meeting scheduled

upside down completely changed. I started going to noon meetings instead of night meetings and I consequently I didn't see Billy for a long time. A good part of a year later, I go to a meeting at night on my night off that I normally wouldn't go to. And as I walk into the meeting hall, I see Billy across the hall. And I was glad to see him. You know how you get with people that were part of your early sobriety you hadn't seen in a good time? You know, you see him and it kind of lights you up. It's a bright spot. I saw Billy and I said, hey, man, Billy, I

see it. And he wouldn't say hi to me. As a matter of fact, he looked at me with the look of like pain, contempt, and then just turned away and wouldn't look at me anymore and sat down. And the meeting started. And I'm, I am, I'm sitting there and I don't know what's going on in the meeting, but I'll tell you inside of me there's a bunch of stuff going on.

And I'm sitting there and I'm hurt and I know what's going on. I know that that SOB's was just been judging me for that stuff. And I'll tell you something. There's a part of me that can't, that doesn't blame him. God knows I have judged myself harshly enough for that stuff. And I always secretly believe that if you knew about me what I know about me, you'll feel about me the way I feel about me. And that's not good.

And I was sat there and I'm hurt. And when I'm hurt, I'm angry.

It's an automatic knee jerk reaction to me. I start getting angry. I start building my case against him. It's my defense

and I'm sitting there thinking about what a hypocrite he is and all that crap. He tries to pretend like he's such a good a member. And then I had this epiphany was I remember like it was yesterday. It was like I just, it seemed came so clear to me all of a sudden that that SOB, the reason he can't look me in the eye. He's been telling people that stuff and it all of a sudden all the dots connected. There was a there was a gal, I had just asked her out. She would not go out with me and she's friends with.

I knew he told her that stuff. There was another guy that he runs around with that had been a little distant for me. I knew he had told him. Now I am enraged. I am going to kill him and feel justified because if he's doing that to me, he's probably doing it to other new people.

And I am cocked and ready and as soon as the meetings over, I'm going to tear into this guy. And the chairperson is ending the meeting and says, before we close, does anybody have a burning desire? And Billy raises his hand. He tells everybody in the room that the tumor, they found out the biopsy came back and it was malignant and he had a very short time to live. And I sat there and I felt about this big because I real. I awoke to the reality that what I saw in Billy's face had nothing to do with me.

I awoke to the reality that on the day he found out he was terminally ill and at a very short time to live. That saying hi to Bob or even realizing Bob was there was not of an on the on the horizon. That he probably was so afraid and up in his head as I would be that he didn't even know I was there. And the look on his face had nothing to do with me. It was all about what was going on with him