Step 3 at the 10th Fellowship of the Spirit, NY at the Graymoor Spiritual Retreat Center in Garrison, NY

Thanks a lot. Good morning. My name is Scott Lee and I am an alcoholic and very, very grateful to be here. I thought we might open a little bit of play because my wife says that that laughter is a sound effect of recovery and I believe that. And anyway, on page 31 in the text, we're going to do this together, we're going to do a showing of hands. Despite all we can say, many who are real Alcoholics are not going to believe they're in that class. By every form of self deception experimentation, it'll try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore non alcoholic.

If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right about face drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people. Here are some, not all, some of the methods we have tried. Drinking beer only. Who tried the beer experiment? Drinking the heart. Some ain't smoking. None of that either. Wet beds. There you go. Yeah, limiting the number of drinks. I'm going to have two. That was the worst one I thought. Never drinking alone. Try that.

Never drinking in the morning. Now, now, well, hold on. Just just a, a, a technicality.

Brandy Alexander is actually just being continental, right? That's not really. Yes, that's drinking. OK, I have to call it by its own name. Drinking only at home.

Yeah, I I sponsor a cop in Nashville, He said He approached the scene of A1 car wreck. The car's like around a phone pole. By the time he gets past the trunk, he can smell the booze. He gets to the front, the windows down, the guys laying there. Ron leans in, says, are you OK? Guy says you know what, officer? I've absolutely got to stop driving.

That made sense to you, didn't it? Never having it in the house. You ever pour it out? Did they ever pour it out? Oh, yeah. OK. Never drinking during business hours. Now, technically, lunch is not business hours

and. And a friend of mine says anytime I'm defending myself with a technicality, I'm already wrong. Yeah, he did that. Drinking only at parties. Well, I'm a party hunting a location, aren't you? I'm a mobile switching from Scotch to Brandy, trying to move to something you didn't like so you wouldn't drink too much of it. Yes, Sir. Drinking only natural wines. Now, that ripple was never anywhere near a great. No, we, we we're not count. You know, the problem with the wines is when you puke, it's stringy. It's always got to wipe.

Have you seen the ads on TV for this new Budweiser beer, Budweiser Select? And one of the things I say about it is finish is clean. You've seen that. I know what that means. That means you put it right where you want it when you puke and you don't even have to wipe. That's so when you see that commercial you'll know. Finishes clean, right?

Agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job. Anybody ever get trapped on the job? Taking a trip? Not taking a trip. Don't you love that? Swearing off forever. Who quit forever, Who quit forever? Solemn oath on the Bible in front of witnesses at least once.

All right, That's that's pretty good. Who peed in the closet?

Did you really? I never did that. I'm so embarrassed for you. That's

I don't believe I'd have told that. There's a big difference between a fist up and sharing in a meeting. I don't believe I would have told. I will admit, my first wife still mad about that antique coffee table we used to have in the living room. I will give you that. Who's taking meetings into jails and prisons? Keep them up for a minute. Can anybody else? If you're suffering from depression, get with one of these people and take one meeting into the joint. Just one. It will break a depression faster than anything else I've ever seen.

Have a negative impact on your recovery. It's an amazing process. Taking more physical exercise. You've tried that? I tried playing tennis stoned one time. Let me tell you something, running and laughing are a bad combination. You can get hurt doing that. Reading inspirational books. Who's got everything Augmentino ever wrote? Yes, Sir, there we are. We're the ones that buy all of that stuff, right?

Going to health farms and sanitariums. Where do you think you are

accepting voluntary commitment to asylums that was actually captured and put in the asylum? I didn't volunteer. We could increase the list on infant item. It's Latin. It means forever.

I thought was kind of an interesting point. Page 60. We talked last night about a God concept. This this idea of let's choose one and, and what those characteristics might be. So A, he convinces me he's alcoholic and can't manage his own life. B, no human power could have relieved us alcoholism. None did in the past. None can in the future. And before I go to see, I want to establish a God concept that can work.

And I think that was so important to do that piece. And it says there's an interesting thing actually at the top of page 57

says save for a few brief moments of temptation, the thought of drink has never returned. And at such times a great revulsion has risen up in him. I'll tell you what, that's a sane reaction for a guy with my kind of history. You know, I, I say, I don't see where it promises me manageability, but it sure promises me sanity. And this is one of them. It says seemingly he could not drink even if he would. God had restored his sanity. Sanity of action, Sanity of action. What is this but a miracle of healing? Its elements are simple circumstances made him willing to believe. In a case like mine. It means

worked himself into a crack. He could not lie his way out of

right circumstances made him willing to believe. He humbly offered himself to his maker. Then he knew doesn't say. He said, you know, Get Me Out of this and I'll never do it again or God do all of this and I'll you know, the I pray that some of you old enough to remember praying to the great Monty Hall in the sky. You know, let's make a deal. Remember that show? Let's make a deal. Yeah, I was always trying to do that. But he didn't ask for help here and say give me some help. He said take me

carte blanche means white paper cart. When I give somebody carte blanche, it means I signed the bottom blank and hand it to you and you fill it in any way you want to.

That's what this is. Take me

then he knew. Even so, has God restored us all our right minds to this man. The revelation was sudden. Some of us grow into more slowly. Here's one of the most powerful promises in the book, I think. But he has come to all who have honestly sought him.

When we drew near to him, he disclosed himself to us. A friend of mine says that that the analogy is God's a little bit like the mother of a three-year old playing hide and seek with her child. Where does she hide? She hides where the child can find her. All that child must do is seek. This is my heavenly parent and I don't have to find him. I just have to seek. Page 60 see that God could and would if he were sought. Well, this God we talked about, we said was all powerful. So I say he could

and would. Well, let's see. He loves me. He's gentle. He's eager to forgive. He has a sense of humor. He wants what's best for me. I'd say he would. And if he were sought, not found,

item one, God is not lost, does not require to be found, but simply saw it. And I wish just for myself when we read this portion in the meetings, we'd pick up this next phrase says being convinced, we're at Step 3. Convinced of what AB and C are you convinced of AB and C? Welcome to Step 3, which is that we decided to turn our willing life over to God. As we understand, don't say over to the care of God says over to God. And the short form of the step, it says over to the care of God. And I don't have a

an editorial on that, but I do observe it. But I do observe what my sponsor told me that step three is clearly not where we turn our willing lives over to God or over to the care of God. If we could do that at step three, we would have a three-step program. What can be left after that? This is where we decide to do that. I learned this from Bob. The word decide comes from the Latin verb sizzare, which means to cut. It's the same root word as the word for scissors or incision,

a decision. I cut away the other options

and act upon the one I have decided. That's what the word means.

So step three is where I decide to turn my well in life over the care of God or over to God. Pick one. And I, I think the question then becomes how do I do that? And I believe the answers are numbered 4th or 12th short form. Having had a spiritual awakening sounds a lot like well in life over to God. Spiritual awakening, in my experience is a process and and it's there was a moment this morning when I was asleep and there was the next moment I was awake,

but a few seconds later I was more awake. And when Linda and I finished our morning prayers,

I was more awake. When I stepped out of the shower, I was more awake. I'm more awake now than I was when I got out of the shower. I think this spiritual awakening thing continues to be that way, that there's not an end to it. It's not a yes or no question. It's a process that that if I stay involved in, this doesn't end. And that's one of the most exciting parts about I was sober less than a year. And I heard a speaker who was sober 22 years, now he was sober 20. Talk about he and his sponsor lived in different cities at this point, and they hadn't been together in about a year.

His sponsor had 22 and they had, they had spent their first two hours together talking about all the new stuff they learned and all the growth they'd had since the last time they'd been together. Thought, wow, so there's not an end to that.

Continuing on page 60, just what do we mean by that and just what do we do? The first requirement, Aha, there are requirements. And if there's a first, there must be more than one first requirements. We be convinced that any life run on self will can hardly be a success. Have you ever seen one? I never have. I've seen a lot of lives run on self will. I've seen them that were financially successful. I've seen some people I would love to trade wallets with,

but I wouldn't trade hearts

because I've seen them. I've seen them with a lot of money that don't smile.

I have not seen the life run itself. Well, that looked like a complete success to me. Have you? This is a quite I'm saying again, this is how I present this to a new guy in recovery and new guy is someone I'm sponsoring for the first time. Even if he's got more time than I do, he's still new to me. And this is how I present it says on that basis, we're almost always in collision with something or somebody, even though our motives are good. Collision. Bam, bit, metal, broken glass, blood screaming. That's collision.

That's different from like mild disagreement on rare occasion

collision. And then it says, astoundingly enough, even though our motives are good,

I've been hearing people in meetings for 24 years say check your motives. And here it says very clearly that won't work.

I hear a lot of popular stuff in the Fellowship that seems to be in direct conflict with what the text says. It does tell me in two places to check my motives. It says if I'm going to bed with somebody as my motive. Selfish. It says when I'm going where they serve booze, do I really have a good reason to be? It's the only place it tells me to check my motive. Everywhere else it tells me principle.

This is my perspective on on that is that Prince. When I operate from motive, I'm actually playing God. It's one of the ways I play God because with motive, I'm making it come out the way I think it should come out,

and that's playing God. When I operate from principle, I'm doing what I think God wants me to do, irrespective of result. That's how I turn it over to Him as I use His means. It's that simple. And I got this lesson. I'm a Commission salesman. I call on major accounts. That's what I do for a living. I had a customer at a major account who was, he was putting a lot of money in my pocket, and he could have tripled that by adding items. We were close personal friends. This guy was a Lutheran. I still don't know what that means.

We didn't because we had spiritual discussions like I have with you guys, but not a religious one.

So I really don't don't know much about that religion, but I know about his spirituality and he knew about mine. Our wives, our friends were guessing each other's home. I am close to this guy. I got a phone call from him and he says my wife just given birth. It's two months early and the news from the hospital is not good. He says, would you come down here and pray over this child? I said you bet I would. I got my car and I drove to Vanderbilt Hospital. I can remember pulling up the parking lot, doing what I've been told, checking my motives, right? And I can't answer the question.

I can't tell you. I can't tell me honestly

down there to prayer for this child to bring spiritual relief to this family. Or am I going down there to prayer for this child to look good to the old man so he'll put another couple $100,000 a year in my pocket? I cannot answer the question and I believe this. When I can't get an answer, one of two things is in place. I've either asked the wrong question and the right question on the wrong day. Still the wrong question

or, or it's OK that I make a mistake here because all of my lessons can't be learned without mistakes. See, I'm not supposed to be perfect. I'm supposed to make mistakes. It's my assignment. We'll talk about that when we get into step four. And sometimes I have to make a mistake and live with the results so that I can learn. And I volunteered. I gave God the carte blanche. I prayed the third step prayer and I meant it. And that means I've also volunteered to make mistakes and go through things so maybe somebody else can watch it who couldn't have gone through it so that they can get a lesson. You see, I signed on for that too,

and I don't know. And so I sit there in that car and I don't have any time. I know it's the right question. It's the right day. I need to know right now. And I said, Father, I need some help here, please. I'm not going to ask you to believe this came from God. I want you to know that I believe it. And the next thing that came into my mind was a very clear question. And the question was this. Going into a hospital to pray over a sick child? Violate any of your principles

and the answer was no. Then go ahead and do it, because there are no right, no wrong reasons for doing the right thing.

There are no wrong reasons for doing the right thing. There are likewise no right reasons for doing the wrong thing. Page 42

Last two lines Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems. I got to get out of the motive business. It gets me nothing but trouble. Page 6012 Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Alcoholics, and they have good motives in all our affairs.

Now what it says and motive and principle are frequently opposed.

I've got to get out of the motive business because it makes me crazy. I operate from principles. How I do it his way. I'm blue collar. I'm not in management anymore. I'm not responsible for the result. I'm responsible for my own action. There's a huge lesson for me. Maybe one more example. I'm going to turn this over to Bob for a few minutes.

Interesting story. These two married people were in good shape financially. They both had great jobs. They had plenty of vacation time. Their kids both played in the high school band. They had band practice that afternoon on a safe ride home,

and they decided to spend an afternoon in a motel because it felt to them like they had lost the spark from the early part of their relationship. They thought they might regain it that way. At which I was, everybody says, pretty good motive. We got to be in good shape with this, right? Did I leave out the detail that they're not married to each other? Did I miss that part?

Yeah. Details. I am capable of that kind of thinking. If I go with motive fellow I used to sponsor, it was we were sitting in a meeting one time and there was a New Girl in town who in our meeting she said, I've just moved here from wherever gorgeous young lady. And he leans over and he says, I think I'm going to get a map of the city and mark some of the better meetings for her and, and give it to her after the meeting, you know, try to help her get started. Well, in Nashville, a A and I said, I think that's a really good motive. But I noticed there's a guy that just moved here too once

to him and his face just fell.

I got to make sure I'm not given the map to the New Girl. That gets me nothing but trouble. So I do so much better when I operate from principle rather than motive. It's one of the reasons I need a sponsors to help me differentiate.

Bob. Thank you, Scott. Good morning. I'm Bob Darrell. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Bob,

The 12 by 12. It says the effectiveness of the whole AA program rests on what we're talking about this morning. This,

this ability to or commitment to or being convinced that we must make this decision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God.

In in 1978, my first couple months of sobriety, I was in a meeting

and I,

I was in a meeting and I shared something at the meeting that got this old timers attention. He cornered me after the meeting and he said to me says Bobby says you, you've got to take Step 3.

And I'm looking at the wall where they have the 12 steps and reading the step. And I said to this guy, Joe, I said, Joy, I can't take Step 3.

And he said, why not? I said, because I don't really know if there's a God or not. He said, you don't have to believe in God to take step three. I said, Joe, it says we made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. I not only don't I understand God, I don't even know if there is one. He said you don't have to believe in God to take step three. I said, I I don't get it. He says, listen, Kitty says, I'll make you promise if you'll turn your will and your life over to this.

And he points to a chair in the meeting room. He says, I guarantee you an instant miracle. So I said, OK, I turn my will, my life over the chair. What's the miracle? He says, oh, the miracle would be your life's no longer in the hands of an idiot.

When he said that, I didn't even get my feelings hurt. I just thought, yeah, that'd be right

because if you'd have followed me around and observed me the last couple years as maybe your family or loved ones or Co workers of observed Jew, if they could really see what was going on with you, whoever watched you would easily come to the decision and the conclusion that whoever's making decisions for this person is out to destroy them. And yet inside of me, my ego defends everything I've ever done, no matter how self-destructive.

I can't see it. In 1978, after seven years of relapsing, when he said that to me, there was number defense. I didn't defend myself. My ego had been pushed out of me just enough that I was able to go, yeah, that'd be right. That'd be right.

I think to move closer to God is not to move closer to God so much as to move away from me, right. It's it and, and, and this whole thing is moving it. It, it's my friend Sandy says his sponsor told him. He says why don't you just turn your will in your life or whatever will take it.

That's no problem, right? There's no right. I mean, if you can find something to take it, you're, you've lucked out, man.

I mean, because when you, when you think about it, if you look at your life objectively, if you stand back from it, I mean, what do we what do the problem, the problem I face in the book says the Alcoholics problem lies mainly in his mind. Well, when I'm afraid, when I'm frustrated, when I'm at conflict with life, I don't know about you guys. What's the first thing I'd you do? Is probably the first thing I do

think

I returned. I turned towards the source of the problem, trying to get an answer right.

Einstein said one time that

a mind that creates a problem cannot solve it,

and I am the source of all my problems.

And I was very lucky to have gotten just enough of me kicked out of me that I could. I didn't defend myself when people in a A said something. I was the defender, the explainer, the justifier and the rationalizer.

And I, I was able to stand there and when he said that and just go, yeah, you're right.

I've had two problems with Step 3. Minor problems. Step one and Step 2.

Basically when you got step one and Step 2, step three is automatic. There's nowhere else to go. There is nowhere else to go. You'll you'll turn your will and your life over to a chair. Anything because you're stuck

and you can't fix it. Nobody else can fix it. You've tried everything on the horizon and here you are.

There's nowhere else to go.

I think sometimes the ABC's, if you got A, I think A A + B = C Sometimes

if I really get that I was alcoholic and I could not manage my own life. And I am is, the book says, convinced, being convinced. If I'm convinced of that,

and I'm convinced that no human power,

if I got both of those things, what's left? Maybe there better be something that could, and I'm better seek it. Whatever it is, there's nowhere else to go.

One of my favorite authors, he says that what's it? Well, what's it? I encourage the guys I sponsored. What's to think about what? How does a surrendered person act?

Get a vision of that, Because they're going to be times when your head's attacking. You got to act like that guy, not you, right? How does a surrendered person conduct himself in life? How, how would I respond to this scary situation? If I really knew that I was in the hands of God?

How would I respond? One of my favorite authors says that I travel a lot. You know, when you travel a lot, it's it's like, I think the airlines could create forced surrenders periodically. I mean, you don't have much choice, right? And Kurt Vonnegut, one of his books said he said that unusual last minute drastic changes in travel plans or dancing lessons from God

am I able able to go with the flow. I can measure my distance from my surrender sometimes by my how willing I am to turn change me to fit the things that are occurring that aren't my idea and I don't like

I can. I can measure if I am. If I'm the guy

who's angst over that, well, that's a measure of my distance from God and my distance from my own surrender.

I I came to alcohol exonomous with this in our book talks about our spiritual kit of tools that have been laid in our feet and it's laid at our feet because I got one. My toolkit has two tools. I hammer in a crowbar, right? That's all I got

and it's maybe some duct tape if you'll sit still. I mean, I got, that's about all I got. And I've, I've had to pick up some different things.

It's funny how

in

19/19/78

my my abstinence was so much less painful

then every time I got sober before.

And what I've discovered is that pain does not come from change. It comes from my resistance to change.

That's where that's what pulls at me and hurts me, is that I'm the his life is, is moving the flow of life and God's will is moving in One Direction and I'm trying to go to the other. That's very, very painful.

Page 62 a very one of the most and to me was one of the most crucial paragraphs.

My sponsor got on a kick for

a long time in my early sobriety where it seemed like whatever I asked him, he would say, well, just go read page 60 through 63.

And now what I learned over the years is I have the guys I sponsored take a pencil and go through that part of the book and cross out all the plural pronouns and put it a first person pronoun. So in other words, an ABC says we we were alcoholic. No, I was alcoholic and could not manage my own life. And I haven't changed it to first person because when I first started reading this, it's all in the, it's all in the third person.

So it's like about you,

right? And I could see it was about you. I could see there were people in a that were self-centered and they were trying to run the whole show. I mean, I could really see that very clearly.

I figured my sponsor wanted me to read this side no, so I could straighten out.

And it's funny, there's a line in the 12 by 12. It says that we were, we will be quick to see our defects and others and slow to see them in ourselves. And one day, the one day some magic happened in my life. And sometimes spiritual magic happens when when spiritual principles meet spiritual pain. I was having one of those kind of days where I was just I, I was getting crazier and crazier by the minute. One of those kind of crazy days where there's nothing

really big going on to justify the angst that's incurring inside of me. But it's one of those days where I go to work and the customers are just kind of annoying, you know what I mean? They're all very self-centered. They all want a lot of attention, you know what I mean? And my boss is, is just very, it's just he doesn't understand all the things I do for him. I'm not really appreciated. I can see him, he's taking advantage of me. I'm working harder than all the other

employees there and,

and as the day goes on, every, every little interaction with someone, it's like a tightening of a spring in the pit of my stomach

a little tighter, a little tighter. I get off work and I'm secretary in a meeting that night and I have to stop by the grocery store to get some Styrofoam cups for the meeting. I'm in a hurry. I'm meeting a new guy at the meeting. So I'm kind of on a mission from God and I go to the grocery store, I get the Styrofoam cup packet. I get in the the 13 item or less line, that express line, and there's a woman in front of me with 15 items. I counted them twice.

The second time I'm counting them. I'm pointing at each at each item right now. Now I want to choke her, but what here's what I really want to do. I really want to go back in the office. I want to get the manager. I want to pull him out here. I want to make him count the items and then point at the side, right? That's what I really, but I'm in a hurry of this, so I'll just slow me down And I just like it's like the spring titer and tighter. I get out of there. I get in traffic.

There's I get behind a woman who is driving 5 miles an hour below the speed limit. My head is going to explode. I have thoughts of of flooring it, slamming into her or both die. But she'll realize, right? I mean, you know, I'm insane. I'm insane. I get to the meeting. My new guy's there. He's there waiting for me. I tell him where to sit. I tell him where to sit.

I I get the literature all laid out that the I wait for the perfect two guys to come in to chair this meeting to give my guy the message of hope he's needs.

I tell a guy, the one guy said, listen, we're not going to read chapter 5. We're going to read got a new guy here going to read chapter 3. You know, people in a you're just when you're a nut case, they just shrug their shoulders and go, yeah, whatever, you know, right.

So I'm I'm laying this out. I could picture this guy getting a year mentioning my name.

The meeting starts and they read chapter 3 and the chairperson says does anybody have anything they want to share? And some guy evidently just out of treatment

stray Z's hand, he starts talking about shooting heroin. Another guy in the meeting cuts him off and says you can't talk about that. This is alcoholic's armus. Somebody else jumps in and says hey, wait a minute, this he can talk about anything he wants to talk about and it's instantly the meeting from hell. You know what I mean? It's it's horrible. And I'm sitting there and I'm fuming. After all I've done,

right? No one's ever done so much for so many, so often for so little.

And I am like, I'm I'm ready to quit Alcoholics and I'm just because I'm the only one here that really sees the spiritual truth here, right? And I'm I get the meetings over, I throw the literature in the bag and storm out of the meeting and I

go home and like Pavlov's dog, I call my sponsor because I've been trained to do that. My sponsor says read page 60 through 63.

I listened to what I found.

The bottom is page 60,

he says. I'm I'm like the actor

who wants to run the whole show is forever trying to arrange the traffic, the people in the grocery store, the customers, the other employees, the people sharing in a

in his own way.

If his arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as he wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including myself, would be pleased and life would be wonderful. And for the first time in my life, I saw it was me and I got to tell you something until I could put that on and wear it. Alcoholics Anonymous is just information. It's just academic. It never gets into here. There's a place in in step one where it talks about where this

happens and it says it starts out with step one saying we learned we had to fully concede, not intellectually to our innermost self. That's why Alcoholics Anonymous in the 12 steps is not an academic process. It's an experiential process. It has to happen in here. And we all know people who could memorize the book, who could tell, who could put on a fantastic step workshops.

They got it up here, but they don't get it down here.

And why would why? What happens? Well, the ego, if you're like me, the ego chooses its weapons wisely

and, and the ego will take the big book, it'll take spiritual principles, it'll take the traditions and it'll use them to feel smugly superior and to be in control. The ego doesn't care what it uses. And, and people that do that, they don't know that they're doing that because they know that they can, they can back it up. They can show you page numbers,

but aren't they really separating themselves from others?

Egos cares about its own self. Grand Iseman and that's it.

And this part of the book really starts to talk about the enemy,

because if I'm going to know what I'm moving towards, I need to move, know what I'm moving away from,

what has been running my life. I remember Chuck Chamberlain one time, he was unbelievable. He stood at the podium in the middle of his talk and he looked out at the audience and he's rubbing his hands together and he's looking everybody in the eyes. He took about 3 minutes to do that. He says what controls you?

They looked at somebody else. He says what controls you? And he looked at me. I got chills.

I knew something was driving me, I just didn't know what it was because I felt like something had been driving me all my life.

What was what? What? What driver am I trying to get away from? I know where I'm true supposed to go. I'm supposed to go towards God,

but I if I'm gonna and I think the same thing is true in the realm of the spirits. It's that's true in the realm of the fellowship. In order to stay in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I've had to learn the roads out of AAI, get an I know what it looks like to leave a a

everyone, and you've got to learn how to leave a A in order to stay here. How do you leave a A1 judgment at a time,

one compromised principle, one little more inundation of self and one moving away from helping others and moving towards helping yourself.

If I'm going to learn how to stay in the fellowship, I've got to learn how to leave. And if I'm going to learn how to move towards God, I got to learn how to move away from me. It's a, it's a funny deal. And on page 62 it, it starts to talk about the root, really the root of my problem. And it says selfishness, self centeredness that we think is the root of our troubles. Now

it's going to uses the word self a lot in this book.

On the bottom of page 61, the first line in the last paragraph, it equates ego and self when it says our actor is self-centered, egocentric. So ego centered and self-centered. The according to the book, they're equating them as being the same thing.

So if selfishness, self centeredness is the root of my troubles, that means that everything else comes from that and and that that's going to prove to be true in the fourth step when we see when we start looking for manifestations of self which had defeated us.

Everything

that is my problem is connected with self. Everything. The problem with self righteousness

is self.

The problem with self justification is self

is that I got the wrong driver.

Selfishness, self centeredness that we think is the root of our trouble. I had a hard time seeing that and

and I consider I give always considered myself bright. I had a high IQ. I don't know what I must have drank it, drugged it and drank it up or something because I sometimes I'm a knucklehead man. I don't know how I could sit in meetings and listen to people talking about self centeredness and sit there and the honest thing I remember like yesterday, sit there and think to myself, well, I'm at least I'm glad I don't have a lot of problems, but I'm glad I don't have that one. I mean jeez, I'm not self-centered.

I don't, I thought self-centered people

we're confident. I thought self-centered and self confident were connected. I thought self-centered people thought they were better than everybody else and I secretly felt like I was worse than everybody else. I, I had a wealth of shame within me and so I don't think I'm self-centered. What I don't realize is that I even though I think very poorly of myself, I do it constantly.

I am centered on myself

and I was sitting in a meeting and some woman is sharing. And you ever sit in a meeting where they should go around the room to share? If you have ever been a meeting like that and you're like me, you don't, you're not really, you're daydreaming. You're not really paying attention to what starts to get close to you right then you start listening and this woman is sharing and she used the term. She said she went through life totally self absorbed. And I'm sitting there and I'm thinking about what I'm going to say,

what you're going to think about, what I'm going to say,

how I should sit while I'm saying it. So I look like I know what I'm talking about. I'd been thinking prior to that about my job, my finances, my love life, my feelings, my past, my future. And when she said self absorbed, I like I got it. I'm totally absorbed in myself.

I think underneath the obsession with alcohol, drugs, anything else, there's the granddaddy of all obsessions.

Aren't I first and foremost obsessed with myself, My feelings, my security, my well-being? What you think of me,

me, me, me? I think the theme song of Alcoholics Anonymous should be

aye, aye, aye. Me, me, me, me, me. You know, I was just like, I don't know about you. I wake up in the morning. What's the first thing I think about me? Pretty much.

I don't wake up wondering about you

unless it has to do with me. It has to do with me. I'm wondering about you a lot. Wonder. Wonder what you can do for me. Yeah, What you can do for me?

So selfishness, self centeredness that we think is the root of our troubles.

Most of my life, when I wasn't drinking, I felt like I lived in a world that I was disconnected and apart from almost at times, sober and social gatherings where it would seem like there's some sort of invisible yet impenetrable barrier between me and life itself. Something I could not surmount or breakthrough. And everyone else on the other side of the window. The barrier is all connected in a part of

having a wonderful time. And then there's me.

And there was a time in my life where four shots of tequila and the barrier would go away and I'd be free and I'd feel like they look.

And then his alcoholism progressed, and I lost the ability to do that. The book says we know a loneliness such as few do because I can't get out-of-the-box. No more alcohol in the later years had stopped relieving me of the bondage of self. And alcohol was a very spiritual tool at one time. And you know, the word alcohol is referred to as spirits,

and the word spirit comes from the Latin. It means the breath of life,

which is when you take your first drink after days of absence. You ever go to have that feeling of

the breath of life

and somehow

it in the early days when the hook was set, alcohol relieved me of this self obsession. It freed me and we all remember those times

when a guy like me who doesn't really care about anybody, doesn't fit, cannot connect, and I can't even listen to other people. After 5 drinks, man. I just love everybody. They're about 5 drinks, man. I'm there for you, man. I'm there for you,

really and truly. I can hear you.

Right here now.

And then I'd sober up and I'm back into the I'm back in the jail cell again, right? I'm back being a prisoner locked up in me.

So if you're this is the root of our troubles. And then it says we're driven. And oh man, I felt driven most of my life. Driven by 100 forms of fear.

Well, I don't know if there's a hundred, but there's a lot.

Remorse is fear. Sphere of retribution for what you think of me. Fear of being found out, Fear of being caught. Guilts, fear. Apprehensions. Fear. Anxiety is fear. Worry is fear.