The 9th Fellowship of the Spirit NY in Queens, NY

And I'll give you Pete from New Jersey.

We went from God to shoes this morning. This is not good.

My name is Pete. I'm a recovered alcoholic.

God separated me from alcohol June 23rd, 1988 and my Home group was a Vision for You group in Union, NJ. We meet Thursdays at 7:30 to 8:45.

One of the founding members of that group. I'm really grateful to be a part of that group.

Hopefully when we grow up one day we can be like Chris's group.

Most people in my town of Union, NJ hate us. We refer to as that group,

those people and that guy.

We have some people from Union trickling in,

you know, when they come in for the first time and they want to check us out

and the speakers speaking and looking around to see if we have like, you know, weird kind of haircuts or something. What are they doing? They go in the backroom and boil water and pray over to something.

They're looking us with serving Kool-aid and things like that.

A little slow there.

More coffee,

but we have a lot of folks from outside of union coming down and we're just a few years old. We had a a third anniversary and we had 100 people there about and Barefoot Builders Archives presentation and me and a few other guys looked at each other says wow, we're really doing this

and we're talking about a solution. No profanity in my Home group. We we have step meetings. People share their experience from the big book Alcoholics Anonymous on this step. We're not interested in a drunk a log. We tell the speakers take the drunkalog to the diner. We want to hear about how you recovered from alcoholism and what's really I, what I've watched over the last few years is the sponsor has a prospect who has a prospect. See that's going on

and you'll get there 6:00 for 7:30 meeting. And I'm usually downstairs if when I'm there working with a couple of people up in the backroom, there's a couple of guys working doing a little workshop in the kitchen. There's a couple of guys there

and the only place I've ever experienced that is a Tom Needham group out. I was called a Way Out group and I'll call to Come to Believe group. They meet in Staten Island at 70730 and we would show up at Mount Loretta on a Sunday night for 7:00 meeting or whatever time it was and an hour, hour and a half before time. It would be open ground like this. It'd be threes and twos and fours with the book, going through the book and coming now into the meeting and bringing that into the meeting. The meeting was on fire. One of the greatest groups ever belonged to

so at my group, A vision for you group this is create the fellowship you crave and that's what has happened. It really came out of a resentment in a coffee pot, but that's I was going to meetings in union. As soon as I walk in, I says, don't pick on him,

don't ask him to share.

And so I would go home and have to write a lot of inventory and they don't like me in union. I'm going back to Staten Island. And but I sought counsel about perhaps it's time for me, you know, to take the bull by the horns here and start a group. And after much meditation and, and, and some contemplation, like, what is it about me? Or am I really trying to serve a newcomer? What's my intent here? And I got real clear that my intent was to serve

as I do in almost every hour of my life. My life. My life is of invitation.

Anyone who's close to me knows that my life is one of invitation.

And so I sought counsel and I spoke with my sponsor and I said, mark what? You know, what do? What do I do with this? Here's my dilemma.

And he says we'll start a group, it's about time I've started some and next thing I know I had 3-4 guys with me and we found the church and we got a night and off we go. And it happened like that.

Before go any further, I just want a heartfelt thanks to the guys at Fellowship with a Spirit for putting this deal together so we can give it up for them for all the hard work they did this weekend.

And

and a heartfelt thanks to my dear friend Beth with Bill and Lena for all the work they've been doing and giving out tapes and all that stuff.

Bill is a gem. Topics Anonymous if you know him.

I was listening to Chris and I'm watching. I watch. I work with words like watch or wear, turn, observe, but I watch. I watch What's going On and

Sunday morning, you know, listening to Chris and

putting up with me for the next hour and getting here and being excited about this stuff and what I thought it was. But a lot of us think of when we attend a meeting on a Sunday morning, Sunday mornings, what time is it's a little after 10 here. We're usually still out somewhere, some after hours join or just coming home or nursing a hangover and get out of my sight. My head's on sideways. Just leave me alone, right?

Or in gel and handcuffs and things like that. Had a lot of Sunday mornings like that. And I had a lot of Sunday mornings where I'd still be running through the streets at the Lower East Side, Sunset Park, Brooklyn, you know, looking for

a quick buck to keep it going

like that. And Sunday mornings were my worst mornings, my absolute worst mornings of any day to week. Getting fired up because basically everything was shut on Sunday mornings except for the normal people who are out buying bagels and coffee and they're taking a dog for a walk. And I hated them, you know,

And I remember one day I was, I don't know how I wound up in, I think it's Dyker, Dyker Heights, Brooklyn. I think that's where I was. And I don't know how I wound up there, but I was three days on a drunk and I looked apart. It was filthy. And, you know, you're groggy. And that whole I'm trying to explain this to drunks, you know what I'm talking about.

And um,

I'm thinking, should I call home? Better not do that. And where am I going to get money? And I needed money right away. And out of this fancy apartment building comes this guy with his dog and he's walking his dog and I'm just kind of like vegetating on a corner, swaying and thinking. And then he goes into a store and comes out with his coffee and the Sunday morning paper. He had his sunglasses on. And I called him every in my mind, every four letter word I can.

I hated that, you know, people getting out Sunday mornings, mowing the lawn and doing the whole Sunday morning summer deal, right? And I'm walking around shortly before I got sober. I'm walking around with a turtleneck in May, June that I hadn't taken off and I don't know how long I hadn't bathed on how long. I had Gray kind of work pants that were blood stained and soiled and construction boots with holes in them. And I had a like a windbreaker kind of jacket with two big pockets and one I used to keep

stuff I needed to pop in my arm within the Mr. Boston BlackBerry Brandy here. And that's how I that was my that was my thing for that. It was dressed. That's how I went. And,

you know, you get this feeling like, when's this going to stop? Look, look at my condition. But I would see these civilians doing that deal. And I hated them. I despise them so much for living this, what appeared to be this nice life. And there was a part of me deep down inside that wanted to be like that so bad. What is it like to get up on a Sunday morning head on straight greeting today,

not coming to a terror, bewildered and frustration and despair

and running through the streets and being completely detached from anyone that you care about. And well, God separates me from alcohol a short time after that and I remember I got my was sharing the other night or yesterday about my first apartment and moved into this. I was first living with my brother, sleeping on his couch. My youngest brother, my kid brother puts me in his apartment and I'm sleeping on the couch and

he gets an apartment in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn and managed to, with some help, a family get some bucks together.

And you know, in Brooklyn, you pay off the, there's no apartment, So you pay off the landlord. Then suddenly the apartment appears, you know, one with the view, you know, and that's what I had to do when I got this little studio and I walked in there that, that the first night and a friend gave me a sleeping bag and there was really, there was nothing in the place when you first move in. There's nothing out of sleeping bag. But I had a big book and I had a book that I walk with from my religious community book scripture. And I got some a, a bumper stickers and I put them on the door.

And I had something that represents my higher power and I put it above the door. And I made,

I made my prayer that night. I went to sleep in the sleeping bag. And I was in the Taj Mahal. I was in paradise. I was sober as part of Alcoholics Anonymous. My life was already changing. I was sleeping in a duffel bag. And what do you call a sleeping bag? And I remember the first experience with a Sunday morning in this place.

There was a bagel store right on right off the corner from this apartment where I lived, right. So I went down and bought myself corks. I have a coffee pot. It's coffee.

And I went to the store and I bought a dozen bagels. I live alone, but I bought a dozen bagels. Bag this big, you know, I had the paper under my arm and I walked out of the bagel store and I'm looking up to the heavens and thanking God for that.

Finally legitimate. You know,

so God was transforming my life long before I even like got it.

And what I found over the years was

there's many times we walk this path and we think, and I've gotten lots of questions over the weekend. We kind of think like we're alone.

I'm praying to my God and I just feeling really alone

and I've had many of those moments. We hit the desert and

you left me again. There's a great piece of not literature, but it's called footprints. We've all read it and true words were never written

because during those times where I really felt like I, I'm been left here, I'm alone. I'm never getting through this, around it, over it. I went through a divorce a few years ago, lost everything in the external world was removed from me, from money to home, you name it. And I, my God, you know, where do I go? And

I got through with dignity and got to the other side and landed safe and protected. Part of this deal, guys are always with me.

And it was all OK.

And what I found over the last 19 years is many times I thought I was alone again. You know, I, I, I knew it, man. I knew I wasn't worthy of God. I just knew it. That's what my internal dialogue would say. All that stuff you're doing is a, is a facade. God really knows you're a loser. And he left you, my sponsor said, Pete, he says you have the worst judge living in your head that I've ever heard before.

He says mine is bad, yours is ruthless. And the things my mind tells me, that's why I hold to this stuff for my life, because I know where my mind takes me to. And it would tell me like, you know, God's left you. He really found out about you and something would happen. I said no, no, God loves me. And that's happened over and over and over again. Ioffer that because

I've had some questions come to me, some comments, you know, during the little breaks here. And I know we get that

where all the work we're doing, we feel like we hit a desert and God's not paying attention. Trust me, he is. He'll deliver when he sees fit.

And when we're not getting that rock concert, you know, we all pray. Meditate, OK, Rolling Stones time, you know, Charlton Heston on a mountain, I'll go out and park the seas. I'll stop the traffic. I'll open up the Expressway. Because I'm me, right? I just meditated.

But sometimes we plow the field with chopped wood and carry water. Plow the field, chop wood, carry water, chop wood, carry wood. Just do. We do our chores, we do the laundry, we take care of the kids, we take care of the pets. We go to work, we take our kids to school. We pick them up after practice. That stuff, what appears on surface to be very mundane, you know, going shopping, you know, getting the milk and the eggs and preparing dinner.

That's what we do.

Compared to coming out of a black guy after three days in filthy clothes with holes in my shoes, wondering what did I do? Go into the supermarket is a great thing.

You know, cleaning out the litter box for my cats is a great thing

because I slept in the tombs on the floor waiting to see a judge too many times.

Cleaning out a litter box or taking the kids or studying with them after practice or putting up with some of the challenges we meet at work and with families is a blessing. I get to do that

compared to the way I was living. It's a blessing and I'm real clear on that.

My internal dialogue shows up every now and then. It does. The difference between when it used to show up and where I currently am is I've been able to get unhooked from it. I'm not identified with my thinking mind anymore. Everyone smile that creeps into the back door and pretties up a junk. I said well this sounds good and I take a step in. I says here we go again get unhooked and disidentified from the thinking mind. My thinking mind and probably many of yours will destroy us. It's out. It's a

making machine. It's out to just level me once again. Its mission, my thinking mind, its mission. Whichever way it's going to get me is loaded is to get me loaded again. And then it wins. And on the way to a bottle, it will level me and everyone in my path. It's called untreated alcoholism. I've been able to disidentify with that and stand free. I was reading something and and the pupil went up to his to the master to to his teacher and says, how do you know if you're awake And The

Who was something like when there's no internal dialogue, no voice is going on. The voice is a simple. Well, First off, they're probably hopping to someone. I know layoffs from here to Vegas. There's a few of us sitting here going 1030 traffic Grand Central Parkway. I hope he shuts up to get ahead of traffic. All right. What's the traffic going to be like when I get home? She's going to complain because I've been at a conference for three days now,

right? We're not here,

not here. Tomorrow's work Monday. Who wants to go to that job? I hate my boss. What if I shoot him? Would God find out?

Right, Right.

That's while we're here, right? Then you get in the car, you know, get up to work tomorrow morning, right? And six, 7:00 in the morning, you're on the train, you're in the car and you're going to work. Got to be there at 8:00, at 6:00 in the morning and the dialogue has been running.

It's going before later on. What's going to happen? I hate them. They hate me. If they start, I'm quitting. I'm getting a new job. And if she starts when I come home and that guy at the Home group with his big book, I hate him. And it just doesn't, it doesn't stop by the way. There's no like pausing like the the mind doesn't say I need a break. No, it just keeps going right. Wake up at 6:00. Chris talked about greeting the day. The voice in the head says you're late.

I just woke up. You're late. Those other AAS have got up at 4, you're up at six. You're lazy. So and so you know right

when that stuff happens, do I run with it? Do I get unhooked from it and dis identify from it

because that internal dialogue is running my day? Trust me, I'm never present. I'm never with breath. Nourishing my body, each breath clear on breath and presence. I'm all over. And I go back to how you doing? Curtis asked me. I'm doing it. Fuck. I'm great. Fine. Doing good, doing great. He's talking to me and I'm worried about something that happened six months ago. All right, you're talking to me. I got an answer for you. You're not even done yet, but I have an answer for you,

all right. Internal dialogue, thinking mind, great commercial minds. A terrible thing to wish. You ever see that commercial

for really neat 'cause mine's a terrible thing to waste. For me, an alcoholic, it's a great thing to lose,

right? See, my book is really clear what my thinking is cleared of wrong motives, my thought life is placed on a much higher plane. They knew what they were doing. They wrote this book. They knew about internal dialogue. This was not something we just invented this weekend.

They knew about the thinking mind. The main problem for alcoholic centers in a mind, not the body specifically. We're hitting booze. But let's talk about the thinking mind. That's my main problem. It's the trouble making machine. It's relentless, it's obsessive, it's compulsive. It does not stop. And how many times during a day am I identified with my thinking mind,

you know?

So I start off my day

and this came to me rather than from me when I was first getting soap. I was brand new in AAA and I woke up and was the first time we didn't curse the day like I used to. Why are you letting me see another day? The torment, you know, come to in terror. And I and I and I and I woke up one morning and I was grateful for a day. And I remember as I opened my eyes getting clear. And I thank you, Father, for this day.

There was a shift in consciousness,

and I'd been doing that ever since.

I wake up, the very first thing I do, the very first thing that comes to me, excuse me, is thank you, Father, for this day. There's a couple of little talk I have with my God and then I go about my business and I go do my practice

and my morning practice. And my evening practice has evolved. It's changed over the years. It started with two minutes of prayer in the morning, which two minutes of meditation after prayer in the morning. And the two minutes felt like like I was doing a 20 year bid in Rikers Island or something. Like, that's only one minute, one more minute,

you know, and a woman outside of Alcoholics Anonymous who was on this path for many, many years taught me how to meditate. See, a lot of times in alcohol synonyms, we assume that the newcomer knows about prayer meditation. We assume that all of us know about prayer meditation. We don't. We can't just do that. OK, kid, you're going to start your 11 steps, So you're going to pray and meditate. Like they know what they're doing. Some people, we, we have to assume that they don't even know how to pray yet. When they come to us for help, let me teach them how to pray. Let me show them what I do,

especially with meditation. Let me show you how to Med. This is what I do

as a teacher, a sponsor. My job is to teach and to sponsor. So let me teach and sponsor. Let me show you what works for me with meditation. Let me expose you to some books. Let's go to talk to some spiritual people, some religious people. We're going to be listen what they have to offer.

All right,

two minutes went to 5 minutes, 5 minutes went to about 8 minutes. And somewhere, and I never forget this goes on a timer. You know, set it. I work with two minutes for a week or two and then 5 minutes for a week or two and then 8 minutes for a week or two. And then I didn't need a timer. There's a rhythm to that, right?

And I realized a handful of years ago that I get to go meditate and there's no timer involved, and I'm not even attached to how long I meditate anymore. That's a huge attachment. I meditate 45 minutes every day.

If the house is burning down, what do you do then,

right? I don't get attached to that stuff. That's more bondage. God will keep me in there as long as He needs me to be there. And I give attention to this power in prayer, meditation, attention to it. Time for worship quiet alone

are usually meditate about 20 minutes in the morning. Sometimes it's 10, sometimes it's 45 and 50 minutes.

I'm not in control of that,

but that's what I get to do. I do the same thing in the evening, and a handful of years ago I start working on a religious practice and I get to meditate during the day. Now when I'm doing things like this, I don't have that opportunity. So I take that religious practice into my morning practice like I did this morning, right?

And here's the value in that. I'm doing one of these deals in Florida and I know I'm going to be doing this. I usually do this afternoon practice around 2-3 o'clock, right? And I know I'm going to be in a conference around two or three o'clock like this. So I go do my religious practice along with my prayer meditation for the morning. And it's this, this thing I work with. And I sit still and listen.

And something came to me like very clear was this, this, this kind of vision thing that happens to me sometimes.

And it was to call home, you know, pray for it was to pray for my family, pray for your dad, call home.

I don't. OK, pray for my family and call home. And then the phone rings and it's my brother. And I gave me some bad news on my daddy's health at the time. And I understood exactly what was going on and how important it was for me to be present with that. And thank the good Lord my dad's health is doing much better. But it was a shocker for all of us. And I again, you know, God was with me. OK, This is what you need. His your instructions for today.

Conference. Don't worry about that. I'll take care of itself. You can't show up. They'll get somebody. Right now, we need prayers for your dad.

Number one priority now, right? OK,

so I sit three times a day and I pray and meditate. And there was a time where I got real attached to the books I read. I was goof about this because you got meditation books, you know, the one page each for each day. And we have daily reflections and we have the 24 hour day book and we have, you know, men's meditation and women's meditation. And for those who are not too sure what they are, we have books for them too.

Meditation from Brooklyn

just as how you doing? Turn the page.

I'm from Jersey, it says exit 23. Turn the page.

The one in Staten Island is blank. There's nothing on there yet.

Sorry, Tom,

I but so we have all these different books and and what I would do is OK, I got all these books. I read the daily word. I read this word, I read that word. I read the 10 and 11 and here better read vision for you better read this and I had books. It's 5:00 in the morning,

right? Like, OK, I got to pray, meditate, and I got to, you know, is this chore now?

And I felt like if I missed a book, like something bad was going to happen to me. And that got old quick. And I realized that is an attachment

attached to the methodology, worshipping the methodology in the books, rather than the power I'm supposed to be worshipping all along, right? I dumped all of that. And the first time I did it, I was waiting, you know, walking around. I didn't read today. Prayer meditation has been constant. So sometimes I read, sometimes I don't. I'm currently working with another book and it's these little short stories, these one or two page short stories,

really a religious book. And that's what I work with each morning. That's where I currently am. When that gets close, it gets closed

and all it does is just enhance the experience. There's no real attachment to it.

I've had tremendous experiences with meditation, tremendous experiences with prayer. I have found through these experiences

that my God knows me and I know that I am known by the Creator,

and that was a tremendous amount of freedom for me.

One of the books I work with, there's Something. I sit and meditate things into meditation, read something and sit with it, reflect upon it,

and sometimes I was incredibly profound for me and I read it every time I get to do one of the things is from a book I read and I would sit with this. It's just to breathe and to know you are alive is wonderful because you are alive, everything is possible. Practice, continue. Don't waste a single moment. Every moment is an opportunity to breathe life. Every moment is an opportunity to experience God through your daily life. Walk in mindfulness,

making peaceful, happy steps on our planet. Breathe deeply and enjoy your breathing.

Enjoy being alive

moment to moment to moment with breath, moment to moment to moment with breath.

What a good way to live

life built upon prayer, life built upon meditation rather than a life built upon booze, other substances, resentments, and fear like I used to live.

God doesn't make 2 hard turns for those who honestly seek Him. Am I seeking His power? What's my intent? To see my Heavenly Father?

Just to experience more him. So you give me some power to go out and do whatever you got for me. I'm ready. I'm shooting up and showing up. I'm standing on the fire line. Where you gonna lead me? And sometimes I think God needs a God because I don't like what you're sending me.

I got a sponsor. Who?

Steps 10 and 11. Incredible, incredible amount of spiritual information. Just a few pages. Steps 10:00 and 11:00

and we get to step 10 and we've and we begin we've in this spiritual experience as we clean up the wreckage of our past, not by having a list of amends of 100 and we do three and expect to experience the sunlight of the spirit all the time as we clean up amends, we move into step 9 and we clean up those amends and we get rocketed into the world of the spirit. We vent to the world of the Spirit. Step 10 and step 11 in our book in general has great action words except for the one hour and in that one hour after step five, they give us some work to do. I'll book users words like

continue vigorously commenced grow turn next must go further watch at once way of living moving

moving

see there's a there's a thought and contemporary a while steps 10 and 11 all maintenance steps and that what's taken out of that and what their intent when they say that is we just hang around in 1011. Make sure nothing grows.

Make sure nothing pops up. Watch your issues and your triggers don't go into drinking is served maintenance. Another word for that, the way they're saying is, is we're in bondage of self in 10 and 11, don't move

rather than maintenance of 10/11 is caring for it, taking care of it. And how do we take care of it? Because our book says our next function is to grow an understanding and effectiveness. How am I growing and understanding and effectiveness? And one of the things we get to do is take a spot check inventory in step 10. And then, yes, there's some questions in there

as we go through our day.

It says this way of life is not an overnight matter. It should continue for my lifetime. I must continue. It says to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. Sounds a lot like Step 4, right?

When these crop up, I ask God to remove them.

I don't hang around till next week when I see my sponsor or tonight when I get to the Home group, I turn to God immediately. Turn in in order to go out. Turn in in order to go out. Turn, turn, turn in in order to go out. Discuss it with someone immediately. I have some immediately folks,

you know,

call up John. John, listen, I got this thing. I wrote a result. I can't shake it. I got to talk to you about this,

you know, rather than tonight, I'll get the Home group. I'll take up 20 minutes of group time. I'll share with that.

Or the mind says that's not that important, don't worry about it, right? And then it grows and then you get another one and then you get another one. And we wonder why we're walking into walls. If the sunlight of the spirit, if the great reality deep down within, right, talks about that in a book is within you and it's within you, it's within you and it's all of us. Well, if I have a resentment towards you, I'm blocked. If I have resentment towards you, I'm even more blocked. I have a resentment towards 20-30 people. You see how blocked I get? And I'm wondering how come I can't get that intuitiveness in here, that God,

if I'm clear, can I hear?

And my book says, well, here's how to get clear. And I will tell you, I will tell you, I've been to too many meetings and Alcoholics Anonymous where steps 10 and 11 are just such window dressing and given such poor, even even poor lip service. We sit down and take a poll of people who are practicing prayer, meditation, Alcoholics Anonymous. We cut this room down to about 20 or there's a lot of talk about it,

a whole lot of talk about it.

But those who are sitting in prayer, meditation and seeking his power and working with nightly review and discussing it with others and doing a spot check inventory, It's the minority. And that's why the minority is Chris alluded to is so awake and a majority of us are untreated or getting drunk and dying

because steps 10 and 11 where we reach this place of entering the world of spirit where it really should be, grasping all this and enjoying all of it and really living life to the fullest with this God. Many of us are just giving Idlib service because we feel good by now.

And I'm going on a reputation I've created for myself and all the people I sponsor. And I walk into a meeting and 20 or 30 people know me. They all say hello. And I use that as God. My mind doesn't tell me that. My mind says you're a spiritual person, You pray, meditate every day, look, all the people who love you. Really, I haven't hit my knees. I spent time in a meditation in a long time. But when it comes, goes around the room for me to share. I'll give you some really profound stuff.

I answer that question experientially. What's my prayer, meditative life look like? Now here's the deal. If any of us haven't prayed or meditate or need to really get improvement on it 'cause it's in poor condition, don't judge it.

Wake up to OK. I need to do more work. God doesn't make 2 hard terms. So who am I to judge you then?

Just

need to do more work, need to give more time, attention and worship to this power without intent, attention to it

and get unhooked from the self and be present. Shut down all the senses. The thinking mind.

Shut down all the senses.

Just be open to God.

My sponsor calls it growing up. Spiritually calls it emotional sobriety

once we enter the world. I've been asked this question a million times. Well, I went to the first line proposal. I've been working 10 and 11 following the book. What now? Great question.

There's lots lots of work to do. Other inspirational books,

being quick to see where religious people are right, revisiting the first line proposal. There's no lid on this. We just go. Heavenly Father says here are your spiritual wings, go, go.

And He'll always provide and I'm giving you, I'm not giving you lips. I'm really giving you experience here. I'm coming at you with experience He will always give you. I want to seek more. OK here. You know how many books I had on my bookshelf? Never touched them. And you know, Father, what do I do? And suddenly books us talking to you. You know my sponsor talking last night about a gentleman, Anthony Demello. I was given a book by Anthony Demello. I read the first few pages. I said I don't like him and I don't like this book.

I thought he was arrogant.

Anti D'amelo. Keep him away from. Don't like him, don't put it on the shelf. Six months went by. Anthony Demelle is going to read this book.

I pick up the book, the same exact book, and I can't get out of it.

Bart sent me some CDs of Anti D'amelo,

made copies sent into my sponsor. We workshop this stuff.

It met me where I was,

so I listen to that when I'm picking up a book and it's not getting me. It's OK, there's other books to read

along with. Not instead of

There's a morning practice and an evening practice with step 11 and in a morning practice does who we be through all our affairs and what we do

on awakening. We think about the 24 hours a day We consider our plans for the day. We ask God to direct our thinking. So we get us out of the way asking that God divorce our thinking from self pity, dishonest self seeking motives. Get Me Out of the way. In fact, the most profound experience of how to meditation. I was not present.

I was not present, which meant I was able to get to a place of pure consciousness. There was nothing there. Consciousness without thought,

no intellect. You know when you look at a sunrise or a sunset and you're present with that, you're there with that

tis what goes on. Wow, I'm really spiritual right now. I'm watching a sunset. A A should see me.

I'm out of the moment now. I can't wait to go share. At my Home group. I sat and watched the sunrise because I'm a guru. Intellect just got an ego stuck, you know, moving and I'm out of that. But there's a moment in there where none of that's going on and you're just at one with that sunrise or sunset, right? Or you're tending to a newborn baby and there's nothing going on. You're with the baby,

right? Or you're you're tending to some gardening. I know people do this and they're totally present, right?

There's nothing going on. That's the experience. Then something goes on. Wow, you really did a great job. I'm out

because mine got in. Our intellect got in, you know,

And watch nature look at a tree or some sort of flower. Not the ones Krish drives over, but others.

Look at a tree. There's lots of them out here. They're alive, which it's a living thing,

but they're so still,

and when the wind blows, they bend a little bit, but they're still very much alive. Got more common sense than most of us. The tree's not worried about the traffic, not worried about eating, not worried about working.

Still,

can I be like that,

right.

So step 11 is the doing and the being. And you know, I get up in the morning and go to work. You do all these things, all the things we we get to do, right? Well, how do I be in all those affairs the way experience duality and all of that stuff? You know, I'm at work so I can be a liar or cheating, a thief. I can backstab and step over people because I want to attain this goal. And my life resembles one of outer riches and inner poverty now

'cause I got the position, cutting everyone off to get there, and I'm partners with the boss now I'm partners in the firm. And I look over the wreckage of my past. I'm experiencing outer riches, but inner poverty. You know,

how am I moving through my day? I get to take care of the children. I get to take them to the games. I get to do this. I get to do that. I go with God. I go with God. I go with God. No duality. Come to an A A meeting. The same person took the kids to saga practice, the same person coming to an AAA meeting, right? I have to say, well, now I'm going to an A A meeting. Look serious and spiritual, right? And then get on the Grand Central Parkway and chase down the first guy cuts me off What? What happened? Right,

Right.

No duality. The doing and the being. And all we really need to do is clear out in order to hear and turn to God and say, OK, I'm yours. Where are you directing me? And whether I wound up on a Bowery talking at a meeting, I wound up on Park Ave. talking to a meeting. I have children. I don't have children. It's all OK. My greatest dream was to be a parent. I want children more than anything. I love children.

What a gift to just had the innocence of a baby little ones. Maybe I can say that, 'cause I don't have any. I don't know. I'm looking at some of you going. Yeah, right.

Yeah,

I always wanted to be a parent. I just something and I've tried. If you heard Thunder at night, it's me trying, you know,

all the scientific medical stuff by means like Doctor Frankenstein. Make me a baby, you know I

and no dice. No good. Ain't gonna hide it doesn't look like it's gonna happen. Perhaps, maybe one day. But I'm 48 and my girlfriend's 46 and probably not gonna happen, right? Try to my first marriage, no dice.

So I went through some uneasiness. I got a little angry with God. I went through some despair about it. But I got to a place of acceptance of what is, acceptance of what is. And I'm OK with that. I love children, if you will, from a distance. You know

their raw future and I love them. But I just won't be a parent. Perhaps one day I can adopt, but I won't be a parent.

And God has allowed me to land safely with that. And I I'm real clear on my one of my purposes in life that's been I'm really clear on some things, and one of them is my purpose on this path through my life. I know what I'm supposed to be doing, and part of what I'm supposed to be doing may not be to have children with me.

And there's going to be times we're going to have to walk alone, and I know that.

And so be it.

So be it. God allows me to land safely and be present. So.

My nightly review. Real simple stuff and it can get complicated. I've heard people complicate the heck out of this, but nightly review, it's, you know, reviewing what took place during the day. I get a pen and paper and I keep a pen and paper near my night stand

in case I get into bed and I think is something and it's gonna, you know, you got on. Got that reason. I'll do it tomorrow morning. It's not tossing and turning all night because it's in your gut. So I don't give illness that opportunity. I keep a pad and pen there and I have one on my living room table and it's very simple. It says when we retire at night. I think retiring a night meant 11:00, ready to get into bed, right?