The 9th Fellowship of the Spirit NY in Queens, NY

I never heard Doug, but I've heard Mark a bunch of times.

Umm. Doug M is from the first group in Amelia Island, Florida. I like to bring them up. Doug, come on up.

Big crowd. Hi, everybody. My name is Doug. I'm an alcoholic.

It's absolutely a pleasure being here tonight. I found out that I was going to be speaking to you all, I think yesterday when I was when I was sitting back there and they were going over the program. But it's a pleasure to be here. My wife and I who's back there, it's our anniversary coming up and we, we thought of no other better way than to be with the Bernardsville group and with you all to come here and, and to do a little fellowship.

My sobriety date is February 1st, 1995. And the way I'm going to work this tonight is I haven't done this in a while, not to speak and I do it every week. But the way that I'm about ready to present how I, how I went through the steps. There's a before and then there's an after. What happened February 1st in 1995 was that in January of 1995, alcohol testing came into my line of work.

If anybody is afraid of flying, you're going to hear some stories here tonight. You may not want to what you may want to leave right now.

I'm a retired airline captain from one of the.

Yeah.

So anyway,

retired,

I do look young. I am young. I'm 46 years old. I got on with the airlines when I was 23 years old, which was unheard of back then. I graduated with an aerospace engineering degree. And the only reason I did that was because it's the only thing I was able to do drunk. Makes sense. And so I picked a place. I'm from Paterson, NJ I just went to Florida and I went like this and I was like, that looks good. And went down there and I got into one of the top universities and. And I did it. I really did. I did a drunk and

and all that other stuff. So what happened with me was that in 1995, in January,

alcohol testing came in, thanks to the general public, of course. And that was after that Northwest deal happened when everyone was flying trunk. It's very easy to do,

believe it or not. But what happened was in December, I could not figure out my schedule for January. I just, I couldn't figure it out because instead of, as we used to say, 8 hours from bottle to throttle, it was .0012. I mean, I had hangovers that were like DWIS of like 1.5, you know what I mean? I mean, the hardest thing for me was getting to the airport in Washington, like, and then once I got on the airplane, it was all cool because then you had a whole bunch of

around you and every autopilot and all that other stuff. But

so, So what happened was I, I couldn't figure out January. So I said to myself this, I said, OK, I figure out the schedule. I get it. I get it. No more four day trips. I'll try to do these things called out and backs or a couple day trips and, and maybe the shakes will get really bad. And I mean, you know, think about this, but there's not a problem here. Not a problem. So

so I get the schedule, I figure it out, I'm ready to rock'n'roll. I I start a trip out of Washington on and I'm living in Florida so I commute. Now that may sound crazy,

but commuting for us is like driving for y'all. It's just the thing that we do in the airlines. And so January 2nd, I started out of Washington, so I thought I'd have a Calm Me Down cocktail

on January 1st because I was just so hungover from New Year's Eve. Correct. Everybody following this story so far. So I have a toddy. What happens?

What happens is my wife was sitting back there is a non alcoholic

so as it was told to me with this loony form that I went to for airline pilots down in South Miami Beach. Is that cool or what did we pick the place? Our union is powerful let me tell you that explain it like this there's a four step process to alcoholism the way we go right? We have 5 steps she has four comes in as alcohol turns to a thing called formaldehyde. You get the woo, the body says it's poison. She says, you know, we

she has this half a glass of wine thing and she puts it down and she moves forward

OK, turns into barley and hops sugar and then it comes out as water, H2O, four step process. Not with us

comes in his alcohol tourism formaldehyde. We get this whoa, and then we turn into emerald. Bam, kick it up a notch right? If one is good 20s phenomenal,

then it turns into this codeine like substance which gives us the more, the more, the more, the more, the more we're restless, irritable and discontent until we could feel the sense of ease and comfort which comes immediately from a drink. So let's go back to January 1st. I have one Toddy.

OK, I wake up February.

So

this is what happened with me. So what happened was on the second I was supposed to fly a four day trip. I told you I wasn't going to do it right, but I had it all planned. I was going to call in sick in the last two days because the shakes are going to get so bad. I had this all figured out. So then all of a sudden I wake up and it's like the 2nd and I got to get on this flight to fly to Washington and fly this year. I said there's no way I'm going to pass this breathalyzer thing. So I call in sick. So it gives me four days off of which is backed up with four days off.

So now I got eight days off and then seriously,

I remember waking up February 1st. So I'm in this house in Florida. I wake up February 1st and I'm like this

and I had no clue what day it was, but the clock was 325 in the afternoon. And I remember this very clearly because I started going in convulsions. There was feces and urine and bottles and puke everywhere all over the house and or at least the room that I was in. And I turned over and I saw a note that was left from my first wife who I had two children with. And I and I noticed the house was kind of quiet

and I looked at the note and the note was dated 3 days prior to me reading it. They were gone. I didn't know. I had no idea. And he said second paragraph. He turned out just like your father. My father died from cirrhosis of the liver. It's a very, very ugly death. I go in this convulsion. I'm an atheist at this time and I screwed God. Why have you forsaken me? I was always mellow, traumatic

class clown, class talker four years in a row. I'm very proud of that.

And this piece came from the top of my head and it went all the way down to my toes like I've never felt in my entire life. And I raised up from the bed and I don't mean I levitated, I mean I sat up in bed and

it said it's over three times my it clouded out every other thought. This piece, it's over. And this number came into my head. This is a true story.

I get up from the bed and I start walking out to a telephone. I'm not shaking. Nothing. I call up and I hear Captain Appleby Bubble bubble airline and police assistance program. I don't even know we had one. How may I help you? And I'm like, God,

holy shit, what was that?

I call it again. I call it a third time. He goes, stop. He goes, you're making me dizzy. This is a private line. I'm like, I think about alcoholic. I think I'm an alcoholic. I started January 2nd. I remember February 1st

right. Maybe I'm going over the edge too much. I shouldn't have called

and umm, with the airlines, it's like the CIA when you when you mention that alcoholic sign and then this guy was the union. So I was protected. I didn't get caught. OK, so they'll give me a chance. I didn't know that he was down in Florida within hours and he had me and he looked at me and he says it was February 2nd. And he said

you may never fly an airplane again if you continue on like this. He says if we surrender and this you got to understand folks, this is all I ever was. This is me, Doug the pilot. I was never known as Doug MI was not just Doug the pilot, all right? It was who I

who I was. I was so far removed from where I am today and I can't wait to tell you where I am today. So I said, OK, get out, get out, get out. You know, my lawyer will beat your lawyer if you tell anybody, you know, whatever. And he turned around. He said to me, you never have to live life like this again, ever. And I thought the angels were singing. I don't have to abuse my wife. I don't have to abuse my children. I don't have to abuse myself. I, I couldn't believe it. And I said let's do it.

That started my whole life. I went to a 28 day program where they send drunken airline pilots on a South Miami beach.

They love me so much. They kept me in for 72.

Man, I tell you what, I was hurting. I was hurting real bad. And as I walk into my room, this guy goes get to your knees. I said, Nah, you don't understand. I don't believe in that. And and he goes, oh, oh, okay, that's cool, that's cool. He says, do me a favor, pack up and get to the elevator. I'm like, why? He goes, you're out. And I'm like, well, why is everyone trying to throw me out of this place? Hold on a second. If I don't graduate, and I said that

if I don't graduate, I won't even be able to fly a kite.

So the guy goes get to your knees. So I get to my knees and he he says, I want you to say a prayer. And, and I said a prayer. I said thank you, you, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, effing mother. And I went off on this God thing and he looked, he goes good, good. That's a start. And he walked out of the room.

So I'm like, hey, we're all the pilots. They got me with these heroin addicts, these drug, I don't know squat about drugs. They got me with these drug addicts and everything. And, and they were just, they, they saw me come walking in the door. They must have, they were going to break this ego and they did, it took 72 days, but they did it. So it says here what happened was I got out of the the funny farm and I went back to Amelia Island and I learned one thing for $250,000,

72 days of which was not my money. I went, I went to a meeting and I learned that I had to get a sponsor. That's what I learned. OK, so I, I looked around and I didn't like you all and I said, oh, whatever. You know, I could do this for two years because I was planning on going out. So this is what I heard. You ready? This is what I heard. Don't drink, go to meetings. All right, I guess I could do that. I have no job,

so I, I, I could do that. So I was doing 4 meetings a day. I was doing institutions, I was doing these guys were just like dragging me, these old timers all over the place

office driving me crazy. They wouldn't leave me alone. So I went all over the place. 90 day chip. I'm about ready to pick up my 90 day trip and what's happening to my insides. I'm a real, I'm the real deal. I'm dying inside. I'm not drinking. I'm going to meetings and I'm working a selfish program. That's what I heard. It's a selfish program. I'm like, sign me up.

My then wife is saying to me, are you going to stay home? This is selfish programming. I'm going to

and then I kind of connected with this guy that says take your time, laddie, call me lad, take your time. You have to work the steps that step thing because I would carry this book to every meeting. I don't know why,

don't know what was in it. Read it once. The guy Bill was a loser had I didn't like it.

I love these guys. The guy goes here's the book read it. Tell me what you think. Well, I'm in a mental institution. I read it in a day. He came back the next night and I said poorly written don't understand this guy Bill what a loser. I would have kicked his ass out a long time ago right and he goes well read it to you understand it. Interesting. OK, so then this is what I learned It says because this book is the basic text for our society. I'm going to ask you this question. I got a 737 flight manual home. I'm going to give it to you all. I'm going to say, go home and read this. Come back and see me.

I'm going to put you in the left seat of that plane. Say let's mark it up. Go to LA. You'll look at me like,

all right, it's a textbook. If I could fly, you could fly. It just needs to be taught. Am I right? It needs to be taught. This book needs to be taught. OK, So what happened was back to the 90 days. I'm picking up this little trinket, Green, yellow, pink. I don't know what it was. They're giving me a trinket for not drinking. Thank you. I appreciate it.

So I'm like, I'm going for the green. It was green. It was green. That's what it was. I said I'm going for the green, I'm going for the green. And it was a Saturday and I'm sitting there. I'm waiting to pick it up because in Florida there's this thing called 5 Point Liquors, right? It's a drive through. You don't have to get out of your car. The whole left side of my car is demolished because I was too drunk to get out. So I'd hit the building, hit the building, hit the below

right. So all I'm thinking of five points like a five points like a five points like five points like I could handle this

90 days, I'm out. Why? Who wants to be an airline pilot anyway? Fly every other Tuesday, make all that money.

I'm thinking this. I take 1 drink. I'm not flying a kite. Remember that.

I had to do this for years. Think about this. Yeah, it's like 90 day. I'm. I'm not now call it. They're a little off. I was I I'm I'm missing the month of January 2005. If anyone finds it, come get me or 1995.

So anyway, I'm going out. I pick up my green chip and I'm walking out the door and this guy, Greg H from Hoboken, NJ, what is he doing on this island? He gets sober with all you guys, right? You guys, as he calls it.

So he looked at me. He says, man, you're acting more weird than usual.

He says, listen, are you OK?

What did I say? Outstanding,

right? Pete out. Phenomenal is another word I would use. Phenomenal, outstanding, phenomenal.

He looks, he goes, OK, he goes, I'll tell you what we're going to do. He goes, you. I said, I don't get this, I don't get it. I hate myself. I hate this stuff. And I just, I hear you go diarrhea all over your lap. No, you fix it, right? And he says, well, he says if you work the program of recovery, he says maybe you might get some relief. I'm like, what do you talk, dude? You drag my ass. All these jails and institutions are going to four meetings a day. He goes. You're working a phenomenal fellowship.

You're the mayor,

he says. But you have not touched the program. Like program, fellowship, whatever, right?

He starts me on this journey. He says this Tuesdays and Thursdays you will meet at my house at 8:00, 8/01 don't even show up. You lie to me once you're out. He says you got that And I was like you, I'll show you this won't work. All right, so now I'm atheist and I'm on a mission.

An atheist on a mission is a bad thing.

So I show up at I show up at his house. First thing he does is this.

I'm going to the Blackboard

Recovery,

Unity and service. OK, we have the triangle here. I thought he used to just look pretty around your neck. I almost bought one out there. I had no idea what it meant.

OK Bill, although he was a phenomenal businessman, did not come up with this. He just

TM did. He trademarked it. That's what he did. OK, this is really a Buddhist thing. It means mind, body and soul. OK, Mind, body and soul. And all three are connected. You're in perfect harmony with the universe. Makes sense. Mind, body and soul,

Bill said. Recovery, unity and service. Recovery being the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'll show you how I do that on a daily basis. Unity means the meetings,

I try to do a minimum of those a week. And service work means a A

and I started three groups, one in Charlottesville, VA, called the 1st 100 group. The next one was in Sarasota called the 1st 100 group and Amelia Island, which is called the 1st 100 group. So, so that's what I do. He promised me I would be safe and protected

in the universe if I work this on a weekly basis. I said, well, what do you mean by that? He says if you work the steps daily and I'll show you how I do that through this, which I've come up with and I do daily inventory. To this day, almost 13 years later, I still do daily inventory. My wife showed up on a resentment last night first

she's back the first time and she goes good, good. You owe me an immense

Al Anon black belt.

OK recovery service unity. All right, so I did a minimum and I take people through the steps every Saturday. If it's more than five, I bring them to my office and we bring them into the conference room and I bring them through. We break up to individual places. I know how to take people through the steps in four hours, just like Doctor Bob used to do. Okay, I do that every Saturday. Then I do 2 meetings. All right. The 12 steps I do daily inventory

through the sheet back here, which is actually through the 11 step, which we will discuss. If my fingers can get to it, I'll show it to you. And then I run the, the a, a group, the service group.

So what happened was this, So I'm sitting at this guy's house. He says we have Alcoholics Anonymous or more than 100 men and women who have recovered. Peter went over that from exceeding the whole estate of mining the mind obsession and body, the body craving to show other Alcoholics precisely exactly how we have recovered as the main purpose of this book. I thought about this and I was like, this is like a checklist, right? Not being very bright, being a self-proclaimed rocket scientist by degree, but not being very bright. I said, I can do checklists. I'm good at checklists, right? I'm good at checklists.

And so precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. I said I could do that. So what he did is he read through that. He read through those pages. We highlighted and outlined specifics. And now it started becoming clear to me. I'm like, oh, I get, is that what that meant? I get it. It's a textbook. He needed. He needed to deliver this to me. And then what happened was we got to step one. We learned that we had a fully concede to our innermost selves that we were Alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion which I had, many of them, the delusion that we are like other

people presently or maybe has to be smashed, not broken, smashed, completely destroyed. Admitted we were powerless over alcohol. When I put alcohol in my body, I got the phenomenon of craving. If you don't have that, you are not powerless out of alcohol. Please, if you like the fellowship, that's cool. Don't sponsor anybody. You're going to kill more people than smallpox. Why? Take your time, take your time. I'm almost dead. I'm on 90 days. I'm giving up a career that I worked my whole life for.

OK, That was my thought pattern. So I've ran into, Chris said. I've ran into a few hard drinkers and I said no, no, no,

you're out. You're not allowed. I'm not going to teach you the handshake. My wife doesn't know our handshake so I didn't teach him the handshake.

OK,

that our lives have become unmanageable.

You may have misplaced a car, a wallet. I misplaced an aircraft once.

Lost it.

I lost an airplane. I'll tell you that story later

OK so step one I got it I'm OK with that all right so then we start moving on and we start moving on to step two OK Step 2 I'm atheist did I tell you that I'm atheist okay can't believe their power greater than self could resource to sanity sanity about alcoholism 72 days in a mental institution walking across the street to have a toddy is not saying thinking it's not like I'm insane it's that my thoughts about.

Alcohol is insane, so he said to me. He read this to me. He said

he he said it right here. He said when we came became alcohol expressed by self-imposed crisis. What do you mean? Everybody else hosed me. I didn't hose anybody. What you talking about? We could not postpone or evade. We had to fearlessly face the proposition that God is either everything or is nothing. Either he is or he isn't. He looked me straight in the eye. Goes what's your choice?

That's easy. It's nothing, he says. OK, you're hosed.

Why does everybody? I'm hosed. I'm getting thrown out of a A now he goes no, no, no, no, no. If you don't get it, your chances are less than less than average. It's not even less than average. You're hosed. I said, well, what do I do? What do I do about this? I really didn't want to drink again. I really, I really didn't want to drink again. He says, OK, can you come to believe that the rooms have restored you to sanity? You got 93 days. I'm like, yeah, I never thought of that.

Yeah, I could do that. OK. And so then what do we do? We move forward. OK. Step 2 today in my life is everything.

Everything. My thinking is dead spot on. And I'll explain some things that have happened in my life. Dead spot on.

If you want to try something when we get to lemon step, I'll explain in a little detail with your mate. Try to pray and meditate. Wait till you see the level that you will get to on a daily basis. Of course, as long as you don't know where amends and the next day like I did. All right, then we got to this thing called step three. Being convinced we are at step three. So what did he do? He went back to page 59. He read steps one and two. I said, I don't believe in God. He's like, well, you're stubborn, That's good. I believe the number one. Step three. OK, so it says being convinced we are at

step three states that made a decision to turn our will in our lives or the care of God as we understood him. I said, no, I don't believe in that. And and and he got on his knees because you all used to do that in the beginning in the first 100 to go up to Doctor Bob's room and get on their knees. And I'm like, get up off the you're embarrassing me. Get up. My wife's, I'm like this. My wife's, you know, this is a guy who's pooping all over himself and I'm embarrassed with a guy on his knees.

So he says this third step prayer. He says, will you make a decision right now to finish the rest of the steps with me? This guy was good.

He's from Hoboken. He's a Jersey guy. No offense to New York people. He probably great in New York. I said yeah, yeah, I could do that. I could do that. OK. I make a conscious decision every morning I wake up, my wife and I read all the non denominational prayers of the big book. I have a whole list of them right here

and she reads them all. She's from Rome, Italy. That's the only thing I got out of the airlines. I picked her up on one of my flights.

Back then you were allowed to have people up in the flight deck and she was going to Rome and I was the captain and I was like, well I just found my ex-wife, my next ex-wife joking into the flight attendant and she threw her up front and I said this planes not moving to you, give me your number. And she left. I don't know if she understood English back then, but I thought it was a good pick up line. I met her three years later in Charlottesville, VA.

I hear El Capitano. I'm like Miss Italy. She had this long Italian name

and we've been attached at the hip ever since. I do not love her, I adore her. We're celebrating our four year anniversary tonight.

So that's what that's what this has given me. OK, so Step 3 then what happened was the infamous step four and and here we go. I love this one. It says here

next we launched. Now I was accepted. I was accepted into naval fighter pilot training, OK. When I got out of school, my roommate went there 15. So I was going to go into the 16 and I was going to go fly for the military. Thank God I did it. Can you imagine me in the military? I'd still be in Sing Sing or wherever they got there. And so then I was talking to my friend Billy and my roommate and I said, what is it like to be launched? You know, he says you're going from zero to 60 in a matter of feet. You're like this OK, so

I love these. Where'd they come up with a step a year next? We launched. That means.

All right, so my sponsor got up off his knees.

He took out one of these forms. I turned to the sex one. Hey, honey, how you like that one? He turns to one of these. Anyway, he turns to one of these forms and we start inventory in right there, right then next we launched. OK, next we launched. How does this work today when I fill out my tent step for an example and I did it was it was totally my gig. I had a resentment against my wife. I wrote it down and then I inventoried it under resentment. Went to my part was my part.

I was an asshole, bottom line.

I wish I could sugarcoat that one, but you can't. OK? I was a total asshole. So that's how I inventory stuff now. Daily, Daily, folks. Daily. I don't stop. I don't stop and I got a life. I'm going to cuss. My life is so good. I think I should have rainbow this morning. That's how good it is,

all right. And

and it's all from this program. It's all from doing the right thing. Now, the fifth step. I had the thing, I call it the thing. We all have the thing. Come on, I'm not the only idiot here that's admitting it. I had the thing. The thing that I'm going to take to my grave is Pete and Chris talked about I was taking it was a thing that happened in Knoxville, TN. It was a terrible thing that happened with another female. Terrible, terrible. And So

what I did is he he went right here. He says, I just want to read something to you before you start this. I had 22 pages, 4th column, zero. I had nothing. Everyone screwed me. Even that person in Tennessee host me, right? So he goes, I want to tell you why we're doing this. If we skip this final step, we may not overcome drinking time after the time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts. You're not. You're not holding anything back, right?

Do you know it does that nine times? Are you sure you're telling me everything? Have you left anything out? If you left anything out, you gonna drink 9 times all the way to page 74 And then at the end it says you must be honest with someone. I was like, OK, it happened in 19

and I told him the thing

and he looked at me. He goes,

let me tell you something. And then he told me his thing. I'm like, Oh my God, you're sick.

A priest wouldn't have done that.

That's why I sought him out. OK, Do you follow me so far? So The thing is, out I go home, I do the hour break. OK, I got ADD 15 seconds, but it felt like in three hours.

So I go home and I and I, I do, I sit and and I think to myself, Oh my God, I can't believe I told this guy my thing and I did. I told him the thing and I went home and I sat in quiet contemplation and I didn't do the hour. I got admit to you and I felt a part of you for the first time ever. I felt a part of you. I didn't believe in God, but I felt the part of you. We got together, we went over the 6th and 7th step. We went over every character defect known to man and I was 62 of them.

OK, I don't like call them defects because I don't believe God makes junk. It's things that I would rather not have in my life. We got to our knees on the 7th of which I joined him. I joined him on the knees and we did the 7th step prayer. We went right into inventory and back then I wasn't writing cards as I have on here on my sheets. I didn't have cards back then until I did like the third inventory. Now, being an airline pilot,

I can make direct demands anywhere for free.

Yeah, by this time, the airline had called me back. I got all my licenses back. They upgraded me to captain

and then I'm based out of Washington. So I get this other big book thumpers. You all kept on coming into my life. Pain in the asses. So, so the guy goes, OK, we'll, we'll go through eight. I write the list. I know you're not going to believe this. I was a a liar, a cheat and a thief. Literally. I used to steal to for, you know, alcohol. And so I I had to make a couple big amends. One was to the whole neighborhood who I used to steal from, so I'd fly to New Jersey.

Hi, Missus Sullivan, little doggie. Oh, Dougie makes good.

And before you know it, after I tell the amends I used to break it to the top window and steal for Mrs. Salvage and I'm coming up.

She's going like this. I can't believe you broke it to my house. And I'm like, Oh my God, these guys in a are nuts. I'm not doing this ever again. So I call up the sponsor. I just did. So he goes go do it's naughty. Go do Bronstein's next go do. I'm like, no,

hi Mrs. is naughty little doggie. I swear to God that lasted for two days. But this was the thing I had I always I don't know why I did this. I wore suit and tie to my immense. What was that all about?

So I wore a suit tie to these amends.

Hi, Mrs. Whitehart. Doggy. Yeah, I know. Good little doggie.

Let me tell you what I did with your daughter, and then I'm going to tell you what I did.

So I make all these amends. I fly back to Virginia, and I'm Scranton and raving. And they're like, OK, so I understand. Yeah, I understand. And then when I was done, they were like, OK, So what are you doing next week? We got your schedule here. You're free.

OK, I'm going to Minneapolis. I got to see this girl himself, you know. And anyway, so I was doing this. I was doing it every week. I was doing it. My last one was amends to the state of New Jersey, the state of New Jersey. But let me tell you what I did before that. The girl Tennessee thing, I didn't know who she was. It was a, it was a bad incident, but it where I was in Washington, there was a White House who took care of battered women. And so I went up there and I volunteered. And for six months I volunteered and I kept a low profile. No one knew me,

and this is how free I am. And Chris knows as he's been there. I own the largest nightclub restaurant in Charlottesville, VA. That's how free I am. I don't know. Nightclub. 40 different types of beers. You got to see this place at Rocks. It really does two stories. It's huge. It's a train station,

So what happened was I got on TV a few times and after about six months I walked in. She pulled me into her office. She says

you're that guy with the obnoxious commercial. It is obnoxious. I'm, I'm like, yeah, it's it's me. She's what are you doing here? And I and I, I told her the story and she looked at me and she says we forgive you.

We forgive you. I mean, I just, that still chokes me up today. So that was done.

Now I have state of New Jersey. So I fly up. I fly up to New Jersey. I call up my airline. I talk to this chief pilot. I say this is Captain Muir, I'm going to go do some jail time. The guy goes,

who's this?

That's this guy that you put to rehab for 250 G's. Oh, whoa, yeah, Captain, how are you? And so anyway, he goes, you can do jail time. And I told the story, he goes, whatever you need to do, whatever you need to do. So I took care of that. And then what happened was I talked to my family because I had child support. I had my one year anniversary. My wife wanted a divorce one year to the day, God bless her, she waited and that she wanted a divorce. So you can imagine the amounts of child support and alimony was paying, which is fine. I was blessed

able to pay it. So I called her up. I said alimony, child support's going to stop. She's been behind me, but we're very close and my mother says no, no, no, no, we'll pay for it. My sister is. I told my sisters what I was going to do and they're like what why are you doing this? I'm like, no, supposedly it's going to keep me sober forever. Supposedly these guys are nuts. You tell me not to go. I'm going to watch the family name. I thought I had an out right. I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to harm you. And they said it's going to keep you sober forever. But

we're in like the Three Stooges. We're in. I'm like,

so I go. I go to the state troopers, New Jersey. My mom drops me off,

got my little bag. I walk in, I'm here. Who are you?

Yeah. I'm looking for The Wanted sides. You know what I mean? I've been thinking about you for 15 years. You don't know who I am.

Ah, Douglas, How you been? Haven't seen you in a while. He goes beyond the deck, click, and I walk away. Right. So I sit in this room and it seemed like hours, but I got a DD. It could have been 30 seconds

and this and this and this young guy my age, I was 32. Then comes walking. An attorney goes. You have any idea how much work you have just cost me?

And I'm like, I'm sorry, I got a handcuffs on. What do you mean? He goes, why are you doing this? I'm looking at your you're a great citizen. And I said I have to clean this up. I I got to clean this up. You're it, you're the last, you're the finish, you're the final, you're the done. I'm done. I finished my amends people, you have to do this and I'll tell you why, which actually turned it to be one of my most embarrassing moments. So

he comes out with this paper. He comes out with this paper contract

sign that

Mailer and I'm looking and I'm looking and I see this number and I'm like,

and what does it say in the big book night step

any lengths and we make the best deal we can. I said this is what I would like to do. I'd like to start off at $500 a month. I'll do that for six months and then I'll come up there. He looked at me like

you're in handcuffs. Are you making a deal?

All right, I said. Yeah, I'm being realistic.

I made my last payment to them in 2002, June 2nd.

So what I did was the guy goes, he rewrites the contract and he puts in all this language and I read it and I sign it and now I'm standing outside.

I'm, I'm outside. I'm like, holy,

the jail's behind me. They let me go.

I had to go back in. I didn't have a cell phone. I walked back in. I called my mom. I'm like, I'm outside. Well, actually I'm inside, but I was a Babylon idiot 'cause I'm like, you know,

And so she comes back to me. She goes, what happened? I said I don't know,

get me to the airport.

She gets me to the airport. Now on Union airlines, we could fly this thing called jump seat on other Union airlines for free. So they had a nonstop from Newark. I was running on United. So, you know, I don't fly for United. So United's good. The stock's going to stay high.

So I say I go to the flight deck. Hi. How you doing? We have this little nod, shake hand, you know, And then the door closed. You go sit in first class. They they always do. I did it sit in first class. So I'm sitting in first class and this, I'm atheist. I tell you that this overwhelming, this overwhelming God consciousness came to me. I had no more fear. I was equal with the universe. I was done. I mean, you have no idea what that feeling is until you feel it. I was done

and I just started bawling

and I'm crying and I'm crying and the lady next to me is like, are you OK? She's bad. The flight attendant comes and goes, what are you doing? She goes to the flight that that captain. And I'm like, I want God.

And she's like he's saying he wants God and the captains coming out. Are you alright? And

true story,

one of my most embarrassing moments, OK, and I've done a lot of embarrassing things. I will go. So anyway, I went on this huge five year God thing. I was reading everything. I was a sponge, or so you know those people who knock on your door, they come in, not Harry Krishna as the

Jehovah Witnesses. I didn't fight them in with open arms.

2 1/2 hour laters here. Be like, can we go

true story. I I'd be like this with the Bible and then I'd look at third Bob. I'm like, whoa, that's ballsy. You changed the wording

and be like,

let's get another coffee.

This step changed my life. How many people, how many people have heard? I got 2 minutes. How many people have heard? I worked the steps daily in my life. I worked whatever. So because I'd walk up to him, I'd be like, how do you do it? Well, I, I think, think, think, think I, I don't drink and go to meetings. I and they give me all these cliches and I'm like, God, I got nothing out of that one, right? This is it.

This thought brings us a step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory step four and continue to sit right. Any new mistakes? That's step 10.

As we go along, we vigorously commence this way of living as we clean up the past. So as I'm doing step nine, I'm doing step 10. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is growing, understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter and it should continue for a lifetime.