The Fellowship Of The Spirit conference in Queens, NY

Hey,

yeah, Hi.

Wow,

my name is Art Nor and I'm an alcoholic. Yeah, it's honor for you. Or a just

like Peter said, it's

this is an adventure. This is,

you know,

I wasn't really an alcoholic to begin with because

when I was a kid, my daddy's friend is an alcoholic. And when he when he divorced his wife, he, he, he had stripped her of all her clothes and at night he locked her in in a room so she wouldn't get out.

And if she, you know, would,

if she said the wrong thing, he would beat her up. And, you know, he was an alcoholic. I, I wasn't an alcoholic. When I drink, I get better.

He he has problems with alcohol

and you know that, you know the bums living out on the street. I wasn't a bum.

I wasn't.

I had a,

you know, when I was drinking.

I should have begun drinking long before I started,

you know, you know, my dad had so all of that. You shouldn't, you shouldn't drink it. It does bad things to people and our family, you know, and my, my grandfather was like this. He was, was famous in Iceland for, as a drinker, like a heavy drinker and, and alcoholic adventure. You know, he, he, he got drunk and woke up in the Norwegian army or something.

You know, he was an alcoholic, but

you know, I was, I was, I was have to arrive all the age of 17 when I took my first drink

and it was,

it was great. It was just

if you're, if you're sitting here and you, you're not an alcoholic. The only, only only term I can use is

it's just, yeah, it's like Peter said, it's like describing an orgasm.

The the X-rated version of that description is, is like describing describing an orgasm to a kid. You know, it it, it just can't be done. You either get one of two things, something dirty or something that completely misses the mark.

Alcohol did

absolutely wonderful things for me. It's great things

and I don't know if it stopped working but

I would wake up in the night

because I heard so much inside. I, I, I hurt so inside and and alcohol couldn't touch it.

Just couldn't touch it. It didn't matter how much I drank, drink it didn't matter how much I smoked or how many pills I used or whatever I did. It couldn't touch it. I would be my only safe spot in the world was in a blackout. That was my, that was my safe place.

And, you know, I'd be coming out of blackouts terrified, just terrified out of my mind.

And something had to change. And I was, I didn't know a A and I, I've never been to a rehab. I, I never had any problems with alcohol other than that I didn't have enough of it.

And when I had enough of it, it wouldn't do what was supposed to do. No, it's, it's supposed to do wonders. It's supposed to, you should drink like a fifth and it's, and it's supposed to just work. It's just supposed to be peace, peace, peace and quiet and, and, you know, contentment and, and, and it's supposed to do these things. But it, you know, it didn't wouldn't do that anymore, no matter how I, I tried eating first, eating afterwards,

doing drugs first, doing drugs afterwards,

you know, just beer. I've even, I've even done an experiment with freezing beer and, and eating with a spoon. You know, I've, you know, I've tried, I've tried, I've tried crazy stuff to make alcohol my life work.

And you know, none of them would. And I

I don't know how your journey in A started but I got 12 steps.

My journey in a A started with a 12 step

A lady who I was working with.

She knew my dad and something

and we had talked about my family and my issues and blah blah blah at work and before, before long before years before I got sober and,

and she,

you know, when I woke up on Monday, I knew something had to change. So I decided to get a job

and I want to see, you know, every time I would wake up, you like hungover and like my, my life and just ruins. I would do something. I would, I would go get a job or go get a loan or or or move or or paint my room or, you know, jerk off or just do no, I would just try to do anything. But I I want to. I went and, and

I, I went to her and, and, and she didn't say anything. She said she did. She said

she looked me in the eye and said do you want coffee? And I said yeah. And she went make coffee and and then she looked me in the eye, said,

has it stopped working for you?

And I said, how?

How do you know

I hadn't talked about alcoholism with her? I hadn't talked about drinking with her. She just saw it in my eyes that everything my life had stopped working, you know,

and, and she and she told me to go to a meeting. It was a speakers meeting. She said go and check if you're an alcoholic. And I went to to the speakers meeting and there was this lady there. She had had kids, went to jail. She was blonde, middle-aged, slept with a lot of guys, did cocaine.

She, she was everything I was not

on the outside.

She sees everything. I'm not. I've never been to jail. I've never slept with a guy. I've never, you know, I've, I've never done cocaine. I've never done anything anything of that. And and, and,

and she was telling my life story.

If there's if there's this whole book is about me. But if there's one one thing that's about me more than anything else, it's

the inconsistency is no more than most people. The alcoholic leads a double life. He's very much the actor to the outer world. He presents a stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it. The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his breeze, coming to a senses he's revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare he tramples to think someone might have observed them.

As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension that makes for more drinking.

And you know,

I got sober in a

hi the Monday after that I, I went to my Home group. It's our, our Home group. It's a men's group,

you know, And they were all smiling.

They, they, you know, this, this tunnel of hands. They were so glad to see me. And I so wasn't glad to see them.

You know, I didn't even know I was an alcoholic. And, and when the newcomers introduced themselves, I said, yeah, I, I'm an alcoholic. And like Mickey Bush said, I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. I didn't know what it means. I didn't know what it means

and but I knew God was involved. So I knew I didn't want anything to do with this book or anything to do with these steps or anything, you know,

and that I'm the kind of guy that I knew there was something there. I was thrown to the power,

are drawn to the power and the meanings

and I went to meetings. I went to that meeting

every Monday,

every Monday, and other meetings on other days. But

but I didn't want to do the work

because I had I had this the most insane

idea that a guy like me can bring to a is the idea that somehow I am going to fix myself.

But that's that's insane. If I could I would.

If I could I would. But I'm the kind of alcoholic that only only got can fix

and and I I, I resented that. I didn't like that

and I stayed in that meeting and I stayed super for five months. I never got more than 12 days when I tried it myself. That's from Monday to over the weekend to Friday. That's that's my felt days once or twice.

You know, I, I came to a point that I wish for every newcomer here and everybody everywhere to go to that.

That's a place where I could feel the devastation on my skin. The desperation. Sorry. It's, that's the desperation. I could feel it. It was like a magnetic electric field around me. The place the big book calls at the bottom. I don't know how you read your book Big Book, but but my big book, well, it's an Icelandic and it's a badly translated, but

it describes a place when no human power can help

and no human power means no human power. I couldn't stay in that meeting for one more week because I was seeing guys that were that less sobriety than me come in and, and their lives were turning around and mine wasn't.

I was as miserable as as the day I walked in there and and and were more miserable and, and I, I got to that place where the desperation was so much that I said OK.

I laid aside my idea for what to do, how to do it, when to do it, in what order or anything. And I said OK,

and I got out real sponsor,

like, like I, I've, I've been through three sponsors that my first two were like the guys I saw I could manipulate. I got those sponsors, but but I got a sponsor that, you know, show me how what the big book really means.

But we're really meaning and. And he showed me how to work the steps

not work the steps to work the steps.

You can. You can make you can. You can write a four step.

I don't know about you, but,

but I'm, I'm the kind of guy that I'm an actor.

I, I, I go, you know, I, I take friends in a A and they say they come up to me and say, should we pray together? And and I say yeah, to show off.

Yeah, that's me. That's me. I, I'm a, I'm an asshole. I'm, I'm a real no, I do wrong things. I do rotten things. Do you know?

But you can write a four step and you can do a fifth step and you can, no, you can go on your knees and you can ask God to remove these defects of character and it's worth absolutely squat.

That's my experience.

You know, we you can, you can write everything you want, but if there isn't no surrender and God,

it won't be worth anything.

That's my experience. And,

and you can, you can, you can write a four step after the surrender and you can pray to a, you know, you can have conscious contact,

you can do four step and you can do anything. But if I'm not doing service, if I'm not carrying the message to the newcomers, to the newcomers, not to guys like them, No, they don't need my message.

The Newcomb needs to hear it. The newcomer needs to know that

a guy like me that said fuck you God,

when I come came to a that I can't find the higher power in a that can and will solve my all my problems, all of them.

There's a prayer I want to share with you. It's it's a dangerous prayer.

It's like this. God show me more

and, and I promise you if you, if you ask God to show you more like I,

I asked God this is a bad idea. By the way, I asked, I asked God to show me more with my finances and and two letters. I get a subpoena. Did you open court? You know, pay you bastard.

No, this can't be a bad idea. This can't be a bad idea. And and it's a really, really worse idea if you if if two days after that you say God, show me what more with my finances

and you know what God did. And I believe this

God gave a bum like me

a gold card

I like. I don't have any credit of the bank and somehow I get a gold card and my credits. My finances are fixed,

you know, that's like, I want to, I want to. I have a cool car, I have a cool. My God likes rock'n'roll.

My God likes rock'n'roll. Not that Hick kind you have over here, but real rock'n'roll.

Like I have a cool, cool higher power and this is my 4th 1:00

till this time

now. Now if I'm going to surrender my my will and my life over to a higher power and he's a like, if he's a piece of shit,

I have to get a new one.

AA is only interested in what works. We're only interested in what what works.

Sure to piss somebody off this Sure to piss somebody off. But but

I, I had this higher power who couldn't help my kid sister. She she's, she has two suicide attempts and she's only 15

and I was afraid that my higher power couldn't help my kid sister and I I'm sure I had something to do with that. She trying trying to be suicides and and shit. No

and I called my sponsor and he said

OK, you have a piece of shit out of power. You should get a new one. You should get a new one

and, and, and you know, on the spiritual path,

on the spiritual path, this the book talks, talks about a simple program and a simple program is not writing a first step. It's not doing a fifth step.

This simple program of alcohol is anonymous. Like I read my book

is to put God at the center of everything I do.

And every time I do it, it doesn't matter what I'm doing. If I'm doing a A, I'm trying to, you know, try with my family, with my finances, with anything. Everywhere I put God in the center of it,

it turns out OK.

And

you know, and if, if, if you haven't had that spiritual experience, that spiritual experience,

I want to try to describe it.

It's like,

and, and the overwhelming, like the overwhelming feeling,

can you, can you handle? Do you, are you getting a handle on how overwhelming it is? It's like they took a big truck and dumped it on you. Like like tons of it. It's an overwhelming feeling that I, the guy with 12 days sobriety Max on my own power,

I have never I don't have to drink ever again.

I don't have to drink

and everything like Chris S can go to hell in a handbasket and a few short days, but as long as I stick to this simple program of putting God on in the center of everything I do,

it turned out OK. And this has been my experience so far

and and I ask you, why do you want more?

What more do you want

then everything turning out OK?

Thanks.