Fellowship of the spirit conference at St. John's University in New York, NY

One of my wives talked to me about the number of times that she would lay in bed and wonder if I was alive or dead and is the call going to come in and how it kept her on edge all the time.

And I would have never seen that. And I realized I thought about my mother. Now my dad was a drunk I so he was thinking about himself like me,

you know, I, I saw him then thought about my mother and some other people in my life who I knew really cared and loved about me. And I realized that literally for years I robbed people of emotional security. And you know, how do you pay that back? I matter of fact and amend to I have some longtime friends because of this process.

I have 3, three men that I've known since 1959

that I still have contact with because of sitting down with them and making amends. And actually two out of three of those Mens, the greatest harm was they loved me and cared about me and they lost track of me and they didn't know what had ever happened to me. And so the way they said that I could make that straight is to make sure that they always knew where I was at, that they had my address and current phone number. Although a couple of them over the years have said I've realized I needed to have used pencil with you and not Penn

because I've been moved around a lot,

but one of my dear friends, his name is Clark. I just talked to him the the other day and

you know, that's a friend. They love me in spite of myself. So that's how I cleaned that up. A matter of fact, he's funny. I told him he needs to work on his feelings of abandonment because if, you know, if I move or there's a change in number and I don't notify him I had any calls, he just panics, you know, So we, we just had a long chat the other day. So you might consider some of that from a standpoint of harm. So how do you correct that? Well, you, these people, you make sure they know where you're at,

that you're doing OK. You know, things like that.

My mother died in my dad died in 86 from alcoholism is aorta burst and that that was clean

and my mother died in January of 2000 and in 99 a long since made amends and stayed in touch with her and job I've been working at ended and my intuition told me she was going to leave her body within the next six months. So I went up to Colorado. She started getting Alzheimer's and so I,

those of you have dealt with anyone with Alzheimer's, it's, it's kind of bizarre because

first time when I got around her, she didn't know me. She said to my brother, who's that? That was, that was weird. There's no other way to say it. And but then it was, it was interesting. Then she'd have times where she would come in and she would come out and I just go over and sit with her. I'd sit with her 456 hours and then we'd chat and sometimes she'd come in, she'd be real clear. And what I saw was a lot of people with Alzheimer's get terrified quickly. And I have to assume because of the amends and because our connection,

that even though she had drift into those times where she didn't know me from anything, she would sit there and be very comfortable. And she, she would, you know, it would always happen. She'd turn to me and she'd say, who are you? And say, well, I'm, you know, I'm Mark, you know. And she said, well, oh, well, what are you doing here? And we, you know, we would just talk in, in, you know, in that fashion. And

God, it was wonderful having that, that that whole slate be clean, You know, between us and I have an altar at home and I have pictures of my mother and father on that altar. And I thank God every day

that they were my mother and my father, you know, every day.

It's just amazing what this work does, how it changes your heart, you know,

makes you realize, you know,

everyone's given it their best shot. You know, when you get taken to a place of love and, you know, compassion for that and

powerful, powerful stuff to be free of that. You know, we've talked about amends and stuff, but God, I wouldn't want any of you in here to not know what it's like to have a free heart, to have a free mind, you know, with nothing back there because you cleaned it all up. It's all done, man.

My capacity to love increased with every amendment I meet.

My capacity to earn money increased with every dime I paid back. My capacity to be a friend increased with every amend I made. Because everything is connected, you know? And all that stuff was barriers to my willingness to make amends. The people I couldn't find

all of that stuff is connected, you know, and there was something I could do with with everyone of my capacity to be a better brother. You know, I got I got three brothers. You know, you, you're a Houston, you're probably a drunk. And that's just the way that laid out. And,

you know, I chat, I chat with them. I love them just as they are. They they, they tell me if they ever get as bad as me, they'll go to a A and

funny story about that. I last time we had a family reunion. It gets kind of interesting because they're drinking beer and smoking dope and doing what they do. And so I'm getting ready to leave. And they also like to ride motorcycles and big Harleys and sheds. So I tell them I'm in the slow wearing this little town in Iowa and said, well, I'm going to go to nay, meaning, yeah, you know. So they decide to go for a ride. Well, two of them laid down their motorcycles. So that night I got to go to hospital and my visit them in the hospital bed. They got roughed up pretty bad. My brother punctured

lung and some other stuff. And so of course I'm spiritual, but getting evens better sometimes. So he's sitting there, his ribs are all wrapped up and I said, I said, so do you have a lot of fun out the ride? And he said some four letter words and I said, well, you might consider next time instead of going for motorcycle, I come to an A meeting with me, you know, so but I love him just as they are. You know, it's not my business whether they get sober or whether they don't get sober. It's no, it's no big deal.

All that stuff, cleaned up all that stuff. Quick story about the last two amends

that were in my consciousness

in September of 1968. I was going to college and then gone back and dated when out of this gal two times and sex the second time in nine months to a day a boy was born and she named him after me. And this was back in 68 very conservative Midwest Iowa. It's kind of the deal where if you didn't marry, the dad got a shotgun, he would come and

it was that kind of a deal and I didn't.

What I had done at that time was was we settled that in terms of financial obligation and I went ahead and did that. So then I went on with my life in 1975. I remember them contacting me. She had remarried and I signed some papers in terms of him changing his last name from mine to the other one. And so then I got sober and over the years she had remarried and gone away,

no way to find him. And I guess starting in about 97, my consciousness started to work on me and I started getting on the Internet and I still had some pals living in that area. And I said, why don't you go start scouring and see if any of her relatives are still alive. And they had passed away and her family passed away. And, and I was actually at about a place where I was willing because it wouldn't leave me and where I was willing to hire, you know, there's firms you can hire and pay up to twelve, $1500. They're very reputable to find people.

And I was told I had enough basic information, they could probably do something. Well, same time, I'm going back to Iowa. I'd spent that time with my mother. See, this is this. I want to tell you this little story. You know, you do this work, great stuff's going to happen, right? So here's what happened. I lost my job. I lost the place that I was staying in. Had some physical, all kinds of stuff. Neat stuff happened because I did the steps right

and but in the middle of it all, the reason that that that job needed to go away was

needed to go spend time with my mother and make these amends. I'm going to tell you about in a bunch of other stuff. So you just don't know what's going to happen, any rate.

So I'm driving from Denver to this little town and I get to the town where she originally lived. It's only 20 miles away. And I'm telling you, it was like a screen came down. I had a reservation in the town I was going to and I absolutely knew I could not drive past that town I'm going to. So I, I just, I'm awake today. So I just parked my car at a hotel and I stayed there next morning. I prayed. Intuition says go down at the courthouse. So I got out the courthouse and I told you we'd settle that thing in 1969.

So I go down and I said to the lady, do you have any records? And she goes, she, no, she sit downstairs in the basement is like a dungeon. She said there's some old Ledger books. You can go down there and see if you want. I have no way of accessing the file. I'd probably have the file. So I go down and I mean these real old huge Ledger books and there's like hundreds. So it's like, OK, so I pray and I get guided to two Ledger books. Well, it was in the second Ledger book. I found the case number

So I go back upstairs and she pulls it and so she said here. And so I sit down and I look while I'm going through

and lo and behold there was information in her for whatever reason about her married knee. So now at least I got a last name in that town. So I go to a phone book and there's three people with that last name. I go to the first house and one there go the 2nd house. I pull up it's like 10/30, 11:00 in the morning. This whole old boy sitting out there and drinking beer. And I said, oh, I can talk to this guy. And

so I go walking up and I said, I'm looking for so and so, you know, are you him? And he said, well, yeah, I'm him. And I said, well, I'm looking for this person.

He goes, well, that was my brother and he was married to her. And I said, oh, OK, So he said, well, why are you looking for her? And I told him why I was looking for her to make an amends and and that I had a son. This guy stopped me, looked at me dead in the eye. And he says, he said, are you that boy's father? And I looked him dead in the eye, said, yes, I am. He said, well, he lives in this town. And he said he and his mother hadn't talked in three years. He said they are they're angry each other. And he said, by the way, you're a grandfather.

I said what

he said. Yeah, he like father, like son. He he's, he has two children running around town and he didn't marry either one of them either.

And he said, now let me make a phone call. So he in between drinking his brewskies, he makes a phone call and he said, here's his phone number. And he said, I can't tell you where she's at because her and my brother had a nasty divorce and I don't like her. OK, so I got that information. So I say a prayer and my sense is that I need to talk to her before I talk to him. And he did tell me the town she had moved in was like 200 miles away. So I go on up to Humboldt, IA and I was going to a 35 year class reunion

and

needs to say a few more men surfaced at that reunion. But

I So I get up there and I spend some time in prayer and I wound up calling the town and there were two people without last name and then the first numbers disconnected. And then I get the second number and the phone rings and this woman answers and I said,

Aloha says, is this so? And so? And she said, yes, it is. And I said, did you used to be so? And so she said yes. And I said, well, I'm Mark Houston and his dead silence. And and then I went on to tell her why I was calling her and make a Long story short, we wound up talking for an hour. She's a a woman who's had her own experience with God of a very, very strong Christian and said, you know, Mark, I forgave you years and years and years ago. And

she said, I am just so happy that that's what's happened with your life. And then I got to talking, you know, about our son and, and I and I wound up giving her his phone number because she didn't have it. And I wind up talking her through this thing that she's angry about and making her see that it's her pride and that this is her son and that which she could consider doing some things if in fact she's the Christian woman that she says she is.

She wound up crying a little, and I wind up crying a little, and then that was that. So,

so then, then, then I have my son now common sense told me I'm not going to because I found out where he worked. I'm not going to show up at his workplace and say, hi, how are you? I'm, you know, so I prayed about it, picked up the telephone. Then he answered, you know, and I said, this is Mark Houston. You know who I am? He said, oh, yeah, I know who you were. And so I told him why I was calling. I told him that I I could not stay sober,

you know, unless I did this thing and this was a deal. And I talked about where

I saw the nature of the harm that I completely abandoned him and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, and rolled out that way. And I got done. And I said, you know, I said to him, is there anything I can do to set this right? And he said, he said two things. He said. He said, well, one, he said, I'd like to think about that. And then I'd like to consider whether or not I want to have any contact with you. He's using words I use all the time.

And I said, OK, I would, I would be glad to do that. And I gave him my name and I gave my address and all that stuff. And I said,

you know, you give this some thought and you give this consideration and if you ever want to do anything, you want me to do anything, you let me know that. And so I was done with that piece, that body of work, and

I just

can't tell you what it was like

to hang up the phone and know there wasn't a human on the planet that I wasn't clean with. I just,

you have to

have that experience.

Some things started to happen off that and then I'm going to let Joe widen this thing down.

My capacity. I no longer I. Some things happen. My fear of death left me that day

and then in because it was clean and now I could embrace life at a level that had never been able to embrace before.

My what I did with 10 and 11:00 and 12:00 just took off like a rocket. I was just unbelievable.

The power, the intuitiveness, the capacity to love and have compassion for myself and others, just beyond belief. So, you know, that's why Joe and I, I guess, have spent some time talking all about God. Don't miss out on this thing. Don't miss out on cleaning this up for you, for them, for God, for your fellow human beings. For see, I know what the term heaven on earth means.

Yeah, I know what that means. And the steps tell us that we get to experience heaven on earth if we're willing to do this stuff. And to then be able to go through life with, with anything that speaks of separation does not exist in your heart anymore. You know,

it's gone. It's removed and level of freedom and a level of consciousness that you just can't believe. So don't miss out on this thing, You know, don't let anyone read your big book. You New Yorkers have not seen the last of me,

you know.

God bless you all and I'll see you next time I'm back.

Thanks, Mark.

Thank you very much.

This is a man that's been there for me for 20 years

in God. This is one of the first times I realized in my heart what my sponsor used to stay say.

You finally get to the good stuff

and you run out of time.

That's why our time together is so valuable.

My God, you all live in a city where you're more awake to that than most of the people in the rest of the country.

He says he'll be back. He also knows that's no guarantee.

Mark Houston could drink.

Joha could drink.

It's not about the messenger, it's not about the sponsor. We were talking about it yesterday.

It's about seeking God of your own understanding.

You live in LA for 10 years. Mickey knows it would be like living in Detroit and and not experiencing Ford Motor cars. Or growing up in Battle Creek, MI and not eating Kellogg's cornflakes.

You come to love movies.

I've been doing enough movies at certain times where you can't tell the difference between a movie and an AA meeting. They just kind of mesh.

It's like that. Well, OK, I thought of two movies this morning. One is 1 called Jacob's Ladder, Adrian Line and Tim Robbins. And there's a line in that movie from Danny DeVito. No, Danny A Yale, a New Yorker,

he says. If you haven't gotten free and you're still holding on and you're not free to go,

all you'll see are devils tearing you away from your life.

But if you've made your piece and you're free to go, all your sea are angels taking you to a better place. Depends on how you look at it. It's all about perception.

Another movie,

one of my favorites. Apocalypse Now

It could be. It could be a title appropriate to the times that we're in

'cause the ship's getting strange, right?

And if you avoid, if you avoid that which makes you uncomfortable, if you're not willing to face.

That's why I use the language I use sometimes to help people get free,

because if this is separate from this and this is good and this is bad, I've been, I've been praying my ass off for the last five years, working with some incredible people that have the that have the power within themselves to take you past your own mind. But there's this line in in Apocalypse Now where I feel I have felt like Colonel Kurtz a few times, but into the light

rather than the dark. You know, to split from the whole deal,

to blow the box open, to go outside of the box, to see that there's not like a a a A is about living a spiritual life. There's not like a A and then you know your every area that I've ever put outside of the confines of living a spiritual life, I've lost it every time.

Because I put it before God, and everything I put before God, I lose.

Now that can be a blessing. That can be a curse. I think it's a blessing

because I think a spiritual person, and Don Cory has said this to me over and over and over, a spiritual person, as far as Alcoholics are concerned, it's not someone that reaches some state of perfection and just transcend. We've all seen people go out behind insanity, but we've also, and I could tell you some stories that would curl your teeth. I've seen some people that just blew right out of the top of Alcoholics Anonymous,

transcended alcoholism, you know, became, you know, we're taken to a state of consciousness where they were so deluded

they thought they would never feel resentment again.

You know, what if your four best, if you would have, I don't know why I want to talk about this. If you would have asked me 10 years ago who are the four closest people in your life that you think in your area in Los Angeles, have done the most spiritual work of the people that you you're close with, I would have told you four guys.

So imagine your four, the four, four closest people in your life

at the time. Mark was not one of them. I'm saying in Los Angeles, Mark was in Texas. He's been like a brother since 82.

I would have told you, these four guys, they all four moved to four different places, weren't really in communication. They all came up against an idea

working with others in the program seeking God, and these four had one thing in common.

They had gone for something that most people in a say is outside of the program. They had followed their heart. One ended up doing this this stuff.

One ended up doing some of this, continuing to work with others. I think the only thing to watch for is that you're not doing something instead of do it along with most people in Denver, they do one through 9. They're in 1011 and 12 for a period, and they let their heart take them to another tradition, but they don't become the tradition. They don't become this or that. It's hard enough with what Mark described the other yesterday with the theater lights. You just believe that you're an alcoholic, right?

I think it's strange that we identify ourselves by a disease. You know, I'm a recovered alcoholic child of God. You know, I'm not going to take on an identity of a, of a disease that I'm promised I can get free of,

you know, and these four guys, and I met with them later after I came back from India, these four guys came up against a reservation. And the reservation was this. They would be working with somebody and they'd say, let's look at the proposition. God is everything or nothing. And they said that every time they came up against it and had to look at it themselves or when they were going through the work, these weren't guys that stopped going to meetings or working with others or doing the work. They were seeking God deeper and deeper and deeper. They would come up against this idea. God is everything or nothing

and then then find out. But it can't be this.

You know, God is everything, but I have the picture of how everything is. God couldn't have anything to do with this. God couldn't have anything to do with this, right?

My opinions about God have caused me tremendous amounts of suffering. So these four guys, four different places separate from each other, came up against an idea. If God is everything now, you got to keep an open mind for this. He's removed the obsession to drink. He puts me in a fit spiritual condition. The spiritual malady healed over and over and over, emotionally, physically, mentally.

But alcohol still my master. Because if I took a drink,

I would turn into a werewolf. The craving would be there and I'd be dead then. Alcohol is still your master. And they had to face it. They had to get free of it. I heard about these rumors. I had to do it in prayer. Do I believe God's been there for the mental obsession? Yes. Do I believe God's been there for the spiritual malady? Yes. In every area of my life. Time after time, after mistake after mistake, yes. Emotionally yes,

but do I still believe got alcohol is my master

now? They had to try a few different things and it wasn't behind insanity. It was about a dedication to seek God.

One of them tried drinking.

He wasn't interested in intoxication and he did it opposite from the way it used to be. He set the intent, when, how much, the reason why he was going to do it and nothing happened.

He got free.

He wasn't interested in staying intoxicated, wasn't even part of the intent, changed his date because he respects Alcoholics Anonymous, and came back to Alcoholics Anonymous free of an illusion. How far are you willing to go to get free of whatever might come to your heart that's blocking you, right?

Joe says this. Joe says that Joe makes me uncomfortable. If I made you uncomfortable this weekend, good.

I've done my job because the people, I don't remember the people, little blue haired old ladies that come up to you and tell you everything's just fine, honey, you're doing great. Because most of the time when I need it, What when I needed that, I didn't need that because I wasn't doing great. I needed somebody that loved me enough to say, what about this? What about this? What about that? Where you at? What about the amends?

I remember those that love me enough to not care about whether it made me uncomfortable or not.

There's some things on this path you got to start to care about, and there's some things on this path if you start to care about, they will drive you crazy. Imagine those of you in the room that have taken people through the work. If you cared about what every one of those people you worked with did, what you shared with them,

you'd go nuts.

Imagine to be in a position like this and care whether I'm popular or not.

They're speakers. I've heard this term. I don't know if you've ever heard it. I don't know, but I've heard this term before. I have to protect my national reputation. And if you know what it is, it's always different than their local reputation. I'll tell you, if you meet somebody from Santa Monica, they either love me or they hate me, right?

Doesn't bother me. I'm free. I got mine.

Get free

put my name in the first column

right? That's what you tell them. Get free because I've had to put your name in the first column right

for years in that group. That groups been doing the work in Santa Monica for 15 years and it's a reflection of this weekend. Not right, not wrong. It's just where we are and what's working and what isn't. I wanted to get 30 people together who were on the other side of one set of amends and and do a weekend on 1011 because what I love is 30 people in a circle for a week and nobody lead nothing and join in the fellowship of the spirit. We've done that this weekend. I have felt welcomed here.

Get 30 people together,

The guy that put it together said everyone of them is on their on their on the other side of a men's. You can we can spend the whole weekend talking about 10:11 and 12:00. You start Friday night and I could feel it. Something happens in a circle. A lot of you know that. And I felt something over here, one pulling something over here. It's just like you can feel it. I didn't feel that in this room this weekend,

right? There's not a lot of fight in this room. I love to be with people

who are just trying to give their best with the power they've been given to doing what's in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And isn't it interesting? People that simply want to do what's in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous are judged and cast out and ridiculed and called names that I would not call anybody on this planet. I mentioned the word the other day

in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. They're judged because they need the whole program.

The message isn't the message anymore. They told us that in the 4th edition. So we got 30 people. I'm feeling, feeling this energy from three parts of the room and we it ain't happening Friday night. All we can talk about is

why aren't you done with the men's?

And it's never why you're not done with amends. It's why you don't believe step one any more. So there we are, back to one

Saturday, the same energy lunch. I'm just feeling sad. I want to join with some brothers and talk about what is it like now living in the world of the Spirit.

And here's this energy

went to the bathroom. I'm crying. I said a prayer. Dear God, give me a question that I can ask this room that'll expose what's pulling on the energy question came to me, never thought of, never heard, didn't want to ask. And the question was, it didn't even seem appropriate to what I was feeling the room. The question was this. Why do so many people who don't want to do the work want to be around people who want to do the work?

Came back, asked the question. Three hands went up right where I was feeling it from.

One guy says check this out and he had been on several of our retreats. He said I like to be around you guys because I get more attention than you guys. When you beat me up and beat me up. When I come on one of these weekends and say something, my nose going to give me a bunch of attention than I do in any group that I've ever been a part of. I love it because negative attention for me is better than feeling good because feeling good makes me extremely uncomfortable because I'm so attached to being sick. Comfort makes me feel bad.

Like that other movie. There's a movie for you. It's a stupid movie. Con Air. There's a scene though where Steve Bocce saying about a guy across the aisle. That man is so attached to his sickness and his anger. Anything that makes him feel comfortable is terribly painful. Second guy raised his hand. I forgot what he said.

Third guy raised his hand. He said something I never even dreamed of. This is a guy that's working with others in LA, not a part of our Home group, but he was there. He was welcome. And he said, I like to be around people that do the work so I can save those that the work hurts.

And I said, are you really saving those the work hurts or you're saving those that are hurting from not doing the work?

You start this process and stop. You can get sicker than you were when you started. Nobody told us that when we were doing it and it knew You start this work and your spirits going to go on without you and you stop somewhere for in the middle of five you will get worse than when you started, right?

Start with a commitment. This is my commitment was the first question.

Another story,

I was asked to speak at the 50th anniversary of AAA in Canada. I don't know what year was there, about 8 years behind us and the first night they took us on a boat ride

and

you know, it was a cool boat ride. They had some fireworks on the way back. I was getting a little bored.

I'm the kind of guy that's got to be after somebody all the time, right? I got to be shaking it up. I just got to, I just got to, I just got to find somebody, right?

And there's a deck on the boat about as big as this room. Tables, tables, tables, tables. And I said, God, show me something to do. And it was like there was a light shining on this guy. And he wasn't the only black guy on the deck. And it wasn't because he was black. He was just like, I'm the one. And I said, what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? And my intuition said, walk up to that guy, introduce yourself and say, my name is Joe Hawk. And I'm here to tell you what you don't know about the program of I said I can't do that,

I can't do it. And you know what? Every time my head says I can't do it, that increases my faith. When I jump, my sponsor said I was three years sober, 1985. You're speaking at the International in Montreal. I can't do it, he said. Good, maybe you'll have to rely on something that will help you do it.

If I can do it, where is the challenge? Where is God? You know, I said I can't do that,

Walk up to that. He's a scary looking brother. There's a bunch of brothers around. I can't walk up and do that. Do it. Usually when it comes three times, I gotta go right

walked up to him. Hi, I'm Joe Hawk. What's your name? He said Sydney, I said where are you from? He said The Republic of Harlem. I said, I said,

I said I've been there. I've been there. I used to cop dope there. Yeah, I've been there. How you doing? He said. Good. I said, I'm here to tell you what you don't know about the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And walked away.

The rest of the weekend he's following me. What do you mean? When you said

then I'd lay some on him and then I'd run away.

It's like, it's like fishing. Working with drunks is like fishing sometime. Sometimes they're just like they're hooked right away. Sometimes it takes a little bait. Little more bait, little more bait, right? Didn't take much bait. Took one question. Don Koyas hooked me the same way when I met him eight years sober. Ask me one question. I'd sat in a restaurant with him. I'd listen to him. He loves to talk. Amazing guy. When the bathroom, he talked for two hours. Couldn't remember one word, but I knew he touched my heart in the parking lot. It leaves me with one question. How do you know what you don't know?

Because I was. I suppose this might just be a theory about how I was then. I probably thought I knew a lot, right?

And he said, how do you know what you don't know? I was hooked. Took me a week, but it was on my mind. Had to call him. So Sydney was just like all during that weekend. What do you mean when you said that? Go over here. What do you mean when you said that? Then I'd go over here. We became brothers. Wow. And what happened from that? What happened from? That's about other people. That ain't about me. I don't need to work with people to save my ass from some fear.

I've just been in a place for five years. I didn't take anybody or take anybody. I didn't get to share with anybody one through 9 from 1997 until 2002.

That was by the grace of God because I was doing it too much. I needed to find out about some other stuff. I was looking for people. I put together a drug and alcohol treatment program so there'd be some people to take through one through 9 because I thought I was going to stay there. Imagine being and I used to wonder why was I always attracted at these internationals to the loners and the internationalist meeting because people talked about not having the distractions that we have of the, of all the meetings, all the time that you're using to keep from doing the work. Sometimes

I heard guys at the loners meeting at the International in Montreal and Seattle that got a meeting every six months because they were a forest Ranger up in the Himalayan mountains. And what they talk about AA is not a place. A for them was about a personal relationship with God and a way of life. I believed it, but I didn't know it. I always had a Home group. I end up in India for five years and I found out what I believe is true. You know, I usually believe things way before I know they're true.

I knew it in my heart. It felt right in my heart. Medians don't keep me sober.

A A is not a place you go. It's not like A A is over here and your life's over here and your sex life's over here and your money's over here. Because when it is, that's exactly how it feels. And you wonder why you feel scattered. It's a you've either decided to live on a spiritual basis of life or not. And it makes it much easier for us to live on a spiritual basis when it's about life and death. But The funny thing is,

those that that need to know that it's about life and death to live on a spiritual basis

are the only ones that forget it's about life and death and live on a spiritual basis over and over and over. Don Corey's used to say a spiritual person in a A is somebody who fucks up on a regular basis and goes back to God rather than going back to self or going back to another human being. Screw up, go back to God. Screw up, go back to God. It's a good day when I only screw up once or twice.

Friend of mine said to me the other day, it's been 2 years since you've been through the work. I said great, how was your 5th step? Great.

How many amends you got? Two, I said. You must be a remarkable person or really isolated. And she is two people in two years. Damn, that's a good week for me. You know, I had to call Chris Raymer the other day and make amends. You know, thought something really bad wasn't true,

made a judgment. That's what's the line from the other movie I was thinking of from Apocalypse Now. It's my judgment that kills me, he said. Willard, have you ever imagined getting free of judgment, judgment of others, judgment of yourself?

That's freedom. Jim Finley, my teacher who lived with Thomas Merton for 20 years, said to me one time, what's compassion? This was before India. I said, compassion is when you see somebody and you feel some sort of he said, why are you talking about compassion as a feeling you have for somebody else? What's compassion? I said, well, compassion is when you see another alcoholic and you, you. He said, why are you talking about somebody else? I didn't have a clue what it meant to have compassion for myself,

and I said, well, what is it? He said. It's a loving acceptance of that part of your being that's always going to be broken.

And he said to a group in LA, let alone you, all you tough guys, let alone use guys, right. He said to these people in LA that are constantly working on themselves, the next the next new thing, it's always the next new thing, 'cause they never get to peace right here, right here. Got to go somewhere. Meditation for me anymore is not about getting somewhere higher or lower, sideways or up. It's about getting to a place where you're in the moment and it's peaceful and

what you have and you want to go deeper into it. And Jim Finley says to these people in LA, true compassion is when you quit. Only said this on the spiritual path at the beginning. There's a lot of work, whether it's in therapy or the 12 steps or this or that, there's a lot of work. But you got to get to a point on the spiritual path where you have enough compassion for yourself, where you quit perpetuating violence on yourself,

violence on yourself by always trying to change that part of your being

that isn't the way you want it to be out of selfishness and lack of compassion for yourself. That's always going to be human. It's our humanness that brings us to God, right? Every time I hear one of these terms, spiritual being, enlightened being awake being, they always leave out one word, human, right? I've met some incredible spiritual beings around this world, some of the some of the great living masters.

Their their practice, the ones I've been attracted to,

the ones that have been brought into my life, their practices. Being genuinely human in the moment, right?

You gotta lose a lot of attachments to get free to be human where you are. Oh, I got to get some. That's how we live nowadays. I'm at home, got to get there, I'm here. Think of the number of movies or two hour shows you've watched in the last year. A lot, right?