Fellowship of the spirit conference at St. John's University in New York, NY

You're going to hear and traveling there going to this and you know, it costs you that marriage. I stopped her. I said, no, that's not what caused that. It might have contributed to it, but it's not what caused it. You got to get straight with that business. She said, well, well, when's your time with a going to be done? I mean, when are you going to get? When are you going to? When's it going to be finished?

Your baby? No. Listen, I got to tell you something, folks. I'm sober about 14 years and I don't write hot checks anymore. You dig? And I don't cheat on the women I love.

I haven't eaten out of a single dumpster. Not one. Can you all get down with this?

I just bought a little house down there on the lake in Kerrville in the Ingram. Ingram, Texas for Christ's sake. I'd love to move it up here to New York if I could. I guarantee you that little house be worth about 300,000 up here. I guess

it's a chicken shit dump down there. I don't know what to tell you, but I don't know how you guys do it. I'm telling you guys when I walked in here the other night and then I could sit there and hug that. I hugged next until my arms were cold. I mean people that I met last year and I got to be friends and I got to put names with faces that I had talked to on the phone and emailed back and forth. I mean, that's what this is about.

Life is so freaking exciting to be a part of a fellowship like this. And it's like brothers and sisters in arms here. And we got to keep doing that. We got to encourage each other to stay in that trench. Because I'm going to tell you, you guys out there are taking the heat just like I'm taking the heat. You walk in with a big book and want to stop a meeting because it's going too long or going weird going South. You're not going to be popular.

We talked about it the other night in Queens. Somebody wants to ramble. I just need a minute to share. Fuck you. You don't need a minute to share,

do you? Do you say it like that? No. No,

here's what you do. Here's what you do because I leave the impression when I talk about it from the tapes, from CDs and stuff, you'll get those tapes. You listen to it. You listen to it before you go in a meeting. Then you go in there. The first person that gets off today, it's like you kill him. You like Rambo shit, and it's like, you know, no, no, no, not what you do. The problem is not the person that's doing it. We who who taught him to do it?

We did. The problem is the is the formats that we're using in our meetings. If if if you don't want to hear that shit, stop going to stupid open discussion meetings. We've got way too many open discussion meetings as it is. Let's start some literature based meeting as well. Sees it meetings big book meetings 12 and 12 meetings. Let's start literature based meetings so that we can and then you got a topic out of the book. So there's no room to be talking about any of this other happy horse shit in in the preamble at my group right now we have a deal says we are not a dumping ground for your problem. If you just need to talk, come

for the meeting or after the meeting and we'll go out in the back and visit. But during the meeting, during our hour of recovery, we're going to talk about the topic being presented out of the big book. And I can go there every time with a clear idea, knowing that I'm not going to have to listen to somebody. Bitch, bitch

about the problem of the day.

Guys, Everybody in this room has a problem. We got to get straight with this and I'll let you out. Everybody in this room has got a problem. Everybody's got something they need to talk about. I'm not making light of any of that. I'm just saying that our fellowship that was started 67 years ago was not presented to be that. It was a place we could go talk about getting well.

If I drink a drug because I have a disease, why do I want to talk about the divorce? Let's go to a therapist and talk about the divorce. Let's find somebody in the fellowship that's been through it and talk to him after the meeting. Why should I take up your time as a single person talking about my fucking divorce? Why should I do that? It's disrespectful and it is selfish to the core.

I'm having a bad day.

No, no you're not.

Let me tell you who's having a bad day.

The cat just got up and he went into the medicine cabinet, got him a pill and he got him a little shot. And he's going to walk out and try to have breakfast and hold it down and pat the kids on the head and drive to work with all those voices screaming that he's worthless piece of shit, right? And he's going to go try to hold it together one more day. But he knows that by the end of the day he's going to be absolutely shit faced. He doesn't seem to be able to stop right now. Can you listen? Can you listen? Right now, all over New York,

somebody's walking into a crack house thinking they're going to buy a $20 rock and they're going to get raped. You hear me? Somebody's going to go buy one little bottle and before the night's over, they're going to go back and spend everything in their account to get some dope. Those people are having terrible days and that's why we are here to help them not have those days anymore.

If you don't understand this

come see me

and I will point you to a thing called the 5th fucking tradition

that says we have one one primary purpose that's to help the alcoholic and an addict who still suffering. Can y'all get down with that?

I'll tell you what I got in my briefcase over here, and I carry it always in my big book.

I have a list of therapists, and when I see somebody that's in trouble and really needs a therapist, I have a list of lawyers. And when I see somebody that's in trouble and needs a lawyer, you'll follow me. I have a list of women's shelters. I have a list of abuse counselors. I have a list of just about anything that you need. And if you ever need some of those resources, you call me and I'll help you get hold of that because I'm supposed to be of help to everybody.

You'll follow me and I'm going to try to help you get the help you need,

but I'm not going to sit in a meeting like an idiot and try to be a junior therapist when I don't have the training or the knowledge to do that. We've got too many people talking out of their instead of talking out of here. We've got too many people trying to talk about shit in meetings that they don't know anything about, and you've got to stop it. You've got to stop it now.

We have no opinion on outside issues.

If somebody in your meeting is taking antidepressants and you want to share in a meeting about what you think about that, shut the fuck up

because you're not a doctor

and your little opinion about what you think we watch kill hundreds of people.

Stop sharing your opinions and meetings. We have the message clearly

makes sense. Guys that sound pretty rigid.

Let me tell you real quick. Let me tell you what this does. This frees this entire group up to do what we do the best. It frees you up to be a friend. It frees you up to be a person that can love somebody else. In the fellowship, you got the power to do something that nobody else in the world does. You know that therapy back there, that therapist back there that's not an alcoholic and addict? She can help you with all these other problems, but she can't help you with alcoholism and drug addiction. You can help because you've had experience with that. Makes sense. Why are we taking the one thing that we can be useful at and pushing it aside and trying to do something that we're not trained

do? Why are we doing that? That's all I'm trying to say. You want to be a therapist, go to school, get a license and let's go. I'll, I'll send you some business.

No, we need you treatments. We're looking for a ton of help down in the treatment center where I work. We need people in the field. If you want to go do that, but stop doing it in my meeting, please. Every one of you that are standing in the trench, thank you. Every old timer in here that's got a day or two sobriety put together and I'm not going back out and trying it again just to thank you.

If you're sober 30 days, bless you. Just think how much more power you're going to have at sixty. Stop trying to do this one day at a time. Make a commitment, Make a commitment.

We have. I love you. We've got all the newcomers we need. You all understand that. We don't need any new new newcomers. We need the old timers that are here to stay here. If you're on that fucking relapse pad and you're tripping in and tripping out and tripping in tripping out, I need to suggest something to you that you're being selfish to the core. Find out what you are, make a commitment, work the steps and stay

at the end of our meetings. We don't do this. Keep coming back. Shit. We say stay, stay. You're here. You got underneath the door, now let's stay because we need to help carrying the message to somebody else. Treatment centers. I'm telling you one more time, guys are not cutting it. We are not answering the crowd that there's too many of you out there that need help. They're coming here to Alcoholics Anonymous, to Cocaine Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous by the thousands, and we got to be there standing in the line ready for them when they come through the door. You don't want to do that.

I don't know what to tell you.

That's your job.

Why did God allow you to live?

Come on guys. In God's grace, what saved me from the dumpsters of Houston, TX?

What saved you from those crack houses,

that tin car pylon out there on the fucking Turnpike that you were a part of? How come you walked away? How come you walked away? You walked away because God's got a job for you to do. And I got to tell you something. I said it last year and I'll say it again. There's a lot of people in our fellowship right now that don't want the responsibility of being sober. You like being a fucking victim. You like sitting on the edge, continuing to relapse and let somebody else clean it up every time you turn around. You don't want to stand for something

because with that comes from responsibility and it's tough to do.

It's uncomfortable to be responsible. The chairperson doesn't show up. You can't look the other way. Well, I'm just a relapser. I just, I only have three days sober. I can't share. You're going to do that the rest of your life. Start tearing a median. You'll stop relapsing. Start being a part of this fellowship.

Pick up the tools, folks. Let's go.

I'm so blessed and I'm blessed to know every single one of you in this room. Thank you for letting me come see you soon.

Morning, everybody. My name is Mark. I'm an alcoholic,

got a reading out of a book called Osho. I love the title Live Dangerously.

Nobody is imperfect, hence nobody needs to be perfect. All that is needed is to live your life totally.

Perfection is already there. We come from the perfect, hence we can't be imperfect. We are born out of the ultimate. We are waves in the ocean of God. So whatsoever is the quality of God is the quality of the waves. If God is perfect, we are perfect. So the very idea of becoming perfect is absurd.

There's no need to become perfect. Everyone is already perfect. But we're not living that perfection in its totality.

We are living at the minimum. We're not using our potential, we're using only a minor part of it.

Scientists say not more than 7%.

93% potential is simply lost, and it was already there, available for us to use. When you live 100%, you're really using the great opportunity that God has given you, and only at 100% the transformation happens, never before it.

So my effort here is to make you love life as intensely as possible, to live each moment as holy as possible. And slowly, slowly, something will start unfolding in you and you will start discovering yourself. The more challenges you give yourself, the more you will discover

another reading out of

The Way to Love by by Anthony D'mello.

How many of you are in a relationship? Raise your hands, OK, I have something here that I'm going to encourage you to go home and say to that person, and then maybe ask them to see if they'll be willing to say this back to you.

I think of someone who's loved you desired. You want to be important to this person, to be special and make a difference to his or her life. You want this person to care for you and be concerned about you in a special way. Then if you do, open your eyes and see that you are foolishly inviting others to reserve you for themselves, to restrict your freedom for their benefit, to control your behavior, your growth and development so it will suit their interest.

It's as if the other person said to you, if you want to be special to me, you must meet my conditions

3rd column. Because the moment you cease to live up to my expectations, you will cease to be special.

So pause now and ask yourself, is it worth paying so much for so little?

Imagine you say this to the person whose special love you want. Leave me free to be myself, to think my thoughts, to indulge my taste, to follow my inclination, to behave in ways that I decide or to my liking.

When you say this, you're going to observe one of two things. Either your heart will resist these words and you will be exposed for the clinger and exploiter that you are.

So now might be the time to examine your false belief that without this person you cannot live or cannot be happy. Or your heart will pronounce the word sincerely, and in that very instant, all control, manipulation, exploitation,

possessiveness, jealousy will drop. I leave you free to be yourself,

to think your thoughts, to indulge your taste, to follow your inclinations, to behave in ways that you decide or to your liking.

That's love,

that's love. That what you love, you must let go of.

Oh, I'm well rested this morning. Bed at 9:00.

I've known Mickey and Chris a long time and other than missing spending some time with him, I I have a clear sense of the intent and path of their heart. I'm glad they're in my life. I'm glad they're carrying the message that they're they're carrying.

And so I hope you all enjoyed their presence last night, as I'm sure you did.

It's nice to have fellow travelers, you know, on the on the way, on the path.

I'm going to talk about several things. One of the first things I want to talk about with you all this morning is steel on steel. I'm wearing a shirt says steel on steel.

And I may be the only one in this room that's had this happen. But in sobriety, trying to live a spiritual life, at times I have found myself up against self delusion.

And the problem with that is, is if you don't have people in your life that you've given spiritual consent to, very slowly and very gradually, this self delusion can take you down a path which is certainly not in your highest good and in some cases can take you back to alcohol.

So having had that experience not once but several times

when I was in Kerrville, TX in the early 90s. It was a very small town 18,000 and I could not find someone in that town that had what I wanted.

Understand this about about me. I length of time is

doesn't impress me necessarily because I know what that that's about. I've always just looked for people who have some things I want,

and then my deal is I go up to them and I, I have a question, how did you get that way? And what I the only I want one thing and one thing only from them because they're a human power. I want them to tell me the course of action they took to have the experience to be transformed in the fashion in which they present themselves.

There was nobody in that town that had anything that I want. I was doing more work than anyone in the town. So I was starting to sponsor some guys and, and, and having suffered from self delusion and realizing the tremendous trap in that one day I was reading the Bible, reading Proverbs because I love stories. Bible is full of great stories. And I'm reading Proverbs 2717, and I read a phrase it says, as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Proverbs is full of the necessity of seeking counsel even when you're Solomon, who was the wisest man on the planet at that time. I thought, well, if it's good for Solomon, it might be good for Mark.

So. So I got ahold of guys I sponsored and hadn't come with the house and I said, look, I want to do something.

I don't like being rudderless in terms of accountability. So I want to start something and a name came to me. I want to call it steel and steel. What I want to do is I want to sit down and I want to meet weekly and there's some areas that I want to discuss and we all work with the path of consideration at that time. But the areas that I wanted to discuss, number one, were

where was I very specifically with my program?

By that I mean in steel and steel. Now when I sit down, I begin. I start by reporting how many times in the last seven days did I do morning prayer and meditation and did I do my evening review?

How many times in the last week, how many meetings did I go to? Where am I specifically in the steps? If I'm rewriting inventory, be very specific about that. I'm in my second column. Yeah. If I am making amends, if I started with 20 amends, how many amends have I made since the last time we met? How many approaches are left to make? And I we, we came up with a separate category for financial amends

because we discovered that we don't mind making amends, but boy, we hate paying the money back.

And we wanted to be accountable for that.

See, at some point in time in your spiritual life, you're going to start to understand that everything is connected. If you're dishonest with anyone area of your life, if you don't think it's impacting every area of your life, you're absolutely wrong. So let me give you an example. I would be earning money and owing financial men's and could have been paying larger sums of money and I wasn't, which means I was again being dishonest. I stole the money from him once to begin with. And here I am, sober, quote, making amends, and I'm stealing again.

And without that kind of accountability. And then I'm wondering why there's not much more money coming in.

I, I had some strange things happen to me, some of you that have made amends happen. When all the money got paid back, it was amazing how much more money came into my life.

It's funny how that works, you know? Of course, in hindsight, I've often thought, well, you know, that would make sense. I owe this money. I'm unwilling to pay it back. Why would God bless me with a whole bunch of money when it's obvious I'm going to be dishonest and selfish with the money I've been receiving? So that was on steel. On steel,

if I was working with people specifically, where were they in the steps? So that's basically a review of the circle and the triangle, very specific review.

We reached a place where we'd take a timer and not have to report this information in 10 minutes. I'd set the timer and go.

So I would report all that information and then following that, normally sex and checks go hand in hand. So then I would talk about my financial life,

see and I got very, we would get very specific about our financial life, you know, in terms of how much we're making, how much is going out, where are we at with savings, those kinds of things. If I was in a, a relationship, I would report on that relationship, all phases of that relationship, including the sexual energy of the relationship. Then I would report on relationships in the workplace.

How are how are things going in that area? Then we we would report on our physical health. Let me tell you something, that group of men,

and Chris was one of them. This is how nuts drunks are. When we started doing this, we all work for a company and had great insurance and none of us had had a physical in about 5 years. As far as I know. None of us had had our teeth cleaned. I mean we had great dental and medical coverage and we're sound asleep to this thing called our human body, you know? I mean it was just nuts. We weren't working out. Several of us were overweight,

so we we would report on our physical body and

then we like to finish with the definition of honesty. Say what you do, do what you say.

And then what would happen is then I would pull out a little notebook and they would go around and give me considerations and I could not defend myself. I could no longer elaborate and explain, which is real tough. All I could do is say thank you. I went through a real strange phenomenon because I'm sponsoring all these people, right? So I get the notebook and they start in

and and they were not kind and and so you'd write to consideration, you know, like Chris would give me when I look at him, I go thank you. And I'll be saying to myself, I will get you.

You know, you're having that internal dialogue. We all went through it, every one of us.

And so we get done and then the next person, they would set the timer and they would report all this information.

And I, I'm telling you, that kind of accountability was at a far deeper level than I ever had with a sponsor. And it was to several men. And it, it has, it is to this day remained a key piece of my recovery of my spiritual life. That kind of accountability. We did that for several years

and I moved to Austin. I did it in Austin, We moved to Dallas. I did. I did it in Dallas.

So and when when the men that I sponsored work, I normally meet with them once a week and they'll come over at the house and I have a two page form, steel and steel. And instead of this general whining, bitching and moaning, complaining and stuff, they basically just report very succinctly steel and steel because it's a capsule of their whole life. Now, we discovered a very strange phenomenon as a result of this

when we were reporting on the first part of steel on steel, which is spiritual living.

It was incredible how smooth the rest of our life went. However,

when we begin to report that we were not doing prayer and meditation and not doing Evening review, and we hadn't done much with the steps and we weren't going to very many meetings and we weren't very active in sponsorship, it was amazing how the rest of our life was very problematic. Wow, isn't that interesting? See, see, AA does a weird thing to you. You come into a A and you're used to try and hit all your problems head on and manage your life.

He says no, come over here and work the steps. Come to know God and the rest of that shit will take care of itself.

What? Yeah. No, no. Don't worry about the job. Write your inventory. No, no, no. I got to get it. No, no, no. So you know, So I throw that out there for your consideration. Over the years, several people around the country have started steel on steel. There is a lot of resistance to it. Why do you think that is?

A lot of accountability. A lot of accountability. One story about that financial amends has a guy show up to steal and steal. This guy at owed child support for years. He had made the approach. I was getting the chance to spend time with his daughter again, he was paying out this child support and he was way behind doing the right thing. And he'd been going along about six months. So this is how nuts Alcoholics are. And he had a car that was paid for that ran very well.

This is a guy when I was down in Austin and he,

he shows up at Steel on Steel and he's all excited and all excited. So what happens is he starts to report and when it gets to financial, he reports that he's now going to go buy a Z28 that's got a car payment of about $500 a month. And then he's going to be able to going to get financing, going to be able to pick that up in a couple days. And he's just all animated and excited.

So we keep going along and he gets done. And so came my time to give him a consideration. I said I would like you to consider the idea. Do you believe that you can stay sober stealing more money from that little girl and that little girl's mother by driving that Z28?

And he looked at me and said, would you give me a little more clarification?

And I said, you are years behind in child support. You have a car that is paid for that runs very, very well, and your desire for Z28 is about your selfishness. And I said that guilt of what you have not done for that child will eat you alive and you'll get drunk again.

So what I want to report is he did not buy the Z28. But he realized what a faux pas he had made because it made the group realize he could have been paying even more in child support. So he upped his child support payment and he had to say thank you.

Lot of great stuff happened off that, a lot of great stuff in every part of our life. So I throw that out for your consideration. A lot of people have asked me about that, so I wanted to talk about it

found from experience, don't make the groups more than four or five, but I find that to be a very strict spiritual discipline that I have followed that has been so beneficial in my life. So again, I throw it out for your your consideration. We spent a lot of time, I'm not sure what all Joe and I talked about lots of different stuff. I want to talk a little bit more about steps

five through 5 through 9 with you all and Joe's going to share a little bit. We'll take a break and come back and then

I'm going to do my final piece because I'm going to catch a plane back to Dallas.

So I let's talk a little bit about fifth steps.

I was trying to think from 91, I believe from 1991 to this moment. I personally have probably read my own inventory, I would say a minimum of 40 times if not more. I'm sure the number is probably higher because I started doing multiple fifth steps in 1994. If you want to get experience in giving fifth steps right, inventory and read them.

If you want to get experience in listening to 5th steps, listen to a lot of them.

I don't know what the number is. It's in the hundreds of fifth steps I've listened to. So I have some experience with this. So I want to share a little of that experience #1 for me.

Pardon me. New inventories. Not the same one that many times. Oh yeah, he's saying. You all understand when I say that that's new inventory I've written. That's not the same piece of inventory 40 times. You all understand that

like for example, in the last two months I've read inventory three times. That's current inventory. That's the only thing I'm interested in. I'm interested today as I sit here this morning. I'm interested in the stuff today that I'm up against that will turn my life into dis ease and then ultimately take me back to a drink. I'm not interested anything else. I'm current. There's nothing back there. So when I talk to you about inventory, I'm talking current stuff here. So when I say since 91, I've done that, those inventories were

with what was going on in my life at that time.

And I do that because I like the effect produced by it. I'm no different, Joe. I wish to God I could just write inventory every four or five years. I'm resentful because I can't, but I've tried that. It didn't work. You know, it's that old question, is it working? If it's working, that's fine, go for it. It didn't work for me. This works for me,

being that accountable, writing inventory at that level, I stay very, very, I call it. I stay current and I stay free, which is why I do it.

So there are some things, though, that I've learned around inventory over the years. If I'm going to read inventory, I'm very, very careful who I read inventory to be. And the reason is because my big book instructs me. It's about life and death. No, I don't know what those words mean to you. They have some significance to me. I need to find, I need to find people who understand and approve what I'm driving at and

understanding is that my life is on the line here

because the stuff I'm up against that I've written on inventory is the stuff that'll get me drunk and has me diseased.

I'm not interested in finding someone who's concerned about how I might feel about something they say to me.

I want to find someone who has some experience, who understands what it is that I'm doing, that my life is on the line. I don't care if you're one year sober or you're 50 years sober, you're still up against some stuff. So that's that's, that's the criteria that I work for. Big Book gives you some instructions.

I have read a lot of inventory to men that I sponsor because they know me, because they've done the work, because they understand and approve what I'm driving at. Joe and I certainly over the years have read inventory to each other. Chris and I have read inventory to each other.

Uh, this last piece of work, uh, I read, uh, inventory to we, we did the steps a small, in a small group and two of the men that I sponsor, we swapped fifth steps. Now they stay. Kurt, if I work with you, just so you know this,

you know, it's like Joe said, you only go through the steps for the first time, one time. So that first inventory is a pretty big inventory. Thereafter, if you're staying fairly current, the inventories get smaller. So

I swapped fifth steps with a guy named Rocky and a guy named Bob. And then I have a man named Bill M, 29 years sober, ex Marine.

Yeah, that's the kind of guy I need as a sponsor. See, you know, he's he's, you know, he's the kind of guy I don't know. You know, I think you get the kind of sponsor you need. I'm a bullet person. I got a, I got broad shoulders and a big ass. Better bring it on. See, that's the kind of sponsor I need. No, you know, no bullshit, no flowers. No, you know, Mark, your strangely insane here. You know, you're being dishonored. I mean, I need that kind of accountability.

We don't need to sugarcoat it. We don't need to flour it and

Bill Bill fits that role. So I read that inventory.

We begin pretty much with a similar process depending on the setting circumstances, but we're going to do it at my house. We're going to meditate for a little while. I like to burn sage, which is Native American tradition. I learned to purify myself in the room for this juju stuff that's going to come out of this drunk sitting across from me, contaminate my home and pollute my home. And

and then, then we like to read the instructions out of the big book

about what we're what we're doing to get very, very clear about the purpose of what we're going to be doing in this, in this 4th and this fifth step.

And I want to highlight a couple things.

No, I, I've, you know, I know there's a lot of people that that do them driving in cars and all that other stuff.

I just know when my life's on the line, I'd like to got to be peeing. Just a touch more attention to me than that.

So

one of the things I like to do, it will start on page 70. There's a couple things I wanted to mention and I have them read in first person the instructions for the 5th step. But it talks about if I've been thorough about this inventory. I've written down a lot. I've listed and analyzed my resentments.

I have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality, and I make them explain to me. Do you see the futility of resentments?

Do you see the fertility, the fatality of it?

I've commenced to see the destructiveness. I've begun to learn tolerance, patience, and goodwill toward all men, even my enemies, for I look on them as sick people. I like to ask, has that happened to you? If that has not happened, they've missed a whole bunch of stuff in inventory. In the writing of the inventory. I've listened to people. I've heard by my conduct. I'm willing to straighten out the past if I can. In this book I read again and again. Faith did for me what I could not do for myself. I hope that I am convinced now that God can remove whatever self well has

from God. Yourself will cannot eliminate yourself. Will

you understand what I just said? God is my experience is God is the only one who can remove self will. Our vehicle for that is steps 4 through 9.

My experience is you can't pray away S will. You can't think away self will. I know there's there's these people that are spiritual, so spiritually evolved. They they tell me they do four column inventories in their head and I say, oh, that's real cute.

Oh, I can see my stuff Mark column 1234 in my head. Oh, that's great,

says if I've already made a decision. My third step in an inventory, my grocery handicaps, I've made a good beginning. Now we turn the page in Chapter 6 into action.

Toward the bottom of the page, 5 lines up. If I skip this vital step, I may not overcome drinking. There's that connection between that first step, isn't it? Dying an alcoholic death? See

top of page 73. I took inventory all right, hung on to some of the worst items in stock. That's again, for me,

a key indicator about who who listens to this fifth step, being able to pull some of that stuff out of me.

More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. This is back to the theater of the lie. He or she is very much the actor to the outer world. We present our stage characters.

This is the one we want our fellows to see. We want to enjoy a certain reputation, but knowing our heart, we do not do it. And I like to read this next section from a position of sobriety. If I'm doing it with someone who's reworking the steps, the inconsistency between my stage character and my heart, and how what's really going on is made worse by the things I do on my sober sprees

coming to my senses, I'm revolted at episodes I very clearly remember.

These memories are a nightmare and Turnbull to think someone in a might have observed me.

So as fast as I can, I push these memories far inside of myself. I hope they never see the light of day. That keeps me under constant fear and tension. That makes for more untreated alcoholism.

My friends are inclined to agree with me.

I seldom told the whole truth that I follow their advice. I must be entirely honest with somebody if I expect to live long or happily in this world. To me, that's both a promise and a warning. Then you get some more instructions. Then a top of page 75 about 5 lines down. I explained to my partner what I'm about to do and why I have to do it. My partner better realize that Mark is engaged upon a life and death errand.

How many of you have ever had that sentence as a topic in a meeting?

Not, not a single one.

Isn't that interesting? I There's some interesting sentences in here that have never been a topic in the meaning of a. A like holds the key to my future.

Realize him on a life and death. Aaron.

Sometimes I have to ask myself, what are we talking about in these meetings?

What are we really talking about in these meetings? When I think of what's in this book and what is available to us, you know, 10 step, I've entered the world of the spirit, new sixth sense. There's some incredible stuff to talk about in to about talk about in in our meetings. But that'd be a great topic for you guys to throw out at a meeting is

share your experience with what it means when it says you're engaged in a life and death errand in the reading of a inventory. What does that mean to you? What has been your experience with that? What does it mean when they say life and death, Aaron

Pocket or Pride and go to it, illuminating every twisted character, every dark cranny of the past. And then we do the inventory. I get very, very involved in the listening of a fifth step. This person's life is on the line. Lot of focus. 3rd and 4th columns. Fair inventory, selfie, Self-centered sexual misconduct.

Where are they at fault? See, it's their inventory. Thorough self examination. Standing buck ass naked, right? And you ain't so hot no more. Don't care how long you sober, you got your crap all over the place, right? Inconsiderate here, selfish here. Boom.

See I've listened some inventory with people. I think the the longest sobriety was 42 years.

There's very little difference between what was read to me by that man and 42 years sobriety and what was read from read to me recently where the man was six months. Just has a different face, same same selfishness, same dishonesty still going on. Why? Because that's a human condition, that's why. Link. The time away from a drink doesn't remove you from being a human and making mistakes. See.

So we get done with that process.

I do like to ask a question at the end of it and that is, have you withheld anything? If they're new, the sphincter ice tightens and they say, what do you mean? And, and it's normally something sexual.

So I like to get all that out. See, another reason I, I, I normally will take pieces of myself and almost share it with anybody I'm swapping fifth steps with. And the reason is I want them to understand there ain't nothing special going on here. There ain't nothing special about me. You know, I'm just like you. I missed the mark a lot, made a lot of mistakes and a lot of those I made with a lot more time sober than this person. And that, that creates a sense of ease and comfort in them. See.

So we get done with that and then then I like to read that. These are the 5th step promises,

some of the most powerful ones in the whole book,

you know. So for those of you that are in the process of just getting the right inventory, do you hear that? Getting to right inventory and getting to finish inventory