Fellowship of the spirit conference at St. John's University in New York, NY

He said a healthy relationship goes like this, have to need to want to love to. My teacher always says to me when you see through the illusion, you got to come back to it with a different motivation. Big book steps, sponsor meetings don't keep me sober. My alcoholic mind says then I don't need to go to meetings, have a sponsor read the book or work the steps. No, you come to them from a different motivation.

I do these things to seek a deeper relationship with the thing that keeps me sober.

Come to it from, from from maybe, maybe the second time through the work is because you need to.

You'll never have the desperation you had the first time. You're not going to get yourself back into it. You're not going to be able to work it up into an emotional state because all it'll be is memory and emotion. And we already know the memory of a week ago ain't going to keep us sober. Think it through. I got the kind of mind I don't know about you. If I was to think my next drunk through I'd just say fuck it, take a drink.

Thinking it through depresses me like positive affirmations make me feel.

I've read positive affirmations and felt like a piece of you're the perfect child of the universe. No I'm not. No, I'm not.

I've always thought they should have a I'm gonna, maybe I'm gonna write it before I'm 25 years sober. I'm gonna write a daily affirmation book for Alcoholics that you would feel better after reading. You're a piece of shit. You'll never mount to nothing

because, you know, you're a little better than that. But you're not a perfect child of the universe who's loved by everybody, right? Yeah. Today's gonna be worthless. You're not gonna accomplish anything. And everything after that's gonna be uphill, right?

I think I'm going to write that right.

Joe Hawk. Joe Hawks. Positive affirmations for real Alcoholics.

You don't need to do the work today. Forget 1011 and 12. Everything is going to be hunky Dory. And you might find out because you're in the grace of God, that that's true too. Don't beat yourself up for not being rigid. Be free. Do what you want. You should, you should. 1011 and 12 are a requirement based on some kind of fear. It's going to be horrible. Oh, I'm going to drink. Mark told me if I don't do 10:11 and 12:00, I'm going to drink again. No, you're, you're past that. You've recovered.

You're in a state of neutrality. Do it out. So then I got, oh, then I'm just not going to do it. No, come to it from a different motivation. What about going through the work based on your love for God before you're all fucked up and have to do the work again? What about doing the work from love, have to need to want to love to Maybe this time you're going to do it just because you want to. You want to see what's on the other side of the work this time, right?

I I can't open this right now but.

You get to the doctor's opinion. You open your heart up with a prayer for an open mind and a new experience. Different statements are going to pop up each time through the work.

Find the ones that speak to you. Maybe there'll be some new ones. Maybe you'll find that a statement. Let's say for an example, if you don't find the easing, the If you don't find ease and comforts, the same ease and comfort you used to get from drinking, there's very little hope for your recovery. What if this time the consideration was I have found more ease and comfort in my life than drinking or drugs ever gave me, But now ease and comfort have become a noose around my neck that I'd like to get past. Because I'm worshiping

ease and comfort. And I have fallen victim to the belief that if it feels good, it's good, and if it feels bad, it's bad. Maybe that question comes out of the doctor's opinion. Let the doctor's opinion speak to your heart. Let the big book meet you. It's one of these books, and we've all read other books. There's very few though. It's one of these books that meets you where you are, whether it's the first time and you're lucky enough not to know much about

A A Don't you love to work with those people that haven't been fucked up by the Fellowship yet?

Just like wet ready. They don't know you been to a a No. Oh, thank God. Right, right. They're much easier to work with than some idiot with 20 years that has all these ideas about what he thinks he knows. Right,

Mark said to me. Not too many just a few months ago when I when I asked him to take me through the work, he said. I'm at a loss at at at to what to do with you. I thought

because I'm a challenge. He said no, you know too much, you know too much, you better pray. Damn. He kept me in that fucking prayer until I was just like, you know how I knew I was ready to take the third step within the other day. I said to my roommate in Terrell, TX. I said to my roommate, I'm really looking forward to starting my inventory.

Never said that before in 20 years, right? That's when you know you're ready for inventory.

Oh, I've taken the third step, but my inventory is going to be terrible.

It's going to be horrible. It's I'm going to be all messed up in inventory again. You don't have to. You don't have to. You'll never do the work for the first time again,

even though even those of you in the room that don't think the amends that are left in your gut at 3:00 in the morning have anything to do with booze. But you've run out of power in Step 9 and you can't make any more, and you just need kind of an oomph, right?

You got to go back through. Took me to it took me starting the work twice to get through it once.

Maybe some of you have had to start it four times to get through it once. Maybe some of you

have thought you've done it three times, but you haven't done it once, right?

Doctor's opinion. You turn statements into questions that meet your heart. Bill's story. You look, you go back to your drunk log in the 1st 9 pages and the next 9 pages use it as a barometer. This is a great thing for the person that's taking you through. Mark anything in nine to 16. You're resistant to do that. He did because all you're going to get in nine to 16 as what's going to come in the rest of the work. It's a great barometer for the sponsee and the sponsor. And you know when they marked everything in nine to 16, there's still one that bothers me

every time I'm it's time for me to do the work, to admit again, to admit again that in and of myself I am nothing and that without God, I'm lost. And I'm not saying 9 to 16. For some of you, there'll be a lot of stuff that you're absolutely unwilling to do. I'm saying the stuff you feel a little resistant to. It pulls on you. Mark it. You know why it's a great barometer. When you're done with step one, go back and see if there's any resistance left in nine to 16,

17 to 23. All you got to do is be convinced of one thing to go on past page 23,

your experience abundantly confirm that once you put alcohol in your system, something happens where you lose control over the amount once you start,

then do it all with drugs. If you had both involved. I don't want to spend a bunch of time on the debate. You're either alcoholic or you're not. You're either a real addict or you're not. But the page that helped me because I've had the physical craving for drugs. You can't do the kind of drugs, but my here's the here's the thing, though my mother would get a physical craving for crack cocaine. She's not a real addict.

Anybody shooting cocaine is going to get a physical craving. My first time through the work, I saw I had the physical craving for alcohol. I had the physical craving for drugs. So far, I think Don and I are going to find that I'm an alcoholic and an addict. I've had the mental obsession for drugs. When you have a habit, a physical habit for heroin, you know about the mental obsession. When you shoot cocaine, you know about the mental obsession.

I'm so I'm all the way to page 43 and I'm thinking I'm going to find out I'm an alcoholic addict. That's OK, That'll be my truth. I'll do the work.

He went back to one page that separates the men from the boys, the girls from the real women,

the moderate, the real I'm sorry, the moderate, the hard and the real alcoholic.

I didn't have any debate whether I was a moderate drinker or moderate drug user. We get to the to the real addict. I've had the habit badly enough to gradually impair me physically and mentally. I've had big habits could have killed me a few years before my time. But here's what separated me from the real addict. Given a sufficiently strong reason, can you stop? That doesn't mean the reason that brought you to a a Everybody's here with a sufficient reason that brought him here. The question would be, would the

reason that brought you to Alcoholics Anonymous by itself be enough for you to stay stopped now without any spiritual nothing? They even give you a test in the book to find out.

Just leave it alone for a year or so, right?

The drinking test I don't believe in anymore. There's one of my old ideas that's not old anymore. If an alcoholic is sober and that I believe they're in the grace of God. Now, if somebody's still drinking with a certain pattern and they want to find out whether they're alcoholic or not, have them stop abruptly and try some controlled drinking. But if somebody is in the grace of God because they're sitting here sober, how do you know if they took the test and they passed, that they weren't safe and protected by God and they passed the test

and you killed him because you gave him a test to somebody who's in the grace of God. Because I know people who've drank

in the grace of God and there was number craving. I don't believe in Marty Mann's test for somebody who is sober and in the grace of God. I believe in Marty Man's test the way she wrote it. And she didn't say, uh, two drinks a day for 30 days. I read Marty Mann's primer on alcoholism, first edition.

She said two drinks a day, same a time, same amount every day for six months while drinking to see if you can stop the pattern of the craving, try to drink and stop abruptly. I don't believe in the test for people that are sober. There's better ways to find out. Leave the program, don't do any spiritual work, and see what happens to your spiritual condition

23 to 43.

That's when it'll start to strike your heart

because it's where we all are.

I hope that for everybody in this room to look at the craving is either a not too far memory or a distant memory. And all you're going to get from it is memory. And if somebody can scary enough into thinking that craving would still be true, probably would. But where it always gets me is 23 to 43.

So am IA hard drinker. I had a habit for for alcohol. It physically and mentally impaired me. But giving a sufficient strong reason I couldn't quit drinking. I couldn't even quit drinking on the sufficient reason that brought me here because I didn't quit drinking. I woke up one day August 17th 1982 scared to death because for the first time in 18 years I couldn't drink. I like Bill's description for my experience.

I was separated for up from alcohol on August 17th, 1982. Every time I ever quit, I couldn't stay quit.

So one has to do with the start and one has to do with the stop.

But do you believe now maybe you've acquired enough information

or enough power or enough grace to drink like a normal person? Who in this room would ever want to drink like a normal person?

Some people in this room had times when there was control. But did you enjoy it? And when you enjoyed it, were you controlling it? I never had both at the same time. Control and enjoy, right?

Then you start to look at 4445 and 52. See, I don't suffer from a twofold disease. I do not suffer from a twofold disease, and the physical craving is not separate from the mental obsession. I've been to some groups, they'll tell you that the powerless part of the first step is the physical craving and the unmanageability part of the first step is the mental obsession. Then where is everybody in the room that the mental obsession's been removed from? Where's your unmanageability?

I'm sorry. My book happens to say on page 64 that I'm not only bodily and mentally ill, I'm spiritually sick. And when the spiritual malady is overcome, I'm going to straighten out mentally and physically. I have a threefold disease. You got to have two parts to be powerless. It's not having the physical craving or the mental obsession. And there's one of those traps we're going to look at when we come back after the break on page 44. If when you honestly want to, you can't quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have

control over the amount and somebody you're working with that's not quite clear yet. Up to the after all those pages, they'll always say, see, it says, or. You don't have to have both. You only got to have one or the other. But I'm going to tell you this,

if you get the mental obsession on a regular basis, but you don't get a physical craving, then the next time you get a mental obsession, just drink the way you want to drink.

And if you get the physical craving every time you drink but there's no mental obsession, then just make up your mind, go on with your life and have a happy time because you can keep yourself stopped. You got to have both to be powerless, and my life happens to be unmanageable because of something much deeper than circumstance,

emotion, how things are going, how I feel, how you feel about me, whether you love me or not. That's called a spiritual malady beyond emotion or circumstance.

Some of you drink when she stays, some of you drink when she leaves. Some of you don't know which ones, the celebration and which ones the depression,

and sometimes they're interchangeable.

I'm depressed when she's there. I'm depressed when she leaves, but I want her to come back, then I'm depressed. I wanted to leave again. I'm still depressed. It's because I'm fucking depressed. I take me with me wherever I go, right? You drink because the team won. Yankees won. You drink, Yankees lose, you drink. You know the days I like to drink when I just need to feel something because everything is just kind of

right. How many in the room on depressive medication?

That's a reservation about a human power being able to relieve your alcoholism

unless you have a valid chemical imbalance.

Do the work, finish nine, see if it was untreated alcoholism or something that really needs to be treated. I'm not going to doctor, I'm not a doctor. I'm not going to tell you how to get off it. I'm going to tell you though 80% of those on medication have a lurking notion about their first step, and they're looking for something human to relieve what they suffer from. And I've seen a lot of you do one through 9 and find out the symptoms

were just untreated alcoholism because they're so similar.

There's a difference between alcoholism and drug addiction. If there isn't, then how come there's Alcoholics in this room that could take or leave drugs? And how come there's drug addicts in this room that could take or leave alcohol? It's only different in one respect. The physical craving, the mental obsession, and alcoholic and an addict can talk about all day long. The spiritual malady and alcoholic and an addict can talk about all day long. But I need to talk to a guy that knows what it's like to wake up in the morning craving alcohol,

not needing to go get a hit of crack. Why? Because I made-up my mind and I walked away from cocaine.

Some people are both used the pages with both. Find out what you are.

Let's come back at 10:30.

Just a couple things and then Mark's going to move on with the mechanics of four through 9. Then we can get to experience

if, if in any way, I offended anybody when I used the word retard. I will tell you this, I shared it that way because I was offended also, and that's the way it was being referred to. The idea that there should be any debate about that is as crazy as should there be any debate about what's going on with priests nowadays, that controversy, the idea that it's even something to debate.

I remember seeing a paper

that said Supreme Court makes controversial decision about execution and I thought, my God, how insane things have gotten. You know,

a lot of people will say sometimes when you meet somebody they've heard you share in a meeting and you talk about, let's say they come up to you and say what does it mean to go through the work? You say, we're going to start on the title page and we're going to go through the 1st 164 pages and we're going to do what it says and follow the directions and answer the questions. But then the first thing you give them is a prayer. That's not necessarily in the book. I would like to say that there's many places in the book that refer to getting past their old ideas,

laying aside prejudice, many places in there. That's why I encourage people to do the set aside prayer in their own words, in their own way to whatever they believe in, as long as they understand the idea that maybe they're there because they would like. Maybe it's the first question. Would you like to have an open mind and a new experience? Because what's the thing that they say in their religious, in their spiritual experience in the appendix? There's one thing that'll keep you an everlasting ignorance, and that's contempt

prior to investigation. And don't think you'll have that kind of contempt only the first time. They'll just be new, fancy or slicker. Better sound in contempt.

Better sounding reservations.

I would like to paint a picture. I like pictures. I like to be able to see the picture in my mind.

Mark and I were talking just a minute ago about a lot of people are having a lot of questions about their first step. Let me say once again, that's a reflection that you're having an experience. Those that are still stuck in what they absolutely know when they got here on Friday night are just getting some new information. Maybe the questions will be asked later. If there's doubt, it's good

because Alcoholics always know the answer to everything. But we could take not only the rest of the weekend, it would take us a week,

and we would have to meet with each of you individually. And it would be a great delusion on our part to think that we can settle your first step questions. There is only one ultimate authority that can answer your first step questions, and it's not your sponsor and it's not the person taking you through the work. It's God expressing himself in your group conscience.

Mark's going to describe that Group A little later. I believe everybody in that group needs to be convinced to their innermost self.

And keep in mind, the big book contains the long form of the 12 traditions and the short form of the 12 traditions. The Big book also contains the short form of the 12 steps and the long form of the 12 steps. Because most of you in this room know there's a lot more to step one than just admitting that you're powerless over alcohol. And one of the great things in the first step that I was just talking about and Mark was talking about,

there's a difference between you getting a physical craving for booze when you drink booze

than you being powerless over where alcohol takes you when you put it in your body back to what you really like.

That's how I'll say that again. There's a difference between having a physical craving once you start to drink and all that. Don't get lost in the word physical craving. Someone asked me at the break, is the physical craving for crack the same feeling as the physical craving for alcohol? No, there's probably no stronger I I don't know about crack.

I don't know if there's any crack addicts here, but there's many of you that look crackish. I know that. I don't want to call anyone a crack at it, but I know this.

I know this. I know what the rush is like. I know what the physical craving is like after you shoot some cocaine. It's not the same after you take a few drinks. So don't get lost in how it feels. Don't get lost in the technical term, physical craving or phenomena of craving. It's only simple,

when you take a hit of crack, do you lose control over the amount that you're going to end up doing? Once you start, does it go past what you want? You set out to do this much, can you just do that much? Same with booze. Don't get lost in the word physical craving. Don't worry what it feels like. Some of us at different progressions of our disease, It feels different

sometimes and some of you have been there.

Your system is so messed up. You take 2 drinks, you're flat on your face because it's all messed up. Sometimes you set out to get really drunk 'cause you're with the right guys. You can't take that. You can't drink that much anymore. The simple question is, do you lose control over the amount you're going to drink once you start and can you keep yourself stopped once you stop? So what? I found my truth. It can't be your truth. Some of you have found your both, some of you'll find one. You're the other.

My truth was this. I am a real alcoholic physically. Once I take a drink, I lose control over the amount. Mentally, I can't keep myself stopped. Once I stop spiritually, I relate to the spiritual malady. But there's millions of people in the world and churches and therapy offices that suffer from the spiritual malady that you could talk to about the spiritual malady. They would understand everything on page 52, but it doesn't mean they're alcoholic.

Which leads me to believe, just because the spiritual malady was there before I ever drank, that my admission about alcoholism

has something to do with how I drank alcohol once I started, and what would happen with me and alcohol when I would stop. Find your truth, Mark. And I can't bring you to your truth. Your sponsor can't bring you to the truth. With the first step, God can show it to you. You can fully concede to your innermost self. And fully conceding to your innermost self that you're an alcoholic, an addict, or both, Al Anon, whatever it might be, is a little different than admitting that you're powerless.

The other thing I wanted to mention, and here's the picture I'd like to draw.

You see the craving, you see the obsession, you see the truth. My truth would be, if I want to get technical, I am a real alcoholic who was a hard drug user. I had the habit for drugs. It physically impaired me, mentally impaired me just a little. It could have killed me before my time, but given a sufficiently strong reason, I was able to stop, Right?

That's my truth. Then you start to look at page 52. Not what it was like then. Currently. Where are you with page 52? Now let's call that the manifestations of the current unmanageability. And I would like you to watch that list. You should write it out. Some people need to write paragraphs about each of those errors. What is it like with relationships? My emotional nature, misery and depression. Making a living that's satisfying that if you feel passionate about being of help to other people.

Fear.

So sometimes you got to write paragraph form and then pull out a list because here's what I'd like you to watch. I would like you to watch and we'll get to it. I would like you to watch that The list of current unmanageability, which is the spiritual malady as you're currently experiencing it will be a direct reflection of your current agnosticism. Doesn't it make sense? If you had full faith, you wouldn't be having trouble in that area. The current unmanageability will reflect your current agnosticism.

Your current agnosticism will reflect where you're running your life on. Self will, when you look at Step 3,

it will then put names on it and some of it, just the way you have it written, will become your first column, which will become your fear inventory, which you'll see how you take into each relationship, which will become your immense list. I would like you to see how it grows and changes, but it's basically the list you make of the current unmanageability will be the list of agnosticism, Self will, resentment, fear, relationships and it'll turn into your eight step list.

When I was on the break

I was talking with a gentleman who drank last night and

he said some great stuff.

I asked him to tell me a little bit about it, and he said he had three years and then he drank. And what we were talking,

he was talking about, you know, he seems to be a struggle with God. And I said, well, tell me about that. And he said, well, you know, when I first came in the first year or two, he said it was like a new God and there was no face and no name. And then he said, I started reading all these spiritual books and I became a spiritual wreck.

And he said, I ultimately, you know, relapsed and

thought that thought that was interesting. You know, you second step, this idea of

putting God in a box,

defining, comprehending. You know, if you ask me today, do I have any concept of God, I would say absolutely not. None, because any concept I gave you would be formulated in my mind and God is so much more than what my mind has to say about God. I have no concept of God. My experiences have been such that I have been stripped

of every concept I ever had about God,

and I've had many

came into AE.

I don't know, atheists, Probably agnostic.

Attempted church for a little while, I didn't fit in.

Still remember one time a girl saying the most significant thing in her life was there. A few times she hadn't felt close to God and I couldn't relate to that.

And then I spent some time with Native American spirituality and then some Eastern stuff, order, Saint Benedict, Catholicism, and

had an experience in 96 that was so profound that

robbed me, it stripped me of any donkey ever again. And that's just the way that went. I, I don't have any concept. It's an absolute knowing.

There's a story. I I think that really sums sums this thing up about God. It's like Joe and I are swimming in water

and the water is God, right? And the new guy comes by,

he says hi, how you guys doing? I always say we're doing great, the water is great. And so of course he's got to look slick and cool. So he didn't understand what we mean by water. So he doesn't say anything. But then he swims up to another new guy and he said,

we got to go find water. And the guy, the guy says, what are you talking about? He says, well, those guys say the water is great. Where's the water? You know, and that, that, that's my experience with God, you know, closer than breathing. And I, I got to go find God, right?

That's not been my experience anymore.

Through a course of action as outlined in steps 4 through 9 and work on the disciplines of 10/11 IS, I became awake, aware, mindful, conscious of that which is closer to me than breathing,

which is nameless and faceless

has no concept attached to it, if you will.

I tell people take a chill pill in the second step,

you know, drunk says to me they're struggling with God. My experience is that that statement has nothing to do with God. Has a lot to do with your first step though.

If you're powerless over alcohol and your experience as such with an unmanageable life and your experience is such that to drink is to die, you're going to get pretty open minded about God.

See, faced with an alcoholic death or open mindedness and the book, you know, the big book is is so gentle. They say pick your own concept,

right? So how can you sit in the rooms and say you're struggling with God when you get to pick your own concept?

You know, he doesn't say you have to believe in any kind of a God. You get to invent God. I mean, what greater act I'll hear? Invent me. You come up with me, I don't care, and I'll rise to meet you from that position.

That's really the second step.

I want to read these some of these characteristics because it ties into the third step and then I'm going to talk about steps 4 through 9.

See if any of you

suffer from any of these characteristics #1

often become angry at or afraid of authority figures, and I will attempt to work them against each other in order to get my way.

I seek approval and frequently lose my own identity in the process.

Those of you that are in relationships,

I'm able to make a good first impression but unable to follow through.

I have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized.

I have an addictive personality and I get driven to extremes at times.

I'm self rejecting and self alienated, often immobilized by anger, frustration. I'm rarely satisfied,

immusely lonely even when surrounded by people,

and a chronic complainer who blames others for what's wrong with my life.

I feel unappreciated and think I don't fit in.

I see the world is a jungle filled with selfish people who aren't there for me.

See, this just kind of warms your heart, doesn't it?

I see everything is a catastrophe, a life and death situation.

I judge life in absolutes, black or white, right or wrong. I live in the past. Why? Fearful of the future?

What a horrible way to live.

I have strong feelings of dependence coupled with exaggerated fears of abandonment.

I fear failure and rejection. I don't try new things that may not turn out well.

I'm obsessed with money and material things. I dream big plans and schemes and I have little ability to make any of them happen.

I cannot tolerate illness in myself or others.

I prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinate subordinates. I believe that rules and laws are for others, not for me. I often get addicted to excitement in life. In the fast lane, I hold emotional pain within. I lose touch with my feelings. Anybody relate to that?

Let me explain. If you relate, and all of us do, these are infantile traits that are continued into adulthood.

Name of that article is called King Baby.

And that's what we're going to begin to look at as we do inventory. I'll tell you what, it's tough looking the way I look and then acting like that. At times people get confused.

He looked so much more mature than that.

What? Why did you do that?

Just, you know, unbelievable. It wasn't that long ago I

my

my boss had asked me about a

something like for about $8. Mike Spence, accountant,

I think 2 1/2 hours later on my way to Austin, I at least 2 1/2 hours later, I'd resigned and moved on

and I snapped to that. I said what is wrong with you?

And you're 55 years old. It's over 20 years. Look what you've done with this. He has a right to ask you about that. Forgot he writes your check. Look what you've done with this. You know, just just in crazy.

This is important because we get drunk behind this. You know,

Chris, Nora was saying the other day, I really not interested in finding my inner child. I need to find my inner adult and that's the truth.

You know, there's nothing wrong with being carefree like a child, but that this infantile stuff that we bring into our life, regardless of length of sobriety, it's killing, it's killing us. It's absolutely killing us in every sense of the word. And it ties back into I, I want to read a few lines because I think it's so important to get the clarity of this as it relates to the four step. But

this is really in the, in the third step. And I'm on page 60 about this requirement that I must be convinced that my life runs Southwell can hardly work.

And it goes on and describes what it's like when you're living your life on self will. And I think we just read a great description of of the traits and they're very infantile that bring about self will in us. But

talks about on that basis me living my life on my will or playing God. I'm almost in collision with something or somebody, even though I have good motives.

Boy, there's nothing worse than a drunk with a good motive

driven by self will, right?

It says. I try to live by self propulsion. I'm like an actor, but I want to run the whole show.

I'm forever trying to arrange the lights about, lay the scenery and all the other people in my life in my own way. My group, employers, all of them. And then here's my belief system. If my arrangers would only stay put, if only all these people would do as as we wish, the show would be great.

Just how it warms my heart whenever he dead I just because it's because we know it's so true.

Everybody. And this next statement is one of the most delusional in the book and it's a belief system we have. Everybody, including ourselves, would be pleased.

You want to test that. Go ask these people who you're trying to arrange if they're pleased with your arrangements

and and now they're going to describe the toolkit of self will.

I can be virtuous to get my way. I can be kind,

consider it patient, generous, even modest and self sacrificing.

Or I can be mean, egotistical, selfish and dishonest.

That's my toolkit of self will.

What usually happens? Well, this show didn't come off very well.

I was talking with a gentleman the other day. I listened to a fifth Step and I said, you know, the problem with people like us is, is we're the director written the script. Unfortunately, we never give it to any of the other actors and and they begin to do extraneous acting. We get very upset with them for that, you know,

So it says, well, what happens is show doesn't come off very well.

And because of that, I begin to think life is not treating me right

and I'm going to exert myself more

and I'm going to be coming the next occasion exerting myself more, either more demanding or gracious. You know how we are. We evaluate the scene

and then we decide which tool we think will not work to get our way. Once, once again, I'll send her flowers,

That kind of thing.

And it goes on and says, unfortunately, though the play still does not suit us,

admitting we're somewhat at fault. We're absolutely sure SURE, other people are much more to blame.

And I become angry and ignorant and full of self pity.

By the way, it always goes that way. When yourself will does not manifest and you're being driven, you'll start with anger.

Anger will move into indignant how dare they, how dare she, how dare he and then all to me. You will sit at home or go to your meeting and you'll then be into self pity. Look at what I've done.

Da da da

says. What is my basic trouble?

Is my trouble that I'm not really a self seeker even when trying to be kind?

Am I not a victim? But it and it says a delusion that I can rest satisfaction, happiness out of this world if I only manage well. You know, I threw out a question for some of you to go ask people how am I showing up in your life? That's tied into this question right here.

I want to see if you're a victim of the delusion about your efforts to manage. The book goes on to say, is it not evident to all the rest of people in my life these are the things that I want and do not? My actions make these people wish to retaliate. Column one and two, snatching all they can get out of the show. Am I not even at my very best a producer Confusion rather than harmony

talks about I'm self-centered. Turn to page 62 if you have your book and

this ties into inventory selfishness, self-centered that we think is the root of all of our troubles. Now I want you to think of it this way. You got the word driven.

I'm going to show you how you can do an inventory and it's a full circle. Imagine this is the 4th column first driven by 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking and self pity. I step on the toes of my fellows. Column one, they retaliate. Column two, sometimes they hurt me. Column three, see me without provocation, but I can always find it says I invariably. Invariably means always. By the way,

I will invariably find that at some time in the past I have made a decision based on self column three,

which later placed me in a position to be hurt.

It's a full circle. So all my troubles are of my own making. I reap what I sow I go through life being driven into self will by fear of self delusion, self seeking, self pity. I make this decision. I pursue this course. At some point in time they become very aware that I'm trying to arrange them to suit my needs and they retaliate. So now I'm hurt. I feel hurt, threatened or interfered and then I blame them.

And it's just a full circle. I started out and I'm leftover on the other side,

so all my troubles are of my own making.

That's that sentence I told you about.

We went around the room and you all made a list of what your top ten troubles are. Please get an awareness that they're of your own making. And that's good news. That's real good news.

These troubles arise out of Maine and I am an extreme example of self oil run riot comma though. I don't think so. That's the other reason they gave you the exercise. Go ask some people who are close to you, how am I showing up to you? How do I show up?

If you're in delusion, you don't know you're in delusion.

It's nice if you have some people around you care enough about to, about you to tell you that. See, remember Joe told you that example. I'm talking to him and he, he's been on Santa Monica like a year or two. And you know, well, I got to do this fifth step with Donna said, excuse me a minute, but he lives about 2000 miles away. You need to find somebody in California to read that inventory too, and to get accountable too. Oh my God, I wouldn't have thought of that. You follow me

and then of course, the line I've talked about, it says above everything, I must be rid of this selfishness.

It's going to be your third and 4th column I muster. It will kill me. It will kill us,