Fellowship of the spirit conference at St. John's University in New York, NY

Drinking and using any anymore the problems out of the way, everything should be just hunky Dory because I'm not using drugs and alcohol anymore and I don't even know why I'm not doing that. And I was stuck on step 0, eliminating alternative after alternative after alternative until you're down to two.

Now the screwed up thing about getting down to those two alternatives when we get to them in the book, I'm going to help you see. When you finally see you think you got two, you don't have either one because you ain't been doing really well at dying and alcoholic death. You haven't been out able to blot out the consciousness of your situation and you don't have the power to live life on a spiritual basis. So as soon as you think you're too, you'll find out you don't have any.

But then you'll be on step one with no alternatives rather than on step 0

with more than two.

I would also like to talk about one more, a couple more things that are important this weekend.

The morality that Mark and I operate on is this.

There is no good. There is no bad. There is no right. There is no wrong.

The morality of Alcoholics Anonymous for me goes like this. Is it working for you? Is it working for you? He said it earlier. If you're happy, content, everything's wonderful.

Why do the steps again? Why do them for the first time if everything is going great?

This will be a really boring weekend with some information on some spiritual stuff that you can bring your virtue to and grow as a virtuous person that's having a wonderful life.

If a prayer brings you to a new desperation that you've never had, either for the first time or the 10th time approaching this work, and you get some new desperation based on a current first step,

the morality is this. What you're doing is not bad or good. What you're doing is not right or wrong. What the fellowship and those other people are doing is not right or wrong. The only question is this. Is it working for you?

The only other thing I want to mention right now is questions. A lot of questions are going to be raised. A lot of questions are going to be asked. Here's the way to approach a question. Don't answer it. Anyone who has ever heard of Zen Buddhism knows there is a term.

Anyone who's ever heard of Christian mysticism or contemplative Christianity, they use the word contemplation. Zen Buddhists use the word cohan KOAN. Those are both In Christianity, it's a it's a it's a verse, a word or a statement from the Scriptures that you choose to bring to your heart to get past mind to directly experiencing that what you've brought to your heart

centering prayer contemplation

in Zen Buddhism and in Tibetan Buddhism, they used the word Co an A Co an is a question that's asked over and over and over to take you beyond mind to directly experiencing the question. And the first time I heard that I realized that's what we've been doing with this book for a long time, turning statements into questions. But the questions that we raise because here's our pattern. We've been programmed our whole lives member in school. Here's the question first hand that goes up is the best who can answer

quickest? Take the test, finish it fastest. Give a question, got to have an answer. Here's the test. Let's drop that. Let's ask for an open mind and a new idea with a weight of approaching questions. These questions, especially in the first three steps, are meant to be considered, brought to your heart and answered experientially. Let let the answer come to you

rather than from you.

So this weekend, and it's already happened in the first break,

we have disturbed you about the question of alcoholism. Some of you. So there's a belief system let's get free of

that has almost killed all of us in this room drinking and sober. And here's what it is. If it feels good, it's good. If it feels bad, it's bad. We spend a lifetime trying to avoid quote what we think is bad. So if some of you have already been disturbed, the paradox is that's good. If some of you have not, that's bad.

Imagine you're working with someone. They've been using the set aside prayer a month, two months. You've been in the first step.

They've been in the first step. They come over to your house. You say how you feeling? Oh, everything's hunky Dory. I'm doing really well. Those are the people you worry about. Somebody's been doing the set aside prayer. They come over to your house. I'm all fucked up. Wow. Great,

the prayer is working because what are you praying for? An open mind and a new experience? And do you think your mind opening, which means old ideas being stripped away is comfortable?

So, you know, you're back to something, you know, as, as, as we did our the first session. And just so you understand, you know, Joe and I pray and meditate and we come and speaking happens and we're not responsible and accountable. I just, I don't know how else to say that we a long time ago realized that we weren't the one doing this thing. So however it flows is however it flows. I mean, that's that's number one.

That power has a sense of who needs what and and we don't and we're vehicles and the fear of it. When you get to the fear inventory, the big book says God will demonstrate through you what God can do.

So that's that's some of what some of what is going to take place here. So you work with the path of consideration. Those of you who have questions, take some of those within yourself. The over the course of you know, this this weekend up. I want to you know, there were a bunch of people that raised your hands about you. You're in your first year

and I'm going to assume that people in as someone in eight raise your hands again. Those of you that that you're you're in your first year for the first time. There were several of you raise your hands again. Would you OK? Did someone ask you if you were willing to go to any length?

OK, And you probably said yes to that, Correct. OK. And you probably said yes to a question and you didn't probably have any idea what that looked like, did you

See? Because we don't do that. We don't do that with new people. We don't do it with each other,

Joe, and I want to do that with you. When when it's time to go back to the steps and I just my consciousness moves me into that. I'm recently coming coming through having done some spiritual exercises with the first nine steps. Again,

I like to sit with either three or four questions, depending on what's going on

in my life and and we we, I want to pose those really, you know, to to you all. The 1st is, you know, do I want to do this? And do I want to do what this book is going to ask me to do? Can I say something along those lines? I give these four questions to everyone that I work with, whether they're doing it the first time or the 20th time. These are the four questions. So that's the first one is do I want

to do what is going to be

ask of me? Is this work what I want to do? Yeah. And

and another question and behind that has to do with am I willing? And the gentleman that raised his hand in the first year said he answered yes, but no one said to him and no one told him what that meant and what that looked like. So I want to read that to you, all those of you that are here, that your consciousness may move you

to go back through this again.

So I want you to be clear maybe what that looks like so you can truly answer that question if in fact you want to. Because it's real easy to say yes to a proposition when I don't know what it means, correct? So I, I want to read some stuff from 12 and 13 just so we're all clear, OK?

And it says it was only a matter of being willing to believe in a power greater than myself.

Nothing more was required to me to make my beginning. I saw growth could start from that point upon a foundation of complete willingness. I might build what I saw on my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would.

Thus was I convinced God is concerned with us humans when we want God enough. I'll talk about that later on this weekend. At long last, I saw, I felt, and I believed. Scales of pride and prejudice fell from my eyes. I hope that happens with some of you. And then a new world came into view.

The real significance of my experience in the cathedral burst upon me. For a brief moment. I needed and wanted God. There'd been a humble willingness to have God with me, and God came.

Now, those you've been sober for a while, pay attention to this next sentence. But soon the sense of God's presence was blotted out by worldly clamor, mostly those within myself. So it's been every since how blind I had been at the hospital. I was separated from alcohol for the last time. Now we're going to talk about if, if you all are willing to go to any length, we're going to talk about what this is going to look like

there. I'm going to humbly offer myself to God as I as I understand God.

Now pay attention to these next few words before you think about this to do with me as God would.

I can assure you, when I made my third step decision, I did not plan on living in Texas

to do with me as he would. That means that your life will no longer be your business. So you might want to give that a little consideration before you go back through this work because you may like the condition of your life right now.

I'm going to place myself unreservedly.

You don't think they mean unreservedly, do they? Unreservedly. Under His care and direction. No reservations of any kind. You're not going to come to the meetings anymore and talk, add infinitum about fear because you've placed yourself unreservedly under His care and protection, right? Am I willing to do that? See, I'm going to admit for the first time of myself I'm nothing.

20 years sober, right? Admit that of myself, that I have nothing, That without God I am lost.

Not was lost M lost. See, I'm going to ruthlessly face my sins. Ooh, that word.

Now I have some old ideas about that. Really just means miss the mark.

You don't think they mean ruthlessly?

Yeah, I think you might be getting into 4th and 5th step and stuff like this and and I'm going to become willing to have my newfound friend take them away. Root and branch. Root and branch, take them away.

And wow promises maybe if I'll do that, I, I, I don't have to have a drink. And then my schoolmate or somebody's going to visit me. And I'm going to fully equate this person with my problems and my deficiencies. I'm going to make a list of all the people I've hurt or toward whom I felt resentment. I'm going to express my entire willingness to approach these individuals admitting my wrong.

Never were my to be critical these people. I'm going to write all such matters to the utmost of my ability. Utmost to my ability. Get on the Internet, make phone calls, go to any links to find these people to pay this money back to the utmost of my ability.

And now I'm going to test my thinking by my new God consciousness. Common sense will become uncommon sense. I'm going to sit quietly when in doubt, which is a fairly consistent state of consciousness for us,

and I'm going to ask only for direction and strength to meet my problems as God would have me. Never am I to pray for myself except as my request born being useful to other people. Then only might I expect to receive, but that being great measure

and my friend promised when these things were done DONE.

Now you're going to get some promises not half done. It says I'm going to enter upon a new relationship with my creator. Those you've been sober for a while,

a new relationship with your creator, you would have the elements of a way of living which will answer all my problems. Plural.

Plural. That's plural. All my problems, Plural, Belief in the power of God, plus enough willingness, honest humility to establish and maintain the new order of things where the essential requirements.

And then they summarize what's going to happen to us in this exciting thing we get to do.

Simple, but not easy. We all got to pay a price. Here it is. It means destruction of self centeredness.

You don't think they mean destruction of self centeredness?

Destruction it. Destruction

of yourself. Centeredness. But we're told all the time that we can smash our ego and bring about our own surrender.

Oh just go home and surrender honey.

That makes me feel like when somebody says go home and just don't drink between meetings or all I need to do is smash my ego. Holy shit. If we could smash our egos, wouldn't we all be doing better than we are tonight?

Ego free, ego less. I'd have an ashram in India. You'd all be coming to visit me, Matt, rather than me coming to Queens to visit you.

Just get rid of your defects, you know, smash your ego. Just surrender, See. And we must turn. Then turn in all things to the Father of Light

who presides over us all. I think that's an incredible now that Newman that raised his hand who said he was in his first year

go back and and when when when that people those people ask you if you're willing to go to any length.

Don't you think it would have been kind of nice if they'd sat down and gone a link going over some of this with you so you really know what you're answering. See, I'm not here to soft sell. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous is outlined in the big book

You drink enough whiskey. This seems like a fairly easy set of propositions, but it But if maybe you haven't drank enough whiskey and you still want to run your life on self will. They may seem fairly drastic, but I think it's important that when you're going to sit down and take someone through this process or they ask you to be a sponsor,

that you'd be very clear with him what this looks like. Take about 20 minutes, get real clear, turn to page 58. Go through these steps. Talk about these three inventories. Talk about this third step decision. Let them understand from that point on their life's not their own business, even if they think it is. Talk about this fifth step. You're going to sit down. We're going to go over all this stuff. You know, your deepest darkest secrets. Of course there's sphincters going to start twitching then

you know that's that's that's what 12 step calls used to be. 12 step calls used to be people going out, usually with a bottle of whiskey in their back pocket, to meet a drunk

and layout the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now it's a big deal to drive across town to pick somebody up to drop them off at a detox place and they're really an addict, pump them full of alcohol and tell them to go in and start their recovery. That demands rigorous honesty based on a fundamental lie, because they don't cover drug addiction and let them start their recovery based on a lie that they're an alcoholic. That's a 12 step call nowadays.

So you get sorry, you get done.

He and I work well. They like Cheech and Chong, you know what I mean?

So I think it's important that we, you know, that we have a sense of what this means. Am I willing to go to any LinkedIn? You know when when I went, let me say it this way, when I got taken through the steps again this year,

I had to sit with that stuff. You know, my life's pretty good today

and I'll tell you something else. I'm a little bit awake. I'm not naive to what's going to happen through the process of the steps. I had to sit with this a little bit. Why do I say that? Because this has happened to me before and I wound up living in another state, working, doing a whole another job and didn't know a single human being. That's why. Because I know if I go back to this again, most of the belief systems I'm operating on, taking action on, are all going to get smashed and destroyed. I know you can't pour old wine into new skin.

I know that what I've been doing 10 and 11 is going to get shaky. I know I'm going to get real, real uncomfortable. I don't know what's going to happen. My life is good. You know, when I went through the work, 13 years sober, I was in Santa Monica. I had five years in Denver, Co from 82 to 8710, years in Los Angeles from 87 to 97, and five years in northern India.

If somebody was said to me the last time I went through the work before India

any lengths was going to mean and describe what would go on in my life for the next 5 years. I would have had some considerations to make. If somebody would have said my 4th or 5th time through their work in Denver that I was going to leave Denver, move out of his house, sponsors down the street, service commitment, serving on the areas committee and that I was going to be moved to California and this is what I was going to be doing the next 10 years, I would have had some considerations. So as far as those of you that want to lay out the assign

that I would give somebody and I know Mark does the same thing first thing I would give him and I don't tell him how to say the set aside prayer anymore.

My sponsor pulled a joke on me not too long ago when I called him last time I called him, you can imagine this one Matthew, he he said, and I thought he was being serious. He said, you know, you stuck me with something son, that I've been I've been blamed for for a long time. And I thought some horrible thing I did in Denver or something and I said what? And he said that set aside prayer because to me, the set aside from him, it was a comment to a maniac that he heard shares experience. And he said, my godson, you know enough about yourself,

alcoholism and how you to be dangerous to yourself and everybody around you. Why don't you just say a prayer for an open mind and a new experience? That's where that prayer came from. Right now we've Richard, he hates that. We've ritualized it, formalized it. It's in the workbook. It's written out. I just say to people, please, are you here for? Are you here for a new experience with the steps? Yeah. Try a prayer in your own words, in your own way, to whatever you believe in.

Krishna,

Muhammad, Christ, but whatever you believe in, say this prayer, put aside what I think I know for an open mind and a new experience. And I'll tell you 99.9 per cent of the time when they come back in a week or so, those get this one, those with first step reservations that are going to come out in a little bit, they will have changed the set aside prayer to this. They even did it in this damn workbook from Santa Monica. They'll it'll, they'll change it to this. Dear God, please help me

set aside everything I think I know. All of a sudden God's the helper and I'm the one that's going to set the stuff aside, right? Old Dan, Dan Sherman's changed it into dear God, enable me now. God's an enabler, right? A dysfunctional. God's a dysfunctional enabler. Gandhi has an eating disorder, right? And

dear God enabled me to set aside everything I think I know. No, no, no, no, no. God's not just the little help of your pull out of the closet. You know, when you need a little help with the stuff that's getting a little rough, just say to whatever you believe in, please set aside what I think I know for an open mind and a new experience. And whatever you want to put there in the middle. Say it from your heart about this, this day. What's ever in your heart that time, Say it in the morning.

Say it during the day. When it comes to you, say it at night.

Say it when you sit down to work on whatever assignment you're working on. So I give people some sort of prayer to do from their heart.

Then the four questions, is this work what I want to do? Don Koi is the Native American teacher I had who's 3030 years sober now. I think he always said, even the first time, he always said two things that have always stuck with me. If you're doing the work for the first time, enjoy it because you'll never do the work for the first time ever again. And you'll never do the work without power. You know when you're doing the work the first time. This is a long way back for me to remember, but I do remember this.

Remember when you're doing the work the first time and you're just getting enough from each step to just barely do the next,

you've gotten the first column out, you've gotten the second column out and you just got enough to be able to do the third column. And then when you're done with the third, I've always said this, there's a miracle at each step, but the real miracle is when you're in the action of the next, right? And then he would also say with the question, is this work what I want to do? It somehow involves the ego that's right there, that's currently there in the process of doing it, and quells it a little bit because answering the question, is this work what I want to do

involves the ego to the point where the ego will be involved in you starting the process and it'll get smashed. It'll get it'll, it'll think it's part of it because it helped you decide. Is this work what I want to do? Your ego will get right behind it. Yeah, this works. What I want to do.

Are you willing to go to any length? And I don't think of whether it's the first time or the umpteenth time. You ought to add something to that. Even though I might not know what any length might look like,

I don't think when they say any length, they mean

any length that I can currently dream up at this time. I think when they say any length, they could possibly mean any length.

And I always thought that meant you mean you're not going to, I'm not going to be asked to do anything out of the parameters of the 1st 164 pages. Then you're stuck. You're worshiping the book. God is everything or is nothing. And that spiritual stuff that's outside the program, that's how you refer to it. I don't see inside outside anymore because I'm not inside outside,

right? You're either living a spiritual life and everything you do is spiritual, or you're not living a spiritual life and everything you do isn't spiritual. There's no like, what do we like? What do we like? The miner stream? And somewhere out there in the city is the mainstream and this is the unreal world. And now I'm functioning. Let me tell you this, if that's the real world out there and you all know it a lot better than a lot of other people in this country, if that's the real world out there,

I don't want to be a part of it.

But we are. They ain't separate. Is this work what I want to do? Am I willing to go at any length, though I might not know what that might look like? Then the most important is why do I want to do this work? Do you think if somebody came to Mark Houston after answering the third question and said I want to do the work to get my wife back, get everything straightened out and feel better, he'd say time's up

because he uses a timer and he's a busy man, right? People call him and he said you got 3 minutes timer set, go.

Why do you want to do this work? I don't want to give it away, but for me, if it doesn't have a little something to do with life and death, you might want to go somewhere else for people that can, you know, there's people that can help Alcoholics. I'm not one of them. Let me say this, this, this will get you to think. I do not look for people I can help anymore.

I used to think that's our job, isn't it? We're supposed to go out there and look for alkies that we can help. You know what? You end up with hard drinkers that a human power can help.

You know what I look for? I look for mad dogs that nobody can help and I point them to that which already is helping them and they don't even know it. I point him to God. I quit helping people. It takes such a strain off you sponsors that feel so overwhelmed by all your pigeons, babies, proteges, or whatever demeaning name that you currently call them, call and tell you about. Just point them to God.

Is it working? Keep doing it. Is it not working? Try this but point him to God. Be a pointer,

but don't be a sponsor that points them this way because then all you're doing is collecting dependence. You can claim on your income tax to God

your spiritual how many I don't want to I don't want.

How many dependents do you have? 17.

Consider this one. I gave this one to my friend that I'm taking, that I'm helping with the work right now. I used to also believe that too, Chris. I can take people through the work. Holy shit. I must have thought I had a lot of power. What I have now, I don't have protegees. I don't have babies, I don't have sponsees. I have friends that I watch seek God. We do it together. I'm a human. I'm right there with them. You're fucked up. I'm fucked up. You did that. I did that. Let me tell you what I did when I was 15 years sober, right?

My sponsor accuses me of being crazy sometimes. When I told him how I ended up going to India, he said, how could you not? How many people ever get an invitation like that? But I've had sometimes where I was just a little bit off track. You know, what are you doing out there in California with that kind of lifestyle you're living? I remind him, And this is going to be said, this is going to be said, That's going to finally be said. So when you meet him, you can ask him,

right? My sponsor, Don Pritz, when he was seven years sober, moved to South Utah, married a Mormon woman, got a

second wife. They all lived together. He was taught by the man, the saucer man, how to call the saucer of John Smith and make it appear, and he would take groups out under the desert and call the saucer that John Smith is in seven years sober,

having done the work.

He took groups on the desert to call the saucer of John Smith. And then he had what he calls his desert experience and left those two wives and came back to Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, don't tell me, don't tell me going to India was crazy, right? Right.

So is this work what you want to do? Do you really want to do this work? I had a couple times. I haven't been through the work in two years till I asked Mark in March, right

Couple times. I decided, no, now's not the time to have the freedom and the grace and the power to be able to. That's what the 10 steps about. Because if you've done the work before, you're not doing the work by yourself without power. You're doing the work with power. Using 10 and 11 to do one through 9. We learned about that from Don Koyas, Don Pritz and all of our our heroes. You're using, You're using 10:11 and 12:00 to do one through 9,

right? You're deciding proper use of the will. Is this work what I want to do again?

If you've ever gotten past your first set of amends, I'm only talking to two or three of you in the room. I saw you when your hands went up, Right.

Everyone else, you're halfway through Amends 3/4. You live in Texas, You live in New Jersey. I don't give a shit. You live in Harlem. You've had a spiritual awakening as a result of one through 9 1/2 could be amazing, but you haven't had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps.

The 12th step tells you.

What's the other question? Is this work what I want to do? Am I willing to go to any length, though I might not know what that would look like? Why do I want to do this work and why with me? Because when you leave my house, the kind of people that come to my house, that's what I'm going to ask myself. Why me?

They better have a good reason why they've asked me. You're famous celebrity tapes. Fuck you. Get out of here, right? Why? Why me

and what areas are you currently being dishonest about in your life with yourself and with others? And look at every area of your life. IRS you're giving your employer a Faraday's work relationship

significant other relationship relationship with yourself, your physical body, your emotional state, your mental state, what areas you being dishonest with yourself and others. You know, it's it's funny as Joe and I are laughing the other day. You

consciousness

says let's

takes us back through the steps again. But Gee, he and I were laughing because what's happened as a result of that, when that begins to come up, we both kind of begin to suffer from PTSD. I mean, we were living in in Denver with a with a great life and and begin to go back to the work and the next thing he knows he's out in in Los Angeles, right. And that kind of deals going on and

I wind up in Texas and then I've lived in four places in Texas and jobs start and jobs end. And,

and I don't know if he's thought about this, but he had be begun the process of going through the steps and then ultimately winds up down in India, which is, that's a little jaunt.

And he's down there and I think what maybe two years ago started the steps again. And now here he is sitting in Queens and he's not in India anymore. So, so when we sit down and answer these questions, we, we really like to sit with him for a little bit

because we have a lot of experience. What that could truly mean is somewhere in the middle of these steps, I could be in the other side of the continent. And we know that today and the eagle will want to answer him right away. Sure, I want to do the work. Then you've just shut off. Here's here's the deal. If your post with a question and you answer it right away, you've stopped any experience you can have with the question because you've already gone to what you already know.

Sit with the question, let the experience come. Don't answer it right away. Give yourself

always look at every question that we're going to pose at the first three steps that are these first four ones.

Look at a question as a coin. Every every question has two sides. Those have been around for a while. You will get much more benefit like from the from the first question, is this work what I want to do? Don't answer it. Look at. Maybe I don't.

Am I willing to go to any length to do this work again? Maybe I'm not.

That's how you look at a question like a coin. Does your experience abundantly confirm that once you put alcohol in your system, something happens which makes it virtually impossible for you to stop? Sure. Then you're you've done, you're done with the experience of it. You've stopped the experience by the answer. And that goes so much against the way we've been programmed. The answer stops the experience. The consideration. Mark should talk now about

three types of people that approach the work.

Yeah, I want a couple other comments on a new approach to work. Those of you that know Chris are walk up and ask him about the changes in his life as a result of reworking the steps. See walk up and ask Mike Lawrence about his life. You know you, I'm telling you ignorance is bliss sometimes, but that there's probably reasons in the big book why they why they tell you, you know you, you really ought to consider this or why prior to the third step, they say

you really need to think about this.

Making sure you are ready, See, making sure you're ready. It's one thing to to say you want to go back through the process again and experience a revolutionary spiritual experience when you don't have a car and your life's upside down. It's a whole nother deal.

Maybe when your life, you know, there's a line which I think sums us all up and which at times will kill us. We become victims of the delusion that we will be happy and satisfied if we only manage well.

Meaning. Do we think we know what our light should look like, our life should look like, who should be in it, where we should live, where we should work, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And that has descended on me many times in my in in my sobriety. And I've suffered the consequences of that. But a guy from Denver moves to LA.

I'm 12 years sober.

I put myself in a position in my own Home group where a heavyweight moves from Denver to LA. Now all of a sudden he's the only one I can go to qualified to take Joe Hawk through the work. Whoa, right. Mark had already been the one that told me after I was there two years when I had an inventory. And I said to Mark, Don Pritz is the only person that can hear this inventory. Mark said, how many years you been in Santa Monica? I said two. He said, where does Don Pritz live?

Said Denver. He said could Don Pritz die at anytime? I said yes. He said, what if something happens to Don? You better let some people get to know you where you live. And I had done many fist steps with people in Santa Monica, in my Home group, and with women.

If you're a man and you miss the experience of ever fist stepping with a woman, you've missed it. If you're a woman and you've missed the experience of fist stepping with a man, we're going to get into that later too. Multiple fist step book says it.

So he moves from Denver to LA. I go right to him. I got to do one through 9.

He said great. He said, let's go to the liquor store. I said cool. I thought we were going to go to the liquor store. He said no, no, right here in my living room. I said cool. He said, OK, you're 12 years sober. You just pulled up to the liquor store. Where you at? How's it feel? He took me right there. I was there. I said, you know, I'm not feeling much at all. I'm a little bored. It ain't, it ain't too exciting and it ain't too depressing. You know, that's the place I hate. I can handle. I can handle severe depression and I can handle mania,

but don't give me a mediocre day. 12 years. So don't give me mediocre. I got to be doing something. I'm taking people through the work. I'm speaking all over the country. I'm controversial, right? It's a mediocre day. I just pulled up to a liquor store, 12 years sober, He says. How's it feel? Said Blase. He said walk in. He said where's your wall?

He said, is your wall brown or is it clear? I said my wall's clear.

It's vodka,

he said. What kind you want? I said Citronelle, and I heard about it. It's flavored vodka. They didn't have it 20 years ago. I got to have some because I drink kamikazes. I drink vodka, right? And I heard there's some new vodka that's flavored already. Give me some orange, whatever it is. Stoli, he said. What size you buy? I said leader,

He said you didn't buy 1/2 pint. I said, what the Hell's 1/2 pint? I hadn't had 1/2 pint since I was. Unless it's all I got. You know, I ain't had a beer since I was 17 unless I had to. He said. I bought a liter. He said now you're buying it. Yeah. You're out in the car. Yep. How's it feel? No, not much. Nobody's going to know, he said. Now tell me where that first leader would take you. I started into this long elaborate story like you tell at one of these nauseating like Chris War story.

I had a big elaborate idea of where that first leader would take me. The man laughed in my face. He said you better go home and pray about that. Come back next week. Same time I woke up one more. Have you ever woken up laughing? I know you have. Have you ever woken up laughing at yourself? I woke up one morning laughing at myself and I realized, you know what? I don't have a clue where that first leader would take me. Maybe nothing would happen.

What if the grace of God protected me from the physical craving,

guys? Everything. Oh, he wouldn't be there for that. We're going to talk about that this weekend, too. What if nothing happened? Just get drunk, Come back tomorrow. I don't need to tell anybody. Just show up at the meeting. I'm still 12 years sober, right? Maybe I'm dead the next morning. Maybe I'm in Tijuana, maybe I'm calling him. Maybe I'm banging on a treatment center door. I don't have a clue where that first leader would take me. I went back and I told him. He said good. Then he gave me one of these questions. I thought along the lines of these four questions we've been talking about. I thought it was a Denver

trick question. And a Denver trick question goes like this. If you say you're willing, you probably won't have to. But if you say you're not, you'll probably have to. So here was the question. Would you be willing to quit working with people and speaking or sharing anywhere until you're done with your next set of amends? And he got up and he went in the bathroom. And I thought to myself, OK, he's from Denver. If I say I'm willing,

I won't have to. But if I have any resistance at all, then he'll say that I better.

So then my mind went off.

He stayed in the bathroom long enough for me to realize if I wasn't willing to put that stuff aside, I was going to drink. Because you know what? My mind started saying What will happen to those poor people that I sponsor?

How can I not carry the message? Because I think working with others and carrying the message once again are things that keep me sober.

He came out. I said, yeah, you know, I just watched what went on in my mind. I'm, I'm willing to do that. He said, OK, it wasn't a trick question. He said, quit working with people and don't speak and don't share until you're done with this next set of the next piece of work through amends. He, we both knew it would only be a few months

and he didn't want me to quit doing that stuff, to quit doing that stuff. He wanted me to quit doing that stuff to see the subtle shift that I had turned those things into. And you know what I had turned those things into. You know how all of you that do what's in the big book make fun of those people that don't do what's in the big book because they got their own little list of illusions. I just don't drink. I go to meetings, 90 meetings and 90 days. I choose not to drink. But your ego's so slick. You got a neat, shiny, bright, cool sound and list of new things. I read the book. I work with others. I take others through the work. I.

Work the steps. And he wanted me to see that I had turned those things into my little list of what I do to keep myself sober, rather than what you and I get to do to seek that which is already keeping us sober. And it's a big shift. It's a big shift because I had my little list, 12 years sober, of what I do to keep myself from pulling up to that liquor store.