Fellowship of the spirit conference at St. John's University in New York, NY
Good
evening,
everybody.
My
name
is
Mark
Houston.
I'm
an
alcoholic
and
uh,
a
power
that
I
was
asleep
to
separate
me
from
alcohol
the
morning
of
October
19th
of
1982.
And
it
is
that
power
that
has
kept
me
separated
from
alcohol
since
1982,
in
spite
of
myself.
So
good
to
be
here.
New
York's
beginning
to
feel
like
a
third
or
second
home
or
something.
I
find
that
to
be
interesting.
We
were
talking
last
night.
I
got
to
tell
you,
you
know,
Yeah.
Perceptions,
You
know,
everyone
in
the
room
from
birth
to
this
moment,
you
feel
you.
You
form
perceptions.
And
then
you
form
ideas
and
then
you
formulate
belief
systems,
and
they
dictate
your
life.
And
I
was
born
and
raised
in
Iowa,
in
the
Midwest.
And
for
prior
to
ever
come
to
New
York
City
had
formulated
some
belief
systems
about
you
all
and
I
discovered
about
90%
of
them
were
not
true
riding
in
traffic.
Today,
10%
are,
although
there
was
another
little
fun
incident.
By
the
way,
Joe,
Joe
and
I
have
a
bodyguard
here
with
us
tonight.
We're
not
naive
anymore
and
any
rate
I
had
gone
up
to
Bally's
about
10:00
in
the
morning.
I've
done
prayer
and
meditation
and
I
was
running
on
a
treadmill
and
then
there's
a
plate
glass
in
the
sidewalk
and
all
of
a
sudden
over
about
a
10
or
15
minute
period
I
got
to
watch
some
extreme
violence
between
2
human
beings
right
in
front
of
me
as
I'm
on
this
treadmill
talking
to
this
girl.
And
I
mean
right
in
front
of
me
like
this
is
big
plate
glass
and
I
real,
real
little
Hispanic,
very,
very
large
African
American.
I
first
thing
I
realized
is
Hispanic
guys
either
on
crack
or
just
real
dumb
because
there's
a
there's
about
100
lbs
difference
in
the
African
American.
It
was
obviously
a
bodybuilder.
He
wasn't
didn't
have
an
overweight
problem
and
and
then
you
watch
this
thing
and
they
were
like
two
bees
squatting
the
night.
After
a
while,
I
could
tell
Hispanic
I
was
praying
to
God
he
wished
he
had
a
gun.
And,
and
I'm,
I'm
just
running.
I'm,
I'm
just,
I'm
saying
God,
this
is
just
amazing,
this
world
I
live
in.
And
so
anyhow,
finally,
at
some
point
in
time,
the
Hispanic
guy
realized
his
life
is
probably
in
danger
and
he
took
off
running.
And
of
course,
the
only
problem
was
he
drove
a
security
truck
which
happened
to
be
parked
right
there.
So
the
other
gentleman
waited
for
about
10
minutes
and
I'm
still
running.
I'm
just
watching
and
he's
prowling
around
the
thing,
you
know.
And
I,
of
course
what
I'm
doing
is
seeing
a
lot
of
myself
there,
you
know
what
I
mean,
In
living
color
in
front
of
me.
And
then
finally
he,
he
laughed.
He
didn't
even
come
in
and
work
out.
I
guess
he
got
one
there
and
and
then
I
I
thought,
OK,
that's
interesting.
So
then
I
get
in
my
car
and
I'm
getting
ready
to
pull
out
in
I
had
my
cell
phone
and
I
didn't
realize
that
you
all
have
had
a
change
in
laws
up
here.
And
I
happen
to
be
on
my
cell
phone
without
the
little
microphone.
And
I
apparently
did
not
turn
fast
enough
for
a
gentleman
behind
me.
And
so
the
next
thing
I
knew,
I
had
a
guy
on
the
left
with
the
window
down
hollered
in
obscenities
I
haven't
even
heard
before
at
me.
And
so
the
guy
I'm
talking
to,
I,
Cassie
said
to
him,
excuse
me,
but
do
you
now
have
a
law
in
New
York
about
talking
in
cell
phones?
And
I,
I
won't
even
go
into
what
was
being
said
to
me.
And
it
was
obvious
he
was
going
to
stay
paced
by
pace
with
me
until
I
really
got
his
point.
And
he
said,
yeah,
Mark,
it
is
against
law.
So
so
I
go
in
and
I
turn
around,
I
just
smile,
You
know,
I
said,
I
think
I'm
going
to
go
back
to
house
and
meditate.
So
anyhow,
I've
had,
I've
had
some
fun
here,
but
to
say
the
least,
I
one
thing
Joe
and
I
were
talking
about
that
I
do
love
about
people
I've
met
on
the
East
Coast
is,
is
that
you're
real
to
the
extent
to
which
you
are
real.
Joe
and
I
go
a
lot
of
places
and
people
come
up
all
the
time
and
know
I'm
glad
you
hear
and
then
turn
around,
assassinate
our
character.
And
here
you're,
you're
just
real
clear.
I,
you
know,
you'll
come
up
and
say,
you
know,
I
just
really
don't
care
for
you.
I
want
you
to
know
that,
you
know,
you
just
really
pissed
me
off
big
time
last
time.
And
thank
you
very
much.
And,
you
know,
it's
just,
see,
I
can
work
with
that.
You
know
what
I
mean?
See,
Joe
and
I
were
talking
about
that,
you
know,
sometimes
a
guy
would
come
up
and
hug
or
shake
your
hand
and
he'll
leave
and
you
feel
like
you
got
slime
all
over
and
you
can't
figure.
And
he'll
say,
oh,
it's
so
great
to,
you
know,
And
he
leaves.
And
it's
like,
why
do
I
feel
so
weird,
you
know?
Well,
it's
because
he's
lying
to
you,
right?
That
kind
of
a
thing.
So
I
appreciate
that.
So
stay
real
with
us
all
weekend.
I
don't
think
that'll
be
a
problem
for
many
of
you,
but
there's
a
quote
I
want
to
read.
I'll
share
with
you
some
writers
and
authors
and
spiritual
men
and
women
who've
influenced
some
of
my
life.
But
like
to
read
this,
it's
a
little
bit
about
I
think
why
I'm
here.
It
says
all
I
can
do
for
you
is
challenge
your
beliefs
and
the
belief
system
that
make
you
unhappy.
All
I
can
do
is
help
you
unlearn.
That's
what
the
learning
is
all
about
where
spirituality
is
concerned.
Unlearning,
Unlearning
almost
everything
that
you
have
been
taught.
A
willingness
to
unlearn,
to
listen.
And
that's
from
a
book
called
Awareness
by
a
man
named
Anthony
Demello.
And
I
suspect
that
Joe
and
I
would
hope
that
some
of
that
will
happen
for
you
this
weekend.
I
would
like
to
to
say
a
prayer.
It's
a
practice
that
I've
been
working
with
for
for
a
little
while.
And
I
think
the
prayer
itself
will
will
speak
to
you
about
what
the
practice
is.
And
then
in
our
own
way,
each
of
us
can
fight
the
the
God
of
our
understanding,
the
God
of
our
experience
in
into
the
room
here
to
open
up
our
minds
and
hearts
for
what
might
take
place
here.
This
this
weekend
is
we're
joined
together
as
a
spiritual
body.
So
if
you'll,
if
you'll
join
me
in,
in
a
prayer,
I'd
like
to
say
our
Creator,
we
thank
you
for
bringing
us
together
in
fellowship
and
in
love
this
weekend.
And
please
give
us
awareness
that
that
this
breath
that
we're
taking
at
this
very
moment
is
a
breath
we
have
no
experience
with.
And
please
make
us
aware
that
from
this
moment
on
to
the
rest
of
this
weekend
that
we
have
never,
ever
had
the
experience
that
lies
before
us.
Keep
our
eyes
and
our
ears
and
our
hearts
open
to
the
wonder
and
the
newness
and
freshness.
And
if
we're
here
with
people
we
know,
help
us
to
realize
and
understand
our
Creator
that
within
the
next
breath,
and
anything
from
that
breath
as
we
experience
them,
it
is
all
new.
Let
us
go
through
this
weekend
with
open
minds
and
open
hearts
and
be
of
service
and
love
to
each
other.
Amen.
A
couple
other
things
in,
then
I'll
turn
this
over
to
Joe.
It's
good
to
be
sitting
up
here
with
Joe
Joe
again.
Joe
is
my
oldest
living
friend,
sober
living
friend.
Joe's
been
sober
a
lot
longer
than
me
and
somewhere
around
60
days
I
think
in.
I
was
in
treatment,
getting
detoxed
in
1982
when
I
first
met
Joe,
and
we
were
talking
about
that
on
the
plane.
You
know,
if
you'll
stay
open
to
an
experience
with
this
power,
whatever
you
want
to
call
the
power,
some
things
can
happen
that
you
just
be
on
your
wildest,
wildest
dreams
that
you
could
ever
come
up
with.
And
he
and
I
sitting
here
almost
20
years
later
is
certainly
a
an
example
of,
you
know,
of
that
experience
getting
sober
in
Denver,
Co
and
series
of
events
and
living
in
a
lot
of
places
and
towns
and
those
kinds
of
things.
And
he
and
I
really,
this
is
the
first
thing
we've
got
a
chance
to
do
together
really
in
almost
five
years.
And
I
told
him
I
I
was
excited
about
doing
this
with
him.
He
said,
why?
And
I
said,
well,
you
haven't
talked
for
five
years.
And
I
said,
so
you
got
a
lot
of
stuff.
And
I
said,
I've
been
doing
probably
a
little
bit
too
much
and
I
don't
have
much.
So
I
said,
it's
going
to
be
a
good
mix.
You're
just
going
to
be
on
the
tape
a
lot
more
than
me.
So
I'm
looking
forward
to
this
weekend.
We'll
turn
this
over
to
Joe
and
then
I,
I
do
have
an
intent
for
this
weekend
and
I'm
going
to
share
with
you
all
when
he's
done.
And
then
I
had
to
laugh.
Someone
said
to
me,
well,
how
do
you
and
Joe
prepare
for,
for
something
like
this?
And
I
said,
oh,
in
my
case,
I
drank
alcohol
for
20
years,
came
into
a
A
and
that's
how
I
prepare.
So
we're
here
to
share
our
experience
with
you
all
out
of
the
Big
Book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
and
our
experiences
with
spiritual
living
and
our
defects
and
our
shortcomings
and
probably
a
whole
bunch
of
other
things.
So
that
being
said,
let
you
listen
to
my
dear
friend
Joe.
Hi,
I'm
Joe.
I'm
an
alcoholic.
It's
good
to
be
here
for
me.
I
have
a
strong
connection
with
the
East
Coast.
Actually,
I
I
grew
up
in
Battle
Creek,
MI,
which
is
halfway
between
Detroit
and
Chicago.
And
that
was
kind
of
what
I
was
like.
I
was,
I
was
a
white
guy
who
lived
halfway
between
Detroit
and
Chicago
who
wanted
to
be
black.
I
really
did
because
I
didn't
feel
right
in
my
family.
I
wanted
to
be
anything
other
than
when
I
than
what
I
was.
I
met
a
Mexican
woman
when
I
was
17,
she
was
34.
And
then
I
wanted
to
be
a
Mexican.
She
was
the
first
woman
my
mother
ever
caught
me
in
bed
with.
And
my
I
lived
in
the
basement
in
my
parents
home
and
she
came,
my
mother
came
down
one
morning
and
there's
a
I'm
17
and
there's
a
34
year
old
Mexican
woman
in
bed
with
me
and
three
Mexican
children
on
the
sofa.
And
that
was
five
years
after
they
didn't
know
what
to
do
with
me
because
at
age
12,
I
had
a
spiritual,
I
had
a
spiritual
awakening,
and
they
thought
I
was
fucked
up.
And
I
thought,
and
I
felt
whole
the
first
time
everyone
else
thought
I
was
fucked
up.
I
started
to
feel
whole
when
I
look
weird
to
the
rest
of
the
world.
And
when
I
felt
weird,
they
just
thought
I
was
kind
of
a
quiet
kid.
And
there's
not
a
big
difference
between
my
first
spiritual
awakening
the
the
awakening
that
I
had
when
were
alcohol
worked
the
first
time
and
the
spiritual
awakening
I
had
when
alcohol
didn't
work
the
last
time.
And
a
lot
of
you
can
look
at
those
two
times
and
I'm
sure
everyone
in
this
room
had
an
awakening.
It
doesn't
mean
the
first
time
you
drank,
but
I
think
they
can
that
for
me
they
were
really
similar.
One
felt
really
good
and
it
connected
me
to
something
I
had
never
been
connected
to
and
that
was
when
the
the
first
time
alcohol
worked.
And
the
last
one
felt
really
bad
but
it
connected
me
to
something
I
had
never
been
connected
to.
The
only
thing
that
alcohol
and
drugs
ever
blocked
me
from.
I've
always
thought
it's
interesting
that
alcohol
and
drugs
treat
alcoholism
and
drug
addiction.
I
hope
there's
nobody
here
in
this
room
with
a
drinking
problem.
And
I
don't
mean
drinking
today.
I
hope
there's
somebody
in
the
room
that
drank
today
or
yesterday.
But
I
hope
there's
nobody
in
this
room
with
a
drinking
problem
because
a
A
is
not
for
people
with
drinking
problems,
because
people
with
drinking
problems
stop
drinking
and
that's
their
problem
and
they
get
better
when
the
problems
out
of
the
way.
I
hope
this
room
is
filled
with
people
who
when
they
quit
drinking,
they
got
somehow
worse
and
worse
and
worse
inside.
Because
I
understand
you.
I
know
you.
I
met
a
guy
last
night.
We
knew
we,
we
knew
each
other
the
first
time
we
looked
at
each
other.
I
knew
him.
First
time
I
met
Sydney,
I
knew
him.
First
time
I
met
Larry,
I
knew
him.
I
told
him
last
night
in
West
Orange.
I
see
this
as,
and
this
will
date
some
of
you
and
I
can
bring
it
up
for
you
younger
people,
but
I
see
this
as
Appalachia
when
the
five
heads
of
the
five
families
came
together
in
Appalachia.
And
but
that
was
that
was
about
causing
harm
and
crime
and
corruption
and
disunity.
And
I
hope
the
five
heads
of
the
five
families
that
have
come
together
from
Harlem
and
Staten
Island
and
Queens,
and
hopefully
there's
some
people
from
Manhattan
and
wherever
the
other,
the
5th
head
of
the
family
is
from,
Mike
Lawrence,
would
have
to
be
mentioned
in
there
somewhere
as
the
obsessive
compulsive
5th
head
of
the
family.
And,
and
I
hope
we
come
together
to
to
promote
some
unity
in
this
area
among
people
that
are
interested
in
doing
what's
in
the
big
book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Because
there's
no
reason
for
any
friction
between
anybody
in
this
room
or
anybody
in
the
groups
that
you
go
to.
Because
if
you're
getting
closer
to
God,
you
should
not
be
moving
further
away
from
people.
Thomas
Merton
spent
many,
many
years,
what
a
lot
of
people
thought
was
a
moving
away
from
the
world.
And
he
said
the
more
he
was
silent
and
in
retreat,
the
closer
he
got
to
people.
And
people
from
all
over
the
world
just
started
to
come
and
see
him.
I've
been
five
years
in
India
and
some
people
thought
I
was
living
in
a
cave
or
something.
Shit,
I
was
living
in
a
guest
house
with
cable
TV,
hunting,
running
water
and
a
telephone.
And,
you
know,
a
couple
people
even
called
me,
you
know,
and
I
was
having
a
ball,
you
know,
because
I
hit
bottomless
stuff
in
a
a
that
you
all
told
me
that
I
should
have
kept
doing.
I've
had
many
bottoms
in
AA.
I've
been
at
agnostic
and
on
a
regular
basis.
And
a,
a
lot
of
people
think
they
read
the
chapter
to
the
agnostics
once
some
people
skimmed
right
over
it
because
they
thought
they
were
big
time
believers.
But
I,
I
saw
I
was
an
agnostic
the
first
time
I
read
the
chapter.
And
I
saw
that
I
have
some
current
agnosticism
the
last
time
I
read
the
chapter
with
this
guy
right
here
after
asking
him
to,
to
help
me
with
this
work
starting
in
March.
And
I'm
glad
that's
a
person
that
knows
I
wasn't
coming
to
him.
I
was
coming
to
what
he's
found
also
that
we
joined
together
in.
That's
why
we
call
this
the
fellowship
of
the
spirit
rather
than
just
let's
come
together
in
the
spirit
of
the
fellowship.
A
lot
of
people
in
this
room
know
the
big
book
talks
about
two
fellowships,
one
at
the
beginning
of
the
work
that
all
of
us
have
experienced.
And
then
you
started
to
hate
it.
And
then
you
started
to
hate
it
and
you
couldn't
stand
it
because
you
were
in
a
condition
that's
the
most
miserable
condition
for
an
alcoholic
to
ever
be
in.
And
that
is
sobriety.
I
hate
sobriety
in
that
condition.
But
then
you
found
somebody
who
was
involved
in
the
in
the
Fellowship
of
the
Spirit.
And
it
didn't
matter
what
color
they
were,
how
they
looked,
how
it
didn't
even
really
matter
some
of
the
stuff
they
were
doing
in
their
life
because
they
had
been
changed.
And
it
scared
me
when
I
met
Don
Pritz
and
it
scared
me
because
I
thought
he
had
changed
himself.
And
I'd
been
trying
to
change
myself
for
many,
many,
many
years.
And
when
I
hit
bottom
with
the
second-half
step
one,
I'm
going
to
mention
this
term
many
times
and
we
can
come
back
to
it
in
different
ways.
And
I
just
heard
it
the
other
night
from
from
a
friend
in
Dallas
who
got
sober
in
our
group
in
Santa
Monica.
And
she
said,
what
happens
to
a
lot
of
us,
whether
you're
talking
backwards
through
the
steps,
so
you're
even,
you're
either
moving
backwards
through
the
steps
tonight
or
you're
moving
forward
through
the
steps.
And
I
can
show
you
how
that's
worked
for
me.
But
she
said
no
matter
what
direction
you're
moving
in
the
steps,
you
can
get
stuck
on
the
dash.
You
know
that
dash
between
the
first
half
of
step
one
and
the
second-half
of
step
one.
And
we
used
to
be
really
clear
with
the
guy
as
we
were
working
with
that.
There's
the
first
half
of
step
one
and
the
second-half
of
step
one.
And
we
made
a
big
mistake
because
we
disconnected
the
second-half
of
step
one
for
people
and
they
started
doing
the
work
based
on
the
unmanageability
they
got
halfway
through
the
9th
step,
their
life
changed.
They
had
a
spiritual
awakening
as
a
result
of
one
through
9
1/2
told
people
they
went
through
the
steps,
right.
I've
been
through
the
steps.
They
still
got
unfinished
amends.
You
haven't
been
through
the
steps.
They
got
stuck
on
the
dash
because
the
unmentionability
got
better
and
those
unfinished
amends
didn't
have
nothing
to
do
with
the
first
half
of
step
one
anymore.
And
I've
gotten
stuck
on
the
dash
before.
I
kind
of,
I
think
if
Mark
and
he
said
that
we've
made
a
commitment
to
be
genuine
with
genuine
people,
'cause
this,
I'll
tell
you,
this
ain't,
no,
this
ain't
like
the
Los
Angeles.
There's
only
a
couple
places
in
Los
Angeles
that
I
can
feel
the
energy
that
I
feel
right
now
right
here
in
this
room.
And
that's
among
people
that
are
doing
what's
in
the
book.
We're
all
basically
the
same
all
over
the
country.
You
know,
one
part
of
the
program
doesn't
work
for
us.
We're
sicker
than
most.
We
need
the
whole
thing.
We're
not
better
or
special
or
different.
We're
just
a
little
sicker
than
those
that
get
well
on
the
fellowship.
You
know,
just
not
drinking
and
going
to
meetings
didn't
treat
what
the
people
in
this
room
suffer
from
or
you'd
just
be
not
drinking
and
you'd
be
going
to
meetings.
You
wouldn't
be
here
tonight.
That's
an
interesting
thing
too.
But
there's
a
couple
places
I
feel
the
energy
like
I
feel
in
this
room.
But
and
one
of
those
places
is
South
Central
LA
and
a
group
called
the
Truth
of
Light
in
the
way
and
that
energy
was
in
the
room
last
night.
And
when
I
start
to
feel
that
energy,
it
frees
me
up
and
I
can
just
go
haywire
and
say
any
old
thing
because
I
get
free
Mark
and
I
maybe
less
than
a
lot
of
people
that
you've
heard
that
go
around
or
that
Glenn
knows
or
that
Mike
knows
or
that
a
lot
of
you
know,
we
didn't
have
as
much
of
an
attachment
to
being
popular
because
we
kept
doing
the
work.
But
I
can
tell
you,
as
far
as
this
weekend
is
concerned,
with
Mark
and
I,
we
are
no
longer
interested
in
being
popular.
We're
interested
in
Alcoholics
living
or
dying,
whether
you
live
or
die,
because
Alcoholics
are
dying.
Mark
can
tell
you
about
the
number
of
people
he's
buried
in
the
last
several
years.
And
I
can
tell
you
the
number
of
people
that
are
dying
of
alcoholism
in
the
countries
that
I've
been
in
the
last
five
years.
So
if
you're
going
to
be
free
to
ask
if
we're
going
to.
And
he'll
talk
about
this,
too,
giving
someone
or
giving
a
group
or
giving
everyone
here
this
weekend
consent.
You
kind
of
got
to
ask
yourself,
you
kind
of
got
to
ask
yourself
how
many
people
in
your
life
in
the
program
have
you
given
spiritual
consent
to?
Have
you
given
permission
to,
to
ask
you
anything
at
any
time?
How
many
people
do
you
have
in
your
life
in
your
program
that
care
more
about
whether
you're
growing
or,
or
how
you
might
feel
about
what
they
might
have
to
say?
In
our
group
in
Southern
California,
we
don't
put
it
that
nicely.
We
talk
about
unsigned
death
packs
between
members
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
that
go
like
this.
You
don't
say
anything
to
make
me
uncomfortable,
and
I
won't
say
anything
to
make
you
uncomfortable.
And
we're
going
to
frolic
off
on
the
road
to
sobriety,
right?
Right.
So
you
got
to
examine
that.
And
if
we're
going
to
give
spiritual
consent
that
you
all
can
ask
us
anything.
I've
been
a
member
of
a
group
from
Santa
Monica
for
15
years.
There's
people
in
this
room
that
have
been
to
that
group.
Matthew
got
sober
in
that
group
and
other
people
have
been
there
and
Mark's
been
there.
Mark's
going
to
do
a
retreat
for
that
group
in
September.
We
ask
each
other
questions
before,
during
and
after
the
meeting.
And
our
format
is
an
hour
and
a
half
meeting
with
a
20
minute
speaker
who
picks
a
topic
from
the
1st
164
pages,
doesn't
stand
behind
anything,
sits
in
a
circle
with
us,
picks
a
line
or
a
word
or
a
phrase,
shares
for
25
minutes.
And
then
the
format
says
the
meetings
now
open
for
anybody
who
would
like
to
share
and
or
questions
to
anyone
from
anyone.
And
it's
a
powerful
format.
So
if
you're
all,
if
we're
going
to
give
you
permission
to
ask
us
anything
at
any
time,
I
have
a
few
questions.
I
think
questions
are
much
more
important
than
answers.
Even
when
you're
taking
somebody
through
this,
even
when
you're
going
through
this,
these
questions,
especially
in
the
first
three
steps,
these
questions
are
not
meant
to
be
answered.
A
lot
of
you
want
to
conclude
about
God.
You
don't
want
to
experience
God.
You
want
to
answer
the
question
right
away.
These
questions
are
meant
to
be
experienced.
And
I
would
like
to
talk
a
lot
this
weekend
about
the
difference
between
knowledge
and
experience.
So
I
got
a
couple
questions
just
to
get
a
feel
for
the
room
that'll
help
both
of
us.
How
many
in
the
room
are
in
their
first
year
of
sobriety
for
the
first
time?
First
year,
first
time.
OK,
there
you
go,
Chris.
How
many
people
raise
your
hands
again
in
your
first
year
for
your
first
time?
Five
or
six,
that's
a
reflection
of
what
new
people
in
the
program
are
being
told
to
do.
You
would
think
it
would
be
vice
versa
from
what
we
were
talking
about
last
night,
right
When
I
was
in
my
first
year
and
I'd
hit
bottom
with
that
second-half
of
step
one,
you
better
believe
I
would
have
been
here.
I
was
chasing
after
Joe
and
Charlie
and
Don
Pritz
and
Bob
Olsen
and
anybody
I
could
find.
How
many
are
how
many
in
this
room?
How
many
in
this
room
are
in
in
this
room
in
their
first
year
for
more
than
the
first
time?
Yeah,
that's
a
reflection
of
the
same
thing
we
were
talking
about
last
night.
There's
more
people
in
the
room
for
the
in
their
first
year.
How
many
how
many
people
in
the
room
in
their
first
year
for
more
than
the
fifth
time
in
their
first
year?
How
many
people
in
the
room
with
more
than
with
more
than
a
year?
More
than
five
years?
More
than
10
years
15?
More
than
20.
Two
more
than
25,
so
that
doesn't
make
any
sense
to
me.
The
people
that
really
need
to
be
here
aren't
here
and
the
people
that
don't
really
need
to
be
here
or
here,
which
is
why
they're
here
because
they're
still
sober.
I
got
a
couple
other
questions.
How
many
I
was
Mark
and
I
go
to
a
thing.
Actually,
it's
the
IT
was
the
first
Fellowship
of
the
Spirit.
It
was
where
And
they're
just
more
they
were
more
like
just
a
conference,
you
know,
Friday
night
speaker,
Saturday
night
speaker,
Sunday
morning.
Speaker
I
believe
there's
a
few
people
in
the
room
that
were
at
the
first
Fellowship
of
the
Spirit,
which
was
outside
of
Denver.
I
think
I'm
guessing,
correct
me
if
I'm
wrong,
10,
ten
years
ago,
they
just
had
their
10th
annual
Fellowship
of
the
Spirit
in
Denver,
where
most
of
our
lineage,
if
you're
connected
to
any
lineage
in
this
room,
most
of
our
lineage
come
from,
some
of
you
might
not
know
Mark
and
I
from,
from
a
hole
in
the
ground,
but
we're
not
in
a
hole
in
the
ground.
That's
why
we're
here.
So
I
should
tell
you
about
our
lineage.
Uh,
my
sponsor
is
Don
Pritz
from
Denver,
Co.
He's
35
years
sober.
I
met
him
when
he
was
15
and
now
I'm
20.
His
sponsor
is
Gary
Brown.
They
have
about
the
same
amount
of
time.
Gary
might
be
36
or
37.
They
both
got
sober
and
the
Denver
young
people's
group
in
Denver
and
Gary
Brown
sponsor
is
Paul
Martin.
That's
not
Father
Martin,
that's
Paul
Martin
in
from
Chicago,
who
is
57
years
sober
and
he
was
brought
in
by
Doctor
Bob
and
the
first
member
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
in
Chicago,
Paul
Stanley.
And
that's
a
good
lineage.
And
I
only
share
that
to
brag
and
to
tell
you
that
that's
the
lineage
I
needed
to
be
exposed
to
because
anymore
of
what
I
had
been
exposed
to
in
my
first
meeting
would
have
killed
me.
I'd
been
to
10
treatment
centers
and
I
hadn't
found
out
the
answer
to
that
very
important
question
that
some
of
you
are
there
are
still
grappling
with
in
your
mind
tonight.
Some
of
the
older
members,
some
of
the
newer
ones,
some
of
the
ones
that
are
in
their
first
year
for
more
than
the
first
time.
And
that
question
is
a
very
important
question
that
needs
to
be
answered
because
it
can
be
asked
at
any
point
in
your
sobriety.
And
that
question
is,
what's
wrong
with
me?
What's
wrong
with
me?
I'm
15
years
sober.
I've
done
everything
that
they've
told
me
to
do,
and
I'm
hitting
bottom
with
some
new
stuff.
Or
I'm
seven
years
sober.
And
I
tell
my
sponsees,
my
proteges,
whatever
you
call
em,
in
New
York,
in
Los
Angeles,
they
have
a
equally
degrading
name
for
them
babies,
my
babies.
I
tell
all
my
babies
that
I've
been
through
the
steps
six
times
and
we're
all
gonna
do
it
now
for
the
7th
time.
And
dear
God,
one
of
my
babies
should
ask
me
if
I
still
have
unfinished
amends
from
the
first
time
or
the
second
time.
See,
I
wouldn't
tell
him
I'd
been
through
the
steps
if
I'd
never
finished
four.
I
wouldn't
tell
him
I'd
been
through
the
steps
if
I'd
never
finished
my
fist
step.
But
I'm
running
around
the
country
telling
people
I've
been
through
the
steps
four
or
five
times
and
I've
never
finished
eight
and
I've
never
finished
nine
because
I
didn't
become
willing
to
make
amends
to
them
all.
And
you
know
how
I
know
I
didn't
become
willing
to
make
amends
to
them
all
because
I
haven't
made
amends
to
them
all.
That's
when
you
know
you're
willing
to
make
amends.
That's
when
our
friend
says
when
you
know
you're
willing
to
make
amends,
you
hear
some
really
strange
noises.
And
I
thought
the
boy
was
crazy
and
he
was
a
crip
and
he
was
30
years
in
a
10
mile
area
and
had
never
been
to
the
beach.
And
the
beach
is
20
minutes
away.
He'd
never
left
South
Central.
He
got,
he
made
350
amends,
100
to
family
and
so
and
250
breaking
and
entering
because
he
was
good
and
he
never
had
gotten
caught.
He
used
to
make
cold
calls
like
those
guys
that
come
to
your
door
from
the
Christian
Science
ministry.
He
used
to
make
cold
calls
on
neighborhoods
and
say,
dear
God,
please
show
me
any
homes
in
this
neighborhood
that
I
broke
into.
And
he
told
me
one
time
when
I
was
grappling,
when
I
was
telling
my
Home
group,
I
was
willing
to
make
a
certain
amends.
And
he
said,
no,
you're
not.
I
said,
how
do
you
know
that?
He
said,
because
if
you
were,
you'd
be
hearing
strange
noises.
And
I
had
no
idea
what
he
was
talking
about.
And
I
said,
what
kind
of
a
strange
noise?
And
he
said
like
this.
Ding
Dong,
right?
Hello.
Right.
Those
kind
of
noises.
Or
the
strangest
noise
to
come
out
of
an
alcoholic's
mouth.
I
was
wrong.
That's
number
two
to
the
three
hardest
words
for
an
alcoholic
to
say.
The
three
hardest
are
summit
it
in
the
rooms,
thinking
I
love
you
and
anybody
that
drank
knows
those
are
the
three
easiest
words
to
say
for
an
alcoholic.
No,
those
aren't
the
three
hardest
words.
The
three
hardest
words
are
I
don't
know,
right?
And
where
I
was
going
with
that,
I
have
absolutely
no
idea.
Let
me
give
you
a
basic
idea
for
the
members
of
Mike
Lawrence's
troop
that
need
to
know
the
exact
schedule,
moment,
time,
e-mail
sent
out
with
directions
from
Here's
one
with
directions
from
Baltimore,
MD
and
Philadelphia,
PA.
No,
I'm
just
teasing.
It's
good
to
know
we're
going
to
do
like
360
minute
sessions
tonight
with
a
15
minute
break
between
each
one.
We're
going
to
do
3
sessions
in
the
morning
starting
at
9:00.
We'll
go
for
60
minutes.
We'll
take
a
break.
We'll
go
for
60
minutes.
We'll
take
a
break.
We'll
go
for
60
minutes.
We'll
go
to
lunch.
We're
going
to
do
2
sessions
tomorrow
afternoon
starting
around
2,
so
you'll
have
a
nice
lunch
break
from
12:30
to
2:00.
Saturday
evening
you
got
a
wild
limey
lush
from
Manchester,
England
that's
going
to
entertain
you
with
an
acronyms
and
great
words
of
wisdom
and
a
panel
for
questions
and
answers.
Mark
and
I
are
going
to
allow
questions
at
most
of
the
end
of
each
session,
and
then
we'll
do
2
sessions
on
Sunday
morning
starting
at
9:00.
He's
got
to
get
a
plane
at
12:30,
so
we're
going
to
end
Sunday
around
11:30.
I'm
going
to
stay,
get
married
and
spend
the
rest
of
my
life
in
New
York.
God,
God
told
me.
God
told
me.
He
told
me
the
day
that
I'm
going
to
fall
in
love
that
I'm
going
to.
I
told
Mark
that
one
of
his
friends
in
Texas
will
have
to
drive
my
car
up
from
Dallas
because
I'm
never
leaving
New
York
again.
But,
and
I'm
just
kidding,
that's
the
basic
schedule,
but
I
have
a
couple
other
questions.
At
the
Fellowship
of
the
Spirit,
at
probably
their
7th
one,
I
think
Matthew
was
there.
I
was
asked
to
do
a
thing
and
there
was
about
350
people
in
the
room.
And
they
say
that
there,
it's
a
conference
for
people
that
do
what's
in
the
Big
book.
And
there
was
a
lot
of
our
friends
there
and
they
all
say
they
do
what's
in
the
big
book.
And
I
asked
him
this
question
and
I'll
tell
you
the
answer
they
gave
after
you
give
your
answer.
How
many
people
in
this
room
have
reached
have
reached
a
state
of
consciousness
in
their
sobriety
where
they
were
current
with
every
immense
they
were
consciously
aware
of
about
the
same
number
that
are
here
in
their
first
year
for
the
first
time.
Now,
there
must
be
some
statistical
ironical
correlation
between
that
and
you'll
have
to
think
about
it
because
it
was
5
or
6.
How
many
people
have
suffered
from
the
myth
and
Alcoholics
Anonymous
that
you
cannot
ever
get
current
with
amends?
I'm
not
saying
finish.
There's
always
going
to
be
new
ones.
I'll
probably
have
a
couple
to
make
after
this
weekend.
I'm
liable
to
do
anything
at
any
given
moment.
But
how
many
have
felon
fallen
victim
to
the
belief
that
it
would
be
impossible
for
you
to
ever
get
current
with
every
amend
you're
consciously
aware
of?
But
how
can
only
those
people
say
they
haven't
fought,
they've
fallen
victim
to
that
belief
when
only
five
or
six
raised
their
hand?
Everybody
who
didn't
raise
their
hand
should
say
they
have
fallen
victim
to
a
belief
that
it
would
be
impossible
to
finish.
Every
amender
consciously
aware
of
how
many
people
in
the
room
with
unfinished
immense
believe
those
unfinished
amends
have
anything
to
do
with
them
drinking
alcohol
again.
Let's
think
about
it.
How
many?
OK,
let
me
ask
it
this
way.
How
many
people
in
the
room
with
unfinished
amends
don't
think
it
has
anything
to
do
with
them
drinking
again?
They're
unfinished
amends
now
pay
when
you
answer
questions.
If
you
want
to
know
the
truth
versus
the
lie
you
may
be
telling
yourself,
look
at
your
actions.
In
other
words,
if
you're
sitting
in
the
room
and
you
have
a
bunch
of
amends
and
they've
been
in
your
consciousness
and
you're
doing
nothing
to
complete
those,
then
you
have
the
belief
system
that
making
those
amends
has
no
connection
between
drinking
whiskey
again.
So
when
you
answer
that
question,
do
it
predicated
on
your
actions.
Does
that
make
sense?
OK,
you'll
come
up
with
a
different
answer.
Stuck
on
the
dash.
I
do.
I
go
to
a
guy.
I'm
about
10
years
sober.
I've
been
through
the
work
several
times.
I
said,
Mike,
I'm
having
trouble
with
the
men's.
He
said,
how
many
you
got
left?
I
said
four.
He
said,
do
you
know
how
to
make
amends?
I
said
yes.
He
said,
do
you
know
who
they're
to?
I
said
yes,
do
you
know
where
they
are?
I
said
yes.
He
said,
you're
not
having
trouble
with
the
men's
because
these
guys
that
I
got
sober
with
can
take
you
forward
through
the
steps
and
they
can
take
your
ass
backwards
through
the
steps.
And
he
says,
you
know
what,
you're
probably
not
done
with
eight.
You
probably
haven't
really
become
willing
to
make
amends
to
the
mall.
Last
word
of
the
8th
step,
most
overlooked
word
in
the
12
steps
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
all.
And
I
think
when
they
mean
all
this
might
be
confusing
for
some
of
you
brainiacs,
but
I
think
when
they
say
all
they
might
actually
mean,
or
when
they
say
the
chapter
called
how
it
works,
it
could
actually
mean.
Now
let
me
think
about
this,
how
it
works
and
there
is
a
solution
for
someone
that's
been
to
seven
colleges
and
a
couple
degrees
and
a
psychologist
and
has
worked
as
a
therapist.
There
is
a
solution
could
actually
mean
now
let
me
get
this
right
that
there
is
a
solution
and
where
I
was
going
with
that
I
have
absolutely
no
idea.
So
I
have
a
couple
other
questions.
Here's
a
prayer.
We
might
as
well
start
the
weekend
with
it.
Everybody
that's
in
amends,
I
don't
care
if
it's
the
first
time,
fifth
time.
I
don't
care
if
it's
the
fifth
time
telling
people
you've
been
through
the
steps
four
times,
that
you're
doing
it
for
the
fifth
time,
but
you're
not.
You're
still
in
it
for
the
first
time.
See,
it
took
me
two.
It
took
me
two
times
through
the
work
to
finish
the
work,
once
to
get
current.
I've
been
asking
Mark
for
years.
Can
we
come
up
with
a
better
word
than
current?
Because
it's
a
day
that
in
your
heart,
I
would
like
everyone
in
this
room
to
one
day
experience.
But
I
think
the
book
does
give
us
a
a
good
description
of
it.
We've
entered
the
world
of
the
spirit
and
we're
given
a
new
sixth
sense
because
I
don't
know
about
you,
but
I've
only
had
five
senses
to
depend
on
my
whole
life.
We
all
know
what
the
five
senses
are.
How
many
in
this
room
have
ever
been
to
a
meeting
on
the
topic
that
the
Big
Book
promises
you
a
sixth
sense
beyond
sight,
touch,
smell,
hearing,
and
taste?
Anyone
ever
been
to
a
meeting
on
the
promise
in
the
Big
Book
that
there's
a
you
will
be
given
a
sixth
sense?
Why
haven't
more
of
us
been
to
meetings
where
the
they
talk
about
the
promises
in
the
11th
step
that
sanity
will
return?
How
dare
you
say
sanity
will
return?
What
do
you
mean
you
can
drink
again?
Are
you
crazy?
The
big
book
doesn't
say
sanity
will
return.
Yes,
it
does.
Why
do
we
never
hear
the
11
step
promises
at
a
meeting?
How
come
some
groups
only
say
there's
12
promises
in
the
whole
program
and
it's
halfway
through
nine,
which
leaves
a
lot
of
you,
a
lot
of
you
in
a
lot
of
big
trouble.
Cause
a
lot
of
you
know
in
your
heart
you're
never
going
to
make
it
halfway
through
nine
unless
some
major
power
comes
into
your
life
from
where
you
are
tonight
to
where
you
are
to
get
halfway
through
nine.
That's
how
I
felt.
There's
promises
at
Step
2
before
the
third
step,
prayer
after
5.
I
asked
a
guy
once,
how
do
you
get
the
promises
on
83?
The
guy
really
pissed
me
off.
You
know
what
he
said?
Do
everything
from
1
to
82.
That's
too
simple
for
a
guy
like
with
a
mind
like
mine.
You
mean
to
get
what's
on
page
83
in
the
big
book,
all
I
have
to
do
is
what's
on
Page
1
to
82?
He
said,
yeah,
it's
laid
out
in
a,
in
a
for
a
reason.
And
I
said,
you
mean
the
4th
step
actually
counting
on.
Let
me
get
this
right.
Step
4
actually
comes
after
three.
Oh,
that's
hard,
right?
I
got
another
question
here.
Well,
we
might
as
well
go
right
to
the
aren't
you
glad
you
gave
him
spiritual
consent?
Well,
we
might
as
well
go
right
to
it.
I
mean,
we've
got
to
get
to
it.
How
many
people
in
the
room
believe
alcoholism
and
drug
addiction
are
the
same?
Oh,
good.
There's
been
some
work
done
in
this
room
about
as
many
people
that
are
in
their
second,
first
year
for
the
second
time.
That's
an
interesting
number.
Yeah.
Well
then,
how
many
people
believe
that
today
they
have
a
choice
whether
they
drink
again
or
not?
Come
on
now.
Get
honest.
You're
sharing
it.
You
share
it.
Today
I
have
a
choice.
Today
I
have
a
choice.
How
many
of
you
have
a
choice?
OK,
keep
your
hands
up,
just
for
a
second.
That's
about
as
many,
that's
about
as
many
that
are
in
the
room
for
the
if
in
their
first
year
for
more
than
the
5th
time.
Those
that
believe
they
have
a
choice
today.
Well,
for
those
that
raise
their
hands
that
think
they
have
a
choice
today
whether
they
drink
or
not,
let
me
ask
you
this.
Doesn't
every
description
of
the
insanity
of
alcoholism
in
the
1st
53
or
so
pages
in
this
book
describe
people
who
think
they
somehow
have
a
choice
whether
they
drink
again
or
not?
Isn't
the
idea
that
you
have
a
choice
today
the
insanity
of
alcoholism?
Think
about
it
Now
some
of
you
have
found
God
and
you
say
God
has
given
me
the
power
of
choice
to
drink.
What
kind
of
God
did
you
choose
that
would
give
you
a
choice
over
something
you
know
is
going
to
kill
you?
And
if
you
have
a
choice
today
and
you've
done
some
work,
what
happened
to
the
promise
that
you'd
be
placed
in
a
position
of
neutrality?
And
the
people
that
said
statements
like
he
couldn't
drink
even
if
he
would,
the
problem
has
been
removed.
If
the
problem
has
been
removed,
there
is
no
choice.
The
only
time
there's
a
choice
is
when
there's
a
problem.
And
to
those
of
you
that
think
you
have
a
choice,
how
can
you
say
you're
powerless
and
that
you've
lost
control
and
have
a
choice?
Because
you
can't
be
powerless
over
alcohol
and
have
a
choice.
Think
about
it,
I
could
be
wrong.
Don't
get
mad
at
me,
let's
look
at
the
facts.
How
many
in
this
room
believe
you'll
always
be
recovering?
Same
people
who
think
they
have
a
choice
today.
Because
if
you
have
a
choice,
you
will
always
be
recovering
over
and
over
and
over
and
over
until
you
realize
or
drink
enough
to
get
to
a
place
where
you
don't
have
a
choice.
First
promise,
first
book,
first
printing.
1st
edition,
first
one
ever
printed.
First
page
says
this
is
a
story
of
people
who
have
recovered
from
alcoholism.
The
first
thing
I
always
said
is
Joe
Hawk
thinks
he's
cured.
I
don't
think
I'm
cured.
Anyone
in
the
room
that
knows
me
knows
that
I'm
not
cured
of
alcoholism.
I
have
a
daily
reprieve.
But
here's
another
way.
Some
of
you
will
always
say
that
a
daily
reprieve
contingent
on
the
my
maintenance
of
my
spiritual
condition.
Boy,
there
must
be
a
big
delusion
in
that
somewhere
about
the
first
step
in
a
fit
spiritual
condition
by
the
grace
of
God,
because
I'm
telling
you
can't
even
do
the
work
in
this
book
without
the
grace
of
God.
How
about
this
one?
I'm
working
the
steps
to
the
best
of
my
ability.
And
a
friend
of
yours
from
your
Home
group
says,
I
thought
you
said
last
week
the
very
best
you
could
ever
do
was
to
be
glued
to
a
bar
stool
screwing
everybody
in
your
life
over.
And
now
you're
working
the
steps
to
the
best
of
your
ability.
That's
like
the
people
that
will
always
go
It
says
it's
not
about
perfection,
it's
about
progress.
But
they
describe
a
guy
in
there
who
drank
because
he
failed
to
perfect
and
enlarge
his
spiritual
life.
I
just
beat
the
wife
today,
just
lost
my
job,
yelled
at
three
people
on
the
way
to
the
meeting.
And
they'll
always
go
to
the
one
line
that
shows
the
sickest
people
in
the
room.
And
I
know
a
man,
Oscar
Weiss.
He's
dead.
He
lived
in
Denver
where
we
got
sober.
And
he
said
this
book
was
written.
He
was
one
of
the
first
hundred
you
can
look
at
in
a
lot
of
our
history
books.
Oscar
W.
He
said
this
book
was
written
by
drunks
for
drunks.
And
they
specifically
put
places
in
this
book
where
for
somebody's
looking
for
a
way
out,
they'll
always
go
to
that
word.
And
you
know
what
they
called
him
in
Denver?
Drunk
traps.
And
you
know
what?
Some
of
those
words
are
probably,
or
maybe
rarely
got
to
be
careful.
Life
and
death,
you're
not
in
this
room
because
you
might
have
a
bad
day.
If
you
go
out
again,
you
wouldn't
be
here.
Those
people
are
over
somewhere
else
in
Queens
complaining
about
having
a
bad
day
and
how
they're
going
to
make
the
next
day
really
good
and
comfortable
with
gratitude,
love
and
happiness,
life
and
death.
If
we
were
all
in
a
cancer
ward,
there's
a
hospital
upstairs.
This
happens
to
be
everybody
in
this
New
York
area
that
has
a
specific
type
of
cancer.
We've
all
been
given
from
a
test.
No
doubt
we
all
got
six
months
to
live.
We've
all
been
told
we
meet
here
as
a
happy
fellowship
on
Friday
nights
to
talk
about
the
terminal
cancer
that
we're
all
dying
from.
And
somebody
walks
in
the
room
and
he
says
good
news.
Just
came
in,
just
came
into
the
area,
just
came
from
Switzerland,
a
12
part
treatment
and
none
of
you
will
have
to
die.
Now
would
we
be
sitting
around
in
this
room
debating
whether
to
take
that
treatment
or
not?
Would
we
want
to
get
the
book
from
the
guy
that
brought
the
treatment
and
study
the
book
on
how
to
take
the
treatment?
And
if
there
were
200
people
in
the
room
and
there
was
only
150
treatments,
what
would
happen
to
you
guys
in
the
back
that
think
you
have
a
choice
whether
to
take
that
treatment
or
not?
They'd
be
sitting
in
the
back
wondering
Chris
Raymer
would
be
knocking
anybody
out
of
the
way
between
him
and
that
treatment.
My
buddy
over
here
would
probably
have
to
kill
a
couple
people
to
get
to
that
treatment
because
he
probably
did
when
he
didn't
take
the
treatment
anyway
because
he
knows
he
doesn't
have
a
choice
and
it's
a
terminal
disease.
But
yet
we
sit
around
debating
whether
we
should
take
the
treatment
or
not.
Oh,
yeah,
OK.
I
met
with
God
the
other
day.
I
had
a
meeting
with
God
the
other
day.
He
came
into
my
living
room.
She
was
about
45,
black,
right,
beautiful.
And
she
said
to
me,
do
you
have
any
questions?
And
I
said,
yeah,
yeah,
God,
I
got
a
question.
I
said,
what
kind
of
problems
do
you
have?
She
said.
You
know,
nobody
ever
asked
me
what
kind
of
problems
I
have,
God
said.
Nobody
ever
asked
me
what
kind
of
problems
I
had.
Thank
you.
Thank
you
for
thinking
about
me.
And
I
said,
well,
what
kind
of
problems
do
you
have?
And
she
says
I
have
a
problem
believing
in
humans
when
they
say
they
love
me
because
they
only
ask
for
money.
And
the
only
people
that
believe
in
me
anymore
are
a
A
members,
rappers
and
sports
figures.
They're
the
only
ones
that
thank
me
anymore,
but
I
have
trouble
believing
in
whether
people
really
like
me.
OK,
so
I
want
to
talk
this
weekend.
I
I
think
some
of
our
intent
is
to
disturb
some
of
you
about
the
question
of
alcoholism.
I,
I
like
to
be
clear
with
people
where
I
come
from.
About
six
weeks
ago,
I'm
at
work
and
I
get
a
call
from
Palomine,
the
program,
and
he
said,
I
want
to
let
you
know
that
that
our
friend
Owen
took
a
gun
last
night.
In
about
9
1/2
years
sobriety,
he
blew
his
brains
out
and
the
family
would
like
you
to
do
the
eulogy
on
Friday
night.
That
was
on
a
Tuesday.
This
was
a
guy
took
through
the
work
when
he
was
about
probably
about
four
years
sober,
dying
of
untreated
alcoholism,
and
he
had
a
revolutionary
spiritual
experience.
He
got
free
of
a
lot
of
bondage
that
he
was
in
sober
with
old
belief
systems,
like
thinking
he
had
a
choice
in
whether
he
drank
or
not
sober
and
many
other
things.
And
then
somewhere
along
the
line,
he
must
have
forgotten
what
we
talked
about
a
lot,
which
is
stay
in
action,
work
and
rework
because
of
a
phenomenon
called
reconstruction
of
the
ego.
You
cannot,
you
cannot
beat
your
ego.
Your
ego
is
mysterious
and
powerful
as
God
himself
as
far
as
you're
concerned,
and
you
cannot
defeat
your
ego.
It'll
take
the
best
you.
I
don't
care
how
long
you're
sober.
I
don't
care
how
much
you
love
God.
I
don't
care
how
spiritual
you
are.
I
don't
care
what
your
beliefs
are.
It'll
take
the
best
of
you.
And
so
I
said
I
would
deliver
that
eulogy
and
I
went
to
that
church
and
God,
you
know,
there
were
a
lot
of
Alcoholics
there.
And
we
talk
about
spiritual
consent.
There
were
three,
three
men
he
sponsored.
There
were
just
basket
cases
because
they
didn't
have
a
clue
what
was
going
on
with
this
man
because
he
didn't
give
him
spiritual
consent.
You
know,
they
were
devastated
beyond
belief.
It
was
a
it
was
a
surprise.
And
his,
his
brother
got
up
there
and
he
collapsed
when
he
was
up
there,
you
know,
you
know,
that's
alcoholism.
So
you
don't
have
to
drink.
You
don't
have
to
drink
to
die.
And
that
was
on.
So
I
did
that
on
Friday
and
then
on.
Let's
see,
on
Sunday
I
get
another
call
and
A
and
a
man
unknown.
He,
he
had
just
celebrated
a
year,
but
he
had
drank.
He
came
to
a
almost
20
years
ago
until
he
got
exposed
to
the
steps
out
of
the
big
book
with
someone
who
had
experience.
He
never
had
a
chance
and
in
and
out
of
treatment
in
in
all
the
things
that
we
do.
And
he,
he
had
done
a
lot
of
damage
to
his
liver
and
his
kidneys
and,
but
he,
he
came
in
for
a
routine
check
up.
He's
waiting
for
a
liver
transplant.
And
and
he
died
and
he
died
sober,
but
a
year
sober,
42
years
old,
multi
millionaire,
wonderful
man,
diet
alcoholism,
two
of
them
sober.
See,
if
you
think
that
I
care
about
how
you
feel
about
anything
I
have
to
say
to
you
about
the
subject
of
alcoholism,
you
are
sadly
mistaken.
I
love
you
far
too
much
to
care
about
how
you
feel
about
what
I
say.
If
something
comes
to
me
on
an
intuitive
level
that
I
think
may
prevent
you
from
dying
on
alcoholic
death.
And
that's
whether
you're
brand
new
or
that's
whether
you're
around
five
years
or
10
or
15
or
20
or
30.
I
love
Alcoholics
and
drug
addicts
and
I'm
tired
of
burying
them
and
I'm
tired
of
all
that.
You
know,
those
of
you
don't
know
Chris,
Chris
Harr
very
well.
You
know,
he
and
I
have
worked
in
the
field
of
alcoholism
for
quite
some
time.
And
and
so
we
get
to
experience
some
things
that
a
lot
of
you
don't.
They
used
to
die
in
our
rooms.
They
don't
now
because
you
got
the
screen
of
treatment
centers
and
hospitals.
But
they're
still
dying,
dying
in
droves.
And
we
see
that
all
the
time.
And
then
people
wonder
sometime
why
we're
so
passionate.
You
know,
why,
why
are
these
guys
why?
Why
do
they
seem
so
rigid,
you
know,
I
mean,
why
do
they
seem
so
serious,
you
know,
what
is
this
about,
you
know?
Well,
well,
let
me
ask
you
this
question.
How
how
many
of
you
have
been
to
a
funeral
in
the
last
year
of
someone
who
died
from
alcoholism
or
drug
addiction?
Raise
your
hands.
OK?
Probably
a
fourth
of
the
room
more
than
those
in
the
room
that
have
finished
every
amends
they're
consciously
aware
of.
Yeah.
Now,
on
that
note,
you
know
a
few
things.
Joe
and
I
are
not
attached
to
methodology
anymore.
We
just
we
just
damn
near
anal
ourselves
out
of
here
with
our
methodology.
We
got
great
on,
on
technique
and
method.
We
just
didn't
grow
very
much.
But
if
you
want
to
hear
the
mechanics,
there's
plenty
of
people
in
the
room
that
know
how
to
start
on
the
title
page.
If
you
got
to
go
back
somewhere
by
yourself,
you
just
ask
Glenn
Kay,
which
set
were
they
still
sane
and
did
they
start
on
the
title
page
and
just
go
through
the
mechanics
of
how
to
do
the
work?
Get
one
of
those
because
that's
not
the
attitude
this
weekend.
Yeah,
we've
got
a
different
1:00.
We,
we
will
certainly
talk
about
the
steps,
but
I
believe
you're
going
to
hear
a
lot
more
of
our
experience
with
the
steps.
Some
of
what
I
want
to
talk
with
you
about
this
week.
I
I
I
told
you
I
had
an
intent
and
I
want
to
share
with
you
briefly
my
experience
with
three
states
of
consciousness
in
which
I
have
embraced
and
experienced
life.
The
first
state
of
consciousness
is
the
one
I
was
in
when
I
was
brought
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
I've
heard
a
lot
of
different
people's
stories,
but
bottom
line
was
I
just
have
to
assume
on
October
19th
to
1982,
this
power,
which
I
shall
call
God
the
rest
of
the
weekend
must
have
just
said,
you
know,
I,
I
don't
know,
I
got
work
for
this
guy
to
do
and
he
just
ain't
getting
his
ZAP.
And
that's
really
what
happened
for
me.
And
I've
remained
zapped
since
then.
And
boy,
there's
times
I
really
needed
a
drink.
If
the
power
don't
want
you
drinking,
you're
not
drinking
and
choice
don't
have
anything
to
do
with
it.
And
so
that
man
who
came
into
AA,
the
consciousness
and
the
way
in
which
he
experienced
life
once
you
separated
him
from
alcohol
for
a
little
while
was,
was
he
was
in
terror
all
the
time.
From
the
time
he
got
up
till
the
time
he
he
went
to
bed,
he
had
minimal
life
skills,
just
couldn't
hit
his
ass
with
both
hands
to
to
to
to
put
it
quite
frankly.
And
and
then
then,
you
know,
fairly
quickly
though,
yeah,
you
know,
you
get
a
little
sober
and
you
feel
a
little
better
and,
you
know,
it's
a
big
book
says
the
main
problem
centers
in
mind
that
mine
starts
talking.
And
now
you're
adding
new
information.
You're
picking
up
an,
A,
a
on
top
of
old
information
that,
and
you,
you
somehow
start
to
think
you
have
some
ideas
and
some
thoughts
about
things
and,
and
you
know,
life
begins
to
get
better.
And
normally,
you
know,
you
can
get
a
job
and
get
a
house
and
car
and
those
kinds
of
things.
And
somewhere
in
there
you'll,
you'll
do
some,
I
think
what
Joe
talked
about
is
you'll
get
going
along
and
you'll
be
doing
some
step
work.
And
particularly
you,
you'll
get
up
around
that,
that
9th
step
and
you'll
have
a
list
and
it
may
or
may
not
be
thorough
and
you'll
make
some
of
those
amends
and,
and
then
you'll
go
back
and
rest
on
the
dash
again
because
of
a
belief
system
that
making
all
your
men's
has
no
connection
between
drinking
because
you've
lost
your
first
step
connection.
And
you
may
or
may
not
dabble
with
the
10th
11
step.
And
what
really
starts
to
happen,
based
on
my
experience,
is
your
life
starts
to
go
real
flat.
And
page
52
starts
to
show
up
in
your
book
in
a
fairly
consistent
basis.
And
dishonesty
begins
to
creep
into
your
life.
And
when
all
that
starts
happening,
since
everything
is
connected,
you
begin
to
experience
things
like
depression
and
some
other
neat
stuff.
And
you
get
to
bring
that
into,
into
all
the
meetings
and
share
that
neat
stuff
because
by
then
you,
you,
you've
forgotten
what
it
was
that
got
you
there.
And
so
you
know
that
that
becomes,
that
becomes
a
state
of
consciousness
that,
that
you
in
which
you
get
to
experience,
experience
your
life.
And
somewhere
in
there,
I
think
for
some
of
us
has
certainly
happened
to
me
as
I
hit
a
wall
with
that
a
big
time
wall
and
something
had
to
happen.
And,
and
it
did
happen
for
me
right
around
1010
years.
I,
I
hit
another
bottom,
just
almost
pulled
my
butt
right
out
of
here
and
I
recommitted
and
did
a
lot
of
work.
I
had,
I
had
a
lot
of
unwritten
inventory
and
then
in
hindsight
there
was
unfinished
amends.
Some
I
had
awareness,
some
some
I
did
not
have
an
awareness
of.
And
I
begin
to
approach
inventories
in
fifth
steps,
multiple
fifth
steps,
making
all
of
the
immense
paying
all
the
money
back
with
the
desperation
of
a
drowning
man.
And
my
life
actually
in
in
many
respects
in
1991
in
a
psychiatric
hospital
in
Houston,
TX
is
at
at
almost
10
years
sober
is
quite
frankly,
when
I
said
the
words
of
the
third
step
and
men
and
with
every
fiber
of
my
being
and
said
from
this
day
on,
my
life
is
not
my
business.
I
don't
care
anymore
where
I
live
who's
in
my
life.
The
I
I'm
done.
Thank
you
very
much
for
letting
me
believe
I
had
something
to
do
with
all
this
for
all
this
time.
It
just,
you
know,
it's
just
hasn't
really
worked
too
well.
So
just,
you
know,
take
take
it
away
and
thank
you.
Thank
you.
I'll
just,
I
don't
care
where
I
live
anymore
and
all
that
stuff.
And
and
then
Joe
talked
about
something,
the
last
two
amends
that
were
in
my
consciousness
that
I
needed
to
find.
And
for
me,
there's
not
such
a
thing
as
a
big
amend
or
little
amend
or
amend
as
an
amend,
whether
it's
$5
or
50,000.
And
I
don't
know
if
you
all
aware
of
this,
but
in
the
spiritual
world
they
don't
have
too
many
zeros.
There's
just,
you
know,
but
through
a
series
of
events
at
17
years
sobriety,
I
found
those
last
two
people
and
made
those
amends.
And
now
you
get
another
level
of
consciousness
that
you
get
to
experience
that
is
beyond
anything
that
you
can
imagine,
is
beyond
anything
that
your
mind
can
wrap
around.
Position
of
neutrality,
position
of
love,
a
position
of
service,
a
position
of
unification,
Anything
that
speaks
of
separation,
you
have
nothing
to
do
with.
You
don't
see
gender
and
you
don't
see
race
and
you
don't
care
about
yourself
anymore.
And
you
weep
a
lot
and
you
know
God,
see,
you
know
the
power
behind
the
name,
you
know,
and
I,
you
get
to
go
places
and
you
get
to
talk
about
that
thing.
And
you
get
to
be
a
service
at
a
level
you
just
never
even
knew
existed.
And
you're
at
peace
within
yourself.
You
see
humility,
humus
grounded.
You're
grounded
in
who
and
what
you
truly
are.
See,
attached
to
the
power
and
the
power
only
you
get
to
walk
through.
You
get
to
walk.
Being
a
freeman.
That's
a
third
state
of
consciousness.
And
based
on
my
experience,
that
third
state
of
consciousness
I
did
not
get
to
experience
until
I'd
made
all
my
amends
and
it
took
17
years,
takes
what
it
takes.
So
as
we
talk
about
the
steps,
maybe
if
you'd
keep
those
three
states
of
consciousness
and
mind
and
maybe
kind
of
ask
yourself,
which
one
am
I
at?
If
you're
new,
you're
sound
asleep,
dreaming,
you're
awake.
You
don't
have
to
worry
about
it.
You
got
a
lot
of
grace
just
floating
around,
man.
Just
enjoy
your
ignorance
while
you
can.
Although
this
weekend's
not,
we're
going
to
mess
some
of
you
up
because
you're
going
to,
you're,
you're
going
to
get
awakened
to
some
things
and
that
means
you're
going
to
have
to
leave.
And
see,
ignorance
is
bliss
when
you
wake
me
up
to
the
fact
that
there
might
be
a
connection
between
unfinished
amends
and
drinking
either.
You
know,
that's
that's
not
a
happy
deal.
You
know,
particularly
if
you
have
a
lot
of
unfinished
amends,
this
means
you
got
some
things
to
do.
So
I
would
ask
you
to
consider
doing
that
this
weekend.
Where
am
I
in
this
process?
You
are
responsible
for
how
you
experience
life.
No
one's
doing
anything
to
you.
How
much
of
that
power
do
you
want
to
know?
Do
you
want
to
experience?
You
get
to
decide
that,
See?
Spiritual
consent.
You
know,
I
only
work
with
people
who
ask
me
to
work
with
them.
Umm,
why?
Because
I,
if
you
don't,
it's
simple.
If,
if
you're
content
with,
with
where
you're
at
and
what
you've
been
doing
and
how
it
looks
and
how
you're
living
your
life,
then
so
be
it.
But
if
you
have
a
restlessness
within
you
and
there's
a
part
of
you
that
said
there
is
so
much
more
than
we
might
be
able
to
provide
you
with
a
set
of
spiritual
exercises
to
bring
that
about,
to
have
a
revolutionary
spiritual
experience.
I
don't
care
how
long
you're
sober,
see
if
you
want
to
lay
aside
some
beliefs.
Open
mind,
open
heart.
You
heard
that
prayer
that
I
opened
with
and
it
truly
is
a
practice
is
we
breathe
this
breath
right
now.
None
of
us
have
ever
breathed
this
breath
before.
And
what's
going
to
happen
the
next
minute,
None
of
you've
ever
experienced
before.
And
even
people
that
you
on
the
break
that
you
talked
to,
you
have
never
experienced
that
moment
in
time
with
him.
And
you
are
asleep
to
that.
You
are
asleep
to
the
sacredness
and
the
wonder
and
the
holiness
of
that
and
the
consciousness
that
can
come
with
that.
You're
saying
what
the
hell
is
the
connection
between
that
and
whiskey,
right?
See,
everything
is
connected.
You
hear
this
thing
all
the
time
about,
you
know,
I
don't
have
a
drinking
problem,
right?
I
have
a
living
problem.
Let
me
think,
what
do
we
used
to
do
to
treat
living
problems?
We
drank.
See,
I
tell
people
that,
you
know,
these
guys
will
call
me
up,
you
know,
well,
I
got
a
problem
with
her.
I
say,
oh,
you're
getting
thirsty.
No,
no,
no,
no.
I'm
having
a
fight
with
it.
Yeah,
you're
getting
thirsty,
you
know,
and
they
get
the
point.
Somewhere
in
there,
if
you're
a
real
alcoholic,
ultimately
at
the
bottom
of
the
funnel
is
a
glass
of
whiskey.
See
it
all
the
time.
I
think
we
had
one
person
this
room
with
more
than
25
years
sobriety.
I
go
to
meetings
sometimes.
I
have
the
most
sobriety
in
the
room.
It's
like,
what?
What
is
that
about?
We
have
a
chronic
fatal
progressive
illness
called
alcoholism
and
it
kills
and
kills
every
time.
In
my
experience
is
if
I
do
not
have
a
revolutionary
spiritual
experience,
it
continue
to
grow
within
the
framework
of
that
experience.
I
am
probably
going
to
die
of
alcoholism.
And
it
can
happen
like
my
friend
Owen.
And
that
almost
happened
to
me.
Or
I
could
drink
myself
to
death.
You
know,
if
spiritual
living
was
easy,
ladies
and
gentlemen,
there'd
be
50,000
people.
We'd
be
doing
this
in
Shea
Stadium.
This
is
not
for
everybody.
You
have
to
decide.
Working
with
the
disciplines
of
10
and
11
and
a
commitment
to
finish
amends
is
not
easy.
But
you
got
to
remember,
you
don't
do
it
on
your
power.
I
tell
people
this
all
the
time.
You
know,
I
didn't
wake
up
one
day
and
say,
you
know,
I
think
I'll
become
a
little
sunbeam
for
God.
You
know,
I
all
I
can
tell
you
is
what
happened
to
me
is,
is
the
material
world.
As
I
begin
to
know
an
experience
left
me
empty
and
bereft.
The
only
thing
left
was
God
see,
and
and
most
you
were
just
like
me.
If
it's
of
the
flesh,
you've
been
there
and
done
that
right
and
it
leaves
you
empty.
So
I
guess
it's
it's
like
a
man
named
Osho.
He's
got
a
great
tape.
I
love
it.
It's
called
Zorba
the
Buddha.
And
what
he
says
is,
is
his
experience
was
that
the
people
that
he
found
who
ultimately
wound
up
doing
spiritual
living
were
the
ones
who
exhausted
everything.
Like
Zorba
drank
all
the
drinks
they
could
drink,
had
all
the
sex
they
could,
ate
all
of
food
they
could
just
took.
The
seven
deadly
sins
ran
them
rampant
as
long
as
they
could
until
it
no
longer
worked.
I
thought,
well,
he's
talking
about
me
and
every
alcoholic
I've
ever
met,
right?
So,
you
know,
this
is
a
room
full
of
Zorba,
the
Buddhas,
you
know.
So
we,
we've
ran
that
course.
So
this
weekend's
about
something
else.
This
weekend
is
about
a
set
of
spiritual
exercises
designed
to
bring
about
a
revolutionary
spiritual
experience.
One
last
comment.
To
know
God,
you
must
be
out
of
your
mind
as
God
is
beyond
your
mind.
If
you
another
deadly,
deadly
trap
with
the
second
and
third
step
in
the
11th
step
is
the
worship
of
your
own
mind.
If
you're
sitting
in
this
room
and
you're
having
an
experience
beyond
your
understanding,
it
is
probably
of
God.
And
if
you're
having
an
experience
that
you're
understanding,
it
is
of
your
mind
and
your
main
problem
centers
in
your
mind.
My
standard
response
since
1991
is
I
don't
know
because
my
experiences
saw
always
consistently
as
I
sit
here
right
now
far
exceeds
my
understanding.
And
if
your
experience
equals
your
understanding,
it
is
of
your
mind.
Unbeknownst
to
me,
when
I
look
at
my
first
ten
years,
it
feels
to
me
when
I
look
back
in
hindsight
that
I
did
not
know
God,
but
that
I
was
worshipping
my
mind
because
I
thought
that
because
my
mind
told
me
that
I
believed
in
God,
that
I
knew
God.
Wow,
isn't
that
interesting?
So
there's
some
of
the
things
that
we're
going
to,
we're
going
to
talk
about
this
weekend.
We're
going
to
do
that
by
talking
about
our
experiences
through
the
steps.
And
that
timer
just
went
off.
I
think
we're
ready
for
our
first
break,
aren't
we?
All
right,
see
you
in
15
minutes.
15
minutes.
Can
we
have
a
moment
of
silence?
OK,
do
you
know
why
some
people
are
afraid
of
meditation?
Because
that
because
every
time
they
heard
you
have
the
right
to
remain
silent.
It
scared
the
hell
out
of
me,
but
you
do
you.
Do
you
have
the
right
to
remain
silent?
What's
that
old
saying?
Don't
just
sit
there,
do
something.
What
about
this
one?
Don't
just
do
something,
sit
there.
It's
a
great
book,
right?
If
your
mind
is
open
and
you've
said
some
sort
of
prayer,
dear
God,
let
me
have
an
open
mind
and
a
new
experience
with
these
two
idiots.
Whatever
they
say,
this
book,
these
steps,
whatever
might
be
asked
for
an
open
mind
and
it
please
set
aside
what
I
think
I
know
about
those
things
for
an
open
mind
and
a
new
experience.
You
might
have
an
experience
this
weekend.
Does
experience
having
an
open
mind
and
beliefs
being
challenged
always
feel
good?
No.
Do
Are
we
the
kind
of
people
that
worship
the
idea?
If
it
feels
good,
it's
good,
and
if
it
feels
bad,
it's
bad.
So
only
do
the
things
that
feel
good.
Take
care
of
yourself,
nurture
yourself.
Imagine
nurturing
the
thing
that
you're
supposed
to
get
rid
of.
Be
good
to
yourself,
nurture
yourself,
work
on
yourself.
My
God,
there
has
to
come
a
time
on
the
spiritual
path
where
you
just
got
to
quit
perpetuating
violence
on
yourself
by
trying
to
change
that
part
of
your
being.
That's
always
going
to
be
a
little
bit
fucked
up.
That's
always
going
to
be
human.
When
one
of
my
spiritual
teachers
said
that
to
me,
my
God,
I
began
to
have
compassion
for
myself,
to
love
that
part
of
your
being
that
will
always
be
broken.
Couple
more
questions.
How
many
have
suffered
from
the
belief
that
one
through
9
are
meant
to
be
done
once
and
you
live
your
life
in
1011
and
12?
The
same
number
of
people
that
are
in
the
room
for
more
than
the
first
time
in
their
first
year.
How
many
believe
that
a
big
book
study
is
a
is
a
waste
of
time?
The
same
number
that
think
they
have
a
choice.
Today
I'm
going
to
tell
you,
studying
the
Big
Book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
a
waste
of
time
unless
it
gets
you
excited
about
doing
what's
in
the
Big
Book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Look
at
the
Big
Book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
like
this.
It's
a
set
of
swing
set
instructions.
Put
part
A
to
Part
B
to
part
C
to
Part
D
to
part
E.
What
do
you
got?
A
swing
set?
We
put
part
A
to
Part
B
to
part
P
to
part
C
to
Part
D.
You
got
a
spiritual
awakening.
Studying
it
is
not
going
to
make
it
happen.
Learning
it
is
not
going
to
make
it
happen.
Doing
it
is
going
to
make
it
happen.
My
favorite
analogy.
It's
still
my
favorite
analogy,
and
I
think
they're
very
much
related.
And
that
is
the
the
similarities
between
a
spiritual
awakening
and
an
orgasm.
Now
go
back
to
the
day
before
your
first
orgasm
and
think
of
everything
you
thought
you
knew
about
what
it
would
be
like
to
have
one.
Then
go
to
the
day
after
you'd
had
one.
That's
the
difference
between
knowledge
and
experience.
It's
very
simple.
2
twin
brothers,
identical
in
every
way.
They
make
a
bet.
We're
going
to
go
find
out
what
it
would
be
like
to
have
an
orgasm.
One
goes
to
the
library,
one
goes
to
the
whorehouse.
The
one
that
goes
to
the
library
studies
it,
studies
it,
studies
it,
gets
a
degree,
goes
on
to
teach
it
at
at
Harvard.
He
knows
more
about
what
it
would
be
like
to
have
an
orgasm
than
anybody
in
the
country.
The
other
brother,
it
took
him
1520
minutes
depending.
He
found
out
what
it
would
be
like
to
have
one,
right?
But
why
do
we
got
to
sit
around
studying
what
it
would
be
like
to
have
a
spiritual
awakening?
Go
for
it,
Chris
said
last
night.
Our
founders
didn't
suffer
from
the
delusion
that
they
had
time.
2
weeks,
boom
out
of
the
hospital
making
amends
now.
This
is
one
I
never
heard
until
my
first
visit
to
New
York,
but
some
of
you
have
fallen
victim
to
this
belief.
One
step
a
year.
So
let
me
get
that
right.
Nobody
in
this
room
would
be
helping
anybody
until
you're
12
years
sober.
Nobody
would
be
in
amends
until
you're
9.
I
made
it
six
months
and
I
was
ready
to
die
of
untreated
alcoholism.
And
they're
going
to
tell
you
take
a
step
a
year.
Guy
mentioned
it
at
the
break.
Misery
loves
company.
First
thing
I
ever
heard
at
one
of
my
first
meetings.
A
great
speaker
from
Texas,
he
said.
You
can
stay
sick
in
the
program
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
as
long
as
you
want,
and
you'll
have
plenty
of
company,
he
also
said.
You
can
get
well
in
the
program
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
and
you'll
have
plenty
of
company
doing
that
too.
Which
group
do
you
want
to
belong
to?
OK,
another
question.
How
many
believe
the
only
requirement
for
membership
is
the
only
requirement
for
sobriety?
The
only
requirement
for
membership
is
a
desire
to
stop
drinking.
I
would
be
willing
to
say
that
anybody
in
this
room
over
five
years
doesn't
even
meet
the
requirement
to
be
a
member
of
AA
anymore.
Because
you
know
what
I
don't
have
a
desire
to
stop
drinking.
It
was
removed
20
years
ago.
And
what
we've
done
in
the
program,
what
we've
done,
because
we
ain't
blaming
nobody
here.
What
we've
done
in
the
program
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
with
the
difference,
the
perversion
that
the
the
the
twistedness
between
the
short
form
of
the
third
tradition
and
the
long
form
of
the
third
tradition
is
what
is
watered
down
the
message.
Because
now
even
with
the
stuff
our
own
general
service
office
puts
out
about
a
closed
meeting,
I
think
Bill
was
real
clear
in
problems
other
than
alcoholism.
The
pamphlet
open
meetings,
bring
anybody,
bring
the
neighbors,
bring
the
family,
bring
anybody,
anybody's
welcome
to
an
open
meeting,
a
closed
meeting.
You
could
now
be
an
overeater.
You
could
be
anything
but
an
alcoholic.
And
all
you
would
have
to
say
is
I
have
a
desire
to
stop
drinking.
And
you
could
walk
up
to
somebody
who's
dying
of
alcoholism
and
share
your
solution
and
not
have
that
common
problem
and
kill
that
person
you're
talking
to
because
you
might
say
I'm
a
member
of
because
I
have
a
desire
to
stop
drinking
and
I
just
choose
not
to
drink
every
day.
And
everything's
just
hunky
Dory.
And
you've
just
given
that
person
a
razor
blade
and
they
might
as
well
just
kill
themselves.
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
for
Alcoholics.
And
you
don't
you
have
to
drink
alcohol
to
be
an
alcoholic.
My
therapist
told
me
I
have
an
alcoholic
mind,
but
I
never
drank.
No,
you
got
a
fucked
up
mind
and
you're
suffering
from
a
spiritual
malady.
Alcoholism
has
to
do
with
alcohol.
The
main
symptom
of
alcoholism
is
an
idea
that's
going
to
take
you
back
to
alcohol,
and
drug
addicts
aren't
always
Alcoholics.
We're
going
to
get
to
that
in
a
little
bit
when
we
get
to
the
doctor's
opinion.
Lot
of
people
are
alcoholic
addict.
I
started
the
work,
went
through
a
lot
of
the
work
because
I've
had
the
craving
for
drugs,
I've
had
the
obsession
for
drugs.
I
have
a
drugalogue.
That
might
scare
some
of
you
that
are
real
addicts,
but
all
I
have
to
do
is
say
something
to
a
real
addict.
All
I
have
to
do
is
say
one
thing.
I
woke
up
one
day,
made-up
my
mind
to
never
do
heroin
ever
again.
I
didn't
like
where
it
took
me,
and
I
never
shot
heroin
ever
again.
And
a
real
addict's
eyes
will
glaze
over
and
he'll
say,
I
don't
understand
you
because
I
tried
that
time
after
time
after
time.
Then
I'll
say
I
had
a
couple
bouts
with
cocaine,
one
here
in
New
York,
one
in
Key
West,
right
over
here
on
President
St.
Some
guys,
early
70s,
good
cocaine.
I
was
always
the
guy
when
they
were
snorting
it
and
they
didn't
want
to
hear
about
no
junky,
nothing,
nothing.
I
would
always
say,
could
you
please
put
mine
in
here?
And
I
would
go
to
the
other
room.
I
shoot
cocaine.
I
know
about
the
craving.
But
you
know
what?
I
woke
up
one
day
and
said
I
don't
like
the
way
cocaine
makes
me
feel.
I'm
never
going
to
do
it
ever
again.
And
I
never
did
it
ever
again.
So
technically,
we're
going
to
find
in
this
book,
my
first
step
goes
like
this.
I'm
a
real
alcoholic
who
was
a
hard
drug
user,
and
I
fit
every
symptom
of
a
hard
drug
user,
but
I'm
not
a
real
addict.
Now,
I'd
like
to
talk
about
a
step
that
everyone
in
this
room
has
been
on
but
nobody
in
this
room
has
ever
heard
of.
Only
a
couple.
I
would
like
to
talk
about
a
step
that
everyone
of
you
have
been
on.
Me
too.
A
new
step.
A
new
step,
but
we've
all
been
on
it.
I
would
like
to
talk
about
Step
0
and
I'm
saying
0
for
a
reason
because
it
goes
like
this.
Look
at
the
time
from
your
and
we
all
have
different
lengths
of
time
in
Step
zero,
and
you
can
be
in
Step
zero
again
after
going
through
one
through
9,
having
been
in
1011
and
12.
Step
Zero
goes
like
this.
Think
of
it
for
the
first
time.
You
were
in
Step
zero
from
the
day
of
your
last
drink
until
the
day
you
submitted
yourself
to
the
program
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
rather
than
the
fellowship.
You
were
in
a
step
called
Step
Zero
because
all
you
were
doing
was
eliminating
alternatives
to
get
down
to
two,
because
there's
no
reason
to
do
the
work
in
the
big
book
unless
you're
down
to
two
alternatives.
I
think
it's
page
20/20/25
and
on
that
page
it
says
to
go
on
the
best
you
can,
blotting
out
the
consciousness
of
your
situation
as
best
you
can,
or
to
accept
spiritual
help.
And
you
are
on
step
zero
because
you
got
more
than
those
two.
You
got
those
two
maybe,
but
you
also
got
another
option
that
if
you
get
the
right
job,
everything
will
be
just
right.
You
get
the
right
relationship,
everything
will
be
just
fine.
And
you
spend
a
period
of
time.
It
only
took
me
6
months.
God
loves
me
more
than
He
does
a
lot
of
you.
You
had
to
suffer
a
lot
more
than
I
did.
He
gave
me
6
months
to
hit
bottom
step
zero
because
I
thought
I
had
more
than
two
alternatives
and
my
alternative
was
this.
I
admit
that
I'm
powerless
over
alcohol
and
drugs
and
that's
why
my
life
became
unmanageable.
So
now
that
I'm
not
drinking
and
using
any
anymore,
the
problems
out
of
the
way,
everything
should
be
just
hunky
Dory
because
I'm
not
using
drugs
and
alcohol
anymore.