Mark H. and Dave F. at the Fellowship of the spirit convention at St. John's University, Queens in New York July 27th
If
you
if
you
really
want
to
get
taken
to
a
place
of
letting
go,
touch
the
fact
that
fear
is
at
the
very
fabric
of
your
being.
Touch
that
at
some
point
in
time
and
my
experience
was
is
is
in
in
waking
up
to
that
seeing
that
I
had
been
afraid
my
entire
life,
regardless
of
what
I
was
projecting,
right
seeing
that
and
experiencing
that
is
is
finally
where
I
said
I
cannot
and
I
will
not
live
this
way
anymore.
And
somewhere
in
the
middle
that
I
guess
is
when
I
realized
I
had
been
in
self-reliance
my
whole
life
and
even
those
years
in
a
A
and
somewhere
in
the
middle
of
the
realization
that
fear
was
at
the
fabric
of
my
being.
I
just
said
I
quit.
I
no
longer
makes
any
difference.
If
I
got
a
job,
fine.
If
I
don't
find
if
I
got
good
health,
that's
fine.
If
I
I
just
don't
care
anymore.
But
I
couldn't
have
that
experience
until
I
woke
up
to
the
fact
that
fear
was
at
the
fabric
of
my
being,
drove
me
in
every
area
of
my
life,
all
the
time.
I
was
paralyzed
with
fear,
which
accounted
for
a
lot
of
years
of
drinking
and
then
accounted
for
a
lot
of
years
of
depression
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
So,
so
again,
let's
let's
go
on
with
this
this
issue.
And
it
says
I'm
in
the
world
to
play
the
role
that
he
assigned.
Now
we
just
did
some
stuff
in
in
theater
of
the
life.
Here's
what's
different
for
me
today.
I'm
in
touch
with
my
beingness,
my
spirituality,
if
you
will,
and
I
take
that
into
the
role
that
God
has
assigned,
but
I'm
not
attached
to
the
role.
You
see
the
difference?
You're
either
going
to
fulfill
the
role
in
which
you
are
currently
assigned
based
on
self,
will
and
self-reliance,
or
you're
going
to
have
done
the
work
necessary
to
fulfill
the
role
God
has
assigned
and
take
your
beingness
into
the
role.
But
you're
not
attached
to
the
role.
Understand
what
I'm
saying?
I'm
going
to
go
on
a
little
bit
more
and
I'll
point
out
what
I
mean.
To
the
extent
that
I
do
as
I
think
God
would
have
me
and
humbly
rely
on
God,
does
God
enable
me
to
match
calamity
with
serenity?
Any
role
in
which
God
has
a
sign
that
you
are
performing.
If
self
will
is
involved,
you
cannot
practice
that
last
sentence.
And
it
goes
on
to
say
that
spirituality
is
the
way
of
strength.
The
verdict
of
the
ages
is
faith
means
courage.
All
men
and
women
of
faith
have
courage.
Here's
the
definition
of
trust
their
God.
They
trust
their
God.
And
what
they
do
is
they
let
God
demonstrate
through
them
what
God
can
do.
See,
unbeknownst
to
me
as
taking
this
course
of
action
allows
me
to
be
a
channel
so
God
can
demonstrate
through
me
what
God
can
do
in
all
of
the
roles
that
God
has
assigned.
I'm
not
the
doer.
It
is
sneezing
me.
You
understand
what
I'm
saying
here.
See,
it
is
sneezing
me.
I
mean,
it's
no
different
than
here's
the
preparation
Dave
and
I
did
to
come
here
and
spend
this
weekend
with
you.
We
we
went
through
the
first
three
steps.
We
wrote
some
pitiful
inventory
because
we're
such
spiritual
giants.
And
we,
we
spent
nine
hours
alternating
between
laughing
hysterically
and
crying,
you
know,
and,
and
we
left
there
and
knew
each
other
better
and
knew
God
better.
And
then
we
did
some
work
with
six
and
seven
and
we
made
our
list
and
we've
made
some
amends.
And
then
he
and
I,
in
addition
to
what
we
do
on
a
daily
basis,
we
go
downstairs
before
we
start
the
day
and
we
meditate
2-3
minutes
and
we
say
a
prayer
and
give
each
other
a
hug
and
come
up
here.
We
did
requires
no
preparation.
It
requires
nothing.
Why
God
has
assigned
Dave
and
IA
role
here
this
weekend,
right?
All
this
is,
is
a
space
suit
in
which
he
gets
to
come
through
and
perform
the
role
that
he
has
a
sign.
You
understand
what
I'm
saying?
Every
role
that
God
has
a
sign
that
you
have,
It
could
be
a
mother
or
father,
it
could
be
a
husband
or
wife
or
a
member
of
AA.
You
do
this
work
and
God
will
demonstrate
to
you
what
God
can
do.
See
what
I'm
saying?
See,
I
would
have
absolutely
no
power
to
get
in
front
of
a
hundred,
120
of
the
most
judgmental
humans
on
the
planet
and
talk
about
these
steps
and
talk
about,
you
understand,
I
don't
have
any
power
to
do
that
kind
of
stuff.
I
don't
have
the
power
to
keep
myself
sober
one
day.
So
you
do
this
work
and
then
God
against
begins
to
demonstrate
through
you
what
God
can
do.
And
that's
what
you
begin
to
take
into
every
area
of
your
life.
You
take
it
into
your
work,
you
take
it
into
AA,
you
take
it
into
your
relationships
with
people,
see,
and
then
the
tools
of
10
or
11
is
just
to
watch
when
you're
demonstrating
your
will
versus
God's
will.
And
fear
is
always
the
the,
the
quickest
litmus
test
for
whether
or
not
you've
got
self
will
going
on
in
the
respective
role
in
which
you
are
playing
for
somebody
you
see.
And
then
it
gives
you
a
tool
when
you're
awake
to
the
fact
that
you're
afraid,
which
I
wasn't
for
a
long
time.
I'm
going
to
ask
him
to
remove
my
fear
and
drug
my
attention
what
he
would
have
me
be.
There's
the
word
be.
And
go
back
to
your
third
step
decision.
I'm
going
to
be
his
child.
I'm
going
to
be
his
agent.
I'm
going
to
be
his
employee,
right?
And
I'm
going
to
be
his
actor.
So
any
situation
I'm
in,
I
begin
to
experience
fear
and
the
prayers.
God
remove
the
fear
and
what
would
you
have
me
be?
And
you
touch
that
your
beingness
again.
So
you
take
you
take
what
God
would
have
you
be
into
what
you're
doing.
That's
completely
different
than
thinking
you're
you're
doing.
You
see
what
I'm
saying?
Fear
is
the
great
is
the
great
corroding
thread
to
ever
begin
into
experience
God,
which
is
love.
You
know,
there's
another
book
that
I
I
think
that
makes
it
fairly
easy
to
look
at
where
you're
at.
It
just
deals
with
two
emotions.
It
says
basically
you're
either
into
fear
or
love,
which
is
it
going
to
be?
And
that's
easy
for
me
to
work
with
because
if
I'm
experiencing
fear,
I
once
again
am
into
self
will.
If
I'm
experiencing
love,
I'm
letting
God
demonstrate
through
me
what
God
can
do.
Air
inventory.
A
lot
of
different
ways.
I've
done
very
simple
two
column
fair
inventory.
I
have
written
4
column
free
inventories
in
which
I
put
the
fear
in
column
one.
What
I
was
afraid
of
in
column
two.
How
self-reliance.
How
was
I
relying
on
self
in
column
three
And
in
the
fourth
column,
what
would
God
have
me
be
around
this
fear?
I've
done
done
it
a
lot
of
different
ways.
I
normally
boil
it
down
my
experience
as
I
see
here
today.
It
may
be
different
a
year
from
now
is
there's
only
one
fear.
It's
the
fear
of
death
of
something.
It's
the
fear
of
death
of
something.
Could
be
a
relationship,
physical
body
image.
It
doesn't
make
any
difference.
There's
one
fear
is
what
all
my
inventories
constantly
take
me
down
to
is
I'm
afraid
of
the
death
of
something.
My
my
ego
seems
preoccupied
hourly
with
death,
the
death
of
something
That
mind
made
false
sense
of
self,
right
mind
made
false
sense
of
self.
Every
time
I
write
fear
inventory,
whatever
they
are,
you
know,
Guywella,
I
got
to
fear
of
drinking
again.
Well,
what's
that
the
fear
of
Well,
it's
a
fear
of
the
death
of
being
a
sober
member
of
AA,
right?
Or
say
you
have
a
fear
of
financials,
financial
problems.
What's
that
about?
Well,
that's
a
fear
that
I
won't
get
what
I
want.
The
debt,
the
death
of
me
not
getting.
You
follow
what
I'm
saying.
There's
there's
a
gentleman
is
some
of
his
works
have
influenced
me
named
Stuart
Wild.
And
one
of
the
things
I
like
about
him
is
he
said,
if
you're
a
spiritual
philosophy
cannot
be
described
in
10
words
or
less,
you
might
consider
getting
another
one.
And
I
like
that.
You
know,
I
was
raised
on
a
farm
in
Iowa.
I'm
actually
fairly
simple
guy.
So
the
idea
that
I
can
boil
it
down
in
anytime
I'm
afraid,
I
ask
myself
one
question.
What
is
the
fear
of
death
right
now
that
you're
up
against?
You
follow
me.
All
my
image,
how
I
look,
see
what
I'm
saying.
That
makes
it
easy.
Then
I
can
just
just
see
the
one.
But
that's
some
of
my
some
of
my
experiences
with
fear
inventory,
written
a
lot
of
fear
inventory
and
it
was
at
the
fabric
of
my
being.
It
is
a
horrible
way
to
experience
this
incredible
thing
called
life.
It
is
a
horrible
way
and
you
and
I
know
about
it
at
levels
most
people
can't
even
imagine.
I
I
drank,
I
drank
every
day
and
large
amounts
of
alcohol
to
not
experience
the
fears
in
my
life.
What
I
was
asleep
to
was
the
reason
I
am
so
afraid
is
I've
always
gone
through
life
continually
relying
on
Mark,
my
agnosticism,
my
current
agnosticism.
Once
again,
I'm
telling
you,
I
believe
in
God,
but
relying
on
Mark.
And
the
reason
I
know
that
is
because
I'm
still
experiencing
fear
in
some
areas.
So
I
said
to
you,
if
you
want
to
touch
where
God
is
not
in
your
life,
ask
yourself
where
in
the
last
week,
what
are
the
fears
that
keep
coming
up
for
you?
And
based
on
my
experience,
if,
if
you
have
several
areas
in
which
fear
keeps
coming
up,
those
are
the
areas
in
which
you
are
completely
reliant
on
self
and
God
is
not
a
part
of
the
picture.
So
consider
looking
at
that.
Thanks,
Mark.
What
he
just
described
there,
that's
basically
the
second
step
proposition
exercise.
The
areas
that
you're
experiencing
fear,
those
are
the
areas
that
you
haven't
given
over
to
God.
All
right,
A
friend
of
mine
who's
here
tonight,
he's
talking
to
me
about
his
second
step
proposition
exercise.
I
gave
it
to
him
a
while
ago
and
all
suddenly
his
eyes
light
up
and
as
he's
describing
this,
he
says,
you
know,
I
got
it
right
here
in
my
wallet.
He
says,
do
you
remember
when
you
gave
that
to
me?
And
I
said,
yeah.
He
says,
you
know,
I
haven't
had
a
panic
attack
since
I
wrote
that
exercise.
And
he
was
absolutely
asleep
that
he
has
not
had
a
panic
attack
since
he
started
using
the
second
step
proposition
exercise.
Pretty
amazing
stuff.
In
the
in
the
guide
on
page
12
is
fears
all
right?
One
of
the
techniques
I
do,
since
my
goal
is
to
find
fear
and
since
fear
is
what
my,
the
tool
my
ego
is
going
to
use
to
drag
me
to
the
bar,
I
want
to
find
any
kind
of
fear
I
can.
So
I've
written
column
four
question
for
right.
We
did
the
four
column
inventory,
which
is
where
was
I
frightened?
So
I've
got
every
fear
that's
related
to
resentment.
So
the
only
other
fear
is
I
need
to
find
are
fears
that
aren't
related
to
resentment,
fear
of
heights,
fear,
fear
of
spiders,
fear
of
AIDS,
fear
of
whatever.
All
right,
So
I
take
column
four,
question
four
and
I
transfer
it
over
into
the
fear
column
which
is
column
one
there
a
tool
that
I
use
is
a
lot
of
times
I'm
afraid
of
something
I'm
also
afraid
of
its
opposite.
So
when
I
look
at
my
fear
column,
I
look
at
my
fears
and
I
look
at
my
opposite
fears
to
see
if
maybe
by
chance
I'm
afraid
of
the
opposite.
And
I'm
not
awake
to
it.
It's
just
an
idea
for
how
to
come
up
with
extra
fears
to
make
sure
you
don't
miss
any
because
the
fear
you
miss
is
the
fear
your
ego
is
going
to
0
out
on
to
kill
you.
All
right.
Then
the
next
instruction
is
why
am
I
afraid?
And
that's
the
boil
down
process.
And
I
write
down
why
am
I
afraid
of
rejection?
And
I
just
fill
it
out.
Then
I
put
the
three
slashes
and
the
three,
everything
after
the
three
slashes
lets
me
know
that
that
relates
to
the
second,
the
opposite
fear.
All
right.
And
then
I'm
looking
for
recurring
themes
when
I
get
done
with
that
middle
piece
there
of
column
two
of
what
am
I
afraid
of?
What
are
the
fears
that
kept
repeating
over
and
over
and
over
again?
And
that's
where
I
come
up
with
the
boil
down
process.
And
that's
what
that
extra
column
is.
And
when
I'm
finally
done
with
this
whole
process,
I
end
up
with
10
to
15
fears
of
the
average
alcoholic
in
my
experience,
ends
up
with
about
10
or
15
years.
And
I
call
that
the
Hit
Parade
column.
One
may
start
out
with
300
Fears
by
the
time
I've
done
the
spiritual
work
and
I
boiled
it
down,
I
boil
it
down
to
15
fears.
All
300
fears
are
just
different
little
variants
of
the
15
fears.
So
if
I
can
get
rid
of
those
15
fears,
guess
what?
I'm
getting
rid
of
all
300
fears.
And
if
I
get
rid
of
all
300
fears,
there's
nothing
for
resentment
to
sit
on.
I've
taken
the
foundation
out
from
from
resentment.
I
can't
be
blocked
from
God.
So
the
hit
parade
for
me
is
absolutely
critical.
And
that
card
that
I
showed
you
earlier
that
I
carry
in
my
money
clip
with
me,
that's
my
hit
parade.
On
the
left
side
is
my
hit
parade.
And
my
right
side
of
that
card
is
what
does
God
want
me
to
be?
Because
there's
times
in
my
life
where
I'm
pretty
current,
where
I
basically
have
given
almost
every
area
of
my
life
over
to
God.
And
I
may
not
see
the
area
of
my
life
that
I'm
blocked
from
when
I'm
recognized
and
I'm
restless,
irritable,
and
discontented.
So
I
slam
on
the
brakes
because
I'm
awake
today
and
I
realize,
wait
a
minute,
I'm
not
looking
at
a
character,
but
I
can
feel
it
in
my
gut.
Something
is
wrong.
I
go
to
my
money
clip,
I
whip
out
my
hit
parade
and
I
say
which
one
of
these
fears
has
woken
up.
I
find
the
fear
and
I
go
right
to
what
does
God
want
me
to
and
I
do
the
tool
on
page
68.
God,
please
remove
this
fear.
The
big
book
is
real
big
on
vision.
Instead
of
just
telling
me
what
not
to
do,
I
better
be
looking
at
what
I'm
supposed
to
be
going
to.
I
need
to
have
an
image
in
my
mind.
You
know,
if
I
tell
everybody
in
this
room,
don't
think
about
a
pink
elephant,
guess
what?
You
all
have
a
mental
image
of
a
pink
elephant
and
now
it's
in
your
head.
You
can't
get
rid
of
it
unless
I
replace
that
image
with
something
else.
It's
the
same
deal
with
fear.
If
I
tell
you
don't
be
afraid
of
being
unloved,
I
need
to
give
you
something
to
focus
on
that's
going
to
take
its
place.
So
I'm
looking
for
what
does
God
want
me
to
be?
We're
going
to
place
that
and
then
I'm
going
to
send
you
out
on
an
exercise
to
go
do
that,
whatever
that
happens
to
be.
How
can
I
do
whatever
that
is
right
now?
What
does
guy
want
me
to
be
right
here,
right
now?
Oh,
wait
a
minute.
If
I'm
doing
that
right
here
right
now,
guess
what?
I'm
president.
I'm
conscious,
I'm
awake,
I'm
aware
my
spirit's
awake.
I'm
plugged
into
God.
Fear
doesn't
own
me.
My
ego
can't
own
me
because
I'm
back
in
the
present
being
of
service
for
God,
doing
what
God
wants
me
to
be.
It's
really
a
simple
deal.
We
took
how
many
hours
to
teach
it
to
you
to
talk
about
it?
But
when
you
boil
it
all
down,
it's
really
a
deal.
How
can
I
get
back
to
doing
what
God
wants
me
to
do?
That's
the
whole
shooting
match.
All
right,
there's
some
instructions
we
blew
right
past.
How
many
people
in
the
room
with
a
raise
of
hands
believe
that
between
column
three
and
column
4?
Oops.
The
Big
Book
tells
you
to
pray
for
the
bastards.
Let's
see,
does
the
big
is
your
instructions
in
the
big
book
that
says
all
these
people
that
we're
upset
with
that
we're
supposed
to
pray
for
them?
Let
me
see
if
I
can
have
a
shift.
I'm
going
to
need
a
truly
open
mind
on
this
one.
Let's
go
to
the
instruction
in
the
book
between
columns
3
and
column
four.
Let's
start
on
page
66.
Colon
3.
All
right,
remember,
there's
another
instruction
that
we
covered
already.
It
says
nothing
counted
but
thoroughness
and
honesty.
Do
you
think
Bill
Wilson
meant
that
when
you're
dealing
with
inventory,
nothing
counts
but
thoroughness
and
honesty?
So
if
you
look
at
me
and
you
say,
well,
it's
going
to
take
too
many
hours
to
write
out
this
fear
inventory,
3
hours.
Big
deal
if
it
takes
you
3
hours.
I
mean,
we'd
sit
in
a
cesspool,
you
know,
if
we
can
spend
3
hours
there,
if
we
get
a
bottle
of
beer
when
we're
drinking,
you
know,
we'd
walk
across
broken
glass
to
get
a
bottle
of
beer.
What's
right
in
a
little
bit
inventory
It's
nothing
all
right
66
colon
three
we
turn
back
to
the
list
for
it
held
the
key
to
the
future.
Remember
linguistics
what's
the
IT
they're
talking
about
the
list
right.
I
think
that's
important.
This
4th
step
is
the
key
to
my
future.
We're
prepared
to
look
at
it
from
entirely
different
angle.
We
began
to
see
that
the
world
and
its
people
really
dominated
us
in
that
state.
The
wrongdoing
of
others
fancied
or
real.
I
don't
care
if
it's
a
real
threat
or
it's
just
an
imaginary
fear.
It
has
the
power
to
actually
kill
you,
all
right.
How
can
you
escape?
We
saw
that
these
resentments
must
be
mattered.
But
how?
We
could
not
wish
them
away
any
more
than
alcohol.
This
is
our
course.
We
realize
that
the
people
who
wronged
us
were
perhaps
spiritually
sick,
though
we
did
not
not
like
their
symptoms.
Column
one,
excuse
me,
Column
two,
and
the
way
they
disturbed
this
column
three,
they,
like
ourselves,
were
six.
Two,
right,
Here
comes
the
deal,
we
ask
God.
Here's
a
prayer
to
help
us
show
them
the
same
tolerance,
pity,
and
patient
that
we
truthfully
grant
a
sick
friend.
Linguistics,
exercise,
people.
Who
are
we
praying
for?
We're
praying
for
ourselves.
We're
not
praying
for
the
sick
bastards.
We're
praying
for
us,
for
God
to
come
into
us
and
soften
our
heart,
to
rip
the
cover
off
our
golf
ball
to
help
us
unwind
that
strapping
that's
hiding
the
kernel
of
love
that's
underneath.
Our
problem
is
our
ego
has
taken
us
into
column
3,
into
the
theater,
and
it's
holding
us
hostage
there
so
that
we
can't
soften
our
heart
for
others.
And
we're
going
to
whip
ourselves
with
this
and
beat
up
on
ourselves.
We
God
has
to
come
in
and
soften
our
hearts.
We're
praying
for
ourselves.
It
does
not
go
against
what's
written
in
the
11th
step.
It
says
we
should
not
pray
for
ourselves
only.
It's
OK
to
pray
for
ourselves
if
others
will
be
helped.
Really
important
deal.
All
right,
we
and
and
we,
we
blasted
right
past
this,
you
know,
and
then
it
gives
on
some
more
instructions.
We
avoid
retaliation
and
argument.
We
wouldn't
treat
sick
people
that
way.
If
we
do,
we
destroy
a
chance
of
being
helpful.
We
cannot
be
helpful
to
all
people,
but
at
least
God
will
show
us
how
to
take
a
kindly
intolerant
view
of
each
and
everyone.
God
is
going
to
come
into
your
heart
and
show
you
how
to
take
the
kind
and
tolerant
view.
Once
again,
you're
not
praying
for
them,
you're
praying
for
yourself.
Both
of
those
statements
confirm
that
it's
you
that
needs
the
help.
If
you're
still
looking
at
the
sick
bastards
you
can't
get
from
three
to
four,
that'll
hang
you
up
every
time.
You'll
get
stuck
in
column
three
and
you'll
go
but,
but,
but,
but
look
what
they
did
to
me.
If
you
pray
to
God,
God
will
soften
your
heart
and
you'll
be
able
to
see
the
truth
that
you
are
at
fault.
Your
problems
are
of
your
own
making.
It's
your
selfishness,
it's
your
dishonesty
that's
causing
this
problem.
Once
you
can
see
that,
then
you
can
get
free.
Then
you
can
move
on
with
the
rest
of
the
exercise.
All
right,
at
the
bottom
Mark
described
his
his
way
of
doing
inventory.
This
did
not
used
to
be
in
the
guide.
This
is
something
I
just
added
because
I
had
people
have
told
me
to
write
4
column
inventory
on
fears
before
and
I
could
never
figure
out
how
to
do
it.
And
there's
that
little
block
at
the
bottom
of
page
12,
you
know,
and
that's
basically
what
he
described
and
he
wrote
it
out
in
paragraph
arm.
You
know,
what
was
his
fear?
What
was
his
belief
system
with
regard
to
the
fear?
You
know,
where
was
the
fear
taken
him?
Basically,
how
is
self-reliance
failed
him
with
regard
to
this
fear?
Why
didn't
the
fear
work
for
him?
And
what
roles
or
characters
did
his
ego
assign
with
the
fear?
And
then
what
does
God
want
him
to
be?
All
right.
Something
that
I
didn't
talk
about
is
17
area
inventory.
Mark
and
I
went
through
this
time
and
I
mentioned
it
when
we
first
started
this
deal.
There's
an
article
from
the
Grapevine
that
was
written
by
Paul
M
from
Chicago.
He's
got
50
plus
years
of
sobriety
and
he
wrote
an
article
in
the
Grapevine.
And
he
said
from
his
experience,
one
of
the
things
he
found
is
that
an
inventory
he
likes
to
cover
various
areas
in,
in,
in
a
sponsee's
life
to
look
at
how
these
resentments
and
stuff
have
affected
him.
And
he
listed
in
the
Grapevine
article
the
17
areas
that
he
talked
about.
And
it's
he
starts
with
the
basic
inventories,
the
resentment,
the
fear,
harm
is
done
to
others
that
the
big
book
gives
us.
But
then
he
looks
at
the
seven
deadly
sins
come
out
of
the
12
and
12
and
he
looks
at
a
couple
other
areas.
So
I
wrote
up
this
little
inventory
with
the
17
topics
of
the
headings
that
Paul
gave
us.
And
there's
copies
of
that
floating
around
over
there
on
the
table.
Do
not
do
this
inventory
if
it's
your
first
inventory.
I
probably
wouldn't
do
it
if
it's
my
second
or
third
inventory.
But
if
you're
long
term
sober
and
you're
really
looking
at
cracking
the
nut,
getting
down
to
the
real
root
cause,
We
looked
at
Mark
and
I
looked
at
17
areas
of
our
life
besides
just
resentment,
fear
and
and
sex
harms.
And
we
looked
at
specific.
Your
ego
doesn't
want
to
take
a
look
at
it.
You
might
want
to
admit
that
I'm
being
dishonest.
Yeah,
I'm
dishonest,
but
that's
all
you
want
to
look
at.
And
then
we
go
into
eight
areas
of
your
life.
Well,
how
have
you
been
been
dishonest
in
your
home
life?
In
specifics,
you
write
out
I've
been
dishonest
to
my
wife
by
not
telling
her
what
I'm
going
to
be
doing.
You
know,
if
she
doesn't
ask
a
direct
question,
she
doesn't
get
a
direct
answer.
You
know,
I've
been
dishonest
at
work
because
I've
been
cutting
out
15
minutes
early
for
years,
you
know,
and
you're
right
out
the
specifics,
exactly
how
your
ego
has
been
taken
hold
of
you
in
those
areas,
man.
It'll
split
you
open
like
a
ripe
watermelon.
17
area
inventory,
powerful
stuff.
I
throw
that
out
there
for
you
so
that
you
can
see
that
there's
there's
more
to
this
deal.
One
other
thing
I
want
to
talk
about
with
relationships,
I
talked
a
little
bit
about
the
inside
of
the
wall.
Outside
of
the
wall,
one
of
the
things
that
we're
trying
to
get
to
is
the
kernel
that's
inside
of
us.
Love,
pure
unconditional
love.
At
least
that's
how
I
can
conceptualize
it
in
my
own
heart.
There's
a
book
by
Gary
Chapman.
It's
called
The
Five
Love
Languages
has
changed
my
life.
I
like
to
be
loved
in
a
certain
way.
For
me,
my
primary
love
language
is
physical
touch.
I
love
to
hug.
I
love
and
that's
why
I
express
love.
If
I'm
really
care
about
you,
I'll
reach
up
and
I'll
patch
you
on
the
back.
You
know,
I'll
give
you
a
little
attaboy
that
type
of
deal.
Other
people
have
a
different
love
language.
They
may
like
you
to
do
things
for
them.
Little
other
people
like
gifts.
When
you
give
them
gifts,
they
go,
oh,
you
know,
that's
how
that's
how
they
know
that
they
that
you
love
them.
My
problem
was
I
was
asleep.
I
was
going
through
my
life
expecting
people
that
loved
me
would
show
me
the
language,
the
love
and
the
language
I
was
listening
for,
you
know?
And
that's
what
I
was
doing
with
them.
And
I
realized,
and
I'm
trying
to
love
you
in
my
language.
I'll
come
up
and
throw
my
arms
around
you.
But
if
you're
one
of
these
big
burly
guys
and
you
don't
like
people
hugging
you,
what's
my
message
to
you?
It's
not
love.
You're
like,
get
the
hell
away
from
me.
But
I'm
being
as
love
as
I
loving
as
possibly
could.
So
if
you're
interested
in
taking
any
relationship
to
the
next
level,
I
suggest
that
he
writes
that
he
wrote
it
for
for
children.
He's
got
one.
I've
been
using
it
with
my
kids.
He's
got
one
for
teenagers.
5
Languages
of
Love
in
dealing
with
teenagers.
Powerful
stuff.
It's
changed
my
life.
Gary
Chapman
5
Languages
of
Love
was
on
the
best
seller
list
for
for
a
long
time.
Here's
the
deal
for
you
if
you
choose
to
get
that
book,
do
the
tornado
exercise
with
that
book
to
everybody
in
your
life
and
figure
out
all
the
important
people
in
your
life.
What's
their
love
language?
So
you
know
how
to
love
people
the
right
way
that'll
change
your
life.
How
many
people
live
in
here,
think
they
have
an
open
mind?
You
guys
want
a
real
challenge
this
next
break?
Here's
your
exercise.
And
this
is
a
real
strong
gauntlet.
I
want
you
to
go
up
to
somebody
that
you
don't
know,
introduce
yourself
to
them,
find
out
something
about
them,
right?
We're
all
children
of
God,
right?
Then
I
want
you
to
look
in
their
eyes,
look
into
the
window
of
their
soul,
and
express
how
you
feel
about
them.
I
love
you
because
you're
a
child
of
God.
Has
anybody
told
you
that
I
love
you
today?
I
love
you,
Nobody
else
loves
you,
I
love
you
today.
Try
that
and
see
what
that
does
inside
your
heart.
It'll
scare
the
hell
out
of
you.
We're
talking
about
fear
inventory,
but
it
feels
good.
That's
what
we're
looking
for.
We're
looking
to
fill
this
hole
in
our
soul.
We've
been
looking
for
it
for
a
whole
sobriety.
Fear
has
blocked
us
off
all
over
the
place.
If
you
can
develop
that
technique,
there's
a
convention
over
here.
We're
at
the
at
the
hotel
we're
staying
at.
It's
this
huge
family.
They're
having
a
family
get
together.
I've
met
some
of
the
neatest
people
in
the
elevator
going
up
and
down.
And
that
elevator,
I'm
looking
at,
hey,
how
you
doing?
Where
are
you
from
today?
And
they're
looking
at
me.
And
these
are
African
Americans.
And
here's
this
big
white
guy,
you
know,
and
he's
towering
over
him
saying,
hey,
how
you
doing
today?
You
know,
and
I'm
looking
him
in
the
eye.
I'm
connecting
with
the
window
of
the
soul.
And
next
thing
you
know,
their
spirits
are
open.
And
this
one
woman,
she's
looking
at
me.
She's
going.
Well,
I
left
Georgia
this
morning
and
I
was
really
having
the
plane
was
late
and
I
was
having
a
bad
day.
When
she
walked
off
that
elevator,
she
had
a
smile
on
her
face
and
I
had
a
smile
in
my
heart.
What
did
it
cost
me?
Nothing.
So
if
we
can't
learn
to
love
each
other
in
the
rooms,
how
are
we
going
to
do
it
outside
of
the
rooms?
How
are
we
going
to
bring
these
principles
home?
So
let's
try
it
with
each
other.
We
love
each
other.
We're
a
spiritual
body.
We
all
share
the
same.
If
nothing
else,
we
got
one
thing
in
common.
So
let's
play
off
of
that.
Let's
start
to
defeat
fear
because
not
just
knowing
the
fear
is
the
problem.
We
need
to
substitute
it
with
something
else.
Nothing
works
better
than
love.
That's
the
kernel.
That's
the
goal.
And
in
the
process,
we
become
instruments
of
God.
All
right,
that's,
that's
it.
And
fears
for
me.
Let's
take
a
15
minute
break.
OK.
If
you
guys
look
at
in
your
seats,
we'll
go
ahead
and
kick
this
thing
back
off.
Sit
anywhere.
Sit
right
there,
Bill,
I
don't
care.
No,
You
can
take
it
any
place
you
want.
All
right,
it
was
it
easy
to
do
for
some
people,
the
people
that
are
saying
it
wasn't
easy
to
do,
there's
God
has
got
your
attention.
Why
wasn't
it
easy
to
do?
Because
it's
new.
It's
the
we
you're
digging
your
heels
in.
It's
change
you
don't
like
change.
If
you
can
do
it,
the
more
you
can
do
it,
the
easier
it
becomes.
The
things
we
practice
we
become
right.
So
practice
that,
you
know,
particularly
if
there's
some
issue,
if
you
have
a
prejudice
of
any
kind.
This
is
the
deal.
If
you
got
trouble
with
African
Americans
then
seek
them
out,
be
friends
and
find
out
the
children
of
God.
If
you
got
problems
with
religion,
you
know,
let's,
there's
a
candidate.
If
you
got
problems
with,
let's
say
with
Muslims,
you
know,
a
lot
of
people
have
problems
with
Muslims.
You
know,
I,
I
worked
with
a
guy,
he's,
he
was
a
rabbinical
college,
right,
studying
to
be
a
rabbi.
And
he
came
up
to
me
and
on
his
inventory
was
some
stuff
about
what's
happened
to
his,
his,
the
people
of
his
belief.
And
he
had
a
real
hard
time
with
that.
And
I've
been
trying
to
encourage
him
to
see
that
it
was
some
people
did
some
things
in
the
past.
His
ego
wanted
to
continue
to
use
that.
You
know,
go
meet
people
that
are
here
today.
Don't
blame
everybody
because
of
something
that
happened
in
the
past.
Go
have
your
own
experience
and
find
out
that
we're
all
children
of
God.
You
know,
as
Mark
was
saying,
it's
not
the
color
of
our
skin,
it's
not
the
religion.
It's
we
are
children
of
God
and
we
have
one
common
denominator.
No
matter
what
you
are,
I
don't
care
if
you're
green,
purple,
it
doesn't
matter
to
me.
Pink
polka
dotted.
You
got
the
kernel
inside,
and
I
can
connect
with
you
at
that
level,
and
we
can
build
from
that
foundation.
If
what
if
I
have
a
foundation
of
complete
willingness?
I'm
willing
to
take
the
risk.
And
you
know
what?
Nobody
has
the
power
to
hurt
me
because
God
is
my
protector,
right?
You
may
be
able
to
hurt
the
exterior,
but
does
that
change
what's
inside
me?
No,
can't
hurt
that.
It's
always
going
to
be
there
no
matter
what,
all
right?
The
true
essence
of
what
I
am
is
not
going
to
change.
One
of
the
other
things
that
I
did
not
talk
about
talking
about
inventory,
when
we
start
talking
about
column
three,
I
tried
to
tone
it
down,
but
I
get
harsh
and
abusive
with
my
language,
right?
We
don't
write
inventory
by
saying,
oh,
she
harmed
me.
You
say
that
bleepity,
bleepity,
bleep.
In
my
mind,
because
I'm
talking
about
a
woman.
I'm
going
to
use
terms
that
are
very
degrading
and
condescending
and
all
the
rest
because
that's
what
goes
on
here.
The
voices
are
talking
in
here.
That's
what
it's
saying.
And
now
Hollywood's
not
going
to
let
that
out
normally,
but
that's
the
voice
that's
in
here.
By
the
time
I
get
to
column
four,
that
is
not
who
and
what
I
am.
You
are
children
of
God.
And
if
I
have
offended
you
because
of
using
that
word,
those
type
of
words,
it's
not
intentional
because
that's
what
the
voice
in
here
is
doing.
When
I
get
into
column
three,
I
start
thinking
in
the
terms
of
column
three.
You
think
very
arrogant
and
pompous
in
talking
down
and
all
the
slangs
and
the
slurs,
the
real
nasty
things,
all
the
nastiness
you
can
think
of.
That's
the
kind
of
stuff
that
goes
on
in
our
minds,
you
know.
So
when
you
hear
back
here,
it's
not
gender
specific,
but
when
I'm
talking
about
a
woman,
the
committee
in
here
is
talking
in
terms
that
are
not
pleasant.
And
so
I
hope
I
didn't
offend
anybody
with
that,
but
a
number
of
people
I
can
tell
her
are
agitated
by
that.
So
that's
been
brought
to
my
attention.
Anything
that
happens
up
here
is
I'm
trying
to
share
my
experience
and
that's
what's
going
on.
There's
some
people
here,
I'm
sure
somebody
came
up
to
me
and
shared
with
me
the
fact
that
I
talked
about
God,
you
know,
and
that
we're,
we're
sharing
so
much
about
and
generally
basically
Christianity,
we're
using
Christian
type
terms.
And
they
were
reacting
to
that
because
that's
not
their
belief.
And
then
they
wrote
some
inventory
on
it
today,
thank
goodness.
And
they
saw
that
they
invited
us
here
to
share
our
experience.
You're
going
to
hear
our
experience
with
our
donkeys.
Doesn't
mean
our
donkeys
are
better
than
your
donkeys.
You
know,
get
off
your
donkey.
I'll
get
off
my
donkey
and
I'll
look
you
in
the
eye
and
we'll
share
at
the
level
of
love.
That's
the
important
deal.
We
are
all
the
same,
you
know,
what
are
the
fingers
pointing
to?
Where
is
the
donkey
taking
us?
The
views
the
same
All
right.
And
lastly,
I
wanted
to
talk
about
forgiveness.
I
hate
to
to
transition
out
of
resentment
and
fear
without
talking
about
forgiveness
and
one
of
the
greatest
descriptions
of
forgiveness
comes
from
Emmet
Fox.
If
you
guys
haven't
got
it,
I
highly
recommend
this
book
around
the
year
with
Emma
Fox.
It's
a
compilation
is
a
little
daily
reading
for
each
one
of
his
for
every
day
and
extremely
powerful.
And
and
the
reason
I
mentioned
it
from
the
podium
is
Bill
Wilson
and
Doctor
Bob
used
it
extensively.
When
you
read
this
in
here,
you'll
say,
hey,
that's
in
the
big
book
Bill
stole
from
Emmett.
There
it
is.
You
know,
you
know,
Bill
and
Bill
Wilson
knew
Emmett
secretary
little
history.
He
knew
Emmett
secretary.
And
so
they'd
get
insurance
at
at
when
he
would
be
preaching
in
New
York
City.
He'd
have,
you
know,
one
of
his
revival
meetings
and
he'd
be
talking
in
in
there.
And
and
so
they'd
go
to
their
a
meeting
after
their
meeting
and
I'd
say,
hey,
you
know,
the
secretary
got
him
some
tickets.
They'd
all
run
down
there
and
they'd
go
sit
in
his
meetings.
So
it
was
that
was
required
reading
in
early
A
a
was
Emmet
Fox
all
right?
He
says
the
forgiveness
of
others
is
the
vestibule
of
heaven.
You
have
to
get
rid
of
all
resentment
and
condemnation
of
others
and
not
least
self
condemnation
and
remorse.
You
have
to
forgive
yourself,
but
cannot
forgive
yourself
sincerely
until
you
have
forgiven
others
first.
Of
course,
nothing
in
all
the
world
is
easier
than
to
forgive
people
who
have
not
heard
us
very
much.
But
what
the
law
of
being
requires
of
us
is
that
we
forgive
the
very
things
that
are
so
hard
to
forgive
that
at
first
seems
impossible
to
do
it
all.
Setting
others
freeze
means
setting
yourself
free
because
resentment
is
really
a
form
of
attachment.
It
is
a
cosmic
truth
that
it
takes
two
to
make
a
prisoner
a
prisoner
and
a
jailer.
There
is
no
such
thing
as
being
a
prisoner
in
one's
own
account.
Moreover,
the
jailer
is
as
much
a
prisoner
as
his
charge.
When
you
hold
resentment
against
anyone,
you
are
bound
to
that
person
by
mental
chain.
You
were
tied
by
a
cosmic
tie
to
the
thing
that
you
hate.
The
one
person,
perhaps
in
the
whole
world,
whom
you
disliked
is
the
very
one
to
whom
you
are
attached
to
yourself
by
hooks
that
are
stronger
than
steel.
The
object
of
your
resentment
will
be
drawn
again
into
your
life,
perhaps
to
work
further
havoc.
By
forgiveness
you
set
yourself
free.
You
save
your
own
soul.
That's
what
we've
been
talking
about
in
this
deal.
The
closer
we
get
to
the
inside
of
your
wall,
the
harder
it
is
to
forgive.
We're
about
to
start
the
sex
inventory,
right?
It's
going
to
require
a
change
in
your
perception.
Everybody's
sitting.
Who's
sitting
here?
Do
you
believe
that
you're
moving?
You're
sitting
here,
you're
stationary,
right?
But
are
we
all
right?
Let's
see
if
there's
a
possibility
here.
When
Mark
starts
talking
about
sex
inventory
and
the
harms
others
have
done
to
us.
Let's
see
if
there's
a
possibility
that
maybe
there's
something.
We
know
there's
a
side
to
it.
We're
not
seeing
that
maybe
there's
a
shift.
This
is
a
little
page
that
I
ripped
out
from.
I
believe
it
was
the
upper
room.
It's
either
upper
Room
or
the
daily
Bread.
I
think
it's
the
upper
room.
So
scientific
measurements
indicate
that
we
are
moving
even
when
we
are
standing
still.
The
service
of
the
Earth
at
the
equator
rotates
at
about
1000
mph.
The
Earth
is
orbiting
the
sun
at
about
67,000
miles
an
hour.
Our
solar
system
whirls
around
the
center
of
our
Galaxy
at
490,000
mph,
and
it
zooms
along
at
43,000
miles
an
hour
in
the
direction
of
the
star
Vega
in
the
constellation
Lira.
But
that's
not
all.
Our
Milky
Way
Galaxy
is
hurtling
through
space
at
1.3
million
mph.
The
man
lying
on
his
back
in
a
quiet
park
on
a
closed
on
a
cloudless
summer
day
may
feel
as
though
all
time
and
movement
have
stopped
under
the
hot
rays
of
the
noonday
sun.
But
the
scientists
and
the
godly
person
know
otherwise.
Just
as
we
are
hurtling
through
the
heavens
at
unimaginable
speeds,
so
too
we
were
moving
from
here
to
eternity.
Our
days
and
opportunities
to
live
for
the
Lord
pass
so
rapidly
that
we
cannot
afford
to
waste
any
of
them.
The
fact
that
we're
sitting
here
in
this
atrium,
we're
moving
at
1.3
million
miles
an
hour
as
our
universe
is
expanding.
According
to
scientists,
it's
a
different
shift
in
your
perception.
But
I'm
not
moving.
I'm
sitting
in
a
chair.
Why
don't
I
see
it?
Why
don't
I
feel
it?
There's
a
shift
that
happens
in
these
rooms.
God's
grace
last
only
as
long
as
ignorance.
We're
going
to
steal
some
more
ignorance
from
you
and
show
you
God's
grace.
There's
a
shift.
She
didn't
leave
you.
You
drove
her
away.
You
know
They
didn't
do
it
to
you.
You
did
it
to
yourself.
You're
in
prison
because
you're
the
jailer,
not
because
anything
they
did.
With
that,
I'm
going
to
turn
it
over
to
Mark.
I'm
Mark,
alcoholic.
I
want
to
open
with
a
little
prayer.
Oh,
that
you
would
bless
us
indeed
in
enlarge
our
territory.
That
your
hand
would
be
with
us,
That
you
would
keep
us
from
evil,
that
we
may
not
cause
pain.
I
want
to
comment
on
234
things
before
I
talk
about
sex.
This
had
to
do
with
the
the
prayer.
Well,
first
of
all,
I
want
to
talk
about
words
to
show
you
again
the
ego
at
work
and
separation.
You
know,
it's
like
that's
a
chair
there.
And
the
word
chair
does
not
conjure
up
necessarily
probably
a
lot
of
prejudice
or
whatever.
And
then
you
start
words
like,
well,
God
or
Father
or
Buddha
or
and
it's
so
I
find
it
so
fascinating
that
my
ego
will
take
something
which
is
a
word
and
based
on
a
lot
of
old
prejudice
or
a
lot
of
old
ideas.
I
hear
that
word
and
then
I
instantly
close
myself
off
like
there's
any
like
there's
anything
to
the
word
itself.
So
again,
when
it
gets
back
to
a
person
made
the
mistake
of
asking
me
the
other
day
if
I
was
a
Christian
and
I,
I
said
yes,
and
I'm
a
Buddhist
and
a
Muslim
and
Native
American
and
atheist.
And
they
said
I'm
leaving
now.
I,
you
know,
I
see
anything,
anything
that
speaks
to
me
of
separation
is
not
of
God
because
there's
nothing
but
oneness.
So
I
was
telling
a
gentleman
earlier,
most
of
the
time
people
do
not
know
where
I
live.
You
understand
what
I
just
said?
Their
little
story,
Man
in
India,
holy
man,
he's
living
with
this
woman.
And
she
was
very
difficult
to
get
along
with
all
the
time.
And
his
friends
would
come
over
and
he
would
watch
him
interact
with
this
woman
or
vice
versa.
And
she'd
leave
and
they'd
turn
to
her
and
they'd
say,
how
in
God's
name
do
you
live
with
that
woman?
And
he
looked
at
him
and
smiled
and
said,
she
doesn't
know
where
I
live.
So
to
the
experiences
that
I've
had,
I've
gotten
free
of
words
and
around
the
idea
of
God
or
creator
or
whatever
that
is,
or
many
other
things,
gender
and
race
and
everything
that
that
somehow
my
mind
along
the
way
used
to
separate
me
from
you,
which
it
was
always
at
work.
You
keep
doing
this
long
enough
and
they'll
all
drop.
They'll
just
drop
and
they'll
drop
and
they'll
drop
till
you
experience
the
essence
of
what
what
we
are,
which
which
is
love.
So
I
want,
I
want
to
go
back
to
something
to,
to
forgiveness.
And
this
idea
of
that
prayer
before
you'd
write
a
fourth
column,
but
you
know,
you,
you
write
this
inventory
column,
one
column,
two
third
column.
Then
the
book
says,
Mark,
I
want
to
talk
to
you
now
about
the
key
to
your
entire
future.
And
I
mean,
I
want
you
to
think
about
those
words,
the
key
to
your
entire
future.
And
here's
what
it
is,
Mark,
is
that
perhaps
those
people
who
wronged
you
are
spiritually
sick
now.
I
like
to
stop
there.
See,
here's
absolutely
what
I
know.
In
my
heart
of
hearts
today.
There
is
nothing
but
oneness.
There's
just
the
illusion
of
separation.
So
here's
what
I
know.
Any
human
being
quote
that
has
ever
done
anything
that
I
either
resent
or
quote
that
I
think
is
harmed
me
did
that
because
they
are
spiritually
sick,
sound
asleep,
dreaming
they're
awake,
going
through
life,
being
driven.
Now
who's
sicker?
Me
without
awareness
for
judging
them
or
them.
Any
person
that
I
have
ever
written
inventory,
any,
any
person
who
I
ever
at
one
time
had
some
perception
that
wronged
me.
I
promise
you
never
once
did
they
wake
up
and
say,
you
know,
I've
got
nothing
else
to
do
today.
I
think
I'm
going
to
take
a
course
of
action
to
hurt
Mark
that
never
happened.
And
I
never
once
in
my
life
have
ever
awakened
and
said,
you
know,
I
think
what
I'll
do
today
is
take
a
course
of
action
to
hurt
somebody.
The
extent
to
which
you
are
asleep,
IE
spiritual
sick,
is
the
extent
to
which
you
will
make
mistakes.
That
is
true
of
everything
that
shows
up
in
your
inventory.
So
the
book
is
trying
to
under
make
you
understand
something
that
in
the
book
is
free
of
judgment.
You
know,
there's
a
lot
of
things
that
happen
to
us
in
the
second
column.
We
didn't
have
any
part
in
things
that
happen
as
a
child,
et
cetera,
et
cetera,
et
cetera.
Horrible
things,
horrible
things
are
done
by
people
who
are
sound
asleep,
who
are
spiritually
sick.
And
the
books
trying
to
make
you
understand
that
Mark
for
you
to
sit
in
judgment
on
them.
You
are
sick
like
them
too.
So
it
uses
that
prayer.
God,
please
help
me
show
this
sick
person
the
same
tolerance,
pity
and
patience
I
would
cheerfully
grant
a
sick
friend.
And
you
begin
to
look
at
everybody
that
you've
ever
written
inventory
on
from
that
viewpoint.
I
don't
care
what
visual
you
use.
Take
a
friend
who
who
is
dying
of
some
disease.
I
don't
care
what
it
is.
And
let's
say
that
they
go
off
on
you,
call
your
names,
slammed
you.
I
don't
care
whatever
it
is
that
quote
you
think
has
hurt
you
and
they're
in
this
bed
and
they're
dying
from
this
horrible
disease.
Do
you
think
you
would
get
upset
with
him?
I
don't
think
so.
You
would
have
compassion
and
love
and
understanding
and
you
would
say
to
yourself,
that's
happening
because
they're
so
physically
ill.
Well,
guess
what
our
big
book
is
trying
to
do
is
trying
to
say
the
very,
very
same
thing
is
trying
to
say,
Mark,
this
person
did
that
because
they're
spiritually
sick.
Mark,
there
are
what?
They're
asleep
and
so
it
gives
us
that
beautiful
prayer
to
work
with
that
right.
And
it
talks
about
Mark,
avoid
retaliation
and
anger.
And
then
the
book
goes
on
to
say
something
else.
It
says
that
I
can
be
kind
and
loving
toward
anyone.
I
can
be
helpful
at
anyone.
And
then
it
shifts
you
into
why
don't
you
just
take
a
look
at
your
4th
column?
Where
are
you
selfish,
self
seeking,
dishonest
and
or
afraid?
You
know
you,
you
pick
up
the
paper,
you
have
your
own
life
to
look
at.
And
there's
great
sadness
and
compassion
to
my
heart
at
times
for
people
who
are
sick.
Just
like
I
have
to
have
compassion
for
myself
for
the
times
I
have
been
absolutely
sound
asleep,
took
a
course
of
action
that
produced
harm
in
another
human
being.
You
see
for
which
is
why
it's
so
easy
for
me
to
operate
with
forgiveness.
The
extent
to
which
you
are
having
a
difficult
time
forgiving
is
the
extent
to
which
you
are
still
asleep.
There's
another
book
God
Calling.
I
like
what
it
says
better
about
forgiveness.
It
says
that
what
really
has
to
happen
is
that
part
of
South
that
felt
wrong
to
begin
with
must
die.
Then
there's
nothing
to
forgive.
You
understand
that
that
part
of
that
part
of
you
that
feels
it
was
wrong
actually
needs
to
die,
and
that
can
happen
the
processes
of
inventory,
and
therefore
there's
nothing
to
forgive.
So
you
might
consider
some
of
that
relative
to
relative
to
to
people
that
you
still
have
some
hardness
in
your
heart.
You
might
you
might
extend
to
them
the
fact
that
they're
spiritually
sick.
You
know,
if
you
had
a
for
years,
I
had
this
inventory
around
my
mother
and
father
and
I
considered
a
day
and
tell
you
that
their
pictures
are
are
on
the
are
on
the
altar.
I
have
an
altar
at
home
and
that
I
thank
God
every
day
for
my
mother
and
father
and
I
know
beyond
a
shadow
of
a
doubt
they
gave
me
their
best
shot
based
on
how
awake
they
were
and
I
am
so
grateful
that
they
were
the
ones
that
I
had
that
I
had
no
others.
Now,
that
is
not
where
it
started
when
I
begin
writing
inventory.
There's
so
much
love
in
my
heart
for
those
people,
see,
just
as
there's
love
for
myself,
for
all
the
mistakes
that
I
made.
When
I'm
sound
asleep,
dreaming,
I'm
awake
going
through
life
driven.
See,
God
has
to
be
the
creator.
The
Goddess
I'm
going
to
try
and
appease,
you
know,
would
have
to
be,
based
on
my
experience,
nothing
but
love
or
mercy.
What
kind
of
a
God
would
punish
people
who
are
sound
asleep,
dream
in
their
wake
making
mistakes?
So
those
of
you
that
are
continually
beating
yourself
up
over
and
over
again
for
things
that
you
have
done
when
you
are
asleep
need
to
get
over
it.
Remorse
is
spiritual
pride.
Let
it
go.
Get
present
with
your
life
right
now.
Let
it
go.
If
you
knew
better,
you'd
have
done
better.
Let
it
go.
Let
them
go.
Get
present
now.
The
the
reality
of
your
life
is
one
thing
I
want
to
talk
about.
Here's
another.
A
couple
people,
several
people
have
asked
me
about
meditation
and
I'm
going
to
talk
more
about
that.
I
am
going
to
tell
you
around
meditation
that
discipline
is
horse.
I
ride
and
I
just
want
to
say
this
so
I
don't
forget
it.
This
is
ties
back
to
you
and
I
drank
for
the
effect
produced
by
alcohol
non
the
last
year
I
had
a
realization
come
at
everything
in
my
life
and
I
expect
the
effect
produced
by
alcohol,
which
is
instantaneous
to
manifest
in
every
area
of
my
life
and
when
it
doesn't,
I'm
angry
or
and
I
give
it
up,
which
is
why
we're
sprinters.
I'm
going
to
meditate
3
days
and
I'm
not
enlightened
so
I
quit.
You
know,
I'm
going
to
work
the
work
the
steps
one
time,
but
I'm
not
free
of
resentment.
So
AA
must
not
work.
See,
I'm
going
to
get
in
this
relationship
and
and
after
two
weeks
I
have
a
fight.
Well,
I'm
going
to
leave.
It's
just
there's
some
I
did
not
realize
that
I
took
the
effect
I
go
to
work
for
a
company
I'm
not
CEO
in
a
week.
The
effect
produced
by
alcohol,
which
is
instantaneous
when
you
the
more
self-centered
you
are,
the
more
you
take
that
effect
into
every
single
area
of
your
life.
See
if
you
here's
the
deal.
If
you
want
what
I
have,
go
as
long
as
I
have
without
drinking
and
do
what
I
Isn't
there
an
easier
way?
I
don't
want
to
do
what
he
does.
You
kidding
me?
See,
we're
sprinters.
100
yard
dash
for
10
yards,
baby.
I'll
give
you
all
I
got.
See,
Nick
can't.
Can't
finish
anything,
you
know,
and
wanting
this
instantaneous
you
know,
we
joined
the
gym.
We
go
2
weeks
and
not
carved
out
don't
look
like
Arnolds
equipped,
you
know,
and
and
that's
how
we
are.
I
I
don't
know
how
we
got
that
way,
but
but
but
we're
that
way.
So
I
the
key
is
to
do
it.
There
are,
there
are
some
of
the
doctrines
of
Taoism
which
are
really,
really
love
because
one
of
them
that
they
say
that
that
I
relate
to
is
it
says
we
don't
care
what
your
spiritual
practice
is,
do
it.
If
you
did
it
today,
you
won
and
if
you
didn't,
you
lost.
I
can
work
with
that.
I'm
a
simple
guy,
right?
So
if
I
did
the
disciplines
of
10/11/12
today
I
won.
If
I
didn't,
I
lost.
It's
that
simple,
right?
They
also
have
very
profound
stuff
they
that
says
stuff
like
this.
It
says
the
instance
of
spirituality
is
not
in
profound
awakenings.
Here's
the
essence
of
spirituality.
You
get
up,
you
use
the
bathroom,
you
urinate,
do
anything
else,
you
eat,
you
go
to
work,
you
do
whatever
you
do
the
day
you
go
to
bed
at
night.
That
spirituality.
Wow,
I
can,
I
can
look
on
to
that.
See,
we're,
we're
Big
Bang
Theory
people.
You
know,
it's
like
you,
I
got
to
go
to
this
retreat
and
this
place
and
no,
no,
no,
God
is
to
be
experienced
in
the
moment.
See
where,
where
do
you
not
experience
God?
And
it
shifts
you
out
of
this.
Got
to
go
to
some
special
place
and
some
special
teacher
and,
and
you
know
that,
that,
that
kind
of
a
stuff.
But
I
I'm
going
to
talk
more
about
discipline
because
discipline
is
the
horse
that
I
ride.
I've
done
it
today,
so
I've
won.
If
I
didn't,
I
lost.
It's
that
simple.
But
day
in,
day
out,
over
and
over
and
over,
then
you
begin
to
to
have
that
experience,
if
you
will.
So
now
let's
talk
about
sex.
You'll
notice
the
two
out
of
the
three
theater
lies
happen
to
do
with
this
matter.
I
shared
with
you
some
some
pals
of
mine
who
who
I
love
dearly
back
drinking
this
year.
These
were
some
men
who
have
done
this
work.
Umm,
behind
relationships,
right?
And
this
is
this
is
what
we're
going
to
talk
about
on
page
68,
The
Big
Book.
I'd
like
to
review
a
few
things.
Says
it
now
about
sex.
Says
many
of
us
need
an
overhauling
there.
I
want
to
be
clear
to
make
sure
everyone
understands
the
difference
between
a
tune
up
and
an
overhauling.
She
saw
it
in
an
overhauling.
We're
going
to
take
everything
apart.
We're
going
to
lay
it
all
out
and
we're
going
to
replace
some
stuff,
clean
up
some
stuff
and
then
put
it
back
together
again.
That
is
a
a
whole
different
process
than
going
into
quickie
Lube
for
an
oil
change,
OK.
But
it
says
that
many
of
us
need
an
overhauling
there.
I've
never
met
an
alcoholic
that
did
not
need
an
overhauling
in
this
particular
area.
And
they
they
talk
about
the
idea
of
trying
to
be
a
sensible
to
getting
off
the
track.
The
idea
of
human
opinions
are
going
to
take
us
to
to
the
extremes
two
sets
of
voices,
both
of
which
are
in
our
mind.
Sex
is
a
less
of
a
lower
nature
based
necessity
procreation
voices
who
cry
for
sex
and
more
sex
bewailing
institution
of
marriage
think
the
troubles
of
the
race
are
traceable
to
sex
causes.
Well,
at
one
school
says
I
don't
have
enough
of
it
or
hitting
the
right
kind.
I
see
its
significance
everywhere.
One
school
allows
man
no
flavor
for
his
fair
and
the
other
has
its
own
A
straight
pepper
diet
says
we
want
to
stay
out
of
this
controversy.
We
do
not
to
be
the
arbiter
of
anyone
sex
conduct.
Arbiter
is
a
judge
of
so
to
speak,
and
I
am
not
the
arbiter
of
anyone
sex
conduct.
Now
for
those
of
you
who
are
enlightened,
this
next
sentence
may
not
apply.
It
says
we
all
have
sex
problems,
that
that
means
all
of
us
in
this
room,
we
all
have
sex
problems.
See,
if
you
can't
experience
and
demonstrate
that
love
that
Dave
has
been
talking
about,
you're
going
to
have
sex
problems
because
your
motives
are
going
to
be
selfish.
So
it
says
in
here
that
we
all
have
sex
problems.
We'd
be
hardly
human
if
we
didn't.
So
what
we
do
about
these
problems?
And
now
I
begin
to
get
instructions
for
this
inventory
I'm
going
to
write,
and
I
like
to
make
a
list.
It
says.
Again,
I
reviewed
my
own
conduct
over
the
years
past
and
then
there's
some
questions
that
I'm
going
to
ask
in
relationship
to
this
conduct.
Where
are
my
selfish,
dishonest,
or
inconsiderate?
Who
did
I
hurt
and
justify
be
aroused?
Jealousy,
suspicion,
or
bitterness?
Where
am
I
at
fault?
What
should
I
have
done
instead?
I'm
going
to
get
this
all
down
on
paper.
I'm
going
to
look
at
it
and
then
out
of
that
I'm
going
to
try
and
shape
a
seined.
Or
is
that
word
seine
again?
Seine
means
soundness
of
mind
and
a
sound
ideal
for
my
future
sex
life
where
you
could
say
future
relationship
and
I'm
going
to
subject
each
relations
to
this
test
selfish
or
is
it
not
selfish.
Then
you
get
some
prayers
about
this
scene
and
sound
idea.
You're
going
to
ask
God
to
mold
your
ideals
and
help
you
live
up
to
them.
You're
going
to
remember
always
sex
powers
God-given
and
good
neither
to
be
used
lightly
herself
as
he
nor
to
be
despised
and
load.
I'm
just
going
to
share
some
of
my
experiences
in
this
this
area.
I
want
to
talk
a
little
bit
about
my
most
current
experience
with
this.
I've
written
a
lot
of
inventories
in
this
area
because
I
needed
an
overhauling
there.
You
know,
I
can
only
speak
for
myself,
but
male
growing
up
in,
in
our
society
and
culture,
you're
not
given
a
whole
lot
of
instructions
or
whatever.
And
you
begin
to
get
a
lot
of
real
insane
belief
systems,
either
by
watching
parents
or
television
or
every
other
mode
of
communication
out
there.
And
out
of
that,
you
begin
to
develop
some
sex
ideals
and
some
sexual
belief
systems
and
you
begin
to
develop
deep
seated
belief
systems
around
women
and
and
then
around
men.
And
then
the
end
result
of
there
is
so
much
power
associated
with
your
sexual
energy
that
it
at
times
will
drive
you
and
have
you
compromise
your
moral
and
philosophical
convictions
beyond
anything
that
you
ever
could
have
imagined.
That's
my
experience
and
the
experience
of
every
alcoholic
I
personally
have
ever
worked
with.
So
that's
the
reason
why
you
want
to
sit
down
and
you
want
to
take
a
hard,
hard
look
at
this.
And
I
like
to
think
of
more
of
it
of,
of,
of
my
sexual
energy
would
be
a
way
to
say
that.
And
how
is
that
manifested
in
my
life?
And
how
do
I
want
that
to,
to
look
today?
And
so
this
inventory
is
once
again
another
manifestation
of
selfishness.
And
once
again,
they
ask
us
to
write
a
list
and
then
they
ask
us
to
answer
some
questions
and
to
write
out
some
stuff
and
then
out
of
that
to
develop
A
and
a
sound
ideal.
And
I
want
to
share
with
you
a
little
bit
of
my
current
experience
with
this.
I've
been
single
for
quite
a
few
years.
And
so
Dave
and
I
sat
down
and,
and,
and
we
got
into
this
area
and
for
whatever
reason,
I
really
went
back
and
I
really
took
a
look
at
history
in,
in
my
history
in
this
area.
And
I
just,
I
felt
very
compelled.
And,
and
then
we
begin
to
go
through
this
thing,
this
fifth
step
experience
that
I,
that
I
had
with
him
in
this
area.
And
this
is
about
see,
when
I
go
through
the
steps
and
I
write
inventory
again,
I'm
going
to
say
this,
I
go
into
the
4th
step
with
these
belief
systems
intact
and
that
I
am
not
quite
sure
about.
So
here's
these
belief
systems
that
I
have
in
tech
as
I
go
into
this
inventory
is
well,
I've
been
single
a
long
time,
probably
going
to
go
to
my
grave
that
way.
And
that's
the
way
it
is.
And
you
know,
it's
okay.
And
you
know,
and,
and
kind
of
that's
kind
of
how
it
was.
So
we,
we
get
done
with
this
thing.
And
so
he
looks
at
me
and
he
gives
me
some
considerations.
And
one
of
the
things
he
gave
me
as
a
consideration
is
he
said,
he
said,
I
want
you
to
consider
that
I,
that
I
have
a
sense
that
that
there
is
a
very
deep
intimate
relationship
that
will
be
available
to
you
that
I
think
God
has
in
store
for
you
and
that
that's
going
to
be
an
essential
part
of
your
sense
of
wholeness
and
healing
and
completeness.
And
so
when
someone
gives
me
considerations,
then
I
sit
with
that.
I
don't
respond
to
that,
right.
So
let
me
Fast
forward
a
little
bit
to
as
I
sit
here
today
and
tell
you
what's
happened
in
that
area.
I
had
written
a
sane
and
sound
ideal.
And
what
I
want
to
tell
you
is,
is
I
I
met
a
woman
who
who
so
far
transcends
my
sane
and
sound
ideal
and
experience
that
I'm
having
right
now
is
not
of
me.
And
those
belief
systems
that
I
had
a
little
over
a
month
ago
have
been
totally
stripped
away.
And
now
I'm
getting
to
look
at
a
whole
new
set
of
things
that
that,
that
I'm
either
going
to
trust
God
and
move
forward
on
or
I'm
going
to
turn
back
and
rely
on
self.
And
it's,
it's
just
amazing
to
me.
I,
I
was
talking
with
Dave
because
it's
so
fabulous
when
you
do
a
fifth
step
with
someone
because
he
sat
with
me
when
I'm
in
this
place
in
this
state
of
consciousness.
And
then
I
said
Alham
last
night
and
I
said,
let
me
tell
you
what's
happened
in
the
last
month
or
so.
All
right.
And
it's
a
it's
absolutely
incredible.
This
stuff
is
so
transforming
for
you
and
in
my
experience
is
is
the
creator
has
a
plan,
has
a
plan
for
us
in
this
area.
I
do
know
I
think
one
of
the
greatest
things
has
come
out
of
my
work
in
this
area
that
has
to
do
with
with
men
and
women
both.
Because
to
me,
this
inventory
is
about
a
lot
more
than
relationships
with
the
opposite
sex.
Is
my
capacity
to
love
you
just
as
you
are
and
not
needing
anything
to
change?
See
if
there's
anyone
in
your
life
in
which
you
need
something
within
them
to
change.
That's
about
you
and
not
them.
So
make
a
simple
decision.
Either
stay
with
it,
be
comfortable
with
it,
or
don't
you
follow
me.
Most
people
that
I
know,
who
they
are
is
who
they
are
and
what
you
see
is
what
you
get.
But
I've
learned
today
to
to
love
people
is
exactly
as
they
are
and
I
don't
need
them
to
change.
And
here's
why.
I
don't
need
anything
from
them
there
to
have
someone
change.
The
greater
your
need,
you
follow
me
when
you
you
can
get
taken
to
a
place.
I'll
say
it
again.
The
greater
your
desire
to
have
someone
in
your
life,
a
significant
other
change,
the
greater
that
desire
is,
the
deeper
your
selfishness
is
embedded,
if
you
will.
Do
you
understand?
Because
here's
what
I
mean.
What
is
the
reason
you
want
them
to
change?
To
satisfy
self
right?
Was
talking
with
with
my
pal
Chris
earlier
and
for
me
and
there's
been
this
has
happened
a
couple
of
times
of
sitting
here
and
looking
at
a
woman
in
my
life
and
getting
very
clear
on
who
this
woman
is
and
asking
myself
this
question.
Do
you
want
to
grow
old
with
that
person?
Not
a
judgmental
question,
a
simple
question.
The
answer
is
no,
then
move
on.
No
judgment,
no
nothing.
You
understand
what
I'm
saying?
Don't
need
them
to
change
a
single
bit
because
they
may
not
get
to
make
a
decision
then
around
that
area,
but
nothing
had
to
change
there.
Perceptions,
those
kinds
of
things.
So
profound
stuff
can
happen
if
you
go
through
and
work
with
this.
I
I'm
always
amazed
we
so
seldom
talk
about
this
in
our
rooms,
yet
any
of
you
have
sponsored
or
anyone
knows
that
it's
at
the
heart
of
most
dialogues
that
you
ever
have
with
anyone
that
you
work
with.
And
my
the
women
and
friends,
I
have
an
A
tell
me
the
same
thing
with
the
ladies
that
they
sponsor,
yet
we
don't
talk
about
this
much
in
the
rooms
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Lot
of
people
drink
behind
relationships.
There's
a
lot
of
pain
behind
relationships.
One
of
the
things
I
didn't
know
was
if
you
can't
live
without
him,
you
can't
live
with
him.
And
when
you
can
live
without
him,
it's
OK
to
live
with
him.
For
people
like
us,
you
can't
ever
put
the
cart
in
front
of
the
horse.
See,
when
you
can
get
taken
to
a
place
that
you
can
live
without
a
woman
and
be
at
peace,
probably
that
part
point
in
time,
you
can
live
with
a
woman
and
be
at
peace.
See,
I
think
that's
why
it
uses
the
word
driven,
driven,
driven,
that
kind
of
stuff.
So
that's
some
of
my,
some
of
my
experiences
with
this
area.
This
inventory
can
have
a
profound
impact
on
your
life.
You
can
come
out
of
it
with
a
sane
and
sound
ideal,
an
idea
of
what
you're
going
to
take
into
the
relationship.
This
is
an
area
that
the
book
warns
you
that
if
you're
selfish
actions
continue,
you're
quite
sure
to
drink.
It's
very,
very
clear
that
this
is
an
area
that
you
can
drink
alcohol
behind.
So
it's
an
area
worth
taking
a
a
hard,
hard
look
at.
So
that's
all
I
got
for
now,
Dave.
What
Mark
just
shared
with
you
was
extremely
toned
down
compared
to
what
happened
in
that
first
step.
Because
we're
talking
and
he's
looking
at
me
and
he
says,
hell,
I've
been
married
four
times,
Meriden
divorced
four
times.
I'll
never
be
in.
I
heard
the
word
never,
man,
When
I
hear
the
word
never,
here
we
come,
the
bullseye.
The
beauty
of
this
fist
step
that
we
shared
was
the
areas
that
I've
spent
at
least
15
years
a
hard
intensive
labor
working
on
are
the
areas
that
Mark
has
been
having
just
these
awakenings
and
he's
having
hard,
hard
time
with
and
vice
versa.
The
areas
that
I'm
having
a
hard
time
with,
he's
got
a
lot
of
experience
in.
You
know,
don't
write
one
of
these
inventories
and
then
go
fist
step
it
with
somebody
that
has
absolutely
no
idea
what
the
hell
it
is
that
you're
talking
about
because
their
ego
will
talk
you
out.
Oh,
you
don't
need
to
make
them.
That
was
justified.
Don't
worry
about
that.
Oh,
yeah,
I
had
that.
You
know,
they
were
wrong.
That
kind
of
deal,
go
to
where
you
need
to
go.
If
you
see
somebody
that's
got
something
you
want
and
it's
on
your
inventory
and
you're
having
a
hard
time
with
it,
go
to
them.
I've
been
to
war.
I've
never
been
in
Vietnam.
I
can't
say
that
I
have
that
experience.
Somebody
comes
to
me
and
it's
all
wrapped
around
the
axle
about
a
Vietnam
story.
I
can
share
with
them
my
experience
about
going
to
war,
but
I'm
going
to
hand
them
off
to
him
because
I
know
he
was
in
Vietnam
and
he
wasn't
in
the
Gulf
War,
so
he
doesn't
have
any
experience
on
that.
Go
to
where
the
experience
is.
You
know,
I've
worked
with
literally
dozens
and
dozens
and
dozens
of
men
who
have
molestation
in
their
past.
I
was
never
molested.
I
will
hear
that.
We
will
talk
about
it.
I'll
help
them
as
far
as
I
can
go.
But
it
gets
to
a
certain
point.
I've
got
no
more
experience
with
that.
But
I
got
dozens
of
resources
to
hand
them
off
to
go
talk
to
him.
He
can
help
you
with
that.
I
had
a
woman
come
to
me
recently
and,
and
she
had
this
information,
as
you
heard
me
share,
I
couldn't
hear
her
fist
step.
And
she's
got
these
huge
sexual
issues
coming
out
of,
of
behavior
in
the
rooms.
And
it's,
it's
repeated
in
the
past
in
the
rooms
of
AA
and
she's
at
a
crisis
point
in
her
life.
And
she's
like,
what
do
I
do?
And
I
said,
you
know,
I
can't
help
you
there.
I
can
steer
you
to
a
woman
who
I
know
has
got
similar
issues,
you
know,
And
then
I
called
up
Mark
and
I
said,
Hey,
I
got
this
woman.
Do
you
know
anybody,
any
woman
that's
got
these
specific
issues?
And
he
said,
yeah,
here's
a
phone
number.
I
cleared
it
first.
I
said,
Are
you
sure?
I
got
spiritual
license
that
I
can
call
you
no
problem.
She's
so
I
called
her
up
and
I
checked
it
out
with
her
and
said,
Hey,
I
got
the
who's,
this
is
who
I
am,
this
what
I
got.
Would
you
be
willing
to
accept
a
phone
call?
And
then
I
put
the
two
together,
you
know,
so
they
can
talk
and
clear
this
stuff
up.
I
have
resources
today
only
because
I've
been
around
a
while.
You
need
those
resources
in
your
quiver,
you
know,
if
you're
going
to
be
able
to
deal
with
this
stuff.
Me
personally,
the
sex
ideal
and
sex
inventory
work
profound
changes
in
my
life.
I
was
scared
to
death
of
Catholicism,
yet
the
1st,
5th
step
I
did
happened
to
be
with
a
Catholic.
I
didn't
know
he
was
a
Catholic
priest.
He
was
an
old
guy
at
an
AA
meeting
and
he
had
a
wonderful
spirituality.
And
I
said,
hey,
can
I
read
a
fifth
step?
And
he
said,
yeah,
I
live
right
next
to
the
church
in
town.
I
showed
up
and
he's
wearing
a
collar.
And
I'm
like,
I
start
laughing.
Where
you
going,
Leo?
You
going
to
a
costume
party?
That's
how
thick
I
was,
right?
But
when
the
time
came
and
I
needed
help
and
I
was
in
a
relationship
and
my
parents
had
abandoned
me
and
they
said,
you
know,
if
you
marry
her,
you're
cut
out
of
the
will,
you
know,
and
and
they
did
all
this
stuff,
which
is
all
drama.
But
at
the
time
I
needed
help
and
I
needed
to
decide,
am
I
going
to
be
in
this
relationship?
And
I
don't
know
where
to
go.
And
I
went
to
Leo
and
my
wife,
current
relationship,
right?
We
survived.
We
went
to
this
priest
and
we
counseled
with
the
priest.
And
then
my
ego's
telling
me,
what
is
this
man
going
to
tell
me
about
how
to
have
a
relationship?
He's
single.
He
has
no
idea.
He
gave
me
one
instruction
which
Mark
already
talked
about.
He
said,
Dave,
I
can't
help
you
if
you're
expecting
something
to
change.
Can
you
accept
her,
the
good
and
the
bad
as
if
she
never
changes
from
right
this
point.
If
you
can
do
that,
we
can
work.
If
you
can't
do
that,
walk
away.
And
I
had
to
sit
with
that
for
like
3
weeks.
Could
I
take
her
the
good
and
the
I
wanted
the
good,
but
man,
I
didn't
want
the
bad.
You
know,
an
expectation
is
a
reservation
for
a
resentment.
If
you
got
an
expectation,
guess
what?
If
your
play
doesn't
come
off
well,
you're
going
to
have
some
theater
to
lie
going
on.
It's
going
to
happen.
The
sexual
arena
when
you're
doing
the
sex
inventory
is
to
look
for
themes.
You
don't
have
to
go
out
and
hear
this
again.
You
do
not
have
to
go
out
and
have
another
bad
relationship
in
AA.
It
is
not
a
prerequisite.
Everybody
in
this
room
right
now
has
had
enough
experience
that
you
don't
have
to
go
have
another
bad
experience
to
test
it
out.
Learn
from
the
experience
you've
already
got.
That's
the
purpose
of
the
sex
inventory.
We're
going
back
and
looking
for
themes.
One
of
the
things
that
I
always
say,
and
it's
not
out
of
the
big
book,
it's
above
and
beyond
that,
is
how
did
you
meet?
When
I
started
doing
that,
I
found
out
that
every
woman
that
I
was
ever
involved
with,
it
was
love
at
first
sight.
I
saw
him
across
a
crowded
room.
I
knew
that
she
was
the
one
for
me.
I
pursued
her
to
the
gates
of
insanity
and
death
and
all
I
was
interested
in
was
one
thing.
Get
in
her
pants
as
fast
as
I
can
and
then
get
the
hell
away
from
her.
That's
what
I
was
about.
And
when
I
was
drinking,
I
was
a
whore,
no
bones
about
it.
That's
what
I
did.
One
thing,
one
thing.
I
was
trying
to
put
the
pain
out
that
was
inside
me
with,
with
with
sex.
It
wasn't
working
with
the
men
I
work
with.
If
our
egos
are
big
enough
that
we're
not
going
to
drink
again,
what
are
we
going
to
do?
We're
going
to
act.
I
call
it
the
hairy
eyeball.
We're
going
to
get
the
hairy
eyeball.
We're
going
to
get
on
the
Internet.
All
right,
Start
doing
the
Internet
deal.
We're
going
to
start
mentally
undressing
everybody
we
see
and
started
having
these
mental
disease.
You
know,
of
course,
we're
not
going
to
get
rid
of
the
relationship
we
got
because
that
every
once
in
a
while
we
do
get
some
over
there,
but
you
know,
we're
going
to
take
it
out
to
the
NTH
degree.
All
right?
If
that
doesn't
work,
guess
what
else
we're
going
to
do?
If
we
can't
access
sex
and
use
sex
as
a
way
to
sex
is
just
like
drinking.
We
pursue
it,
we
think
about
it,
we
obsess
it,
we
go
for
it.
Once
we
got
it,
we
get
a
high
out
of
it
and
guess
what
happens
when
we're
done?
If
it's
not
honest,
we
feel
guilt,
shame
and
remorse.
What's
the
difference
between
that
and
drinking
nothing
and
the
next
time
it
comes
around,
guess
what
delusion
this
time
is
going
to
be
different.
So
we
pursue
it
again
in
the
exact
same
result
happens
we
put
ourselves
back
on
the
stove
yet
again.
All
right
going
through
the
inventory
process
we're
looking
at
what
have
we
done
have
we
unnecessarily
aroused
jealousy
and
and
these
sort
of
things.
One
of
the
things
that
hit
me
very
profoundly
in
relationships
is
we
don't
just
arouse
jealousy
as
sexual
jealousy.
In
an
intimate
relationship,
we
have
these
little
competitions
and
it's
always
trying
to
one
up
each
other.
Guess
what
that
means?
There's
if
there's
a
winner,
there's
a
loser.
You're
arousing
a
jealousy
and
you're
underlying.
Your
ego
is
starting
to
underline,
undermine
your
relationship.
You're
creating
a
harm.
I
didn't
know
that
until
I
was
maybe
15
years
sober.
I
was
always
having
these
little
competitions,
you
know,
sick
behavior.
I
was
blind
to
it.
Now
I
can't
do
that
stuff,
even
by
accident
without
it
causing
excruciating
pain.
The
longer
you're
sober,
the
narrower
the
road
is
going
to
get.
I
used
to
be
out
of
whack
for
for
weeks,
months
at
a
time,
and
that
was
OK
because
I
had
12
steps
and
I
knew
I'd
get
to
eventually.
And
then
the
road
got
narrower
and
narrower
and
narrower.
If
I'm
out
of
whack
now
for
a
couple
of
hours,
I'm
in
absolute
excruciating
misery.
Because
why?
God's
grace
lasts
only
as
long
as
ignorance.
So
you
go
through
the
instructions,
you
write
out
the
answers
to
the
9
questions.
All
right,
if
there
was
something,
one
of
the
things
I'd
like
to
ask
is
also
not
out
of
the
big
book.
Tell
me
some
of
the
good
things
about
your
relationship.
Oh,
we
had
something
in
common.
It
was
a
good
thing
that
transfers
straight
across
to
a
sex
ideal.
If
it
was
something
good
about
a
past
relationship,
it
would
be
good
in
a
next
relationship,
right?
Logical.
If
having
sex
on
the
first
date
always
ended
in
disaster.
Reverse
that
and
it
transfers
straight
across
to
your
sex
ideal.
Someone
with
whom
I
won't
have
sex
on
the
first
date
with.
And
we
can
build
from
our
own
past
experience
a
way
of
behavior,
but
that's
still
selfish.
This
is
what
I
want
out
of
a
relationship.
I
want
this,
I
want
this,
I
want
this.
I
want
this
self,
self,
self,
self,
self.
Your
sex
ideal
isn't
just
what
you
want,
it's
what
you're
willing
to
bring
to
the
relationship.
If
you
want
fidelity,
then
you
have
to
bring
fidelity,
right?
If
you
want
somebody
that's
spiritual,
guess
what?
You
got
to
bring
spiritual.
If
you
want
somebody
that's
athletic,
guess
what?
You
got
to
bring
athletic
to
the
relationship.
If
you
want
somebody
that's
kind
and
caring,
compassionate,
guess
what?
You've
got
to
bring
kind,
caring
and
compassion
because
why?
What
are
they?
They're
a
mirror.
The
thing
in
the
relationship
that
immediately
attracts
you
to
your
soul
mate
that
you
say
that's
the
one
I
want.
And
they
look
back
at
you
and
they
say
that's
the
one
I
want.
What
are
you
looking
at?
Each
other
in
each
other's
mirrors.
There's
a
hole
in
your
soul
and
that's
what
you
see
in
their
soul.
The
peace
that's
missing,
where
a
jigsaw
puzzle
in
the
very
centerpiece
is
falling
out.
It's
rattling
around
inside
of
us,
but
it's
missing.
And
we
see
the
person
and
we
say
that's
the
person
for
me
because
their
piece
is
going
to
fit
my
home.
You
think?
And
you
go,
no
pun
intended,
right?
So
you
run
out
and
you
grab
this
relationship
and
you
plug
their
jigsaw
piece
puzzle
right
into
this
interview.
But
you
know
what?
It's
not
quite
a
perfect
fit.
Almost,
but
not
quite.
And
over
time
it
starts
to
rattle
and
it
starts
to
get
worn
and
next
thing
you
know,
it
falls
out
and
you
want
to
cast
them
aside.
What
was
beautiful
about
them
that
attracted
to
you
was
you
were
looking
at
something
that
was
missing
in
you.
If
you
can
find
what
was
missing
in
you
because
it's
in
you,
then
you
both
can
be
whole.
And
then
you're
90,
you're
100%
perfect.
That
one
percent,
99%,
you're
perfect
at
1%
that
was
missing
is
in
you.
All
you
have
to
do
is
find
it.
That
piece
is
rattling
around
you.
Find
it,
plug
it
into
your
soul,
heal
yourself,
and
then
you
can
have
the
perfect
relationship
with
the
other
person.
Do
they
have
to
change?
Not
in
the
slightest.
The
only
person
has
to
change
is
you.
Vision.
I'm
real
big
on
vision.
Get
some
vision.
What
is
it
that
you
want?
What
are
you
willing?
And
then
get
up
and
be
that.
What
does
God
want
me
to
be?
When
we
start
talking
about
10
and
11,
you'll
hear
me
talk
more
about
that.
Consider
your
plans
for
the
day.
What
are
your
plans
for
the
day?
Clean
up
the
mess
from
yesterday.
But
what
else?
I
want
to
be
a
better
father.
So
I
ask
myself
something
very
specific.
How
can
I
be
a
better
father
today?
What
can
I
do
right
now,
today?
Put
it
on
my
list.
There's
one
thing
I've
succeeded
at.
I'm
going
to
do
this
today
to
be
a
better
father.
How
can
I
be
a
better
husband?
I'm
going
to
do
this.
How
can
I
be
a
better
employee?
Boom,
right
down
the
line.
All
right?
That's
the
purpose
of
a
sex
ideal.
Most
people
have
never
seen
one.
They
don't
know
how
to
write
one.
There's
one
in
the
guide.
It's
one
mine
from
an
old
inventory.
It's
on
page
14.
All
right,
That
was
what
I
came
up
with.
It
has
changed
since
then.
I
wrote
that
sex
ideal
after
years
of
being
in
a
relationship,
a
monogamous
married
relationship.
I'm
thinking,
why
should
I
write
a
sex
ideal?
Once
again,
my
ego
taken
over.
I
know
that
answer
to
that.
I've
already
been
down
this
path.
Why
should
I
write
it?
And
I
wrote
this.
It
blew
me
away
and
I
held
on
to
it.
I
shared
it,
my
fist
step,
and
I
held
on
to
it
and
then
I
couldn't
take
it
anymore.
Why
wouldn't
I
share
that
with
my
wife?
Why
wouldn't
I
let
the
wall
down,
let
her
see
me?
And
I
went
to
her
and
I
said,
hey,
by
the
way,
I
wrote
a
new
ideal.
And
here
it
is.
You
know,
she
was
blown
away
by
what
I
was
on
my
ideal,
you
know,
And
so
why
wouldn't
I
share
it
with
you?
Who
care?
Who
do
I
care
knows
what's
on
my
ideal
if
I
can
try
to
live
to
it.
I
now
have
a
goal.
I
have
a
vision
of
where
I
want
to
be
and
what
I
want
to
bring.
It's
something
to
challenge
me.
It's
this
and
and
this
area
will
yield
benefits
better
than
you
could
ever
imagine.
If
you
start
out
with
a
spiritual
process
with
an
answer,
guess
what
you're
going
to
figure
out
through
the
whole
process.
You
end
up
with
the
answer
you
started
with.
Start
out
with
a
question.
What
does
God
want
me
to
be
in
a
relationship?
I
just
recently
started
to
do
this
myself
and
I've
been
asking
the
guys
I
work
with.
The
sex
ideal
is
such
a
cool
thing.
It's
really
helped
me
dramatically
in
my
sex
relationship.
Let's
write
a
work
ideal.
What
do
I
want
out
of
work?
Why
not
not
only
just
what
I
want
out
of
work?
What
am
I
willing
to
bring
to
work?
So
I
wrote
out
a
work
ideal,
I
wrote
out
a
program
ideal,
I
wrote
out
a
sponsorship
ideal.
What
do
I
want
for
my
sponsor
and
what
am
I
willing
to
bring
to
my
sponsor?
I've
now
because
I'm
looking
for
vision
in
my
life.
How
can
I
get
more
vision
of
where
do
I
want
to
end
up?
Powerful
stuff,
really
important
stuff.
The
way
to
get
there
to
any,
any
goal.
You
can't
start
any
journey
unless
you
know
where
you
are,
where
the
starting
point
is.
You
got
to
write
the
inventories
to
know
this
is
where
I
am.
Then
you
need
a
goal,
a
vision
for
where
you're
headed
to
before
you
can
figure
out
a
path
on
how
to
get
there,
right?
So
acceptance,
action,
result,
right?
The
acceptance
is
right
out
the
ideal
or
the
inventory.
This
is
who
and
what
I
have
become.
It's
not
me
anymore.
I
am
not
that
person
anymore
today.
This
is
who
I
am.
Where
do
I
want
to
go?
Right
out
the
sex
ideal.
Ask
God
to
help
you
get
there
and
you'll
make
it.
It's
a
wonderful
deal,
but
it
takes
constant
repetition.
What
we
do
repeatedly
we
become.
What
we
think
repeatedly
we
become,
We
are.
That
is,
it
becomes
us.
We
manifest
that
in
our
lives.
A
A
Comes
of
Age
page
#250
says
a
single
act
of
surrender
can
produce
sobriety
by
its
stopping
effect
upon
the
ego.
Unfortunately,
that
ego
will
return
unless
the
individual
learns
to
accept
a
disciplined
way
of
life.
Notice
it's
a
way
of
life.
It
has
to
become
you.
It
has
to
be
a
fabric
of
you.
It
can't.
You
cannot
remove
the
program
from
me
or
me
from
the
program.
It
is
my
life.
It
is
part
of
what
I
am
in
this
physical
shell.
Underneath
is
the
is
the
kernel,
the
true
essence
of
what
I
really
am.
But
in
this
physical
plane,
it's
become
so
connected
to
how
I
live
life.
In
this
physical
plane,
there's
no
separation.
It's
a
way
of
living,
right?
So
we
have
to
learn
to
accept
the
disciplined
way
of
life,
which
means
that
a
tendency
for
our
ego
to
come
back
is
permanently
checked.
It
becomes
a
way
of
life.
I
can
keep
my
ego
in
permanent
check.
This
is
not
new
to
a
members.
They
have
learned
that
a
single
surrender
was
not
enough.
The
12
steps,
repeated
inventories,
not
just
one,
and
the
12
stepping
itself
a
routine
reminder
that
one
must
work
at
deserving
sobriety.
All
are
essential.
We
have
to
earn
the
to
be
deserving
of
sobriety.
We
just
can't
come
in
and
say
I
did
it
once
and
then
sit
on
our
laurels.
When
I
share,
I
share
about
what
I'm
doing
now,
what
I'm
currently
doing,
not
what
I
did
three
years
ago
or
five
years
ago.
What
am
I
doing
right
now,
right
here?
That's
what
your
sex
inventory
should
be.
Clean
up
the
past
and
then
look
at
your
inventory
right
now.
What
am
I
doing
now
and
where
am
I
headed?
All
right,
It's,
it's
a,
it's
a,
it's
a,
it's
a
full
Monte.
It's
a
full
deal.
You
can't
just
look
at
the
inventory
and
say,
yeah,
I
was
bad.
Let's
go
make
a,
you
know,
make
amends
for
that
and
stop
there.
I
guarantee
you
will
remanifest
that
stuff
in
your
life.
You
have
to
replace
it.
It's
back
to
the
pink
elephant.
If
I
tell
you
to
think
about
a
pink
elephant,
unless
I
replace
it
with
something
else,
you
have
nowhere
to
go.
I
can't
emphasize
enough
the
importance
of
a
sex
ideal
and
how
many
hundreds
of
thousands
of
Alcoholics
and
Alcoholics
Anonymous
have
never
heard
of
a
sex
ideal,
A
properly
written
sex
ideal.
If
you
try
to
live
and
compare
your
life
to
it,
it
will
change
you
for
all
time.
So
you
got
anything
else
we
got?
We
got
one
minute.
We're
going
to
change.
OK,
Yeah.
Let's,
if
you
guys
will
bear
with
me
for
just
one
second,
we'll
change
and
then
and
then
we'll
continue
on
for
what,
another
half
hour?
Then
go
to
dinner.