Mark H. and Dave F. at the Fellowship of the spirit convention at St. John's University, Queens in New York July 27th

The inventory is not about a victim. Although every drunk I've ever met, male and female.

OK, every, every, every drunk I have ever met, regardless of gender. Oh, I forgot to. I'll have you do a dual role. She was doing pretty good with this. Both the daughter and the victim. See, what does a victim need to be to exist? Needs to be victimized.

And let me tell you my experience with that stage character. If you don't get rid of that stage character, you're going to continue to go through life making sure that stage character stays in place and that stage character has a huge payoff. See. So let's let's hear what the victim said when he left.

I'm alone. How could you do that?

I'm nothing,

I'm hollow, I'm just dead. I might as well sit in my bed and never leave the house again.

See. See you follow me. See. Yeah, I did so much. Give me. Give me a couple other things in the second column for the same person. Yeah,

we got some inventory here. See, here's the deal. I could take any one of you that's ever had a relationship. You know, you can take any woman and any man. Have you sitting in this chair? We'd be doing the same stuff, right? The names and faces. But and what I'm trying to make you see of the tragedy of the ego. You see, there's this is not about love. That pain that she's feeling and she's crying right now. That's not about love. That's about an addictive, needy, clingy ego that gets his definition.

Who I am from this quote relationship. That's not about love. You see the difference, right? Give me, give me some more second column

talking to the mic. Yeah, I will.

I resent that he talked down to me and didn't appreciate my mind and my ideas.

Did you hear that?

So he's talking down to her and he doesn't appreciate her ideas, right? So

victim, tell me, how do you feel about that?

I listen to him all the time. He never ever ever listened to me. I tried. Give me

what's the wife's reaction to this? I'm separate from you if you think different. OK, good. How about the spiritual woman? How spiritual am I?

Here's here's what here's what she would say. If she's real spiritual, well, he's just spiritually sick and I understand that.

And what would Xena be saying about now? You think you're so perfect. Look at yourself, you know. Look in the mirror, you know you gain 20 lbs since we've been married.

I was drunk. I was drunk when I married you and now I'm sober. I don't know why I married you in the first place.

Yeah, yeah. Go girl. Go girl. Right,

see, and and This is why we shoot ourselves in the head, not the foot. This is going on all day long behind. I'm going to leave you

all day long. She shifted in one state or another all day long, day in and day out. I mean, Can you imagine? The spiritual woman gets up in the morning and she wants to do prayer and meditation because that's what she does. And the victim jumps in and says, no, she you know, So then she calls her mother and the daughter steps in, right. And then the wife's going to meetings and talking about he's leaving and he's doing this. And then every now and then Zenor rares up and said, we're going to he's going to regret that. I mean, he,

you know, somewhere. And Xena says things like he's tasted the waters of the Nile. Nothing else. I'll ever quench that SLB's thirst, you know, you see.

And, and then pretty soon the businesswoman is saying this is great. That guy was a horrible money manager. Anyhow, you follow and she goes in and out of this all day long. All day long, in and out and in and out. And every single one of these will literally bring about another emotional response in her. You're up and down. I remember. I cannot control my emotional nature. Gee, I wonder why?

See. And here's what's cute. Let's go back to when they got married. Can you imagine what it looked like the first night they went to bed? There were fifty different characters in that bed. What are the odds? See, here's another piece I could have brought up. A sex goddess, right? And then the man you got, Romeo,

I can assure you the wife's agenda in the sex goddess's agenda are completely different. You follow me. See, the wife has never ever committed adultery on her husband. That but the sex goddess would in a minute, 'cause they got different agendas. You understand what I'm saying? And when this husband comes home and says I'm leaving, he basically is saying to every one of these, you no longer exist.

If your sense of self is derived externally, you follow. This is again, this is the purpose of inventory, to identify this. Her third column is going to come from all these different characters you follow.

Give me some a couple more in this second column. How long ago this happened?

What's today's date? Today's the 2028 days,

28 days ago. OK, see. And the pain is real.

Pain is real. I've almost died behind this stuff. I mean, that couldn't sleep. Couldn't.

Maybe you can relate to this? It's one of the best diets I've ever experienced.

You know, here people are telling you looking great and you want to die inside, right? You know, see. And of course, if you're a macho man like me and Dave, it it's cool for her to sit up here and cry. But I'm going to meetings trying to be this ramble, you know, it's just it's not good. It's not good, you see,

I'm conflicted. I got conflict going on, you know, see. Give me some more second column.

Well, biggie is I'm really angry that he didn't try to work on it. Try to work it out, OK, You know I'm OK. I did. I wanted to, right? He didn't want to even try. OK, so again, you see what we're putting down in the second column. He didn't want to work on it. He didn't. He didn't want to try, right. So you developed a third column, self esteem. I'll take the last piece. I'm going to show you high right inventory.

I wanted to work on it and he wouldn't try.

Now I'll tell you a little trap in inventory about third column because she obviously is going through some pain behind this and emotion and crying

and I've fallen into this. When I'm in that state. I write my third column from a position of low self esteem and victim. I felt bad because he didn't want to work on it. But I want to tell you something about resentments. I have a resentment because I'm playing God and in my act of playing God, it didn't go the way I want and God doesn't have any low self esteem. So what's really going on in her self esteem? Here's what's going on. I like to use the words I am,

I am the wife. I'm willing to work on this. She's going to sit in judgment on him in the second column. Remember, he didn't want to work on it. She did. See, I'm willing to stay in the marriage and work on it. Boom, you follow me.

That's who the self esteem is. Two sides to it. That's one. There's probably another one is I've made so many mistakes that I don't deserve to be in this marriage anymore. Probably both sides. Did you have both experiences?

Pride. Pride is how others see me. No one should see a man leave me. I leave men.

No one should see a man leave me. You follow me. Ambitioned. Tell me what you want,

and I want you to touch it. I want you to touch all of it. I mean, tell us what you want.

I mean, in one word, what I want is joy.

How I get it, that's another story. What do you want from him? From him,

unconditional love,

unconditional love. Did you hear that she wants unconditional love? Ambition. What do I want? I want unconditional love. Security. What do you need to be okay

to be OK? Really, I need to unconditionally love myself because that's that's always killing me. I understand that that that's a moral and philosophical conviction, but that ain't what you're feeling right now. I want you to touch why you're sitting here crying in so much pain. What has your mind been telling you? You need to be OK.

You need him,

you need him, need someone like him.

I'm going to carry it a step further.

I need a man to be OK, to be to be OK. She has that belief system in place. Place. Where do you think all of her pain is coming from? You see, all my troubles are my own making. She has a belief system that she needs a man to be OK. So here's what it means. If she doesn't have a man in her life who's loving her unconditionally, she has never OK. That's how she goes through her life.

Purpose of inventory is look at these insane belief systems that you were up against security. What did I need to be OK? I needed a man to be OK. You understand? See how that lays out? You see what she's up against? You see why we drink over this?

Steps 4 through 8 are designed to challenge all of these insane belief systems you have, and if you're not writing inventory like this, you can't see what those are.

Sex relations, Deep seated beliefs about men and women. What are some of your deep seated beliefs? Well, wait a minute, let's ask her committee their deep seated beliefs. What are some of your beliefs about men?

Victim Am I Victim Men,

they take advantage of me all the time. They take, take, take. I give, give, give.

They never, ever, ever stay

kids with ladies. Kids. You feel that, huh? Can't you feel that? OK, now you're the wife. What are your deep seated beliefs about men to be in a loving relationship?

Always be there for me.

How about the spiritual women?

I'm going to learn how to take care of myself so that I don't need a man in my life. That when I when it happens, it's because I want it to happen. How's Zena feel about men?

Oh yeah, I can do a lot better than you because you were sucked in bed.

Yeah,

and I suspect the money person feels the same way.

Just do you see what she's up against with this one piece of inventory? Minute by minute, day by day, Let me tell you something. She shifts in and out of these stage characters. They don't know each other exists. Can you imagine? Have you ever had this happen? It's 5:00 AM in the morning and they wake you up

and they call a meeting

and they start talking. I, I had a lady say to me, meditation is just so hard, my mind and I

and they don't have a group leader when they start talking,

they just we want to talk to you, you know, and, and

it goes on and you shift in all day long, see all day long. She gets up in the morning. She shifts in and out of these different characters and states of being all day long. And she has different. One minute she wants to kill him, get an Uzi, blow him away. The next minute the spiritual woman said, God bless you, go in peace. The next the victim. I mean, it's just endless, right? Xena's in the middle, but I'll say it all. Screw it. There's a 2 billion men out there who cares about him. You know you. And she wonders why she's going crazy and feeling all this pain and feeling all this confusion,

feeling restless, irritable, discontent, having trouble in personal relationships.

You see why? An AAA, They say in your first year to stay out of relationships. Look what you're bringing in

now couple this with a lot of unfinished amends. You see, you know, and again, imagine boy meets girl in a A and just take take that area of your life. So you got what are the odds of the sex goddess and lover boy meeting at the same time in the bedroom?

Nonexistent,

nonexistent, right? Lover boy is that Well, let's say one night, let's say Miss A A, she's out working with another woman doing spiritual work for God,

see, Let's say that that her husband's at home and the lover boy is anxious, see? So she walks in the door and she's just this little ray of light

and he's a ray of sexual energy. We're going to have a problem.

You follow me, we're going to have a problem. What is the what is the purpose of inventory? To be entirely rid of self. All these false states of being, to go through life, taking your being into your doing. But you're not your doing. You're not attached to this. You understand I'm in the world to play the role of God as a sign, but I am not the role. You see the difference? You move, you flow. See,

anybody have any questions on this? You get a chance. You see what you're up against off one little piece of inventory here. See, this is very, very real. Now, here's how I write inventory. That makes it easy. The first thing I like to do when I get to my third column is I like to ask myself this question. What stage characters are fighting for their life in this resentment?

Well, the little wifey poop, the sex goddess probably income the daughter because mommy ain't going to be happy with this news, right? And and, or after all, what's the daughter need to be? I have to please my mother. I have to be the perfect daughter. You know, Mary, for you know, however it lays out. And then I begin to write my third column. My third column is where I'm playing God. See, you get you understand, you see how this lays out. You see what this poor girl has been up against?

You see what this call? You see why we drink? You see the tragedy of the ego behind this.

Give him a hand. Thanks.

I'm going to I'm going to have Dave do one and then we'll take a break. And

OK,

we're at a time that we got to eat lunch now because dinner is going to be here at 5:00 and if we don't eat until 2, then you're not going to be hungry at 5:00. And we got lots of food to eat. So here's the deal. You get an hour to eat lunch and then we're going to come back and we're going to jump back into theater. I do theater a little bit different than Mark, and I'll be talking about the same characters but from a different perspective.

If you want an opportunity to sit up in the hot seat, write some inventory over lunch. Bring me something.

I don't care what it is any As long as you're angry, we can work with it. And

and I'll show it to you from a different angle. And

for the for the big book lawyers, I will take you through and I will teach you how to do this because this is what I do with when I write work with inventory with a new guy, particularly if he's very new. He only writes column one and two.

He writes column one and two. And then he hands me the form and then I talk about which area has been effective. And then I take him through a little mini theater of the lie so that he can see it, so he can experience it. Because it's really important to be able to identify those characters. That's your life. Remember the, the statement in, in in 1011 says we need to watch.

What are we watching for? Selfishness, looking afraid, right? Well, how does that express itself? The hamster on the wheel, the voices that come into our head. If you don't know what voices are there, you don't see the chatter of 1000 monkeys. You can't say, whoa, I'm off the beam because they're talking to you. You need to be able to recognize and say, hey, wait a minute, that's Rambo. I know Rambo. If I see Rambo and boom, now you, now you've got an opportunity to stop, stop the process before you create the harm and have to go make amends for it. All right, so everybody go and eat lunch and be back here. 1:00

Rock,

The unsung heroes of this weekend are the fellowship of the, The Spirit Committee, the guys that put this thing together. So let's all give them a round of applause

if you guys get an opportunity this weekend. Somewhere along the line, the people that were sitting back at that desk over there were the ID tags and the, and the handouts that that's primarily the fellowship of the Spirit committee. The people like Glenn and, and the vendors that sell stuff. They're busy while we're doing this weekend. So we're in here having a spiritual experience and often times they're getting our lunch set up. They're walking in and out so they don't get to hear the whole message. They're probably going to get the experience when they go back and listen to the tapes.

That's selfless service. They're doing a deal for us. And so one of the things I try to do is I always try to go up and thank people when they're doing that. You know, my sponsor raised me that way, if you will, that whether it was a good message from the podium or a bad message from the podium, they gave me a gift. They came to give something to me. So I go up and I thank him, thank him for being there. So if you get an opportunity this weekend

it would. I would highly suggest it. When you do it, look him in the eye.

Look and see if you can see the spark. Look to see if you can see the mirror and see if you can see the window into their soul. And and they'll feel the presence. Doesn't matter what you say to them, they'll get the message that what they're doing meant something to you because you're getting something. It's a wonderful deal. Anyway, let's see if I can find some humor here.

You know, everybody always says that inventory is fun. So we got to, we got to find some fun.

You know, they're the people that don't think you can have fun with inventory.

How much have we been laughing? I mean, that last session that Mark did was, was hilarious. And what are we laughing at? We're not laughing at the event. We're laughing at, at ourselves because we all have those characters in our own head, you know, so let's get back in the state of humor. And, and to me, that's one of the way God's expresses himself. You know, we'll go back to that 2 year old kid, right? What else does watching 2 year old children do for you? Not only are they unconditional love, and not only are they excited and joyful about everything because everything is a new experience,

when they find something that touches them and they get a reflection of love back, what's their reaction? Laughter. They laugh. It's ultimate joy. So when we're laughing, we're happy. People in the big book tells us that we should be laughing. It's one of our principles of instruction. We should be having fun. That's what this deal is about. If you got sober not to have fun, what do you sober for? You know, go out and help God and have a absolute blast while you're doing it. If I was up here being miserable, I'd be doing the wrong damn thing. I should be doing something else, but I'm up here having fun.

Even even when we're dealing with painful subjects that hurt at the core, it's still fun because I'm facing and getting rid of that. That's what the four steps all about. So let's see #21 you wake up in the bedroom and your underwear is in the bathroom and you fell asleep clothed.

22 The whole bar says hi when you come in.

23 Every night you're beginning to find your roommates cat more and more attractive.

Is that good for four step or what?

24 Hi Ossifer, I'm not under the affluence of incohol.

25 I'm not drunk, you're just sober.

26 Roseanne looks good.

Oh

27 you don't realize your your wife unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

28 That damned pink elephant followed me home again

#29 You have a reserve parking space at the liquor store

for those of you that have parking space guides, but I'm not going to go there. I don't judge

and in 30 I'm as jober as a snudge

theater. The lie. It's a lot of fun and the thing to remember is it's deadly earnest. We make fun out of it. It's a wonderful tool if you treat it as a tool. One of the warnings that I had meant to give to you and I'm sorry, it's too late now. I can't take the bullet out of the barrel. I I normally start off step work with anybody I talk to about God's grace, and God's grace last only as long as ignorance.

God's grace lasts only as long as ignorance.

What does that mean? That means that you walked in here fat, dumb, and happy. You weren't thinking of what we were going to do to you. And we've reached in there and we've touched something. And once we touch that, the bullet's out of the barrel. You can't get it back. You can't go back to the ignorance. Why does a, A ruin your drinking, whether you knew you were alcoholic or not? And you stumble into an A meeting and they say, hey, by the way, you know, you're one of us. And you kind of go, oh wow, you can't go back into the bar because we've destroyed your delusion.

Now you can go back into bar, but you're not going to go back and you're happy.

All right? The fun you had, the delusion of the fun you were having when you're drinking, it's gone forever. Same deal with this. We can show you truth up here and you'll see your truth. You'll recognize it. You'll nod your head and you'll say, yeah, that's me. And if you try to say, oh, but I don't want to do that now, I don't do that inventory. Guess what,

we've we've stuck something inside you that's going to rot and it's going to fester and it's going to intensify your level of pain. So the easier softer way in a A is the 12 steps. That is the easier softer way. There is no easier softer way that I know of.

That's the easier softer way. The hard way is trying to self will and do it on your own

and everybody's experienced that themselves. It's in this room if you're alcoholic.

So what's the goal here? The goal is, is to face and get rid of it. I like to make an analogy of a, of inventory of a sink, a drain, right? The big book tells us that God resides deep down within each and everyone of us, but we're blocked. We're blocked off from the sunlight of the Spirit. So we need to get what's blocking us. And in the drain is this big hairball called resentment, you know,

So what do we do? We reach in there, grab the hairball, we face it and we get rid of it, Chuck it in the trash. It's gone, it's out of there, right? Then there's the trap is all full of grease. You know, that's our fear. So we go in and get rid of the fear. And the last thing that's blocking up our drain is the guilt of the harms we've done to others. And primarily the people that we hurt the most are the people that are closest to us. And so that's why we do sexual harms, but it's really a harms done to others inventory because what if there's somebody that I'm not angry about,

I'm not afraid of them and I didn't have sex with them,

but I stole 1000 bucks from him, right? Where do they go? Well, they're not on the three inventories in the big book, guys. I don't have to deal anything with that. You know,

my own personal experience. I got really resentful. Can you imagine that an alcoholic resentful. I get really resentful at my bank because they were, I don't remember. It's so important. I don't remember what they did to me, but they did something that was absolutely atrocious. So I'm going to show them, right? I storm into the bank and I said, I want all my money and I want it now. She's like, yes, Sir, OK, what's your account? And I give give her the information. She says, well, I'll cut you a bank check. And I said bank check. Here comes the ego even more.

Your bank checks aren't any good. I want cash,

right? So she counts out the actually it's a guy, he counts out the cash. All right. So he hands me the cash. And so I stormed down to the bank that's down on the corner and giving them the cash and fill out the deposit slip. And the guy says, well, what do you want to do with this extra 1000 bucks? It's not on the deposit slip. And I said, oh, just give that to me. Boom, put it in my pocket. And I'm doing this sober, by the way. But it was in that dark period where I hadn't had my 10 year crash

all right,

By the time my intuition comes to me that I've done something seriously wrong here and my life is in jeopardy because I'm thinking about drinking over this issue, that I just ripped up somebody for 1000 bucks. I go back to the bank right now. Would that fall under a resentment inventory?

Only if I saw their anger at the bank. But if I haven't done that inventory, I wouldn't see that I stole 1000 bucks and that was my harm. I didn't. I'm not afraid of that of the bank because I'm angry at the bank. I still wouldn't catch it on a fair inventory and I didn't have sex with the guy, so it wouldn't come up on a sex inventory. What do I do with it? By the time I realize that I go back to the bank, the guy that made the mistake and gave me 1000 bucks, guess what? He got terminated,

right?

I panic. I bail out. Now I'm ready to go make amends to this guy. But the manager tells me this guy's fired. What's the issue? And I need this to say, I hadn't written any inventory on it. It had caught me completely off guard. So I take off, and it was in the 80s when everything was shifting very quickly. And by the time I'd done an inventory and had my spiritual awakening and was ready to go face this deal, the bank had changed hands two or three times. So now I'm going back into the bank to give them their 1000 bucks back. And the guy's saying I can't. That's the bank before the bank before the bank. What do you want to,

you know, give it to charity? What do you want me to do with it? I started doing these workshops as a way of making amends, to put that $1000 of God's money back out in the universe because I do them at a loss.

So what's my point? My point is

there are things, there are harms that you'll do to others that won't fit into the it's not a perfect system. We start with the basis of what's in the big Book and we take it to the next level. We always start with the three inventories of the big Book, and you can always add more to it, but don't ever take anything away because then your ego will use it against you. Theater to the Lie isn't written in the big Book, but it's a wonderful adaptation to what's in the big book. It takes you to the next level. It gives you another tool to work with. So what it what does that tool really get for you?

The whole purpose of it, remember, is to face and get rid of. It's not to face it so you can learn how to deal with it. And so you can play and play with Zena and Rambo and deal with these characters that'll kill you. And your ego will do that to you. My ego. That's one of the biggest things that came out of this inventory with Mark for me. I recognize I can do theater lie. I understand all these characters, so I thought I knew what to do with them once I saw them.

And my ego turned it around and used it against me. And I saw in this inventory how blind I had been.

My ego said, well, if you know this, this, this and this, maybe he doesn't know this. So it did that. And I'm sitting out here saying, I know all these characters. I'm fine. If I see any of them, I know what I'll do. And meanwhile I get bushwhacked from behind. So the whole point I'm trying to make to you is theater lie is fun. Learn the characters, but don't get confident in the fact that this is going to protect you for everything because it's not all right. We're using this as a tool. It's just another tool that's in our toolbox or spiritual toolbox. We're going to learn how to face and be rid of.

All right? One of the things I like to do with theater is to describe the characters because the important thing is to recognize the characters and each person has different characters. Name your characters, understand your characters because that's going to be the first. Remember the word watch, right? We're supposed to be watching and test step 10 for selfishness, dishonesty, self seeking and fear. How does that come out?

It comes out in our day as as the hamster gets on the wheel,

we've recognized all of a sudden we're restless and irritable, but we can't quite put our finger on it.

If we can all of a sudden zero in on a character and say who's been talking to me for the last 10 seconds, boom, I know who that is. That's the banker, that's the husband, or that's the child. Now I got something. If I'm seeing that character, one of the characters from the theater to lie, by definition, I must be in column three. There's some more power. All right? If I'm in column three, that must mean that there's column four coming and column four question 4 is I must be afraid.

So I, I don't have to go through the entire inventory process right there on the spot.

If I'm current with my current characters that tend to affect me, I can, as soon as I recognize I can stop, slam on the brakes. Pause. That's what the big book says, right? Pause and say, OK, just by definition that I'm seeing one of my characters. I must be afraid. If I've done a good fear inventory, well, I'll talk about it later. You'll end up with something called your hit parade. That's what I carry that card in my wallet. If I see one of my characters today, I can slam on the brakes. I reach in my pocket. I pull out my little fear card there. It's got my hit parade of fears. The fears that have

on every single inventory I've ever written are the same basic fears. Figure out which one of those it is give it to God and go right to page 68. Give the fear to God. What does God want me to be? Boom. God help me to be this right now and now I'm back on the spiritual beam. I didn't have to get all out of whack off the beam. Go through column free, get home, do my evening review. See it right out of four column inventory. Call somebody up fifth step it to end up in the exact same place. Hey, I got a fear and do the fear tool. Give it to God. You can cut right to the chase and I call that a a fear tool. It's a wonderful

the ultimate goal we're looking for here is fear. What is the fear? We can't get there unless we understand the characters. Once you understand the characters, then you know what to watch for, you know, and you get very careful and, and some of the characters are subtle. And So what I'm going to do is talk about characters that Mark didn't go into in too detail. And there's some characters that have that came out of this inventory that I'd never seen before, and they changed my life because now I know who to look for. And

we always think of resentment

in terms of anger. The root word of resentment is reason. Tari, right? It means to refill. Well, I don't always re feel anger. I can refill pleasure.

The first time you ever took a drink or it's the first time you ever hit on a pipe and you got that high, What were we doing? We were chasing that exact same experience for the rest of our drinking career. We were trying to have that resentment, that reason, Tari, but it wasn't out of anger. We were looking for that,

that high that we never got back to, right? Same thing had happened in sobriety. I can go through and say I'm not resentful, yet I keep experiencing an event that happened five years ago or 10 years ago or 15 years ago.

Oftentimes you see this with grief. Somebody will have a very close loved one that died and they'll go through the grieving period and they'll think I'm through that. And then three years later, all of a sudden the memory of their dead father or something will come to them and they go right back into that grief that they thought they'd work their way through. You look at him, you say, you know you're resentful and they'll go.

I'm not resentful. Now they are because now you said something to him. Now they're resentful at you for saying it to him. They don't realize the fact that they were refueling the grief from three years ago. And look what their ego has done for them. Their ego has pulled them out of this moment. And this moment is the only thing that exists. All right, it's, it's kind of an interesting concept and

I don't know how to explain it to you any better than I'll do a theater and then I'll come back in and we'll talk about where the ego, because it's not just it's not only important to understand who the characters are, it's important to know where the ego took you because by definition, you had to be out of the present moment. So you need to know, did the ego drag me into the past or did it drag me into the future? And, and I'll and I'll show you how to deal with that and figure it out. So let's get the game underway.

I need somebody that's got a resentment and it's been willing to bring up columns one and two and then we'll have some fun with it.

Debbie, what you got? Come on up.

Give her a hand.

Yeah. Isn't it OK?

They'll turn it on, have a seat.

OK, give me who's telling one.

I I've probably been doing too much thinking about this because I it's probably God, but I go ahead, bring it on. Column one is God. Yeah. OK, what's column two?

That he took my mother

and my whole family fell apart and I wasn't there to prevent it. So you're upset that your mother died? I'm upset, yes. I'm upset that my mother died. It's funny that you mentioned about thought. I thought I was done with this because my mom died about 5-5 years ago and I did work on this and I thought I was done with it. But it's coming up again. OK, so

is it truly God that you have said or is it your mother for dying on you? I don't know.

Well, which do you think it is

from what we've talked about this whole weekend?

What's your conception of God now?

Would God take her mother?

So could you be angry at God? Yes, it's possible to be angry at God, but from your own experience, is that a delusion or not? Probably. Now your mother, she died. There's some definite attachments there. And I'm going to start with your mother. And if you, if you don't get the answers you're looking for, we can go back to God. We'll put God in column one, but let's start with your mother as column one and column two. She died. So mom dies. What's the first character that shows up in your hand right from Mark? If Mark was going to pull somebody out of the code, who would have pulled up first? What is a

have a daughter. All right, Why don't you be the dog? You stand up. I don't have to move anyplace. So we got a daughter. All right. Now she's not a Dean anymore. She's a she's a daughter. OK, I'll teach you to sit in front.

We have this daughter, all right? At first the daughter is grief stricken, right? She says, Oh my God, mom's gone forever,

right? The first thing she's going to do is panic and say, woe is me, I have lost something. So the just about as quick as the daughter shows up, you end up with a victim because now her mother died on her, right? So we need a victim. Why don't you be the victim? OK, so you got you got the got the mother and you got the daughter. All right. Now the whole concept is that she died on me. So in order for her to say that,

she had to have a judgment, right? So we need to have a judge. Michael want you to be the judge. All right, So the judge is judging the situation. Now all the sudden it's you're the center of the universe and your mother has just died on you daughter. The victim says, yeah, she died on me. So let's take it to the judge to confirm this. Now, your ego is trying to build a delusion that this is OK to justify the feelings that you're feeling so that your behavior is OK for you to act out the way your ego wants you to act out. All right? Does that make sense?

OK, so you go to the judge, Will. The judge

says I need a jury of your peers. So we got a judge and a jury, right. And you're going to weigh the evidence. Did she die on you did? Well, what are you upset about? Well, there's unfinished business here. And, you know, you start bouncing it back and forth. Does that make sense that you're going to. It's not just you don't just say, OK, I'm judging my mother. You're not conscious of the judgment, but a verdict has to come in, whether it's the judge or the jury. You get a verdict that comes in and she's guilty. Mom is guilty of harming me. And the victim says, oh, yeah, absolutely no question. All right, so now the victim is there, So

what do they do? They sign an executioner. All right, you're going to try to get even at your mother. There's this anger in there and you're going to, you want to strike out with all your being because you're in this such emotional pain. All right, so you have an executioner. If the mother was still alive, let's say there's a different resentment and the mother had done something to her that she ended up with a daughter and a victim and a judge, and she judges the situation. Then the executioner is going to start figuring out a penalty, right? He's going to weigh a penalty and say this is the proper penalty to get even with mom for doing what she did.

All right, so the executioner will what will try to do that? If it's too stiff a penalty and you're going to get caught in this deal, Let's say, you know, you say, well, the penalty's death. You know, you want to kill your mom. You can't kill your mom because you know you're going to go to jail. So then you hire a hitman and you're going to make her die a living death. And you're going to say, take that and drag it out over a long period of time. You're going to lie and wait. The hitman will lie and wait and figure out way to make her suffer. All right, But there's a problem here. There's a there's a disconnect. Mom is dead. How am I going to make

suffer? Well, I'm going to make her memory suffer. My good thoughts are her that they're gone. And I'm just going to focus on every bad thing she's ever done to me with the hope that it's going to get you on the other side of the spirit world. Does that make sense? All right, so we got a judge, we got a jury, we got an executioner, We got the victim, we got the hitman. All right, there's another character. And this is the character that came to me full force. It changed my life. You guys can go ahead and sit down because this is a really important thing