Mark H. and Dave F. at the Fellowship of the spirit convention at St. John's University, Queens in New York July 27th
Evening,
everybody.
I'm
Mark.
I'm
an
alcoholic.
I
want
to
talk
a
little
bit
about
my
current
experience
with
the
first
step
man.
I
know
a
long
time
sober
gave
me
a
definition
of
an
old
timer,
he
said
it's
a
someone
who's
a
long
time
sober.
It
hasn't
any
puke
on
his
shoes
in
a
while.
And
my
experience
is
if
you
lose
your
connection
with
the
first
step,
the
truth
and
reality
of
that
experience,
that's
when
the
way
that
will
begin
to
manifest
in
your
life
is
the
number
of
meetings
that
you're
going
to
will
begin
to
decrease.
Your
work
with
the
disciplines
of
10/11
will
slowly
begin
to
decrease.
The
number
of
people
that
you
work
with
will
slowly
begin
to
decrease.
So
my
connection
to
my
first
step,
my
first
step
experience
is
critical
to
me,
which
is
probably
why
I
work
with
a
lot
of
Alcoholics.
It's
hard
to
lose
a
connection
to
the
first
step.
I
mentioned
to
you
that
this
year,
you
know,
spiritual
living,
Alcoholics
Anonymous
is
tough
because
people
you
love
and
people
you
get
close
to,
they
drink
and
or
do
drugs
and
they
die.
And
if
you're,
if
you're
in
this
room
and
you
have
much
time
sober,
you,
you
know,
you
have
that
experience.
I
did
want
to
do
one
thing.
I
want
to
get
a
feel
for
length
of
sobriety.
How
many
of
you
give
me
a
show
of
hands
of
a
year
or
less?
OK,
how
about
two
to
four
years?
OK,
how
about
four
to
seven?
OK,
how
about
7:00
to
10:00?
OK,
how
about
10
to
15?
OK,
great.
How
about
15
to
20?
OK,
over
20.
So
we
got
2
/
20.
How
about
over
25?
OK,
what
is
your
ten,
12
million
people
in
this
area
and
we
got
2,
two
people
over
25
years
sober.
I
wonder
what
that's
about.
See,
that's
I
do
that
everywhere.
I'll
tell
you
why.
If
you're
a
victim
of
the
disease
of
alcoholism
and
you
do
not
have
a
revolutionary
spiritual
experience
and
you
do
not
continue
to
grow,
you're
going
to
drink
and
you're
going
to
die.
That
is
the
truth.
And
if
you
lose
that
connection
to
that
first
step,
you're
going
to
lose
that
truth.
This
past
year,
well,
they're
giving
it
3-3
weeks
ago,
a
man,
he's
been
around
a
for
about
15
years.
I
had
sponsored
him
been
through
the
steps
and
he
about
six
months
ago
quote
behind
a
relationship
problem.
He
had
never
he
was
an
alcoholic,
he
shot
a
lot
of
cocaine.
He
had
two
death
experiences
with
a
combination,
but
he
never
tried
crack
and
this
relationship
wasn't
going
the
way
he
wanted.
So
his
sense
of
self,
if
you
haven't
done
a
lot
of
work
with
inventory,
by
the
way,
your
sense
of
who
you
are
is
always
derived
externally,
which
is
why
everything
impacts
you.
So
the
thought
of
her
leaving
put
him
in
so
much
pain.
He's
fighting
for
his
life.
And
so
his
head
said,
well,
let's
see
what's
so
good
about
this
crack
cocaine.
And
finally,
a
month
ago.
See,
I
love
people
enough,
even
if
even
if
some
of
them
got
to
die,
because
my
perception
of
death
has
changed
over
the
years.
But
in
particular
with
that
drug,
what
I've
seen
is
this
idea
that
they're
going
to
wake
up
one
day
and
I
think
I'll
go
leaping
back
to
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
In
my
great
life,
that
just
doesn't
happen
with
that
particular
beast.
That's
my
experience
anyhow.
So
I
grabbed
a
pall
of
mine
and
following
guidance
and
we
went
down
to
Austin
and
walked
in
on
on
him
and
and
he
was
drinking
Mad
Dog
in
a
2020
every
day
and
in
conjunction
with
other
things.
And
this
was
a
man
who
went
from
being
VP
of
a
of
a
company
in
six
months
he
went
through
$100,000.
This
home,
which
was
probably
a
$300,000
home,
look
like
a
wild
caged
animal
had
been
turned
loose.
Anything
that
had
an
RCA
cable
was
gone.
It
was
beyond
belief.
He
had
lost
70
lbs.
He
unrecognizable
as
a
human
being.
And
so
we
loaded
him
up
and
it
was
not
open
to
discussion.
And
I've
done
that
sometimes.
I
love
this
guy
a
lot.
And
I'm
happy
to
tell
you
that
he
is
still
in
treatment
right
now
and
he's
got
about
a
month
and
he
didn't
his
psychosis
has
left
him
a
little
bit
matter
of
fact,
he's
starting
to
get
well
on
me
very
quickly.
But
another
two
other
men
that
I've
done
some
work
with,
one
of
them
had
3
1/2
years
when
I
had
2
1/2.
These
are
men
who
had
done
this
work,
who
had
made
these
amends,
would
work
with
meditation,
back
out
drinking.
I
hadn't
thought
about
that.
Both
of
those
behind
quote
a
relationship
and
I
can
show
you
how
to
get
get
free
of
that
stuff.
But
again,
if
you're
a
victim
of
the
disease
of
alcoholism
and
do
not
do
not
have
that
experience
and
do
not
continue
to
grow
in
that.
See
this
year
some
other
things
came
to
me
around
this
first
step.
When
the
book
says
to
drink
is
to
die.
Here's
my
experience
with
that.
The
very
last
thing
you
die
from
is
physical
death
for
people
like
us
to
pick
up
a
drink.
The
very
moment
I
take
the
drink,
the
first
death
I
experience
is
the
fact
that
I'm
a
spiritual
being
because
I've
lost
immediate
conscious
contact
and
I
back
into
the
sense
of
separation
and
isolation.
And
then
ultimately
it
is
just
different
lengths
of
time
for
every
one
of
us
in
this
room.
Ultimately,
everything
that
is
of
any
value
to
you
in
your
life
will
die.
And
the
last
thing
that
will
die
is
physical
death.
See,
so
when
the
book
says
to
drink
is
to
die,
they
mean
to
drink
is
to
die
ultimately.
So
how
is
it,
you
know,
you
not
do
that?
I
recently
was
working
with
a
woman
who's
been
around
a
A
for
20
years.
She
had
seven
years
drank
again
he
almost
dead
by
the
time
I
started
working
with
her.
I
I
just
have
to
assume
in
past
reincarnations,
I
must
have
been
an
evil
person
because
I
get
chronic
relapsers
to
work
with.
And
if,
if,
if
you
have
worked
with
them,
the
reason
I
say
that
is,
you
know,
there
are
four
favorite
words
or
I
know,
and
yes,
but
they,
they
know
more
about
the
book
than
you,
you
know,
you,
it
doesn't
work
anymore.
And,
and
that,
so
that's
who
I
get
to
work
with,
you
know,
and,
and
that's
OK.
I
guess
I'm
working
out
my
karma
in
there.
But
I,
I
said
to
this
woman,
I
said
at
7
years
when
you
picked
up
a
drink,
do
you
think
you
were
involved
in
that
decision?
She
said,
well,
of
course
I
was.
I
said,
now
let
me
make
sure
I
understand
what
you're
telling
me.
You
think
it's
seven
years
you
chose
to
take
a
drink.
And
she
says,
well,
yes.
I
said,
tell
me
again,
how
many
years
you
been
around
a
A
Well,
I've
been
around
20.
And
I
said,
where
did
you
get
the
idea
if
you're
real
alcoholic
that
you're
involved
in
a
choice
to
drink
or
not?
She
said,
well,
what
do
you
mean?
Where
did
I
get
that
idea?
And
I
said,
well,
I
said,
a
real
alcoholic
is
not
involved
in
the
choice
to
drink
again.
And
she
goes.
And
so
anyhow,
make
a
Long
story
short,
here's
a
woman
who's
been
around
Alcoholics
Anonymous
for
20
years
and
does
not
have
a
clue
what
it
means
to
be
a
real
alcoholic,
to
be
a
real
alcoholic.
What
does
that
mean?
See,
I'm
not
sitting
up
here
tonight
sober
because
I
chose
not
to
take
a
drink
today
for
the
real
alcoholic.
For
a
guy
like
me,
I
have
one
option.
Do
I
choose
to
seek
conscious
contact
with
that
which
prevents
me
from
drinking?
That
is
the
only
choice
I
have
and
my
life
springs
from
that
choice.
See,
there's
this
subtle
trap
that
that
you
fall
into.
People
say,
well,
what's
the
most
important
thing
in
your
life?
And
you
say
your
sobriety.
Well,
here's
the
problem.
If
that's
the
most
important
thing
in
your
life,
the
most
important
thing
in
your
life,
you
don't
have
any
power
to
bring
about.
So
the
most
important
thing
in
my
life
is
conscious
contact
with
God.
Everything
else
then
begins
to
stem
from
that
experience.
So
let's
talk
about
the
first
step.
Without
going
into
much
of
my
story,
I
will
tell
you
that
I
came
to
you
in
1982
with
a
20
year
history
with
alcohol
and
13
years
with
drugs.
I
was
a
daily
drinker.
I
could
not
not
drink.
And
this
power
separated
me
from
alcohol
in
in
hindsight,
I
was
probably
three
years
sober
before
I
could
even
acknowledge
that
something
outside
of
myself
did
that
for
me.
You
see,
I've
worked
with
a
lot
of
people
and
and
I
had
the
same
experience.
I
really
thought
I
had
something
to
do
with
getting
to
you
all.
You
see,
I,
you
understand
what
I
just
said.
I
really
thought
I
had
something
to
do
with
getting
to
a
A
So
you
don't
go
along
and
drink
whiskey
for
20
years
and
all
of
a
sudden
bound
into
a
A1
day
because
you
chose
to.
That
was
about
the
love
of
God
in
my
life,
which
I
was,
you
know,
completely
asleep
to.
But
when
I
got
sober
in
82,
I
was
I
had
kidney
damage
and
liver
damage
and
some
brain
damage,
which
some
of
my
pals
contend
has
never
healed.
And
I
wait
about
260
lbs
and
everything
I
owned
would
fit
into
a
duffel
bag.
And
that's
how
I
drank.
This
idea
that
I'm
going
to
leave
your
life
if
you
don't
quit
drinking,
that
was
a
very
easy
choice
for
me,
Then
you
need
to
leave.
You
know,
the
employer
who
says
you're,
you're
missing
a
little
bit
of
work.
And
I
said,
yeah,
I'm
now
I'm
going
to
miss
a
whole
bunch
more.
See,
I
could
not
understand
why
I
worshipped
alcohol.
See,
I,
I
really
understand
the,
the,
the,
the
word
alcohol.
Become
my
master.
When
I
came
to
you
in
1982,
I
may
as
well
have
had
an
altar
in
my
home.
And
I
may
as
well.
I
had
a
lot
of
vodka
up
there
and
as
well
as
cocaine
and
I
may
as
well
have
kneeled
down
in
front
of
it
every
morning
and
said,
I
worship
you.
You
do
with
me.
As
you
will
see,
that's
that
was
the
God
of
my
life.
That
was
the
truth
of
my
life.
And
if
you're
a
real
alcoholic,
that
you're
true
too,
albeit
you
may
not
want
to
hear
that.
See,
if
you
want
to
know
who
you
serve,
look
at
your
actions.
So
for
20
years
I
served
king
alcohol.
That
was
my
God.
I
could
have
sat
and
talked
to
you
about
God
and
I
might
even
told
you
I
believed
in
God,
but
my
actions
set
a
whole
nother
thing.
One
of
the
things
I,
I
would
hope
you
pick
up
on
this
weekend.
If
you
really
want
to
know
what
you
believe
in,
look
at
your
actions.
Do
not,
I
repeat,
do
not
pay
any
attention
to
what
your
mind
tells
you.
See,
for
example,
if
you're
in
this
room
and
you've
been
sober
for
a
while
and
you're
not
working
with
meditation,
I
want
you
to
consider,
notice
how
gentle
I
was.
I
want
you
to
consider
that
just
possibly
that
maybe
you
don't
know
God,
but
that
you've
made
your
mind
God.
Because
if
you've
been
sober
for
a
while
and
you're
not
sitting
in
the
silence,
then
my
experience
is
I
can't
come
to
know
God
because
you
don't
come
to
know
God
with
your
mind.
You
come
to,
you
have
to
be
out
of
your
mind
and
know
God.
You
come
to
know
God
with
a
part
of
you
that
already
knows
God.
All
you
do
is
wake
up
to
that
part.
So
again,
as
I
go,
as
we
go
through
this
weekend,
if
you
want
to
know
what
you
believe
and
go
into
your
actions.
OK,
Now
how
does
that
relate
back
to
this
this
first
step
when
I
go
back
through
the
steps,
here's
how
I
approach
the
steps
every
time
I
begin
to
take
a
hard
look
at
01.
Last
thing
I
wanted
to
do
about
the
wonderful
disease
of
alcoholism
that
I
have,
these
were
chip
sales.
You
guys
do
chips
out
here,
right?
Right.
You
know,
they,
they
ask
who
has
a
desire
to
quit
drinking
and
you
lie
and
come
up
and
get
a
chip
or,
or
they
are
they,
or
they
say,
if
you'd
like
to
make
this
away
life
come
and
get
a
chip.
So
you
go
up
like,
you
know,
like
you
know
what
the
way
of
life
looks
like,
right?
So,
but
I
think
this
is
indicative
of,
I
think
this
is
very
indicative
of
what
happens
to
us
if
we
don't
follow
the
precise,
specific,
clear
cut
instructions
in
the
big
book
of
Alcoholics
Anonymous
about
how
to
recover.
But
they
sold
almost,
they
sold
21,296
desire
chips,
right?
Same
year
they
sold
56101
month
chips.
Boy
we
had
a
big
drop
out
right?
So
that's
we
went
from
100%
to
26.5.
He's
got
a
little
note.
These
are
for
people
who
didn't
rush
into
taking
the
steps.
Three
month
chips,
they
sold
3690
seven
17.3%.
So
those
who
went
to
90
meetings
in
90
days
out
of
22,000
only
3600
and
picked
up
90
day
chips.
One
year
chips
they
sold
14106.8%
go
out
to
a
five
year
chip.
Now
Dallas
has
2
million
people
in
it.
They
only
sold
five,
481
five
year
chips
in
a
city
of
2
million.
Then
you
go
down
to
a
tenure
chip.
They
sold
341,
one
point
6.
Now
I
have
18
years,
they
sold
141
chips.
You
can't
even
assign
a
percentage
to
that.
You
see,
this
is
a
deadly,
deadly
thing
that
we
have.
It
has
been
since
the
dawn
of
man
and
and
they're
still
dying.
They're
dying
all
around
us
in
the
first
step.
Connection
keeps
me
in
touch
with
that.
They
keep
me
in
touch
with
what
I
need
to
do
till
the
day
that
I
die.
That
I
must
always
have
God
first
and
foremost
in
my
life.
And
I
do
not
believe,
by
the
way.
By
the
way,
believe
in
God.
I
mean
conscious
contact
with
God.
See,
I
sit
here
right
now
and
I
say
to
you
that
as
I
am
talking
with
you,
I'm
experiencing
conscious
contact
with
with
God's
power,
which
is
love.
I
feel
it
in
every
cell
in
my
body.
See,
that's
the
kind
of
thing
that
a
guy
like
me
has
to
continually
experience
because
the
minute
that
leaves
me,
see
if
you
can
relate
to
this,
and
this
is
some
of
my
unmanageability.
The
minute
I
lose
that,
I
begin
to
feel
separate
from
you.
And
the
minute
I
begin
to
feel
separate
from
you,
I
begin
to
get
afraid.
I
begin
to
get
afraid
in
the
workplace
and
in
meetings
and
everywhere
I
go.
And
then
the
more
I
become
afraid,
the
more
I
begin
to
rely
on
self
in
the
middle
of
that
experience.
So
when
I'm
taking
a
look
at
my
first
step,
how
do
I
do
that?
I
go
back
into
the
Big
Book.
Excuse
me,
in
the
1st
33
pages
of
the
Big
Book
are
really
designed
to
look
into
one
thing.
When
you
take
a
drink
of
alcohol,
Mark,
do
you
lose
control?
See,
that's
how
smart
we
are.
33
pages
to
answer
that
question.
See
but
but
they
have
to
do
it
that
way.
You
know
why?
Because
we're
so
keen,
you
see,
about
not
wanting
to
give
him
alcohol.
Things
like,
you
know,
well,
I
didn't
get
drunk
every
time
I
drunk,
you
know
what
I
mean?
Just
every
way
in
the
world
that
we
want
to
go
out.
The
fact
that
I
don't
lose
control,
you
see.
And
those
33
pages
are
designed
to
live
me,
leave
me
with
one
truth.
And
for
me,
when
I
have
an
experience
with
a
phenomenon
of
craving
sober,
I
always
have
it
in
my
gut.
This
idea
that
when
I
take
a
drink,
do
I
lose
control?
This
idea
that
if
I
take
a
drink,
I
love
these
people
who
think
they
know
what's
going
to
happen
if
they
pick
up
a
drink.
See,
I
don't
have
a
clue
what
could
happen,
right?
I
don't
know
how
you
drank,
but
I
when
I
drink,
I
would
break
out
in
strange
places
that
are
a
long
ways
from
where
I
started
out
with
no
recall
of
how
I
got
there.
I
for.
So
for
someone
like
myself,
I
know
that
if
I
take
a
drink,
I
don't
have
a
clue
where
it's
going
to
end.
My
last
drink
last
a
year
and
a
half.
I
had
about
a
two
week
period.
This
woman
said,
you're
drinking
a
little
too
much
and
if
you
want
to
be
in
my
life.
And
so
I
went
about
two
weeks
and
I
was
just
nuttering
a
fruitcake
and
in
AI
remember
driving
up
to
Aspen,
Co
and
there
was
a
six
pack
of
Pat's
Blue
Ribbon
beer.
And
a
year
and
a
half
later,
I'm
in
a
treatment
center.
See,
so,
so
this
idea
that
I
can
pick
up
a
drink
and
make
it
back
to
AAI
don't
have
that
experience
because
when
I
take
a
drink,
the
drink
takes
me.
And
if
you
have
the
same
illness
I
have
from
a
physical
standpoint,
as
I
got
older,
it
required
more
and
more
alcohol
to
by
the
craving.
There's
a
statistic
which
says
that
people
who
have
10
years
or
more
who
relapse,
only
3%
make
it
back.
So
I
really
go
in
and
I
spend
some
time
in
those
33
pages
and
I
take
a
look
at
two
things.
One,
when
I
drank,
I
go
back
from
the
first
drink
to
the
last
drink
and
I
ask
God
to
show
me,
do
I
lose
control?
Do
I
experience
a
phenomenon
called
craving,
which
means
loss
of
control
based
on
my
experience.
See,
I'm
always
trying
to
look
at
this
from
a
standpoint
of
experience.
AA's
questions
do
not
beg
answers,
they
beg
experience.
What's
your
experience
more
when
you
take
a
drink?
Did
the
drink
take
you?
And
I
begin
to
see
from
the
first
drink
to
the
last
drink
the
progression
of
that
thing
called
the
phenomenon
called
of
craving.
And
I
touched
that
again
and
I
reexperienced
that
right
down
in
my
gut.
Most
of
the
time
when
I
go
back
through
the
steps
and
that
happened
this
time,
I
literally
can
taste
my
last
three
or
four
years.
I
mostly
drank
vodka.
I
could
literally
taste
vodka
when
I
go
back
through
and
have
this
experience
like
this.
And
every
time
I
go
back
through
and
have
this
experience,
I
begin
to
see
the
deeper
and
deeper
truth
about
me
and
this
incredible
relationship
with
alcohol
and
how
a
guy
like
me
has
absolutely
no
business
being
sober.
When
I
get
done
looking
at
the
body,
then
I
go
into
pages
23
to
43
of
the
Big
Book.
And
this
is
the
part
that
I've
yet
to
go
through
this
in
the
last
few
years
and
not
finish
this
work
and
break
down
crying.
Because
it's
in
the
pages
of
23
to
43
that
I
find
out
that
the
most
insane
thing
I
will
ever
do,
I
do
from
a
state
of
consciousness
called
sobriety.
And
at
the
time
I
do
it,
there's
nothing
I
can
do
to
not
do
it.
And
it
wakes
me
up
to
the
fact
that
I'm
sitting
here
sober
in
front
of
you
because
of
this
incredible
power.
See,
cause
in
those
pages
23
to
43,
they
are
talking
to
me
and
you
about
sober.
And
they're
trying
to
describe
different
states
of
mind
sober
in
which
I
go
back
and
pick
up
a
drink
and
they're
trying
to
ask
me
a
question.
Is
this
your
experience?
And
they
start
off
by
by
talking
about
the
idea
that,
that,
that
I
reach
a
place
in
my
drinking
where
the
most
powerful
desire
to
stop
is
of
no
avail.
See,
I
joked
about
that
earlier,
but
the
only
time
I
have
a
desire
to
stop
drinking
is
when
I'm
drinking.
See,
I
don't
fit
in
a
A
anymore
because
I
don't
have
a
desire
to
stop
drinking
because
I'm
not
drinking.
Isn't
that
a
paradox?
And
then
there's
this
idea
that
I've
lost
the
power
of
choice.
Now,
those
of
you,
there
may
be
some
of
you
in
this
room
who
believe
that
you're
getting
up
on
a
daily
basis,
choosing
to
not
drink.
And
if
you're
one
of
those
people,
I
beg
you
to
be
open
to
what
it
is
I
want
to
talk
to
you
about.
Because
the
truth
is,
if
you
had
that
power,
you
have
no
business
being
an
Alcoholics
Anonymous,
you
know,
recently
talking
and
this
lady's
talking
about
what
wonderful
people
drunks
are.
And
I
said
to
her,
did
somebody
drop
you
in
your
head?
Wonderful
people.
I
mean,
this
room
alone,
there's
probably
15,000
of
men's
wheel,
right?
And
we're
wonderful
people,
right?
I
mean,
who
would
want
to
be
a
member
of
this
group
if
you
didn't
have
to
be
See,
but
there's
this
idea
I've
lost
the
power
of
choice
and
drink
and
understand
that
this
part
of
the
book
is
talking
to
you
and
I
about
right
now.
I'm
sober
and
it
goes
on
and
tells
me
why
I've
lost
the
power
of
choice.
See,
power
of
choice
comes
from
will.
And
the
book
goes
on
to
say,
here's
your
problem.
There
are
times
when
your
will
from
which
choice
springs
is
completely
not.
It's
non
existent.
It
is
not
available
to
you.
And
here's
your
horrible
dilemma,
Mark.
You
don't
know
what
the
day
and
the
hour
and
the
time
looks
like
when
that's
going
to
happen
because
at
certain
times
you
have
no
effective
mental
defense
against
the
first
drink.
And
every
time
I
go
back
to
these
pages,
my
gut
begins
to
turn
and
turn.
And
I
begin
to
review
the
past
year,
and
I
look
at
the
number
of
times
I'm
in
situations
or
I'm
afraid
and
a
guy
like
me
would
be
drunk.
And
I'm
sitting
there
that
morning
looking
at
those
pages,
realizing
I'm
not
drunk
and
realizing
that
those
who
are,
those
are
the
times
in
which
my
will
was
not
available
because
I
have
a
long
history.
You
put
me
in
certain
situations.
I
only
know
one
thing
to
do
behind
that,
to
drink.
Yet
I
didn't
drink.
Did
I
have
anything
to
do
with
that?
Did
I?
No,
I
didn't
choose
to
do
that.
And
those
pages
talk
about
other
states
of
mind
that
you
and
I
drink
from.
They
talk
about
the
idea
that
I'll
have
no
effective
mental
defence
against
the
first
string.
They
talk
about
the
idea
that
I
cannot
think
through
the
drink.
Those
of
you
who
may
have
this
idea
of
thinking
through
the
drink,
you
can't
think
through
the
drink
if
your
will
is
not
available,
because
that's
where
the
thought.
And
it's
in
those
pages
also
that
talk
to
me
about
consequences
keep
me
from
drinking.
And
I
go
back
into
my
experience
and
I
begin
to
see
at
18
plus
years
the
truth
of
all
these
things
that
this
book
is
telling
me.
The
consequences
never
kept
me
from
drinking.
There
aren't
any
kind
of
consequences
that
keep
a
guy
like
me
from
drinking.
And
then
they
talk
about
self
knowledge.
Those
of
you
10
years
on
up,
boy,
do
we
have
self
knowledge,
right?
See
and
and
and
and
to
be
able
to
touch
the
fact
that
all
that
knowledge
that
at
a
certain
time
none
of
that's
available
in
Mark.
If
you're
not
in
fit
spiritual
condition
you're
going
to
drink
again.
You
remember
I
told
you
I
worked
with
relapsers
all
the
time
and
they
always
want
to
give
me
a
lot
of
reasons
why
they
drink.
But
the
big
book
says
there's
only
one
reason
anyone
of
us
will
ever
drink
again
and
only
one,
and
that
is
this.
I
was
not
in
fit
spiritual
condition.
The
part
I
missed
my
first
ten
years
in
AA
is
this.
Ladies
and
gentlemen,
I'm
responsible
for
fit
spiritual
condition,
not
God.
See
another
trap
I
fell
into
is
God
keeps
me
sober.
If
that
was
the
truth,
the
big
book
would
be
one
page.
It
would
say
God
keeps
you
sober,
have
a
great
life.
That
is
not
the
truth.
There's
174
pages,
30
of
them
have
you
take
a
whole
bunch
of
action,
write
a
whole
bunch
of
inventory,
make
decisions
that
they
tell
you
don't
make
any
decisions
the
first
year
except
just
turn
everything
in
your
life
over
to
God,
right?
And
then
go
make
all
these
immense
pay
these
money
back
and
then
do
these
disciplines
every
day,
right.
See
if
I
do
that,
I
stay
in
fit
spiritual
condition.
So
any,
if
any
of
you
in
this
room,
if
you've
had
any
relapse
history
at
all,
I
want
to
tell
you
that's
why,
because
you
were
not
in
fit
spiritual
condition.
And
the
book
by
then
is
described.
What
does
that
look
like?
You
see,
and
you
and
you,
you
keep
going
through
pages
23
to
43.
And
one
of
my
favorite
stories
is
Fred.
And
I'll
tell
you
why
it's
one
of
my
favorite
stories.
Because
the
day
he
picked
up
a
drink,
there
wasn't
a
cloud
in
the
horizon.
Now
we
we
know
cloud
in
the
horizon,
right?
See,
my
perception
at
that
moment
is
it
is
wonderful.
Isn't
life
grand?
And
Fred
picked
up
a
drink
at
that
point
in
time.
And
what
those
pages
have
always
done
for
me
is
they
describe
to
me
my
alcoholic
mind
and
his
what
sums
it
up?
It
says
at
certain
times,
and
I
don't
know
what
the
time
looks
like,
I'm
going
to
get
taken
to
a
strange
mental
blank
spot
and
I'm
going
to
drink.
And
there's
only
one
thing
that
will
ever
keep
me
from
picking
a
drink
when
I'm
in
that
strange
mental
blank
spot
fit
spiritual
condition
and
and
I
get
done
to
the
bottom
of
43
and
and
this
is
a
current
experience
with
this
once
more
Mark
at
certain
times
has
no
effective
mental
defense
against
the
first
drink.
It
must
come
from
God.
And
the
reason
I
always
start
crying
is
because
I
remember
the
number
of
times
in
the
last
year
in
which
I
was
not
at
Fitz
Ridge
condition
and
I
hadn't
drank.
And
I
woke
again
to
this
incredible
love
and
grace
and
glory
that
I
had
once
again
fallen
asleep
to.
As
I
watch
these
people,
I
drink
and
go
off
the
page
and
you
touch
that
again
and
you
go,
my
God,
you
know,
this
ego
that
takes
the
best
of
us
at
times
really
likes
to
think
it
has
something
to
do
with
me
not
drinking
whiskey,
see?
And
you
touch
that
again.
You
touch
that
that's
current.
That's
not
18
1/2
years
ago,
see?
Make
you
cry
like
a
baby.
When
you
start
to
understand
that,
you
know,
then
every
time
it
does
one
of
the
thing
for
me,
everything
at
that
moment
I
thought
was
important
and
was
pissing
me
off
evaporates
because
I
lost
sight
of
what
is
this.
This
is
Mark,
this
is
about
you
and
God
and
what
God
is
doing.
So
you
didn't
drink
in
this
last
year,
See?
And
you
touch
that
again,
and
you
touch
that
grace
and
that
power
you
see
in
that
incredible
love
in
the
middle
of
that
experience.
And
that's
what
a
current
first
step
experience
is,
length
away
from
a
drink.
All
that
is
stripped
in
the
face
of
that.
And
you're
sitting
there
having
a
brand
new
experience
with
this
first
step
again.
And
it'll
move
you
to
a
place
of
humility
and
an
annoying
of
God
at
a
deeper
level
than
you
had
before.
And
on
an
awakening
to
what
that
which
you
we
take
so
for
granted,
this
incredible
love
and
this
power
of
God
in
our
life.
I'll
let
Dave
talk
for
a
while
about
the
first
step.
Thanks,
Mark.
Dave,
alcoholic.
And
before
I
forget,
is
Bart
in
the
back
someplace?
All
right.
Is
somebody
at
the
table
back
there?
Could
you
find
a
basket
so
we
can
do
the
7th
tradition?
Could
you
get
a
basket
of
some
kinds?
We
can
do
a
7th
tradition
thing
when
we
talk
about
the
first
step.
At
least
when
I
talk
about
the
first
step,
God
has
also
shown
his
pleasure
upon
me
because
I
call
them
retreads,
which
is
really.
But
for
the
grace
of
God,
there
go
I,
I,
I
get
a
lot
of
guys
that
are
multiple
relapsers
and
they
are
a
challenge.
They
work,
they,
they,
they,
they
make
your
work
that
much
harder.
I
much
rather
get
a
guy
who's
his
first
time
off
the
street.
He's
really
hurting,
man.
Those
guys,
they
go
through
and,
and
the
guys
that
slip
and,
and
keep
slipping
and
keep
slipping.
They're
the
tough
ones.
Gene,
how
how
long
ago
was
it
that
guy
from
Morristown
off
to
himself?
Yeah,
we
just
had
to
get
less
than
a
month
ago,
he
10
years
sober,
laid
down
in
front
of
a
train.
What
we're
talking
about
is
life
and
death
here,
folks,
right?
That
hopelessness
that
I
just
touched
inside
you,
the
invoked
that
reaction.
I
was
intending
to
do
that.
And
that's
what
I
do
when
I
work
with
first
step.
That's
what
I
do
with
myself.
That's
what
I
do
with
you.
If
I
were
going
to
12
step
this
group,
you
people
have
way,
way,
way,
way
too
much
knowledge
about
what's
in
this
book.
I
got
to
figure
out
a
way
to
hit
you
with
the
knowledge
that's
in
this
book.
It's
going
to
hit
you
from
a
completely
different
direction.
And
I
describe
it,
I
imagine
slapping
a
guy
upside
the
head.
I
try
to
slap
him
with
his
hopelessness.
I
want
to
reach
it
and
I
do
it
with
love,
not
to
hurt
him,
but
to
get
his
attention,
to
cut
through
that
alcoholic
delusion
because
that's
what's
going
to
motivate
him
to
continue
in
this
process.
If
I
don't
slap
you
with
your
hopelessness
and
show
you
how
truly
hopeless
you
are,
you're
going
to
Peter
out.
You're
not
going
to
finish
or
you're
not
going
to
finish
your
immense,
you
will
run
out
of
steam.
It's
happened.
I'm
sure
there's
people
in
this
room
that
it's
happened
to.
You
get
you
have
100
of
men's
and
you
do
98
of
them
and
then
you
kind
of
go,
so
that's
good
enough.
I'll
do
it
next
round.
You
know,
that
kind
of
deal
or
you,
you
do,
you
do
your
resentment
inventory,
you
do
your
fear
inventory
and
you
start
the
sex
inventory
and
you
kind
of
Peter
out.
Next
thing
you
know,
you
go
get
in
a
relationship.
You
know,
it's
much
easier
to
go
create
another
one
than
to
write
the
inventory
on
the
old
ones.
You
know
that
kind
of
deal.
You
know,
the
alcoholic
has
to
be
hopeless
and
the
old
days
Bill
Wilson
and
Bob
were
were
working
with
these
guys.
They
were
hardcore
guys.
They've
been
really
hurt.
We
get
people
walking
through
the
door
that
are
court
mandated
that
aren't
aren't
hurt.
You
know,
they're
really
not
in
that
much
that
pain
and
a
a
comes
of
age
199
says
the
character
of
a
a
was
changing.
We
were
beginning
to
have
success
with
milder
Alcoholics
and
even
some
potential
Alcoholics.
Isn't
that
interesting
word
potential
alcoholic
All
right.
In
the
first
years,
those
who
sobered
up
in
AA
grim
and
utterly
hopeless
cases
almost
without
exception.
But
now
younger
folks
began
to
appear.
Of
course
it
was
necessary
for
these
newcomers
to
hit
bottom
emotionally,
but
they
found
they
did
not
have
to
hit
every
possible
bottom
there
was.
In
order
to
admit
they
were
licked.
We
had
to
begin
to
develop
a
conscious
technique
of
raising
the
bottom
and
hitting
them
with
it.
So
that's
what
I'm
talking
about.
I'm
going
to
slap
the
guy
with
his
bottom.
I'm
going
to
be
the
brightest
mirror
he's
ever
looked
into,
and
he's
going
to
see
exactly
what
he
is,
all
of
his
warts,
and
I'm
just
going
to
shine
it
right
at
him
with
the
spirit
of
love,
and
he's
going
to
look
back
into
that
and
it's
going
to
scare
the
hell
out
of
him.
I
hope
he's
quaking
in
his
boots
and
he
cries
out
for
mercy
because
then
I
know
he'll
finish
his
amends
and
he'll
get
free.
What
is
the
12th
step?
Having
had
a
spiritual
awakening,
that
means
our
spirit
has
to
be
asleep
if
we're
going
to
awaken
it
with
the
12
steps,
right?
What
do
we
need?
We
need
a
conscious
contact
with
God
in
order
to
be
conscious.
You
can't
be
unconscious,
you
have
to
be
awake.
That's
the
whole
point.
We
have
to
use
the
12
steps
to
waken
ourselves
up
so
that
we
can
plug
into
the
power.
And
I
tell
the
guy
that
when
I
start
out
down
this
path,
and
how
do
I
do
that?
If
I
were
going
to
12
step,
you
guys,
I
would
hit
you
just
like
we're
talking.
I
would
not
go
into
the
book
because
that's
what
your
ego
wants.
You
know,
it's
in
the
book.
The
moment
I
start
going
of
the
book,
it's
going
to
challenge
you.
You
know,
you're
going
to
start
saying,
Oh,
I
know
that.
I
know
which
page
this
is.
I
know
that
paragraph
and
you
can
probably
quote
it
to
me.
But
when
I
sit
down
and
I
say,
what
is
the
first
step?
Everybody
goes,
well,
we
admitted
we
were
palace
around
calling
our
lives
become
unmanageable.
And
I
break
it
down
word
by
word.
Who's
the
we?
And
they
get
this
look
on
their
face.
You
know,
I
just
did
this
not
to
well,
three
days
ago
with
a
guy
who
was,
I
think
he's
14
years
sober.
And
he
looked
at
me
like
I
had
a
big
eyeball
right
here
in
my
forehead.
He
goes,
well,
what
do
you
mean?
Who's
the
way?
And
I
said,
well,
do
you
understand
what
we're
working
with?
I
said,
if
you're
going
to
work
with
me,
you're
going
to
become
a
linguistics
expert,
you're
going
to
know
what
it
means.
You're
going
to
know
what
if
means.
You're
going
to
know
what
the
meanings
of
these
words
are.
Who
is
the
we?
And
he
goes,
I
never
thought
about
it.
And
then
we
talk
about
when
you
come
into
a,
a,
the
we
is
the
first
person
that
sticks
their
hand
out,
accepts
your
hand.
That's
what
you're
hanging
your
hope
on.
They're
the
little
teeny
dot
of
light
in
this
dark
tunnel
that
your
life
has
become.
And
you
grab
a
hold
of
that
and
you
hang
on
for
dear
life.
And
then
they
bring
you
into
the
fellowship,
right?
You
start
coming
in,
you
having
coffee
and
you
get
become
a
member
of
a
group.
Guess
what
happened?
You're
we
changed,
it
got
bigger.
We
is
a
changing
word.
If
your
we
is
still
me
and
a
a
you're
missing
something.
Your
we
has
got
to
change
in
a
A
and
then
it
becomes
who
you
and
your
sponsor
and
your
Home
group.
All
right,
And
then
it's
you
and
your
sponsor
and
your
Home
group
and
your
sponses.
God
willing,
you
get
some
because
they're
going
to
save
your
life.
If
you
don't
have
them,
go
get
some,
you
know,
And
then
all
of
a
sudden
the
miracle
happens.
You
and
your
sponsors,
you
start
working
through
the
steps.
You
have
a
spiritual
awakening
as
you
start
doing
an
inventory
and
you
go
from
two-dimensional
on
this
plane
we
to
a
three-dimensional
way.
It's
you
and
your
meaning
and
your
Home
group
and
your
sponsor
and
the
A's
and
your
working
guys
you're
working
with
and
God.
And
over
time,
the
longer
you're
sober,
you
have
to
start
weaning
yourself
off
the
dependency
on
the
sponsor
and
the
dependency
on
all
the
fingers
like
Mark
was
talking
about
that
point
to
the
power
and
your
we
has
to
change
to
me
and
God
and
whatever
God
wants
me
to
do.
And
if
that's
working
with
newcomers,
it's
working
with
newcomers.
If
that's
being
in
service,
it's
being
in
service.
You
know,
if
it's
shaving
your
head
and
becoming
a
monk
in
Dharamsala,
then
go
shave
your
head
and
become
a
monk
in
Dharamsala.
You
know
the
we
has
to
change.
All
right,
Second
word
admitted.
What's
the
admission?
Right.
We
have
to
admit
that
we're
powerless
over
alcohol.
It's
logical.
But
where
does
the
admission
have
to
take
place?
You've
all
seen
it.
Guy
comes
walking
into
an
A
meeting.
Oh,
yeah,
I
know.
I'm
alcoholic.
Where's
his
admission?
Where
does
the
problem
reside?
It's
in
his
head.
He
knows
he's
alcoholic.
In
his
head.
Where
does
it
have
to
be
has
to
be
in
his
heart
deep
down
within
him,
as
the
book
says.
All
right,
he's
got
admitted
in
here,
right?
He
admitted
what,
that
he's
powerless.
What
kind
of
powerless?
We
talk
about
the
powerlessness,
the
the
three
pieces
of
disease,
the
physical
powerless
of
of
craving.
Well,
folks,
if
you're,
if
you're
longer
than
72
hours
from
a
drink,
I
guarantee
you,
you
can't
have
craving.
And
I've
been
in
dozens
of
meetings
where
old
timers
30
years
sober.
Anybody
have
a
problem
with
drinking
today?
And
I
go,
you
know,
I
had
a
craving
for
alcohol
today
and
he's
30
years
sober.
Look
at
him
gone.
God
doesn't
even
understand
step
one.
You
know,
you
can't
have
a
craving
if
you
don't
put
alcohol
in
the
body.
All
right,
Mental
obsession
is
what
he
had.
That's
the
second
piece,
right?
He's
thinking
about
the
drink,
which
means
he's
got
something
that
he
cannot
control.
The
hamsters
on
the
wheel,
you
know
it's
running
and
he
can't
get
it
off,
right?
A
lot
of
people
come
to
a
A
for
that.
A
A
is
their
filling
station.
Their
hamster
gets
on
the
wheel
and
when
they
can't
take
it
anymore
they
run
in
and
they
fill
up
their
emotional
gas
tank
in
a
A.
They
dump
their
problems.
They
don't
pick
up
any
solution,
they
just
dump.
It
becomes
a
dumping
ground
and
they
run
off
until
tomorrow
and
then
they
come
running
back
in
and
dump
this
current
set
of
problems
and
then
they
go.
And
often
times
it's
the
same
thing
over
and
over
again.
All
right,
I
am
a
recovered
Ed
alcoholic.
Why?
Because
of
the
forward
to
the
1st
edition.
I
have
recovered
from
a
hopeless
state
of
mind,
mental
obsession.
I
don't
have
it
anymore.
And
body
physical
craving.
I
haven't
had
a
drink
in
almost
20
years.
How
can
alcohol
be
my
problem
if
I
haven't
touched
it
for
all
these
years?
Must
mean
there's
a
third
piece.
And
that's
the
spirit
melody.
All
right,
A
lot
of
people
have
been
asking
lately.
I
don't
know
why
they
don't
know
where
the
expression's
spiritual
malady
comes
from.
And
it
comes
from
the
4th
step.
When
the
spiritual
malady
is
overcome,
we
straighten
out
mentally
and
physically.
All
right,
so
back
to
step
one.
We
admitted
we
were
powerless.
Well,
what's
my
powerless
business?
My
powerlessness
is
before
I
take
the
drink,
the
mental
obsession.
When
I
take
the
drink,
the
physical
craving.
And
even
if
it's
twenty
years
later
and
I'm
not
mentally
obsessing,
I've
put
the
drink
down.
I
don't
even
think
about
it
anymore.
There's
one
piece
that,
according
to
this
book,
gets
worse,
never
better.
That
means
in
a
a
folks,
it's
getting
worse
and
it
will
continue
to
get
worse.
All
right.
And
to
do
this,
I
have
to
put
the
mic
down.
All
right,
So
bear
with
me
if
you
guys
can't
see
I'm
holding
up
my
fingers.
All
right,
when
you
come
into
a
a
all
right,
this
is
your
disease
and
this
is
your
spirituality.
You
start
at
the
same
starting
line,
all
right,
then
you
start
down
the
path
and
hopefully
you're,
if
you're,
if
your
spirituality
grows
an
inch,
guess
what,
you're
a
disease
grew
an
inch
and
that
same
time
period,
but
there's
the
same
size.
So
they
offset
each
other,
they
cancel
each
other
out.
All
right,
guess
what
happens
if
you
keep
going?
Your
spirituality
grows
and
your
disease
continues
to
grow.
And
then
all
of
a
sudden
you
get
a
retread.
What
happens
to
him?
Oop,
his
disease
gets
worse.
There
goes
his
spirituality.
But
where
is
his
disease?
It's
the
same
height
he's
starting
with
from
dead
0
spirituality,
but
his
disease
is
still
2
inches
tall.
And
then
he
starts
eating
again
and
the
disease
continues
to
grow.
If
you're
going
to
stay
in
a
A,
you
got
to
continue
to
grow
spiritually.
What
I
did
when
I
was
a
newcomer,
you
know,
don't
drink
and
go
to
meetings
worked.
And
then
it's
don't
drink
and
go
to
meetings
and
talk
to
somebody
else
and
don't
drink
and
go
to
meetings
and
call
your
sponsor
and
and
make
coffee.
All
of
those
are
little
baby
spiritual
experiences
and
they
offset
my
spiritual
growth.
Today.
I
get
up
and
I
spend
an
hour
in
the
morning
with
God.
I
read
9
spiritual
books
every
single
morning.
And
then
I
go
on
to
prayer
and
meditation
and
I
meditate
and
then
I
pick
up
something
else.
And
it's
growing
and
I'm
changing
and
my
experience
is
growing
and
changing
because
you
know
what?
My
disease
is
still
growing.
It's
getting
worse,
never
better.
I
believe
what
this
book
says.
So
we
admitted
we
were
powerless
over
alcohol.
Dash.
What
is
the
dash
mean?
I
went
back
and
looked
it
up
in
a
dictionary.
It
means
a
continuation
of
thought.
So
the
peace
that
comes
after
the
dash
applies
to
the
first
half.
It's
a
continuation
of
that
same
thought.
I
admit
it.
I'm
powerless
over
alcohol,
that
my
life
is
unmanageable.
The
unmanageability
applies
to
my
life.
So
my
powerlessness
today
has
nothing
to
do
with
alcohol
except
that
it
has
to
do
with
alcohol.
I
haven't
had
a
drink
in
20
years.
So
that's
not
the
application.
It's
the
unmanageability
of
the
application.
And
we
got
3
great
examples
of
spiritual
and
manageability
in
the
book.
You
got
page
8
of
Bill's
story
where
he
talks
about
the
bitter
morass
of
self
pity.
And
he
talks
about
the
the
quicksand
stretched
around
me
in
all
directions.
That's
a
great
description.
And
you
go
to
page
151.
Great
number.
I
love
151,
you
know,
and
on
151
they
talk
about
the
hideous
4
horsemen.
You
know,
that
describes
me
at
at
at
10
years
sober.
Let's
since
we
got
the
books,
let's
all
jump
to
page
151.
Let's
take
a
look
at
it
all
right.
151
colon
2
The
less
people
tolerated
us
and
the
more
we
we
withdrew
from
society,
from
life
itself.
As
we
became
subjects
of
king
alcohol,
shivering
denizens
of
his
mad
realm,
the
chilling
vapor
that
his
loneliness
settle
down,
it
thickened,
ever
becoming
blacker.
Some
of
us
sought
out
soared
places,
hoping
to
find
understanding
and
compassion,
chip
and
approval.
Momentarily
we
did,
and
then
would
come
oblivion
in
the
awful
awakening
to
the
hideous
4
horsemen.
Terror,
bewilderment,
frustration
and
despair.
Anybody
felt
that
this
week
in
their
lives?
Anybody
worked
for
AT&T?
It's
time
to
take
a
look
at
it.
All
right,
unhappy
drinkers
who
read
this
page
will
understand
now
and
then
a
serious
drinker
being
dry
at
the
moment.
This
is
me,
a
10
year
sober.
I
don't
miss
it
at
all.
I
feel
better,
I
work
better,
I'm
having
a
better
time.
As
ex
problem
drinkers,
we
smile
at
such
a
Sally.
We
know
our
friend
is
like
a
boy
whistling
in
the
dark,
keeping
up
his
spirits.
He
fools
himself.
And
here's
the
catch.
Inwardly,
he
would
give
anything
to
take
a
half
dozen
drinks
and
get
away
with
them.
If
I
could
have
gotten
away
with
them,
if
I
could
have,
my
ego
could
have
built
a
picture
that
I
could
get
away
with.
Nobody
would
find
out
I
would
have
been
drinking.
The
only
thing
I
believe
that
kept
me
sober
was
the
fact
that
my
ego
was
so
huge.
I
knew
I
couldn't
come
back
here
a
second
time
because
I
didn't
have
that
much
humility.
So
it
was
much
easier
to
blow
my
head
off.
You
know,
that
was
me
10
years
sober.
He
will
presently
try
the
old
game
again,
for
he
isn't
happy
about
his
sobriety.
He
cannot
picture
life
without
alcohol.
Someday
he
will
be
unable
to
imagine
life
either
with
or
without
alcohol.
Then
he
will
know
loneliness
as
as
few
do.
He
will
be
at
the
jumping
off
place.
He
will
wish
for
the
end.
And
then
the
classic,
classic,
classic.
Description
is
on
page
52
for
Spiritual
and
manageability.
52
colon
2
Answer
these
questions
everybody
to
yourself.
Are
you
having
trouble
with
personal
relationships?
Has
anybody
in
your
life
in
the
last
week
or
two
said,
you
know,
you
really
disagreeable,
you're
kind
of
grumpy
what's
wrong
with
you
today?
You
know,
if
you
got
any
arguments
with
anybody
had
disagreements,
yelled
and
didn't
have
to
go
back
with
your
tail
between
your
legs
and
say
if
if
you
go
back
and
say
you're
sorry,
you
know,
we
can't
control
our
emotional
natures.
Been
driving
down
the
highway
and
swearing
at
the
little
Gray
haired
lady
that
pulled
out
in
front
of
you
minding
her
own
business.
I
mean,
yes,
she
was
doing
25
and
a
55,
but
it's
her
lane,
you
know,
That
never
effects
me.
By
the
way,
just
so
you
know,
I
used
to
judge
my
sobriety
by
how
many
times
in
a
month
I'd
have
my
car
literally
airborne.
I
have
driven
down
the
sidewalk.
I
know
I
used
to
drive
behind
the
concrete
barriers
and
the
workers,
you
know,
bailing
out.
I'm
not
proud
of
that.
But
that's
me
at
8
years
sobriety.
You
know,
I'll
never
forget
to
look
at
my
wife's
face
riding
down
Route
80.
I
the
car
was
airborne.
I
went
behind
the
concrete
barriers.
And
then
the
reason
there
were
barriers
was
there
was,
there
was
a
like
a
crevasse.
They
were
working
on
the
bridge
and
slammed
on
the
brakes.
It
was
in
the
middle
of
a
rainstorm.
And
we
came
to
the
screeching
halt
and
I'd
gone
between
two
of
those
plastic
barriers
and
knocked,
folded
the
side
mirrors
down
on
both
sides
of
the
car.
That's
how
narrow
the
hole
was
that
I
went
through.
And
I
was
only
doing
about
80
miles
an
hour
at
the
time
and
a
driving
rainstorm.
And
she
looked
over
at
me
and
she
goes,
was
that
necessary?
Alan?
Odds
just
don't
understand.
We're
having
trouble
with
our
emotional
natures.
All
right,
pray
to
misery
and
depression.
Anybody
in
here
and
depressed
anybody
on,
you
know,
having
problems
with
their
medication,
you
know,
and
I'm
not
making
fun
of
that,
but
there's
some
people
that
have
a
have
a
need
for
that.
There's
other
people
that
run
to
their
doctor
and
get
put
on
that
stuff
without
ever
even
attempting
12
steps
to
have
a
spiritual
awakening
to
find
out
misery
and
depression
is
a
primary
characteristic
of
an
alcoholic
and
most
of
us
are
ADD
yes
where
most
of
us
have
that
characteristic
as
well.
Try
having
a
spiritual
experience
as
well
as
the
Zoloft
or
the
Paxil
or
the
whatever
else
that's
floating
around.
If
that's
your
problem,
you
know,
it's
it's
prey
to
misery
and
depression.
It's
one
of
our
characteristics
that
our
ego
is
rebuilding.
And
if
you're
having
trouble
and
they
got
doctor
keeps
having
to
tweak
your
medicine
and
shift
from
one
to
the
next,
hmm,
maybe
he's
putting
a
Band-Aid
on
something,
then
the
problem
lies
somewhere
else.
Maybe
it's
your
spiritual
malady
growing
and
you
need
spiritual
work.
All
right,
we're
pray
to
misery
and
depression.
We
couldn't
make
a
living.
It
doesn't
mean
we
can't
earn
money.
When
we
got
in
the
doors
of
a
A,
we
had
wanted
one
thing
and
one
thing
only.
God,
if
you
get
me
sober,
I'll
do
whatever
you
want.
Well,
guess
what?
He
got
you
sober.
So
how's
your
life?
You
got
a
house,
you
got
a
car,
you
have
your
health.
How
you
feeling
about
that?
Are
you
grateful
to
the
tips
of
your
toes
or
you
still
wanting
the
rays
and
you're
bitching
because
your
boss
made
you
work
on
a
weekend
and
you're
upset
because
she
didn't
fold
your
underwear
right
when
she
put
it
in
the
drawer?
Or,
or
that
that,
my
God,
your
tax
refund
from
the
president
hasn't
shown
up
yet
and
you
want
to
go
out
and
buy
whatever
it
is
that
you
want
to
buy.
You
know
all
that's
gravy.
You
know
what
are
you
doing
with
the
living
that
God
gave
you?
He
gave
you
all
the
tools,
12
spiritual
tools
and
the
sobriety.
How
you
doing
with
that?
Are
you
grateful
or
are
you
still
bitching
and
complaining
like
you
never
got
sobriety?
We
were
full
of
fear
applies
to
most
of
us.
We
were
unhappy.
We
couldn't
seem
to
be
of
real
help
to
other
people.
You
know,
this
is
a
classic
place
to
check
yourself.
So
the
second-half
of
step
one
that
your
lives
have
become
unmanageable.
Compare
it
to
these
three
sections
of
the
book.
Honestly,
that's
what
I
do
with
the
guys
and
that's
what
I
do
with
myself.
And
I
start
the
entire
premise
every
single
time
I
go
through
this
work
with
the
hope
that
maybe
I'm
wrong,
maybe
I'm
in
the
wrong
place.
I
start
the
premise.
Maybe
I'm
not
alcoholic
and
that
evidence
is
overwhelming
when
I
go
through
and
all
of
a
sudden,
by
the
time
I
get
done,
I'm
like,
Mark,
you
know,
don't
make
the
mistake.
I
worked
with
a
guy
about
two
weeks
ago
or
three
weeks
ago,
I
guess,
and
I
said,
well,
who
took
it?
He's,
I
don't
know,
eight
years
sober,
I
guess.
Maybe
he's
even
longer.
Maybe
he's
14
years
sober.
I
forget.
He's
in
the
room.
I'll
ask
him
later.
I
won't
break
his
anonymity,
though.
I
said
who
took
you
through
the
first
three
steps?
And
he
said,
oh,
I
did.
I
don't
take
myself
through
the
first
three
steps
when
I
go
through
this
work.
I
sit
down
and
people
have
a
tendency
to
look
at
me
as
the
teacher.
And
no,
no,
my
feet
are
clay.
I
screw
up.
I
still
lie
and
cheat
and
do
the
things
that
I
do
not
anywhere
near
as
much,
but
I
still
make,
I
embellish
my
stories
and
that
kind
of
kind
of
deal.
I'm
not
perfect.
I'm
just
another
drunk
among
drunks.
And
what's
my
worst
character?
The
same
thing.
And
let
me
let
me
clear
something
else
and
then
I'll
shut
up
because
I'm
going
over
alcoholic
do
not
have
denial.
All
right.
And
if
that
rocks
your
boat,
let
me
explain
something.
The
book
does
not
say
Alcoholics
have
denial.
Alcoholics
have
delusion.
It's
a
complete
different.
Animal
denial
is
what
Al
Anons
have,
you
know,
right?
They
talk
about
the
pink
elephant
in
the
living
room
and
they
just
pretend
it's
not
there
and
they
walk
around
it
and
it's
no,
there's
no
elephant
there.
And
they
just
put
in
their
heart
of
hearts,
they
know
there's
a
pink
elephant
in
the
living
room.
All
right,
Alcoholics,
we
have
delusion.
Our
ego
grabs
a
hold
of
our
mind
where
the
problem
resides
and
builds
a
picture
that
says
it's
OK
to
take
that
next
drink.
That
stove
is
not
going
to
burn
you
this
time.
You
could
pass
a
light
at
the
moment
the
liquor
is
going
down
through
the
lips
and
across
your
tongue.
If
they
hooked
you
up
to
a
lie
detector
test,
you
would
pass
it
with
flying
colors
because
you
believe
this
time
it's
not
going
to
hurt
me.
That
is
delusion
and
you
have
no
protection
against
it.
You
on
your
own
power
cannot
save
yourself.
Sorry.
So
you
better
be
surrounded
by
other
people.
So
if
you
look
at
me
and
say
you
took
yourself
through
the
first
three
steps,
the
delusion
flag
goes
up
and
I
go,
well,
we'll
see.
And
then
he
got
angry
at
me
because
I
closed
the
book.
I
took
him
through
like
we
were,
I
took
you
through.
He
had
an
expectation.
He's
like,
why
aren't
you
going
to
take
me
through
page
by
page?
And
I
said,
absolutely
not
because
your
knowledge
is
going
to
kill
you.
And
when
we
walked
out,
we
had,
I
don't
know
about
him,
but
there
was
times
when
I
was
weeping
and
I
had
had
a
spiritual
experience.
And
anytime
I
do
step
work
after
I've
done
it
with
somebody,
I
go
home
and
I
do
a
quiet
hour
because
I
knew
God
better
by
looking
into
his
mirror
and
seeing
my
reflection.
I
could
see
where
I
had
been
deluded
and
how
I
thought
I
knew
what
step
one
was
all
about.
We
need
each
other
up
we
back
to
the
beginning
of
step
one.
We
need
each
other.
There's
another
concept
of
how
we
has
changed.
So
that's
just
a
little
bit
of
a
take
on
step
one.
You
know,
there's
a
lot
of
pages
on
step
one.
There's
a
reason
for
that.
You
damn
well
better
understand
step
one
and
you
better
be
able
to
make
the
connection
from
step
one
to
each
of
the
other
steps.
And
we're
going
to
continue
to
bring
it
back
the
rest
of
this
weekend.
Drag
you
back
kicking
and
screaming
back
to
step
one
and
then
launch
you
into
the
4th
dimension.
Speaking
of
the
4th
dimension,
does
anybody
know
what
the
4th
dimension
of
exist?
What
are
the
1st
3
dimensions?
Everybody
ever
asking
that?
I
usually
ask
the
guys
what
are
the
1st
3
dimensions
and
they
kind
of
look
at
me
like
I'm
insane,
you
know?
All
right,
I
had
to
go
look
it
up.
To
be
honest
with
you,
I
didn't
know
what
they
were.
I'd
heard
all
kinds
of
things.
The
physical
dimensions
are
height,
length,
and
width.
Dimensions
of
time
are
past,
present,
and
future.
The
mental
dimensions
are
thought,
perception,
and
feeling.
But
that's
not
what
we're
talking
about.
We're
talking
about
physical
properties
of
mass,
length,
and
time.
There
are
physical
properties.
The
4th
dimension
by
default,
when
you're
talking
about
physics,
is
the
spiritual
dimension.
Our
goal
is
to
be
have
a
spiritual
awakening
as
what
a
result?
A
direct
result
of
the
12
steps
so
that
we
can
wake
up,
be
conscious
when
we
plug
our
plug
into
the
power
of
God
and
be
rocketed
into
the
spiritual
dimension.
A
conscious
contact
of
God
as
our
own
concept.
And
anytime
I
talk
about
God
this
weekend,
I'm
talking
about
whatever
your
concept
is.
And
if
you
don't
believe
in
God,
that's
your
concept.
And
I
can
work
with
that
because
I
will
drag
you
through
the
delusion
and
we'll
find
the
answers
together.
Thanks
for
letting
me
share.
Continuing
on
with
this
first
step
experience,
if
any
of
us
were
to
drink
tonight
or
in
the
next
few
days,
I
hope
you
all
have
a
sense
of
awareness
that
you're
going
to
drink
from
the
current
state
of
consciousness
that
you're
now
experiencing.
You're
not
going
to
drink
from
something
you
didn't
15
years
ago.
So
as
as
we
talk
about
this
thing
called
the
spirituality,
I
would
ask
each
of
you
to
get
present
with
what
what
with
where
your
life
is
right
now
in
relationship
to
this.
Because
see,
there
there's
a
line
in
in
in
that
we've
talked
about
and
there's
a
unity
Yang
to
virtually
every
promise
in
the
big
book
or
statement.
When
the
spirituality
is
overcome,
I
straighten
out
mentally
and
physically.
So
that's
a
promise.
But
what's
the
warning?
The
warning
is
the
implication
is
if
the
spirituality
is
not
overcome,
I
will
not
straighten
out
mentally,
meaning
that
the
thought
of
a
drink
will
come
in.
I'll
have
no
mental
defense
and
I
have
and
I'll
pick
up
a
drink.
So
I
want
you
to
consider
something.
The
problem
is
not
a
physical
crave
in
the
body
and
the
problem
is
not
a
mental
obsession.
The
problem
is
a
spiritual
malady
which
makes
me
so
dis
eased
that
I
my
mind
says
to
me,
Mark,
I
know
what
will
make
this
go
away
is
a
drink.
See
another
belief
system
I
had
to
get
rid
of
is
that
alcohol
was
my
problem
because
it
wasn't,
it
was
my
solution.
And
later
on
our
big
book
says
that
alcohol
is
but
a
symptom.
And
I
used
to
put
all
this
focus
on
alcohol
as
a
problem.
And
I
thought
to
myself,
well
Mark,
if
it
was
a
problem,
normally
when
you
have
a
problem
after
service
is
2/3
times
you
take
a
different
course
of
action
it
goes.
But
that
isn't
what
I
did
with
alcohol.
I
kept
going
back
to
alcohol
time
and
time
again
and
I
begin
to
realize
something.
Alcohol
was
my
solution
to
what
to
this
thing
called
the
spirituality.
Meaning
that
in
some
of
the
words
he
used,
David
used
to
describe
this.
This
is
how
it
might
feel.
If
you're
sitting
here
tonight,
you
feel
restless.
OK,
you
know
what
that
means,
right?
Guys
popping
up
and
down
meetings
and
you,
you're
sitting
down,
you
going
to
listen
to
someone
and
you
can't,
you
can't
focus
and
you
can't
cut.
You're
restless,
right?
Irritable.
Irritable
means
you
are
easily
annoyed.
We
have
any
people
in
here
who
are
easily
annoyed
today,
right?
Discontent.
See,
discontent
means
I'm
never
satisfied.
See,
spiritual
living
is
am
I
totally
at
peace
with
the
way
it
is?
You
see,
Am
I
totally
at
peace
with
the
way
it
is?
If
you're
not
totally
at
peace
with
the
way
it
is,
then
you
have
discontent.
IE
I
need
a
newer
car,
a
better
home,
blah
blah.
I
don't
care
how
it
plays
out.
Those
are
three
words.
Look
at
your
life
today,
this
week,
in
those
areas.
Then
those
other
areas
that
David
talked
about,
they
call
him
the
Bedevilments.
Where
is
it
today
with
personal
relationships?
How
about
the
one
with
yourself?
From
whence
all
the
rest
Spring?
How
do
you
talk
to
yourself
not
to
forget
others?
How
do
you
talk
to
yourself?
How'd
you
talk
to
yourself
today?
How'd
you
treat
yourself
today?
You
still
sit
in
judgment
of
yourself,
you
see.
How
are
you
taking
care
of
yourself?
What's
your
relationship
like
with
yourself?
Do
you
allow
yourself
time
for
God?
Do
you
get
adequate
rest,
blah
blah
blah.
Then
look
at
the
relationships
around
you,
right?
If
you're
in
a
relationship
with
a
significant
other,
how
is
that?
What
is
the
truth
of
that?
See,
can
I,
can
I
really
be
myself
with
this
person?
Can,
can
I,
can
I
be
completely
honest
with
this
person?
Can
I
bare
my
soul
with
this
person?
Can
I?
Where's
that
at?
Where's
it
at?
If
you
still
have
in
laws
and
family,
brothers
and
sisters,
How
it
is?
How
is
it
in
my
a
a
group?
How
is
it
with
my
pals
in
a
A?
How
is
it
with
my
sponsor?
How
is
it
in
the
workplace?
How
is
it
with
my
boss?
How
is
it
with
you
know,
how
is
it
when
I
go
to
the
grocery
store?
How
is
it
with
my
paying
of
bills
And
you,
you
know,
and
you
feel
a
little
tension,
see
and
it
goes
on.
It
talks
about,
you
know,
a
pray
to
misery
and
depression.
You
know,
am
I
having
a
current
experience
with
that?
Are
there
parts
of
my
life
in
which
I'm
experiencing
some
misery
and
or
some
depression?
Where
was
I
just
today
with
this
concept
of
fear?
So
you
sit
and
review
your
life
a
little
bit.
See,
I
want
to
tell
you
something
about
and,
and
this
is
the
way
I
find
out
where
my
current
agnosticism
is.
Let
me
explain
what
I
mean
by
that.
My
current
agnosticism
is
areas
in
which
I
do
not
believe
that
God
is
everything,
and
I
am
not
relying
in
God,
so
I'm
relying
on
self.
You
want
to
know
where
your
current
agnosticism
is?
Make
a
list
tonight
or
tomorrow
of
what
you
are
most
afraid
of.
Make
it
the
top
five.
Let's
say,
for
example,
that
you
have
financial
fears.
How
many
of
this
in
the
room
have
some
financial
fears?
OK.
What
I
want
you
to
understand
is
that
has
a
lot
to
do
with
your
agnosticism
about
God
because
you
don't
believe
that
God
is
everything.
You
don't
believe
that
God
will
take
care
of
you
in
that
area.
It's
important
to
look
at
that
because
any
area
in
which
you
have
agnosticism,
I'm
going
to
tell
you
what
your
solution's
going
to
be
self
reliant.
And
we
all
know
where
that
takes
us,
right?
See,
you're
going
to
find
out
like
I
did.
I
came
into
AA
initially
and
God
took
care
of
alcohol
and
that
is
about
all
that
I
believed
He
would
take
care
of.
And
then
Mark
the
great
I
am
decided
he
would
take
care
of
the
rest.
And
then
slowly
over
the
years,
my
experience
is
anything
that
is
not
under
the
umbrella
of
God's
care,
love,
and
protection.
But
that's
one
way
in
which
you
can
find
out
your
current
agnosticism
as
you
sit
here
tonight
is
take
a
look
at
what
it
is
that
you're
afraid
of,
right?
I'm
afraid
this
relationship
might
end,
or
I'm
afraid
I
won't
get
in
one,
or,
or
the
economy's
turning
bad,
or
money
or
my
health,
or
my
parents
are
ill,
or.
And
it's
a
way
to
identify
your
current
agnosticism
in
which
God
is
not
in
that
part
of
your
life.
It
goes
on
again
in
in
talking
about
your
emotional
nature,
you
know,
is
it
spiking
all
the
time
up
and
down
and
there's
a
definition
of
ego
that
it's
not
original.
I
got
it
from
Eckhart
Tolle
book
that
speaks
to
me
in
volumes
that
has
to
do
with
what
I'm
talking
about.
So
I'm
going
to
give
you
this.
Here's
is
the
definition
I
like
to
work
with
for
ego.
A
mind
made
false
sense
of
self.
Mind
means
we
did
it
up
here.
Made
false
sense
of
self.
And
when
you
look
at
all
the
stuff
on
page
52,
when
you
look
at
all
the
spirituality,
my
experience
is
all
that
is
coming
from
the
idea
that
my
sense
of
self
is
derived
through
you
out
there,
which
means
on
a
daily
basis
from
the
time
you
get
up
till
the
time
I
go
to
bed,
I
go
through
life
afraid
what
you
think
of
me.
Am
I
going
to
have
the
job?
Is
she
going
to
stay?
I
don't
care
how
it
how
it
plays
out.
Why
am
I
spending
time
trying
to
ask
you
to
look
at
where
you
at
with
all
this?
Because
if
any
one
of
us
in
this
room
drinks,
we're
going
to
drink
behind
the
pain
and
the
fears
of
any
of
that
stuff.
That's
why
when
the
spiritualities
overcome,
see
again,
I
want,
I
want
to
say
this,
the
problem
is
not
an
obsession
of
the
mind
and
the
problem
is
not
a
craving
of
the
body.
The
problem
is
the
spirituality
that
will
get
me
so
uncomfortable
that
my
mind
will
take
me
back
to
a
drink.
So
I
got
to
stay
focused
on.
That's
why
the
book
says
when
the
spiritualities
overcome,
I
straighten
out
mentally
and
physically.
Now,
I
think
this
is
a
good
question
to
ask
yourself.
If
the
spirituality
is
what
gets
me
so
uncomfortable
that
it's
going
to
take
me
back
to
a
drink,
and
that
is
my
experience,
then
here's
a
great
question.
Where
does
it
come
from?
Now,
first
of
all,
that
part
of
me,
my
spirit
is
not,
is
not
sick.
Malady
means
I'm
blocked.
David's
talked
about
that
there.
I'm
asleep
to
the
fact
that
I
have
a
spirit
here,
that
I'm
a
spiritual
being.
There's
a
fourth
dimension
of
existence.
And
the
more
asleep
you
are
that
it
is
to
that
extent
that
you
feel
separated
from
everybody
and
everything.
One
of
the
major
reasons
I
drank
was
the
effect
produced.
And
you
know,
what
the
effect
was,
is
I
felt
a
part
of,
I
no
longer
fell
separate
and
connected.
And
drinking
treated
the
spirituality,
that
condition
that
lies
within
me,
my
thoughts,
my
feelings,
my
perception
of
things.
But
here's
a
great
question.
Where
does
that
come
from?
And
a
little
later
on
the
book,
as
we
approach
the
third
step,
we're
told
exactly
where
it
comes
from.
And,
and
I
want
to
finish
up
my
first
step
with
this.
It
says
later
on
the
book,
it
says
all
my
troubles
are
my
own
making.
And
boy,
we,
we
don't
like
hearing
that,
do
we?
You
know,
you
don't
think
they
meant
all
our
troubles,
right?
No,
they
couldn't
have
meant
that,
because
that
means
then
I'd
have
to
be
responsible
for
any
trouble.
See,
we
don't
like
that
part,
do
we?
But
and
it
goes
on
to
say
that
I'm
self
will
run
riot
comma
they
don't
think
so.
And
then
the
book
says
above
everything,
I
must
get
rid
of
the
selfishness.
I
must
or
it
kills
me.
So
guess
what?
The
problem
is
not
a
craving
of
the
body
and
it's
not
obsession
of
the
mind.
It's
not
a
spirituality.
Our
problem
is
our
selfishness.
What
do
we
have
to
do?
That's
what
steps
4
through
9
you'd
write
inventory.
You
do
5th
step
678
and
make
amends
to
begin
to
experience
the
death
of
talk
about
this
enough
in
Alcoholics
Anonymous.
Above
everything,
I
must
get
rid
of
this
selfishness
or
it
kills
me.
When
I
sit
in
these
meetings
and
I
listen
what
I
think
are
sad
commentaries
on
people's
lives,
all
I'm
hearing
is
the
end
result
of
still
having
a
life
consumed
with
selfishness
and
everything
is
about
it's
the
complete
inability
to
practice
what
Saint
Francis
says.
See,
I
have
no
concern
at
all
whether
anybody
loves
me.
I
have
one
concern.
Can
I
love
you
exactly
as
you
are?
I
need
nothing
to
change.
If
you
have
a
lot
of
selfishness
in
place,
you
cannot
go
through
life
living
it
like
I
just
described.
You
understand
that
is
the
concern,
but
so
how
do
you
get
rid
of
that?
It
says
above
everything,
I
got
to
get
rid
of
this
selfishness.
What's
the
connection?
The
connection
is
when
I
am
self-centered,
completely
centered
on
Mark,
all
this
page
52
stuff,
restless,
irritable,
discontent,
trouble
and
personal
relationships.
It's
all
coming
because
once
again,
I'm
at
the
center
of
my
and
you
don't
treat
me
right.
And
that
produces
emotional
feelings
which
leads
to
misery
and
depression.
And
I'm
not
satisfied
with
my
life,
which
means
I
go
through
life
being
incredibly
afraid
and
I
feel
useless
and
I
can't
help
anybody.
And
I'm
not
going
to
stay
there
very
long.
And
then
what
I'm
going
to
do
is
my
mind's
going
to
say,
I
know
what
will
get
you
out
of
this
mark,
is
a
little
drinky
poop.
And
then
I'm
going
to
take
that
little
drinky
poo
and
activate
a
phenomenon
called
craving.
So
you
understand
what
the
problem
is.
I,
I
share
this
with
you
because
in
my
first
ten
years,
really,
really
only
doing
1
inventory,
maybe
two
at
the
most
at
10
years
sober,
the
amount
of
selfishness
in
me
was,
was
beyond
belief.
But
because
I'd
been
in
10
years,
then
I
had
this
double
edged
sword
of
spiritual
pride,
right?
So
I'm
walking
around
kind
of
pretending
things
are
OK,
but
inside
I
am
in
a
rage.
And
that
rage
turned
in
on
me,
inward
on
me,
into
a
mass
depression.
I
almost
committed
suicide,
which
is
the
ultimate
act
of
playing
God
for
a
guy
like
me,
isn't
it?
See,
you
see,
this
becomes
my
first
step
experience
now,
doesn't
it?
Right.
I've
looked
at
me
and
what
happens
to
me
when
I
take
a
drink.
I
look
at
the
idea
that
sober
I'll
do
the
most
insane
thing
I've
ever
done
and
there's
nothing
I
can
do
about
that.
There's
nothing
worse
than
sitting
in
a,
a
thinking
you're
keeping
yourself
sober.
You
understand
what
I'm
saying?
Because
that
implies
you
had
power.
That's
a
program
for
men
and
women
who
need
power.
And
then
you
look
at
that
idea
of
the,
of
the
spirituality
and
then
tying
into
what
produces
that
my
selfishness.
So
once
again,
at
18
1/2
years,
there's
a
reason
Dave
and
I
spent
9
hours
in
that
inventory.
And
that
was
an
equally
shared
stuff.
I
got
a,
you
know,
here
I
am.
I
love
God
as
much
as
anyone.
I
know
I
and,
and
he
and
I
get
done
with
that.
And
I
just
want
a
ball
like
a
baby.
I
mean,
I
want
to
go
to
God
with,
you
know,
a
Halo
and
white
robes.
Instead
I
got
egg
all
over
my
face.
Right
that.
Where
is
this
stuff
coming
from?
You
know,
just
winging
out
a
left
field.
And
that's
back
to
that
statement.
My
ego
has
power.
See,
in
the
stuff
that
Dave
and
I
looked
at
in
inventory
is
the
stuff
ultimately
could
have
led
us
back
to
a
drink.
And
once
again,
it's
selfishness.
See,
that's
what
he
and
I
sat
and
discussed
for
9
hours
was
our
selfishness.
Now
that
isn't
how
you
start
the
discussion.
You
start
discussing
other
people
at
great
length
in
the
second
column
and
then
it
fortunately,
if
you
have
someone
across
from
you
who's
done
work,
ultimately
they
leave
the
room
and
now
the
light
begins
to
shine
on
you.
But
you
know,
thank
God
I've
been
given
this
process.
See,
so
that
one
of
the
things
that
happened
for
he
and
I
in
the
middle
of
that
fifth
step,
it
was
it
was
one
of
the
most
powerful
experiences
for
me
in
a
fifth
step
I've
ever
had
And
and
I
don't
know
how
Dave
experienced
but
I
but
I
have
to
tell
you
I
experienced
it.
I
literally
felt
the
selfishness
leave
my
body
that
night.
He
asked
me,
I
had
to
go.
I
had
to
go
give
a
talk
that
night.
And
in
Dallas,
they
do
a
neat
thing.
Groups
ask
different
people
to
come
and
do
the
steps.
And
this
was
going
to
be
my
last
night.
So
this
is
a
group
of
about
100
people.
They
had
experienced
me
for
three
Tuesdays
in
a
row.
And
I
came
that
night.
And
I
can't
tell
you
how
many
people
came
up
to
me
and
said
the
man
they
heard
tonight
is
not
the
man
who
was
here
last
Tuesday.
What
happened,
if
that's
how
that's
how
incredible
this
process
is
that
we've
been
given.
That's
what
happened
over
that
those
nine
hours
that
he
and
I
spent,
we
were
fighting
for
our
life,
the
life
of
what
the
life
and
awakened
spirit,
the
death
of
the
selfishness
that
was
going
to
take
me
back
to
a
drink.
But
that's
all
I
got
in
the
first
step.
Well,
marks
sharing
that
I
don't
know
if
I'm
I'm
an
emotional
guy
today.
It's
OK
to
have
emotions
and
and
I'm
weeping
over
here
because
just
the
recollection
of
that
gift,
it
was
one
of
the
most
special
events
I've
had
in
sobriety.
What
a
what
a
pleasure
there
was
at
one
point.
And
I
don't
think
Mark
is
going
to
mind
if
I
share
this.
That
we
were
laughing
so
hard
I
literally
pulled
the
muscles
in
my
ribs.
I
still
can't
put
do
push-ups
right.
I,
I
started
to
slide
off
the
couch
onto
the
floor.
I
mean,
and
I'm
talking
the
gut
level
hilarious
laugh
and
tears
are
running
down
both
of
our
cheeks
and
we're
talking
about
what's
sick,
screwed
up
individuals.
We
are.
And
if
anybody
in
this
room
could
have
seen
us,
they'd
have
to
have
new
speakers
here
tonight.
And
we
are
just
laughing.
And
it's
getting
worse
and
worse.
And
after
about
10
minutes,
I
didn't
feel.
And
it
was
through
that
laughter
that
all
of
a
sudden
I
could
see
the
insanity
of
my
delusion
that
what
my
ego
had
hit
me
from
a
blind
spot.
I
thought
I
was
doing
OK.
And
to
see
the
reality
that
I'm
just
like,
the
only
thing
that
separates
me
from
the
guy
that
back
there
who's
got,
what,
8
days
or
whatever.
How
many
days
you
got?
810
days
is
1
drink.
That's
me.
Now
there's
another
guy
I
was
talking
to
at
the
break.
He
knows
who
he
is.
12
days,
12
days
sober.
You
know,
I
could
be
where
he
is
in
12
days,
You
know?
Now
Mark
talked
about
how
the
most
important
thing
in
our
lives
is
our
conscious
contact
with
God,
right?
So
here's
a
question
for
you
and
if
it
makes
you
squirm
in
your
chair
and
if
I
get
into
the
pit
of
your
chest
and
really
irritate
you,
I'll
be
very
glad.
If
God
is
the
most
important
thing
in
your
life
and
your
conscious
contact,
how
much
of
your
24
hours
of
your
day
are
you
spending
with
God?
I
don't
care
what
you
think.
Think
back
for
this
last
week.
I'm
real
big
on
exercises
and
I,
I,
I
call
it
homework.
I
give
the
guys
that
I
work
with
homework.
And
I'll
sometimes
when
somebody
really
comes
to
me
and
he's
very
pious
and
pompous
and
he
says,
you
know,
he's,
he's,
he's
got
religion
and
he's
got
a
spirituality.
And
I'll
make
him
go
back
and
write
out
how
many
minutes
per
day
from
the
last
days
did
he
spend
with
God.
And
he'll
come
back
to
me
with
new
attitudes
about
how
important
God
it
is
in
life.
I
want
to
see
your
feet.
I
don't.
I'm
a
shoe
man.
When
Alcoholics
lips
are
moving,
I'm
not
looking
there,
I'm
looking
at
his
feet.
Don't
tell
me
what
you're
going
to
do.
Show
me.
Prove
it
to
me.
I
want
to
see
it.
And
very
little
comes
out
of
my
mouth
With
the
guys
I
work
with
where
I'm
not
testing
them.
Almost
everything
is
a
test
to
bounce
off
because
I'm
testing
them
and
they
are
testing
me
because
while
I'm
asking
them
the
question,
the
questions
coming
from
deep
within
me
and
I'm
asking
myself
it,
well,
how
am
I
doing
this
week?
So
then
it
comes
out
of
my
mouth,
well,
how
are
you
doing
this
with
this,
this
week
over
the
last
two
weeks,
you
know,
and
he's
telling
me
about
some
relationship
problem
and
I
think
to
myself,
well,
how
am
I
doing?
Well,
I've
been
doing
OK
with
that.
But
what
got
me
there?
Oh,
well,
for
this
past
week
I've
been
doing
this.
So
I
say,
hey,
have
you
ever
thought
about
trying
this?
And
it's
back
and
forth.
And
I'm
using
him
as
a
mirror
to
see
what's
going
on
in
my
life.
And
the
whole
time
he's
looking
at
me
like
I
got
a
crystal
ball
and
he's
going,
whoa,
oh,
and
the
reality
is
all
I'm
doing
is
looking
inside
myself
and
shining
what's
there.
And
that
means
my
warts
as
well
as
the
grace
of
God
that
has
come
into
my
life.
You
know,
in
the
guide
on
page
two,
correction
Page
3.
I
always
like
to
take
guys
through
this.
These
are
step
one
wrap
up
questions.
Well,
before
I
do
that,
at
the
top
of
page
three,
there's
a
definition
of
insanity.
And
I
went
back
to
a
19.
I
think
it's
a
1928
dictionary
because
I
wanted
to
see
the
definitions
of
words
that
Bill
was
using
when
he
was
going
through
school
to
try
to
jump
into
Bill's
head.
What
was
Bill
thinking?
For
example,
you
know,
words
have
changed
and
you'll
hear
people
in
a
that
that
say
words
have
not
changed.
Well,
words
have
changed
because
what
does
Bill
describe
the
bar
in
in
at
the
Mayflower
Hotel?
He
describes
it
as
a
gay
crowd.
Do
you
think
it
was
a
gay
bar?
I
don't
you
know.
Well,
if
the
meanings
of
when,
and
I'm
not
taking
a
shot,
I'm
saying
that
the
meanings
of
the
words
have
have
changed.
Right.
Then
let's
go
back
and
look.
And
what
did
he
think
he
meant
when
he
wrote
that?
All
right.
And
under
here,
insanity.
And
it
listed
insanity
like
I've
never
seen
before.
State
of
being
insane,
madness,
lunacy.
The
four
principal
types
are
melancholia,
depression
of
spirits,
dejection.
You
notice
it's
depression
of
spirits.
What
do
they
call
alcohol
spirits?
Coincidence.
I
don't
think
so.
Mania,
excessive
excitement
or
enthusiasm.
A
craze,
a
rage,
a
fervor.
How
many
of
us
are
adrenaline
junkies
in
this
room?
Just
like
our
hairs
on
fire
stepping
and
fetching,
You
know,
look
at
this
next
one.
Delusional
insanity.
What
do
Alcoholics
have?
It
ain't
denial,
delusion,
right?
False
belief
and
misconception
that
will
lead
us
to
the
grave.
All
right.
And
then
dementia
out
of
one's
mind
to
deprive
of
reason
or
deranged.
That's
the
kind
of
insanity
our
ego
fixes
on
when
they
we
the
descriptions
in
the
big
book
and
step
one
of
the
insanity
of
Jim
and
Fred
and
the
jaywalker,
they
talk
about
insanity
over
and
over
and
over
again.
Our
ego
saying
dementia,
dementia
and
you
aren't
demented.
You
don't
have
dementia,
so
they're
not
talking
to
you.
There
must
be
talking
to
some
other
alcoholic.
What
I
have
hopefully
is
the
first
three,
and
I
hope
I
don't
have
the
last
one
because
that
kind,
the
dementia,
you
don't
even,
there's
no
possible
way
to
see
that
you
have
dementia.
The
other
people
around
you
see
it
and
they'll
lock
you
up.
That's
why
before
the
nature
of
rehabs,
there
was
asylums,
they
were
sanitariums.
There
was
no
such
thing
as
a
rehab.
The
only
way
they
knew
how
to
deal
with
Alcoholics
was
lock
them
up
because
they
were
insane.
It
was
just
different
form
of
insanity.
It
wasn't
dementia,
it
was
delusional.
Insanity
or
melancholia
changed
it
for
me.
Step
one,
wrap
up
questions
about
halfway
down
the.
These
are
ones
I
go
through
with
the
guys
I
work
with.
One,
can
you
or
could
you
control
the
amount
you
drink
once
you
started
to
drink?
You
know,
and
if
a
guy
says,
yeah,
I
could
have
control,
you
know,
but
then
I'd
say
I
ask
him
a
question,
say,
well,
you
can
control
how
much
you
drank.
Did
you
ever
tie
one
on
and
get
in
trouble?
Well,
yeah.
And
I'd
say,
OK,
can
you
tell
me
the
difference?
When
you
started
to
get
drunk,
did
you
realize
that
that
drunk
was
going
to
end
up
in
a
DWI
versus
this
drunk
over
here
where
you
had
two
and
you
went
home
and
had
a
nice
night?
The
guy
goes,
no,
I
couldn't
tell
you
which
night
was
going
to
be
which.
Now
we're
on
to
something.
You
don't
have
to
wake
up
the
beast
every
time
you
take
alcohol.
You
don't
have
to
have
physical
craving
every
time
you
take
alcohol
in.
For
some,
Alcoholics
do.
Every
time
they
take
a
drink
of
alcohol,
they
wake
up
the
physical
craving.
The
beast
comes
alive
and
they're
off
to
the
races
and
it's
for
however
they
long
they're
going
to
drink.
The
drink
tells
them
how
long
it's
going
to
drink.
They
have
no
control.
I
was
a
periodic.
Sometimes
I
could
take
two
drinks.
Sometimes
if
I
took
two
drinks,
I'd
wake
up
three
weeks
later
going,
whoa,
what
happened?
I
have
to
run
around
all
my
friends
and
say,
what
did
I
do?
You
know,
I'm
not
in
jail,
so
I
couldn't
have
been
that
bad.
You
know?
I'm
out
of
money.
SI
must
have
had
a
good
time.
Anybody
relate
with
that?
You
know,
two,
do
you
believe
that
physical
craving
would
occur
if
you
took
a
drink
today?
Hmm
interesting.
Three,
could
you
take
2
drinks
a
day
for
30
days?
No
more,
no
less.
A
lot
of
people
call
this
the
Marty
Mann
test.
If
you
go
into
our
history,
Doctor
Bob
gave
this
test
before
Marty
Mann
was
even
in
sobriety.
He
gave
it
to
a
young
kid,
one
of
the
first
kids,
and
he
said
that
he
was
too
young
to
be
an
alcoholic.
He
said
you
know
where
he
sent
him
down
to
the
Mayflower
Hotel
same
place
where
Bill
got
and
he
said
go
down
there
with
a
bottle,
take
two
drinks
a
day
and
if
you
can
stay
down
there
and
only
drink
2
drinks
a
day
you'll
be
fine
don't
worry
about
it.
And
the
kid
came
back
30
days
later
with
his
tail
between
his
leg
and
says
I
didn't
even
make
it.
I
knew
I
was
dead
after
the
first
day
but
he
stayed
out
for
30
days
drinking.
Luckily
he
made
it
back
four.
Does
your
experience
the
abundantly
confirm
that
once
you
put
alcohol
into
your
system,
something
happens
in
the
body
and
mental
sense
which
makes
it
virtually
impossible
for
you
to
stop?
5
Did
you
ever
drink
when
you
didn't
want
to,
even
after
swinging,
drinking
off
forever?
If
you're
in
a
history,
you
look
back
at
Bill's
family
Bible.
He
used
to
write
these
things
to
Lois
and
it
started
out
with
Lois.
I
found
Christ
and
thank
God
I
will
never
drink.
I've
been
saved,
I'm
born
again,
and
I
will
never,
ever
touch
another
drop,
you
know,
And
then
like
two
years
later
is
another
inscription.
And
dear
Lois,
thank
you
for
sticking
with
me.
I
will
do
my
best.
I
swear
I'm
stunned
forever,
you
know.
And
then,
dear
Lois,
one
more
humiliation
and
I'm
going
to
try
it
one
more
time.
With
God's
help,
I'll
be
successful,
you
know,
and
just
get
progressively
worse.
After
swearing
off
drinking
forever,
we
we
pick
it
up.
Why?
We
tell
ourselves
we
swear
to
our
wife
or
our
spouse
that
we're
never
ever
going
to
touch
another
drop
and
then
we're
drunk
3
hours
later.
When
we
swore
we
meant
it,
we
could
pass
a
lie
detector
test.
How
did
we
get
into
a
bar
in
three
hours?
Delusion.
Alcoholics
do
not
have
denial.
We
have
delusion.
Let
me
paraphrase
that.
If
you
grew
up
in
an
alcoholic
household
or
you're
married
to
an
alcoholic,
guess
what?
You're
a
double
winner.
You
got
both.
The
Al
Anon
side
of
you
has
denial
and
a
a
side
of
you
has
and
I'm
a
double
winner.
Six
Do
you
believe
that
personal
knowledge
is
of
no
use
with
respect
to
your
drinking?
7
Do
you
believe
that
you'll
be
unable
to
stop
drinking
on
the
basis
of
self
knowledge?
A
Do
you
believe
that
lost
lost
of
should
be
loss
of
power
in
the
choice
to
drink?
I
can't
even
read.
Do
you
believe
that
you
have
lost
the
power
of
choice
and
drink?
9
Do
you
believe
that
you
have
only
two
choices
today,
to
live
spiritually
or
to
die
in
alcoholic
death?
Interesting.
As
my
friend
Chris
says,
there
ain't
no
door
#3
door
#1
door
#2
you
know,
everything
in
this
program
is
live
spiritually
or
die
an
alcoholic
death.
At
10
years
sober,
and
I'll
speak
for
both
of
us,
we
were
as
dead
as
an
alcoholic
can
be.
It's
the
worst
possible
alcoholic
death
in
the
world.
Is
being
10
years
without
the
only
thing
in
your
life
that
has
ever
worked
for
you,
which
is
alcohol?
And
you've
been
10
years
without
the
love
of
your
life
and
your
suffering
and
dying
in
the
rooms
of
a
where
the
answer
is
right
here
and
the
only
thing
that
blocks
you
off
from
it
is
yourself,
your
own
ego.
And
you
can't
see
it.
Why?
Because
Alcoholics
don't
have
denial.
We
have
delusion.
The
picture
in
our
mind
is
hopeless.
We
don't
even
see
that
we're
off
base.
Yet
every
indication
in
our
life
is
that
we're
dying
an
alcoholic
death,
you
know.
10
Do
you
believe
you
have
a
spiritual
malady
which
creates
unmanageability
in
your
life?
11
Do
you
believe
that
lack
of
power
is
your
dilemma?
12
Do
you
believe
that
a
time
may
come
where
you
have
no
effective
mental
defense
against
the
first
drink?
You
notice
it
says
effective
mental
defense.
You
know
13
do
you
believe
that
your
defense
must
come
from
a
higher
power?
And
14
do
you
believe
that
you
have
to
find
a
power
greater
than
yourself
which
will
solve
your
problem?
You
notice
who
solves
the
problem.
The
power
solves
the
problem.
You
don't
work
the
12
steps
so
that
you
can
get
yourself
better.
This
is
not
a
self
help
program.
This
is
a
God
help
program.
And
if
you
haven't
found
God,
you're
in
deep,
deep
kimchi.
You
got
to
find
a
power
greater
than
yourself
because
your
power
got
you
to
a
A
Thank
goodness
it
did.
And
you
better
get
off
that
donkey
and
get
on
another
donkey
now
that
you're
here
or
you're
not
going
to
make
it.
You
know,
this
inventory
that
market
is
talking
about.
I've
had
some
of
the
most
profound
spiritual
experience
that
I've
ever
had
in
my
life.
I've
had
some
of
the
facing
of
reality.
I
couldn't
imagine
that
I'd
be
this
sick,
this
sober.
That's
my
ego
talking,
you
know,
That
I,
it,
it,
it
had
this
delusion
built
for
me
that
I
couldn't
possibly
be
this
sick.
This
over.
I
had
a
whole
series
of
amends
and
just
the
amends
that
I've
done
so
far.
And
I
have
more
to
go
in
my
own
Home
group.
I
went
to
each
one
of
those
people.
And
I
said,
you
know,
I've
been
projecting
this
dishonesty
that
I
was
absolutely,
100%
asleep
to.
I
didn't
see
it.
But
now
I
see
it
and
I'm
here
to
clean
up
my
side
of
the
street.
Without
fail,
every
single
one
of
the
members
of
my
Home
group
looked
at
me
straight
in
the
and
said,
yeah,
I
saw
it.
I
saw
how
far
off
the
beam
you
were.
I'm
so
glad
you're
back.
And
I
looked
back
at
him
and
I
couldn't
believe
it.
You
saw
that
I
was
that
far
off
the
beam
and
you
said
nothing.
And
the
reality
was
it's
not
their
fault
who's
responsible
for
my
sobriety
and
my
connection
to
God?
Me.
I
had
projected
such
an
image
to
everybody
around
me
that
virtually
everybody
that
I
thought
had
spiritual
license
in
my
life,
they
were
afraid
to
approach
me.
I
was
unapproachable
because
I'm
Dave
the
speaker.
I'm
I'm
the
sponsor.
I'm
this
bull
crap.
I'm
that
bull
crap.
I
almost
died
in
one
of
the
biggest
big
book
thumping
meetings
in
North
Jersey
and
everybody
except
me
knew
I
had
the
problem.
So
ask
yourself
the
question,
if
you
see
people
love
them
enough,
if
you
have
spiritual
license,
put
away
your
fear.
Go
to
them
in
the
spirit
of
love,
ask
God
to
speak
through
you
and
just
shine
the
mirror.
You
plant
the
Burr
under
the
saddle
and
they
ride
long
enough
and
guess
what?
The
donkey
is
going
to
throw
them.
You
know,
because
it
can't
take
the
irritation,
that
little
teeny
Pebble,
at
my
heart,
at
your
heart.
We
are
all
the
same.
We
are
all
love.
When
you
look
at
a
little
kid,
a
brand
new
little
kid,
and
he
starts
to
toddling,
what
is
their
reaction?
The
reaction
is
the
same
to
everybody.
They
could
go
up
to
Jeffrey
Dahmer
and
they're
going
to
go
and
they're
going
to
smile
and
they're
going
to
love
unconditionally.
Every
one
of
us
in
this
room
started
out
that
way.
So
what
the
hell
happened
to
us?
That
little
absolute
perfect
loving
creature
is
in
each
one
of
us.
Find
him,
they're
there.
All
you
have
to
do
is
get
rid
of
the
crap
that's
on
top.
It's
there.
And
what
happened
on
Marks
couch
was
I
saw
that
little
kid
inside
me
again.
And
now
I
can
look
out
and
I
look
for
the
sparkling
eyeballs.
I
look
for
the
eyes
and
I
pick
various
people
through
a
workshop,
you
know,
that
have
the
sparkling
eyeballs
because
that's
the
window
to
the
soul.
And
I
see
that
little
kid
inside,
that
little
pure
loving
child.
It's
there.
I
don't
care
what
you
have
done
in
your
sobriety
or
what
you've
done
in
your
drinking.
God
doesn't
care.
You're
forgiven
now.
What
are
you
going
to
do
with
it?
You
got
12
steps
in
your
spiritual
toolbox,
you
got
12
traditions,
you
got
12
concepts,
and
you
got
more
raw
material
than
you
could
ever
want
in
your
own
Home
group.
Let's
not
be
accessories
to
murder.
The
difference
is
you
have
to
be
in
touch
with
that
little
loving
child
inside
you
to
be
able
to
save
somebody
elses
life,
to
be
able
to
throw
them
the
lifeline.
So
if
you're
going
to
be
effective
for
God,
if
you're
going
to
be
the
spearhead,
as
the
book
says
of
his,
the
intelligent
spearhead
of
his
ever
advancing
creation,
remember
conscious,
awake,
we
have
to
be
intelligent.
You're
going
to
have
to
be
in
touch
with
that
little
loving
child.