The 12th annual Big Ole Roundup in Alexandria, MN

Alright, with no further ado, I'd like to give a big Minnesota warm welcome

die out of Dallas, TX.

Chris Alcock.

I don't look like a Texan. Knew I

fooled all you.

I'm actually from Long Beach, CA

I

I'd like to thank Bonnie and all the members of the committee that arranged to have me come out. It's always an honor and privilege to be able to do stuff like this.

I, I, I, I pray that I do

the the God that I have a conscious relationship with as a direct result of working the steps out of this book

and the man who I call my sponsor, Myers.

I hope I do them justice.

I

So I'll talk about this. In the last week, I've been to five meetings.

I am, so I, I, I, I believe in going through the steps every year. And I finished writing an inventory a few months ago, read it to 8 people and I have I I think 6 amends left from that current list.

Service wise, I my home groups are Frisco group in Texas and I chair the Friday 7:00 AM morning meeting there

and I'm also the group conscience chairperson. And the reason why I'm saying all that isn't to to tell you what a great, wonderful a, a member I am. I was taught that this is a spiritual program of action and it doesn't matter what I stand up here and I talk about for the next hour. It counts what I do when I'm not here, when I'm not in a meeting, all the things that go on and I wish I could take the credit for all this stuff, but I can't. I, I truly believe what it talks about on page 88 that we alcohol turn disciplines. We let God discipline us

in the simple way that we that they've outlined. And I, I'm the guy who cannot not drink. My, my drinking history has proved that.

And, and I, I was when Bonnie and I were talking about me coming out, I, I asked what the, the conference theme was. It was. And she said good orderly direction. I thought, oh, that's awesome. I got a lot of stuff I can talk about on that, and

I'll start off with a story.

About 20 years ago I went to a buddy of mine's house.

Sober guy. Known him a long time and he was making a chocolate cake. Odd, but whatever. I know a lot of odd people. And

he asked me if I wanted a piece. We were talking. He finished, pulled out of the oven. I'm not a dessert guy. I just don't have a sweet tooth. I'd rather have fried cheese with marinara sauce on it. But he didn't have any. So I said, sure, I'll have, I'll have a piece of that cake. You know, he gave it to me and I got to tell you, it was the best chocolate cake I've ever had in my life. I, I was like, wow, this is awesome. Will you please write down the recipe for me?

Sure. He pulls out a three by five card. He writes down the directions. Right. Awesome. I'm gonna make this cake. So

being the good alcoholic I am, I ran home to make the cake. And

I'm looking at the instructions and it says 2 cups of flour, 2 cups of sugar, and I don't like flour. So I'm going to have One Cup of flour and three cups of sugar,

Says 2 eggs, unlike egg yolks. So I'm going to use 4 egg whites, right? Quantity is the same. Why not?

Says a. It says a bag of chocolate chips. I like chocolate so I put 2 1/2 bags in.

Right? I'm supposed to cook it in the oven

30 minutes 350°, but I'm in a hurry,

so I decide to broil it

for 10 minutes.

Do you think that the cake that I pulled out of the oven was the same as the cake that he made? Absolutely not. That's the importance of following directions. And when I apply that to my life

in a a, where do I find the directions? And I'm really glad

that that I had the men that I had in my life to guide me through this journey who stuck to the directions of a A. I used to think that alcohol synonymous was the meeting that I went to when I was new. I didn't I, I came into a A through the doors of a treatment center and I'd never heard of AAI was 22 years old. I was coming off a 10 month stint on Skid Row in Los Angeles

and I just wanted to not be in trouble. And I didn't know the difference between counseling session, AA meeting, sponsor, sponsor, counselor. I had no idea and I thought a A was the meeting I was sitting in

to find out that a A is this book right? The book is a A that the meetings actually got their name after. The book talks about that in the form of the 2nd edition and the preface it it says the first portion is volume described. The A A recovery program has been left untouched.

So if I want to know what a AS program recovery is, it's in the first portion of the book. And if I hear things that aren't of that, that's great. I I like opinions, but what I talk about when I'm in an AA meeting is what AA has to offer in A

forward to the 1st edition says to show other Alcoholics precisely how we have recovered as the main purpose of this book and nobody showed that to me when I first got sober.

But I I think the defining page is what what it talks about. On page 29, it says further on clear cut, directions are given showing how we recover.

Like, wow, it does seem a vague, roundabout way we're going to show you how to do this. No, it says clear cut. And I'm really glad that I had a sponsor who took me through the book word by word. We answered every question. When it asked me to do something, I did it in in

I was thinking about how do you relay this not just to new people but to ruin people. And I like on page 18, it has this analogy of cancer. If a person has cancer, all are sorry for them. No one is angry or hurt. But not so with the alcoholic illness. And that was my experience. I don't know about you. When people had cancer, people were bringing them casseroles and people were crying. They were so upset and there were always people there. I got alcoholism and nobody was bringing me a casserole. Everybody.

It's so weird because I my life is so different because when I was drinking, people who knew me told me to shut up and leave. And today I get people who I don't even know call me, ask you, ask me to come and talk. I'm like,

OK, I'll do that. Why not?

And it's interesting because my dad passed away from camps like 20 years ago. And so if you have cancer, you got to go to a doctor and have a diagnosis done, right? And then say that you've got lymphatic cancer and they tell you the solution. Well, the solution is you're going to have to have a dose of radiation chemotherapy. We're going to have to do a surgery to remove whatever tumors that that the chemotherapy doesn't get. And then depending on what happens, you may or may not

have to go through chemotherapy again. In this process may kill you, but if you don't, you're going to be dead in six months. But if we're successful,

the solution we have to offer, you'll be able to live a totally normal life, right? Then comes the decision. I've got to decide whether or not I'm going to go through the treatment or I'm going to live without the treatment. And if I agree to do it, then there's this course of action. And that's the exact same thing that happens in the 12 steps, right? I look at step one, it's a diagnosis.

So when you break down the first step in in the big book, it's a self diagnosis where I have to admit that I'm palace over alcohol in my lifestyle manageable. And

the first half of that step admitting that I'm powerless has two halves. It's broken up from the doctors opinion. Page 23 is all about how am I powerless physically when it comes to alcohol and it talks about an allergy. And when when I first heard this term I thought I'm not allergic to alcohol, I'm allergic to scallops. True story. I eat scallops, my throat swells up and if I eat them at the wrong time of year I could possibly die. Unless you got an EpiPen in your pocket and most people don't carry that around for me. Right.

So

they're talking about this algebra. I'm like, I, I, I can't relate to that. But when I look at what it talks about in the doctor's opinion, it says we believe Ansel suggested a few years ago, the action of alcohol on these chronic Alcoholics is the manifestation for an allergy and the phenomenon of craving is limb of this class. It never occurs in the average tempered drinker.

Doctor Silkworth not an alcoholic. A guy who treated 41,000 Alcoholics in his lifetime. It's a lot of people consider him an expert, right? He knew that there was something more going on with an alcoholic than

willpower or a moral issue in

he equated to an allergy. What he saw is when these people drank, something happened physically where their body had to have more alcohol. And I started to relate to that. When I drank, I get real thirsty, right? I have to drink more. I'm not, it's not. I'm not drinking because it's a lovely, wonderful thing to do. I'm drinking because I've got a drink

and the word allergy.

It's defined as an abnormal reaction to a common substance,

right? And when you look at how I react to alcohol, it's very different from normal people. I was out to dinner recently with some

people from work, right? You ever go to those things? I I hate those, but I watch them drink. I'm like, what are you doing? And

grown man, he ordered a glass of wine. OK, sure, whatever. And and he gets his glass of wine and he takes a sip of it and he makes this wince and he pushes it away. And I'm, I'm like,

what's wrong? He says. It doesn't taste right. I'm like what

he said, I I'm not going to drink. I'm like, I, I don't relate to that, right? Normal people, if it doesn't taste right, they don't drink it. I'm like, what are you doing? I, I remember, I, I used to, I used to wake up watch. I used to come too and after a party and and I I would literally take beer cans and beer bottles, add cigarette butts and I'd stream to AT shirt into a cup

because there was no fresh beers. I'll drink what I don't care what it is. I will drink it and and

that's not normal,

right? I have an abnormal reaction to a common substance. And I started to understand that I don't drink like normal people. And it explains so many things that I could never explain before of why I don't show up for Christmas, why I let my parents down, why I can't keep my promises because I thought that I was a bad guy. And

so

it, it, it, it started to make sense. This allergy idea, like it says that as laymen, our opinion as to it sounds to me, of course, mean little. But as ex prom drinkers, we can say that that explanation makes good sense. It explains many things that we couldn't otherwise account. I today can explain to people why I did what I did when I was drinking because I'm allergic. When I start to drink, I can't stop. So many things go what's wrong with you? And I don't know, I don't care.

I don't care about Christmas. It was hard because I did care, but I couldn't show up

and people would say what's wrong with you? I'm like, I don't, I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me, What's wrong with you,

right. And, and here's the here's the weird thing about the allergy piece is that you know what I don't eat? I don't eat scallops. You know why? Because I'm allergic to it. You know what I do? I drink. I learn to it. I drink it just it never mattered. And that's where the second-half of that being powerless comes in.

From page 23 to page 43, it switches gears. On page 23, it says that the observations about being powerless physically their academic and pointless if a friend never takes the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle into motion. It's academic because it's good to know. I can explain why I do what I do, but it's pointless because I never take a drink again. I'm never inexperienced, a craving. And it goes on to say that therefore the main alcoholic center is in his mind rather than his body. And

I have a brain that tells me that I'm not allergic to it

in so I think it's about 1919 years old. One of my friend Gary's house and we're going to pre drink before we go to a party. I like to drink before I go drink. That's tell you the truth. I was drinking before I went to Gary's house, right?

I get to Gary's house in somewhere along the line, I'm a blackout drinker. I, I, I didn't know it was a blackout. I really don't. People would say what I'm like. I don't know what happened, what happened.

People used to tell me and I thought, wow, that sounds like fun. I wish I was there in a

I like to drive when I'm in a blackout. I don't know why don't ask me because I'm going to blackout. I can't tell you, but I I I drive in one night. I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but I came out of a blackout and I'm driving and the unfortunate thing is that I I came out of a blackout and making a left hand turn and the unfortunate things I look at my speedometer, I'm going 55. Hello that's a sobering experience, right? And I lose control. I'm driving my little

Mazda RX7.

It's a little white one and

I fishtail. I missed the car here, but as I fish tail, I swung around. There's this black saw turbo and it's I'm going to hit it and I know and I smash it. Nailed it. The whole left side of his car and left side of my. I just boom,

somehow I got my car home

and I don't know if you have ever woken up after what you thought was a horrible nightmare and go thank God it was a nightmare.

I grabbed my surfboard. I went downstairs in my driveway with my total car. I'm like, oh, was it a nightmare? It really happened. What am I going to do? And I'm I'm freaking out, hit and run and I'm, I'm like ha ha. And so

I have a criminal mind. I've always been told that I'm in my garage and I'm looking around and I see a big red plumbers wrench. So I grabbed the wrench. I grab a Scotch brake pad and I I clean all the black paint off the side of my car. I take the red wrench and I scrape red paint all over it. I drive to a neighboring city

and I said hey, I was at a party last night and when I came out my car was hit and the the death Sergeant comes out and he goes looks like a red car hit you. And I said, really,

what, man? You shouldn't be a death Sergeant. You should be a detective. That's how you knew that. And they wrote the report. So in in my home city, they're looking for a white car that hit a black SOB turbo. And in the neighboring city, they're looking for a red car. They had a white Mazda,

right?

Scott Free. So

after I left the Westminster Police Department, I went to my friend Garry's house. You knew what I did when I got there. I drank.

Why

I'm an alcoholic. I got an alcoholic brain right? I like what it talks about on on page 37. It says whatever the precise definition of word may be, we call this planet sanity. How can such a lack proportion ability of things trade be called anything else when it comes to alcohol? My brain doesn't work right. I I, I used to work on cars a lot

growing up and I used to work at this shop and this one guy brought in a year 1 Camaro. He's a real cool guy. He had like 20 muscle cars and he was letting somebody installers do burnouts. They brought in the shop and I got to run some wires from the engine apartment in the back

and being the impatient alcohol claim I'm I'll just be careful. I'll run these wires and

I got my arm up near the header. It's hot and my arm touched it. I lost some skin and

the the next 10 years of my mechanic career, you know, I've never ever been burned by ever, ever again an exhaust manifold on a car. I would not touch a car unless it was cold, right? If it was slightly warm, I had other installers put Fender covers along the whole exhaust manifold. I don't want to burn a little bit of skin, right?

Why is it that I will go to such great extremes to not be burned by exhaust manifold, but when it comes to alkaline burned over and over and over again, and my brain doesn't connect this stuff. It's because I have a lack of proportive ability to think straight. When it comes to booze, my brain does not work. It doesn't think straight.

And that explains why I've had so many times where I wake up Point A today. I'm not going to drink, I'm not going to. I'm not going to ruin my life. I'm like, God, I'm not going to do this. And as the hangover wears off and 12:00 rolls around, I eat a little bit of lunch and I finally get some food in me. Somewhere along the line I end up at 5:00 leaving work and now I'm thirsty and parched and now I'm standing in line with a 711

with a 12 pack Coors Light and I'm not quite sure how I got here. But since I'm in line

right do you waste to put it back in the cooler? So my brain just doesn't. It doesn't attach these things and I have no power over that.

Page 43 it says once more, the alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first ring, that neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. That defense must come from a higher power, and

that was real different for what I was hearing in treatment, right? Treatment was just a really bizarre experience. I,

my counselor, his name was Willie. He always worked tie dye shirts and he had rubber bands in his beard, which I thought was really weird and looked like he walked out of a Grateful Dead show. And one day he made all of the impatient stand up. There's like forty of us and I'm standing in the back. And he said, if you think of drinking, just think it through. And he made all the adults do this think it through thing and I'm in the back. I'm going. I'm not doing that.

Are you kidding me? This is what you have $36,000 for 30 days? You're going to tell me to think it through? Don't you think? If I could think it through, I would have thought it through before I wound up in this place.

Right in

and you talked about page 24 that that I don't have

I don't have the ability to bring to mind with sufficient force memory of suffering human weaker month ago. I don't have a defense right there are no triggers. Write down all your triggers and I didn't understand what he said. Write down what are you talking about triggers, the things that make you drink. I'm like it's Tuesday. I'm breathing, I'm like my heart's beating. What are you talking about? Make me drink.

They used to talk about this whole thing. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. But you know what? I also drink when I'm full happy with people and I just woke up.

I don't

the only time it ever talked about triggers in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous is into the employers that you page 137. It says did the guy put his toe on the trigger of a loaded shotgun? That's the only time he talks about a trigger, right? I can relate to I I don't have triggers. I I will drink. You know, I'm more likely to drink after winning a Powerball than I am after getting fired. You give me $120 million cash, you better put some bodyguards on me, right?

So when I start to understand I'm powerless when it comes to that, right? There's that dash in the first step. And I, I always thought that the first step said, I admit that I'm palace over alcohol and that's why my life is unmanageable. Then I, my lifetime manageable because of my pending court dates, my family won't talk to me all, all of these things. And that's how it's talking about the imaginable of my life, not the unmanageable of my drinking. A dash means end of thought, start a thought. And I like how it defines it. On page 44 and 45, it says that

if a mere code of morals or better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome housing, a lot of us were recovered long ago, right. That I could wish to be moral. I could wish to be philosophy comfort, and I could will these things with all my might, but the needed power isn't there. I cannot. I, I used to I used to sit and meet these people say just do the next right thing. I'm like, what are you talking about? If I could do the next right thing, I wouldn't be in this room. I would be out there just doing the next right thing and keeping the plug in the jug and staying in the middle of some weird boat balancing on a beam. I don't know what you people mean,

right?

And it was so confusing. And then I saw her to find out with you, I gotta do what's in the book. And and

I really believe that if you can just not drink, no matter what, put the plug in the juggernaut, do the next right thing. You're in the wrong room. This room's for the people who tried to do the next right thing and tried to just not drink. No man, and failed at it, right? I think the dangerous message is when you tell a new person just do the next right thing and just don't drink no matter what. When he fails at that, he's going to think that that's what a has to offer. Never come back. But that's not what a A says. A A says you don't have any power. You can't do this. You need God's help, right? It says on on page 45. The lack of power is our dilemma.

And I got to find a power by which I can live. And it says, well, that's exactly what this book is about, its main object. It's enabled me to find the power of myself that's going to solve my problem. I don't have to solve it. If I'm powerless, that means I can't control it and I've got to rely on something that can and will. And I came to believe in this power. It's, it's weird because I, I used to think that the second step was about fixing my broken Catholic relationship with God

and I would be able to believe again,

right? I was going to be a Jesuit priest. I'd made-up my mind as a small child. I love God so much. I can't, I can't even express to you how much I love God and how much I want to devote in my life to that. But then when you live an alcoholic life and you can't do the next right thing and people saying what's wrong with you? I, I, I didn't have an answer by the time I was 13, That whole dream got ripped away from me because of the way I was living. And what do you do when your dreams are gone? You survive, right? And that's all I was doing. And

thank God that the chapters we agnostics, it's not once agnostic or we used to be agnostic until we did this pro. It says, no, we agnostic.

We're all agnostics right now sitting here in this room. And that's what the chapter we agnostic is trying to draw out in me currently standing here sober in front of you. It's having me look at where am I deficient in God? And

it was difficult because I, it was hard to set aside these lifelong conceptions around God and to begin looking at what you people, because you people had something going on in your lives that I didn't not just sobriety. People were happy and living productive lives. And I started when I first got. So I was going to a lot of meetings in South Central Los Angeles because I was desperate. I was desperate for the message of a A and you guys are familiar with South Central Asian guys don't hang out in South Central

unless you own the liquor store. You don't even go to that neighborhood. But these guys

we're there to help me and there were the most loving guys that I ever known. And

I came to believe

in a, a, the same way I came to believe in alcohol, right? I saw it when it growing up, I saw my dad and my brothers drinking and my friends, they seem to be having fun. And it was this social lubricant that I desperately needed in, in at the age of 15, I, I went to drive in movie theater and I drank 3 Mickey big mouth malt liquors in about 1/2 hour. And I got to tell you met God. I, I, I had a spiritual experience that night in back of Tom's Volkswagen bus right? I, I,

I can't tell you what it's like to not be able to breathe and drink and go, This is what it's like. This is awesome and

it's the exact same thing in AAI saw these guys that were living these lives and it was so attractive to me. I'm like, well, how, how is this possible? He said. Because they were able to find and maintain a relationship with God to work in these 12 steps. And

page 52 right it says when we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance on the spirit of the universe, we had to stop down in the power of God. Our ideas didn't work with the God idea did. And I have to start with this simple reliance.

I like the spirit of the universe idea. I,

so

I encounter a lot of people say, well, how can you rely on something you can't explain or, or don't understand? And I'm like, hey, you're surrounded by it, right? There was one guy, we were outside talking about this and I, I pointed up at that big orange, yellow thing in the sky called the sun, right? I said, can you explain that thing? I got no idea. Do you know how much you rely on that thing? It's not a light bulb. It's a gigantic nuclear explosion. The size of the sun is a, it's 100 milliliters bigger than the earth. It's literally

it's like 93,000,000 miles away. And if the sun were to explode right now, right now, we would know it for 8 minutes, 17 seconds. That's how the speed of lights, 186,000 miles per second, right? We wouldn't know it. The sun is so important to us because whether you know or not, if you don't get sunlight, you become vitamin D deficiency. You'll get depressed. You get really sad, right, if the sun goes away. But there's a whole lot more going on around the sun. The sun.

I don't know about you, but it feels like Saturday night in, in Minnesota to me, right?

But did you realize that right now we're going roughly 66,000 mph because the Earth is moving around the sun right now we're going 66 out, but I feel like I'm sitting still. Don't you? If the sun were gone, we'd be in a lot of trouble, right? It's because of, of gravity. Gravity is another thing that we all rely on. How many people can explain gravity? I can't. I what I like to do is I, I like to read

things that really smart people have written down.

It's a big time saver. So

right, I don't have to figure out Albert Einstein. Albert Einstein said the gravity is is the consequence consequence of the curvature of time and space. Whatever that means,

I don't know. I don't know what that means. I don't. But he's smart, right? But here's the thing about gravity. If we were to jump off of Reunion Arena in Dallas, TX or the tallest building in the world in Dubai,

it doesn't matter where on earth you do this. Gravity will pull you to rate of 32 feet per second and to reach a terminal velocity of 200 mph until you hit the ground. And you'll probably not live right now. Gravity doesn't care how much you know about it. Gravity doesn't care if you can explain it. Gravity doesn't care how you particularly feel about gravity. But we all have a simple reliance upon it.

I rely on gravity all the time. I don't think about it. I don't think about gravity any other time that I'm behind a podium talking about gravity, right? It's the same way with God.

God is a natural force. It it, it talks about God is everything or is nothing. It wasn't what's my choice to be? And I don't have to be able to explain God. I just have to have a simple reliance. I rely on it. I rely on gravity to be here. When I wake up tomorrow morning, I hope to God, gravity's still here, right? And so I started to see that I'm not a concept guy when it comes, I hear I go to some of these meetings, they want to talk about their concept of God. I'm like, who cares? It says that I don't need to consider your concept my own

and adequate. It is sufficient to make the approach to affect a contact with God's water mapper. Is a contact with God not an idea? I used to think that AA was about blowing up my idea of God so big that it pushes out the idea of a drink. That's not what it's saying. It's saying you start with an with your concept and through the course of action you remove the blocks that allow you to have a conscious relationship with it. In my consciousness and everything I do, I can tell you about my relationship with God

last night, today, in this moment, because I have a conscious relationship with him, not an idea of God. It's something that that I carry with me in that it moves with me everywhere I go. And

I started to see there was so much more going on with this that I came to. It's

just have to have a simple reliance. I don't the, the concept really doesn't matter in it's interesting, 'cause like extraterrestrials, right? If we all took out a piece of paper and a pencil and we wrote down our idea of what ET looks like and drew a picture of him, probably not many of our pictures would look like our discredit disease. 8 feet tall. They're really small. They got big eyes. They got no eyes, they got ears. They don't have ears. They smell like

rose bushes. I don't know. I

right, but we don't have all these different ideas. But if

the spaceship landed and extraterrestrials walked in, we now have a conscious relationship with him. And what you wrote down really doesn't matter anymore, right? That's what this process is trying to get me. I got to start with an idea and it's sufficient to make the approach and

I take that that belief that I have and I take that into making the decision, right.

I got to make this decision to turn my will, my life over to God. It's not my drinking, right? Because when I started to see is that I don't have this power, I'm powerless and

I wish it was as simple as turn my drinking over to God, but it's not. I started to see that that lack of powers my dilemma and

I

I make lots of decisions throughout the day. I've had a decision that I've been making for roughly 2 years to clean up the workbench of my garage.

And I got to tell you almost every every Friday night as I'm going to bent again, tomorrow's the day I'm going to clean that thing up. And to be quite honest with you, when I was leaving to come here, I put some stuff out of the car on top of the teetering stuff on the Workman. I'm like, Oh well,

right.

The thing with these decisions is if, if I make a decision to do that, but I don't follow it up with some kind of action, it's never going to happen, right? That

page 62 I got to understand. So

I liked it that it after the read the ABC's, it says being convinced words Step 3. Just what do we mean by that? And just what do we do? It's got that question a couple page laters. It tells me exactly how and why it says page 62 and I I I I'm not kidding. I heard the other day in a meeting a guy with like 18 years say I don't know how it works. I'm like there's a there's a whole chapter on it. What do you mean you don't know how what what what

weird end game here. Who are you trying to fool? Is that going to help the newcomer? You're sober 18 years. You don't know how it works, buddy. You maybe you should get a sponsor. I don't know I but it says on the bottom 862. This is the how and why event, huh? It even says here's the how. First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, we decided decision that hereafter in this drama life, God is going to be the director. He's a principal where his agents, he's a father and we were his children. And that's the decision that I'm making that hereafter

from this point forward, when I make this decision, I'm going to seek direction from the director who is God. He is the principal, he's the boss, I'm the agent. I'm supposed to work on behalf of him. That's what an agent does and he's the father and I'm the child. That means I've got to trust him. I've got to trust God. I've got to trust that he has my, it's hard because new people, they come in and they think that I'm going to turn my wool life over to God. And as long as my life is heading towards that pile of money, that girl, that car,

that job, it's God's will. As soon as certs go this way, oh, they grab hold of it and muscle it back. Oh, see God's will. No, that's not that's, I don't know what you call that.

I started. I had to look at my idea of what faith is. I always thought faith was this unknowing belief that things are going to go my way. No,

Webster says that faith is loyalty. It means I'm going to go through the process regardless of the outcome. And thank God that that's I, if I would have gotten what I was wanting, I would have sold my life way short. And I make this decision

and I have to follow that up with a course of action.

Bottom page 63, it says after the decision. Next we launch on this course of vigorous action, the first of which is a personal house cleaner. I start on step four and I I love inventory. I write inventory every year.

This last inventory I wrote. Well my my first inventory I wrote I had 488 people on it and

seemed like a lot. My buddy had my buddy had 1800,

right,

It says bond paid 65 five, nothing counts but throwing us in honesty. It says we go back through our lives, right. I'm not afraid of inventory. The more the more God shows me, the freer I get. And and it says if I make the decision to the hereafter this drama life Gods me the director, I ask him for direction. I got to remember the inventory isn't Chris writing about Chris. So Chris gets well, it's Chris asking God to show me what I need to see to get free. And when I ask God to bring to mind everybody that I've ever been resentful with, Oh my God, the floodgates opened, right?

Patty, 3rd grade, pulled my pants down. Mrs. Robinson, first grade teacher, she got mad at me. I mean, all of these vomitus things came out and I hadn't thought of these names in years.

I write down second column what they did to me. That's always the fun column. They did this, they did that, and I get to look at how it affected me. Ambition, pride, Pock book, persuasion, sex, relations, security,

missing one.

And then I got to go to the 4th column and I like, I like the 4th column.

It, it calls it the key to the future.

I got to tell you, I we have this as a topic sometimes in my Home group and it's a big deal. And a lot of people who don't even know what the hell it means. But I mean, if,

if

I was gonna say Donald Trump, I'm not gonna use that one.

Tim Cook, CEO Apple comes up to you and says I got the key to your future. Would you listen to him? Yeah, I'd probably write it down. Wait, what? Right. It's a very important thing. It says that the key to my future lies in this 4th column of this inventory. I remember asked my sponsor why, why? Why is the key to my future? He said, well,

just think about that when when you're looking at your faults, you're blaming your mistakes, not your part. Parts are very dangerous. Word for the forest column.

Because when I say part, what I'm really saying is I have a part. But that also means you've got a part. And if I remember correctly, I did my part because you did your part, and had you not done your part, I would've done my part. This is all your fault. Now I remember why I'm mad, right?

I'm looking for my fault, my blame, my mistake, right? And it's it's amazing because I use that in my fifth step, right when I read that's the exact nature of my wrongs, where I was self a self seeking, dishonest and afraid. I use it in 6:00 and 7:00 because of my character defects and shortcomings. I also use it in my eight step getting ready to go make all of my amends, right, Because that's why I'm going to make amends for. I use it my 9th step because that is what I'm making amends for. My fault, my blame, my mistake.

And then steps 10 and 11 when you, when you really tease them apart, it's nothing more than a short. It's a daily version of a fourth column. And I can't tell you how many times I've been in a 12 step call and used a piece of my 4th column inventory that I swore I would never tell anybody I would take to the grave. And I use that to help a guy to see that he needs a A. There are 12 steps in a A8 of which come from the 4th column. That's why it's the key to my future.

All of my future work I do from 67 forward comes from this, my understanding of what's going on. That's why it's the key to my future and why it's so important and it's I I got to follow the directions. It even says on on page 65. It says when you're looking at the example, it says our personal inventory is usually as definite as this definite usual means under normal condition, right. I'm not special. I'm not a snowflake, alcoholic individual and different. No, I'm I'm

run of the variety. Got an allergy. When I start, I'm going to black out and God only knows what's going to happen to me drunk, right. I've had these people come up to me and and say, well, you look my 4th step and I look at him like, well, what is that? I mean, and I I, I come from a lineage where we don't care about hurting your feelings. I care more about whether an alcohol lives or dies and how you feel about what I tell you. And I say, that's not a four step. You call it whatever you want, but that's not it. Doesn't look anything like the example on page 65.

If we're supposed to follow directions and it says clear cut direction to give him showing how it recovered and your inventory doesn't look like it doesn't pay 65, I don't know what to tell you. Your cake's not going to come out very good, right?