The Thursday night meeting in Ringwood in Hampshire, UK

20 minutes

out from the hat and you'll be invited to share from the floor. If your names Pete and you do not want to share, play fast and we'll move on. We would also ask that your friends from using bad language

the industry's. Claire, thanks a lot. Thanks, Simon. Thanks, Simon. Great job. Thanks son.

Hi, everyone, I'm plowing addict

four years next week. Not this week, but I stood up this week. It's a little bit of a line. I stood up this week because I'm sharing it my Home group, my Home group birthday Cher. So I've got to get it this week, but it's next Wednesday. And this time four years ago, I was using,

having completed and graduated and had my family congratulate me during a graduation of my fourth treatment center.

And six weeks later, I was back in another one.

And that's kind of like the story of my using in that,

you know what's odd? Speed stopped by being put in an institution. And then I'd always use again. And I just did not get it. I didn't get why that kept happening.

So

I suppose going back,

you know, I'll explain what, what led to my relapses in in hindsight, I can see some of that. But

what I know is that I suppose when I first started taking drugs and drinking drugs gave me something and they took away something. So they gave me, I like getting high. I like the way they make me feel. And I like, I specifically like to be like head on the table,

like those kind of drugs.

So they gave me that. They gave me that good feeling. They took away feelings that I didn't like,

which I'd never, I could never identify as fear. I, I was labeled as like anxious, depressed and treated accordingly. But I would never, I would never be able to identify that I was scared. I was frightened. I just had symptoms of it. So I was treated for those symptoms. And you know, right, going back, I think the first substance that I abused was medication.

You know, I was prescribed various different things resulting in,

you know, benzo script. And they are like the way they make me feel. I liked that they made me go to sleep. I like that I woke up feeling alright, calm, not like choked with anxiety. And I didn't really have a specific reason to feel that way. It was just my natural state, my natural state, you know, like, like a hand dry my throat, a weight on my chest and like a butterfly in my heart. And it was just horrible.

So certain drugs took that away and the first thing would be in benzos. And I was prescribed this benzo script,

you know, and, and I'd take much more than I was prescribed. I'd take the mum script in a few days and then not have any. I never was dependent on benzos but

had a script for years. But

for me, things, there's drugs I don't like.

For me, drinking. I liked drinking, but I didn't like what happened when I drank.

Alcohol for me is a bit like truth serum where I tell everyone exactly what I think about them.

So I didn't like the consequences of me drinking, but what I discovered, you know, in the circle that I was mixing with, which were,

you know, a group of girls just like me and a group of much older men who sold drugs.

What I discovered is if you take cocaine and drink like that, you don't get in the state that you do if you just drink. So I thought that was the solution to my drinking problem. So, you know, we've, you know, I hated amphetamine, took loads of it. I'm the type of person to take some speed as we're leaving the club and wonder why I'm rocking in a corner 2-3 days later,

wishing I'd never touched it. But for me just rolling forward a bit, heroin hit the spot and, and I got stuck on it and I didn't plan that. That wasn't in my life goal plan. That wasn't my ambition at all. I had an ambition to be a nurse and I went to university to study, to be an, and you know, with all the, I went to a prestigious university and I, you know, my family were very, very proud,

you know, to get a degree. But I left about 18 months into it with a heroin habit.

That wasn't the plan at all. But for me, I just lie and

I maintained a facade of being OK for a couple of years on that.

And in that I kind of moved about a lot, thinking where I lived was a problem and who I'm with is the problem. But I haven't got the courage to come out of that. So stay in it anyway and think that's why I'm using. But I think when I started using crack, things started crumbling quick. So I think by the time I was about 19, I was shocked to bits

because I was so young and involved with treatment services that young social services just come round and whip you into a treatment centre. That's what happened for me back then. And I remember going into this treatment centre and I've done this detox and

I've done this detox at my mom's house where they just stopped my methadone at 30 mils and put me to sleep. And

I was asleep for about 5 days and a psychiatric nurse would come in every day. And I remember when I came round, I really thought that I'd be free of drugs and I'd go into this treatment centre and everything would be all right. And what happens is I came round and I found myself begging my mum to buy me some gear and she was horrified. I was horrified, didn't know I was doing it,

and I couldn't explain that. I couldn't. I couldn't explain that for years. I know now that you know, this illness was active. Active in me, still drug free.

Yes, I went to this treatment center

and what I sort of understand now, again in hindsight is that I don't follow rules very well.

So I went in and

found myself a new boyfriend. I already had one, but I found myself a new one and focus on that. And now I understand why they say don't do that. But back then I didn't know why they said that. So it's been like, who's doing the shopping this week? Claire and Nick. Who's going to church on Sunday? Claire and Nick. Who's doing the cooking this week? Claire and Nick.

So we were just locked in that really and ended up getting thrown out of there

and we were clean. So in my eyes, you know, it's done its job. But

what happened is we

when to live in London, we're living in AB and B in the East End, which was really pretty.

And Christmas came

and I absolutely had no surrender around a drink. I knew that Herron and Crack had led me to for my life to fall apart and for all the relationships around me to start breaking down. But as far as I was concerned, alcohol didn't do that to me. So we decided we'd have a Christmas drink because everyone does that. So we had a Christmas drink

and then a Christmas pipe and then a Christmas hit.

And you know, I half say in Jasper it was really sad

that relapse after seven years, that again was not in the plan.

I was saying to the girls on the way up here, like I was clearly not tolerating drugs very well. So every time I had a pipe, I'd vomit for three months. Every time I had a pipe I'd vomit. So I lost about 3 two and a half free stone really quickly and

me vomiting all the time led to us getting arrested one day. I won't go into the story but we got followed by the police and stopped and because I was vomiting out the window we got stopped and arrested. So things weren't going very well quite quickly.

So basically we spent the next seven years

in the relentless pursuit of money for drugs.

I'm a shoplifter Nick Zuccar thief.

I became that too. I destroyed the relationships within my family in that time

and it ended up, you know, Nick was in and out of prison a lot. I'd go in and out of treatment centres and again, just could not stick to the rules. It's like I'm desperate, desperate to go in there and then when I get there, I just do everything wrong, you know, like, I suppose they call it sabotage, don't they? But I just, it's like rules don't apply to me.

I just think I'm different and although I relate to other people's stories of drug addiction, I don't relate to how behaviour relates to that. So you know, I wonder about the cloth. Looking busy on ATV day

so I don't really do very well in there.

My thing is, generally I'm either going to use in there or I'm going to get in a relationship.

Most likely I'm going to use. So

my experience of treatment is that they remove me from the problem, but the problem is within me, so I take it in there.

So, so yeah, I came out of this treatment center. Like I said, I've finally graduated from one. You, you know, my sister sat there and said I'm so happy to have my sister back. It's taken 15 years to get my sister back. And six weeks later I was back in and I didn't have an explanation for it. I remember ringing my mum. Someone forced me to ring her and say I was being driven back to another treatment centre.

And she went why? Why are you going back in there? You haven't used, have you? And I went, yeah, I have. And she went, Oh my God, why? And I just went, I don't know. And

that relapse is pretty short in comparison to the seven years. But

you know, some people stepped in and I got put back in another treatment centre and I left there five days clean.

And I think what happened for me in that time, thank God I was in there because I don't think I'd have got through necessarily without being taken out of it again. But went back in there. And in that space, I broke inside. I broke sufficiently to be willing to do what someone told me to do. And I've been in fellowship, I've done six months in treatment, I've been in H and I someone had carried a message to me and I've got a sponsor.

But what I didn't relate with this program of recovery was that you behave differently, you change. So what I would do is I'd go to my sponsors

and I'd read out my Step 5 and, you know, we'd praise together and then I'd go shoplifting or, you know, up to no good. And I remember, you know, being in Boscombe and I bumped in someone that was using, he was cooking and I felt sorry for him. So I went shoplifting with him and ended up using with him. Surprise, surprise.

But I remember scoring. I scored on the road and I live on and I had these bits in my hand and we were walking back to this dry house to use

and I was devastated. I didn't even use. I had these six and one in my hands thinking everyone's the problem, I'll just get one.

And I had these bits in my hand and I just looked at him and I just knew. I knew where I was going. I was on a suspended sentence DRR if I used I was going to prison but I could not stop myself and I just went straight back to where I was when I left London. Straight back to the same feelings, the same behaviours as injected in my feet

sobbing before I'd even got it in me. And I remember it's a bit graphic, but I remember injecting

it hit the back of my throat and that was it. Nothing. I didn't feel the thing. I've tasted it. That was it. I thought gearing boss come shit, it really is. So anyway, in that time in that treatment centre, enough of me was gone, enough of my will was gone for me to ask someone to help and really mean it when I said I'd do anything. And she said, are you willing to go to any lems for victory over your addiction?

I said yeah, because I didn't even know what she wanted me to do, but I would do anything that she wanted me to do. If she'd have asked me

to hitchhike to up Everest or whatever, I would have done it 'cause I was just so desperate to not go back to where I just come from. And she whipped me through the steps. There was no mucking about. And I really, really

appreciate the time and energy she spent in helping me through the steps and then sponsoring me and helping me to practice these principles. Because I didn't have a clue, you know, I thought I knew so much

having, you know, thinking I'm really clever. I've been to university. I've been in treatment all these times. I fucking know what they sorry, I know what they, they teach you, but I couldn't apply any of it. And I literally had to be taught how to live. I remember ringing my sponsor up one day and I just went, I can't get out of bed. And like, she literally guided me. Get up, get on your knees, read your readings,

blah blah gratitude list ring a couple of people, get in the shower and get up and get out. And I was like,

it sounds so simple.

So, you know, she guided me and I, you know, at that time I didn't think there would be any way I could ever repay the energy and love and care that she showed me. But now I get it because she done that for me so that I do that for someone else. That's how I repay her.

So yeah, she whipped me through the steps quickly.

And I did learn some stuff about myself at Step 5, stuff I didn't know Soph wasn't aware of, like that I was prideful and arrogant.

But what I know about myself is that I turn most of my stuff inwards. So I'm not really blaming of other people. I'm not really resentful particularly, although there was plenty of it, to be honest. But it wasn't that I was outwardly angry at you. I wasn't angry at me and full of guilt and shame and regrets. And

for me, the massive shift, this spiritual awakening came for me at step 8:00 and 9:00. And

when I, when I wrote the list of people I'd harmed, I wrote it exactly as I was directed, which was who had harmed what I'd done to hurt them and how I would have felt if I was in their shoes. And I really, for the first time, really connected with what I've done, and

it was awakening and

then going out and putting that right, which is a really long, ongoing process for me.

There's been justice and forgiveness

and honesty and love in that.

I've been to people to make amends. Who

have not wanted to hear, have not wanted to have any kind of relationship with me. They've been willing to hear me, but I think

there was we were freed in that both of us when that when that happened, regardless of the result, it was done. It was cleared. And I've also been to people

and experience really amazing things. But what I will say about men's for me is that

having

put my family through what I'd put them through for all that time, I didn't go to my family and say those words because they've had words over and over and over. And I end up in another treatment centre going. I'm in Plymouth, I'm in Bournemouth, I'm in London, you know, all different treatment centres because I've gone missing, I've gone on the missing

and I'm

part of my men's to my mum's friend, my mom's best friend, just to ring my mum and not lose contact and not disappear and give her a bit of Peace of Mind. But it's been in my actions with my family, as some of, you know, you know, my brother's been ill a couple of times in recovery, really seriously ill. And what I needed to do in that was to show up

and not make that about me, you know, to give my family support, my mum, my brother, you know, my whole family, you know, and we've, you know, reunited in, you know, our family's heal in this, too.

Yeah. So that was a really powerful thing, that set 8:00 and 9:00 process. So my response took me through the rest of the steps and I set about building a life, I guess, you know, with these principles. And

I done some simple stuff that I really couldn't be bothered to do, like go to college and get a voluntary job and stuff like that. But that stuff taught me about responsibility and about

showing up

and I learned stuff I didn't know, you know, so full of, I think I know, but I didn't know a lot of stuff which led me to get a job, which has led me to be able to do nice things like go on holiday and get a driving licence and all that nice stuff. Got engaged in recovery. My partner who I mentioned I met in the first treatment centre.

He went to prison and I went to treatment. We were Co defendants

and

I think that was the only way that we were going to get clean potentially because if Nick goes to prison, I take drugs in and if I go to treatment it brings drugs to me. And we just, although we loved each other, we both desperately wanted to be clean. We couldn't do that together. And I think about being apart for a bit. We had a chance at recovery and thank God, God willing, he got it there and I got it here and we've been able to come back together in recovery.

And that's pretty rare,

I know.

And we've been able to have a relationship. He's like a person I didn't know, you know, He's like a new partner in many respects. I suppose I am too, because we've never known each other apart from that really small bit at the beginning and known each other clean.

And it's good. It's good.

So yeah, there's lots of nice things. We've got a safe school home. I say that a lot. I'm really grateful for that because I didn't have that. I'm saying to Morgan earlier

are flat in London.

It had no no windows, the door was hanging off and there was a engine in the front room at one point.

It's just like horses. I think that's a sign of mental illness. You just hoard everything.

But I'm really grateful to not live the life we LED. You know, it was dangerous. It was ruthless. There was no half measures in our using. And what we discovered in recovery is there's no half measures in recovery either.

Also in recovery of, you know,

change sponsorships and change sponsorship and gone through the steps again. It's been a whole new experience. And I've learnt so much in here that I've applied to my life. You know, I feel like I've grown up here. And I remember, you know, one of our home groups saying, you know, all you've actually got is your current experience. You know, I went through the steps when I got clean, but I've gone through the steps in recovery and learnt a whole new realm of stuff about myself and I think just been, you know, sort of propelled into another

level of, I think, consciousness and I'm loving that process.

I think when I first started taking drugs, I just wanted to be happy. I just wanted to feel OK. And anyone that remembers me when I first came in, I just was not OK here, clean and sober. Not all right, but I've learned to be all right. I've learned that. And no matter what comes my way, I can deal with it. I don't think God gives you anything you can't handle. And what I do know is that I'm surrounded

by a fellowship of people and a handful and a Home group of people that I hold really close and dear that have seen me through the tough times. But I also know that a God of my own understanding that is in me has held me throughout the good, bad and indifferent.

I just want it to be OK and I do. I do feel OK. And I remember saying to like Dean and Alan and sign that when will I feel OK? And I remember Dean saying when it took me at least a couple of years,

someone is.

I don't think I can. But the truth is it probably took a little while for me to be alright. But

for someone who thought they knew it all, I guess I was a slow learner in some ways. I'm really happy to be in my Home group. This has been a consistent part of my recovery from the beginning. What I know about my recovery now is that consistency and discipline is paramount, and you don't get a day off from it.

I'd ever finish a share saying what I think you should do because you're going to do whatever you want to do. So crack on. And then if you want any help with people that will help you. Thank you all. I'll eat there.