The 23rd annual Cocaine Anonymous convention in Birmingham, UK

So I was in my room and I was doing meditation and I felt like I was having this out of body experience and, you know, and I was I was in there and I just felt like I was moving up through the ceiling and I could see all the Birmingham. And then, you know, and I rose up a little bit more and I rose up in the clouds and, you know, and I could just look down and see everything. And I got to this place and it was a platform there and it was this lady standing there when I got there. And she says, you know, hey, this is what I want you to do. I want you to take

chalk

and I want you to write down all your character defects. And I started walking and I started writing and, and I walked and I wrote and I walked and I wrote and I walked and I wrote in about an hour into it. I looked up and I could see from a distance of shadow, just a little shadow from the distance. And I walked and I wrote a little bit more and I wrote a little bit more and, and finally I looked up and it was like I could see a human form and it was coming toward me. And, and I wrote some more and I wrote some more and, and, and, and finally

it was, it was Ricky.

It was Ricky the convention chair. And I said, Ricky, what are you doing here, man? How are you doing? What are you doing here? And he looked at me. He said, why need Carl? I just came back to get some more Chuck.

Hello everyone, my name is Carl and I'm a real cocaine.

And first and foremost I'm going to thank him, who has many names for allowing me to be here at sober. And for that I'm eternally grateful. You know, I want to thank you guys for putting on one hell of a convention. You know, I want to thank the committee for inviting me, thank everybody that has participated, the speakers, the workshops, you know, thank my host Russell and Maria. You know, I came here and I was feeling kind of bad when I got here and I was at Russell's house coughing like I had the bluebonnet plague or something. And you know, and Russell with his,

he bought me cough syrup and everything else. He told me. Motherfucker, I don't care if you died, but you going to speak here?

So. So I'm going to die after the meeting. All right,

You know, man, this is awesome. This is awesome. And I'll share with you why it's awesome. You know, on behalf of my Home group, which is the Pomona Group in San Gabriel, Pomona Valley, we bid you welcome if you ever in California, stop by and see us. We meet on Wednesday night, Tuesday night, Thursday, Friday, and on Saturday morning at 10:00. We have a big book study and you know, and we go real nice and slow. And on Wednesday night we have what's called a crosstalk meeting. And you know, that's exactly,

it's a crosstalk meeting, not, you know, the regular rude meeting where you know you're talking and somebody else is talking. That's called a rude meeting. Now we have a crosstalk meeting and you know, if you the first time you come, we prefer for you to lie.

That way we can get to know, you know,

my story is real simple. It's like everyone's in here almost. You know, I, I came from a relatively good family. I had a great background growing up. You know, I was born in a small town in Tennessee. You know, if you don't know what Tennessee is, it's probably like Luton.

Nobody ever goes there. All the people just been stranded,

you know, and what happened is I came from one of those typical homes buried in the South where, you know, what goes on in the house stays in the house. You know, I don't know if you came from that type of house, but guess where I came from? What goes on in the home stays in the home. You know, my father, he was a he had a third grade education. He was an entrepreneur, you know, one of the smartest men I ever met in my entire life. He provided a home for seven children. You know, I'm talking about in the early,

just early. Watch it, Ricky. Just early, OK?

And you know, and he provided a home for us and you know, each one of us had our own rooms. You know, we shopped that, you know, the exclusive stores at that time. You know, it was Sears and Roebucks.

Look at that. Young people going what?

And so, you know, and whatever's going on in the house is that my father, he was beating the hell out of my mother. You know, my father, he was he, he may have been considered one of us, but he wasn't one of us. You know, they have a line in our book. And they talked about him and, you know, they called him a certain type of hard drinker. You know, what happened is in 1962, my mother left and she took my sisters and me and my brother stayed with my father for another two years. And in that two years, one of the most miraculous things that I've seen in my life happened.

My father stopped drinking and he never took another drink. To the day he died in December 7th, 1996, he never took another drink.

Our book, it describes people like him.

Well, he was able to just put it down and walk away. And you know enough and you know, and I don't know if it was because my mother left or what have you, but he had a sufficient reason to stop. Now, I don't know about you,

but I've had many sufficient reasons and I've had many women leave me, but I haven't found a reason to stop yet.

And what happened is that, you know, we are, we stayed there with my father a couple more years and then me and my brothers, we left and we went to Grand Rapids, MI. When we went to Michigan, it was culture shock. You know, we went from living in this big house and having all this land and money and everything else till we went to moving, moved into and what I like to call a tenement. It was, you know, it was a one bedroom and the kids slept in the room. My mother slept on the couch and you know, and it was a community bathroom. You know, that sounds like a sober house, don't it?

Let me try that again. That sounds like a sober house. Oh, OK. I want to know if some people out there, you know, I took my glasses off so I can't see you, so it don't matter.

So, you know, and we went from having everything man to, you know, going on the social programs, you know, the welfare program and, and all these other little things. And, you know, and what happened is my mother, she went back to school and, you know, and, and we start to live a better life and, you know, and, and, and you know, and what happened is in 1968 in Grand Rapids, MI, something was going on

so, so bad in my life that I didn't really understand what was going on

that,

umm, Thanksgiving 1968. Now, I don't know about you guys, what you do here, but in where I grew up at, there's always that kid table. You guys have that kid table, you know, so I'm sitting at that kid table and all the other kids are there. The grown-ups are over here and somebody comes in with a bottle of Morgan David Old Duck and they pour it all in their glasses on every kid and every kid had a glass.

None of those kids drink any of that night. And I drank 7 glasses of Morgan David. Cole, Doug

and you know, I've always been what's considered an introvert, but that night, man, you know, I had it going on that night, you know, man, that night I was singing James Brown. I feel good. You know, I was doing the dance that went with it, you know, doing the Temptation Strut and you know, and I fell in love the 1st that night. You know, she was 29 and I was 8

and I got my first resentment because I saw her leave with another man.

So I've been resentful where you all for a very long time, you know, and it didn't matter that it was her husband, but it was another man,

you know, my mother, she met this nice man and, you know, and we decided to move and we moved to California. And so, you know, it was, it was like we moved and it was like the Beverly Hillbillies, right? Because, you know, we grew up in Tennessee and we had a southern accent. We went to Michigan and in Michigan they have southern accents. And now we move to California and they don't sound nothing like us because, you know, we saying stuff like y'all

and them and things like that. And we moved to California and they go you guys

and you know, we looking at them like, you know, we heard about people from California anyway, you know, never been there, but we heard about them, you know. And so we moved there man. And what we did is we moved over into what we call the bottoms over there on 43rd and Hooper, right. And you know, if you know anything about California, that's called the East Side. And you know, and we get over there, man. And all these dudes over there, they had like cool nicknames, you know, like Big Sluggo,

you know, Killer,

Killer One, Killer 2, Killer 3, you know, Big Pinky, you know, And they called me Country.

You can't catch a girl with a name like Country, you know, smooth your country ass over there and sit down, you know, and you know, I grew up, you know, with a terrible nickname and a terrible neighborhood and, you know, and, and I started hanging out, man. And, you know, and I became a community activist, you know, I joined the organization to call Community Revolution in Progress,

Crips and

started actively destroying the neighborhood that I was living in. Man, you know enough. And you know, and what made it bad is that, you know, I wasn't a stupid kid. So, you know, you can't grow up and be a gang banger and, you know, and be smart at the same time. So, you know, I had to dummy up in school, but I carried a 3.5 grade point average. Oh, you know, I was on the Dean's list at one point, but then I wanted to do, you know, the after school activities and eventually the actors after school activities ran out.

You know, when I started drinking a little bit more and you know, and I started smoking weed, you know, I smoked weed for two years. That was it because we was too slow for me. I like the zoom, Zoom, you know, I don't know about you guys. You know, I like Zoom. I like to get out there in a hurry. And, you know, and, and at that time in the 70s,

look at Rick,

Ricky made a little comment about horseback earlier, you know, and we had cars in the 70s. Rick, just want to tell you that. OK. Now, when Russell was little, they had horses, but we had.

So, you know,

they have this thing called Angel dust. I don't know if you guys ever heard of Angel dust. It's embalming fluid and you know enough. I don't know about anybody else, but I love the effects produced by Angel dust. You know, Angel dust gets you out there in a hurry. It's real quick. Don't take long. Don't take much, right? I used to like to take mine, dip it, put it in the freezer, take it out, dip it again, put it back in the freezer, light it up, take two hits and take off my clothes.

I don't know why my clothes would come off when I would do that, but they would always come off. You know it.

And then it would make it so bad. I would be up on the roof naked and, you know, and my girlfriend be down there with one of her friends and they would be down there laughing at me, you know, I don't know why they was laughing. They sprayed water on me. So I was having, you know,

we not even go get into that, you know, bad memories automatically, you know, And so, you know, I started smoking Angel dust and, you know, doing things that I wasn't supposed to be doing and, you know, just just detrimental to the whole neighborhood that I was living in and, you know, and never had a job, you know, never want

because my father used to tell us when we was growing up, you know, stuff like games should be sold and not told, you know. So that's the idea that I came up with in the midst of growing up like that. You know, my father, he had what's called you guys called pubs. He owned four of them. And so I grew up in that type of life environment where I would grow in the clubs, in and out of the clubs as a little kid. And so this is what the lifestyle that I desire and I set out to live that lifestyle. I started carrying guns and I started robbing banks and doing things that the normal

heroes I'm not supposed to do, you know? And I enjoyed that lifestyle. I really did, you know. And that lifestyle took me to places that I never should have been going. It helped me allow me to see things and do things that I never should have been doing. You know, first time I snorted cocaine was in 1970.

There he goes again. You know, first time I snorted cocaine, and I mean, you know, it was doing, you know, I don't know if you guys saw the movies like Super Fly and what was his name,

Shaft and all of that. You know, the black exploitation films, Right. And that's when everybody go to school around their neck. You know, it's not like I'm a drug addict, but why do you have to spoon around your neck, You know what I mean? And, you know, the first time I started cocaine, it was like everybody else in the black neighborhood. You know, immediately I snorted cocaine, my voice changed. Yeah, baby, what's happening?

Yeah, we've been going down through those loops.

Everybody in the black neighborhood talk like that as soon as they snorted cocaine. I mean, dudes with deep voices. Yeah. How you doing, man?

Everybody was doing it, man. It was amazing to me, you know. But So what happened is that, you know, I, I went into a bank, OK, to make a withdrawal. And when I came out, the police was out there and asked me for the deposit slip, you know, and they wanted to deposit me into a place. And at that time, I was 18 years old and, you know, and I had a fool man 2

and I have French braids down to the middle of my back. And, you know, and I was cute. I was real sexy. And I was too sexy to be going to the penitentiary. You know, I was not penitentiary material. No, no, no. You know, and, and what happened is I kept fighting this case and the judge made me a deal. You know, the deal was, you know, I could go into any branch of the military that I wanted, or he was going to give me 10 years

and, you know, and I chose the United States Marine Corps. So Ricky, October 24th, 1978, I was standing on the yellow footprints, you know, and it was an adventure for the next 12 years. I would be there and you know enough. And I did what we do. You know what I mean? You know what we do?

You know, I've got there and I was, you know, Bill talked about it. Fortunate applause was throwing my way. I got the promotions. I did exactly what I was supposed to do. You know, I extended my hand so far out that I could continue to pat myself on the back,

you know, and, and it was a great adventure, man. You know, and, you know, and, and, you know, and I met you people

the first time in 1980. You know, I was in IVA Kuni, Japan. I was, you know, in Japan, they drive on the same side of the road. Did you guys drive on? But I got drunk and I wanted to drive on the American side one night. And they kind of frowned on that. And so, you know, I had to go and visit them and, and, and they sent me to visit you all in 1980. I was 20 years old and, and I came to my first meeting of those folks. And it was some idiot like the guy who was up here reading before I got here

some another idiot was reading something else. And then an idiot like me came up and said his name and he said the dumbest thing that I've ever heard in my entire life.

He said my name is John and I'm an alcoholic. Now let's go around the room and introduce our sales.

And they went around the room and each one of them, my name is Bill and I'm an alcoholic. Yeah, you look like one.

My name is Barry. I'm an alcoholic. Oh, that poor child.

My name Randy. I'm an alcoholic. Yeah. And they got to me and I looked around and I said, yeah, my name is Carl. I'm confused

and this idiot stayed up there talking and and he talked for about a few minutes and then he said the words that walked me right out the door. He said I'm powerless

now. I was 20 years old. I was a Sergeant in the Marine Corps, only been in two years and I was already a three strike Sergeant.

I was only drill field and I had power and control. When I walked in the room, 80 men would stand on their feet and they wouldn't move until I tell them to move. I could walk in this building, all these men will stand up and I could walk out that door, come in that door, go out that door and they would still be in the same position. I have power and control, so I don't know what this school was talking about. He powers. Yeah. You be powerless by yourself.

And I signed my card the rest of the four times I was supposed to visit you people because I wasn't coming back,

you know? And a few years later, I married my high school sweetheart. Ladies, take a walk with Carl. Just the ladies. I don't play that funny business. All right,

So ladies,

picture this. I'm 23 years old.

I'm 6,000,000 and a half. 165 lbs of twisted steel and sex appeal.

I said I'm 6/1 and 1/2. This is my story fellas. I see how you looking at. I'm telling this story, all right?

6/1 and 1/2

see, that's why I wouldn't let you go on the journey. See,

and me and this lady, I got married in full dress, blue uniform. We have what's called the officer sword, the Mameluke sword, the whitener knew a guy in supply and we got him when when they said I'd like to present to you for the state of California, Mr. and Mrs. Carl M Warlick, their heels came together and these all guys turned the decision turns walked up the our way. They stopped and all the swords came out and we walked through cross savers.

We cut the cake with the Mameluke sword. The best day of her life.

You guys quick, you must know I'm going somewhere with this.

We got married on a Saturday. I was sleeping with another woman on Sunday.

Judge me, you and CA-2.

You know, and I remember the wedding vows, man, in the wedding vows, you know, we said a lot of good things, a lot of flowering stuff in the wedding vows, one of the things we talked about was, you know, love, honor, protect, you know, what the role of the husband was going to be. And I didn't fulfill any of those roles. You know, within a few months, you know, she was back in LA and I was glad she was gone. You know, it went from being verbal to physical things that I said I would never do. I turn into the person that I said I would never turn into, you know, I turned into my father

and I said I would never be that man. And she went back to LA and, you know, and I was somewhat glad she'd be left. And I and I left the States and I went to Japan and I stayed there for the next five years. And in the next 5 years, I would, you know, get more rank and be more successful at what I was doing. And, you know, and I came back to the States and, you know, and the divorce was already ending, you know, and I was off and running. You know, alcohol has always been prevalent in my life. And that's why I love Cocaine Anonymous, because we get to talk about, you know, cocaine and all other mind.

Substance. All other minority substance. You know, I used to like to take acid. I don't know about anybody else.

Look, I saw some of y'all going

follow that hand all the way across

let's see and so you know I like acid man you know and in the military. I don't know if any of you guys been in the military, man. And they say there's no hey,

turn off that blue light. What are you doing?

And they say in the military, there's no drugs, but, you know, we had everything that we wanted was right there in front of us. And, you know, and don't think I didn't partake in them because I was. And you know, and right after that, you know, they came out with the law that, you know, you couldn't do drugs. But by then I was at E 7, Gunnery Sergeant, and I was the guy that was doing the urine test.

Hallelujah. You know, right, You going to violate the law. You might as well be the law, you know.

And so, you know, are we doing this thing, man? And, you know, and I'm having fun and I'm living life and, you know, and, and then the trouble started because, you know, I got another DUI and, you know, and I had to visit you guys again, you know, around about 85. And, you know, and I just came back to the States and, you know, and I have been watching the television in Japan and, you know, and I have been hearing the news. There was this new thing that was out, you know, called rock cocaine. And, you know, and everybody that I talked to, they told me, Carl, don't mess with this. Don't mess with this. But I remember the first time

free basically was in the 70s, you know, and I took a couple of hits and it went down in my stomach and it made me sick and I never did that again. Now I snorted a lot of cocaine and, you know, and I did other stuff, but that smoking that stuff was not going to be my thing, you know. But like I said, but

should I say it again? So you guys love when I started mentioning cocaine. My story almost over, right? Either I'm going to get sober, I'm going to die up here, one or the other. But you know, it's going to come to an end real quick,

you know. So in 1985, man, I was home and you know enough and and you know, it was one of those typical California days. You know, I had just had another fight with my ex-wife at about 6:00 in the morning, you know, and I remember we used to get notes from our neighbors, you know, every time we moved, we used to get thank you letters. People would thank us for moving, you know, thank you. Glad you're gone, you know, and we had another one of those arguments and, you know, and I was going to leave LA and I went to Pasadena because my mom lived in Altadena,

which is just north of Pasadena. Not I'm driving, man. It's beautiful out there, man. We've driven up this street. I'm going up the street called Barracks. And just picture this, you going north straight toward the mountains. There's palm trees everywhere. It's sunny. It's like 7:00 in the morning. It's about 90°, or should I say 45 Celsius.

Soyables hot, you know? And I got my shirt off and I'm got a beer between my legs already, so I'm feeling kind of good. And I look over and I see this girl standing over to my right. She had six braids that came down to here and her shorts came up to meet her French braids.

And I kind of looked at her and she looked at me. And I still remember when I pulled over, she kind of stuck a leg out and she smiled. She said, hey, sucker. I mean, hey, brother.

And I pulled all over it. Excuse me? I pulled over and she and I made a commitment.

She told me if I spend $10, all these magnificent things were going to happen.

So all she said was $10 and we went to the spot and, you know, and,

and it was just, it was just crazy, man. Picture this. She's over there and we're having this nice conversation. She and I, we just having dialogue and it's back and forth and she's over there doing like this and, and just chopping and doing whatever she was doing. And and I'm over here drinking, thinking, yeah, we can really have some fun up in here.

And she went like this and she said and all of a sudden her loot dropped and she stopped talking like this.

Never seen nothing like that in my entire night. What the hell just happened, you know? And.

You know,

and she said that, you know what, I'm getting nervous now, you know, and I'm thinking the fun is, oh, what just happened, you know? And then she did it again. And she said to me, she said she couldn't say. She couldn't say, she said,

she said.

Hello. Come on. Come on,

who's coming? I got my head on my knife now, you know

what's going on here? I don't understand. Nothing that's going on, you know, I've never seen this. You know, she's standing there peeking out the window and carrying on. Oh, no, no. What happened when she looked at music, you know? So

no, not if it's doing you like that. I don't know, you know it. And we just, and you know what? I'm sitting there shaking, my heart beating fast, and I haven't even hit it yet, you know? I'm just scared, you know? And she does it again and, you know, and this time she just looked at me and her head splitting around like the Exorcist.

And she came back with that look on her face. I want to play.

No, you're not playing with me

and, you know, in, in 1600 dollars later,

I'm just saying. And you know, $1600 later, none of those things she said would happen to happen, you know. No, because after I put her out, you know, you got to go and you know, and, and you know, and the big book man, it makes it real simple. You know, it talks about people like me and you know, it tells me why I do what I do. It says men and women like Carl, they drink essentially because they like the effects produced by it.

But see, I'm here to tell you the secret. I'm gonna give you the secret right here.

Thank you, brother. I appreciate you.

Russell is selfish self. We didn't get me

he's he's supposed to be my friend and my host.

He got what he wanted out of me. Now he don't need me no more.

And so

the real secret is this right here. What the big book should have said was men and women like Carl, they smoke.

You guys ready for this? You ready? Because they like the effects produced by car antennas.

Yeah. I spent $1600 on a car antenna about this long and for the next 7 years I would chase car antennas like a dog. You know, rent 1010 or something all over LA. All of a sudden, California, I would just chase car antennas and for the next 7 years I would.

So I'm still in the Marine Corps and I'm still doing things and I get a viable position. I move up to Quantico and you know, and my buddy, he's getting out and he has an ideal. He don't know that I'm hitting the pipe or smoking car or car antennas. He don't know that I'm smoking car antennas and he's getting out and he comes up with a brilliant idea that I put in the practical application. His idea was he's going to become a truck driver. He's going to drive from the East Coast to the West Coast. And every time he comes back, he's going to bring back cocaine.

Now I'm in Quantico, Virginia. Some of you probably know what Quantico, Virginia is and what they do there. For others that don't, Chronicle not only trains the Marine Corps officers there, but they also train the FBI, the CIA, and all types of intelligent people that have something to do with law enforcement. Probably a dumb idea if you want to sell cocaine and Quantico,

but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Alright, I'm just saying, you know, and

and So what happened is that, you know,

you know how we're steward out from Scotland or Stuart

Stewart, you know how you got out of jail? They the police told the people that are they arrested? They said you give us two and you can go free.

He must not be here, huh? Because I know he would have said something about that. I'm not fucking snitch, Carl.

So, so that's what happened. Two people got arrested and I ended up in Leavenworth. 36 months. I took the deal. They were offering me the deal. And to make it so bad, it was 10 years from the day when I was supposed to been arrested in 76. Here it is in 86. I'm finally on my way to federal prison.

I'll get a bad conduct discharge from the Marine Corps. I do my little 36 months over in Leavenworth and I and I'll get out and I'll go to Tennessee and I try to live there. By now I'm so resentful and I'm so hateful, you know, that nobody really want to be around me and I don't want to be around nobody, you know, and, and start doing stuff down there in Tennessee and you know it. And then the South, they don't play that stuff and they put me on a bus. Two big old dudes, just like they show in in in the movies. Two big old dudes with Smokey the Bear hats on

grab me up one night and said, boy, if you come back here again, we gonna kill you.

They put me on a bus and sent me back to California. And you know, and that behavior didn't stop, man. You know, I, I started just, you know, I was already wreaking havoc on everywhere that I went. Now I'm starting to wreak havoc in the people that's close to me, you know, and I started to do things and say things and hurt people that that shouldn't have been hurt, you know, because I don't know what you do. But when I take a hit off that pipe when I smoke cocaine, all bets are off. I have no friends. You know, when I smoke cocaine, I hear people say they had all these lavish parties and all of that right there.

No, when I smoke cocaine, that is my job, that is my business. And if you get in the way of me and my business, you will get hurt. You know, I smoke cocaine with people one way, and they only smoke with me one time because after I run out, I pull out my gun and I usually rob you. I don't care if you're a woman or a man, you know, shake them, take them clothes off, everybody on the floor. That's what I do, you know, And what happened is that I got tired, man.

I got tired, you know it. In October of 1992, I had all the meat that I could stand, you know, I smoked all I could smoke. I shot all the dope that I could shoot. I drank all that I could drink. I was at this lady's house and I have been there for a couple of weeks and, you know, and I hadn't showered. I hadn't did anything, you know, You know when you

excuse me ladies, I'm going to talk to the guys.

You know, fellas, when you unzip your fly and your eyes start watering,

that's how funky I was.

Look, you see some of the guys not laughing because they know what I'm talking about, you know? And that's how it got for me, man, 'cause, you know, it was just about getting loaded and just about getting the next one, you know? And I had hit a lick that night. That mean I went out and I robbed somebody that night

and I came back to this lady's house and you know, enough we were smoking, you know, I was shooting dope and we had alcohol and you know, and I shot dope and I drank and I smoked dope. I shot dope and I drank and I smoked dope. And I don't know if it ever happened to you, but on that night, on that particular night, no matter how much I put in my system, no matter how much I put in my system, I just couldn't get loaded that night. You know, it wasn't the fact that it stopped working because drugs and alcohol never stopped working. I just couldn't get loaded that night.

I got off from that table that I was sitting at and I went back and I knelt down on this 50 linoleum floor and I said the words that are most effective in the all the 12 step communities.

God help me please. That's all I said

when I got off off the floor. Then I started walking.

Now I was in Pasadena, CA when I say God help me and when I start walking, I was in Long Beach, CA which is 26 miles away. I walked to the VA hospital when you know and I had got a bad conduct discharge. So therefore they wasn't supposed to allow me in, in the premises. But God had already had a plan for me. It was already set up, it was pre ordained. I was destined to be where I was supposed to be. You know, on that day on October 7th, I checked into the VA hospital,

you know, and they gave me 28 days. And in the 28 days, there's something miraculous happened. The magic didn't happen to me, but somebody brought in the magic.

Is there anybody that do hospitals and institutions in here? Anybody let you know?

Thank you,

thank you, thank you.

Because a man came down and he brought them. He brought a panel of hospitals and institutions in there. There's a line in our book of experience. It says

practical experience shows that nothing so much ensure immunity from that next hit or that next drink, that intensive work with another alcoholic. Then there's a process. It says this works when all other activities fail. See, that man had read the book and he had read it well. And I was one of the lucky stiffs that was sitting in the front row that night. And, you know, he came in there, man. And, you know, and I don't remember what he said, but I remember what that woman said.

She said what I had heard in some other meetings. And I know some of you probably related to that.

She had on some shorts that was too short for H and I

and I weighed about 135 lbs. And I look like that bobble head up there. Just big old head, a little bitty body. I had a tooth missing in the front and I was sitting there smiling at it with a tooth missing.

And I remember she looked right at me and she said, Carl, if you want what I have and I'm willing to go to any lengths to get it. And

right after the meeting, I wanted to see what she had, you know, and what happened is the man cut me off and, you know, and he told me, he said, he asked me, he said, man, where you live. And I,

I didn't want to tell him I'm wholeness in Pasadena. He said, when you get out of here, man, he said, go to Altadena 185. Now, if you guys remember, I told you my mother lived in Altadena, right?

The church that the man suggested that I go to was 185 out to Dena Dr. My mother lived in 186 Alta Jenna Drive. I had been sitting on her porch a lot of times sitting on the porch just looking straight ahead and watching these people going in and out of this meeting and I didn't know it was a meeting. I just thought to myself, damn, when the church going, as people haven't seen in my life,

you know, they were there every day just going and going.

And, you know, and I went to my first meeting of Cocaine Anonymous on a Thursday and you know, enough, back in 92, you know, the people wasn't that nice up in there, man, 'cause you know, I had 28 days straight out of treatment. And, you know, and I knew a whole lot

I did. And I wanted to share with them how much I needed

here, what I had to say. And they proved it. When the lady told me, I raised my hand. She said, newcomer, sit your ass down and shut the fuck up.

And and what made it so bad? She had to cast on her leg and I know she couldn't fight. And, and I just sat down like the punk that I was, you know, and you know when I start going to meetings, man, and you know, and, and I wouldn't suggest you do this people if you, if you knew in the fellowship, I started going to meetings.

I went to meetings Monday through Friday. I didn't go on Saturday and Sunday because I wanted to watch American football.

And then somebody told me, said, hey, man, you know, people get loaded on Saturday and Sunday. I said what? And I started going on Saturday and Sunday and I had commitments and I would do the literature commitment to coffee commitment and

little commitments like that. But I had no major commitments like sponsorship. And I stayed around for six months and I was lifting weights

where a wife beater T-shirts,

walking around like I was still on the yard

and wonder why nobody was hugging me.

And it was this man there. You know, I didn't like him. I didn't like him. I really didn't like him because he had embarrassed me in front of him girls one day because, you know, I couldn't read when I got here and I was reading who was a cocaine addict when I was destroying who's a cocaine addict? And he corrected me

and I looked at him and he looked at me and he said keep coming back.

And I said I am. I'm coming back to whoop your ass.

My sole intentions, you know, and I started hanging out and I, you know, and I started, I started ear hustling. You know what ear hustling is? People who've been sober for a while, I would, you know, kind of ease up and listen to their conversations.

And one day I had got my little first car, you know, my little $200.00 CA car. And, you know, and this day, for some reason, after the meeting was over, the parking lot went, everybody was gone except for that man. And my car wouldn't start.

And he came over to me and he said, hey, man, you need some help? Hey, man, screw you, pal.

And I started walking and I started walking and it was a long way to get down the street. And I started walking and it was hot like it is, you know, 45 Celsius above. It was hot and, you know, and he rolled past me and he went.

I was furious, you know,

and I turn the player and walk some more. He came again.

I was thinking I'm gonna kill him when I see him. I'm just getting my hands around his neck, you know, and you know, And he came back down the hill and he said eat, Nick. And he left the window down. He said, hey, man, you need to ride. I see. Yeah, I

Oh no, Oh no, no clap because I didn't surrender. Now I got in the car, I slammed the door as hard as I could, and I commenced to look at him. You know, with that steely eyed 6th grade killer look.

And he's driving a long man. He's talking about God, his family been restored, the 12 step made it possible, and all of it. And he turned and he looked at me the same way I was looking at him.