The Big Book Serenity Breakfast in Minnetonka, MN

Good morning. My name is Barton. I'm a recovered alcoholic

and my Home group is the jaywalkers group as Dick said in Sedona, and we meet on Wednesday nights at 6:00. We are also a big book study group,

very small group, about 20 members, and we can spend an entire hour on one paragraph, and that's the way we like to go through. It

is encouraged at our meeting

and we do a lot of it, but we do it in a loving spirit.

Want to This is a very difficult thing for me to do. It doesn't, it doesn't come naturally and it blows my mind that I that I get the opportunity to to do this on an occasional basis and, and do service for Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I'm very clear on why, why it happens. And it is because that in around June 12th of 1995, I started a journey that started with asking God to remove me of the bondage of self so that I could do His will and to take away my difficulties so that victory over that can bear witness to those I could help of His power, His love and His way of life.

And soon following after that,

I asked him if he would give me the strength to go out and do his bidding. And I meant that from the bottom of my heart. And I believe that's why I get to do this and, and I'm able to do this. So I want to thank all of you for participating in, in, in God's plan for us this morning in doing this. And I really want to thank

the people that put this together and asked me to come here and took me out for an amazing dinner last night

and some laughs and met new friends. You know, we're all family and friends. And I have to say, this is the third time that I've gotten to speak in this area. And it's my favorite place to come to speak when they talk about. And I just heard it for the first time this weekend, Minnesota friendliness or something like that. Well, I'm an advocate for that. You guys hold true to that because I've always felt very comfortable and welcomed when I come to this area. And Dick has been an amazing host,

and not only amazing host, but he's got a new job as a travel agent. Because I had no idea that my flight was canceled to leave at 7:00 tonight, that they changed it to 2:00 this afternoon. So I was going to hang around and hang out with you guys, and I got to rush right to the airport as soon as I'm done with the talks. I apologize for that. You could thank the airlines for that though.

But but Dick was the one that realized that so or I would have just been hanging around.

I forgot to set my timer here

so I was I was In case you didn't. I live in Sedona AZ but I was born in New York City and I've only been in Arizona for about 6 years now and

my parents burn alcoholic. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home, I was the only alcoholic there. I had a father who was as cold as the cold this day

here in Minnesota, and a mother that was the complete opposite. She was a very loving, fragile, neurotic woman.

So, so it was an interesting mix and, and I picked up my first drink in about fifth grade. I was very early in getting started in, in my drinking career, if you want to call it a career. And I would go to school in fifth grade and there was a big schoolyard that we would go out for lunch

and the teacher would say, you know, stay on this side of the schoolyard. Do not go on the other side of the schoolyard where those people are. And as soon as she returned ahead, I would beeline it for hang out with the older guys that were drinking over there. And my hero was a guy who lived in a building around the corner for me, Roger. And he died of a heroin overdose. And even after he died, he was one of my heroes.

So there was something wrong with my thinking. Alcohol did something for me.

My, my personality is to be extremely shy, a liar, a cheater, a thief.

And alcohol helped me do those things and helped me socialize a little bit. 5th grade, I was, I was already getting left back because I wasn't going to school anymore and my parents were moving to another neighborhood and they decided to have a meeting about me before they moved. And they and they promoted me and I and I went to the news. I was supposed to go into the new school. And that summer I spent every single day riding my bicycle from. Thank you

from the

new neighborhood to the old neighborhood, because I didn't really want to go out in the street and meet kids. Just, I didn't know how to do that. So I would go back to the old neighborhood and, and learn how to, you know, drink some more and, and, and that was it. And the the the first day of school came and I was scared to death.

I didn't. I didn't want to go to school where I knew nobody. And my parents had a little closet at the front door and there was liquor kept in that closet.

I went through that closet and I guzzled down some booze and I felt OK to go to school and it worked. So I continued to do that every day. And then I met the kids that were drinking and smoking pot and,

and I did it very different than than they did. And so I started getting in a lot of trouble. I started getting caught. I was keeping alcohol in my locker. I was getting caught doing things in the in the bathroom or behind the handball court.

And there was a woman who came from a program called Project 25 and she came every single week, one day a week. And, and I had to start going to see her instead of going to one particular class. And, and she started giving me this, the next threat, which was that if I continue to get in trouble with alcohol in school, that I was going to be taken out of

regular school and put into Project 25. And that really scared me because that meant that I would have to

meet new friends and I didn't want to do that, but I didn't want to quit drinking either. And I became a full time student of Project 25

at At project 25, I'm really warm. If you don't mind at Project 25,

I,

they educated my family very well about, you know, I continued to get into trouble and they educated my family very well about not putting up with me when I came home drunk. And my family would

try to recommend reprimand me for that. Things would start flying, furniture would fall down or I would go and leave and live on the street and live in friends garages or apartment building staircases so that I could drink because that's really all I wanted to do. I found alcohol and, and I felt it worked for me and I didn't want to give it up. So my parents provided a beautiful home, but I preferred to live elsewhere so that I can continue to drink. And

then in New York, there's something called a PINS petition, person in need of supervision, and they send you to the courts as a person in need of supervision. And judges started telling me where I had to live. And so I spent a lot of my youth in and out of juvenile detention centers, juvenile prisons

under the supervision of New York State. And, and I would get in a lot of trouble in those places. A lot of the waiting time. They would have me sleeping in shelters in New York and in the shelters I would sneak out and I would

start drinking night train with the with the bombers on the street like, and then sneak back in. And then they would put me on clothes restrictions. So I would just go live on the street until I had to show up for court and I would go to court and then they put me into a detention. And I thought that was a normal life.

In 1970, seven, 1978, I was away in a place upstate New York for 18 months. And at that place, the the counselors there were telling me the same thing, that every place that I went to that actually had counselors would tell me that you seem like a good kid and if you just didn't drink, you would be OK.

And I wouldn't hear another word they said after that because the only time that I felt OK was when I drank. So therefore, what they had to say to me had absolutely no depth and weight whatsoever.

But I started thinking, being away for 18 months and realizing that a lot of my friends are graduating. A lot of my friends, you know, have regular girlfriends. A lot of my friends are working. They're living normal lives. They're home with their family for Christmas. They're celebrating their birthdays

with their friends and family. You know, they're having this normal life, and I'm not. And so I made a decision that when I got out of this place, I wasn't going to drink the way I was drinking. And I came home and I went to the high school for the first day. And I was called out of the homeroom class. And I was called into the Dean's office. And the Dean sat me down and he opened up my records and he started looking at my records. And he said, we don't want your trouble here. And we're going to be

watching you and if you get into any trouble here, you're out. Well, I knew that I didn't want to drink the way I was drinking and I, but I didn't feel that I was going to be a St. And, you know, I really hadn't had any real education since 5th grade because things started to go downhill from there with education from my drinking. So I got up and I walked out and I went home and my parents had divorced by this time. And I went home and my my dad was a fairly successful businessman.

And I asked my mother if she would call my father and if they would agree on signing me out of school and if I can go work

for my father at one of his stores. And so they had that discussion and they agreed that that would probably be what's best for me. And so they signed me out of school and I was going to go to work for my dad. And the first day of work came and it was a a cold morning in October, the week of my birthday, and I woke up feeling like I had arrived. I'm going to be a working man. I'm finally going to make my family proud because my whole family, you know, really had

no, I don't know if the word respect, but no hope for me. And I was going to change that. And I was standing at the bus stop waiting to go to work for the first day and really feeling alive. And a friend of mine came over and he gave me a little bottle of Jack Daniels as a birthday present. And I said, this week I'm going to sell this weekend. I'm going to celebrate that I'm a working man and my birthday. And it started getting kind of cold at the bus stop, I guess. So I took a little sip to warm up

and then I was on the bus on the way to work and I started getting really scared about going to work. So I polished off that little bottle of Jack Daniels and I walked into work for the first day and I made a complete fool of myself and of my father, who worked very hard in talking to his business partners about getting me to work there and made a complete fool of all of them. And that wasn't my intention. That morning. I woke up with a clear intention of making my family proud. And I didn't understand why that happened. I understand today why it happened because I'm an alcoholic

and I can't control how much I drink and I had that insane idea of warming up and calming my nerves and instead I got loaded.

That continued for years and, you know, the war stories of the things that I did aren't really that important, but the, the things got worse.

What do I want to move on to? Many years later, another attempt of trying to get sober. I, I, I, I met a woman who

was a detox nurse and she was 10 years older than me and met her out in California and I decided to come back with her here and marry her. And I figured I'd marry to a detox nurse. This will work. That'll keep me sober. And

Needless to say, my sober date isn't, you know, 1982 when I met her. So it didn't work. And she had a son that was 10 years. She was 10 years old and me, she had a son that was like 9 or 10 years younger than me

and that was an interesting relationship. If she was sitting in this room in the front row, I wouldn't recognize her today. I have no idea who that woman was. When I, I, when I, when I get into about the amendments, it was an interesting amends there.

So things still got a lot worse with that. I started hanging out with her friends. She wasn't allowed in the bar that we drank in. If she, if she opened the door, I would throw her out immediately. And, and eventually we had gotten divorced and, and then I was hanging out at a house that really nobody in the neighborhood would go anywhere near. They would cross the street before they walked near us. We all owned motorcycles. None of them ever left the garage because we were too busy drinking. So

we own bikes, but none of us rode them.

And, and, and the house was owned by four brothers and one of the brothers, Warren,

he wasn't like coming out into the yard anymore and, and drinking with us. And he saw a bunch of guys would pull up every afternoon and he'd go into the garage and get his bike and, and he would take off with them. And one day I said, Warren, where you been going? And he said, I, I just couldn't live the way I was living. And I decided that I wanted to get sober. And I'm going Alcoholics Anonymous. That's nice.

Now, I had never heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. Really like all those treatments and everywhere I had ever been. They really never talked to me about being an alcoholic. They never talked to me about Alcoholics Anonymous. But I guess I had some kind of idea, but not enough to ask more questions. And I just said, that's nice.

But eventually, sometime in 1987, I gave Warren a call and I said, you know, I think I really want to go to one of those meetings you're going to. And he, he told me he was going to work and that he wasn't going to meeting that night. And he told me where there was a meeting. And he said, if you go there, you know, you'll see what it's all about and see if that's what you want to do. And, and people will be real friendly to you. Go ahead. You'll be OK. Just go. So I was a mess. I mean, obviously if I finally decided I want to go Alcoholics Anonymous, I must be a real mess.

So,

so I went there and I went there really early and it was at a big school and I, and I got there real early and I was just walking around the block and I parked my car and I was walking around the school and around and around and around and really thinking about do I want to do this? And then it was getting close to the time. I have no idea where the entrance is to get in for the meeting. And I'm just like, oh, maybe I won't find it. And you know, that'll be all right. And a guy comes over to me at that timing and he says, are you looking for the a, a meeting? And I said yes. And he said, follow me. I'm

setting it up. So I followed him into the room and I watched him setting up the chairs a little different and putting little signs up and pamphlets up. And he hands me this little blue card and he says, do you want to read this? I went, yeah, sure. So now lots of people are starting to walk into the room. So I was so glad I had this little blue card because I'm just sitting there reading it and reading it and reading it because I couldn't look anybody in the eye. And and they opened up the meeting. And, you know, he opened up the meeting, he said, and to read the open the closed statement we have,

I went, what? And my heart jumped out of my toes. I had no idea he gave me something to read out loud. I thought he'd just be nice and say do you want to read this?

And I spent what I swear to God was no more than 5 minutes but felt like 5 hours planning my escape. And I left the meeting because if that's what Alcoholics Anonymous is about is reading shit out loud, it ain't for me.

And I left, and I got lost in the school. I couldn't find my way out. I had no idea how we got in there.

And, and I and things are running through my head that I'm going to get arrested for trespassing and, you know, and this is like going to be a really bad night and I just need to get the hell out of here and get drunk. And

I, I found my way back to you guys where the meeting was and I leaned on the wall outside and I figured when you guys leave, I'll just follow you out and I'll go drink myself to death.

And the meeting ended and a bunch of guys came over to me and said, Oh, where'd you go? You know, come with us, We're going to the diner. And I was like, oh, I got so much shit to do. I can't go with you to the diner. I, I had a million excuses and you guys, they wouldn't take one of them. And I ended up going to the diner with them And, and I met a whole lot of really good friends and Alcoholics Anonymous and

I didn't participate in it. I became a hang around of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I smoke cigarettes outside. People would say why don't you raise your hand and just say your name? And I wouldn't do it. I had people, I had friends. My friend Ralph used to say, but I'll give you 20 bucks just raising hand and say your name, I'll give you 20 bucks. And I was like,

Nope,

today there's a lot of people that are gonna be 500 bucks to shut up.

But but I also couldn't get any better. You know, I learned that sobriety is not my solution. Sobriety is my problem. I get worse, not better when you take alcohol away from me. I ended up in, in that dry time, I ended up marrying a wonderful woman and having a beautiful daughter and,

and getting good jobs that I could actually keep because the bosses didn't suck anymore.

And, and those things happen when you just don't drink. But inside I was dying and I would have given anything to get drunk and, and I would sneak little things, you know, like, and, and still say I'm sober. She would smoke pot every once in a while and, and I, I would say, oh, let me give you a shotgun, you know, and like, so I get a little buzz and still say I'm sober. Or I go into the supermarkets and empty all the nitrous cans and, you know, all the whipped cream cans. And what's the harm in that? You know, as long as I'm not drinking?

And eventually, in the end of 1994, it was all over and I went on a mayor tear. And that was actually after my wife and daughter had come home from a vacation that they went on alone, put their suitcases down, and I said I'm leaving and ended that marriage. I didn't know how to keep anything that was good sober because I were not drinking because I was so miserable with me. When you took the alcohol away and replaced it with nothing.

So I went out on that mad tear and and and I don't know.

I guess emotionally I hit a bottom of all bottoms, but it wasn't, I didn't get into the troubles that I had gotten into when I was younger. Some troubles, but not not nearly what had happened in the past. So it wasn't that that drove me back. I I think I got a taste of what a a probably could be. And so I, so it kind of ruined my drinking and stuff, but I, but I couldn't,

I couldn't live with it all without it was the bottom line. You know, the book talks about that in a vision for you. And, and that was my deal. I, I didn't know how to live with it or without it. And I was at the jumping off place and, you know, and, and

I would try and come back and people would say if you just didn't drink, you'd be OK. And I'm like, man, I'm not drinking and I'm not OK. So there's no truth to that, you know, and, and, and a whole lot of these real catchy phrases and Alcoholics Anonymous, that has absolutely nothing to do with our program. And if you're an alcoholic like me, what it actually does is drives you very close to suicide.

Because I saw people that were getting better by just not drinking and going to meetings and putting the plug in the jug

and calling their sponsor and saying, I'm having a rough day. I want to drink. And their sponsor talks to them and they just don't pick up a drink. And I'm like, I'm trying to listen and they work and I'm just getting worse. There's something else wrong with me more than alcoholism. I might as well just blow my brains out because I'm never going to be able to live this life, you know, this thing they call life. And

in the midst of all of that, I was got involved back in some outside issue

that I go to another fellowship for as well. And I was at what's called the bodega. It's like a Spanish deli in New York. And you know, there's nothing on the shelves that is not expired, but there's some stuff behind the counter that you can buy. And, and they didn't want to sell it to me. And I went absolutely ballistic. And I was lucky that this these people didn't cut me up and throw me in the dumpster

because I needed something. You won't give it to me. And I got really irate that night and

somehow, and I know today, thank you, God,

I don't remember going from that bodega back to you guys, but I was in a meeting that night

and I really had no idea driving there. And I was in a meeting that had never been to before. And I was at every meeting in Queens, NY, I thought, and this was called the Utopia Young People's Group. And there were some young people there that were absolutely enjoying life and talking about things that I had no idea what the hell they were talking about. That was in this book

and I didn't know what what they were doing and

one of them was celebrating a one year anniversary.

These guys will go the young guys neighborhood and girls and they were going out to clubs after a Friday night beginners meeting in Manhattan and and dancing and having fun and getting into mosh pit and and just like really digging life and not seeing that they were in a bar and I didn't get it. And of course my mind was saying they're just not alcoholic like I am. You know, that's why they can do this, you know? But that wasn't the truth because one night Audie was celebrating his one year anniversary

and his sponsor, Eric was speaking for him. And Eric was hysterical when he was describing what it was like,

very animated, rolling around on the floor, pretending to stretch for the phone, like when he was dialing 911 for himself.

Then he started talking about being recovered

and going anywhere or any other person can go without danger and,

and being happy, joyous and free and absolutely loving life and the problem of alcoholism being removed.

And the more he talked about that, the more my blood started boiling. And I turned around to Audie and I said, that's your sponsor up there speaking, right? And he said, yeah, I say, think tonight you should find a new one.

And he said why? And I said because I am going to kill him

and all. He looked at me with a big grin on his face and he said I'm sure he would love to talk to you. Why?

And so after that meeting, I guess him and Artie had a little visit

and

they discussed me going to talk to Eric and Eric on the, a little recovery store that sold coins and books and clocks and, you know, all kinds of recovery stuff. So he had a pretty free life to talk about recovery. So that audience said go see Eric tomorrow at at at his store. I said, you got it, I'm going to kill him.

And so I woke up real early that morning to go kill this man because I was still boiling. Like, you know the nerve of him to lie to a bunch of people who are suffering

and tell them that you can live this great life. Like he has no right doing this and he needs to be like disposed of.

So I so I pulled up across the street from his store and he was standing outside waiting for me and he saw me coming. So he went back in the store and went behind the counter and because he knew I was coming to kill him, he was warned, but but he wanted to see me and and Eric spent,

Eric spent no less than two hours talking about the war stories, talking about his alcoholism, talking about his alcoholic mind, talking about how bad he didn't want to drink and he would drink. And I was going, shit, that's me,

that's me. And after over two hours of him talking and me listening and identifying, I said,

if you would really like that,

how the hell can you be talking

about life being so good today?

And he said, I'm glad you finally asked. He said if you follow the directions that are in the 1st 164 pages of our big book and live it as a way of life and be willing to give it back to others, you could have the same freedom I talk about. And I said, you know what, I've pretty much a fifth grade education. I've never read a book in my life. I heard that's really shitty reading and

I guess I'm doomed. Thanks anyway. And I started to leave and he came really quickly around that county and he grabbed me at the shoulder and he said,

I'll tell you what,

I'll read that book to you.

The only stupid question you can have is the one you don't ask. Let's go through it together,

I said. Deal.

And I started to learn

about what you meant when you said don't pick up the first drink, you won't get drunk. I thought you were just being a bunch of wise guys.

I had no idea about the physical allergy. And it made a lot of sense, you know, from that first time going to work for the first day to hundreds of other times that I wanted to control my drinking and couldn't because I really did want to not be a drunk. I really liked drinking, but I didn't want to be a drunk, so I would try to control it. And I didn't understand why I couldn't. And that doctor's opinion really explained it well.

More about alcoholism was the first time reading that chapter was the first time I cried in front of another man's

talking about the alcoholic mind talking about not being able to playback the old tapes talking about, you know, not having the the force. I you know I came in here. We Agnostics was also great chapter for me because I came in here not believing in God and and I would have fought you tooth and nail that there is no God and I would have even went to fist with you over it because I just didn't believe it. And I thought you were a fool if you believed it.

And that really

opened me up to it. But what really opened me up to believing and We Agnostics was this thing about the alcoholic mind that if I can't fix myself, there better be something. Because I understand today what it's like to bang my head against the wall, to crawl into a corner and cry and say I can't live like this anymore. To want to not drink with every single fiber of my existence

and yet find myself drinking.

I understand what that's like. You know, there's a, there's two words that are used very lightly in Alcoholics Anonymous today that I hold very close to me because they help me with my continuous first step experience. And one is where we say the only requirement for membership is a desire not to drink. And if you look up in the dictionary, desire has many ways of being used. And there's a way that's described in the dictionary that says

a strong urge of feeling to do something that you cannot do.

That was me, you know, I didn't just want to stop. I had a strong urge and desire to stop and couldn't. And the other thing that keeps me

seeking God more and more and more is the definition of obsession, which we don't use anymore. But I looked it up in the 1930s, Webster's Dictionary, and it said to be to be vexed or besieged by an evil power outside of yourself.

That makes a lot of sense to me because everything in my body, everything in my mind didn't want to drink. So why did I do it? Because there was something outside of me that was making me do it. And if there's something outside of me that's making me do it, then I need a power greater than that to not.

And that was hard for somebody that doesn't believe in God or religion. But I needed to try and find figure this out. So I became willing. That second step for me is I'm willing to be willing because otherwise look at the life I'm living.

So when we got to the third step with Eric,

we talked about that and he he asked me, you know, to

if, if there was a God, what would I want that God to, to look like?

And I wanted to impress him. So I said God is love. And he started laughing.

I was like, what's so funny about that? I've heard other people say that. And that sounds like a good idea. He goes, well, I've gotten to know you bought and you're married and separated from your wife. You're living with this little girl that's 10 years younger than you, and you're sleeping with a girl who's 12 stepping you. And you're in love with all of them. If your definition of of love is that

you better find some other God. So I said, well then I don't know. He said perfect God as you understand them and you don't know what that is. And that's where I started God as I understand them and I don't understand them. And I got to tell you, you know,

next month will be 20 years sober and I still don't understand God. But God is everything to me. I love God, I know God loves me.

I believe He is in everything and how could I understand that ever?

But that's where I started God as I understand them and I don't, and we said that third step prayer and, and, and I said it with meaning it, with everything. You know, if, if, if God removes, if there is a God and God removes these problems from me, you bet I will bear witness of his love, his power and his way of life. If, if it works and I don't believe it's going to work, but if it works, I will absolutely spend my life bearing witness.

And we got down and we said that prayer

and we stayed quiet for a little while. And, and he handed me a pen and a paper. And he said, right, everybody that pisses you off. He says as a matter of fact is right. Everybody you know, And then we'll figure out why they piss you off.

My world was pretty small, so it wasn't like a huge list, but but it was long enough. And then he said, I'm sure you hate all rules and regulations, so write them all down. And so I just started writing all this stuff down and why? And, you know, and I did that pretty quickly. You know, I wanted to get free. So I just wrote all this stuff down and

I wrote the fear inventory. And it was amazing how I thought I had absolutely no fears. Like I thought I was this tough guy who had No Fear

and you know, I was even my little thing here on my clock says seek truth without fear because it's the hardest thing for me to do, you know, is to seek truth without fear. But I devote my life today to seeking truth and try and do it without fear. But you know, finding the truth is not easy. And that and that's what I believe that fourth step was for it. It showed me a lot of truth. It showed me that I wasn't God, even though I didn't think I was. I acted as if I did. But it showed me what God was. It showed me that there really is a God as I,

as I boiled down, as I said, you know, I'm afraid of this. And he said, why are you afraid of that? What are you afraid it will happen? And I came up with another fear and he said, well, why are you afraid of that? And I boiled down these fears and I had millions of fears. And today when I write inventory, because I am a step worker and you know, I do a lot of inventories, I can't stay sober on the one that I did 20 years ago because I want to keep getting freer. This is this program is not about relief. It's about freedom. And it and it takes a lot of spiritual work,

but So what? What's wrong with that? You know, it took a hell a lot more work to stay drunk so

and then doing the sex inventory. But I really, you know, I really started to have this experience of that there probably is a God, you know, and after this really long talk of the 5th step with him and, and a lot of him seeing the truth that I couldn't see. And I think that's so important even for me today when I write inventory, it's so important to share it with other people because

my perception of things is so off when I'm writing it down. If I'm in a resentment, chances are my perception is pretty off. So I need somebody else to sit with me and say, is it possible that we can look at it this way? Like our book says, we're prepared to look at it from a different angle. Well, sometimes I can't just look at it from a different angle on my own. So I need somebody to help me. And so I, I love the 5th step, not why I'm doing it, but

when I return home, I do and, and, and then, you know, returning home and, and thanking God from the bottom of our heart that we know Him better.

Read that in words. You go. I just wrote a whole thing about myself. How the hell am I going to know God better? But when you go home and you experience it, I know for me and you know tons of people that I worked with, it's the experience that we have that we don't get to know why sells better. Shit, I knew myself. Why a cheetah thief, drunk junkie. I need to write an inventory to know that I got to know God better and that was important.

And I was the first time I went through the steps. The 6th step was really easy. My life is a mess. There's nothing good about me. God, you could have all of me,

whatever good there is and bad and you know, and it was interesting because, you know, I didn't leave him much to work with. You know, I really destroyed my life and it's amazing the life that God has given me, even though I didn't leave him much left to work with. And I and I've got a very rich life today. So it says a lot for Alcoholics anonyms because I was a very low bottom.

And if, if I have this rich life, anybody in here could have it.

But the 6th step, I was all of it. And I then I, I had some tangible stuff to offer him in that 7th step. That's what that 4th. And you know, it's amazing how the 3rd through 7th step works. You know, a decision to get rid of the garbage in our life, but I don't know what it is. So I'll write some inventory and share with somebody else to discover what it is. And then I have some tangible stuff to say. Here it is, God. This is what's not working for me, you know, take it away.

And I was willing to go out and make all those amends and I didn't know how. And I asked God for help

and I started hearing some really strange sounds,

me knocking on people's doors,

saying I'm here to sit wrong some some rights, I mean, some rights and wrongs.

Old habits are hard to die.

I'm here to set them right. And some amazing experiences happened in the ninth step.

A lot of them didn't workout the way I wanted. But the other amazing thing happened through the night step. We have those promises that definitely come true for us. But I had an interesting experience and I know lots of people that have the same experience that those promises don't only come true for us, but they come true for the people we're going to. You know, I got here and you couldn't get much more selfish and self-centered. And I had a good teacher, my father, who, you know, you couldn't get much more selfish and self-centered than that man. And

less than halfway through the 9th step, I realized that I got free in the eighth step. Those promises came true for me. It doesn't say that the 9th step promises. If we read the book, it says, now let's look at steps 8:00 and 9:00, and then the promises are there. That tells me that they might be able to come true in the eighth, not necessarily the 9th. And my experience is they did. When I was willing to set right the wrongs, I got free.

I didn't have to hide in the streets. I didn't have to dodge my creditors, and I didn't have that many creditors because I suited my life to suit me. So if I had no money, but I needed to do what I needed to do, I just lived in the streets. So I didn't have to owe anybody any money. If if I had a little bit of money and I was working and I could afford to live somewhere, then I would get a little shitty apartment and still have enough money to do so. I didn't have like those kind of financial amends and I never really worked honestly. So I didn't have any taxes

that I needed to pay.

They didn't want that money so.

But I had a lot of people that I really hurt and to go to them, it just started feeling wrong to me to go to them after I had hurt them horribly so that I could feel better.

This shift happened that I realized I need to go to them so they can feel better. And I watched that start happening. Now there was there was a girl when I was when we were young that I was horrible to and you know, she was she had that I guess now I know today she had like that bad boy thing where you know, like she was a good girl but loved me. And I get locked up and she come visit me and I get out and abuse her again and and I saw her in the street one day. She had gotten married.

There's no way that I was going to be able to find her. I didn't think and so she was on that. I'm willing if I if God ever puts her in my life. I was actually working in a store and, and she came walking into the store one day and I recognized her immediately. My heart dropped. She was walking with a little son and I was like, oh shit, what do I do now? You know, I didn't know how to approach this one because I really, I, I developed a conscious which I had never had had an Alcoholics Anonymous gave me this conscience and I ran out of the store