Bart R. from Sedona, AZ speaking the 42nd Dyker Heights Group Anniversary in Brooklyn, NY

And tonight we have a special speaker, my friend over here, Paul.

Hi, my name is Bart and I am a recovered alcoholic. And I am certainly not a special speaker. I don't believe, I don't believe that anybody in Alcoholics Anonymous is special. I'm a drunk. I followed some directions in our Big Book and because of a loving God and a way of life that this book, the Big Book, taught me, I haven't found it necessary

or had any desire or thought of drinking since June 12th of 1995.

And that makes me a very small part of a huge miracle. The Miracles. Alcoholics Anonymous

I, I like to say that I'm a recovered alcoholic. You know, there's a, there's a, there's a, a lot of statement in saying that I'm an alcoholic and there's a lot of statements saying that I'm recovered. And I say that I'm an alcoholic because it brings light to my darkness. I will always be an alcoholic to the day I die.

I got in here with the with the third tradition, the long form that says that in order to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, we must suffer from alcoholism and I suffered from alcoholism. It also says that we have to want to recover from that, and

that's a far cry from our short form. That's it. What we think says that we just have to have a desire to drink,

and a desire is a want. I wanted a lot. I felt a lot more than just wanting to stop. A desire is a thought to achieve something that we can't achieve. And I wanted to stop drinking for a long time. And you'll hear that in my story. And I couldn't. And that describes a desire. I know a lot of people who just wanted to stop drinking. May found it a little difficult, but they stopped

and that wasn't me,

so I needed to do something about that. And Alcoholics are Anonymous gave me away something to do to do that.

So I don't take that word desire very lightly. And I say I'm recovered because that brings light to you folks who are counting days. You know, you're not feeling too good. I've been there, you know, 20 years ago, I, I, and, and for a long time prior to that, I didn't feel too good. And I didn't think there was any hope that it was ever going to go away. And I'm sitting here tonight to tell you that it goes away

if you I can't sell God or this miracle short. To say we never recover, to say that we're going to be recovering for the rest of our life. Recovering is painful. I recovered from alcoholism. I recovered from a motorcycle accident. I recovered from a punctured spinal cord. Those things were extremely painful. To tell you that that's what you're going to be doing for the rest of your life is horrible. No thanks. You can be free. That's what Alcoholics Anonymous office is, freedom from alcoholism.

This is probably the hardest thing in Alcoholics Anonymous for me to do. It's definitely not my personality to speak in in in front of a lot of people. There's a few friends here that know me. 2530 years probably,

and they know that. When I first came into alcohol synonyms I came in in 1987. I didn't get better until 95 and from 87 to 95, I hung around meetings

and I had friends that said, I'll give you 20 bucks to raise your hand. And I, I couldn't even do that. Like you could give me 100 bucks. I wouldn't raise my hand. Unfortunately, today there's lots of people that would offer me 100 bucks to shut up and I can't do that either. And the reason I can't do that is because I believe that God speaks through me. This is a, you know, mall

Mark, my friend Mark put a real nice thing on the top of the flyer on the Facebook or whatever it was saying that I carry the message in a very simple way that where others like to really complicate it. And I hope I really do carry in a simple way because it is a very simple program. What I what I found works in this program is follow these directions and get the hell out of the way.

You know, let God do the work. I think the first, the first great advice that my sponsor gave me

in 1995 was is it bought? I don't ever want you to wake up in the morning and say you're not going to drink today.

And I thought that was absolutely absurd, you know, because I've been trying not to drink for years. Why would I stop trying not to drink? And he's, I didn't tell you this, not stop trying not to drink. I said, stop saying you're not going to drink today because it never works. So I said, what do I do? And he said, well, I'm going to show you a new way of life and just start practicing that and see what happens. I stay out of the way and I do that with my character defects, which I'll talk about. Anything I try to do in the spiritual life, I fail 100%.

OK, But when I let God do the work, miracles happen.

In 1995, I made probably the most vital decision that I'll ever make in my entire life,

and that was in that third step, and that was to turn my will and my life over to the care of God and be willing to bear witness for that God. And shortly after that, I made it a more than a decision, but I asked God to give me the power to help others. You know that I was willing to go out and do God's bidding. And I think that's the only reason that I could sit in front of a bunch of people tonight and share my story is because I told God that I am now ready to do your bidding.

I meant it from every fiber of my existence. And here I sit able to do it. That's God working through me. It is not who I am. I, I, it's very difficult for me to do it. So I just got to stay the hell out of the way. Really important happy anniversary. 42 years to this group,

and I know for a fact that this group has been carrying the message for a long time because Paulie got sober here.

So Paul, he can get sober in this group. Trust me, all you guys can get sober in this group. You guys carry a message that works and that's Alcoholics Anonymous.

So I was

born and raised right here in Queens. My Home group is as you guys, I'm not from Sedona, AZ. I've been living there the last six years. I'm I'm born and raised in Queens and a bunch of my friends came out from Queens, which is really cool. Oh, it's making it twice as hard because I'm all choked up, you know, like my family, you know, you're all my family. But I got sober with a lot of people in this room, Richard and

just Maddie, who who saw me through my insanity

and through finding this way of life. So a little choked up with it, but yeah, I grew up in Queens and I,

I was one of those people obviously that never felt like I belonged. I just didn't fit in this world. And in fifth grade, we go out into the schoolyard and the, the, the school teacher would say, stay on this side of the schoolyard no matter what, do not go on that side where those people are. And I looked over those people and said I want to go where they are.

So it wasn't long before I started Beeline and it's over where those people were. And they were passing around some booze and doing some other things and, and I started indulging with them. One of them was was when I was really young was my babysitter Raja. And he died of a heroin overdose. And he was my idol.

Like there was something wrong with my thinking.

So I started hanging out with them and by the time 5th grade had ended, I was screwing up so bad that they were going to leave me back.

And

my parents went up to the school and had a little talk because they were moving. And they decided that they would promote me and give me another chance in the new school. And it wasn't really that far. It was just from from one side of Bayside to the other side of Bayside. And I spent every day of that summer riding my bicycle to the old neighborhood so that I can continue to learn how to drink and party and, and more importantly, I was too scared to go out in the new neighborhood and meet new friends. So I thought that was a, that was the main reason that I was going

the old neighborhood. And the summer ended

and I had to go to school for the first day and I was scared to death. And I had discovered that when I drank, I felt more confidence. And there was a closet at the at the front door and there was, it was stacked with booze. And so I would open that closet and I was guzzled down a bunch of liquor and I would go off to school. And it worked really well the first day. So I continued to do that and eventually I started finding the kids at school that were drinking too. And

I made it through 6th grade,

not in regular school, but there was a woman who came from a place called Project 25. And I had to go see this woman in 6th grade once a week.

And she had threatened that if I continue to get caught drinking in school or doing any of these bad things that I was doing misbehaving, that I was going to be removed from the regular school and put in Project 25 where she where she came from. And that was the 2nd huge threat in my life. Because what I felt was now if they remove me from this school where I finally found friends and they put me in this program, I'm going to have to meet new friends. And that scared the hell out of me.

But so did the idea of not drinking, because I really liked, I really like drinking, and I didn't want to give it up. So I became a full time student in 6th grade of Projects 25

and project 25. What they did was educated my parents not to put up with me

and

I started getting more and more drunk and more and more violent. My mother was 120 lbs soaking wet. She would stand at the front door and and and cry hysterically. Please, I've lost my daughter. I can't lose another child. Please don't go out. Please don't leave this house. Like physically push her away from the door so that I can go out and get drunk and and I put her through hell. And my parents had separated by this time

and she would call my father every once in a while and he would come and just throw me a beating or whatever and tell me to stop treating my mother like that. And I don't, you know, a lot of this part of my story is, is very foggy because I was young and, and, and I was indulging a lot. So this is how I remember it

and it's always pretty painful to tell that part of the story because, you know,

we don't want to treat the people we love like that. You know, I mean, my mother was a good woman and I didn't want to put it through the things that I put it through, but I really wanted to drink and don't get in what in the way of my drinking. I mean, she would actually like address my drinking and and I would get into a violent rage and pull the furniture down or flip the mattress and don't confront me on this stuff. And I would go out and get drunk and I would go out and live in the elevator shafts of the apartment buildings so that I could just be on my own and drink or live in

garage or his closet in his room. These things aren't normal. And eventually I became what's called the pins petition person in need of supervision. And the court started telling me where I had to live. And you know, the 1st place I was in was a place called Gala House in Staten Island. And then they started getting worse and worse. And I started being in shelters here in Brooklyn and waiting for court dates. And I would sneak out of the shelters and I would go drink night train with the guys that were living in the streets and then try to sneak back

into the shelter. And then they try to put me on clothes restrictions. So I would sneak, I would run out before they could take my clothes and make me sleep and just like underwear and stuff. And I would call my parents and say I'll show up to court, but I'm not staying in that shelter. I'll just stay on the streets. And, and then I would show up to court and I would start getting into more and more of these little detention centers. And

in 19,

God, I don't even remember, but I went up to Hawthorne, NY, to a place up in Hawthorne, NY for 18 months.

And at this place, the same exact thing was going on. They would say, I'm a nice kid. If you just didn't drink, if you just didn't do these things, you'd be OK. And that had absolutely no depth and weight to me because it was when I drank that I felt that I was OK. So I didn't listen to anything else that they had to say. But for some reason, being away for this 18 months, I started to realize that a lot of my friends, their lives are getting better.

They're working and, and they're getting little jobs.

They've got long term girlfriends, you know, that they've been celebrating their birthdays and holidays with families and friends and, and I've been missing out on all these things because I've been locked away, you know, by the courts. So I made myself a promise that when I got out of Hawthorne after the 18 months, I wasn't going to drink the way I was drinking and I wasn't going to get into so much trouble. I really knew in my head that this life is, is is not going anywhere and it's got to stop. So I came home

and I went to Bayside High School for the first day.

I was immediately called out of the homeroom class into the Dean's office or somebody's office,

and they took out my records and they said, this is you've been in a lot of trouble, you create a lot of trouble, and we're not going to put up with your trouble here. And if you cause any trouble in this school, you're out. And I immediately stood up and said, you know where they can go because I'm sure I'm not going to be a St. And I left the school and I went home and I asked my mother if she would call my father and if they would discuss possibly signing me out of school

and maybe I can learn My father was a fairly successful businessman and, you know, he's a partner in some stores and stuff. And maybe he could teach me the business and I can go work for him 'cause, you know, it's really like since 5th grade I really haven't been doing much schoolwork anyway, so I'm really not going to know much of this stuff. I'm sure I'm going to get into trouble, so why don't I just go work for him? So she called him and they discussed it and he called his business partners and they discussed it and they decided it was a good idea. And they signed me out of school

and I was going to go work for my father and his business. And there was a store that wasn't that far away that I could take a bus to. And that was in October. And it was the week of my birthday. And I woke up that morning for the first day of work and I felt like I had arrived. Like I am going to make my family proud. Like I had no aunts and uncles that had any respect for me and you know, my parents and like all the cousins, like my family just. But I'm going to turn my life around. I'm going to be a working man now and I'm going to make everybody

proud. And I was standing at the bus stop waiting to go Union Turnpike to to go to work for the first day. And a buddy saw me and he came over and he gave me a little birthday present. He gave me a little bottle of Jack Daniels and I put it in my coat. And I said this weekend I'm going to celebrate that I've been a working man

and my birthday. And it started to get cold. So I took a couple of sips, and then I started to get really nervous about going to work for the first day. So on the bus, I polished off that little bottle of Jack. And I walked into that store and I made a complete fool of myself and of my father, who really went to bat for me saying, you know, my son wants to turn his life around. And that wasn't my intention that morning,

that when my intention was to do the right thing

and I had no clue why what happened happened. And, you know, to go into all those stories of how many times I did that and how many times I lifted myself up and fell right down and disappointed people who loved me, family members, eventually wives, girlfriends, it's pathetic. You know, I just so those stories aren't really important. You could understand, I hope, about not wanting to drink and drinking anyway. You know, I don't understand

people who sit in Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and say I choose not to drink because I would choose not to drink and I would drink.

So I don't understand to this day how, how do you do that? You know, I've been sober a little over 20 years and I know today I still can't choose whether I drink or not. I am sober because of a way of life that I live, not because it's a choice that I make. I've lost that power of choice. Our big book tells us that. And more importantly, my experience validates that there is absolutely no way that I could just guarantee if I make a choice not to drink that I'll pull that off.

So

in in 19,

87, I guess it was I was married for 8687. I was married to my first wife. There was another attempt for sobriety. She was a detox nurse and I thought that was a good idea to stay solo

and it didn't work.

That was a very short lived marriage.

I have a lot of good friends from that I hung out with from that marriage, but that marriage didn't work. And the truth is if she was sitting in this room today, I wouldn't know who she was and I wouldn't recognize her. And that's pretty sad, but it is what it is.

But I was hanging out with a lot of people who there were four brothers that owned the house. I actually got to go visit one of them while I've been here. And thank you, by the way, for for getting me here tonight.

It's an absolute privilege to speak for you. And you gave me an opportunity to visit with some old friends and meet new friends. And Mark and Dawn have been awesome to me and Johnny driving me from the airport and you know it, it's been a great experience. So I got to visit with one of those brothers, but there were four brothers that that owned this house

and

one of you know, we all own, we all own motorcycles at the time. We all own Hollies and none of them ever left the garage. And we you could have probably traveled around the world on a weeks worth of our empties and you know, from the nickels. And one of the brothers, Warren,

started not hanging out with us in the backyard and drinking anymore. And some guys would pull up in front of the house

and he would get into the garage and hop on his bike and take off with them. And one morning, I stopped him short and I said, Warren, where the hell are you going late? We have to be not hanging out with us. And he said I couldn't live like this anymore. And I decided that I needed to go to Alcoholics Anonymous. And it's changed my life. And I said that's nice.

And I went back and I went back to, you know, hanging out with everybody else that was having fun, right?

And Warren was really good to me too. I mean, Warren used to I had I had been in a really bad motorcycle accident,

was the guy that would like come to my house and and carry me to his car and bring me to his house.

I'll switch this chair

and he would bring me to his house. And you know, I'm just going to stand.

He would. He would bring me. He would bring me to his house.

Yeah, good idea. And sit me down. And we, we would, we would just get drunk. So I guess I don't know how long a time went by, but some, some time had gone by

and I called up Warren one morning with that, that we said, we here, we're sober by the grace of God. And, and there's some truth to that. But I've learned, unfortunately, that grace only lasts so long. And for some of us it's thanks. For some of us it's a minute. For some of us it's an hour. Some of us it's weeks, months, years. But there's no guarantee how long that grace is going to be. You know, what am I going to do after that grace?

So I had one of these moments of grace and I called up Warren and I said I want to get sober. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't live like the way I'm living anymore. And Warren told me where there was a meeting in Jackson Heights and he said it's a really good meeting. I got a ton of great friends there. They all ride and I'm not going tonight, but just go there and they'll know you new and and they'll be and they'll be real friendly to you.

And I said, deal. So I went there and I didn't want to drink that day and I got there really early because I didn't know what to do with myself. And it was in a big school in Jackson Heights. And so I parked the car and I started just circling around the school and just like walking and saying, do I really want to do this? You know, and you know, I've started second doubting whether I really want to get sober and go to this a a thing. I had no idea what it was, but I didn't know if I wanted to do it.

And I had heard about Alcoholics and others because there were many times that I would check myself into outpatient.

Many times I would check myself into outpatient and they put me on sliding scale and I would stumble my way in and they'd ask for something like the five bucks and I would say I didn't have it. So they would eventually throw me out because I was stumbling in, but I didn't have the five bucks to pay them for the outpatient. So they just throw me out and say, go to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'd read your literature a little bit and see God all over it and go ain't happening. So

anyway, so I'm walking around this school and I'm circling around this school and a guy sees me and he says, are you looking for the Alcoholics Anonymous beating? And I said, yeah, I am. And he said, why don't you follow me? I'm opening it up. So I followed him into the school and we walked through some hallways and whatever. And then we walked into this room and he started putting out pamphlets and hanging up shades and, you know, setting it up for an, A, a meeting.

And then he pulls out this little blue card, this one right here. And he says, do you want to read this? And I said, yeah, absolutely.

And I was really glad that he handed it to me because a lot of you guys started walking in and I couldn't look at anybody in the eye. So I just kept my head right down there. And I just kept reading the closed statement 100 times over. And it got real quiet. And he started the meeting, and he said to read the closed statement. We have Bart. And my heart jumped out my toes. I had no idea that he gave me something to read out loud. I thought it was just giving me something to read

and as I told you I'm really shy.

So I spent what I swear to God felt like 5 hours, but I guarantee you it was less than 5 minutes planning my escape.

And I walked out of the meeting and I made the wrong turn. I got lost in the school and I couldn't find my way out and I was getting really pissed off and I was getting really nervous that I was going to get arrested because I didn't look as happy and clean as you guys did. So

anyway, I found my way back to the meeting and I just leaned out on the hallway and waited for the meeting to end and just figured I'd follow everybody out. And I go back to drinking and I made-up my mind that's going to be a lot easier than this AA stuff. And the meeting ended and you guys walked out and a bunch of guys pinned me up against the wall practically and said we're all going out to the diner and then we're going to the movies and we want you to come with us. And I had 1000 reasons that I couldn't go and you wouldn't take one of them.

And so I went out to the diner and, and I started to really get a lot of good friends and Alcoholics Anonymous. And then I started meeting new people and Alcoholics Anonymous. And you know, my buddy Maddie, he'll keep me real honest. And you know, I wouldn't do what you guys did. And, you know, we had a sober motorcycle club and they had the bot clause in it. You know, it was like

clean, clean ashtrays. Why would I clean an ashtray? I'll just clip it, stick it in my pocket and throw it outside. None of us have to clean the ashtray. Well, make coffee. I've never drank a cup of coffee in my life. Why am I going to make coffee?

And you had to be an active member in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said, hey, when you guys are celebrating your anniversaries, do I show up for you? Yeah, they say. And I say, well, then I'm an active member and Alcoholics Anonymous don't tell me how to work my program. And I couldn't get any better. And I don't understand why now. I had gotten remarried, by the way, to a great woman. Had a daughter.

She was annoying me who liked to smoke pot, and every once in a while I give her shotguns and breathe a little, sneak in there. Or I go to supermarkets and suck on the nitrous. I have the whipped cream bottles,

but I'm still sober because I'm not drinking and I'm not doing the other things that really Get Me Out there. And I'm insane. And I don't know how people like Maddie love me so long because I was very angry, manipulative. He's grinning over there like, Oh yeah, I was, I was, I was miserable. I was a dry drunk

and

it was horrible. I don't know what was worse. You know, when I was drinking,

I fill that spirit that was hurting and I didn't feel, yes, it's a delusion. There's no, you know it. It's a delusion that it makes life better. And when I'm drunk, it's an illusion that my life is great. I love those words in the book. They're absolutely true. I think that a drink is going to fix it. I believe that it's an absolute delusion. And when I'm drunk, my life absolutely appears great, even though it's fallen apart around me.

And when I'm sober and I'm not living this way of life, I feel all of that spiritual sickness and it's horrible.

So I go back to the delusion that I need to drink. And so I don't know which is worse, being an active alcoholic or being dry with no solution. And I believe that's why they, when we read it, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. We need to fill that soul sickness quickly or we will drink again. You know, so many of us prove that over and over over again. So

I'm glad that this group carries that message

because that's the message that I think God has given us to save lives.

So a buddy a buddy of ours had been out for a while and

it really hurt us is especially Maddie and I you know, we were like the three amigos when my daughter was born. We would change my daughter's diapers when my wife would go out and

and one of us, not Maddie or I had had relapsed. And it was really hurting us because he went out full blast. And one morning he called me up and he asked me for help. And I was so happy that he wanted help. And on the way to go help him, he wanted to stop off and pick up something and

I decided he should get me some too. And I ended up back out there on a pretty bad run.

And you know, it was no longer just giving shotguns and and

nitrous. You know, it was I was out on a bad run and I completely lost myself and

started making some, I think it was before I picked up actually, it was it, you know, it was number miracle. Like I had a great wife and I decided that, you know, it would be better to not live with her and to live with Maddie and his girlfriend and do whatever I wanted to do. And like, I made a lot of really bad decisions when I was not drinking and not living this way of life

anyway. So along this bad run,

one night I was in

not such a great neighborhood and one of those bodegas that everything is inspired

and, and,

and I and I asked for something that I had been purchasing there for a little while and they didn't want to give it to me.

And I started knocking all that expired shit off the shelves and and causing chaos. And I was lucky they didn't cut me up and put me into a dumpster. And that night,

that night I ended up in a meeting, probably one of the only meetings I had never been in, in Queens, the Utopia Young People's group. And I had never been in that meeting before. And there was a bunch of young people in there and they were smiling and they were laughing and they had a Friday night beginners meeting and they were going out to bars after and, and dancing. And I didn't get it.

Like how could they be so happy and enjoy life

and not drink? And well, I pretty much figured it out. They're just not real drunks like I am. So they can do those things. Because, you know, when I was dry, I couldn't go to a concert and not be uncomfortable. I couldn't go into a bar for the right reason to hear a band play or something and not be uncomfortable. I had to be selfish and and say to my wife, for the people I'm with, I need to get the hell out of here, let's go because I'm really uncomfortable and they weren't experiencing that.

They were doing these things and they were having fun and I didn't get it.

And there was a guy there who was very outspoken. He was a great guy. He would he would sit on the back of the chair here and his feet here and he would really express the message really well. And he was celebrating his anniversary one night and his sponsor was speaking for him and his sponsor introduced himself as a recovered alcoholic. And then he started talking about what it was like and, and he really had me laughing. He was very

dramatized. He would rolling around on the floor

and just like, you know, it was an incredibly funny what it was like. And then he got serious and started talking about being recovered and being able to go where anybody else can go without danger and, and talking about living a normal life and being happy. And I was starting to really crack my knuckles and and get real tight and really pissed off. And I looked at Audie and I said, Audie,

just sponsor up there speaking for you, isn't it? And he said, yeah. And I said, you know what? Tonight,

I think you better find a new one. And he said why? And I said, because I'm gonna kill him,

He has absolutely no right to say that you can be recovered and you could be happy, joyous and free and do those things if you're really an alcoholic. He's full of shit and all. He looked at me with a big grin and he said I bet he'd really like to talk to you.

And so after the meeting, I guess them two had a little discussion and already came over to me. He said tomorrow

Eric works at this store over here on Union Turnpike, and he thinks it would be a good idea if you come talk to him. I said, oh, yeah, I'm going to go talk to him. All right. So that morning, I couldn't wait to go there and beat the living crap out of him. And, and I pulled up and he was standing right in front of the store and he saw me park the car and he stormed me start walking. He saw me start walking across the street. He went into the store and he went behind the counter because he knew he needs to keep distance because he heard I was coming to kill him.

And he spent about two hours talking about all of his war stories.

He really described alcoholism like we do in more about alcoholism, about his inconsistencies. Like he didn't tell me

just don't pick up the first drink bought and you'll be OK. He started talking about how many times

he didn't want to pick up the first drink and he picked it up anyway. How many times he promised his wife that he wouldn't pick up the first drink and he did anyway. How many times that he made promises to people and couldn't keep them because he drank. And I kept saying, shit, that's me, that's what I keep doing. And after about two hours of him telling all these stories, I said, well then what the hell do I got to do

for that not to happen to me? Because it's obvious it's not happening to you anymore.

And he opened up his big book and he said if you read the 1st 164 pages of this book and you follow it as a design for living, you can be free just like me. And I said to him, I've never read a book in my life. I heard that that's really bad writing and boring. So it's not going to be my first book, but thanks anyway. And he came and I started to walk out of the store and he came out from around that counter and he grabbed me at the shoulder in a really loving way. And he said, I'll tell you what,

you don't have to read it. I'll read it with you. And the only stupid question is the one you don't ask.

And when you identify to something, let's talk about it. And when you don't identify to something, it's probably because they're described as starting to describe a way of life that you've never lived. But we're going to walk through this together. Just don't wake up tomorrow and say you're not going to drink. Just wake up tomorrow and say you're going to give this way of life a fair shot. And we crack that book open and we started reading it and I and I learned why I couldn't pick up the first drink. I

that there really is a doctor's opinion that there is a phenomenon of craving that I had no idea about. And I agreed that I absolutely suffer from that. You know, right from that first time that I picked up the drink right to that bus stop going to work, you know, and all through my life, it made sense that there was so many times that I didn't want to get drunk and I got drunk anyway. And I started to get some relief because I understood, oh, this is it. I, I got this physical thing going on. So I just

won't pick up a drink and I'll be alright. And he said, well, let's keep reading.

And we kept reading and I started to learn and more about alcoholism and I started to read and there is a solution. I started to learn that the problem sent this in my mind, not in my body, that I can't not pick up the first drink, that I can't choose just make a choice not to drink. And, and what he did was he said, let's talk about how many times you made that decision. How many times did you mean it? How many times you crying on the on the on your floor

with all your will saying I'm done with this lifestyle, I can't live like this anymore.

And five minutes later you're going out living that lifestyle. And I said dozens and dozens of times

and it made sense and it started to scare the hell out of me. I understood it more. And we agnostics, it started to talk about that we have a soul sickness, you know, and I didn't believe in God. But really experiencing this first step through the book in that way and, and being so new, I became willing in the second step, you know, I read the steps off the wall and it said came to believe and I wasn't willing to come to believe. I didn't think it was possible for me

come to believe. And our direction is really lighten it up for us. They say you don't have to come to believe, you just have to be willing to believe. And yeah, I'm willing. Look at my life. How could I not be willing to believe? I doubt it's going to come true, but yeah, I'm absolutely willing.

And that's gone a lot further for me today. You know, the book tells us that we couldn't remember the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. And that was a fact for me.

If I couldn't remember a month or a week ago, I certainly can't remember 20 years ago. And, and quite a few years ago, I started getting a little bit deeper into, into this stuff And, and one day I, I decided to look up the definition of an obsession. I wasn't really seeking God further and further anymore. I was really just

like doing my, my, my prayers and doing my meditation and, and helping others, but I wasn't seeking a, a, a deeper relationship

with God. And for whatever reason, I have this 1930s dictionary, Webster's dictionary. And I decided all my own just sitting home one day I'm going to look up that word obsession. And God was really good to me. And I don't want to like, I want to quote it exactly what it said. And mind you, I didn't need to live this way of life with this definition

back when I was new, but today it helped me tremendously. Put listen to what In the 1930s they used the word obsession quite a bit in this book.

The definition in the 1930s was the state of being besieged. You specifically of a person attacked on all sides by a spirit from without

an irrational motive for performing trivial and repetitive actions against your will.

Holy shit,

we're attacked from a spirit from without.

Well, what's going to fix that? A spirit from within. And that's where we find God. And that got me into wanting to seek more God, more relationship with God, because I don't ever want to get attacked by that spirit because I performed irrational, repetitive, horrible things on a regular basis

against my own will. And I don't ever want that to happen again. And I know the only thing that's going to stop me from doing that today

is my relationship with God. So I keep seeking to further that relationship. God is always there for every one of us

to Infinity. How much are we willing to seek them? How much do we want Him in our life? The more we invite them, the more He comes.

So, but the first time through it, I made that third step decision. And I think the biggest part of that decision for me was not only turning all my thinking and all my actions over the care of God, but being willing to bear witness of God's power, God's love and God's way of life. And and I and, and my attitude then was I don't believe in this God.