The Orange County AA Convention in Costa Mesa, CA

how could you not right

K.

thank you

hi everybody I'm Kerry K. great for member Valen on

but maybe in the longest time I've ever set

just kidding I'm grateful to be here today one of things Cynthia for calling husband like last summer I think when you called

so much has changed since you called and asked me to come and talk

first of all thank you for everybody work putting this conference together I know how hard it is to put conventions together I've worked as tears and and open doors and then all the other jobs that they are to do because we have an on site to work so it's it's a great honor to be here and and I knowledge all the work that it takes to put this on again thanks for asking me to be here I get really nervous when I first and up here run either locked in but you can't see it good thing

so I want to ask how many people here if you're new in your first year of Allen on could you raise your hand today

great welcome to try to hear what I welcome you to your new life that's what they told me that if you hung around and things resonated with you and you did the things that we do that your life and get different than you could ever imagine and for me that's been true

all right where to start

first of all that baby over there is ours so she makes racket please don't make a leave unless really cried

that's a whole nother but she wasn't here a year ago yeah a lot of things have changed any and Lori B.

Lori B. who was my partner your goes now my wife legally I mean lots of things have changed in my

so

we're talking to general way what it was like what happened what it's like now and talk for an hour it's gonna be a little more than generally but hopefully into you guys so I did if I was some of it believe me I need to be here I was born in a little town south of fifty miles south of Memphis Tennessee outside of a little town called pledge Mississippi we were like eight miles outside the old town Charley pride sledge that's like a big sign the lions club put it out there well how much all right and I grew up seven miles outside of that town

we had a five hundred acre cotton and soybean farming I was I think I was thirteen years old we got a telephone our community and up until that time it is the closest phone was three miles away and we had gravel roads and they pay them when I was like fifteen I think and I tell you this I didn't grow up with any active alcoholism in my home it's in my family and I've identified that have you been here for a while

but there was no active alcoholism in my phone but we were cut off from a lot out there and there was no information coming in or getting out of where I grew up you know and my grandmother was the matriarch of our family and my father was a baby she had two other kids that wind up moving away but my father and my grandfather had a family farm and my mom my dad my mom a sixteen with you merry my dad she had me when she was eighteen they've been merry ten years and they got a divorce I was seven years old that time and I I looking back now it's like my mom my dad my grandmother was one too many people in that marriage someone needed to go in with my mom

my grandmother was a major

so my dad a lot of what I'm gonna tell you today I didn't know until I have been here with you for a while because I was a

walking around sleep walking through my life until I found you people need help me come live again everybody in our family tried to well what we did was we look for validation for my grandmother and my dad

because that's how I got my sense of who I was and

I Graham Smyth my father never actually cut the emotional umbilical cord for my grandmother everything he did was about her you know and and when she died even I mean he was just so very attached to her so I don't have very good models for healthy relationships with my dad divorced my mom he remarried within two months and he got some C. girl couldn't kick cook cornbread we'd like that very well you know I mean

she wanted a little girl and I have to tell you I was first born my dad wanted a boy I was not clearly but he raised me like one and I got my first many back when I was five I started driving when I was five got my per shot down when I was eight kill my version do when I'm the Levin I mean we just ripping and roaring out there in the country was awesome way to grow up it was just fantastic course you know he wanted a boy until later on but he didn't like how I felt about that you know I would talk about that later everything was fine I can remember when I was seven years old like I hate cigarette smoke so if you're going to do the back are you going to chew tobacco don't smoke around me all right I think recommended that we puke I kept hearing you know I mean I just thought it was funny

but I can do everything as good as the boys could do and usually I can do it better and I really enjoyed going up that way what

I didn't like my step mother she wanted to dress me up real the laces and I'm a little tomboy and we didn't get along very good and they had been married very long until she started being emotionally abusive and decrypt and I couldn't tell anyone because you tell me if I told anyone that it would be worse from my father left and there was no reason for me not to believe her I was like eight years old you know so I began to keep secret and this is what we do in the family alcoholic family as we begin to keep speakers and we're only second speakers that we keep we're told us were taught and I all of what I say here today let me just say this right off the bat everything up for you here today is just my experience are my opinion is not the opinion Allen on if you don't like something like that please talk to your sponsor about it later you know it's going to be about it

but

so my mother started being just mean to me and and in time that began to be worsening got physical after point and I still couldn't tell and so I began to get really good at manipulating situations because I'm supposed to be like everything's okay so here's this person that I hate but everybody else in my life things that I'm supposed to be fine so I'm putting on the face you know the mask that we were how are you fine fine I'm great thank you bye site and dying on the inside I don't

we used to play a lot of ball and her and do a lot of stuff and when it my family had a car that we could take out on the weekends the young kids my step brother had a step brother was two years older than me we went on a Friday night with a bunch of kids and we were drinking and and you know just doing what we do with kids and and later that night I was with the boy that my father didn't want me to see because we actually work on our farm and I lost my virginity them which that really wasn't a big deal the the part of the night that was bigger visit my stepmother my stepfather sorry step brother rate me on the way home well my my thinking I have the disease of my thing is sorted I I my judgment to store and I think isn't sorted and I couldn't discern what I had done earlier in the night wasn't as bad as what he had done and I didn't I did all I could do was not tell anybody about it because I thought if I told and he's getting in trouble for being with this guy and all that stuff and so I just just shut it down and in order to shut things down I'm like I was killing myself to shutting all the feeling down I wasn't able to experience life well I lived in the same house with him for like another year or so and nobody ever knew that anything was wrong that's how good I got him in the plating so trust me I belong here I mean

about a year and a half my step mother maybe go somewhere with him I couldn't finagle my way out of this trip and it happened again and that time I told and my father believe me and he made my step brother moved away and my step mother just turned up the heat on on how things were going between me and her and it was not good but when I was fifteen years old which is not too long after that my grandfather died they just live right across the P. touch must literally could throw a rock and hit their house but and my grandfather fell away from breakfast table one morning and he had an aneurysm but we didn't know it in his brain and it burst and he died and my grandmother my father I think because my family doesn't know how to experience a motion my father kind of figure to the gave me up and said here you can move in with a moment which is great because nobody bother me around my grandmother and she was like you know everybody behaved around herself it was good I could live with her she wasn't like a touchy feely type person that's a little much IV

she wasn't like a touchy feely type person but I knew that she loved me with all her heart you know and that was important for me because I was I was the guy with the golden child I got straight a's in school I was graded softball I did everything good because I want to I needed that validation I was told not to live at home and my mom let me back up here and say I'm probably gonna do tangents but that's just how it's going to go to we're gonna ride the ride together right

so my mom when she left she didn't fight my dad to drive because of us this is interesting because the baby having

come into your life for years I thought my mom had left me

and what I realized today is that my mother Love Me much she chose to walk away and let my dad keep so that we could have a good life because she she was going back to live in a one bedroom apartment with a paranoid schizophrenic mother and my dad had means of being able to provide for me to still not to fight him and it took a long time for me to realize that she didn't leave me because she didn't want to leave me because she didn't want me to let me because she wanted me to have a good life and that kind of love I couldn't even wrap my mind around until this last year

sorry we're gonna try to get a laugh

so when I was a little girl I got a hold

thank

when I was little we would go up every two weekends it's like with my mom and she remarried right away and she's merited that man today and they've had a couple of kids and and so I think what would happen is I couldn't because I was so shut down I couldn't go up to her and open up and they go home and pull down again I was just shut down all the time with my mac

and so I wasn't really very close to my mom and later when I got into recovery one of the first people I called after I got out of treatment was my mother and we have a great relationship today but for many years I I didn't have anything to do with her at all I know that hurt but I'm doing I'm making a living I'm on the we have a great relationship today anyways

fast forward living with a grandmother dad says you better get a scholarship to college because I can't afford to pay you to go to school I have been lucky enough to go to high school to private high school and I've had some really great teachers who could see that I had a lot of potential I was very bright child I guess I'm still pretty bright but

they can say that I was frightened so I took the A. C. T. I want it back to taking it three times and I wound up I've been looking for softball scholarship here's the problem with the distorted thinking okay I wanted to be to go to college on a couple of dollars shouldn't be a jock because that meant something to me right and I didn't get one of the the scholarship that they had worked right so can't take an AC T. a ticket the third time I qualified for this caller ship of this woman's college in southern Mississippi that I have been to for a little bit for something else and I got a four year fully renewable full ride to college and I thought that was like oh my god I didn't get

I

I started thinking I don't think right the wires are on the wrong phone in my head you know so much to college and I had been in this one in college for just a minute and then I then I knew something was different about me that I realized at that point what was different about me then all the little girls that I've been growing up with you know and I was about I don't know twenty minutes ago before I got my first relationship now seems a bit by like two months

but I got a relationship with a woman and we were in a relationship for two years and it was high highs and low lows it was crazy fights making up you know it is just that the functional

relationship

I didn't I want to put a name to it but that's exactly what it was

and I completely made her my higher power I didn't know that I just thought we're you know going to school and have a good time well

couple years into college I decided I don't want to be with her anymore I got with somebody else and

right before my senior year of college my father had moved to Texas they had thought forming and my step mother and him had started a team driving long you know driving trucks

cross country and they moved to Texas and I I called my dad and I'm like how's it going it's like well it's okay so in my family I figured somebody dying because that's okay need to die and I you know

and sure enough my mother was sick

so I went to Texas and he was in the in between jobs and he didn't have any medical insurance when they found out she had cancer and and like they didn't even open her up they just like she's got cancer she's Babel can't do anything for so he took her home to my grandmother's Mississippi and my grandmother to terror while she died and so at my senior year college every week and every other weekend I would drive two and half hours up to my grandmother's to stay there and because I'm a good southern can I do what I know is right to do and that was one of the hardest things I've ever done because I had a lot of resentment around this woman who had been very abusive to me for much of my life but I'm a good Allen on I do what I'm supposed to do and I went up there and was with my grandmother and I watch this woman who was larger than life she was a large woman physically as well I watched her but literally be eaten alive by cancer and you know without the tools of the program it's difficult to to navigate when you log function gosh I've missed this well thank you for giving it to me now my grandmother was raised by alcoholics and she was like a classic untreated Alan on and there's alcoholism all in my family tree and I was in treatment I think that we had to do this family tree thing and drop put different circles colored circles around different is I'm not a like a parking Christmas tree I'm serious matter like all kind of sort of and it made

so my grandmother was a hundred down on and and my like my grandfather's brother he was a binge drinker so he would go for months and not drink at all and then you'd be drunk for three weeks my grandmother got on their poor all this with you down the down the the sink and then my grandmother's brother J. C. he he was just like a he just always had a buzz like my whole life this man had a buzz you know

not really falling down drunk but he was always like happy you know and he was nice to be

and so I think I come by my love for alcoholics you know

religiously you know I mean everybody in my family but in one way or another was affected by it and and I'm here because I love alcoholics today you know to almost to my desk you know I love alcoholics and you guys said you could put me in a room of five hundred people just one alcoholic there I'll find him and two point three seconds it's like a heat seeking missile I don't know what it is about you but I will find you and we will have a good time

so my mother is dying of cancer and I'm going back and forth up there and I'm getting ready to take the M. cat someone to be a doctor because I probably won't be the best brain surgeon in the whole wide world you know and I probably would have been but god had other plans so

two weeks before my the finishing up my senior year my mother died

and my mom's mom who I wasn't really close to that they both died and something happened for me and it was god doing for me but I couldn't do for myself

as a result of them both dying I said like I didn't feel like I could go to medical school

so my my second partner at the time she had a sister who lives in LA and she wanted to come out here for seven I think three and he's like you want to go to LA I'm like sure I've never been west of Dallas Texas right and I my family thought I was crazy because like I used to say that I would like Beverly hillbillies coming to LA but now for today's generation I just I like the to hazard because they don't have Beverly hillbillies all right so I mean I pack up my little brown pants on here we're coming out here and a Mississippi has one interstate it goes from north to the south two lanes east side all the way from Tennessee down to the Gulf of Mexico well when you get the timbre to Dino it's ten lines one side okay

no hunting and fishing going on here you know what I'm saying like I was like oh god and and I was talking to him last night when I ride down here I put

poking colloquialisms my draw was so heavy people couldn't understand me and they'll be like what and they would kind of rude to me and it just hurt my little southern feelings you know I mean other people are very hospitable they're very nice and we're taught to be very nice and polite if you're not not comply back to us we get a little offended by

but I'm so grateful that that happened it was the first year graphic I did in my life and I understand now that god needed to give me that far away so that I can get some recovery I didn't even know I needed you but I needed to come here I got a job straight away because that's what I know to do and I have to tell you that like the first week I'm waiting to go to work I'm waiting to cross Wilshire or la Brea down in Hollywood seven o'clock in the morning the girl walked across the crosswalk she has a purple Mohawk if piercings in every orifice on her face she has on a black motorcycle jacket combat boots and I was like oh my god I've never seen anybody like that you know I mean it was like crazy and it's so cool because like a lot of benefits going to watch people and they just because like I was like that for a year you know I mean total culture shock it was awesome so what happened for me then as I'd like to say here's where I like did I basically same relationship for ten years but the faces of kept getting different you know what I'm saying like no time in between any of them I got one on the string when I think I'm going to get rid of the other one you know although I don't I'm not technically unfaithful because you couldn't do that your Google something all right so I would come home at night the girlfriend I moved out there was I came home one day and I said I'm gonna get somebody else to we're breaking up could you move tomorrow please and I mean bludgeoning people with the truth was not something that you know I thought anything about I was through but I didn't I didn't think so I thought I was being straight up you know

distorted perception right sort of thinking so there was a series of this relationship that I was then I I wound up meeting someone after a break up

I was doing research on what my ex you know the license you told me you guys ever do that you break up and I go find out everything you do certain they were lying to you about you know

how twisted well first let me back up and say when I came here I have been growing up and and Mississippi back would that be they will shoot you with the thought of you being homosexual down there we had to drive two and a half hours to agape or when I was in college we come I'm in LA okay like boys town there's a bar on every corner they have a newspaper they have a parade it's okay to be who you are in LA and I went nuts did you know what they got bars and you know what R. embarked upon another alcoholic okay so I'm in the bars all the time fine and I can't like a kid in a candy store what

I have a lot of fun I'm not

so many ways everyone of these break ups I mean this woman who was three years sober in a day and the break up that I just gone through was because he drank a lot and she would quit doing cocaine I didn't mind the drink and it was a not quitting the cocaine part that I had a problem with you know but so this woman that I met and and a a a a a triple I don't you guys got a lot of acronyms out here that I'm not familiar with you know

no I don't know what that man but they said that she didn't drink so the first time I meet her I thought she was a

B. ought you know and and it just makes perfect sense that the next time I saw her I fell head over heels in love with the right because that's what I do and now I'm like no we have one date not merry and and then I bring the U. haul and speaking of you all I think we need to get a trailer to Kerry back all the stuff you guys left in our room I mean

have a great but well I talk about general I'm sorry I told you ten gentle can help it

anyways a a triple a okay so

well we start dating and you know I I have to do to be in the good guys already that's we've been paying like three weeks I guess and she lived down in Pasadena and down there you have to have special parking decals for certain side the street certain they don't know something like that and so I open your glove box and they're literally were a hundred one parking tickets in there she was sober I'm saying okay and so I went to work and took out a loan from my credit union the place of those parking tickets because I thought I want to be the good guy you know it's over that I was like good quality you know I mean she could take me and so I mean those are the kinds of things I did you know we weren't together too long till it got a little dysfunction but what here's what happened I started going to a a meetings with her

I grew up with a southern Baptist god about a lot of rules you didn't like people I mean I'm going to burn in hell for eternity and I'm sitting in a meetings and they're talking about twelve steps and they're talking about a god of their understanding they're talking about how they have literally been raised up from the dead and had become productive members of society and how having a relationship with the daughter their understanding and doing certain steps have given him a wife that one would be on there while the streams and also not realize I could bring

sitting in late night can what meetings and like there's laughter and there's cigarette smoke and coffee and everything but the bar you know what I mean numbers what a it was just just got the I I was like turned on by this but I realize looking back now that was good for her I didn't think I had a problem

so I would keep going out to a a meetings with her and it wasn't long until we both showed up because we're basically broken little children just looking for someone to save us right

and

it got we've identified verbally and then eventually got physically abusive and what I can tell you is that I never hit back I believe the universe gives me opportunities in my life today to heal from things that I've been going to from in the past and when I was little I realized that if I if I rolled up in a ball of my step mother started in on me to do it in quicker if I just didn't fight back and so that's what I did in our relationship and I never fought back what I can also tell you is I doing precisely which buttons to push to get a reaction from her when she wouldn't engage with me and I might not have ever hit or physically but I hit her a lot emotionally I knew what to do because I was so dead inside and I was so addicted to her

that I needed her attention and negative attention is better than no attention at all and I'm telling you at that point in my life I was so sick she walked in the room my hands and my palms my hands start sweating it was like a drug I needed to be with her and it just got really insane I can remember one time I was working in Burbank and and we had a fight and she didn't want me to go back to work from lunch and I went back to work anyway and I was standing in in this little I I was long story I was working I was trying to some working in a little room not all white walls you know just means instrument and we've had to fight and I go back to work in Austin I hear the sound I turn around like she had run three miles tonight we're literally run three miles to my work because she was finished with that fight and

we went outside and it just got really insane I remember one day we didn't let me go back to work and and she's like put her fist through the windshield in my truck and I mean it was like crazy one time I got hit and kicked out of the car going thirty miles an hour she broke my ear drum all a lot of crazy stuff happened so I could tell you that it was insane it was just functional it was alcoholism at its finest and nobody was having a drink in our house and what I can tell you is or maybe somebody in this room today and if there is anybody in this room today is living with violence in your relationships you don't have to live that way we have a way out of that I don't believe we get very sick as Alan on off and I think we look white sticker than alcohol is because their Medicaid and you know I mean their children sometimes but we're like we're just not you know up with knives and stuff at any rate well you know

and I don't think we always realize how sick we become because it's not obvious to us you know our rooms really should be about ten times colder than errors really if you think about it you know but that we don't get your as quickly we have to almost die I almost died do you rate

so we had a one of the interjected our sober house all right we had another roommate who who was the same body as as my partner and and she tended to cut herself sometimes and so I I picture this riding our house on Friday night I would come home my my roommate be laying in the floor make sure she's not bleeding too much before I go to the back room we have a big five before we got the eight o'clock a meeting down the Burbank hospital

crazy

so about this time I don't know we've been together not that long I've been I've been I've been going all these Amy's at her and even in

and I'm getting it up by osmosis and what I can tell you is sitting in meetings or not and listening to them and not working the steps it's like sitting in the garage all day and think in your car okay not and so I went home and I had my father told me when I was thirteen years old I don't know why but he sent me down to Kerry there's three things that you can do that all the seventy four do you love the black level one I wish I had stolen my purse sponsor initially been black but my first girlfriend is she didn't live with that is one of the truth never sponsors by sorry

but that wasn't the truth so I go home and I think on some level that stock back there because I know how my dad as he is he's he was pride will kill him if he tells you something he'll do it if I mean because arm off and so my dad remarried after my stepfather died and and I was told

and capable of courage around my dad because I still needed his I thought I needed approval right before I left to come back to LA I told my mom well what do you think would have to admit maybe that's all I've got your son you know I can't even come out be straight about it you know it was straight up rather I can never get straight I couldn't be direct

story

I hadn't even gotten off the plane in LA my dad that's like I don't know I swear to god to my ten minutes is probably like a two minute message that you know I don't agree with that you're wrong you don't exist and not to me anymore he said you just don't read there in the plant you're not part of our family don't call me to come see me said I told the whole family I don't have anything to do with you and I don't have and we they can't speak your name in my presence and I was devastated and at the same time I have been having this strange feeling that my partner was having an affair with our mutual best friend because no like when you know things in that thing in your gut tell you the truth but you've you've been hitting the override on it for so many decades you can you can you know you don't really pay attention to it anymore but something on in the meeting so I'm starting to wake up even though I'm not working said finally after a couple of days it was confirm for me but she wasn't do you have an affair with our mutual best friend that's when I cracked that's when I hit my emotional bottom that's one I I just got grace me with the moment and I knew that if I can get some help on this wind up doing something really stupid so that other roommate that we had she had gone through treatment program for codependency that you were we don't like to use your no one on and and I was fortunate enough to get into that program the twenty one day program

and in that time they

basically made me be realistic about everything that happened to me in my life they maybe put words to situations they may need to use the word rape for that situation and abuse from my step mother and and they just like

you know so that we were very descriptive with others I mean to me it was like they just pull all my emotional got down laid it out on the table maybe look at all the parts and then they said hold your arms out here take all the back now you need to go out there and find a twelve step program to help you find a way to live we can't help you anymore after Kerr is only going to last a certain amount of time you better find some help out there well prior to me going to the treatment center might partners sponsor has suggested that I go to Alan on meeting because she saw the crazy happening with us you know and so I went into and I'm in a meeting that's going to probably like fifty or sixty a a meetings at this point and they're fun I enjoyed a meeting and I went Alan on meeting it was happening at the same time a meeting we went to and I went in there were church or in a circle they were Kleenex boxes in the middle people crying and talking about their feelings and I was like oh my god I don't want to be here so I jetted out of the at the at the break

and I said I won't go there she did that's okay and I didn't go back but I and I was kind of error again about not wanting to go I kind of I was and after I got out of treatment

I was in treatment they told me that my entire belief system was founded upon lies

good morning to you too you know I mean like what do you do with that

my entire belief system is founded upon lies ward where do I go from here

what what I mean I don't know what to believe anymore you know so

they told me to go to Alan on and that's what I did and I went into an online meeting in Pasadena California

and I went to that meeting and I've been listening and and ninety meetings sponsored service for you know the drill and ask the woman to be

find somebody was something that you want us to do your sponsor well there was a lady in there with with the several years in Allen on probably for it seems to me like ninety you know and

she had a relationship with a recovering alcoholic and that's what I wanted so I asked her to be much harder you know and she said yes

and I was started working is that since you have me take a service commitment and I went to my home group every week instead of the poor to get home group show up every week when you aren't there you better let somebody know that you're not

because it's home we look for you and they said to me in the beginning or maybe I heard it I don't know it's in me now they said well this came from a actually it's hard to fall off the wagon when you're sitting in the middle of it

and I got in the middle of Alan on almost twenty six years ago that's where I've been ever since you know it's like my life this lady help me work to death I I could get that I was my life is a manageable but I I wasn't ready to fully concede that I was powers of alcoholic at first

I can let that go completely but it didn't take long until they got beat now to me I think we're probably together I don't know I don't even know maybe two years it's been like twenty but you know how the drama tire has low lows in program a lot of that craziness what's happening and eventually I I got it that like I probably couldn't stay in that

here's the thing I love about Alan on when I got here my life is not my choice I have been living my life for somebody else my whole life and my sponsors said to me I was never told me that I needed to leave and I needed to leave and I know she knew I needed to leave but she didn't tell me that she said I don't know what you need to do she said I'll help you find your higher power in your higher power will help you figure it out and if you need to leave you'll know you'll know which your life you will know you people gave me a choice I never felt like I had a choice until I came to Alan on and she said we're just going to work the steps and step you're going to find out so it became I became painfully aware that I need to leave but you see I'm addicted to her just like an alcoholic can't quit drinking I couldn't quit her you know so god did for me what do you what I can do for myself any moved Thursday and burn a Dino and I still live in Burbank and I tried to do that driving back and forth and it just didn't work trust me I tried I remotely here

so I've been a program two years it was nineteen ninety one my grandmother was sick my grandmother had been like my champion because after my dad just told me my grandmother still well she didn't have you know if their religion shouldn't approve my lifestyle but she let me because I was a flesh and blood

and I would go home and I remember

when my grandmother died god it was so hard for me I went to the funeral and my dad it's it's been like two years probably since he does I mean he was there and like oh my god stupid things that like with my heart I would go to the church I'm sitting on the queue on the opposite end of where you're sitting at the down to get up and move from like really really you know I mean god that's the family I'm from so we go to the funeral and it's worth it good graveyard and and I thought to myself because I've been with you people for a while now I I've been thinking about my actions and how how impacted by the choices that I made and I thought you know what I mean never see my dad again as long as I live how do I want to leave this if this is the last time I see him and I walked up to him and I said I love you Daddy and I put my arms around him and hugged his neck and he pulled back and he looked at me in the eye and he said flat when you leave and and that's it right now so I walked away and I wouldn't let him see me cry when you'll give him the satisfaction that you know because I have pride still to

no so I came back you people like him working the steps I kept doing the deal and I and I decided that

I didn't know how to date I knew had like having the traction I thought about how to try to H. B. merit you've we should act on that you know and like completely being messed with you and we live together forever and six months later when I'm ready to kill you I wonder what went wrong right

so I kind of my sponsor one day and I go now I have a plan she goes really little one

your plan and I said well you know I I don't know how to do the dating thing right so I've I've devised a little idea for myself if I really like someone I love the whole thirty sixty ninety day thing they have going on the issue it's all go if I like someone I won't kick in for thirty days and if I really dig I won't have sex with them for ninety days I think I think people offered here I'm not sure