The AA Cyprus gathering in Cyprus

Have a bit over to Richard. His Home group is Richmond on Wednesday. Thank you. Good morning everybody. My name is Richard. I'm grateful. Recovered alcoholic.

Can you always hear me at the back? Right. Yeah.

Not only have I recovered from any hope of state of mind and body, but my friends and family and acquaintances have also recovered from the hopeless state of my drinking and the chaos of the madness that went with it.

The reason I introduced myself was recovered is because I think the greatest gift that one alcoholic can give another is the gift of hope. If you go to the doctors and he says you got cancer and you say what's the chances? And he says, well, not really, you're going to be sick for the rest of your life and done it, that's called no hope. If you go there and say what's the chances? And he says, do you know what? We have a bit of work, with a bit of effort, with a bit of willingness,

you can recover with a happy, joyous existence until the day you die. So that's the reason why I just myself is recovered. I don't do it to separate myself. I don't do it out of ego and I don't do it to piss anybody off. And that's something I should apologise for now. My language can be atrocious sometimes. It's

Yeah. Look, the trophies for me says right. I didn't come to our college synonymous because I wanted to get my life back. I didn't have one. This year only stripped me of everything worthwhile in life. So, you know, if you came in with a job and a car and a career and kids in the house and look, the only requirement for membership here is a designed to stop. A sincere desire to stop. That's it. So please, you don't have to have done the things I've done. You don't have to drunk like I did. You don't have to have the consequences I did. This is about the feelings and the thoughts that went along with it.

Two weeks ago I lost the 53rd person and 7th exponse and I was at a funeral before I came out here.

Alcoholics Anonymous.

He's not a daily agency, it's not a social club and it's not a counselling session. This is a life briefing, life giving, life saving fellowship I'm a very proud member of. Without it I wouldn't be standing in today. I'm absolutely passionate about a program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I mean passionate. I don't make many friends out, but I'm not here to make friends. I'm here because I was dying of an illness as progressive in nature and fatal. I will die from this and hopefully by the end of

my shared day you'll understand why

the sponsor his name was down.

Sorry, social time,

a very young age, about 12. I just didn't fit in with everybody. And from the age of 1 of psychiatrist and they put me in his room once and they, they got his box out and they put it in in front of me and it had square holes and round holes and oblong holes. And, and they went down this mirror and they said please open the case. I opened the case and looked at it and he said we should put the square head into the square holes and ground pegs into the groundhogs. And I looked at them and even from that age, I, I, I'll call it thinking, you know the fuck I am.

What

really you take your piece? So I like the square ones. I'm slashing it around ones. I grab your ones and smashing it triangle ones. And very soon I got the label psychotic. So of course the IT went around the estate. This gives us an utter and then I acted up on it. But the actual truth is why I was just a little boy full of fear and I just wanted to impress you. So it was me that nick the cars. You know, it was me that did all that stuff that other kids wouldn't do because I wanted to live up to this reputation, really, that I just didn't deserve.

But 14 years old, I'm indoors

and I got my sore blazer on and I'm banking off the school

and I heard this bottle of Scotch in the cabinet, but I remember they were away and I can hear and it's going through me. Drink me. So I think it's like this coming up. I went like that and it tasted awful. My folk was on fire, my stomach was on fire, my head was spinning and I thought I'm never touching that shit again. And then BAM, it happened. What makes me bodily and different movies for my fellows, The phenomenon of craving kicked in. I didn't know that then. And now I've got my hand over my nose, my face screwed up and I'm sipping it a bit at a time

until in the end I'm paralytic. And I have my second great thought that day, which is to go and take my daddy's 3 litre Grenada on the driveway. Don't talk to pick my heights up

so I've got 3 cushions on the seat and I'm looking like that trying to stay over steering wheel Absolutely at me now and I get down to school. Three of my pals jump in the car,

we're going up the on street and we've got all over the place like this. And as I get to the top tomorrow, the police are behind me with a light flashing. So I pulled up outside my house and I mounted the pavement, hit the brake and as I hit the brake, all my pals went forward in the car. They all jumped out the car and they were all really good powers. They're stuck through thick and thin with me. They jumped out the car mate, see ya, it's legit across the road. So the police officer got out and he come out to the driver's door and he opened the driver's door and I fell out the driver's door, got the lid caught by the seat there and he picked me up. He said, is this your car?

So he's there. He was a school Blazer, right? Yeah,

it's a bullshore line, so he's one. That's time, he said emotions like birth. I said the 7th to the 7th, 1936. It's not about you fucking 64

as I know it does. Is he getting about a fucking car?

I didn't know it then, but that was going to be the pattern to my drinking for the rest of my life.

My stories are simple. One, as the drinking got heavier, the prison sentences started, and what happened was the prison services got logged out at the time in between them got shorter and shorter and shorter and shorter. And while I was out there drinking, I just caused chaos and carnage and devastation everywhere I went.

I was in a flat in Peckham once, right? And there was a geezer sitting up and sitting here and a can of tennis in my hand. He'd be driven out of the corner of his mouth. He had a tornado wrapped around his arm with a needle hanging out

and he looked up at me and he went, Richard, you're fucked, man. You need help.

Our book talks about I could no longer as soon as between the true and the false life have become the only normal one. Because you could have asked me. I told you I was fine. You see, I could see his reality. What I couldn't see was my reality.

I'm not a functioning alcoholic.

I didn't get up and go to work. I didn't have the career, I didn't have the kids, I didn't have the car, I didn't have the house. He still needs to suffer from never allowed me to gain any of that outside stuff. It just didn't. You know, I'm the one the book talks about. You know, I become disgustingly, dangerously antisocial when I drink. That's my truth.

So I ended up on a street with a gun. Now, at this point, my ego

wants to appear. He wants to tell you about armed robberies and everybody hit the floor, all that stuff, because that's where my illness is. My illness lives in my ego, but that's not the truth. You see, the truth for me is that the first people I robbed from was my family, then it was my friends and it was my acquaintances that it was anybody that got in my way. Now, I'd like to tell you that I didn't care, but I was unable of Karen because that's what this illness does to me. And Doctor Jekyll, Mr. Hyde

and I smashed everybody to pieces around me.

You know, it wasn't glamorous.

Now welcome to I owe you. I I this I this delusion, right, that I'm an international Playboy and a bit of a gangster, right? So I get it. And the truth for me is this right? I'm so much of A gangster. I'm walking around bus stops picking fake butts up. And as to the international Playboy, I went out of a Berlin or Crimson once. But I'm absolutely delusional. I'm not joking. My first a a meeting. I went at the first meeting. My this beautiful looking woman come up, miss you and me. Can I take you home and shag you? That's what I'm going to say, right? What she actually said was are you new? Would you like a cupcake?

But my age would be mental and mental. I'm even drinking water alcoholically by the way you say this.

So I end up in prison with a very long sentence. It doesn't matter around me I've done and it doesn't matter how long they are, but I've been away a few years by this point and all of a sudden I get this knock on themselves

side my normal prison welcome.

He said they're brewing no chap down the church. I couldn't get down there quick enough good few years by this point. So I flew down to church and when I get down to church and all sitting in a circle Duke and he went is she my there and I went all right, mate, and he went alright mate, welcome to the Alcoholics. None of us meet Nicole in prison. My name is Jordan. I'm an alcoholic

and I'll try to my mind, I'll sit about my scary voice. What the fuck have you bought my ear for? And all I saw was it said 12 God steps, 12 God traditions. I thought the mariachi band is going to be coming in a minute with more praise in Jesus and rattling their things. This is not for me, not for me. Now they before I was released, if you have put a lie detector on me, ask me if I was going to drink again. I told you undoubtedly I wouldn't do it. And I meant it with every fibre of my being because by this time my mates have got houses, they've got careers, they've got kids, they've got lives. I've got none of that,

none of that.

I was released at 7:00 in the morning. By 9:00 in the morning I was pissed. By 12:00 I was in a crack house and by 8:00 that night I need 11. Now it took me one day, one day to go right back to where I left off because I just think with you euphoric recall, right? I don't go back to them. Last dated in a bin shed drinking cans and set a cider. Well, I'll go back to 1989 in a field of break for love on and pills and love and this is all wonderful. That's a euphoric recall I had,

but I don't go back to that little drop of Scotch I had. But I was a 14 year old kid. I'll go back to exactly where I left off. That's why it's a progressive illness. So I came out and I hit the streets running as I normally do, robbing, lying, stealing, cheating, doing all this stuff and ended up smashing the pieces again. I thought, I know I'm going to go one because they had meetings. So I turned up at this a a meeting and they said get a sponsor who's got what you want. So I've got someone who's eight years and do fuck all because that's what I want you to be. 8 years and do nothing.

They say think, think, think. I thought he said drink, drink, drink.

They said don't get involved in a relationship in the first year. So I got a girl pregnant

but I said easy does it. I do fuck all

when I went back out of the streets and I did what I've always done for the world

life, stolen, cheated, I did all that stuff again and

about 3 months later I ended up in another prison. This time the prison was in my front room.

I thought of Bacardi. I was 7 1/2 stone. I was Jordan Shelley. I had two heart attacks and then I stroke my eye, dropped my lip. I dropped my whole left side had gone. I was on 120 mil methadone ship with Milan, antiphon, Prozac, diazepam, temazepam. I was not in a good way. I was not in a good way. And what I truly believe happened that day was

God put his head on my shoulder. That time when enough is enough. Stop, Richard. Because I didn't have the power to do that. I did not have the power to do that. I just wanted to die. I had a carving knife there and I just wanted out. Now, here's the thing with it. But I wasn't going to go sideways. I was going to go long ways because it's only quite help. I'm out of here and

I've taken a sponsor, a little Walker. I've seen the exact same story back. But here's the thing for it. I've got delusions with Grainger like, 'cause I'm, I'm about to kill myself with this knife. And as I'm about to kill myself with this knife, this voice is coming from and said when the police breaking, you could at least hide it. Flower. It's a bit of a shut up. So I think I ran a flat for an hour and a half, tidying a flower right to sit back on the couch with this carving off. And as I'm about to top myself, it comes into my head, two police officers standing over me. Once it's the other

side, No one says I can see that castle, but look at how tidy his face.

This is all going on while I'm sitting there about to kill myself,

so I pictured my body going down the mouth

with the British flag draped over.

I've got a 21 gun salute each side, Army and Navy.

My sponsor, he looked at me at this point and he said was you in the Army?

No, crazy.

I'll pick the phone up that day. I put it on that phone. I just got lost. Goddamn. I was told to get to a meeting and get the one meeting quick because you're going to die. They say the longest journey you can take in is from the head to the heart. I've been in meetings before. I had sat in meetings and I told you I was done. And what I've learned over the years is this talk comes from the head, action comes from the heart.

And it was in my heart this day. There was no reservations, lurking notions. I knew I was done for good and all. Not one day at a time. I was done

because the first time I came here, like what somebody said to me is it's just one that time. And I said give it your line. It's not, isn't it? I gotta do this rest of my life. They went yeah, but it just wasn't bad. I said no, you'll tell me I could never drink again. And I went here. It's just one at a time. This time I walked in and a little old boy walked home to me when just one day at a time. I said, I fucking don't know. I hope not. I hope I'm for good at all because I never want to drink again. I never won't do the stuff that I've done and never want to hurt the people around me ever, ever again.

So I'll go to this meeting, right?

And what I've been told was to stay away from these meetings where these people that carry big books, right? Because they're joy boys, they're step Nazis, they're nutters. Stay away from them.

So I'd say to newcomers coming in the doors, see if you give me the big book, stay away from him. Like a mental I'd go out and get pissed and come back and he was still sitting there smiling

and he joyous and free rocketed in the 4th dimension.

I'll get all the embarrassed for you, Paul Sod.

And I go out and I drink against, get smashed to pieces and I come back and he's still sitting there smiling. And I thought maybe I need to ask somebody like this. Now, this is only my experience, OK? It may not be yours, but my experience of AA in my early days was this. I'm a little sleeping with who I knew, who's plumber was broken, whose dog has been down, a vet that day, who'd had a bad day with their wife, who'd had a bad day with their relationship. I knew everything there was to know other than what I was suffering from

a fatal illness called alcoholism and more importantly, the solution to that problem that I have.

That's just my experience. So I heard people in here talk a good program because it's really easy to repeat what you heard last night in a meeting. I'll give an example what I'm in a meeting. It's one of their meetings where you've got to raise your hands. I hate their meetings, right? But this is the goal for him. He's about 30 odd years. He never says a word and all of a sudden he left his hand up one day and an old woman just looked at him and he went whole Tom alcohol. Did you know that I is in the word illness? And we, he's in the world of thank you very much.

So wow. Oh, the wisdom. And the next night I'm sitting in the meeting and the woman went, my name's Joan. Did you know the eyes in the world illness always in the world? Well, and how, how? Because it's really easy to repeat that stuff. Well, I was told when I got here by people armed with facts, don't watch what they say, watch what they do because that's more important. My experience of being in a a is this. There's three types of people in the meeting. There's the ones who think this is an illness and they'll come to meetings. They may make tea, they may not. They may get sponsored if they may not.

They might do the steps, they might not. Then you got second type. I think it's quite serious illness. And they'll come with lots of meetings and they make it sponsor. They may not. They may do steps. They may learn the traditions, they may not. They may learn the concepts, they may not. But then you've got the third type. They don't think they know that this is progressive in nature and fatal when they're dying. And they'll go at lots of meetings, they'll fly through the steps, they'll take infantry, they'll do their praying. They will sponsor legions of people

and they will do all the stuff here that needs to be done because they know they're dying from this.

Because as I said earlier, he's not a social club. He's not.

So I followed this bug to his Home group, knowing that some people talk about programming it because I thought I'm not going to ask him now. So I'll get to his own group. And he stands outside with his phone. Now I thought, that's a black, right? He's trying to make himself look good in front of the rest of the globe. So I went out to a newcomer. I said, does he ring you? He said ring me. Do I ask me fucking crazy. Don't stop calling me.

And then I'll find out in a meeting with his sponsor, his sponsor, his sponsor and his sponsor after 47 years or just become a little putting their chairs out, all getting involved. And I thought, do you know what? I want some of this? And I said to this guy who will respond to me. He said, are you willing to go on your legs, Richard? I said I will run around Kingston naked with a red Dicky bowl and it's going to keep me sober. Please don't ask me to do that.

Well, if you want me to. So I'm gonna just give you a program of action because this is a program of action. It's not a program of thinking. You see, it's where thinking got me, right? I'm sitting on a couch one day. I've got kind of tense in my hand. I've gotta keep having the other. And I've seen on the TV the geezer with A6 pack before. I didn't get married. Someone's coming up, get myself an awful bird. 2 weeks later I've got a kind of tenants and a Quebec and I can't work out how come I've got a six pack. Alright, absolutely no action going into this.

So I said, because this is a program of action, I want you to get down on your knees every day. Invite God into like, oh whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you say God?

They went, yeah, if you had gold in your life every day so far. I said no. He said, how's it fucking going? I said, shit. He said, well, you need my name? No, I can't completely. Religion, all that stuff I'm not interested in, never have been. And he said, look, do you believe? I believe? I said I believe you believe. Yes, He said, OK, ask Billy's God every morning to keep you sober then. And at the end of the night, thank Billy's God for keeping you sober.

I said OK, I can do that.

So when you are glad to, there's 10 things out every morning you're grateful. And I said to him, well I just had a stroke and you can't be coping Well fuck am I both before

he said, why don't you look at the things that you should be grateful for. Did you know some third world countries have to walk 3 miles in the morning to go and get a bucket of stagnant water? 37% of the world's population are going to go to bed tonight under the stars without food in their stomach. And you yourself is prick. I've got all of that. I went selfish. That's a bit strong thing.

Come to find out instead. For that's exactly what I am, selfish and self-centered to the core. To the core,

so also

sponsor I had what the facts of any stuff being in a / 40 odd years. You said to me, I want you to call me every morning at 7:00. No, I didn't have a phone because it was in cash converters again. So I had to go down the phone box and ring him and after two weeks of ringing him he never answered the phone. I pulled him in the homework and I said oh you don't answer the phone. He said where did I say you in the beginning? I said you said ring you. He said yeah. He said, I didn't start fucking pick it up, didn't I?

So when you're going to meet, so when you put your hand at the newcomers, I said I can't do that. He said, why not? I said I'm shy. He says you weren't shy about all the Republic asking the Barber who you didn't know for a point, what's up? I said no, so we'll do this thing. You see, what he could have done was he could have sat me down and he could have said, Richard, what we're going to do is what we're going to talk about selfishness, self centeredness. We're going to talk about an altruistic program where we look out to fix what's within. But it would have just gone right over my head and would have understood a word he said.

But what he did do was place me in that position because this is what I've done in a a all my life. I've come here late, I've drunk your tea, I've ate your biscuits, I've chatted your bones up and I've fucked off early 'cause all I do is take, take, take, take, take. I've got an illness of more discontentment. What cures that discontentment is looking out and helping others. Now you can explain any of that to me. He just made me do it. So that's what I did.

It came out of my ass on the Monday

and we sat and we started going through big stones. There was no white and there's no handouts. There's no 50 examples of manageability, 50 examples of powerlessness. He said to me it's all individual and that's the way we're going to do it. So we're further forward to preface the doctor's opinion. Bill, sorry, there is a social more about algorithms in step one. We've got a Step 2 agnostics. We went through that in about 10 minutes. He said you will come to believe soon or later which that we got down on our knees and we did the step three prayer and I knew I was doing Step 4 because I had a pen and paper in there. And he said, do it now.

And this is what he said to me about the big book of alcoholism and some steps in it. This is what he says now at once launched into strung USFA action, action, more action immediately, waste no time. And now gives me how often Step 5, the rest of the time is about do it now. Because he said to me, I ain't going to sit around and watch you die. You've got one way to do step four. And if you don't do it, fuck off.

That's just OK. So I was dealing with it. Thank God for people like that. Thank God for the people that care more about my life than I do about hurting my feelings because I know it takes 18 months or two years to do step four. At least

I treat it like a part time job, 4 hours, four hours and four hours and it was done. It came out my ice cream 4567 and the only time he diverted from the big book of alcohol students was in step 8 because he says in step 9A remortal moment that we're sorry will not fit the bill at all. So what he did was he got me to write out three columns person harm. I did walk a mile in their shoes. Now what I can tell you is I put my parents through hell. Now that's a bit of a statement,

but I had to put myself in my parents shoes and write a letter to myself about what I'd actually done

and if you'll come out of it.

We're traveling out and down a country every single weekend, getting on ferries and boats to travel to prisons where we were shaking down and patted down by prison officers to sit in a person looking at you serving an arthritis John Bichello, shaking and shivering. We couldn't trust you anywhere near as we had our purses. We had to hide our wallets. We had to take the keys off of you. Every time there was a family gathering we had to tell them you'd gone to Australia again.

I'd be like to about 15 times by the way, I've actually been in there.

You saw that pace of mind. You saw that security, you stole their relationship with a son. That that right there is where the challenge happened for me because I've only ever seen the damage that I've done from my side. I'd never seen it from yours ever. And by placing myself in other shoes, the change started to happen. I went out and made my 2 1/2 weeks. I completed 3/4 of the ongoing events, took over seven years now with the financial stuff because because I robbed and stolen

a lot of money, a hell of a lot of money with the 1011 until it took me 29 days to do the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was told to get off my ass and I'd go and give it away to somebody else if I wanted to keep this stuff

and my own. Over the last decade, I've not been out of the book at least once a week with someone. Why? Because every time I take someone through these steps, I'm going through that. I'm continuously replenishing that stock that I need to stay in our quite synonymous.

One of the things I'm supposed to date a lot I said earlier about what you saw was I've gone through the 12 steps and we started the traditions, then we went through the concepts as well. But what he said to you was, I want you to go back to the big book and I want you to read from the preface up to interaction. And somewhere in there there's a car crash and the bloke has to make a decision. And he said to me, and by the way, it's not the jaywalker. So for about a week, right, I'm riding around a lunatic trying to find his car back. So I go through my ear, I've done it.

I know in about a week I'm starting a lot of people that fight Senator who knows where it is And I go back to him and I said I've had absolutely no luck finding that car crash and he really knows not in there.

Why you watch me so mean that? He said, if I just said you'd read the book 15 times, how many times you've read it? I said once. He said, how many times did you read it? I said about 15 times. He said, you know, the most important thing in our polystyrene was that you could possibly learn. When you don't know, ask for help.

Also help because we can't help someone out. He's a weight program. We need to do that.

I've been here a good few years now and unfortunately I've turned into the whole bastard in the meeting. I'm happy, Joyce and favorite rocket in all four dimension. Get on that Like and now I'm that person that people say stay away from. I'm that person. And you know what? I don't care. I don't care. I've seen too many people die here of alcoholism, right? And this is what alcoholism is for those of you that don't really know. And you'll know

I come to meetings

not doing anything. I ain't got a sponsor, not started to book work. But do you know what life is wonderful, sun shining, put a bit of weight on new pair of trainers. In my case, 56 new pairs of bloody trainers. Everything's all right. And about 6 to 8 weeks I'm sitting in the meeting. And from nowhere on a beautiful day, my head goes as long as it's proxy meeting on for. I mean, she shares about that plumber one more time. I'm going to knock her out

and I'm timing how long he shares because he goes on forever this visa,

unamutable and unrestless, and I'm discontent. Or let me put that in London terms for you. I'm bored, pissed off and ungrateful and I don't want to be here. But I got an illness that lies to me. My illness don't go. You've got untreated alcoholism, Richard. My illness goes. You've got Guidola, you need to go and take a pill.

Doesn't tell me about entry now Christians.

As a direct result of doing this, I've stayed out

when you have stayed here. This is the the thing of it. It's this is not about quantity. This is about quality. This is about freedom. You know I have that look my girlfriend sitting over there, right? If you want to know recovered I am ask her. Don't ask me because I'm a fucking liar. But what she sees is she sees me like this.

She don't see me up and down screaming and shouting and nasty and horrible. She doesn't see any of that. She just sees me or anything kill. Has my life been absolutely wonderful all the way through our place? I mean, that's not no. I've had both parents die. I've had an art operation. I've seen good friends die, I've lost relationships, I've lost jobs. But not once has it come into my head to have a drink. You see you stubbing your toe is a good reason for me to have a drink. When I got you,

I drank when it was cloudy, I drank it was sunny. I drank when it was miserable. I drank when it was raining. I don't need an excuse to drink. Drinking is like breathing to me. Take that away from me and I'm gagging, absolutely gagging until I get one in me and get a sense of visa and comfort that comes out once by taking a few drinks And I've noticed it in the past with my friends, like I've gone to a pub with my most and my mate will pick a drink. I mean, do this

quite fast. It's what I do, right? You know it's coming, didn't it?

Oh fuck it out. Stick a life on Creator.

In fact stick the treble in it and I'm off. What is the effect that I get that he don't get

a miracle? Racist and discontent. And when I drink, it goes. I might be standing around where I am feeling the way I am, but a minute I'm left without a drink in me. I'm just miserable, miserable until in the end I just go and do it again. So I suffer from this illness. There's no two ways about it.

When my mom died, I was my dad had been up to hospital for three days without keeping an eye on her. And he rung me up and he said, I can't sit up here no more, son, can you come up and look after her? And I said, yeah, of course. OK.

And he left and I went straight down in the car and I cracked a couple of cans open and I got me parked out and I got me gear out and I sat there. And then I went up into the hospital to see how she was doing and she died on her own.

And I'd like to forgive myself for that

some four years later. I don't I wrote to my dad in my immense to say to you that, you know, I'm sorry, but I'm really a decent life. If you could forgive me, you know, that would be great. And we'd like to talk. And he just sent me a letter back saying, Richard, fuck off, fuck off and die. And I didn't see him for nine or five years. I got a call right now and someone said he danced in hospital. He's had a stroke and he he's dying and he's, he wants to see you.

So I feel like the hospital and all his mates were standing out of bed. None of his mates recognised me because as I said, the last time they'd seen me I was 7 1/2 time and George, I was not in a good way. And I said to my dad, I've come to see you

and he just looked at me and he went, yeah, you're rich, is my Enya. When you see him, tell him he's a proper prick. I said, dad, it's me. And he went. You tell him he's a brick. And I left and went outside and one of his mates come out and said, are you alright? I went, yeah, yeah. No, I'll get over it. I'll go.

He said, look, let's have a chat with him and we'll explain who you are. And I went back into the room and I told him who I was, and I went up to his bed and I lay down and I said, dad, it's me. And he went, yeah, I know. Have you still got that fucking drill you borrowed off me four years ago?

Here's the beauty

of working responses. At the time we had to talk about turning the machine off because he was going to die.

But we'd always promised ourselves why it never got to the point where we had to get somebody to work. Our asses would want it down. And he promised me that he'd kill me if we can't, they'll come to that. And I promised him I'd kill him if it would come to it. And I'm standing there and he standing, he lost his both arms and both legs. He's not far off at dying. And he said to me, son, you promised me that you would kill me if it come to this. And now I want you to keep your promise. Put a pillow over my head and Take Me Out, please. I can't live like this no more. And I stood there, and I contemplated,

and you move forward, and I'll pick your pillow up. And I stood there with a pillow.

I thought, I've gotta do it. I've gotta do it. And as I'm about to do it, the phone rang. When I pick my phone up responsibly, yeah, I mean, Tesco's and some birds just run over my foot with epoxy trolley. I went, what did? You better have done some inventory around this. I said Dad, give me a second

after going out and doing the work with him on the phone for about 10 minutes. I come back at my hired a whole new perception of what was going on because that's what this is about in a whole new perception of what's going on. What I think is going on is usually not what's going on. That's why my response up. I have to defer to the thinking of others. Here's my eye thinking right, I'm going to move to France. I've seen this beautiful little shack wooden with a beautiful balcony and at night time as the sun goes down behind the mountains. I'm just going to sit in a rocking chair and while my life away. And I've told my sponsor that,

you know, let's look sponsors out when they smile, when they know something but you don't

That look. And he went, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, he said, so you're gonna be in a foreign country. But he knows people. Word of English, There's no meetings. There's two vineyards either side of you. All right, now I ain't seen none of that. My sponsor has done. And that's the problem. You see, when I start taking inventory and I just do it myself, I'm not seeing the whole picture. I need to defer to the thinking of other people. And I will tell one more story before I go away quickly.

About 3 months in, I've decided right,

the best thing I can do here is drink non alpha lava in the pub in my mouth. And he's got that smile on his face. The sponsor, I mean. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I said no, you don't understand, I'm not like you. And he said, yeah, really? He said come in and we show you something. He took me in a minute. He said, see that chair? He's got your name on it and it will be here when you get back. I said I ain't going anyway. He went right. OK. Three months later, I walked up to the meeting, he smashed out my nut and he looked at me with that smile and he went, how's it going? All right, I went. No, it's not.

Where's that proxy shirt?

About six months later, I'm sponsoring the sponsor. He comes at me and goes, I found a way of drinking without actually drinking and I went, ain't gonna do that. He went, I'm gonna drink. No, I quite love it. My mates. I said I did that. I did that piece. He said, if I'm not like you, I said I said that too. Come here. See that chair? It's got your name on it. It will be when you get back. But you know what? Right, by the grace of God, he did come back. Because I've seen a lot of people who haven't come back.

They haven't. All I know is without approaching English and the probe on the back of its anonymous,

I wouldn't be alive today and nor should I be for the stuff that I've done.

Bill Wilson wrote a big book of Alcoholics otherwise, and this is what he said. I may have seen a lecture and I may have seen that given advice. If that's so, I'm sorry 'cause I don't always care for people at lecture me. But what I've related is based upon actual experience and some of it's been painful. That's why I'm anxious that you understand and avoid these unnecessary difficulties. So to you out there may soon be women's. We say good luck. God bless. Thanks for letting me speak to that.