Ralph W. from Los Angeles, CA sharing his story at the Spirtual progress rather than spiritual perfection convention in Oslo, Norway

Yeah.

My name is Ralph White. I'm an alcoholic.

You caught me by surprise. See, I was like just comfortable waiting for countdown as the feedback. Somebody helped me.

Oh man,

we good. OK now last night you guys are all gluttons for punishment out here I guess. You know, this is 2 nights in a row you got to hear this guy so I appreciate you already. You know, if you going to sit through this, I'm going to give it to you. You know,

that's all new, you know. And last night somebody said, Ralph, I thought you said you weren't going to talk fast.

And actually I wasn't talking fast, you know, so you really don't. So let me really Rev it down a couple. But we got a long way to go in a short time to get there. So I like to try to get it all in, you know. So I was talking to somebody at the break

and

you know, this is not because I'm up here and I'm trying to get points, though I am up here trying to get points. But that ain't why I'm going to make this statement. I have been really, really, really impressed and surprised by this fellowship when I came out here.

You know, the only person I've been communicating with has been Ruben. And that's not to say he gave a bad impression of you guys,

but we've been communicating via e-mail. And, you know, I knew this was a, you know, fairly as conferences go, a fairly young conference. And I thought this was a fairly young fellowship. And I thought, OK, I'm going over here to Norway. And, you know, I, OK, maybe, you know, people be kind of stoic because the only Norwegian I know from my neck of the woods is Clancy. You know, so I had all you guys as many Clancy's, you know, this

and so

and, and but a the enthusiasm

be just the reception. And then see, here's the here's the kicker. I really was not prepared for the level of recovery that's up in this piece. And you guys are doing the damn thing. You know, the speakers, the people I had the opportunity to talk with to the on the sidebars,

you know, man, I am, I'm fed, you know, could you bring me out here? And I'm like, OK, people think I'm a member. I'm just a guy. I'm just a member. So when I go to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, a, even when I'm talking, I don't even always I'm, I'm with you guys. Let's see what this guy is going out to say because I always know. And then but to really hear the message

from you guys, Ruben was translating. So the people he translated for, I hope that's what you guys said.

You know, he, I don't know. I don't know. He made you sound good though so

and then the panelists that I had the opportunity to share with today, Frederick and you know, I

chance you know you guys. Thank you. If include me in your company and then tonight we heard the speakers and

Elizabeth, thank you. You know, thank you. And so I'm done now. Now I got all that out the way. Let's get into what we came here for and we getting ready to do a countdown later on. I didn't know it was the level of recovery that's out of here. I know we have people with 20 some odd years of recovery out here. I didn't know we would have people who are out here bringing that kind of message.

And no disrespect to you guys with your 20 something years, no disrespect at all. But to my new friend John with his two months, my new friend Christopher with three months. I came here for you.

I came here for you.

Those are the guys I got an opportunity to talk to. And they stand as representatives for everybody else in here who are trying this thing on facades. They stand as representatives for everybody else in here who's new to this fellowship. This thing of ours, you know, I like to call it, you know, I kind of sound, you know, I'm close to at least I like to kind of sound gangster our thing, you know. But this thing of ours,

you know, and I invite you on behalf all other members here, I invite you to try us on for size.

Take a look. If you anything like me is probably the best step you can take from the cradle to the grave. I don't say it is because I'm tonight's speaker. You know, I've been doing this thing a couple of days and you know the guy is standing in front of you. Let me give you Full disclosure. The guy that is standing in front of you tonight, you know, I am an impress you guy. I'm gonna make you like me guy. I'm a what I think you think of me guy. Now that I know the kind of recovery here, I'm tempted to drop some page line

from the book on you, let you know how well I know the book, how versed I am with it. But I remember being new to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I remember them taking me to a meeting like we are tonight. I remember the speaker standing up in front of the group somewhat like I am tonight. Hair comb, eyes bright, dress pretty nice, string and sentences together real well. I remember thinking to myself that night

I noticed Cat ain't been while I've been. I know he has not felt what I felt.

I know he has not done what I've done. What can this lame tell me? So it's very important that I let you know that the man is standing in front of you tonight is not the same one that stumbled and staggered into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous some few summers ago. I'm going to share with you in a general way what I used to be like, what happened and what I'm like today in the hopes that one of our new friends will be thinking like I was thinking,

Man, I used to do the same things

I used to feel the same way are more important. I too want to have this thing. Grew up in South Central Los Angeles. One of six boys stayed in a little two-bedroom apartment. Moms and pops stayed in one room, 6 boys stayed in three bunk beds in the other room. And my earliest memory of my old man was he was an alcoholic and I didn't want to be like him. My father wasn't abusive and my father wasn't violent. He was an absentee drunk every other Friday like clockwork. You knew he would not show up with

chat. It would be a kid in the neighborhood who will feel like it was his duty to tell my family how my old man and perform up at the pool hall. And I feel ashamed and I feel embarrassed. And those are feelings unfamiliar with from a real early age. Pops got put out when I was eight or nine years old and my mom proceeded to raise six boys by herself. Don't know about you guys over here in Norway, but when I grew up,

ideal family life, we took from the TV programs of the day and in the States, the ideal families on TV when I was a kid

was father knows best. My three sons, Ozzy and Harriet, Leave it to Beaver and that was not going on in my house. When you grown, you get something that's called perspective and perspective works a little bit like this. Got a mom to raise six boys by herself. My mother, when we were kids, my mother was on welfare, social welfare at the time and she refused to settle for that. And my mom put herself back to high school. She put herself through college.

She worked two jobs. She took in clothes that she washed an arm for other people. And when you groan, you look back on your life and say, damn, I had a hell of a mob. Look how she sacrificed to raise these six boys. But when you're a kid about 9 or 10 years old, and you come home from school on a Wednesday afternoon with a couple of partners and you hit the front door, Moms is in the living room with an ironing board up in a rag on the head. You don't feel proud.

You feel ashamed and embarrassed and you stop bringing partners home from school,

and if your name is Ralph, you start living in the prison. I've lived there much of my life, and that's the prison of what I think you think about me.

So I don't know what you think about me, but I'm trapped in what I think you think about me. And I would do whatever it takes to shape and form and mold your opinion around. I'll wind you, I'll dine you, I'll woo you, I'll con you, I'll bully you, I'll manipulate you. I'll buy you. Please like me.

Now, I don't particularly have to like your ass, but please like me. So I'm growing up like that. New friends, the Alcoholics Anonymous. If you go to enough means of Alcoholics Anonymous, you'll hear a lot of common themes from our members. And one of the common themes that you'll hear from most of our members is I never felt like I fit in. And that's not a part of my story. I'm a little guy, like a lot of attention. I've never really been interested in fitting in. I've always wanted to stand out

and as a result of that, I achieved and accomplished a few things coming up in life. Now, my brother Ron, he's a year younger than me, three months older than me in recovery. And Ronnie goes on, he talks a lot too. And when you hear Ron story, if you ever heard his story, it's a trip. You know, we came from the same household,

slip in the same bed, his feet to my head, vice versa, came from the same household, came out of it with entirely different perspectives. If you listen to Ronnie story, he always wanted to be somebody else, doing something else, being somewhere else. Me on the other hand,

I could not imagine being anybody other than me when I was a kid. I couldn't imagine being anybody other than a young brother growing up in Washington, the 60s. It was a change in time. It was a turbulent time. It was a lot going on. I was going to make a difference in my community and I was going to be somebody always grew up thinking that I got that kind of mom, you know, even though I share that she's got her story, it's amazing in and of itself. And so, you know, and the reason I share that with you guys is you'll hear a lot about

dysfunctional families. You hear a lot about the circumstances surrounding our drinking, but that's not what made me an offer. I

I'm the kind of kid that went to sleep on Christmas Eve with all his clothes on because I couldn't wait for Christmas Day to come. Now, my mom only had 40 or $50 as her budget for these six boys, so we weren't getting a lot. I might get some Chinese checkers, we might get checkers, might get a Monopoly game. I might get a baseball glove. But on Christmas Day in our house, it would be smells when you woke up and it would be cooking and the boys would open the gifts and family would come over and it would be singing. And I couldn't imagine being anybody other than me. And the reason I

because I'm not here to report to you guys because a lot of times we get caught up in the circumstances around it. I'm not here to report to you guys that I'm an alcoholic because I'm a poor kid from the ghetto. Look at where I am. I'm in Norway and the room is full. I'm not here to report to you guys that I'm an alcoholic because we grew up and we didn't have no money. Somebody in here grew up with a silver spoon. I'm not here to report to you guys tonight that I'm an alcoholic because I'm a product of a broken home. Somebody in here grew up with both parents. I'm not here to report to you tonight that I'm an alcoholic because my daddy was

somebody in here grew up with parents that never drink. I'm not here to report to you tonight that I'm an alcoholic because I'm a little guy. It's some big guys up in here. I'm an alcoholic for two reasons and two reasons only. One, when I take one can tell you when I'm going to stop. 2, When I sincerely don't want to put it in me and start that cycle up again, I put it in me and start it up again. Anyway, I'm bodily and mentally different. That's it, that's all. The rest is my story and my story

a little bit like this. Most folk had a guy like me in your classroom and you know, I was always student body president and I was class president. I was a straight A student. I was teachers pet. I played ball. I made All Stars on the outside. That should have been OK on the inside. I've always felt like if you really knew me,

like me, yeah, I was teacher's pet. Yeah, I was straight A student. I would have traded it all in if I just could have been cool. Because if I just could have been cool because in my neighborhood it was a whole lot more currency placed on cool than on smart. You know, the guys I grew up with, it was cool. It's probably some of them out here right now. You know, they were the ones in the bathroom smoking cigarettes, shooting dice,

taking quarters from guys like me that brought us to quarters with and guys knew how to talk to girls

and girls were mystery to me. You know, that I, I don't know what it was about the rest of you guys, but you seem to have something I wasn't built with, you know, thirteen years old guys would be standing around talking about already throwing down with girls. I didn't know you guys were lying, but I would be thinking to myself, how come I don't know about girls, you know, and I just grew up that way. So I was sick, you know, it took me a while to get comfortable telling my story and Alcoholics Anonymous because this is the first place I ever came where folk try to out bottom each other.

I got a Home group. My Home group is in the middle of a real hard neighborhood at home. You know, it's it's in the middle. It's on a block called Figueroa. And the Home group was 9604 S Figueroa. That was my first Home group. And Figueroa is a famous St. in LA. And it's famous because

it's an interesting St. Ladies work on Figueroa at interest in hours of the night and they don't get W twos. Let's just put it like that. They don't file taxes for their wages, you know, And Figueroa is one of those that block, you know. So it's, it's, it's all kind of stuff.

And when I would go to meetings there when I was new guys would be standing. They had interest in stories. They had been there to the penitentiary. They had committed these crimes. They had. And I was in the meetings, man, like, oh, that's an answer. I love the stories. And I wanted a penitentiary story without going to the pen to get it right. But my story is mine and I'm not willing to go get another one. So the nice speaker, you know,

I'm a shy guy. I'm a square

and I'm a schoolboy.

That's my story. And I'm 16 years old and I have not done anything. That's late in Alcoholics Anonymous. If you knew,

you know, and I'm 16 years old and I get a girlfriend. Now, Ralph with a girlfriend doesn't mean the same thing. It means for some of you, Cass, Ralph with a girlfriend simply means this. I ran with a crew of dues that went with the same group of girls. One of my boys broke up with this girl. I waited a little time to pass. I told my other boy, look, I want to go with her. He went and asked her, came back and told me. She said yes. Now I got a girlfriend, right?

Ralph don't do girls. I'm scared of girls, right? So I wouldn't do anything with this my official girlfriend.

I had had other girlfriends before, but this one actually knew she was my girlfriend, right, you know? And

so I'm not doing much with her because I'm scared. But this particular night, I go out on a double day, older partner of mine, him and his girl are in the front seat of the car he's driving. Me and my girl are in the back seat. Go to a drive in movie, plastic cup of rum and coke come to the back seat. This particular night. And I drank that rum and coke down and it went down real warm and it rushed back to the top of my brain. And all of a sudden Ralph's hand started doing things they had never did. His mouth started saying things that had never said. I had arrived.

Alcohol did for me what I couldn't do for myself. It gave me the courage to do and the be and the say things I wouldn't do being safe without it. And I liked it. I liked it a lot. The big book Alcoholics Anonymous talks about me in lots of places, and it starts talking about me in the front, our book. There's a chapter in the front New Friends called The Doctor's Opinion, and there's a line in The Doctor's Opinion that jumped out of me the first time I read it. Men and women like me drink essentially for the effect produced by. That's why I drank.

I like what it did.

I'm not overnight alcoholic. I know a lot of members say the first time they took a drink they were alcoholic from the first drink. That's not my experience. I understand we talked about this disease being progressive in nature because that's how I showed up. For me, the first night I drank, I didn't get pissy drunk. I didn't throw up all over myself. I didn't make a fool out of myself. I got a warm tipsy feeling. I kiss and licked and sucked on my girl in some places I had never done before.

And that's how my drinking stay. I would drink

to go out on the weekends and party. I graduated from high school in 1971 and I graduated to higher education in every sense of the word. 1971 I go off to college. I met this major university in my hometown and my drinking was still just on the weekends. By the end of 1971, I'm drinking not only the night of the weekend, but I'm drinking during the day to get ready for the party. By 1972 I'm drinking not only on the weekends, but now I'm

during the week after class and I've added some non addictive marijuana to the mix. By the end of 1972, I'm drinking and I'm smoking herb and I'm selling herb. By 1973, I'm drinking, I'm smoking weed, I'm selling weed, I'm doing other drugs, I'm doing it on a daily basis. And you could not have told me it was anything wrong with the way I was living. The big book Alcoholics Anonymous talks about at a certain point in my drinking career I won't be able to tell the truth from the false. And the way that that worked for me was, this

isn't the way that I'm doing it. Isn't that the way everybody does it? Why would you be young with a bright future, with a little bit of money? Didn't chasing women and getting loaded come with the territory? And those days, man, if you came over my house and I couldn't offer you something to drink or something to smoke, I wasn't being a good host. And if I went over your house and you didn't do the same for me, not only weren't you being a good host when coming over your house in the morning, you know for what?

We didn't have anything to discuss, you know, in 2015, No disrespect to our young friends. I don't mean new friends, young friends.

I'm glad I grew up at the time and in the era I grew up, you know, I grew up at least in the States in the late 60s and early 70s, you go to a concert, you didn't even have to know your neighbor. You just pass and stuff. You know, even though the 60s and 70s was a was a turbulent time, at least back at home. And it was a change in time, you know, and in some ways it seemed like a simpler time in 2015. You got to worry about practicing safe sex because you got deadly sexually transmitted diseases. You got to worry about all kind of stuff Back in those days.

I go to a club, I'd have a one question interview for a girl. You get high if not next. I don't need to know your sign. I don't need to know your last name. I don't even need to know what you let's get to the basis of this relationship. Are you doing what it is that I'm doing? And it was just like that for me. So I'm coming up. I'm I'm going to go over here for a minute, then I'm going to come back to where I was. I meant this university and I'm front end of my drinking. I came to the program four times before I came to stay.

John or Chris, if this is your story,

what I would do in my early attempts and Alcoholics Anonymous,

are we dancing? OK, because can you hear me

slower what I would do in my early attempts at Alcoholics Anonymous? Thank you. You know my early attempts at Alcoholics Anonymous.

I go to a meeting, I listen to a speaker up at the group front of the group somewhat like I am tonight.

I picked out in what was in my mind was the most profound thing. The speaker said go to a meeting tomorrow night, make sure the speakers not there. Not too many of you guys. I repeat what he said. I tack on a keep coming back. The program works and I thought because I claimed it from the podium it would be true in my experience and I kept you noted. I kept you noted. I kept you noted. New friends

and Alcoholics Anonymous

there are lots of thin lines and even though they may be thin lies, they make a lot of difference. And one of the thinnest lines that makes the most difference is a thin line between comparing and identifying. And I would always compare and I would never identify and I couldn't find myself in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and I couldn't find myself in any of you guys stories. I would read the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. First thing I do. I

story Bills are older white guy. We know how that in common builds a Wall Street stockbroker. Check out the way I handle money. You know, we don't have that in common. Bill was a veteran of foreign wars. I'm a Vietnam era draft Dodger. You know, you read Bill story. He said there have been no real infidelity. Miss me on that one too. You know, and that is how I will read the book and that's how I listen to you guys stories. And when I came back to Alcoholics Anonymous to stay,

somebody taught me how to read the big Book Alcoholics Anonymous.

And they said, Ralph, the same way that you read the big Book Alcoholics Anonymous is the same way that you listen to our members share their experience, strength and hope. When you read the big Book Alcoholics Anonymous and when you listen to our members share their stories, ask yourself three or four questions. Ask yourself, did I drink like he drank that I think like he thought that I feel like he felt or did I do what he did?

And when I read Bill's story in the light of those questions, I found my story. I met this major university

and just like Bill, the drive for success was on. I proved to the world I was important. Just like him, drinks started taking a more important and exhilarating part in my life. He said something strange in his story. He said out of this alloy of drink and speculation, out of this combination of his drinking and his thinking, he

would later forge a weapon that would turn on him like a boomerang,

all but cutting the ribbons. I don't talk like that. All folk where I come from had a shortcut version for that one.

They just used to say trouble always starts out like fun. And you couldn't atone me when I was up in that dormitory drinking that Red Mountain, drinking that Yago sangria, drinking that Spinata, drinking that Tyrolia, drinking that Annie Green Springs, drinking that rum and Coke, drinking that vodka tonic, drinking the Screwdrivers, drinking the, you know, now I'm moving up to Remy and I'm tangling tangler. You couldn't have told me

alcohol was going to do what it did because I'm the kind of guy. I'm the image guy. I'm at this major university rolling with people we were going to watch on TV at home, playing in the NFL, rolling with people we were going to be watching. Playing in the National Basketball Association. I'm rolling with cats that we were going to be watching. Double political leaders in my town, in my state and in my country, rolling with people who would be captains of industry. And I'm going to be one of them.

I'm going to be one of them.

Couldn't have told me. Somehow I stumbled up out of that school, started working, took a job that should have allowed me to acquire what normal people acquire. I never did that. Let me give you a snapshot of Ralph's life. This is when alcohol was working. I buy a car. I make exactly 3 car payments, then come find it. Come find it. First time out of work, car repossessed. I heard the nerve to call the Police Department. I'm nine months behind on my car note, right? They came, they got me. You know, I call the police. They do what they do

the right. The rifle owner just came and picked this stuff up. Next two times I didn't even call. I already knew. I'm the kind of brother that never had a problem balancing a bank book. Payday. I got money two days later. Bro zero. No problem balancing my bank book. I stayed in a place from 1976 to 1979 without paying rent. Couple of baffling features about the disease I suffer from. One of them is this. I can't see my relationship with alcohol until I'm free of it.

I can't see what it's doing to me when I'm in the mix. So some of the things that I'm sharing with you guys tonight that are crystal clear to me now looking back in the rearview mirror of experience, we're not at all clear to me when I was going through them. One fact stands out real clear to me about the days I thought alcohol was working. I used to go to work for two weeks, to live for two days.

That's it. That's all. I can't tell you today. The time, the hour

can tell you where I was or what I was doing when alcohol ceased to be a luxury for me and became a necessity. I can tell you that it did happen. Anybody else like me played a regret gaming Alcoholics Anonymous The regret gaming Alcoholics Anonymous go something like this. If I only knew then what I know now, I never would have took that year right.

Reminds me of a story I like to tell by a little boy named Johnny.

Donnie had a habit his father frowned on. Johnny used to like to play with himself. Father goes to work one day, comes home early. Little Johnnys bedroom doors closed. Father opens the door without knocking. Sure enough, little Johnnies in the bedroom masturbating. His father looks at him and says, son, I thought I told you if you keep doing that you'll go blind.

And Johnny stopped and looked at his dad and said, well daddy, can I just do it till I need glasses, you know?

I like that story because that story reminds me of me when I was in the life. I see you going down, you going down, you going. I'm just going to do it till I need glass. And the book talks about seeking the lower companion when long before I became the lower companion. And it's not enough time for me to share with you all the things that should have been signs along the way. I got married in 1980 on a Saturday afternoon in April. Had a bachelor party tonight before my wedding.

None of the guys at the bachelor party are getting married the next day. They all have sense enough to go home at 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. I'm still at my bachelor party till 7:30 in the morning. Right. Me and my brothers, four of us made it to this program. They pour me in bed at 7:30. They give me up at 10:00 for my 1:00 wedding.

I messed up, you know, I'm one of them nights where you in the bed, you trying to keep the bed from rotating. You don't have anything left to throw up, but your stomach line it like that, you know. And so they give me up at 10:00 for my 1:00 wedding and I'm told and I'm supposed to say my own vows at the wedding,

right? So I stagger up in there and my then wife to be took one look at me staggering and stumbling and she looked at the preacher and said OK, scratched on vows, say the regular on him right? So now we get into the ceremony. It gets to my lines and cut to two words now, right? We get into the ceremony, it gets to me. I get ready to say I do and threw up all over.

Passed out.

Have not taken a wedding picture to this day.

Pitiful

and incomprehensible demoralization.

New friends, if you're anything like me, when I first hit the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous,

although the words you guys use in the rooms were not unfamiliar to me, the way you use them was not the way I used them in my everyday walk around vocabulary. You were talking about this psychic change and this phenomena of craving and this allergy of the body. I needed some help with all those, but the first time I heard pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization, I didn't need any help with that one.

Folk like us don't need a dictionary for pitiful incomprehensible demolition. I live pitiful, incomprehensible

demoralization up close and personal, and I lived it over and over and over and over again.

See, I'm the kind of father and I'm the kind of husband.

Remember sitting on my living room couch, my wife coming out of the bathroom real fast, pulling her pants up, going to the dining room table, picking her purse up off the table, clutching it real close to her as she went back to the bathroom.

And I feel this tall because nobody was in the house but me and her. But it got like that in my house. I'm the kind of father and I'm the kind of husband. Remember coming home, sticking my key in the door and I look over here, my wife and two year old daughter sitting here and they both crying. And I look over here and homeboy is sitting in my seat with a gun pointed at my stomach talking about I want my money right now.

Fellas, let me holler at you guys for just a moment.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I always had a lot of fears and a lot of doubts about do I have what it takes to be a father?

Do I have what it takes to be a husband? Because if you're in the life, your track record already gives you your answer, right? Because what's the father's role? And what's the husband's role to protect and to provide. And it's a cold blooded feeling fellas, laying in bed with a woman night after night after night after night, knowing not only aren't you protecting, knowing not only are you providing,

you're the one bringing the wolf to the door.

I'm the kind of father and I'm the kind of husband. Remember sitting on my back porch,

two year old daughter coming outside, pulling in my coat. Daddy, Daddy, that's my Piggy Bank. I remember stopping and giving her a little grant. Don't worry, baby, Daddy's going to put some dollar bills in here for this change. And I wasn't raised to be stealing from my daughter. I wasn't raised to be stealing from my wife. I was alcoholic with no tools of recovery. And I did what it took to get what I needed to get. I've shared with you that my disease is progressive in nature

and in my experience is progressive in a couple of areas. Share One already takes more than it used to take in order for me to get the same effect. But my disease is progressive in another area. My behavior. My behavior gets progressively worse. I'm willing to do more more readily to chase this thing. First time I hit my wife's purse.

If you would hook me up to a polygraph, I swear to you I would have passed when I said I'm not taking this $40. I'm not stealing this $40.

I'm gonna take this 40 and I'm gonna replace it before she knows it's missing. A minute,

minute with everything in me because I'm still took the $40, went out, spin it up, came back looking for some more money. She had moved the purse. And I didn't look for the purse too hard because I couldn't believe I had hit it like that. And I said I'm going to replace this money before she knows it's missing.

I don't know if you were anything like me, but sometimes, every now and then,

I reflect on

all of the divine coincidences that had to line up for us to be sitting here this Saturday night, in this place at this time. Us.

In 1934,

a guy found himself in the hospital for the 4th time. Same hospital,

same doctor.

And that December in 19834, something happened.

And what happened to do was so profound. It scared him. He hadn't experienced that was so it's scared and he went to his doctor. And I like to think about it because I've been in treatment more than one time. And pretty soon they just start looking at you like, man, you full of it. But whatever was that happened to Bill Wilson when he went to the doctor and said doctor, doctor and described to him what happened. It was so profound

that from the outside looking in, the doctor said to him, do I don't know what happened,

but you would look good holding on to this, whatever it is. And Bill Wilson left Towns Hospital that December in 1934 and he said about looking for people like me and you and in six months time couldn't find nobody to stay sober. But he did. And some of his some of his boys that he used to do business went put together a business opportunity. And they said, we want you to represent our interests. We want you to go out of town. And he went to Akron, OH, and he traveled down there in his business. Didn't come off too well.

And he found himself in a hotel lobby on a Saturday afternoon. And that Saturday afternoon, in that hotel lobby, he got thirsty.

He could see the bar from the lobby, about $10 in his pocket, not even enough to pay the hotel bill. Could hear the eyes clinking in the glasses, alcohol calling. But he had had a visit from a partner he is the month before, before he had gone back to the hospital that had told him some things and he remember one. This is what I find so fascinating to me.

A thought came to his mind. I don't know where it came from. It never would have came to me,

he said. I need to find a drunk not to drink.

I didn't look for many a drunk, but never not to drink, He said. I need to find a drunk not to drink. First time we as a society stood at the turning point. You know how when we read chapter five, he said we stood at the turn. Us in the person of that man stood at the turning point. Find a drunk or take a drink. And Bill Wilson said yes, that idea. Find another drug.

No means

no sponsor, no inventory, no writing, no prayer,

he said. Yes to the idea of it's our bedrock, it's what we stand for and it's what we stand on.

It still beats anything else.

He found a drunk to work with and through a series of divine coincidences, he got put in touch with a lady who had a husband like us,

he said. I understand you got a husband with a drinking problem. He called her

doctor Bob was passed out. He said tell the guy on the phone, I give him 15 minutes tomorrow and they met that next day and that 15 minutes turned to about 4 1/2 hours.

And those two gentlemen set about looking for people like me and you.

And in about two years time, they found about 40 people staying sober.

40 people

big.

And I like to think that that New York hustler must have looked at the Akron physician and he might have said something to him like this. He might have said how we gonna let Ralph White know when it's his time

and they said we'll put it in a book

and they put me in that book.

A book started. They started writing that book in 1937.

It was published in 1939. I got to this Earth some years that later, and I got to you guys some years later, and they put me in that book

two weeks after I said I'm gonna replace this money before she knows it's missing. Same scenario presented.

I'm out drinking spin up all my money

came back looking for some more money and the thought of replacing the money didn't even come to mind. It got replaced with a new thought. There's a line in the book describes me to AT we don't know why, but the alcoholic will be unable to recall with sufficient force pain, suffering, humiliation. Weeks, even days ago I said last time I spent four, I took forty came back looking for some more and she had moved the purse. This time I'll take all the money out of the purse and that that I don't spend up.

Get back in the purse.

I was off and running and hitting my wifes purse on a regular basis. Did it one too many nights. Came back one morning, screen door was locked. Note on the screen door, rest of your stuff is at your momma's house. Suitcase on the porch and put out my house. I'm now my daddy. My five brothers got put out of their respective homes over the course of that next year and we all ended up at my mom's house and we damn near killed her.

When I got put out my house and went to stay at my mom's house,

my ex-wife thought it was something salvageable about this piece of man's she married.

She would bring my daughter over to my mother's house on Saturday afternoons so we could keep a father daughter relationship. And I wanted to be a father to my little girl with everything in me. I really, really, really did. I wanted to take my girl to Disneyland and I wanted to take her to Magic Mountain. I wanted to take her to a movie on a Saturday afternoon. I wanted to walk up the street with her little hand in my big hand, just take her to the store and buy her some ice cream. I wanted to sit my girl in my lap and read stories.

I wanted to tuck her in bed at night and get a good night kiss. I wanted to get the look for my little girl that I've seen men in the fellowship get. The look like this is my daddy and this is my hero and the best I could do on those Saturdays was 30 minutes,

30 minutes,

Tell my mom something like I'm going to the store to buy rain some ice cream. I disappear.

Sneak back on Sunday night when her mom was coming together

some of those long Sunday nights. Still remember sticking my head around the side of my mom's house, tears flowing,

flowing. And I see those two heads in the car and those headlights packing out the driveway. And I'd be thinking to myself as they as they went out. There goes my life backing out this driveway.

I've heard a lot of people share they were scared of dying out there. Not a part of my story. Never scared of dying. Scared. I was gonna keep waking up to the same old thing. Monday the same as Tuesday, the same as Sunday, the same as Christmas, over and over and over again. And I'm so glad God don't make misery comfortable.

And on October 11th, 1986,

I got miserable enough

and I got tired enough that I went into my 4th program of recovery.

On October the 13th, I went into the Harbor Life Center on Skier Row in downtown Los Angeles. And that October 1986, I was in a real dark place and I was in a real bad way. I had not looked at myself full face in the mirror in over a year. I was full of regret and I was full of remorse and I was full. I'll never be able to forgive myself for what I had done and what I had become.