The Ultimate Weekend in Morgantown, IN

Welcome back guys.

Right, the ones who came back from their little break to come in to do a little bit more talking about four, four and five right. So how was how was your did you guys enjoy your break into it? Yeah, hurts and inventory. Took a nap, took a walk,

got a massage and not in that order.

So I promised you we were going to do some theater in the lot. Who here knows what theater Lie is? Theater. Theater of the lie? Fear of

that Jersey map? Theater. Theater.

I like theatre of life. Have you ever heard? Have you ever heard of it? No

cat. Yeah, this is not A at all. No kidding. So theater the lot. What it is is, you know, a bunch of people in my sponsorship lineage came up with this idea of

you raising your hand,

looking at your third column and kind of looking at it and saying like, well, what are my attachments? When we talked about attachment, I said attachments aren't bad. We need to have them. And we attach our children attached to our family. We enjoyed their things in life that we enjoy. But it's about having flexibility with these attachments and recognizing that they're tenuous, that they're in our life, are part of our life for as long as they are a part of our lives and one is no longer serviceable or is no longer God's will.

We allow them to leave because we realize that something new is coming in, right? And that's all well and good. But a lot of times in our relationships, in these areas of our life that we kind of talked about in terms of the governments, we have characters that kind of show up. And it's kind of a cheeky way of looking at the third column of your four step. It's also a really cheeky way of looking at your 4th column. And what it does is it very much connects the third column of your, of your resentment inventory with your fear inventory. Because

up, I mean, again, you all, you know, I have been incredible. I've been, I probably learned more here this weekend than you guys have in terms of just talking to you guys and getting some new information and different stuff. That's why I love doing what I do.

But by me, I'll have people tell me that they've done a four step

and I'll ask a question. I'll say, well, did you do a sex ideal? What's that?

Did you write fear inventory? Huh.

Well, what is your 4th column look like?

What? And it turns out that a lot of times people, you know, think that they're writing an inventory, but they're kind of not.

And so this is a really neat little trick that kind of helps people who are new to the inventory process to really get a nice in depth view of it, rather than just like the pure kind of like, OK, I was selfish. And it really helps. And the reason why I really like doing this is because it really helps with step 10, because when, when, when you identify what your cast a character is

and you find that you're agitated or doubtful, you find that you're, you find selfishness, dishonesty, resentment of fear cropping up throughout your day. You can kind of identify like a, like a cluster or a, a character that's showing up that has, has these behaviors, beliefs, defects. So in essence, while you're watching,

what you're watching is for your cast of characters to show up in your mind. So I want to take a piece of inventory.

Who wants to give me a Rusev inventory? We'll take across the Rusevic and here in Honda.

I just did one of these, which is what I one of the things I like to do when I come down. My name is Tracy. I'm alcoholic. Tracy is to make sure to do an annual 4th,

so

I start with a when 1214. What is the event is Jen. My wife continues to do for my stepson what he can do for himself and Abel. Jen is the person the activity

samples used are. She drives Riley around. This is an 18 year old boy. Including when it encroaches on our time together.

She's also calling to find him a place to stay. He's getting ready to leave on his own, and these are things that I feel he should be doing himself. So he she's helping him to avoid the consequences of his own act in action.

So those are the two specifics. OK, so the agenda is Evelyn. He drives around helping him to avoid. Yep.

So what is your? You know we use columns. People use across. Don't like that because I have a left right.

What I like to do is either take a spiral bound notebook, fold it and half and half and I have 4 columns or do it this way which is listed down the page gives you a lot of room. So Jen, that's first column, second column one third column's right here. So how does this? How does? How is your self esteem

being impacted?

I put violates my sense of right and wrong. My pride. Tracy knows best ego. She would rather be spending time, energy, et cetera with him than me. Well, how does that make you feel about yourself?

Consultancy is how I feel about me. It is if you do something and it has how I feel about me. So

that's that

pride. Has that impact your pride?

Well, whenever all these people see your wife,

Catholic, your stepson, stepson, what do you think about you? Who's the most important man? Who's who's the alpha in that household?

That would be Riley.

My testicles just shrank 2 seconds.

Yeah, it's a in body. Smart

people will see me as less than a man, IE people think that my wife thinks less of me than her child. Which one of my job

you didn't live in you didn't live in her for nine months. You might have wanted to because he died. Everybody thinks that they're more important than their child. You never got gosh darn will be just say it just for the girl, right, but there but there's a thing there's that conflict of you know, how can you have love, equal love for me and equal love for your son at the same time

and that belief that the two can't exist at the same time in the same place in the same moment. So that's that black and white either or thinking in it.

And like I love how that shows up because I do that, you know it. And my and, and this is the conversation and my husband has the same conversation with me. I have three boys, so I have 3 masters and I get to think that he's like, you just got, you know, like you bend over, you can get them cookies, Tommy, you do everything for them. And then he's like, can I get, can you get coffee and get yourself?

The way that was described to me at one point was to stand comfortably between two opposing truths. Exactly.

And that so find that and be OK and that uncomfortableness. Exactly. And that's what we really struggle with. You know, we call that cognitive distance, meaning that we struggle with two opposing truths occurring at the same time, same time, the same place. And how can they both be true? And especially if they conflict with monitors, how can I tolerate your conflict and truth and mind at the same time and still honor you and honor me? That's a real thing that we struggle with. And that's the emotional maturity that occurs through this process. But it's not all I've had emotional maturity here and

really emotionally mature over here. And there's that, that that other struggle and that dad, the pride is that now, now let's say, let's look at this and say, okay, so I'm not The Alchemist of my household. Well, the other part of pride is people see me struggling with this and think that I'm blessed them spiritually to people who judge my spirituality or people who judge

my my, my, my ability to be a stepdad. So then there's that, that other part of it

and prod. It's not only just am I competing for the same dinner bowl,

but I'm also this struggle with it and the struggle outside that. People see that and might believe that, you know, I'm not who I set out here, right? So then we have judgment too, right? So how your personal relationship is doing with this? How's your personal relationship with your stepson? How's it impacting it?

I got to go back and out of the thing because it's example by example. This one happens to be, you know, with the driving and that kind of stuff.

I this doesn't really impact that that much in terms of my personal relationship with him, my personal relationships with other men,

with other nails. So you're competing for the same dinner bowl in your family, feeling a little less than a little under loved. How's that show up in your other relationships? Do you feel like they need to prove? Do you overcompensate with spirituality? You know, sometimes when I'm feeling kind of inferior spiritually, I overcompensate and I put on my spiritual person cave and say, look,

I am impenetrable times of God and reality. I've shivered inside. But I'm, I'm going to project that

and the other and the Buddha and I'm like the Zen master, even though all the stuff's going on. So a lot of the Super non enabled because I see, I see that happening, happening in relationships around me. And so I'm going to be the guy that I'm not going to have a kid, you know, eating Doritos sitting in my basement at 18 years old.

What did you say? Intolerant. Intolerant,

would you say meaning that I I take, I take something in that has been one relationship. I generalize it to others and become a tolerant of behaviors. So I see enabling going on in my household. So when I see it say it's one Z engaging in enabling behavior, it might be twitch a little bit right.

And I volunteered for this. I just wanted to make

robotic means that you need to have like a VAT of Kentucky.

I am a prosthologist.

So sex relationships, How's that showing up?

You know, actually the the tension then that's caused be the friction then that's caused between my wife and I over issues like that then does impact that sex relation. How about this for better for work?

A whole lot more tolerant.

Yeah, So sex relations tell I attention, right. But also, what about this is so you're kind of putting your wife in position where she needs to choose between you and her son, right?

Producer Rosanna, I guarantee you, producer Rosanna, I hope I could choose between two people that I love and I know that inevitably I'm going to make one of them on the happy. I might have some refuge emotion regarding that.

I don't mean that I'm angry, but I might feel like that the moms are down there. They're like,

why do I always have to feel like somebody unhappy

in my life? Like, why can't I just be everything that we got? So is it possible that your wife is feeling a little push, pull in, in in the household, in the relationship?

Absolutely.

Now think about this.

You're fighting for the different goal with your stepson.

There's push, pull in your relationship, in the household, a little bit, a little bit of tension, maybe not as friendly and affectionate as it could be. So what happens? What do you do with that? Do you internalize that? Do you take that to the gym? Do you take that other places? Do you throw yourself into spiritual work? Were you taking that energy to show them up there?

I've got a core group of guys that I talk to. So I have

I have good relationships in my life and I can share what's going on. So you're taking the intimacy that's kind of kind of going over here. That's not, that's a little hurt by this, this situation and you're taking that need and you're placing it in appropriate areas.

Yeah, we, we also, my wife and I have been together for 11 years and had a counselor every 3rd week for the entire 11 years.

This may not be your experience, but I'm going to throw it out there because

when we're struggling with our sex relations, that's an energy that's that's a need that we have and it's a need for intimacy. And when we have a need for intimacy that maybe is being impacted or affected by a situation of resentment, a circumstance in our lives, we seek it and order seeks its own level. And therefore we will seek that intimacy. Sometimes we do it in terms of sometimes we do it constructively in the Iron John sort of way. You know, when we create that cadre of you know, of of like, you know,

people in our lives that are our supports and we we kind of get that need met in other places in an appropriate way. And sometimes we don't. Sometimes we take you to the gym and we obsessively work out. Sometimes we take it to the computer and you can extrapolate what that might be. Sometimes we take it to the food. You know, we see comfort if we can't obtain it in the appropriate way for women to do with validation, like ignore you come home and you know, you gussied up and and this has happened to me so many times. Like I'll

hair done and I'll be all like, you know, like and I rarely do it because I'm so not a girly girl. So like if I've actually wandered out of the house and into a salon to get the little bit of hair that I do have cut and like styled in some way, it's probably because I'm not feeling great about myself in the 1st place. And then I come home and my husband goes, it's too short.

Kill you,

you know,

but on the other hand, sometimes in like I said, not with you, but I'm just kind of using this as an example that sometimes it will look for validation in other places. Sometimes we redouble our efforts. We put that into work, you know, like if my wallets really big, even though maybe, you know, there's a little intimacy missing in that relationship, I compensate for it here. Sometimes we do it in being Mr. A A and missus AI. Sometimes we do a peep by being the hot Tamale.

We all know what the hot Tamale is, right? And put on the tightest T-shirt and the shortest pair of shorts and I'm going to get coffee in the middle of the meeting and sash egg house immunity. But

right, sometimes we do that. So what we're looking at sex relations, we're not just looking at the relationship with our significant other, we're looking at how we relate to the opposite sex.

Or we're looking at where am I putting that energy if it's being thwarted here?

So it's definition since that ambition. What's your ambition?

What do you want? When I got into a, I was the guy you wouldn't leave your house plant with over the weekend. I was irresponsible. I was,

I avoided, I was all of those things. As I've started to put a life together,

I am,

I hope in a good way, but I'm proud of the man I'm becoming and my capacity to be a responsible stepfather.

Part of my excuse me, so part of my ambition is that is that tuition

can so I want to be responsible.

I have terribly numerous, excuse me, stepdad, stepdad. What about a kind of virtue? And that's what that sounds like becoming big, right?

Integrity, right? So my ambitions are to be a man of virtue, yet I'm resenting an 18 year old because he gets to eat Doritos and I don't. So am I really being a man of virtue in this scenario?

See a lot, This is why,

This is why they call Peter the law. So like that's a question and This is why this is something we don't do. We don't do brain surgery on ourselves.

Solitary self appraisal self and suffice because that sounded really good and I heard you when I'm with you and then I went. He's pissed off that he gets to eat Doritos and he doesn't. You got to go out and work and you work pretty hard to be responsible. Meanwhile, this ones at home get his tummy rubbed, eat Doritos in the base. We're probably playing Xbox and Lord knows what else, and you're footing the bill.

You're a little pissed off about that.

You know what, you know, if you smelled it, if you smelled it, you dealt it. So it's not like, you know, like I'm right here with you. So like, so my ambition is to be a person of virtue and integrity in this little, little tiny thing that's going on. Maybe not living up to that, right? You know, So if you would change, I would be more virtuous.

I can help out with that.

Yeah,

hide them in your car.

I know I was not. So I need to be changed. My conversion, right. Ambitions, Security. So security,

how secure they need to feel safe with yourself. How is that showing up in this?

Well, you hit it earlier, which is

it's in some ways it can boil down to an or me and I can't feel safe in my marriage and trust and love if I feel like I may not be the most important person in my marriage.

We all want to feel that. We all want to feel like we're important. That's a natural community. There's nothing wrong. It's when King babies, you know, slamming his rabbit and, you know, like, I don't want you to pay attention to me. I'm important too. So yeah,

remain, you know, and is that either or thing?

So

my pocket.

OK, so guess we get that. We know mine, right? And the fact that you're built for this Torrido, an Xbox addiction.

I have a 16 year old. I'm hearing it.

What else? What are you not willing to pay up to be free in this situation?

We hold mountain. What's keeping you from reaching freedom or relief in this situation?

Who do you want your wife to control? Thank you.

What do you want your wife to be?

I'm struggling with that. I don't know the answer.

Your wife was different and said no more. Would you feel better

about the situation

if she enabled less? I think so.

So are you holding your vision of your marriage hostage to this resentment?

I would be more happy if you were more different. Isn't that kind of the same thing we're saying here

mildly, like at 11 one, I'm not talking about 11-12 of change your entire personality and who you are. But on the other hand, it's you know, it's her role as a mom, your idea of a marriage, your idea of what a partner is, your idea of what a brand new looks like. You have this idea, right?

If it helps, then there is something in my own head that when I think about this piece that when I look at the grace that she gives, right? I also know I get the same grace,

so it's I'm grateful for that. So I guess

I want that for myself. Thank you. So you want her to be yours and you want it for yourself. What happens when it's not for you and it and it's for him? What is it that you feel deep down inside? Is it a fear what's going to happen to him? Is it a fear of your what prices your wife may pay in the future? Is it looking in a mirror to who you were

and not liking what you see

as to who you used to be or how people used to treat you?

I don't know. I'm asking you, what are you? What are your thoughts on that?

I am

first, I am afraid for him. There's a lot of things about him that mirror me at that age. And I look at that and I go, dude, you got it. Ass kicking coming your way and and you know what? You're only in this house for another six months or whatever that time frame was,

and I'd like for you to go fall down and go boom when we're here to pick you up. You want control of his fault, then put to protect him from

your experience, which is a beautiful thing except for it's not a job. That what you need to put up and be free is your control, your stepsons life and the idea that your God and that you have any knowledge or vision or truth or access to. You have no idea what's coming down the Pike for the story. He could wake up tomorrow and be a normal human being. No shit,

you are putting you on him,

So what you need to pay up to be free is your ideas of who you are

and who he is

because you see yourself as him. So you see yourself as his peer and you see yourself as competition for your wife.

We are not as pure. You are his parent

but because of your identification with your stepson, you see yourself as a peer. So you put yourself in that spot where it's stuck between your wife and him because of your identification with your stepson. That's what you need to pay up your over identification. There's always some and it's never because it's never like I need to pay $1,000,000 and I'll stop being resentful when I mean what do you have to pay up to be free is what I did here with this stuff.

What's the thing? What idea I have is keeping me stuck in the salary because

I know real men pocketbook at the time. But if you actually read the 12 and 12 and you actually read what it talks about, he's really talking about the things that are blocking the things that keep us stuck in these unhealthy patterns and relationships and ideas. So when my sponsor asked me, he said instead of looking at it in pure monetary terms, look at it in time and energy. Look at it in terms of how much mental or emotional space is this thing costing you, or spiritual space?

What spiritual crisis am I paying? What idea, Concept, behavior, action

thing is preventing me from letting go of this even though I'm all of this to be true

is making sense to you?

So let me say that over a deprecation.

Now here's the deal and you already help me with this. The turn around. What's the turn? The generalized

Are you really resembling yourself, your wife, or your stepson in this situation?

We really know

scores it all in BIOS.

The turn around with any well written inventory puts ourselves or God back in the first column. God didn't fix you, so you're an asshole. You hurt me, so I'm mad at you, but I'm really mad at God. Because if God fits you right, he wouldn't be an asshole.

Or I'm at it myself because I'm letting you bother me.

So ultimately that the turnaround is, is who am I really pissed off at? Am I pissed off at myself for having the resentment in the 1st place or not being able to let go of this specific situation or or the beliefs that I have regarding it? I'm I'm mad at God for not fixing everybody in such a way so that I don't have to be resentful.

Am I mad at the at the individual that's truly in the first column,

or am I mad at the individual who's in peripherally involved based on the decisions of the person in the first color? So the truth is that you're actually married.

Because if God fixed your wife or fixed your stepson, you'd have a seat at the table or this wouldn't feel like you didn't. And if God fixed you,

you wouldn't feel this way.

Well, I'm not related to that at all. I know it's hard. I'm not getting that because I'm not adding. I'm not seeing how adding God in makes that work.

Well, it makes it work in this is in most of our resentments. We think we're we're pissed off the situation or hurt, interfered with with this situation. But when you've done enough work, we still have to write the inventory through to come back around to this point. We realize what are we doing? Where is our dishonesty? Is it in playing God? Yes. Right. Yeah. So if Michael Sauna sees him playing God, then I'm telling God he's not doing a good job.

So the truth is, is I'm unhappy with God's handiwork. Whatever. I'm resentful. I think. I think I play God. Exactly. That's the deal

exactly. So a lot of example, Michael Soski is that I know better because I'm God,

we morph through the 4th column. What's my mistake? What was that? Have we morphed into the 4th column? We're almost there. What's my mistake? We're almost there, but there's the turnaround. And so the turnaround is two things

either, and here's The thing is where have I done this behavior? So we kind of looked at this and we said that there are a handful of people in this resentment that are attached to this resentment. Yourself, your wife and your stepson. OK,

so where have you enabled?

Have you ever have I ever enabled people? Oh God, yes.

So we're kind of a bit of a hypocrite, right? What I do

come up a little, this is the turn on. This is where we're going went into this forefather because this is a good place to kind of sit and set. Let me get off because my thing is I I'm allowed to do it because I know my motives.

I said, you know, I talked this morning. I said we all judge our S fire motives, that people judge us by their actions, right? So I feel entirely justified with whatever assigned crap I come up with because it's my asinine crap and it makes sense to me and I tell myself a story to make it alright. So there's healthy enabling and unable enabling or enabling. I thought I was doing the right thing. So does she. And there it is. There's the cross, the turn around is where I look and said where do I engage in this behavior?

Where have I done this? Both sides.

The stepson in the basement eating Doritos, playing at Fox doing nothing.

Or the person who's enabling, the person who's doing nothing.

Most of the time I've worn that show at least once, maybe not to the magnitude of the individual that I'm inventory

what I have.

And that's the turn around. That's what I said is that inevitably when we do this, after the 4th column, we come back and we look at the second column first and 2nd column, at some point, I, I usually end up being the person that I'm reasonable with. So we're making the sick man prayer come alive. Exactly. That's exactly what we're doing. Yeah, that's OK. We're coming right back around. So though he made me sick and I don't like how it disturbs us and we're doing it. Really. That's exactly what we're doing. So we're getting here and saying, what's the turn around? The turn around,

I don't know. And So what we do is we write out like, give me a circumstance and an idea or a time like when I got the sick man prayers, everything in Step 4 where I realized that they're perhaps like, yeah, perhaps he's spiritually sick, though I do not like how it affected me. I like him sick too. Right. So then we say that prayer and that prayer. Who here says that between the 3rd and 4th column of their inventory every time?

I love you guys because I, you know, I've heard and I've heard people tell me they're like, oh, I had to say that prayer once,

really. And then I hear the forefathom like, yeah, you should have said that, right? So we, we, we do, we say the sick man prayer and it and of course it is found on page 66 to 67.

Thank you for your correction, Mike.

So it says this is our course. We read that. We realized the people who were on this work perhaps spiritually sick, though we didn't like their symptoms and the way that they disturbed this. They, like themselves, were sick too.

So there's a question, how am I sick like that? How have I taken actions, attitudes, ideas? How have I behaved in a way that is similar? Because you know what? Think about this

is the people that often drive us crazier than people who are most like us because they they embody the things about ourselves that we don't particularly like.

I have a kind of compassion for people who are different. I truly do, you know, because because you know it it I can when I can identify with your motives. And I've been and I've worn that shoe. I start feeling that some kind of way about me and I know I'm looking in the mirror and I don't like that. And so I have to put it out on you

because I can't feel that unhappiness with me. I didn't feel OK with me because my my instincts just told me. My ambitions is I have to feel virtuous. My personal relationship say I have to be the most awesome one in the house. My self esteem says I must always feel good about myself. My sex relations say that I must be the alpha male,

So what happens around female? So what happens is when those things are hurt, threatened or interfered with and I'm confronted with the fact that I am absolutely know those things. Am I mad at you for making me feel that way? Or am I disappointed with myself because I'm seeing who I really am instead of the story I tell myself about Hawaii?

That's a really uncomfortable place to be

because I'm looking over here and not looking here. So most of us when we kind of look at this and realize that, you know, I'm looking at my spiritual mirror and said we got we asked God to help us to show them the same tolerance, pity and patience. We cheer for the grants of friends when the person offended, we say to ourselves, this is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me for being honest with you. I will not mind. You don't. He doesn't say God fiction without you. Stop pissing me off. But that's really what we do.

You know, I would be more virtuous if you were better.

So what I'm really saying is you need to change for me to be better. Now, I don't realize I'm saying that. I don't realize that the belief system or the agreement I have, but that's the agreement I'm making with you is don't annoy me and I'll behave

if you annoy me. It would make me feel like I'm less dead, but then I'm going to snap in your heels like a little 2 hour ago, right?

I'm a shelf seeker even when I'm trying to be kind. I just wanted to be a happy family. Exactly,

you know, I just want him to grow up in be successful.

Exactly. But being somebody but but telling somebody that that that you know, and that's The thing is if we my definition of success and your definition is his definition of success are very different thing.

And when I'm enclosing my ideas, honey, what am I doing

exactly? Playing God, being dishonest. I'm happy. Spiritual arrogance, spiritual pride. I'm a very spiritual being. And I know what's the best for you, Derek. So I'm going to tell you and then I'm going to reach out and make a deal.

And that, and that's the pride of us, right? The thinking, I know what's best for you. I don't even know what's best for me. We established that

what's best for you is not causing me trouble exactly because you caused me trouble and make me misbehave because I give you my power, because my power is on you and not on God.

So then it says we avoid retaliation or argument. We would treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take kindly intolerant view. Notice it's kindly intolerant view sometimes. And I disagree that. And I thought that it meant that I have to like everybody

and that I have to be nice to everybody and I have to be absurd to everybody. I said some people, you can't take it kindly and power you. Have any of you guys had the impulse to pet a porcupine?

You ever want to lick a light socket?

Why, Yeah. So you ever have one of those people who is an emotional spiritual porcupine and you keep going up and trying to hug him and make them habitable? I will take you with my love because I am so spiritual. I will turn your ass of the whole degree around and make them awesome.

That's pretty arrogant on my part.

I'll turn your your misbehavior around and make you like me. Or at least I will habituate you to being at least not peeing on my road, Right? So

you have a vision for that?

Yeah,

so sometimes it's taking kindly intolerant view, meaning that I need to remove myself from the situation or relationship and gave perspective.

That's why it says that says I can I be helpful? How if I can I take that step back. So I have that statement. I love it, but I love you from over here. I'm going to stop trying to make you be what I want you to be so that I can be comfortable being around you. If I can't be comfortable being around you because there's really, truly something in you that is dangerous to me or toxic to me, it is OK for me to say, you know

that's OK. Let me go over here because that resentment of me trying to enforce change you so that I can be comfortable

is what continually causes harm. There are some people like, are you going to invite the local pedophile home for dinners and let them bounce your kids underneath? No, we're not going to do that. We take it kindly and tolerant view over here with your kids. You know, real tight, right? Same idea.

So when we do that, when we say this prayer,

we take a quiet moment, right? Or two or ten, depending on the depth of this resentment. And this is what we do. So what characters? After looking at this extended third column, what characters show up?

Like who? What characters

Think about it this way,

There was a perfect cast of characters in your Plex. Think of this resentment as being a script that I wrote, a play that I wrote, right? We're using the actor now. We might be kind of virtuous, we might be lean or egotistical, depending on what we think we're going to get out of the moment.

Who or what character, what after is shown up in this resentment? It's horrible, right? Well, there's there's as many as you want.

So who do you think is showing up?

Spiritual Dad.

We always counsel

that. What was that AA?

Who else is showing up?

Say 18 year old self. Thank you. So we'll say a bad boy,

scared kid. Thank you.

Scared, jealous of jealous has been scared to at work.

I know

what else is showing up here. What about the provider? I work my high knee off

and I provide for this family

and I feel like I feel like it's not being appreciated.

The provider, right?

Where's a part of this that

I look at most of this kind of stuff relationally and I and I and I look at them as challenges. So,

you know, I go out and I first just try not to act badly in the, in the circumstance or situation I could get the hell out. I, I, I made sure that I love you from here.

And then I go do this

and, and I, I then can come back with,

with something that makes a little more sense than what it did in the moment from the presentment that exists as we describe. Is that a problem solver? Is that what? What is that

problem solved?

God, right? Because you know what's best for Him.

Carry on. What was that?

Ah, warrior. Warrior mom. So he's a worried mom as well as a person. Oh, I'm sorry. What's up in the play? These are your roles. Well, these are all mine. These are all your best characters that are showing up for you. Oh, for me. So think about this is the provider,

right?

These are these, but think of this as being like, this is the cast of characters that shows up in this play, this play that you wrote, right? And mom is playing a role, step sons playing a role, you're playing a role, God's playing a role. Everybody's playing this role. Now part of what I need to do is recognize what cast the characters is coming up for me, because I guarantee you that these guys show up somewhere else in your life.

These these this cast of characters that this cast characters would probably show up in 85% of our resentments. Women we have seen her, we have the vixen, we have the perfect mom, we have Superwoman, we have like awesome employee. We have, you know, virtuous Boss, virtuous Woman, we have, we have these characters. And what happens is when I start getting teed off, when I start having that resentment, when I start having that rumbly thing in my tummy, one of these guys is coming, coming to the light.

And what helps is it's sort of like a shorthand for 10 step. I can recognize this character or this, this role that I play or this belief system. I have the belief system for the provider. We talked about that, right? That's, that's your pocketbook,

spiritual dad, that's your ambitions, alpha. That's sex relations, personal relations and ambitions. Virtuous man ambitions, sex relations, personal relations, bad boy. You kind of see what I'm laying down here. So these are so when you think about it, say that this is my third column and this is the story I tell myself in the third column and the people who show up because of that story, the roles that play in my relationship because of that story

is making sense to you.

So these characters kind of speak in your third column.

So it's a really good and it's silly and it's fun. It's a fun way to do inventory. But what it does is it helps me to see like, Hey, you know what? Miss a a or my sponsor calls at the bleeding Deacon shows up my Home group when they're not doing the the business meeting run right. The spiritual warrior shows up when somebody has the nerve to talk to one of my sponsors in their mind. The hostage taker happens when I make prank phone calls at people with 13 step responses.

I have lost 16. And so I kind of look at this and say it's a kind of a shorthand or a quick way to kind of get to the crux of the knife, which is my 4th column. And the belief systems are fears that I have associated with that. So when we kind of go back to this third problem, right, We said, what's the biggest fear you have in regards to this?

It creates a way between my wife and I and my sex and personal relationship relations with my wife,

so that your relationship, your marriage will suffer. Yes. Who's my marriage?

What else?

What's going to happen with your stepson?

Turn out like you won't be sick

the relationship think you'll have

when when he leaves the house, you know he's going to grow up and leave and you have an opportunity for a new relationship, deeper relationship with your wife. I'm afraid that's not going to happen.