The Ultimate Weekend in Morgantown, IN

Hi, I'm Carrie. I'm an alcoholic.

I want to start off with thanking you for allowing me to participate in your weekend. I want to thank Mike for inviting me. I'm sure he lobbied. And I'm really grateful to be a part of this. You know, of course, Gary, you know, in terms of, you know, no pressure here, gave me a list of the alumni of this weekend and I kind of checked off and said, OK, hero, hero, hero, hero, grand sponsor, grand sponsor, hero. And I'm going, oh, great, this is great. You know,

a foul mouthed brat from New Jersey.

It's sitting here in the seat talking to you all about the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and God. And I'm thinking like the world is a really strange place and God has an incredible sense of humor because somebody like me doesn't get to do something like this. Somebody like me, you know, gets thrown out of places like this. I mean, I have tried on multiplications that broke me out of Alcohol Anonymous in certain areas. I am banned from certain women's meetings in my area. I told that whole story

and not not

because I make you know, and I am,

I am a member of alcoholism good standing, and I'm very grateful to say that. But what I would like to do before we start on this thing is you may be able to start with a prayer. I think it's really important for us to invite God into this weekend because quite frankly, if God's not here, this weekend's going to suck for you and it's going to suck for me. Because when when we're not hearing the fellowship of the Spirit, we're here with our sickness.

And I have a progressive spiritual illness that shows up when I don't want it to. And so I need to acknowledge the power of God, and that power of God exists inside of all of us. It's not that it goes away. It's not that God disappears or we get unhooked, that I fall asleep to the fact that God dwells within me. So I want to take a minute if we can't just get quiet

to get into that center, to get into that place where where that divine exists in each one of us.

God, please help us to set aside everything we think we know about ourselves, the 12 steps, the program, and in spiritual terms especially you got please open our hearts and our minds so that we can see the truth about ourselves and move closer to you.

And it's always good to start the set aside prayer

I was in denial about this weekend. I did not.

Kerry, if you could speak a little slower, I'm cold.

People have been telling me to speak slower for 39 years. I will try.

I'm a motor mouth from New Jersey, but I will attempt to speak slower.

Yeah. So, oh, I try not to think about what I was going to talk about this weekend because when I plan, usually I screw it up. So I I thought about and said probably the thing that's most salient to start off with is to tell you a little bit about who I am and how I got here.

My sobriety gate is September 6th, 1994. My Home group is a Way out Big Book study in Tannersville, PA, where there are bears

and

I have a typical alcoholic story. You know, I am one of five kids. My parents are not Alcoholics. Their parents are. I grew up. Out of five of us, four of us have darkened the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm the only one who has remained. My brother found spirituality through church. My other brother smokes crack on a regular basis

and my sister? Let's just say that CBS is her favorite place to go.

So I grew up with alcoholism, with ISM all through my life. And in fact, when it says in the big book that our alcoholic seems like life, seems like the only normal one, you know, that was really true for me. And I use that for a long time to justify and rationalize my behavior,

to explain why I was constitutionally incapable, and to mostly just blame other people for my choices and my decisions and my my alcoholism.

With that being said,

I got here when I was 13 years old. I have been in Alcoholics Anonymous

39. I just turned 39, so I've been here a really long time and I just celebrated 20 years in September. I spent five years dying in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, and I, and I wanted to make sure that I talked a little bit about that because I, I, I talked fast and I thought that the math a little bit. I am very passionate, passionate about Alcoholics noms. I'm very passionate about the 12 steps, very passionate about the grace of God. And there are times when

I can be a little too passionate. If you can be a little too passionate and offensive,

want to be offensive, and it's not at a malice. It's sometimes I get really frustrated when I look at what Alcoholics Anonymous has become. And sometimes I want to wait for joy when I look at what Alcoholics Anonymous has become. I got sober in an area where people did not own big books, and if they did, they were posters or they read the stories in the back of the book.

I got served in a place where people talked about, well, if I made amends, this is what would happen.

I got sober in a place where people were to four step, and that four step was based on what other people did to them and why it was OK. And this is if they wrote it. And most of the time it was a four step they wrote in their head, which I don't know how you can do that, but apparently there's some magical way that you can write a four step in your head

and somehow come to some truth with this and then go to a meeting and do a fist step from the podium. You know, where I got sober, people used to say I did a fist up. I'd do a first step every time I come here and I'm thinking that's what I want you to shut up every time.

So I'm a little fiery. I'm a little Irish, just a little Irish,

so I can be enthusiastic. If I offend you in any way, I apologize. I have been asking God,

I have a Jersey mouth. I have asked God for many, many, many many years to to help me clean up my language. He is doing it slowly but surely. You will hear a four letter word, but it will be few and far between. God willing it you won't at all. But if I don't, what I'll do is I'll spend the whole time telling myself not to say the F word. I'll say it all the time because if you don't think, don't think the word Penguin,

no, you're all thinking about Penguins, right? So if I spend this entire time saying don't say that word, it's going to come out of my mouth.

So if I come out, I apologize. You know, it's,

I sometimes just have a filthy mouth, but I'm, I'm working, I'm working on it. God's definitely removing this for me because everyone of the things I held on to, you know, it was like that. I'm still a street kid. You can't tame me. And I'm 39 years old with, you know, you know, higher education degrees and very good career and all this stuff. But it's like, you know, but I still see myself as being that, you know, 1516 year old Brett eating out of garbage cans and, you know, giving the finger to cops.

You know, that is so, you know, for me, that was all that was something that went

that really died hard. And I think part of it was coming into Outbox Anonymous so early and at such a young age, being the youngest person in the room, being the one where people were like Alan ONS down or Alateens down the hall. And I was like, I'm not here for Allentine. I'm here for AA. And then I get the old guy saying I drank, you know, I spilled more beer than he drank. And I would say, dude, obviously you're not doing it right. I spilled nothing. And if I do, I lick it up off the floor.

You know, I had this one guy used to call me a kindergarten crackhead. I love that. She's like, Oh, here comes the kindergarten crackheads,

you know, so so that that whole like, you know, rebel without a clue thing, that identity, that attachment,

it's definitely going, you know, I'm definitely a lady today. Just every once in a while, that rebel that that identity pops out now and again. So if she does, I apologize. Just give me a smack in the back of the head and I will go back to being God's care instead of being a brat.

So been in a since I was 13. I've also died not Galaxyn Thomas 3 * 1 of which I was actually dead for over 3 / 2 minutes. I have tried to kill myself while being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Six times

I have been on the flight deck while being a member of Alcohol Anonymous.

Four times I have been in nine rehabs. I have been a four point restraints. I have been in padded rooms

while being a member of Outbox Anonymous.

So when we talk about my enthusiasm and sometimes my what I like to call big book ninjaism,

it's because I've seen the best of Applex Anonymous and you all sitting here are the best of Outbox Anonymous and I have seen the worst of Alcohols Anonymous.

And today I like to participate in what I believe is the is the rebirth of epochs numbers. Now I was talking to Gary and I said, you know, well, first of all, he walked up on me and I I said, Oh, dear God. I said, Oh my God, because I thought he was, I expected him to be really old. Like I really expected like this, the crappy old man to wander up on me, right. And so he walks up all Sprite. I was like, you're not old.

Yeah,

that honesty thinks now it's not always the best. And he's like, I'm not God. I'm Gary

and we were, we were chit chatting, you know, and sometimes,

yeah. So I was talking and I said, you know, I came out here and was telling Mike I have a list of questions which I will at some point this weekend button hole one of the months expecting it'll probably be tomorrow during the free time of questions that people from my neck of the woods would like to ask some of these guys

now. So I'm all envious of you guys because you all get you all got to be a part of this and a part of this specific conference or weekend from from day one. You got to hear some of my heroes, some of the people that I have, you know,

some of the people who have changed me on a very fundamental level. And they got to be a part of your recovery that I got. They got to be a part of my recovery. I was very lucky where I got sober, you know, eventually where I wandered right and get what I where I wound up.

But on the other hand, you know, that generation of people who have that wisdom, they're diminishing and they're passing from this earth and God bless them, they are. So we, the people in this room, we are responsible for keeping that wisdom, that enthusiasm,

that spirit alive and furthering it. You know, we stop and say, OK, well, you know, I gotta like all I need. I don't need to learn anything more. And we're doing a disservice to Appleton on its own. So our job is to show up and be on the firing line of life, to carry this message, to be an example, to be the best version of the big book that anybody will ever read. You know, so we're all a part of this. And I have seen Apple OPS anonymous change in the past 20 years.

You know, I told you I got sober in a place where people didn't own big books, where when I asked my sponsor about a higher power, she gave me a rock which might in a drunken binge. I think I left it in my parents house and then she, my mom threw it away. So my mom threw away my higher power,

you know, You know, if your higher powers, a coffee cup, I'm going to pee in it because I got to prove to you that a higher power has to be a higher power by which you can live and it has to be a power grading yourself. And quite frankly, if I can void my bowels and your higher power, you need to get a new one.

I mean, I'm being cheeky, but on the other hand, let's think about that for a minute. You know? So when I got sober, people handed me an out of it objects and told me to turn my will on my life over the care of this inanimate object. And you know, I'm dying, I'm dead, I'm trying to kill myself every 5 minutes. You know, I'm in and out of flight decks, I'm 90 lbs, I'm completely malnourished, filthy, disgusting and lost. And you give me a rock and tell me it's going to fix my life

so that you know, I've seen Alcoholics Anonymous be that and I've seen Alcoholics Anonymous change to the point where somebody like me is invited to roundups and conferences. They don't even realize that I'm a big book. The speaker I just talked about God and they want to hear and think about that for a minute. I I was at headline speaker at Icky Pop. Now that's wicked cool on its own stuff, but Icky Pot invited a big book thumper.

A rabid foaming at the mouth

being books number to be there Friday night speaker

Alcoholics Anonymous has changed because that would never have happened 20 years ago. We went to Icky pot to

fornicate. Mostly

it would be like who came back from icky pie with STD, you know,

you know, and and mind you, you know, a couple years ago

on their Friday night. Speaker That is a tremendous change in Alcoholics Anonymous. And that's because the people sitting in this room, because you all are here and because we leave here and we do what we do. So I want to thank you. So I'm an alcoholic. I drink when I drink. I can't control how much I drink when I'm not drinking. I don't like nothing.

I'm an irritable, restless and discontent. I qualify for being an alcoholic. Do you know how long I have been an Alcohol's Anonymous before I was actually qualified

to be an alcoholic? I was 20 years old. I've been an alcoholic seven years. And it was actually a guy from California who did it. You know,

for me, the most salient thing or the most important thing that I need to do

as an alcoholic, I've recovered alcohol, meaning I'm recovered from a homeless state of mind and body, is to broaden and deepen my experience with higher power. You know, I'm going to talk about the steps and the way that I'm going to talk about them. And what we're going to do here is I'm going to talk about it at multiple levels now. I said that I was a very lucky woman and I'm a very blessed woman. I have had some of the best sponsors in the world. I have

had some of the best guidance in the world. I've had the opportunity to go through the steps many, many, many, many different ways and many different formulations. And that itself is incredibly awesome. You know, because somebody pointed something out to me a long time ago and and it actually says it in our book. It talks about an agnostic. It talks about having an open mind, right? It talks, it says, you know, that we're willing and human concerns with technology, you know, to have it open mind and trying to gadget a new idea. But you know, when it comes,

you're just up. We're like, no, no new information, right? But think about this is how many times did you drink a beer that had a cigarette in it? How many times did you pull a cigarette butt out of a beer? Nobody saw that and drink it. How many times did you consider whether or not you would be able to get the entire bottle of scope down your throat before you threw it up?

And whether your bottle would be green or blue, right?

You know, we're not discriminating when it comes to our drinking, are we? And that's kind of what I'm pointing out here. I was that kind of alcoholic. I was not a high class wine drinking alcoholic. I was a drink, the drinks of the bottle, whatever I can get, whatever. I cannot be here right now. I need alcohol in my body because more than anything else, I do not

not want to be carried. And the only thing that made me not caring was putting alcohol in my body.

Now, I was not discriminating quite any way, shape or form. I had drank drive dry vermouth. I have drank Creme de Mint from the little, you know, little tiny ball that you get for Christmas. My mother had a stash of them. I found them. It's not pleasant when you throw that up, by the way, Not at all. I have funneled Everclear,

but you give me a new version of the four step and I'm going or like change the columns a little bit,

change around the questions or ask me to consider something or ask me to do this specific prayer or ask me to do the spiritual exercise. And I say no,

I do not want the effect produced by that.

So

what was challenged to me and that why we started with the set aside prayer was for me to be as open minded on spiritual matters as I am on other things.

And when and when I at times balked on certain things, my sponsor tell me to put a bottle next to my big book and ask myself which is easier die an alcoholic death or live in a spiritual basis. Now that's an intellectual concept, right? I mean, I can say God alcoholic death or live in a spiritual basis.

Put that bottle next to your book like literally buy an air clean bottle of alcohol, put it next to your big book and feel the power that that alcohol has over you when you are in this state of illness. When you were blocked off from God. I had a sponsor you do that once she said that she felt like it followed her around the house that she'd be up. She had it in her kitchen table and she was walking on a men's but the airplane bottle of Jack Daniels next to her big bug. She said she felt it pulsing

from the table up through the up through the ceiling, through the floor of her bedroom and into her bed. She said she felt it, that power of alcohol.

She also made the amends within 24 hours of putting that bottle on her table. Because sometimes having that palatable experience, that pull, because when I'm in that self will, when I'm in that spot, you know, when I'm removed, I think I'm fine. But when it's when I'm looking at dead in the eye,

we're powerless. Now, it doesn't mean that I'm hopeless and it doesn't mean I can't get access to power. But I don't know when I'm locked off.

Don't I can fall asleep dreaming. I'm awake any given moment of the day. You know, I go on autopilot and all of a sudden I'm blocked off from God and I don't see it because I still think I'm fine until I get that thing in the pit of my gut or somebody says, Carrie, what's wrong with you? You look like you're off. What's up with you? And I got to stop and go.

Yeah, what is,

you know, there's an old Oxford group saying that, saying the light of God shines better through to light do than two windows, than one, meaning that you all are my spiritual mirror, the people in my life and my spiritual mirrors, my children are my spiritual mirror, my husbands, my spiritual mirror. But they reflect that to me, what's truly going on inside of me.

So there are times when I can fall asleep. We're all capable of doing it. It's the grace of God that allows us to wake back up.

So

what I'd really like for us to do is to have this experience together. I want to know, what is it that you really want to work on? What is it that you really want to look at? Where are we stuck as a community, as a group? So if there's something or some aspect of this process as we're going through it that you really want to know about, raise your hand,

shout something out, you know, pull me aside and we'll, we'll do this as will allow the light of God to shine through all of us so we can all be illuminated right here, right now and walk out of here with elevated spirits in the sense of wholeness. You know,

there's a little bit about mink. It's a little bit about my experience.

When, When,

when I think about when we talk about the first step, I'm going to talk about it from the newcomer perspective of what what being an alcoholic really means. And then we're going to talk about it from the falling asleep. And I'm a weak perspective,

meaning like what is where my agnostic systems, where where is my unmanageability? Where is that showing up? So because The thing is, is like, you know, I could think I have it all managed. And then all of a sudden I wake up and I realized that I had I called Mike a couple like I was about a year ago losing my stuff about my job with nickel like nine months ago, 10 months ago, something like that. He was in my stuff about my job. And I'm like, I can't get

and I'm going on. He's so patient and I need to listen, you know, and I'm ranting. And then he stops and he gives me one simple suggestion that has absolutely changed my life.

Something so simple, so reasonable and logical. But when I'm in and I can't see it.

So we all have areas in our life that are like that. There's no perfect person here. That is not what it means to be recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. And,

and I think for a long time I thought that was the case. I thought that in order to be that or to be a speaker, to sit in this chair, you have to be perfect.

And I think that's a delusion, you know, because I have yet to meet a perfect person. Sorry there.

What I have met is people who have a little bit more experience than myself,

but we all have something to share. We all have something to bring to this table.

So I told you I died knock off synonymous. I told you that Alcohol's Anonymous that I grew up in was an alcoholic synonymous. That was not alcoholic synonymous.

It was therapy. It was rehab stuff. It was watered down and use that phrase.

I I love a friend who who calls it, he said. He said that it is. Well, there's two words he uses, dark or two phrases, dark tunnel and oral tradition, Alcohol Anonymous.

What I look at it is this is, you know, again, how do you know what you don't know? There's a bunch of people who were trying to recover from an illness without any instructions

in mind. If you want to hide anything from an alcoholic to put it in the big book need reading that

it's hard. Bill was a terrible writer. Sorry, he was he did not ever hear of a semi colon. You ever read like there's sentences in the big book that last three paragraphs and you're thinking, Bill, you really like? Have you ever heard of a period, a cop semi colon? Have you ever heard of a conditional clause?

Bill was a product of his time. Bill was a county who grew up looking at the rich kids who wanted to be one of them, wanted to sound like one of them, you know. And so when he wrote this book, he wanted to, he wanted us to think that he was a Rockefeller. Unfortunately, Rockefellers know how to use cows

and don't say things like boiled as now

I look that up, by the way, it means drunk. But still, you know, like he Bill used some antiquated language. So when when I first was introduced to this book and I read it one, I said, well, if you can't write a book that is grammatically correct with my 9th grade education, by the way,

then I will not read it. I will not read a literature until it appears the way it should.

Includes, that's part of the reason why I died while being

so. And I think, I think that there was a sense of snobbery. And what's really weird is, you know, I grew up with Montclair, NJ You know, one of the first real Alcoholics Anonymous meetings was in Montclair, NJ. Do you know that that the book and the program of alcohol synonymous was named in a meeting in Montclair, NJ. The big book was written a mile and a half from where I grew up. Yeah. Gosh darn sad that is,

but I grew up in an area with a big book was written, yet

read it, look at it, nor touch it. If we could

think about that, that's really gosh on set.

The founder? Co-founder.

I had an office a mile and a half from my house where I grew up,

yet we didn't read the big book. We didn't need it because we had Prozac

rehabs and and I'm not here to trash those things. I mean, I'll out myself right now. I'm a therapist. Like I don't have a problem with that. But I'm not here as a therapist. I'm here as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.

And I asked myself, because every once in a while I code switch and sometimes she just used a therapeutic term and I'm like, oh, I forgot. I'm not running group. I'm in that yet. But, you know, we really lost our way in my area, you know, and when you kind of think about that and say that the big book was born

where I grew up, where I got sober. And one of my first meetings was one of the first meetings of Alcohols Anonymous after,

you know, Clarence, you know, presentment in this coffee pot, you know, because I guess was meeting #2

and yet the AA in my area was not. Because the program of Alcoxomes and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous are two very different things.

This is fellowship.

We're not all of us sitting in this room. This is fellowship.

I'm practicing my 12th step

because I'm carrying a message. You're listening, so you're practicing your 12 step. You're also practicing your first step. I'm talking about my experience with alcohol. So I'm also practicing my first day when we walk out of here and I put my hand out to you and you ask me a question or I ask you a question.

We're practicing some steps. But in general, I think a lot of times we missed or I missed or I was taught that the program was just showing up. It was 90 dances in 90 days. I dated every guy in my Home group.

I was pretty sure if I slept my way through my Home group I would figure out how to stay sober.

I made a lot of coffee.

I lied a lot too.

Because here's the thing, it's like I'm not gonna come here and tell you the truth about myself because then you would actually know me. So I had to make stuff up in order to. But don't you know the person in the meeting who has the biggest problem is the winner today, right? Because the idea is, if I present this terrible problem, yet I'm this long-suffering spiritual person who still keeps coming back

because meeting makers make it

right. So I come and I present.

It's a horrible atrocity that did not happen to me that I probably saw on daytime TV

or Beverly Hills 90210. And I

it on the table and then everybody goes around the room and tells me about how strong I am because you know what? Just don't drink. Meeting makers make it let go and let God. How do you let go? Oh my God, guys, like seriously, we see this stuff. By the way, those are slogans. They only make sense if you actually work the steps. And we rip them off from Al Anon.

They are found in the Al Anon chapters of the book. Did you ever notice that? Like you know why? Like, you know, up until

to the wives and family afterward, there are no slogans. And then to the wives and family afterward, they start popping off the slogans because those are slogans given to the people who have to deal with us. One day at a time

tells me, you know, dine alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis. Nowhere does it tell me, oh you poor thing. Just one day at a time.

So those are athletes who love alcohol. Rip it off all the time. Go to Alanon. Big proponent of Al Anon.

Don't apply to me when I'm sitting in this chair, you know, So the biggest, the person with the coolest story, right, gets to be the winner today. And then of course, this one I love, which is whoever woke up earliest in the mornings is the winner. So I would lie.

I slept to noon, but I would tell you I was up at 6:00 in the morning and this work I was most sober. I would lie about how how early I woke up so that I could feel more important,

so I can feel special,

you know, and you work these steps and you find out you're a child of God. And there's no need to rationalize, justifier, even crow about who I am because it comes from within. And all of a sudden, all of those things that I used to do just said seemed so crazy. And I would think, and now I look back and I see, I see, I see myself in like the newcomers who come to the meetings and I just laugh, you know, like the ones who raise their hand and they just spit out

like that one with 30 days, who's going to tell the guy was 16 years, his wife just died. What he needs to do in order for an order for him to stay sober.

And I'm thinking like, that's so cute,

you know, but this is this is the alcohol synonymous. I got sobering. So me being a hopeless alcoholic, me being somebody who puts alcohol in my body despite the negative consequences, me being somebody who once I start drinking, I can't stop. Me being somebody who would walk into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and drink in the bathroom because

I couldn't be here

and have you seen me or interact with you without alcohol in my body.

I was a person who would say that I would not drink before I went to a meeting and would be drunk before I got there. Because lack of power is my dilemma, man. And that lack of power let the inability to make what I know in my mind is right manifest in my actions. That's the lack of power that we're talking about. Now. We have that lack of power. If you're an alcoholic, you have that lack of power of alcohol. If you're an alcoholic of the hopeless variety, you have that lack of power,

alcoholism, and that lack of power in terms of your morals, in terms of your philosophical convictions.

So what our job with the spiritual awakening is all about is about reconnecting my head to my heart

and making it so that the things that I know to be right can actually come out and be translated into my actions on a daily basis.

So

I was two years sober when I was introduced to the big book of Alcohol Anonymous. I wish I had. I wish I had from the second I hit the door, you know, had this experience. I wish I didn't have to die in alcoholic death for two years and Alcoholics Anonymous.

I wish I didn't have to suffer that

and I wish that nobody ever has to suffer not being able to drink and not being able to live 'cause that is a terrible place to be.

So I was two years sober. Um,

I met my husband in Alcohol Anonymous. We, we got we, he was coming off a Bender. I was abusing an outside issue celebrating clean time

because at a certain point I just gave up. I just said, you know, I won't drink, but I'll do all the other stuff and this is AI, so I'll just celebrate.

Yeah. So he he was coming off a Bender. I was 17. He was 25.

What he had said to me when he met me. Well, first of all, I sat down next to him. My sponsor pulled me away. By your ear. It's not my ear. I fired her.

She was a good lady too. And two things he said to me that made me say even this man's keeper. First of all, he said I just got off parole.

And then he said, my husband, he's from Northern California.

They're weird up there. Yeah. Yeah. So he said that. He said, you know what? I really like you Carrie, but I ate 3 sheets of acid one night

and I'm not really sure like even if I'm in New Jersey I could be in a mental asylum. Whether California,

but if if you are not a hallucination and I'm not still tripping, I'd really like that.

This is a keeper, man.

Now, mind you, my family, my parents. My parents are wonderful human beings. They really are. My mother's at a Eucharistic minister. My dad is not sure in the church. I was raised in a very strict, very religious household.

So naturally I became a devil worshiper,

you know, but but I think my mom at certain points probably thought I did like when I started coming home with the, you know, the spiked hair and the stuff in my face and the tattoos. And, you know, I'm pretty sure she was, you know, looking for 6/6, 6:00 somewhere on.

But so my parents were very have a lot of values. They were very religious, very lovely human beings. They do not drink alcoholically.

I they don't they, they just,

they're just people they just happen to give birth to for Satan's bond. And my sister Maureen, who is not an alcoholic, she's she's an hour on, she's a raging Al Anon. She's the one who says, says Kerry, can you detox my son off a heroin? And then I'll just and then I'll just give him money, you know, just every other day,

you know, and I I have dragged her to al Anon I I've actually tricked her once. I was I was doing a conference in Windsor, ON.

I told her it was at this like palatial like like kind of like like resort. I was thinking beautiful, really awesome, but it was not. And I and, and I dragged her there, told her that we were gonna go gambling and stuffed. And instead I made her sit now and on meetings,

she was not happy. The 12 hour car ride home told me so. But, but she, you know, she says things like, you know, like I'm feeling this one, you know, or, you know, I went on a cruise with my two sisters and my sister Maureen, like had this bottle of wine that she smuggled. Yeah, because we're still criminals. I mean, like, just 'cause she's not an alcoholic doesn't mean that she's not shady, you know?

You know, like she's not paying duties on this stuff. So like somehow she I don't worship with the wine.

I don't really want to ask. I certainly didn't want to touch the bottle when it was sitting there. Not because it's wine, because I wouldn't know where it was.

So somehow she managed to get this wine on the ship

and, you know, and it was sitting, sitting on the bedside table. Now I have recovered alcoholic from, you know, and that wine was like it was like having bleach. It was inert to me, certainly not something I wanted to put in my body. And so she's, she's sitting there and she goes, you know, she's it's, I see it like not moving

like the cork is in it, you know, like I see her not drinking it. And I'm thinking, you went through all that trouble putting wine in places where wine should never be. So you didn't have to pay for it or pay the tax on it to just let it sit there. It just seemed completely ridiculous. And I asked her about it and she's like, well, I only want it and I want to unwind every once in a while. I don't want it. And I thought,

how are you related to me?

I mean, I was just at my my uncle's 80th birthday party and my brother stole $20 out of my purse to buy crap. That I can understand,

you know, but the but the sister who left wine sit on the table because she couldn't be bothered to drink it

cares if you do. I mean like seriously injected, I don't know. There's something to it. Just don't leave it there. It seems abusive on like, you know, I just I don't get her and she doesn't get me. She did you know, wine was bad. She told me that

apparently it turns into vinegar. I didn't know that.

I mean, frankly, I think that one I drank probably was vinegar. I mean, I don't think Boone's farm, I think that was pretty close to being vinegar or something. But like, so my sister has a very different relationship with alcohol than I do, you know, so in in my family and with my parents, they have a very similar relationship to my sister. So they really didn't get me at all. I mean, I'm pretty sure my parents did an exorcism.

I'm sure they did. I'm, I'm absolutely sure at some point I was passed out in bed and my mom dragged the local priest in there to try and get the demons out of me because she could not understand why her beautiful, sweet daughter would do the horrible things that I do

or that I did today. She knows that I'm an alcoholic, you know, and today I've made amends for those things. And today she's actually with my children right now at my son's concert while I'm here and tells you a little bit about how Alcoholics Anonymous rebuilds families.

But I'm an alcoholic of the hopeless variety, you know, so I have a mind that obsesses on it. I have a body that craves it. The craving is in the body, not in the mind. You know, we, a lot of times we hear that and it always drives me crazy when people say I'm craving alcohol and it's like, when was the last time you drank 6 months ago? I'm like a knot craving.

You're falling. You know, you have the mental obsession. You have alcoholic thinking. Now we can diagnose alcoholic thinking, man. That's when we know that we've fallen asleep dreaming that we're awake right when we got that alcoholic thinking. Now, if you're clean or sober for a period of time, your alcoholic thinking isn't going to be about alcohol. It's going to be about them

or her

or him or it, you know, because alcohol doesn't come to us

in bottles anymore. It comes to us in the back door. You know it. We have to do some work in order to disengage ourselves from the spiritual practices that we have in order for us to put alcohol back in the body,

you know, So for us, it comes to us in human form and it comes to us in human powers, and then it comes to us in the bottle.

So alcoholic thinking can be a lot of different things. And I really want to talk about that this weekend. I want us to really see like, where is that showing up in my life? And it is, and it will because you're an alcoholic, you know, if you're sitting here and you're an alcoholic, alcoholic thinking is going to show up. But I have a higher power and I love that. It tells me that God doesn't make too hard terms with those who seek him. I thought the first time I made a mistake in Apple's name is the first time I fell off of being the first time I had, you know,