The Outpost's quarterly speaker event in Ingram, TX

I try and do that. I was I was going to open up with a joke. I'm not very good at jokes so I looked all around for the perfect joke and I found a joke about a guy in an AA meeting that couldn't tell a joke. A problem was I kept messing it up. So I'm just going to pass on that.

I have a dry sense of humor, but

I've told my story quite a few times. I started off telling my story, I guess like most people do, going into the drunk log of all the drinking and using inside dishes that I did. And and then it took me 3 1/2 years to get sober. So for quite a while, what I would do is I would talk about all the things that I did wrong, you know, because there were quite a few of them and I finally got this thing right. Tonight I'm going to try something a little different. I'm going to try and talk about some of the great events that have come to pass for me since I've been

trudging the road of happy destiny because miracles have really taken place in my life. And if you're new here, I think you need to know that

I was born in Akron, OH of all places.

Might have seen me coming, who knows? My parents were divorced when I was about age 5, and eventually my mother got remarried to my stepfather, who was an alcoholic, and we moved around a lot because of his job.

And I'm gonna try and cover chronologically a lot of this stuff pretty fast. Some of it affects my story.

We moved around a lot, trailer parks, because he would work on these AT&T towers and he'd work on one until they finished it, and then they'd move a little bit. So he would move us to a location maybe 80 miles up the road from the first tower they were working on. Within six months, we'd move. Now, I had a lot of resentment over that as I got older, because every time I'd start to make friends, you know, it was time to move on. I never had a girlfriend because by the time I got to know everybody, it was time to move on.

Was always picked on because I was the new kid on the block. Plus I was probably the youngest person in my class, which put me at a little disadvantage. Disadvantage there. But really I was pretty much a a good kid, straight A student. I got my relief at school.

That's where I got my kudos. You know, I would go to school and I could, you know, it came easy for me. And when I came home and I was told to go to my room and study, there was nothing I would rather do than than get off in my room, shut the door and and study. There was a lot of chaos in our house.

Umm, eventually, uh, we wound up settling down in Illinois. Umm, my mother started working for a bookkeeping business. Umm, I got involved in judo and umm, became a, got third in the nationals within a couple of years and got on the wrestling team. Umm, I think it was my freshman year of high school with a buddy of mine on the wrestling team. I, I have my first drink of alcohol, my first real drink of alcohol

and I decided to spend the night at his house, went over there and he had

a six pack of Schlitz malt liquor and a full pint of cherry Sloane. And we started drinking a little out of each one and couldn't figure out which one to drink first. So I got the bright idea we'd get a gallon jar and just mix it up and chugged it down in less than 1/2 an hour and headed off to the high school. And by the time we before we got to the high school, we run into some people

I've gotten in a fight, which I believe I won.

I talked to some seniors, some senior girls, which I could never talk to girls before that, but I was talking to them and, and I wasn't embarrassed. You know, all that feeling of being different, of not fitting in had gone away. And I, I felt OK. I mean, I even felt OK as I was throwing up on my shoes. You know, I woke up there the next morning

butt naked because I, you know, literally ruined all the clothes that I had on that they were downstairs in the dryer. And I, you know, they went down and got my clothes and I got dressed and I went to school and I had the worst hangover I that you could ever imagine. Every step I took,

my head just pounded and I go to the water fountain because I was dehydrated and I would take a drink and I could taste that cherry slow gin

and it was just, it was just awful. I thought I will never do this again. Never not going to put myself through a worst I'd ever felt. And I can remember this odd feeling. I'd probably second break. I was walking down the hallway. I just got in another drink of water and I looked up from the water fountain and coming down the hall where a couple of guys on the wrestling team and as they approached, I left the water fountain and I went to them and I said, what are you all doing this weekend? Are you going to be partying?

And I thought that was really strange, that I could be feeling that bad and want to do it again.

From there I was off to the races and with two wigs. Within two weeks, I was drinking to oblivion because that's how I drank.

I did not.

Once I started drinking, I didn't quit.

Talk about the compulsion of the phenomenon of craving. I didn't know anything about that. You know, I didn't think I was an alcoholic when I got here. I didn't have a phenomenon of craving. You know, I just, when I started drinking, I always was having too much fun to quit and I would overdo it. And

I started seeing myself like my stepfather, though, who was a raging alcoholic because I was getting in a fight. So I was getting into all kinds of trouble

and it's kind of hard to defend yourself when you're falling down drunk. And so I found some side dishes to do that. Basically, I used drugs, a lot of drugs to control my alcoholism because once I put alcohol in my body, if I didn't have anything else in there, I was I was doomed to, to oblivion.

I didn't want to be like my stepfather. So that was sort of the

oncoming of the hippie days. I grew my hair down to here and I was doing psychedelics and hanging out with hippies and I wasn't like him. He was an alcoholic. I was whatever I was, but I wasn't like him.

I eventually dropped out of high school

within a year and a half. I guess I've I've taken my first drink. I I dropped out of high school. I was just totally out of there.

This judo thing that I've been involved in, I had been given the opportunity to go to Japan to study at Dakota Con, and I passed that up and jokingly because I didn't know if I would like sake or not. What I told everybody, the truth of the matter was I was out of control and I knew it. And I knew I'd get over there and I would embarrass the people that had sent me there.

I wound up in the Army. And believe me, I've got a bunch of drunk stories about being in the Army. I think everybody's been in the service. It had

has

among those why I wound up having alcohol poisoning once when I went to Mexico

I chugged a bottle 1/4 tequila after I was already drunk and put me in the hospital for a week on was home AWOL One time from the service just extended my stay a little bit. I wasn't really going to not go back or anything like that and had had some some pills with me and got put in the Saint Louis jail and they never found the pills and I proceeded to overdose in the jail

and wound up in the hospital. But I never really thought I had that big a problem, you know,

got out of the Army. While I was in the Army, I got my GED. I did that right anyway. And when I got out, I started going to college. I never felt like I fed, fit in, you know, just didn't. And when I got out, some of the guys that I'd hung around with and started a motorcycle club. So I joined a motorcycle club. And it was not your AMA type sanctions motorcycle,

it was more the Outlaw Hells Angel type club. And did that for a few years. It worked out pretty well really, because the more antisocial my behavior was, you know, the better I fit in. I really had two lives. I have my college life where I was studying and then all my classes ended by three or four in the afternoon. And I would stay out till, you know, two or three, 4:00 in the morning. The bars there,

pretty nice place for an alcoholic, really. The bars there had had a rule that they had to close for an hour each night and you would always find bars and twos.

One would close from 5:00 to 6:00 in the morning and you'd go next door until it opened back up. And the other bar would close from six to seven in the morning, so you can drink around the clock.

And and I did several times. All this time, though, I've been wanting a family. You know, that was something that was really, I don't know where that came from, but I always wanted a family. And I finally found the girl that I wanted, you know, and by hooker crook,

you know, I wound up getting her pregnant, told her I would marry her if she got pregnant because I wanted to have a family. And

she got pregnant and we got married. And I was out partying one night and had a gun pointed in my face, somebody saying, should I shoot him? Should I shoot him? And I wasn't really afraid at the time, but I went back home and I looked at that little baby girl and thought, you know, I really need to be around a little longer. And I packed everything up and moved to Houston.

Got to Houston and put the family first.

We moved in with my parents and they gave me 30 days to find a job. Now I graduated from college with an accounting degree, not because I liked accounting. The last thing in the world I was ever going to do was become an accountant. But I was good with numbers. So I figured no matter what field I get in, they, you know, they all use accounting. But I had 30 days to find a job. So I found a job at a little CPA firm and I went to work there

and they say you're you do good at,

you like what you're good at or you're good at what you like. I wound up taking to it and I got into public accounting and got my CPA and wound up going back to school.

I had this delusion that I could rest happiness and satisfaction out of the world if I only manage well. You know, it talks about that in the book. And that was a pairing in my life long before I got to AAI, had this delusion. If I just managed well, I'd be happy and satisfied. If I found the right girl and I had, everything would be fine. And when I found her, everything was fine for just a little while. And then I realized something was missing. I needed children, you know, So we wound up having

baby girl. Something was missing, you know, we need to move to another location. And we did that and everything was OK for a little while.

I needed to make more money and then everything would be OK. So I got my CPA degree. I figured, well, that's not quite enough. I need to go back to school and get a masters in accounting. So I went back to school. Once I get to the top of this hill, whichever one it's going to be next, you know, I'll be happy and satisfied.

And I would get to the top of that hill, everything would be fine for a week or two and I'd look around and say, damn it, I climbed the wrong hill again. There it is over there, you know, I need a son. So, you know, and the list goes on and on. If we just had a house, everything would be fine. And over the period of a few years, probably seven or eight years,

you know, we wound up with the house, the things on the wall that said, you know, I was OK.

The wife, the kids, the Rottweiler still had the motorcycle. In fact, I had two of them

and I wasn't OK and the marriage started falling apart. Now, part of this,

too, has to do with me being uncomfortable in my skin. You know, if I just stay busy enough, I'll be OK, you know? And that was a lot of what I did, you know, I would work all day, I would go to school, I would come home. And I didn't have time to deal with all these other issues, you know, that we're going on with the family. And I didn't have to be bothered with life. You know,

I talked to an AAA when I first got here about being a, are you a human being or you a human doing, you know, and I was a human doing. I was the epitome of that, you know, I just kept doing more and doing more and doing more and thinking when I get to the top of this hill, everything will be fine. Oh well, the marriage started to fall apart and I tried to hold it together. I held it together for about two or three years, started bringing

alcohol and drugs into the house.

I have to tell this time I had pretty much been on a marijuana maintenance program and had actually my alcoholism was pretty much at Bay. The only thing I can give credit for that for looking back, how that happened, I don't know. But what I believe is it was the first time in my life I had put other people's welfare ahead of my own.

You know, and that seems to be what's working today too, that same sort of thing,

maybe a little bit different. But I actually put other people's welfare ahead of my own there for a number of years.

I tried several times to get sober on my own. I couldn't. I wanted to save everything. You know, by this time I was totally out of control. I was losing the family. I mean, I'm going back to a four bedroom house. They're all gone. Their stuff piled up in the driveway. The house is empty. The Rottweilers chained to electric meter. It's four months, 3-4 months overdue.

Finally gotten past the dog to cut off the power. I figure, well, maybe it's time for me to go to treatment, you know, and maybe I can hold on to everything if I put on a show, you know, and go check in somewhere. And part of me really did want to get sober. And I checked into a place called Spring Shadows Glen and was there for 30 days and and they cured my alcoholism.

All except for the drinking and drugging part. You know, that went on for another 3 1/2 years.

But it, it was a good thing because they exposed me to AAI went to my first a a meeting and I looked around the room and I said, how can all these dumb people help me? You know, none of them are smart as me. None of them have been through what I've done. None of you know, I just couldn't relate to any of them. How can these dumb people help me? And they asked if there was anyone new in the room and I raised my hand. I said. They told me I was the most important person in the room

and I immediately knew they were a lot smarter than I give them credit.

So maybe there was hope. You know, was

interesting. The first meeting I went to was on being terminally unique. And they went around the room, everybody was talking about how when they got to A, they thought they were different than everybody else. And they asked me, you know, it's getting close to the end of the meeting. It came around to me. They asked me if I wanted to share. And I told him I couldn't really relate to the topic, but I didn't think I was terminally unique, that I was much different than any of them.

And their mouths dropped open, you know, And I realized that I, I been caught,

had

at this point, I usually tell about 3 1/2 years of what I did wrong in a, I approached AA like I'd done anything else. If I just work hard enough, if I apply myself enough, I can do it. If you did it, I can do it, by God, you know, And I wrote inventories. I made amends. I did everything the book said. Not initially, but well, pretty much. I almost got thrown out of treatment for doing a four step because they said I wasn't ready

do that and I said no, you know, I'm going to, I'm going to take this thing by the horns and I'm going to do it. Self-reliance, though,

you know, won't get you too far in a a you know, self determination won't get you too far in AAI mean. It says in the book that you know the problem itself, and here I'm relying on the problem, you know, to fix the problem. And apparently I didn't have much luck doing that, but I kept trying.

And you know, it took me a while to come around to this God thing. Took me probably a year before I get on my knees and pray and ask God to help the Almighty me get sober.

Yeah. And that didn't seem to work very well either. But I'd get a new sponsor. I come back in and I get a new plan. You know, every time I would learn from my mistakes and I would come up with a new plan. This time, I'm not going to lie. This time I'm going to go to a meeting every day. This time I'm going to go right through the steps immediately. Anybody here got a plan?

Anybody here got a new plan?

Well, they told me my new plan probably wouldn't work any better than any of my other plans had worked

and then I need the

follow directions and let someone else do the planning.

I kept trying it my way though. I thought I would figure this thing out. If you could do it, I could do it. And I saw people that couldn't do half the things I do getting this thing.

How were they getting this thing when I couldn't? I mean, I couldn't go 2 days without going on a bit, three days without going on a binge. When I got to a a 3 1/2 years later, I couldn't go 2 days.

My plan kind of degenerated as as things went on during this period I did go through a divorce. I lost everything

in the divorce. I got custody of my son somehow. I don't know how that happened, but I eventually wound up having to give him back to his mother because I didn't stay sober.

Let me skip kind of to the end, you know, we're kind of at the end here. 3 1/2 years later and I'm going to a meetings and I'm trying to stay sober. I can't get 2 days.

I've got a a day and 1/2 or I've got, I've got a day of sobriety and I felt really good because I knew all I had to do was go home that night from the meeting and get something to eat. I go right to sleep and I'd have a a day of sobriety. And it's been a while since I'd had a whole day of sobriety because I'd usually make a phone call during the 8:00 meeting or I'd, you know, something would happen.

I and I got home, I told my new sponsor I'd be fine. I was doing OK. I'll call him in the morning. Goodbye. And I was, I was just fine. And I, I left his car and I walked fifty feet, made a right turn, walk down to doors to my apartment, put the key in the door and unlocked it. And then the stock came over me. You know, you ought to call these guys and see what's going on tonight.

And I said, and I unlocked the, I locked the door back up

and then I would think, no, that's a bad idea. And I would unlock the door. And I think, well, you know, they probably won't answer the phone anyway, just go give them a call. And I locked the door and then I would unlock the door. And I must have stood there 345 minutes and the insane thought went out and I locked the door, never walked in the apartment and back out on another two or three day bench.

I had my benches down pretty good where I was. I would have clothes I couldn't fit in that would fit me just fine. You know, after the second day, they were on this side of the dresser,

you know, and other clothes were on the right side. And you talk about the insanity of alcohol.

I'm sitting there 2:00 in the morning, still have money in my pocket and nowhere to go. No one's answering their phone, you know,

And so I decide, well, I'll turn on the TV, turn on the TV, and what's on at 2:00 in the morning? There's a show back then called Cops, I guess it's still on. So I'm watching and there's this little Fiesta store where there's this illegal activity going on, where people are

driving up, people are running out, and there's money exchanging hands. And, you know, the cops come in and they bus time. And I look at that and I say, you know, I know where I might find something going on.

I'm thinking this is an insane thought, you know, But it won out. And I get on my Harley and I wind up driving over to that side of town. That's

the choices I was making were not being made by me.

You know, I never put a drink in my body except when I decided to do it. But if I tried to not decide to do it, I would always change my mind. I had no choice but to change my mind. I'd lost. I had no defense against the first drink, absolutely no defense. And I would go back into a a meetings and I would hear people say, well, just don't drink no matter what. And the hair on the back of my neck would stand up and I'm

thankful I never hit any of those guys

because I came close to it a couple of times. It was like, God, if I could do that, I would not be here listening to you.

But anyway,

I used to be real anti

don't drink no matter what type stuff. I'm used to be real kind of a big book thumper, I guess if it wasn't in the big book, you know, just keep it to yourself type of thing. And

there are a lot of good suggestions that people have provided in meetings that aren't in the big book. And I've tried to take a softer, easier approach to it. Now, where I look at that is extra credit, you know, kind of like when you went to school, you know, you'd have the course material and then they give you a couple extra questions, couple extra things for extra credit. If you got the extra credit right, it would make your grade a little better,

But if you didn't know the core material, you were going to fail the course, didn't matter how much extra credit

you did. So that's kind of how I look at it today. There's a lot of good extra credit floating around these rooms, but if you want a passing grade, you better you better study the basic text and you better know the basic material.

So some people that really knew this book got ahold of me

and told me that if I kept trying to stay sober, I was going to die,

that I needed to admit that I was powerless over alcohol and that I couldn't stay sober. They told me if I took the energy I was spending trying to stay sober and directed it towards what the big book tells me to do, which is to become spiritual, that I could become a spiritual person. And to become a spiritual person, I would have to undergo some kind of personality change because the person I was

was not. It was anything but what you would call a spiritual person.

And if I became, and I said, why would I want to become a spiritual person? I said because spiritual people don't have to drink. You see, I had a hard time with the spiritual part of this program for a long time. And it was pointed out to me that there ain't no other part to it.

And I kept, I kept thinking, well, why would I need this? Why do I need this? You know? And someone once told me so, well, Kenny, maybe you don't need this, but I got a question for you. We'll find out maybe if you do. And that question was,

Kenny, do you have a soul?

You know, is there a part of you besides this computer up there that you put in charge of your life that's screwing it all up? Is there part of, is there something to you? Do you have a soul? You know, is there something inside of you that when this brain is making crazy decisions, that part of you that says that's a crazy thought?

You know, do you have a conscience? You know, we're talking this program about having conscious contact with God. And I think growing up, that was that was what my parents called my conscience. They said, let your conscience be your guide. I think there's part of me that innately knows what's right and what's wrong, what's good and what's bad. And that's my connection with God. Page 55 it says that that's where you find God is deep down inside each

and every one of us.

Umm. And so I decided that yes, I had a soul.

And then it was pointed out, well, you've got a mind, you've got a body, you've got a soul. If you've got a mind where everybody knows that you can be mentally ill,

you know, and if you're mentally ill, you're not going to make good decisions. When you're physically ill, it affects your thinking also.

So if your mind and body can either be healthy or sick, and if you know, if you've got a soul, couldn't it be healthy or sick?

And you know, what kind of condition would your body be? And Kenny, if you'd been sitting on the couch eating all the wrong things for the last 20 years, pretty bad shape. What kind of condition do you think your soul's in?

The book says When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.

Doesn't say that I need to work on my mental abilities. Doesn't say I need to work on my physical ability. Says when the spiritual malady is overcome, I straighten out mentally and physically and

I finally got willing to to listen to

and I started trying to do things differently.

I had a, a problem believing in God's.

I would try and make myself believe in God. And the most I got was a make believe God. You know, I mean, I just could not seem to make myself do it. And that morning after the, the cops incident, I was sitting in the room waiting for the liquor store to open at 9:00 because I couldn't think of anything else to do. And I got my big book out and I set it on the bed and I got on my knees and I started praying. And I, I said, you know, this praying business just doesn't work.

I've been trying this for,

you know, a couple of years at that point and I couldn't think of anything else to do so so well, what else can I could do? And and the thought came, since I was on my knees, the only other thing I knew to do on my knees was the bed.

And that's what I did. I begged to a God that I didn't even believe was there

and I didn't know why my prayers weren't working.

And the flying in the big book came back and said we're careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. We've wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work.

And I started thinking about all my prayers up to that point where God helped me stay sober because I'll never get what I want if I don't quit drinking and drug. God help me stay sober 'cause I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I'd waste a lot of wasted a lot of time with those prayers because they were selfish prayers, you know, It wasn't about anybody else. It's about me wanting to be sober so I could get what I want, so I wouldn't lose what little I had left.

And I realized why, maybe why my prayers had not worked.

At that point, I pretty much admitted I was powerless over alcohol and drugs. Didn't matter how many inventories I wrote, didn't how matter how many amends I did. And I got up and I left out of that place to walk across the street because it was time for the liquor store to open. And I went across the street and I had a burning Bush Experience

just happened for me. I don't know exactly. Well, let me just share what happened. I went over and I picked up the phone and before I made the phone call, I looked up in the sky and I did not want to be the pitiful piece of

shit that I become.

You know, I was going to be nothing but a burden on everybody. I could not stop drinking. I could not stop using

and I looked up in the sky and I said if you're up there, you're going to have

to do this for me. I can't do it.

Take my life and make me of some use to somebody, somewhere. I just wanted, I think always since I was a little kid, I wanted to be useful. You know, I wanted to leave a mark in this world when I left. And at that point in time, I'm kind of staring off towards the apartments. And you know how when the clouds kind of part and the meme of light comes down, I mean, that's what happened. This beam of light, I swear to God, hit out in the middle of the road. And as the clouds continue to part,

Bema light came right up to me and I got covered in goosebumps from my head to my toe. And I don't know how long I was immersed in that light. And I get goosebumps every time I share about this.

But when, when it was over, whatever it was, and something was there with me, I knew something was there with me. And when it was over, I felt like I weighed 30 or 40 lbs lighter than I'd weighed. I felt like I was walking on air. And I called the the the sponsor up who dropped me off a few days earlier and he came by and picked me up

and said he was going to take me somewhere. I said, fine, let's go because I didn't know where to go at that point. He picked me up and we started driving around and he said, you know, we just had this hurricane come through here. I need to go move some furniture. And I said, OK, so we went and moved some furniture, got that taken care of, let's go get some lunch. I said, fine, we went to get some lunch. And as we were eating lunch, he looked at me and says, Kenny, he says, don't you want to know where I'm taking you? Because before that, anytime I, you know,

time someone was going to take me somewhere, I wanted to know, you know, was I going to have to quit smoking? What were the rules? Was there a curfew? Could I have visitors? How qualified were these people? You know, I mean, I had a whole laundry list of criteria for any place I was going to check into. And I remember looking at him and said, no, I'm not running the show anymore.

And he took me to a halfway house and I checked in and he wanted to pay for 10 days because I got there like on a Wednesday. And I said no, don't pay past Friday because I haven't been able to stay sober over two days that I can remember,

you know, So he paid me up through Friday because I insisted he not waste his money and pay for, you know, the next week too. And I checked in there and for the first time, instead of trying to get me sober, which I've been trying to do for 3 1/2 years, I told myself when I checked in there I would try and help the next person that came in behind me. And that's what I did.

And it's amazing that someone there was talking about the promises the day I checked in and I told him, I said, look, you can take those promises and put them where the sun doesn't shine.

You know, I said, the only promise I want is to not have to drink or drug anymore. Now 3456 days went by and I'm trying to help these guys that came in behind me. And no thought of Draken, no thought of using was just amazing. And the subject of the promises came up again and they said, oh, don't talk about that around Kenny, you know, and you know, because. And I said, wait, let's take a look at that. And we looked at the promises

than everyone of them had come true.

When you get to the point where the only thing in the world you want is to not have to drink or drug again, and the obsession goes away, you've got everything in the world that you wanted, you know? And

all those years when I was looking for happiness on top of this hill, on top of that hill, I had finally

found what I was looking for. I found peace. The house was gone. The family was gone, the job was gone,

the money in the bank that was my security was all gone. I'm $50,000 in debt. I've been riding Metro bus for two years,

living in a halfway house with my front tooth broke out

and I've found what I wanted.

Peace. I was OK. Everything was OK just the way it was.

I am so thankful that I lost everything because

getting this thing and having lost everything made me realize I don't need any of it,

you know? And I'd never known that if I hadn't gotten this thing when nothing was left. The number of things that have come back and, and your sense have just been amazing. I mean, I used to kid people about when I first came around AA, they told me that if you still own the watch, you probably weren't ready to get sober, you know, and I proved them wrong when I got sober. I still own the watch and had the pawn ticket to prove it.

That's kind of where I was.

I don't know now whether to go through the steps. I mean, there there's, there's certain experiences that that have happened with me through the steps that have made a great impact on my sobriety.

I step three, I called my sponsor after we did step three, one of my sponsors and I called him the next morning and said, I can't seem to figure out what God wants to do, what he wants me to do. I've been praying this morning and he said, well, why would you be asking that? I said, well, because I did Step 3

and So what are you doing? I said, I'm praying for God's will for me and for him to give me the power to carry that out. And he says, Kenny, you're an accountant. You're halfway through law school. What comes after three?

You see, I would stick 11 right after three,

you know, praying for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out is step 11. And so often in these rooms do people do step three, make a decision. The next thing you know, they're if they're trying to do God's will. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, but I think after doing step three, God's will for me is to do Step 4.

Yeah, I've done a bunch of inventories when I, I've, I've taken a lot of people through the steps and there are a lot of people that come to a A and they're, they're liars. They're thieves,

you know, they stolen ship when I got to AAI wasn't, you know, so I have a hard time relating that when I got here, I, I wasn't a liar. I mean, sometimes things just weren't your business. So I made shit up and told you that, you know, but I wasn't a liar. And I took a lot of things that didn't belong to me, like cars and motorcycles, but I wasn't a thief. A thief is someone who gets caught and they're convicted, you know, and it's on their record.

It was about my 3rd or 4th 4th step where I became a liar and a thief

and I'm still a liar today

and I hope I stay a liar. I've got an honest two or three times in sobriety and it's a scary place for me to be. It really is.

Some people may be able to handle being honest, but if I, I can't, I can't. You know, they, they told me you're hearing a A all the time, that if you ever forget you're an alcoholic, you'll probably drink again. If I ever forget I'm a liar, I'll start believing all the stuff that comes out of my mouth.

This happened several times. You know, I'm much safer staying a liar because I checked the things that come out of my mouth. Is that true? Is that

a fist up? I got to the point where you could put my fist up in the Houston Chronicle if that's what it took for me to stay sober. I had things I didn't tell the first time, didn't tell the second time. Most of those things I've shared in Open meeting since then.

Probably the most amazing step

in the whole 12 is step 7.

They talk about step 7 doesn't work well. God will do it when he's ready. That's not my experience, but but I've learned to look at this book and kind of pick it apart and see exactly what it says says that.

I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Most of the defects of character that you hear people in a A, including myself, talk about wanting to have removed or the ones that stand in the way of our being popular.

You know, stand in the way of me being successful, you know, but I have found that God will almost immediately remove the defects, the character that stand in the way of my being useful to him. My first experience with with this was I rode the bus for my first year of sobriety because I was, I had this problem, parking problem. You know, I'd be going 70 miles an hour and I park in the back of someone else's car.

I didn't know if I was going to stay sober or not. So I told myself I'd wait a year

and I got sobered up in a little apartment and I was catching Metro bus

from that apartment back over the halfway house where I got sober. Because part of the deal I made with God was if he kept me sober, I would go back over there and share with those folks. And there were days I'd come home from work and I wouldn't want to go. You know, I don't know if it was my laziness. I don't know if it was my selfishness, what it was, you know, I just, or if I was just too tired to go. I don't know, I wouldn't want to go. But if I would get on my knees

and ask God to remove whatever was standing in my in the way of my going to the Wednesday night or the Monday night meeting that night,

it would be amazing. I would stand up and all of a sudden I would have this energy. I want to do something. I wouldn't want to watch TV. And I'd say, well, I might as well go. And that happened on a consistent basis