The Primary Purpose group's 27th anniversary celebration in Dallas, TX

My name is Kristen Alcoholic

and in and of myself I am absolutely nothing

and I pray tonight that I do God the program Alcoholics Anonymous has described in this book and the men who spent countless hours carrying that message to me justice

like to thank Hanna for asking me to come out here. And I'm pretty sure that the Myers had something to do with that.

I'm, I'm not supposed to be here. I'm I'm not one of those guys who thinks that

everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be and I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm not supposed to be sober. I'm not supposed to have a

a loving marriage with a wonderful woman. I'm not supposed to have a 5 year old son. I'm not supposed to have a 18 month old baby girl who is the 1st girl born into my family in 75 years.

I'm not supposed to have the career I have. I'm not supposed to drive the car I'm driving. I'm not supposed to live in the house that I'm living in. And their mornings I wake up and I, I think when the people who own all this stuff comes back, they're going to be pissed off.

Laughter,

I cannot not drink.

I'm standing here. I like what it says on page 25, but for the grace of God. I'm here because of the grace of God and that's it. I like what it talks about later furlonged down the page says great fact is justice and nothing less. We've had deep and effective spiritual experiences and and I had a spiritual experience that stopped me from drinking.

And

what has happened since that experience, through going to meetings,

following the directions outlined in this book, I've experienced what step 12 said and that is I've had a spiritual awakening. I've woken up to that experience.

I'll start with the story. I like stories.

So I'm, I'm on this business like 1520 years ago. I'm, I'm flying home from a week out of town with work and I'm, I'm reading my notes from some, some meeting things. I'm standing. I, I'm, I'm, I have enough time to grab a sandwich before I get on the plane. I'm standing there. It's busy or airports crowded. It's Friday and I'm, I'm reading my notes

and somebody hits me from behind and I turn around. I gave him that dude, right? Like my friend Kathy says where I come from, dude, it's a complete sentence. And he looked at me and he gave me that. I'm sorry, I just ran into you. I'm a klutz. And I OK, so I turn back around. I'm reading my stuff. I go and I iron my sandwich and young lady brings it to me and I grab my water. I, I, I, my hands are full. So I put my bag of chips in my my carry on and

I grab my drink and the sandwich and there there's no tables, but I see this one

off to the side and it's a two chair table hustle over and I sit down. I'm reading my stuff, open up my sandwich. And then all of a sudden the chair across me slides out and I'm like, I look up and I go, dude. And it's the same guy. And he sits down and he gave me that dude. Can I sit here? Not sure. And so I'm sitting there, I'm reading, I'm engrossed in these notes. And then all of a sudden

he picks up the bag of chips and he opens them.

I'm sitting there. I'm looking at I'm like, did he just I, I gave him the dude nod right. He'd say these he eats when he puts bag shit down. So I'm thinking, so I I reach over. I eat like 3 right? And he looks at me and he nods. I nod back. And then he he eats one and I'm like, it's like eat a couple more. And then we're going back and forth like this and

I'm sitting there, I'm, I'm thinking, what what is going on?

And then he picks up the bag and he looks in it and he he offers it to and there's one chip left and I'm thinking, what is I dip my little needle nose plier fingers in there and I pull it out and I eat it right. I dim the nod. What? Right,

all that? This is totally true. This is my true experience. This is what happened. And he gets up and he leaves and he gives me the nod and I give him the nod and off he disappears into the crowd. And

I'm thinking about all this.

Oh my God,

grab my paperwork and I have this tremendous experience. I opened up my laptop bag and my bag of chips was in my bag.

The reality of what happened burst upon me. I had an awakening to the experience that just happened and it wasn't what I thought it was.

That's the exact same thing that happened when I stopped drinking. I didn't know what the hell was going on, and it's a direct result of this course of action. It's been explained to me and shown to me that God has stopped me from drinking because I can't not not drink.

I, man, I, I, I, I go to meetings. So Myers and I, so I, I, my sponsor passed away. The guy who took me through this book guy named Joe Hawk. He used to come here a while back. And when he passed away, I, I, I had a guy I was relying on in California. And then he was about to pass and he said, you need to find a sponsor out there. And as soon as we began talking, I knew it had to be Myers. I've known Myers and John and

I,

we had a good long talk and I'm so grateful to him. I

it's amazing what the steps have done for me because the guy wasn't step one. Would hear people talk about stuff in step 9 and I didn't get it. But then I'd also go to these other meetings where people say just don't drink no matter what. Put the plug in your job, choose to do the next right thing.

And I was just think, man, if I could just not drink no matter what, put the plug in the jug and do the next right thing, I wouldn't need you people.

And I didn't understand that.

As a direct result of these steps, what I used, the truth that I assigned this stuff was removed and replaced with the reality of what what had happened.

I, I, I used to think that being an alcoholic was a guy who drank and got in trouble. According to my definition, my experience, if you drank and got in trouble, you're an alcoholic. And if you drink didn't get in trouble, you're not right. That made sense.

And

I was

19 years old and I'm going to a friend's house. Actually, we're going to this party and Fountain Valley

and he's going to my friend Kevin's house to pre drink. Pre party. I don't know. I don't know about you, but I like to drink before I go drink. So on my way to Kevin's house, I buy a Toll pack cruise. I bought a Blue label Hunter proof Smirnoff. Why 'cause it's 100 proof, why not? And go to Kevin's house And I drank it and I didn't drink. I'm not that big of a man where I drank all of it. No girls made Tom Collins, guys had beers. But I know when I left,

I didn't have any alcohol to carry out.

And what I like to do when I'm in a blackout is I like to drive. And people used to ask me, why do you drive in your black? And I'm like, I'm in a blackout. I don't know what does that? What do you realize what you just asked me? And I vaguely remember getting to this party. I vaguely remember finding the keg in the backyard. And when I find a keg, I don't leave the keg. That's why I'm here. I'm here to drink this thing, right? I hold the tap

'cause that's I'm smart like that, you know, beer, give my friends beer, social with girls, have a beer guys I don't like, fill them up with foam. And if the cops come, you take the keg, you throw it over the fence, you chase it, and then now you got a keg to take home, right? And

I vaguely remember walking out of that house into the sliding glass door, into the house. I vaguely remember the front door and something happening. I have a vague recollection of hopping into my little Mozart 7 and speeding away. And I have a flash of a lot of blue and red. And I come out of my blackout and I'm in handcuffs again. And there's

15 cops, helicopter overhead. And I don't know what's going on. Asking all the cops,

Officer, can you please tell me what's going on? Officer, can nobody tell me? And I'm like, officer, I just got here. What happened? Because I'm, I don't, I really don't know why I'm in handcuffs. And I remember a squad car comes by with the spotlight on and there's three people in the back seat and all three are pointing at me as it drives by. And I'm like, oh, man, I'm in a lot of trouble. And

I get booked and they finally told my charges. I've been arrested for a felony assault matter. And I heard somebody really bad and

I,

I got bailed out. I had to call my dad. And when I got out, I was sober as a judge when I walked out of that, when I got out of jail and my dad drove me the impound yard to get my car. And, and if your alcohol, you probably had that ride long ride in the car with somebody who's got to remind you of all of the stuff. And I'm like, I know everything you're talking. You can shut up now. I don't, I don't need to hear this.

And we get to the impound yard

and I remember getting in my car and the electric gates rolling open. I'm wondering where am I going to go?

And I thought to myself, I need a drink. And I went right to the liquor store, bought a 12 pack cruise light bottle of blue 100 proof Smirnoff, went right to Kevin's house and drank it.

And people used to ask me why I did some Essex. I don't care because I'd like to have fun. And but after a while it wasn't fun anymore. I used to tell people that I didn't care. But part of the problem was, is I did care. I wanted to show up for Thanksgiving, Christmas, my own high school graduation party, my grandfather. I wanted to show up, but I couldn't show up. And people kept asking me, why don't you? If you loved us, you wouldn't do this. And I remember thinking, well, then I guess I don't love you

because I can't stop. I remember one day my mom saying, Chris, if you would just try harder. And I remember thinking to myself, this is me trying my hardest. You want to see me not try? Let's do that right?

I love Alcoholics Anonymous because it was able to explain to me what was wrong with me. I had seen Harvard educated psychiatrist

for years and he tried to tell me that the reason why I drank the way I drank is because my dad didn't hug me and tell me he loved me. My brothers picked on me. The nuns used to hit me with yardsticks. My girlfriend cheated on me and that's why I drink the way I drank. And I used to think I've never opened a beer and thought, Ted, why don't you love me and drink a beer? Sister Charlotte, why did you hit me that day? I never so I didn't make sense. But this guy's smart, so he's got. And the guy who ended up explaining what was wrong with me, he spent eight years in Michigan

penitentiary for forgery. It was Joe and he talked to me about exactly what Cliff talked about this allergy I have. We believe Anso suggested a few years ago the action balconies chronic Alcoholics, the manifestation of an allergy and the phenomenon of craving is limited this class and never occurs in the average tempered drinker. Then when it comes to alcohol, the definition of an allergy is an abnormal reaction. Alcohol. I don't react normally.

My brothers, I got three brothers, none of them alcoholic. It's

crazy. My wife and I flew back to California four years ago, five years ago and we were sitting in this restaurant and we're we're about to eat dinner. It's crowded, got one little buzzer things and I remember my little brother says to my older brother, I'm going to go get a beer. You want one? My older brother, I shit, you know, he says.

Now let's split one.

And you know what these guys did? They split a beer.

Who splits a beer? Normal people. They have a target, they hit it and they're done. Me, my targets moving now I know where I want to get to, but I can't quite get there. Sometimes I overshoot the mark and I wind up in a blackout. I'm in handcuffs. I don't know why. Sometimes I drank myself sober. I don't know if you've ever done that. That's just a really weird experience. I got a 12 pack of beer. I drank 8 of them.

If I drink these last four beers before Seinfeld's over, I will go lie down and everything will be wonderful. I drink those 4 beers,

lie down, I'm physically intoxicated but my mind is on. I drank myself sober. Who does that? A person with an abnormal reaction Alcohol and I started to understand what they were talking about, that I have an allergic reaction. Once I start to drink, I can't stop.

Normal people get in trouble with alcohol because they drank too much, right?

What I learned that day is I got in trouble because I couldn't get enough. Because once I started, the only way I could scratch the allergy that I have to satisfy that physical craving was to pour more alcohol on me. And that made so much more sense than all the other stuff that people were trying to tell me. But the interesting thing is I used to think that the insanity of that story was going into a blackout, getting in a fight and going to jail. Because I used to hear that stuff in war story meetings,

all the things that we did. And you know what I remember I was, I would listen to people and I would hear I'd never lost a job from drinking because I was quit just before they were in a fireman. I've never gotten a drunk driving ever,

and I could start to list all these things that I haven't done and I could convince myself I'm not alcoholic, but that is not the common problem of alcoholism that a lot of times is the common differences. That's what I don't like about discussion meetings. The common problem is this craving Myers man, he he told me

he won't go to discussion meetings. He just can't do it anymore. And he, he looked at me and said, Chris, I'm so glad that you're going because one of us has to do it. And he wasn't. And I, I understand that. And

I understand that the insanity today of that story wasn't the blackout in the jail. It was the next morning when I was leaving that place and the thought of drinking came.

I like what it says on page 37, that that it's a lack proportion of ability to think straight. That's the insanity that

man, when I first got sober, I heard insanity and I'm thinking I'm I'm not crazy. I don't. I think of

Jack Nicholson, One Flew Up the Cuckoo's Nest, Thorazine, right? And, and Robert Straitjackets and Rubber Rooms. And I'm not insane. And you're not going to find me at 3:00 in the morning watching Telemundo, reading Guns and Ammo, wearing my wife's bra and panties, rubbing peanut butter on my nipples. I'm not crazy, right? I'm not that kind of insane. But when it comes to alcohol, I have a lack of proportion ability to think straight.

I have. I can't tell you how many times I've been arrested

or gotten in trouble or have to go see the PO and I drink.

And people would look at me like, are you crazy? Yeah. I didn't know. I didn't know that I didn't have the ability to think straight. And when it was finally explained to me,

I understood why I drank the way I drank. The reality of the whole situation came into focus and I used to think of the first step. I never saw the dash when I first got sober. Non palace over alcohol, my life unmanageable. I thought the management of my life was because of the drinking and the trouble I got in.

But when you read a dash means end a thought, start a thought, and that the unmanageability of my life isn't my drinking, it's the unmanageability of my life. What it talks about on 44 and 45.

That if a mere code of morals are better philosophy life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism. Many of us were recovered long ago, right? That I could wish to be moral, I could wish to be philosophy comfort. I could wish to do these things with all my mind. But the needed power isn't there, that I cannot

do the next right thing. I know what a good person does and what a bad person does. I know the difference between a truth and a lie. I I know what my parents wished I would have been, but I couldn't do it. I didn't have the power. I, I will be talking to a guy

and I start to tell a lie sober. I just thought and no reason not he's not the man, he's not the judge, not my PO, not my boss. He's just a dude, right? And I start to tell a lie for no reason. And I'm looking at the guy telling the lie, thinking I'm telling you a lie right now as I'm telling it. And, and now I'm starting to get interested in this lie because I'm wondering where it's going to go because I have no idea. And I can't. And that's I cannot manage to do the right thing to be the person. And it's hard because I was raised

say what's wrong with you? And after a while people said you're just bad, you're just evil, you're morally corrupt. And if you tell a kid that enough, he starts to believe it. I thought

that's me in high school. I wasn't most likely to be a congressman, most likely to be an All Star based on I was I was voted most likely to be convicted of a felony

and I was proud of that. Alcoholics are proud of the weirdest things, and

the unmanageable of my life is that I can't manage to do what I know is right. And I'm not saying that's separate from the first half of the first step, because where my unmanaged really, really shows is I cannot manage to control this desire to drink. I absolutely cannot. I like that what it talks about on 42, that this process snuffed out the last flicker of conviction. I can do the job myself. And that is what the first step is all about. It's not about getting a new guy and pumping him up with all the things you can do the high 5 or

whatever. Call someone, pray, go to me. If I could do all those things and stay sober, I'd be doing that. I I know people who do all those five Nat five more on and drink. It's not about those things that I do. And

page 45 says that lack of power is my dilemma, that I don't have this power that's required to live a happy, sustainable life, to get rid of the bedevilments on page 52 in and of myself. I can't do that.

Dilemma is a really interesting word. I used to think dilemma was solving a problem. It's a dilemma.

The dictionary. I don't know why this came to mind.

It says a situation requiring a choice between two equally unpleasant and alternatives. That's like I'm on a boat and my son and daughter both fall in the water and I can only save one. That's a dilemma. Lack of power is my dilemma.

Why I got issues with God. I got issues with God Born and raised Catholic nuns just And it's hard because at one point in my childhood, I love God so much that I was going to become a priest. I was going to go to seminary. I was going to devote my life to that,

but then as I got older, the way I live my life killed every dream that I had,

and that dream was ripped away from me. And what do you do when your dreams are gone? You know,

I don't have the power in of myself. And thank God the very next sentence says, well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main objects. It's named me to find a power grain myself. That's going to solve my problem. I'm not going to find God so I can solve it. God is not some kind of Ronco pocket God where I go through my life self willing it. When I get my ass in trouble

I pull God out. I wave him around please written that God removes it and then I put him in my free with purchase God carrying case until I need him the next time. That's not how this deal works, right?

This process has like talks about moving into inventory that this process it, it has removed the blocks that kept me from having this relationship with this power that has always been there.

Second step was just an amazing thing because I I thought the second step was all about climbing into my broken relationship with God in the past and somehow ticking, tying and mending it all together so I will have love of God again. And that's not all what it did. The second step in the big book actually described stop looking at your past relationship with God and look how I came to believe in this power. Grammy boss was looking at you. People used to do what I did, who drank like I drank, who ruined all these relationships, but all those relationships are now healing your life.

Do you have your useful and productive and happy? And I would ask these guys how is that possible? They say because of this relationship with God that I found, I found and maintained through working these 12 steps, I came to believe in a power granted me the exact same way I can't believe in alcohol. Growing up I saw my dad and my brothers drink. They had a great time and my friends drink, they had a great time. I knew if I drank, I too, I shall have a great time.

I took some action. I grabbed a drink

15 years old, never fit, never liked who I was. I just didn't. I, I, I didn't fit and I drank 3 Mickey Big Mouth malt liquors in about 1/2 hour and I met God.

I took my first real breath. And you can't explain that to people who aren't like me, right? My parents could not understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. They don't get I have to do this.

The second step was such a revelation for me in the process of how it does it,

a page 52 it says when we saw others saw their problems by a simple reliance upon the spirit of the universe, we had to stop down the power of God or I did it didn't work, but this God idea did. Simple reliance. How can you rely on something that you can't explain? I hear people say that all the time. If you can't explain it or tell me how to use it, it doesn't exist.

You can't get direction from an all knowing thing unless you can fully explain it. When people tell me that I hold up this,

I have a simple alliance on this unit. This thing runs my life right. If I have a question about quantum physics, I could Google it on this and it will tell me

I can be totally, you can draw me off anywhere, United States, and I will plug in my home address and this will tell me how to get home. And you know what, I'm pretty sure any one of you people, if I dropped you off in the middle of the jungle with a pocket knife and said you can't come out of that jungle until you build me a working cell phone, you're going to die in that jungle.

For all I know there's gremlin smoking crack in that thing. I don't know, I have a general idea of how a cell phone works, right? I, my voice, my, my, my vocal cords make these vibrations that come out in sounds. And this little microphone picks it up. And inside this magical little device, it takes analog, turns it into digital, and it transmit this signal off to this repeater tower, right? And it bounces. Off of that goes my friend James's phone and he picks it up

in the microphone

that goes into these things in his ear and and then when he talks it cause and it happens like that. I understand the basics of how a cell phone works

by simply relying on it.

That's all. So why can't I take that same thing of the material world and apply it to God? It's a simple reliance. I only need a concept to start. I don't have to explain God. There's no way. It says it's impossible for us to fully define or comprehend that power which is God. I hate talking about God to people. It says other other people's ideas don't matter. Use your own conception, however limited it is. It's sufficient to make the approach to affect a contact with Him because

time after with these steps is not a better idea of God. It's a conscious relationship with God right? Now, if we all took out a piece of paper and put our concept of what Bigfoot look like,

everybody this, we would have all different idea. Oh, he's 10 feet, he's 4 feet, he's 6 feet, right? He's got 22 inch hair, he's got 8 inch hair, he's got sharp teeth, he's got flat teeth, he grunts, he smells like potpourri. He smelled right. You will hear all these different ideas. But if Bigfoot walked in right now, none of our concepts matter 'cause we now have a conscious relationship with Him, right?

That's what I'm after. When they talk about a conscious relationship, I'm not talking about this, but I'm talking about I can tell you about an actual conscious contact I had with God today,

right now, in this moment, and people don't understand. That's what these steps are all about. It's remove these blocks so I can see the existence of God and everything I do because I'm not supposed to be standing here sober. I'm not,

I started to understand this coming to believe in not I don't have to believe, I just I have to come to believe that there is something going on in your life that's not going on in mine. Then I I started to see that

I got to make this decision to turn my own life over to God. But it's just a decision, right? Bomb paid 62. He's a director, which means I'm the actor. He's the principal, which means I'm the agent. He's the father, means I'm the child. I know what an actor seeks from a director, and that's direction. Lights don't come on, people don't talk, cars don't. Nothing happens. So the director says, this is what I want to see, right? I'm supposed to ask God for direction. Everything I do from this decision forward, I know principal and agent, right?

It's like if Garth Brooks coming to Dallas and I'm his tour agent, right? He comes to me and says, Chris, I won't go to Dallas. OK, Garth, let me get everything hooked up as his agent, I act on on behalf of the one who has power. I set everything up for him. But I don't call the Ritz Carlton Hotel and say, hey, this is what I'm going to see you do for me. I'm telling you what, this, this is what we need to see for Garth because he's the principal, I'm the agent. I get that role confused all the time. I hear I am telling God what I want.

He's the principal, not me. And then the father child relationship. I've got to trust God. Growing up, I never had to go upstairs at 6:00 in the morning in my dad's bedroom and say, Dad, hey, wake up, wake up. Will you please get up and go to work today so we can have money, so I can have clothes to wear to school and we can buy books and we can have dinner tonight and you can pay the mortgage on the House. Will you please get them go to work and do that?

Why didn't I have to do that? Because my dad knew his goddamn job. He I didn't have to wake him up to tell him that stuff.

That's why I don't have to wake up today to say, God, please keep me sober today. He knows his job. I should be asking God, what do you want from me today? That's what I'm that's why I'm here.

I make this decision and it says next we launch on a course of vigorous action. Wow. I don't get to sit and think about this for a little bit. I hear these guys says I'm on my third side. How long have you been on your third step? Three weeks. What what book are you reading? It says next relaunch right after. What are you doing?

I remember I I did exactly the wording, of course, is quite optional, so long as I express the idea of that relationship. I wrote my own prayer out. I got down on my knees because it's some says that I have to humbly do this out loud and I I hold Joe's hands and I read this prayer to him. I remember standing up and he gave me a spinal notebook and a pen and he gave me the prayers for my first column. God, please bring to mind everyone I've ever been angry with because it's not a it's it's it says everyone we've ever It says bomb paid 65.

Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. Moving the 5th step it talks about we're paired for a long talk.

I remember sitting down at his little table thinking I'm not angry, I'm not angry. Guys, God, please bring your mind everywhere I've been angry with.

I just started throwing up names all over this piece of paper, right? Patty, 3rd grade, pulled my pants down. Miss Robinson, first grade, she got mad at me. All these names I just, I couldn't believe the stuff that was coming off my pen. I asked God to bring to mind everyone ever been angry with and it came in full force. Right when I was done on my list, I had 488 people on there.

Then I do the next column, the two truth columns, right? What they did to me. God, please bring your mind why I'm resentful at this person. Write down and I got to remember there's a commercial inventory. This isn't about the history. This is if you look at the example on peak 65, they're all 3456. Set words long. You don't get a page and a half because now all I'm doing is justifying what a jerk this guy is, right?

I ask God to bring mine, why I'm angry, and I list it all out. Then I look at the seven areas, how this affected me.

I look at ambition, pride, pocketbook security, personal relations, sex relations,

security, self esteem, what I forget.

I list all those out and now I have the person, what they did to me and how that affected me and that is all the truth. Then I get to move on. Next comment. It says that this column is the key to my future.

If

Bill Gates, Microsoft walked up to you and said, hey, I got the key to your future, would you listen to him? I'd be like, what? Let me record you with my God device. I mean,

yeah, we talked about the key of the future and people like gloss right over it. You see that their eyes rollback in their head. The key to your future is in this 4th column. I remember asking why is the key to my future? He said, well,

do you think you will use your faults or blame your mistakes where yourself is a self seeking, dishonest and afraid in your 5th step? Well, absolutely, because I'm supposed to share with you the exact nature of my wrongs and that's where it's going to come from. Is that 4th column. He said, well, do you do you see how those would be your character defects in steps 6:00 and 7:00? Well, absolutely. Those are the things I'm asking God remove. Do you think you would use that 4th column your fault, You will blame your mistakes where yourself self seekingness and afraid step. Well, absolutely. Those are

I need to go make amends for. He said, well, do you think you'd use those when you're making the amends? And I said absolutely. He showed me how the 10th step is actually a short version of a fourth column of your inventory and that's what drives 10 and 11. And I can't tell you how many times I've used 4th column inventory stuff on a 12 step call to help somebody to understand that I know exactly what you're going through.

There are 12 steps in Alcoholics Anonymous. Eight of them come from the 4th column of that resentment inventory.

That's why they call the key to my future. That's why I spent so much time on it, because all that stuff, because I'm supposed to disregard the other person involved entirely. When I fold those pages and I can no longer see column two and three, and I got that person's name and I've got the 4th column of my fault, my blame, my mistake. I now see the reality of what's going on. And when I unfold those pages, I get to see how the 4th column turn the second and third column into a line. It's an amazing thing.

I'm my number one resentment was towards my dad.

He never hugged me, he never told me he loved me. He never showed up at the game. He wasn't the dad I thought it would be.

All true and it affected me in those seven areas. All true. But when I got down and I asked God to show me where I was, self, self seekingness, honest and afraid and I look for my faults, my blame, my mistake. I saw that I was selfish and I never really considered where my dad was coming from and I was expecting him to do something that he was never raised to do. My grandmother never hugged my dad, never said that she loved him, and here I am wanting my dad to do that.

My dad didn't show up at the game because he had a JOB,

he was making money so I had food to eat. And then I started to realize that myself seeking lifestyle and my dishonesty drove my dad did not want to be around me and to not say he loved me and to not hug me. And I finally saw that the problem in my dad's relationship wasn't my dad, it was me.

That's the reality of it. And I got free. I write all these resentment. I see all of these truths. It's amazing because when you look at all these blocks, I got 488 people. Let's just say there's, we'll round it up. 500 say I've got 3 resentments towards each of these people. I now have 1500 items I've got to look at. Then I've got to look at 7 areas. I'm Asian, but I don't do math 1500 * 7 is a lot.

And then I've got to look at these four areas and how that you're talking thousands of blocks from God.

And that's just a resentment inventory. We haven't talked about pure inventory, sex inventory, right? And people say what's so important about inventory, inventory. I, I spent a lot of time in retail and inventory.

Everybody would come in, count all the stuff. And if all we did was count all the stuff and found out we were wrong and if that's all we did, the business would go under. The real work of inventory is fixing it. The work that's done after you take inventory when you have to reconcile and set right the wrongs right.

I fist that.

I like that it says person or persons. I was heavily encouraged to read to more than one person. I read inventory. It says you can read. I've read my last, I don't know, 6-7 inventories to my wife. People say, how can you do that? Well, the big book says it. It says you can read each word. You can't share with something or share something with her that's going to hurt her. You save that for someone else to be unaffected. And then I got a guy saying you can't do that. I asked, well, have you ever read a material wife? Well, no. Well, then you can shut up

'cause you're trying to tell about something you haven't done, and I don't care about your opinion about this because I've done it, and then they get mad at me. Last name's Chun. Put me on your inventory if you ever write 1, right?

The good thing for me about reading inventory to multiple people in the exact nature of my wrongs is the more I read it, the less power it has. I read it to another person, less power, it has less. And so now when I get to amends and I have to sit in front of them, and now I'm reading where my faults, my blame, my mistakes are, it isn't the second time I've gone over it. It's the eighth time. And now I get to enjoy the amends because I'm not nervous about what I'm telling you. All this stuff started to make sense. The reality, everything started to come into focus.

I read my inventories. I get it at 6:00 and 7:00. And it's interesting because Six isn't about willingness. It talks about being ready. Are you now ready, Williamson? Ready are two separate things. Willingness is an internal thing. I'm willing to do something right. Ready is. Am I externally prepared? I always use the stupid analogy. I I'm entirely willing to fly an F16 fighter plane.

Totally willing. I am so not ready.

I don't know where you put the key in. I don't know which pedals, the GAS, I don't know. But I would gladly do it right So you can be willing and not ready. But the other side of that is you can be ready and not willing. One day, bunch of sober buddies and I went out to this place and the spirited go skydiving

to weekend course jump schools. First day, a second day, you fly up in a perfectly good plane, you jump out of it.

I go through jump school, everything is great. We spend the night. Sunday, we get to jump out of a plane with a parachute on. I know exactly what to do. I am entirely ready to jump out of a plane and I'm not willing to do it. No, no, no, no, no, no.

It was too windy that day, and they gave us all these coupons to come back. I'm like, oh, man, I really wanted to go. No.

The interesting thing about willingness, though, is that the more ready I become, the more willing I am. My friend Jeff talked about he, he relayed this experience of I wasn't ready to do this meeting at work, didn't know the material, didn't know what's going on. But as I got the information and I studied and I prepared myself and I did my PowerPoint and I got everything right, the more ready I became, the more willing I was to do it.

That's where the key comes in, being ready in terms of this book is have you answer all the questions? Have you done all the suggestions? Have you done what's in this book? Because if you haven't, shame on your sponsor. It's not your fault. It's not right. Like Cliff said, this is all about sponsorship. That's was a whole deal. I'm so thankful to the men who spent countless hours making sure that I'm doing this

by the book, and I mean that by the book. I get to roll on to step 7

and it's interesting because step 7 says can he now take them all all my character defects and I used to think can he now take them all means do I believe God can now remove my character defects. So in 1986, I was a self-employed transportation

logistics project manager of narcotics, and

one night

I'm working and

Officer Royce pulls me over. Officer Royce knows me and he came up to my car. I rolled my window down. He said Miss Johnson, Officer Royce, he said, can I search your car?

Officer Voice wasn't asked me if I believed he had the ability to search my car. He was asking me, are you going to give me permission to do this? Are we going to do this the hard way? That's what that statement means. Can he now take them all or am I going to fight this deal right? It's amazing because I used to think why do they put give all this good and bad to God? Can I keep my good stuff right?