The Primary Purpose group in Oslo, Norway

Rob, was it? Hi. Do you understand Norwegian? No. Do we have anyone is all right? Well, I can't either. I speak Swedish.

Do we have anyone that could translate? Maybe? No, It's OK. OK. Great. Well, very welcome. My name is Jonas. I'm an alcoholic. I'll do this half in English and half in Swedish. Maybe.

First of all, thank you Ardnor for asking me in such a short notice.

I will try to make justice to Turbion, who is going to be here this night, but I'm not sure if I can reach his standards.

I'm very grateful for a A and for this group in particular. This is my Home group

and has been my Home group for almost as long as I have been sober. My sobriety date is November 22nd, 2004. So with God's will and your help,

I'll be 10 years in. Not so long.

Well anyway, I was having dinner at a very dear friend of mine

when I got the call from

Ardnor. I helped her to change the tires on the car. So I got a dinner back and I was at hers having dinner when my Arnold called. And she has a daughter, 5-6 years old. And

I was like, ah, OK. I asked Arnold, do you have a theme for me tonight? And I said, oh, you can talk about anything. So I asked this little girl, six years old, if you were going to talk in front of people, what were you going to talk about? She goes.

I'll talk about how it is to eat sweets.

OK,

OK

and then I will go got interested so I said hold that thought. I'll just get a pen and paper and I'll I'll you know

what does sweet make you sweet? How do you react to sweets?

And she says I get just this perfect crazy.

I spread,

I'm standing on my head in the sofa. Maybe I break a window and jump, jump out and

I go, you know, doing cool. A bitter somersaults. Yeah, I was like, OK, good. I can. I can relate to that.

And how does it feel when you had the sweets

then? She says.

Then I feel I need to be a little bit on my own and I'm very thirsty. I'm drunk.

I'm dry in my mouth.

I was like, OK, I can relate to that.

So

sweets, alcohol, blah blah. It's maybe it's not. So I, I, I got my start there. And also I want to congratulate someone with six month.

Very nice and a special congratulations to you. It's been a privilege to know you all these years,

very much.

So where to start

was what happened and how it is today?

As you know, I grew up in a pretty normal, crazy home. My father was an alcoholic, my mother was

120% codependent, and I was there somewhere in the middle. And I remember when I was four, I decided that I will not be able to trust other people. Something in me said it wasn't their fault, it was just me, my way to react. I said I fucking had it with that shit. I'm going to solve my own problems.

And I solved it by being aggressive,

filling a hole in my stomach, hole in my heart.

I peed in my bed till I was seven. I always got in a fight. I had this, you know, special clip coach for young psychological. You know, I had to sit in this cage playing with toys and be watched by psychologists or psychiatrists, and they didn't see a major problem in me. And, you know, I had some friends and everything.

Um, so I had my first drink. I started late, I think nine years old

didn't didn't really do it for me. But then when I was 14 I started drinking. I got my first really drunk and then I was drunk once a week

until I was 16 and from there I was drunk twice a week. And when I was 16 1/2 I tried drugs for the first time

and

it didn't really do it for me. Like ah, it was more of a friend thing. But then when I, I don't know when I kind of when alcohol became this instant relief. I don't know when that happened,

but I know when it happened, when I felt that I needed to be alone a little while and I I was drying my mouth. That was about 17 years old.

And then from there on I started drinking more and more. I was pretty good at school. I had friends all over, many girlfriends, not as in girlfriends, but friends that were girls.

And I hang out with the cool guys, I hang out with the geeks. I was in the middle in school.

The military service did very well, did special forces, became an officer and everything. I had everything working for me. I, you know, I graduated from university, came in, worked in the financial business in Stockholm. I had a couple years in the States and I had everything working for me. But then partying started taking over more and more. I had this constant,

constant dissatisfaction going around all over.

The the the longing for more.

What I know now, what I didn't know then. It was a thirst, a spiritual thirst.

It was not a thirst

for alcohol in particular, it was the thirst for being a whole person,

being something that belonged to

being a part of instead of being

departed or off parted or whatever.

So how it really ended, I'm sure you've heard this story before. I lost my job, I lost my car, I lost my apartment, I lost everything, and I lost my girlfriend and I was totally devastated. I didn't know where to go. I thought I was in love, but it showed that I was really not in love. I was just afraid of being alone.

So this was

summer of 2004. So I googled retreat. I found this yoga retreat and I thought OK, that's going to solve all my problems.

So I went to this hardcore yoga retreat with Swami Yanakananda in small and I came straight out of a out of a wedding.

And

it was,

it was, I'll tell you, it was a new experience. I came there in a suit to this yoga retreat. I parked my car that I borrowed on the in front of the the house and I honked 2 times. I wanted to make it great. Great entrance outcomes. This guy in orange clothes.

I was like what the fuck? OK, so I parked my car and they stripped me over everything except for some clothes.

And, you know, two weeks later

time Khalid or Tishnad or everything, I came out and I came in there searching for new lights and I came out with a new light in my eyes. I totally detoxed and totally knew. And I knew how to yoga and I knew how to meditate and levitate and, you know, be close to whatever you're supposed to be close to.

And I had this light for about 5 minutes after release.

But during those 5 minutes

I managed to

I managed to come up with some pretty crazy things. I was so much

obsessed by this girl that I lived with in Stockholm who now had moved to Norway because she was from here. She moved back and I called her every day and blah, blah, blah. And then I came out from there and I called her up and I said, you know what? If you show, if you watch this TV show now, I promise I will never call you again,

she said. Is this sure? Is this a promise? It is a promise,

she said. Sweet deal. And hung up on me

and I was warming my way into this TV show and I had this huge sign with me and I was standing there like this. And this is broadcasted in Norway, in Sweden, in Denmark, in Finland. And I was standing there like this. There's 20,000 people there. And everybody around me is like oh poor bastard. And on this sign it said her name and it said

please come back. I miss you so.

I was totally doing it for making fool out of myself.

But you know how how obsession of the mind works? You do whatever you can to get out of this

empty longing. Whatever you do, whatever you can.

And I thought she was my solution. And just before that, I thought the yoga retreat was my solution. And I've been thinking that alcohol had been my solution all the time.

And she thought it was very romantic

so, and I kept my promise. I didn't call her back, but she called me and she said, hey, you want to come over to Norway and say hello? So I got invited to Norway.

I'm very good at manipulating people even still,

so I managed to manipulate her inviting me back to Norway and I came back here and we had a very good time for about 90 minutes. And then for the rest of the weekend, both she and I knew why she moved back to Norway and I was in Stockholm.

So I went back to Stockholm and I continued my partying

and I parted pretty, pretty good. And after

three day long party on my own

in my

apartment with no furniture in it,

I had, you know,

I had had it, I thought I was going to shoot myself in the head and I had my rifle still. And during this time I've been convicted to jail and I've been, you know, everything just went down the drain. And I I had this kind of what you call the criminal logic, the criminal, they make a small psychological

profile on you. If I was able to keep my guns and keep my my hunting rifles and keep my driving's license and everything. And these two socio Norma, I think it's called, I was like, yeah, sure. And they said this guy doesn't have a problem.

I was able to keep my driving license and my guns.

So I was just sitting there. I was loading my gun and I my rifle and I was going to shoot myself in the head and I was like,

this is going to hurt.

And I didn't have enough friends to come for my funeral.

You know, I knew it was going to be messy. So what I do I call my dad

and I said that fucked up

and he had been sober for

1st 14 years and then they relapsed and then you know, came back and it's been sober.

So he's old in the game

and he said to me,

Sun over the phone. Sun

That's a final solution to a temporary problem.

Drink a bottle of gin and go to sleep.

I was like,

okay, so we hang up

and I drank what I had and went back to sleep or went back. I went to sleep the day after. We kind of agreed that I needed treatment. So I went into treatment and I was in treatment for 10 days. So I've been in treatment for 10 days and I've been sober for 10 days. And I've been, you know, and then I get a call from Norway

saying are you sitting down?

Yes, I am. Good, because you're going to be a father,

looks like. And my first reaction to that was not. Oh great. I'm really looking forward to this.

How, how, how wonderful

my reaction to that was. How can you do this to me? Do you know what kind of situation I'm in?

Yeah, I know.

You know what she said then.

I don't want you to be part of it.

Looks like what

on it, You know,

I talked to my sponsor about it and he said, well, you've been a part of it. It's, you know, you've been there, you've been doing this and now you, if you want to be a part of it, you better work on it.

OK. So I was going to go here and I was going to go here. And so I had 28 days sober. I went, picked up my dog that I had and I left it in Stockholm and then I drove over here and

make things right.

I'm sorry I got a new boyfriend.

You know how anxiety feels,

you know, you know the real deal. Anxiety. We cannot breathe really. When things really, really aren't that good in your life

or sober, you have a family, you have you know, you have people that love you, you have food, you're invited to a new year, sober New Year's Eve party, but nothing is good. You know, that kind of anxiety.

And I said, oh fuck, I'm going to go to meeting. And I went to this. I was going to go to this AA meeting that was on Girina Laka. It was between Christmas and New Year's, but

you know, alcohol. Alcoholism apparently takes vacation during Christmas. So it was closed

and then it really hit me and I was walking down this street on green alert. I can't remember what it's called. Never.

And the lights were going like this. It was like, you know, fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I was like

and I called my sponsor. I had a sponsor

and he said, and I said to him, you know what, fuck this, I'm not doing it. I'm gonna go and have a glass of wine.

And he said, you know what? Is there a church nearby? I don't know. If you find one, see if it's open. And I found one. It was open. I went down in it and I sat down on the 3rd row and I was crying. I was crying. And I begged. I I prayed for two things,

willingness and

really and till it trust, Willingness and trust. That was the only thing I begged on or prayed for.

I was sitting there crying and they were packing him up. Packing it up after after this

concert and this, you know, this little lady comes up to me like this one,

she said. Hey,

can see you're hurting, like,

yeah. And what's up?

And in 45 seconds I managed to give her my life story. Today I have what, 45 minutes? And I'm not going to be able to anyway. And she said, I get it, I get it.

Is it OK if I pray for you?

OK, I, I, I was in no position to say no.

And I said yes, and she prayed.

For me,

for the unborn child, and for my ex.

She wished us well and happiness and joy

and she left and she says I think this is going to be alright.

And I walked down to there

with it owns more of integrity

arms, more of

feeling OK. And then I called my sponsor again,

and he said, now Jonas may not tell this woman that you're going home to Stockholm. Come home, Celebrate New Year's Eve with us.

And that I did.

Today. Me and my ex are living 150 yards apart. I have my daughter 50% of the time and we have a wonderful relationship, the three of us.

She was right, that old woman.

But then again,

I think it was art nor who said it. God does not work here.

I do. I work here. You do. But God does not work here. I don't know if it was you, but someone

so I have to do the work

all the time.

It's not,

it's not like I can sit on my ass and hoping for the steps coming in into my body like through osmosis. And I'm like

great. I'm sober and it's fun and I'm great and I'm doing service and I'm having sponsees and

exactly

like the court, just put the plug in the jug and then you're done with it. It's not like that,

not at all. I need to do this all the time, every day of my life.

But I love it.

That's a lie. I don't. Not every day,

not yesterday. I was on the phone with a with a friend

and she was like, So what you're doing? Well, I was just out

shopping some breakfast. It's like what the I'm not shopping for breakfast. I have a bag of chips and some Cokes in the bag. I'm going to go home and I'm going to eat chip. No, I'm not. I'm buying chips and Coke because I'm going to go home and sit down and watch a video. She's like, OK,

she doesn't have that automatic light in her. It's like, well, what did you say? You were shopping for breakfast?

Well, I had to say. Well, I felt embarrassed not to have any breakfast at home.

Like very, very,

very special. And then I moved to Norway anyway and I did the steps with a hardcore sponsor. And I am the kind of person that

I cannot be patted on the back saying that this is gonna be alright, you're gonna be fine, Come back next week. I'm not at all.

I've been to one meeting or I've been to, I think I've been crying at three meetings in my life.

And one of those meetings were in the beginning

and I was, I was getting all this attention from all the girls at the meeting. It's like, oh,

let's cry some more,

giving me napkins and you know it's going to be all right. And then this idiot comes up

and he just Pats me on the back and he goes,

dude, it'd be better when you stop self loathing.

Happy New Year.

Are you kidding me?

But he was right.

I remember this other thing. I was at this meeting and I wasn't sober yet. And I, I came to this meeting and I, I taught my shit. I used the meeting. I said waste bin. And I was just like, it's his fault. It has her fault. Then every blah, blah, blah, it's the police blah, blah, blah, blah. And then there's a woman comes up to me and she says, you know, Jonas, we're not very interested in about hearing your shit

until you want what we have. Don't come back here.

Don't waste our time.

I was like,

ain't this for everybody?

I got the right to be here.

Yeah, but then follow the rules. Do what we do. It's a monkey see, monkey do business. It's just the trick is to choose the right monkey.

If you choose the right monkey, you'll be alright. If you do what the right monkey does, you'll do just fine.

And then I have this other thing. I called my sponsor up. I had two years of sobriety

and I said to him and he was in a meeting and I said to him on the you need to call me now, call me now. Bye. And he, you know, listen, he called me up and I

gave in my problem,

he said which was number problem at all, of course. And he said, Jonas,

you have two years of sobriety and I have my own life to run. Please don't bother me with this again. Goodbye.

I was like, you don't really understand.

I don't think you've been in this deep shit that I have been.

He understood precisely what he was doing. He knew exactly he was. He was teaching me how to live. So then I called another friend in the fellowship because I needed to debrief about what kind of an asshole my sponsor is.

And I was having lunch with him and I was talking my bad mouth, my sponsor. And after having done that for a while, he said,

Jonas, I find this very interesting.

I hear very much about your sponsor and very little about you. And the most interesting thing is that you bad mouth a guy and a fellowship that saved your life.

And that was two things in one day.

I was like, Oh no,

whatever really do I need? Do I really need this?

I don't know.

And I moved here to Norway. And then I was blessed to be sober and have my sponsor and have my friends and everything. And I, I found this group to become my Home group.

And I was lucky to be here from the beginning. And sometimes it was only me and sometimes we were three people and sometimes we were five. And if we were over 10, we were like,

is this really happening?

If we were this many in the beginning, it is like, oh, no, this is not happening. This was huge for his speakers. Evening today is like, what, 25 people? It's just pretty normal

and it's been a it's been a great, great journey in sobriety for me.

I,

I think what has kept me sober is that I still feel like a newcomer.

I I still feel

like I don't know anything.

When I talk to Ellen sometimes and I see what he's done in his life. I'm like,

where am I?

May I speak to Agnor or people with just, you know, two months sobriety? They got more wisdom than I ever will have.

So

and, and, and for me it's, it's very important to really

remember my first step because without it, nothing else matters, Nothing else can be achieved if not really, really accepting the first step. That is what I think.

And then I also am very what, what, what's the time

back? 12 minute, 2 minutes more maybe.

And what I really, really, really want to stress is the principle of anonymity.

It's not just that we come here and we're anonymous,

it's the principle of becoming anonymous towards my own feelings and my own fears.

Am I going to let my own fears

decide

if I will let somebody come in here who doesn't have a sponsor? And am I going to let my own fear of rejection

stopping me from approaching him or her and saying, hey, do you need help?

Principles before personalities.

That's what anonymity for me is,

that we really dare stand up for our principles.

Let me say that what we see and feel

instead of saying what we think is right.

I, I have many times

messed up doing sobriety and I still do and I'm in the middle of a big mess up right now.

I'm not proud about it or over it, but you know, it's what it is. It will end in a crash, but I'm used to it. I crash every 3rd year. So this bleed it's three years is approaching. So I'm going to crash again. But I, I think I learned this much every crash and then I go back to my therapist and, you know, intense my a blah blah.

But still, principles before personalities is so important within a A.

For me,

it's the language of the heart.

It's not the language of the mind.

And I love this and I hope you love this.

And if I love it, I want to keep it.

If I want to keep it,

I need to be honest with it. And to be honest with it means taking actions

and something might be wrong. And I hope that you take actions when you suit that I'm wrong or anyone else.

Yeah, I could go go along about what alcoholism is and blah, blah, blah, but I'm sure there would be many speakers talking about that later on.

I'm very happy for this opportunity to be here at my Home group speaking and

I don't know what you think about me and I don't care, but I love you. Thank you. Thank you.