The ‘Big Book Audio’ Tuesday night 9th anniversary meeting in Bournemouth, UK

A little bit carried away with myself, so I need to tone it down a bit, calm down a bit and relax a little bit. So really nice to be here a little bit out of the book. Always good to try a bit out of the book. We of Cocaine Anonymous are more than thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of men and women who have recovered,

who have recovered from a home, from thank you, thank you,

thank you from a hopeless state of mind and body. To show other addicts precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book. It's the main purpose of this book. It's great to be sat here in what I believe to be

the greatest literature based meeting of Cocaine Anonymous in the whole fellowship. Come on,

yes, not Missy obvious and let's not miss what this is about. This is a celebration of a meeting that's been going for nine years on the back of the big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous on the back of the big Book again and again and again the study of re study of the big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now

love the big book and not the deal is this is our programme. This is where it comes from. This is our basic text and I was lucky enough to stumble into this meeting right early once when a when a little bunch of really

really nutty off key CA members had already started going.

Brian's the one there.

Could see it was guys like that that got this ready for me when I got here. I think they knew I was coming

and I think they knew what I needed. And what I needed was I needed a really, really clear interpretation of our 12 steps in our program. And I got that through this big book, through good sponsorship and through this meeting, through the study of the big Book. And, and it's been a while since I've drank or used and I still study the Big Book. I still get involved in Big Books study meetings. And trust me when I say I've read it a couple of times.

I know what's in it,

but but this is important. So

a little bit about me. I do you know what I kind of used to make apologies for my friends. I've got a lot of friends who have heard my story loads of times. So it's going to be nothing new. You know what's coming. You know you're going to get bored. Put up with it as much as you can and leave quietly if it gets too much. That's all because I've only got one story. I've only got one story. I,

I remember the first time I used the first time I drank.

I remember the last time. And it's not, it's not a requirement, it's not even important. It makes absolutely no difference. It just happens. I mean, I forgot most of the stuff in the middle, but I remembered the beginning and I remembered the end in the beginning. For me was was

Christmas. My dad was a was a come from the North East good drinking man all his life. Not quite sure if he was one of us or not. If he was, he functioned really well.

But but good, good, good Geordie drinking guy and I remember him filling me up with Sherry 111 Christmas and

I kind of passed out when the Wizard of Oz was on. I remember. And when I come to there was there was a, there was a program on the Tele called Sale of the Century from Norwich. It's the quiz of the week and I remember coming to to that

and, and feeling horrific, like

everything nasty. But somewhere in the back of me going, I'm going to do it again, I'm going to do it again, I'm going to do it again. And I did and I and I kind of, and I did for years. And the last time, the last time I used I was in one of Her Majesty's hotels over on the Isle of Wight, a little place called Camp Hill

and someone's taxi 10 mine anymore and I was in over in Camp Hill and and my cellmate had got I was doing gear. I was doing not heroin by then a lot. I wasn't doing a lot of heroin. I was doing pissy little amount of heroin. My cellmate had got this this prison Joey, And for those of you who've never been in a prison, because that ain't a requirement either. It's just over the crap criminal and always ended up in there.

A prison bag of heroin bears absolutely no resemblance

to a street bag of heroin in any way. In in size and shape, in substance, they're two totally different beasts. But anyway, he got, he got this little prison bag of heroin and he got his little bit of foil, bit of Kit Kat rapper and he smoothed it all out and he with an angle and he lays it and he got some prison butter and he smeared some butter over it. Got it.

Like a mirror,

like a mirror dazzling. And, and he, and he put this little prison bag on there and it kind of went,

if you caught it in the right light, you just see it. And, and he went, went like that. And he did a line. And I thought he's my man because we're buddies, because we've been in the same cell for three days now. He's going to give me a line in a minute.

He did another line and I thought he's building up to it.

You did another line.

He did another line,

needed another line, and then it was gone

and my little heart sank. And then, in what I can only describe as a fit of strange generosity, he handed me the tube.

I knew I loved this man

and I unravelled it very gently and I looked at it and, and I got it by the light and, and I could see a bit of colour just in the middle of it.

I got his little taper. I got it all ready and I lit it and I got over it like that.

I touched a bit of flame to it

and in a flash of butter and nasal hair,

it was over. It was.

And that was like my using and drinking for years and years and years. When I first come here and you guys used to tell me your stories, I used to think I'd still be out there.

It sounds amazing. That wasn't my experience. It was pretty. It's very best. At its peak it was mediocre and the rest of it was was not quite so good.

I start off with drink. I grew up in,

in the West Country. And again, no apologies if you've heard it too many times ago, because I have. And, and where I grew up, there was a lot of cider farms in that area. And, and there was one particular cider farm in a place called Slimbridge, very close to where I lived. And, and it was run by, did you not? It was run by a guy who went by the name of Wobbly Bob.

And for 50 pence you could buy a gallon,

a gallon of Wobbly Bobs Widowmaker.

And I learned at a really early age that when I put Wobbly Bob's Widowmaker into my body, several things happened.

Some of them weren't so pleasant. And anybody that drank real rough cider will know what I mean. You get to make splits, split second decision skills really quickly, really quickly, because things happen quick.

Because see, Rough Cider ain't got no business in the human body and it'll do everything in anything it can to get out and it does. But another thing Wobbly Bob's Widow Maker used to do for me, and I didn't know what it was then,

but I heard about it when I come here, it gave me what you guys called a sense of ease and comfort.

I didn't know what was wrong. I just knew when I was full of Wobbly Bobs Widowmaker, it was all right and all right was good enough. And, and, and I went for years doing that with one thing or another, with one thing or another. And the way it happened to me is

anybody that was near me started to suffer as a result of me and as a result of my behaviours. And it didn't.

It didn't really make any difference who it was or how much I loved them. I have a real,

a real issue with people who talk about people like me and say, well, you wouldn't have done that if you loved them or you wouldn't have done that if you cared about them. I, I can, I understand why they say it, but they're, they're idiots. See, they don't understand the condition that I suffer from, the illness that I suffer from. Nobody

understood it until I come here, until I come to Cocaine Anonymous and started telling you guys

and instead of walking out the room and turning away and avoiding me, you started smiling at me and started nodding and started going. Yeah, we get that. We get that. That's why I know I'm in the right place. That's why I ain't going nowhere. That's why I've discovered the easier, softer option is in the rooms of Cocaine Anonymous and not out there. There aren't a single God damn person I've come across who's gone out there, relapsed and come back and went Dubbo. Do you know what?

It was amazing out there. The gear has got incredible. The bags are massive

and the crack, my God, it's never happened. It's never happened. This is where it's at.

So people would kinda they, they, they, they just suffered. Irrespective of how much I loved them.

I couldn't do anything about it

and I knew it was wrong. My dear old Nan, my, my dear old nan brought me up. She's been gone a long time now. Loved her with all my heart.

Believe me when I say When I was climbing through the window in her old people's home to steal her money from under her mattress, I knew it was wrong. There wasn't a quiet voice in the back of my head going out. This is a bad idea. There was a screaming voice in the front of my head going, you going, you fucking idiot, what are you doing? And I couldn't stop, couldn't stop. I couldn't stop. I was compelled to do whatever was necessary to get my next

on my next track and that kind of went on and on and on and on. And I kind of, I tried a job I didn't take to work very well. I kind of realised quite soon that wasn't for me. I tried a wife, she didn't take to me very well. She quickly realised he's not for me.

Children, you know the stuff and

and again and again, again. See, I didn't know about selfishness, self-centeredness. I didn't know about an illness that that was in in me and in my very core and centred in myself. I knew nothing about this till I come here and you guys told me. So I went on and on and on and, and

I would get up. A day for me would be I,

yeah, I would walk

14 miles to the nearest town.

I would waddle into the local Tesco's or Asda or somewhere like that. Seven and a half, eight stone.

I would waddle out bandy legged 13 1/2 stone with bacon and cheese secreted in places where God never intended bacon and cheese to be. I would mooch off out. I would score a bag. I would do it. I would go back in and do another cheese and bacon run.

I would come back. I would get another bag.

I would walk 40 miles back home. I would do the bag and save a spoon wash for the morning. I would try and go to bed. I would get back up at 2:00 in the morning, do the spoon wash, go back to bed. In the following day, I would get up and I would do it again and again and again.

And this just went on and on. And I didn't know you were here. I didn't know about Cocaine Anonymous. I didn't know about the 12 steps. I kind of knew God was kicking about. And I've always been pretty cool with him. But we were kind of singing off a different sheet because every time I prayed to him, I still ended up in jail. And every time I prayed to him, the gear was still shit. And every time I prayed to him, a man who said, yeah man, I'll soon. Palm didn't

and I'd wait

15 minutes. I hope he's alright.

I spend another 10 P of his tenor. I'm down to £9.50 now.

You'd be going. I can't see you now

thinking I can answer you.

I would hate him with a passion till the 2nd he turned up.

Are you doing Mrs. All right? The kids all right? Can't remember their names, but I'm sure he's got some. Oh, great to see you. Yeah, yeah. Sweet, sweet. Yeah. Nice.

And this sort of thing used to happen a lot with me as well. I would get the gear in my hand after hours of rattling, after hours of feeling terrible, I would get the gear in my hand and I would feel better instantly. Instantly. It's not even in my system. It's not even out the rapper

and I'm starting to feel better. All of a sudden I got a spring in my step and off I go.

And again, my my, my using typical, typical of my using a typical I'd I'd off, I'd scurry. By this time, everyone and anyone who got near me has had the sense to get out of dodge has has has self preservations cut in and they're gone. And thank God they, they had a sense to do that.

And, and I'm, I'm kind of living on the streets. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm down the road in Southampton and, and I've just scored an off ice scuttle. And I'll run off to my favorite block of flats and down into the stairwell in the bottom, in the bottom and, and again so many times get my little, get my nice little hit kit out and my little, little lay it all out. And yeah,

OCD to hear Roy up there. And

and I'd rip open the little wrap.

Now, I'm not the sharpest tool in the box, nor do I profess to be, but I do have a degree, a tiny degree of sense occasionally, occasionally. And as I crack it open, I think.

Smells a bit like oxtail soup. That does

still. Never mind 'cause there's no way in the world it can be. Because my man, who I've now known for three whole days, wouldn't do that to me. Wouldn't do that to me. Not me. He knows who I you know.

I put it on the spoon and

packet. I would a bit citric

some water in there, start cooking it and as I'm cooking this gear the smell of oxtail soups getting stronger and stronger.

I'm starting to think of crispy croutons and stuff like that subliminal going on,

but I'm thinking it's alright 'cause it's good gear, 'cause it's nice and thick.

Up here for thinking, down here for dancing, and I

pull it in very carefully.

The reality for me is I'm stood in a stairwell in a block of flats in the middle of Saint Mary's in Southampton, with my pants around my ankles, injecting fucking oxtail soup into my groin,

still thinking it'll be alright. And still thinking, well, it probably is oxtail soup. But he must have had to cut it with that. He must have had anything. They'll be gear in here.

Just just pitiful. Absolutely pitiful.

And those were the better days. Those those were the ones when I was kinda. Yeah. Do you know I'm doing alright? Yeah, it ain't that bad. The number of times I said to myself, it ain't that bad

and I would waddle back in, I would, I would waddle back into the town and again, those who've heard it, please, I don't apologise. Go or or go like that. I'd waddle back into tank. I had.

I love the Blues. I love Blues music. And there's, there's an old Blues guitarist called Robert Johnson who was

phenomenal in, in Blues music, phenomenal. And he was a real wreck head. And he and he was an alcoholic and he was a druggie and he died young and all, and had had this, have this, have this, had this delusion of, of, of kind of an old Blues musician. And so I do drugs and I drink. But man, I got music in my soul.

I might look white, but deep down I'm a black man.

Got the Blues

now. The issue with the problem I have with that is I'm absolutely tone deaf and can't play a damn instrument. But I managed to procure, I managed to steal a penny whistle and I went off, trotted off to the council in Southampton with my penny whistle and got a buskers licence

which was free.

You don't have to play a note, you don't have to pay. Just actually, I want to boss, you know when you give me a So now I'm a certified musician,

government instrument, and I've got a license to say I'm a musician.

And what I would do my towards the end, the only way I could earn money, I couldn't steal anymore. I can shoplift anymore. I was crippled, crippled with fear. All the shops knew me and just soon as I walked in, just just come up to me like that

and everywhere I walked around the shop just followed me like that.

Stay here as long as you want. We're just going to follow you around the shop. It's an easy day for us.

So I decided as we start, start, start start busking and let share my gift.

I use it with the world and I got this penny whistle and, and and I would sit there day after day and play it again and again and again.

Unfortunately, some would say the tragedy of my musical career

was I could only play one goddamn tune.

1-2 Nassau. And I now know that the God that I know is a funny guy and he's got an amazing sense of humour because the one tune he gave me was The Great Escape

and I would sit there

day after day after day.

And again and again and again. And if somebody come by, if somebody walked by and chucked a couple, I had an old manky flat cap on the floor.

If they choked a couple of coppers in there. Ah, the love. The love I would feel for these people. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Jesus loves you,

but if somebody didn't,

If somebody dared to walk by

and steal my gift to them,

steal my music,

the hatred,

the resentment, the evil black bitterness I would feel for these people was phenomenal.

They just walked by me. That's all they did. They just walked by me and I would plan. I would work out in my head. I would how I was going to I was going to track them. I was going to follow them home. I was going to find where these lowlife live, these thieves of my gift,

and I was going to wait till 3:00 in the morning. I was going to smash every window out of their kin house and make them pay for what they've done to me

because they'd all done it to me.

Thank you. Thank you.

And this went on and on and on. So mental. It's unbelievable. And I didn't see a thing wrong with that.

See, one of the things that I've done since the day I came to Cocaine Anonymous is I have remained passionate about service in our fellowship. I heard somebody say really early on in my recovery, if you're not giving back to the fellowship of your choice in service, then you might just be a thieving little fucker.

And I thought

that's a bit harsh. You don't even know me.

He knew me so well.

He knew me so well. And I've always remained active in service and I've always given back because I didn't know you were here. Nobody told me. Nobody told me,

so I did it again and again and again.

And the way it happened for me, I mean, I didn't know.

I couldn't see it anymore. I was so wrapped up in myself. I was so crippled with fear, crippled with anxiety, paralyzed with it. So, so in the dark, so scared, so alone. So, so, so hopeless.

Couldn't see it anymore. Couldn't see it anymore. And what happened with me is I, I got into, I got into a fight not because I'm a good fighter, but because I'm a really, really, really, really crap runner.

And as a result of this fight, I ended up going to jail.

And this is where it changed for me. What happened is

a little while after the incident with the butter and the nasal hair,

one of one of the people in the jail come up to me and said

Dobbo. This is a situation,

he said. If you get involved in some sort of recovery,

there is a possibility,

echo possibility, you'll get parole. And at that very moment, I decided I was to become a recovery God.

I was going to get this book here and I was going to study here

so that I could quote lines, page numbers, and I could talk about the obsession and the malady and, oh, powerlessness. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, hell of a thing. Hell of a thing.

God's what you need in your life. Yes. Yes,

hell of a thing. Hell of a thing,

and this is the important thing and this is the truth.

Not because I wanted to recover,

but because I wanted to use.

I did not come here to recover,

I came here to use.

And what happened to me is you bunch of sneaky little

fellows

wound me in with your spiritual trickery.

See, you didn't say shit like keep coming back.

You said things like stay,

you didn't say things like it'll be alright.

You said things like how you're fucked,

you, you need to do something about this because you're in trouble.

And you didn't turn away from me

no matter what. You didn't turn away from me. You put up with my big book thumping. You put up with my shouting, you put up with my quotes. You put up with my constant fucking ramblings about the history and about this and the other. And you just kept saying stay here, stay with us, you'll be all right. Stay with us, you'll be all right.

See anything else,

I'd have probably went, I'd have probably legged it. But what you did is for the first time

for years, for the first time since Wobbly Bob's Widowmaker, I felt alright.

I felt it was alright. Of course I felt uncomfortable. Of course I felt scared. Of course I wondered if I was in the right place. But deep down, deep down, you guys touched me and held on to me sufficiently enough for me to stay. Bill Wilson talks about talked about a thing called the language of the heart,

and that's what you did to me. And he said when we share that, when we share the language of the heart is absolutely,

absolutely unmistakable, we link. We link with each other.

That's what you guys did to me and I stayed here and

and they let me have my parole and I come out and I went into treatment and my journey wasn't typically is anyone in here in treatment?

OK, For those of you in treatment, I absolutely strongly suggest you don't do what I did in treatment. This is really important. Please don't go back tonight and go, that guy in CA said, because this ain't the way to do it. It just happens to have been my my experience.

My experience of treatment was over a / a crowded group therapy room.

Our eyes met

and everybody said that's a bad idea.

We've been married now for years.

Sometimes it seems like about 30 years. We got a beautiful little boy, Jack, and and we're really, really happy. It wasn't textbook, but I'll tell you what was happening at that time.

She was working with a sponsor. Me and another guy I did treatment with, who's still clean and sober today, would go off to the shed at the bottom of this this treatment centre. We get this big book,

we get the 12:00 and 12:00. We'd read through California literature, we'd go to meetings, and we would drag our sorry asses to the Tuesday night Big Book meeting down at Saint Svens roundabout.

Week after week. They give me a commitment there once to have the key.

I've arrived, they give me a commitment. I've got the key. That means without me there ain't no meeting. I'm surely the most important person. Got a key

three weeks in. I forgot the fucking kid. Unbelievable.

And they went cause no drama. Everybody grabbed their big books. We trotted off onto the onto the green up above, above the Cliff tops in Bournemouth. We sat in a big circle and this meeting happened there and then we went round and we read a bit of the big book on the Tuesday night. Big book meeting went on

winter that year, there was power cuts in Bournemouth, all the lights went down, big blackout in Bournemouth. All the people in that group started phoning each other. Everybody turned up with fucking candles.

Set up the candles like this. The more blind among us, like Brian, like this.

We had the meeting Tuesday night. Big book meeting happened.

They give me the commitment for the stereo once as well. They didn't. They can give me it twice.

Forgot that as well. No drama. We'll read the damn thing.

I'll read the thing.

Shelley Rd. Turned up there,

no key can get in. Sat in the car park again. Sat in that dusty old car park outside of there in a circle. People walking by, seeing things like that. Just imagine what the bullet, what

the Cliff tops in Bournemouth, walking past there on a summer's night like this. And there's about, I mean, it was, it was, it was a busy meeting, you know, big round circle of people all like this, big books.

Nobody cared. Nobody cared.

Hundreds, thousands of men and women who have recovered.

See if you want to know what recovered looks like. This is the sort of thing you look for.

This is our meeting. This is our Home group. This meeting is going to happen. Make no mistake, it is going to happen. If we ain't got keys, we'll sit outside. If we ain't got light, we'll bring our own. If we ain't got the tape or the audios,

we'll read it.

After years of listening to The Americans and the original. The original ones that I don't know where the hell Brian gone from but the guy who read it, I swear as he got about 2/3 through the book I think he started drinking again

because didn't he? He's sound pissed towards the end of It

didn't matter. It didn't matter. The meeting happened again and again and again

and, and

I, I swear I don't say this lightly. My recovery was built on those foundations in the beginning, absolutely built on her and, and, and on study of this book because there's a difference between knowing what's in the book quote in the book and studying it. My experiences, the people who have studied this book,

you won't hear I'm talking about it that much.

They'll Chuck it in now and again. Spiritual trickery. They call,

but you won't hear a quote after quote. You'll often go to them for sponsorship. You won't see it. You kind of work.

How do you sponsor them? Sponsor out a big book. Where's where's your big book? I don't need it. There's an there's a wonderful old bed wetter. He died a few years ago. Guy by name of Mark Houston. Real

real cool dude. Real if if you're looking for God's agents,

Mark was one of them, I believe. And he said, if every big book in the world disappeared now,

could you still sponsor?

And he went on to say, if you can't,

you might have no business sponsoring people. Now,

see, what he was talking about was the importance of study, the importance of learning what's in here so that can aid what you're passing on, not so you can just read it to someone. If you're going to just read it to someone, just give them a book and say go and read that and you'll be done. It's not about that. It's about the language of the heart. The language of the heart.

I don't read this book or study this book so I can work through the steps. I read this book and study this book so I can take other people through the steps more effectively,

so I can add to my experience, my personal experience, the experience of hundreds of thousands that have gone before, whose experiences in here

so important. So important. Don't let other people read your big books for you, for fuck's sake. Please,

people. People drop like flies because they think that they'll, they'll be alright 'cause they can quote a couple of things out of the big book and they've listened to five Chris Raymond shares and and and can quote them. Now don't, don't get me wrong, I'm a huge fan of Chris Raymer. I really am. But get your own experience. Get your own experience.

So I come here, I do this stuff,

I drag my sorry ass along to you guys.

I turn up where the likes of Bry have sat up and and they had their little tables in circles and I sit there terrified and you say stay and and I get hooked in with a sponsor and he he loves and cares enough

to deal with me appropriately.

Now appropriately for me might not necessarily be appropriately for the next person, but for me it was our

You really need to shut the fuck up

and just do some stuff because you sound great but you ain't actually doing bugger all. So how about you try and do some stuff as well?

And I did that and my life got different,

mostly good,

very different. And so things started happening and, and, and you know, the wife that I'd found in the treatment centre, someone had said to me about, about looking for a partner or wife for me specifically or a partner in, in, in recovery and in treatment centres. He said that this was before I landed there. He said you need to remember two things and two things only when you're looking for a woman in in in the rooms.

1st,

the odds are extremely good

and I thought nice, I can roll with this one because I'm a kind of guy who likes it. When the odds are good, I'm at advantage, he said. Secondly, the goods are extremely odd.

Please let's remember the anonymity statement we leave here those of you who know my wife.

So that was cool and and what started happening is I work through the steps and I started a constant study working and reworking of the steps through the big book.

And despite myself, I found myself starting to be hopelessly honest.

I started getting halfway through a lie and going oops, sorry, I gotta stop. I'm lying.

Are my aides going? What?

Shush,

I started to get the concept of working for a living

and turning up for work every day and not stealing from the person that I was working for. Now these might seem normal to some people, but this was an alien concept to me. Yet Despite that, I kept doing it, kept doing it, I kept doing it,

kept working and reworking the steps and we started to work through and with my sponsor and, and

for me it was a very quick process. He, he realised that my ass was kind of on fire and I didn't have the luxury of much time. I'd, I'd had a little bit of clean time in the prison. I'd come out with quite a lot of words and page numbers and one liners and, and, and I was kind of sinking fast. They'd done in, in the treatment thing. I've done in, in the jail. They've done a similar job on me as they did to Robin. They kind of like

stay and be a peer mentor for one. Don't mind if I do Hellish. That's step one. Hellish thing. That's the powerlessness.

They put me in a position,

idiots. They put me in a position where I was kind of grade in people's step work on whether they would pass or fail and move on to the next part of the treatment program. I was like 3 months, three months clean and as mad as a badger. Insane. And they were going. You're great. You are.

Well, perhaps I am.

Perhaps I am. And I started working through a statue with my first sponsor and he, he was quite he he, he was quite quick and direct in addressing that issue with me and we had work well. We didn't have words. He had words several

loud, abrupt you're very rude at times words with me and we work through the steps and and kind of went off. We did 1-2 and three and office sent me to do to do do a step for. I said to him, how long, how long have I got?

Thinking 06 months for someone like me because you know, there ain't going to be many resentments. But when I get to my sexual inventory, boy, that's going to take some time.

Reams and reams. That proved to be a liar. So anyway, he said to you, how long do you want to be sick? Because you are, you know, fuck's sake.

So a week later, I sit down with him and, and, and, and, and we kinda go through the process. I remember it vividly. I sat down, I had sheets written out like this and I read through them like that. He sat looking at me, not unlike the way Robin is now, actually. Like, like he knew more than I did. And I felt really uncomfortable read through like that and mumbled a few and then put it down like that and went to the next one. He went

pass me that sheet you just put on the floor.

I'll give it to you when look at that, you've missed one.

Give it back to me and he said, I'll tell you what I'll do to help you with this Al after every sheet. Now when you read it, just give it to me so I can double check you don't miss any.

See, This is why this works. This is why this work. He knew.

He knew how people like me operate because he was people like me. He knew how I just about scraped the courage to put that on there, but couldn't find the faith to speak to him about it. That's why he was there. That's why this is the deal that works. That's why the language of the heart is key to what we do,

key to what we do. So we work through the steps and, and, and I have

worked and reworked the steps since that day constantly, constantly. I'm, I'm very active in sponsorship in all areas, both in people that I sponsor and, and with my sponsor, iPhone him, iPhone him every week Wednesday at 5 iPhone him, simple as that. And it's funny because I seen him last night. We hooked up, we had a cup and we kind of talked for a while and, and as he was going, he said about

phone in tomorrow night, no, Wednesday night. And, and I said, you know what, the chances are nothing in the world's going to have happened,

but I'm going to have a burning desire to phone him on Wednesday night at our five 'cause I do, because it's important to me, because left to my own devices, I cannot be fucking trusted. I just can't be trusted. So I need to have things in place. I need to have a sponsor I'm accountable to. And once in a great while, I mean, I don't remember to phone him because I'm clever at remembering. I remember because I got a reminder on my phone and once in a while,

oh, forget it. And do you know what he does? He'll ring me later. It's the coolest thing in the world that he knows I'll ring. And if I don't, he'll kind of give me a call. You all right? Cool. Just that. Just that. Such a fucking cool deal.

So I work through steps, work and rework steps. What are we doing to

5 past 29? Run out of time

a couple of years ago

my my dad brought me up for a while and threw my drinking and my using. He had the sense to get away from me and, and and did. And for years we had no contact. And a few years into recovery I managed to I managed to track him down, I managed to go and see him and I managed to make amends to him. And it was, it was, as the youth of today say, heavy.

It was heavy. It was an incredible, incredible thing. And

what happened was I got to spend some time with him and it was really, really cool and and then he started getting ill. Like I said earlier, drank all his life, smoked all his life. Stubborn son of a bitch. Geordie come come from just outside Newcastle, sort of hard drinking, pigeon racing, hard smoking Geordie lad.

And eventually it took its toll on him and he started getting I'll and over a period of about a year he got Iller and Iller and it became very apparent that he that he was dying. And I would go back and forwards up to a place called Stroud up by Gloucester where where he lived. I'd go back and forwards up there and I'd go and see him and and and I kind of load him into his wheelchair and I trundle him off rank to the pub and prop him up against the bar in his wheelchair and kind of fill in full of slow gin. His

an insider, which were kind of his his drinks, man of great taste and and get a few drinks in trendling back. And the last time, the last time that I was able to do that, I went went went and got him and loaned him into the wheelchair and trundling him off around the pubs, just just me and him. Michelle and Jack hadn't come up that time and rolling around. He said then

you all right, boy? I said, yeah, yeah. Good, dad, good, good. He said Missus and Jack, all right, Said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Still sober, are you, boy?

Yeah, Yeah, she's still doing that, that 12 steps thingami Jake and that recovery bloody thing And. And leaving the beer alone. Hurry up, I said. Yeah, Dad, yeah, yeah. As I'm trended in the lines got quite old and frail by now. He turned and he looked at me with with this glint in his eye. Greatest fucking deal on earth, he said. Boy said you heard that. Yeah,

said. You're a fucking disgrace to our family. You are my boy.

It's not only us that recover.

It's not only us, our friends, our families, our workmates, our colleagues.