The Stateline Retreat in Primm, NV December 9th

Hi, my name is Chris. I'm an alcoholic.

My spray dates February 5th 1987 and up to of just a few weeks ago my Home group was the W Portland group in Portland, OR. I just moved to San Francisco, so I'm still searching for a Home group, although the 2nd tradition group is doing a kind of a number trying to get me to join them. But

so I got 15 to 20 minutes on share a little bit of what I used to be like, what happened, what I'm like now. I drink for 11 years and for whatever reason, in those eleven years, my disease progressed very rapidly. In those eleven years, I was rested 15 or 16 different times

for alcohol related offences. I had three Duis, went to two treatment centers, was hospitalized for alcohol withdrawal, went to detoxes, was a daily drinker the majority of my drinking career, and then ultimately ended up becoming a daily oblivion drinker. And just to give you guys an idea where my mind can still about five years ago is speaking at a meeting And before I came in to speak, I was thinking about how he's going to start my talk off and I thought, well, I'll go through the kind of the low low lights or highlights and I

went through the list OK, 1516 alcohol related rest 3 Duis used to wet the bed on a regular basis. Black out drinker couldn't hold a job daily Bolivian drinking two treatment centers so forth. When I got to the end of the list, my real quiet voice in my head said, you know, maybe you're not really an alcoholic. And I recoiled from that thought as as if from a hot flame. But

the fact of the matter is, is that was the exact sort of thinking that used to get me drunk

when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous. They told me they talked about the first drink is what gets you. And I know what they mean by that or what they meant by that. But I'm here to say that what happened to me before I took that first drink is what got me. And that was that insanity that preceded the first drink. I never got struck drunk. I always had something in my mind that would convince me that this time is going to be different, no matter what the consequences were, no matter how bad it was. Something in my mind would say,

you know, if you only drink a glass of water in between each drink tonight, then you're going to be OK. And I'd go, yeah, that's it, you know, And you know, anything that did was I wet the bed earlier in the evening than I normally did. But

but, you know, with a sane mind, with a mind that's been have been treated by the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, those things that I used to think of seem really stupid today. Like, you know, a glass of water, drinking only wine coolers, eating a certain type of food or a full meal, whatever it was that was going to fix my drinking seems really stupid. With a sane mind. With a mind that has

undergone a certain

treatment through the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, but in the height of my alcoholism, with an insane mind, it seems like exactly what's the it's the truth. It's the way it is. Of course, Why didn't I think about that before? If I only do this, then I'll be okay.

All my life I was somebody that was uncomfortable in my own skin. I was alienated from seemed like there was me and everybody else in the world, and there was a big barrier between me and everybody else. I had a sense of impending doom, which progressed to an incense of impending insanity. I was just uncomfortable and a certain amount of alcohol gave me relief from that. Certain amount of alcohol made me feel like what I thought other people felt like normally. And if it wasn't for the phenomenon of craving that loss of control that once I

alcohol, if I was somebody, that my magic number was eight to 10 drinks. If I could drink the 8 to 10 drinks and then sip on number 11 and #12 and just maintain what those eight to 10 drinks did for me, I never would have come here. I'd be out there tonight drinking my eight to 10 drinks and then maintaining those effects. I absolutely love the effects produced by alcohol. It's what allowed me to become the person I always wanted to be and allow me to participate in life in a way that I saw people, normal people doing just normally.

Anyway, fast forwarding, I did all the stuff that Alcoholics do. I did geographics. I went to all sorts of extremes. I ended up in a dry logging camp in Alaska. Thought that would be the, you know, the answer. And that was that worked for three weeks. I didn't drink. I worked every day until, you know, 2 timber fathers showed up with a, a bottle of whiskey and said you want to drink.

And very rapidly my alcoholic mind went through the it's like, God, it's been 3 weeks. I didn't even go through the DTS when I came off of alcohol this time,

You know, I haven't craved, I haven't really been thought about alcohol. I'm probably not an alcoholic after all. Sure, I'll have a drink. And I took the bottle and I tipped it up and I took about 3 big swallows of it and they grabbed it from me and they said, hey, we got to make this last. I thought we were going to drink the bottle. But what they had brought was they had brought a bottle of whiskey to like sip on after work, you know, take a shot or two after work.

So what happened to me is I had the equivalent of about two or three straight shots of whiskey. And I was an hour and a half float plane ride away from the nearest liquor store or Tavern. And that phenomenon of craving was on me. And it was, it was like an itch I couldn't scratch. It was like every cell in fiber in my body wanted alcohol and I could not get it. So next morning, of course, I caught a floatplane into Ketchikan and went to a bar, end up drinking, got thrown in jail that night. And you know, and that's, and

this the way I drank. And just to give me an idea of my last year of drinking, I became ultimately became a daily oblivion drinker. I drank to unconsciousness or blackout on a daily basis. I couldn't hold a job. All my relationships with other human beings had been broken by now as a result of my drinking. And I desperately wanted to not drink. And yet I drink every day that way. And

that last year, a year and a half was the darkest time of my life, just full of despair

and, and I gave everything I had to not drink and drink every day. Finally what happened is in January of 1987, I was doing 8 days of jail time for my third DUI and I was doing it on weekends. I'd go in on Friday, spend the weekend in jail, they'd release me on Sunday. And between the 3rd and the 4th weekend I was arrested. I was down in a little town on the Oregon, California border called Ashland and I've been arrested there numerous times and caused all sorts of problems there.

Department knew me on a first name basis. And, and between the 3rd and the 4th weekend, I got arrested in the Police Department took me aside and said, you know, Mr. Clark, you've got to do something about your drinking. You've got a hell of a drinking problem. And I, you know, gave him lip service. Yeah, of course I'll do something. And following day, I was walking down the street and there was one of those sidewalk preachers that, you know, they're not really a preacher, but the guys that stand on the sidewalk of the Bible and read biblical passages to people that come by.

And as I came by this guy, he read something out of the Bible to me. I had no idea what it was, but it seemed to relate to the night before, you know, that I should go see this guy, Joe Fisher, that they had recommended to get help, you know, from my drinking problem. And I thought to myself, if I was one of those a, a people and there are no coincidences and there's some sort of hand of God in my life, I would say, oh, this is God, you know, I should actually act on it. And I took a few more steps and I had a moment of clarity. And I thought, you know

what would happen if for once in my life, I didn't dismiss that stuff as being stupid and trivial and actually acted on it even though I don't believe in it. And almost out of my own amusement, I decided to act on it, even though I didn't believe in it. And I went up to see this guy, Joe F Joe Fisher, and he

before I went into his office, I thought, you know, please not Alcoholics Anonymous, you know, anything but AA, you know, tell me you went to adversion therapy 10 days, a couple two day follow-ups. And now your life is wonderful because I've been exposed to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'd probably been to 20 or 30 a meetings by that time. And I had been to meetings where there was no semblance of a primary purpose. There was a lot of talk in Portland at the time. There was a lot of talk about Portland's a big heroin city that was people come up and

pitches about slamming dope, scoring dope, so forth. A very interesting stories, but couldn't identify couldn't relate to any of it. And then there was also this other type of meeting where they would sit in circles and they would ask, you know, who, who has a problem today and somebody give the problem of the week and the rest of the people would kind of talk about their problems. And it's like, you know, that was nice too, except for I was dying from terminal progressive disease called alcoholism. And I just couldn't connect what was there. So I didn't want a A

and Joe, at the end of my conversation with him, invited

invited me to an A meeting. I didn't want to go, but I felt a sense of obligation to go since I did ask him for help. And I went to this a mean, it was the Thursday night Clay Street meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in Ashland, OR. And that group was a very,

I was almost going to say structure, but it wasn't really that greatly structured. It was somewhat structured, but they had a strong emphasis on primary purpose and singleness of purpose there. And when I sat in the back, I raised my hand as a newcomer and speaker talked for about 30 minutes and she told a little bit of what it used to be like, what happened and what's like now. And that was the first time I'd ever heard anybody tell my story

or tell a story, their story in AA. And then each participant went around the room and they shared a little bit of what they used to be like and what happened. And little by little, as they did that, something happened to me. It was the magic of identification. What these people had done is created an atmosphere of identification where an alcoholic come in like me and sit down. And what happened by the end of the meeting was I realized I was in a room full of people that drank the way I drank,

thought the way I thought and felt the way I felt. And yet these people were staying sober. Some of them had like six months of sobriety and a year and a couple year. And I was blown away. And that planted a tiny seed of hope. You know, in many ways, the traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life. The steps I recovered as a result of the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. But because the traditions were alive and well in that group, that got me to come back because one week later on February

4th and 1987, I went out one more time to prove that I could beat this game. My plan was I was going to drink 10 drinks, shut it down by 10 or 11:00, come home, go to bed, get a good night's sleep and get up the next morning and be like a regular person. The guy that was supposed to come pick me up to take me to the bars was running late. I drank 9 beers sitting in my living room waiting for him to come pick me up to go drink my 10 drinks. And so I kind of blew my plan before I left the house and

ended up down in couple bars and I was in one bar, which was my favorite drinking establishment. And

and I had one of those alcoholic, you know, bright ideas as I was sitting there. I mean, I drank this place every night and they loved me in this place. And Cliff was the name of the bartender. And I asked Cliff, I've seen it out of a blackout. I remember having this conversation with him. I decided I thought the answer to my problem is if I became a bartender, then I could just go to work and drink and, you know, just my life would work out better that way. And so I inquired about getting a job from Cliff this Bart center and he assured me that I was a shoo in for the position that was open as a bartender.

Then I went back into the blackout and I don't know if 5 minutes passed or three hours passed but the next thing I know I had Cliff over the bar and was going to work them over because apparently at 86 me from the bar. And he ended up calling the police and I was arrested one more time and no different than any other night of drinking except for one thing. Something changed. And I have no way to describe or articulate what happened, but something inside of me just broke

and I was arrested. I was booked. I used to be a, you know, a horrible cop fighter. This night it broke down and I cried. I cried as they processed me. They ended up taking me home at the end of the evening

and my last conscious thought that night as I laid in bed was something's different about tonight. I don't know what it is, but I wonder if I'll still feel this way in the morning and I did. I came to on February 5th, 1987 and I and something was still different and what was different as I was absolutely beaten by alcohol. Alcohol was my master. It beat me and what happened is as a result of being beat by alcohol, I was willing to face my alcoholism. All that stuff that that I drank

for relief and you know, that sense of ease and comfort to get away from. I was willing to face for the first time in my life, you know, at that moment in total desperation. Prior to that willingness, death was a more attractive alternative than continue living the way I was living. I was had, I had a crystal ball that morning that I could have looked into and I could have seen if I just drink for another six months,

I'll be dead. I would have just drank myself to death. My fear and what I was terrified of

is that if I continued, I was going to live another two years or another five years or another 10 years and continue to spiral further and further down in this miserable existence of a life I was living. And at that moment, I cried out to a God that I didn't believe in or at least didn't, didn't want to believe in. And I said, God, please make this stop or kill me. And I'm certain I said that. I think I also said the Lord's Prayer, but I'm not certain about that. And I didn't know, I didn't know this at the time,

but the obsession to drink alcohol was removed that morning.

And I only knew that in hindsight. But on February 4th in 1987, I lived with an obsession to drink alcohol on a daily basis. And on February 5th, 1987, I was free to that obsession and been freed of it for, you know, 23 plus years since then as a result of 1, the surrender that I went through that morning on the 5th. And two, by a whole lot of actions that I've taken in this program that in the beginning seemed to have no relevance to what my problem was in the 1st place. And so through that surrender, I became willing to come into a A and do all sorts of things

that I didn't believe in, that I thought were goofy, that made me bristle with, you know, with rebellion. But I did him anyway because I saw other people in the A A were doing these things and staying sober. And I started doing doing as they did. And I just want to close just I want to talk just a little bit about coming to believe in God and close on that. That was my problem when I came to a, you know, now I'm in a group where I identified these people were just like me. There was this strong,

you know, sense of identification and singleness of purpose in this in this room. So there's no denying it. And so I was doing as these people do. But the God thing was a huge issue for, for me. And

they told me in the beginning they said, look, they said fake it till you make it. And then they pointed to the chapter we agnostics. They said just a willingness to believe is enough to make a start in this program. And then one guy put it in a way that I that I could really understand. He said, look, he goes, you don't have to believe in God to make a start in this program. You just have to take actions as if you believe in God. And that I could do. And so I started taking actions as I thought I believed in God.

And little by little, by taking these actions as if I believed in God for the first time in my entire life,

my life started working out. Up to that point, it was as if I was a square peg trying to fit in a round hole over and over and over. And this. And now it, it, you know, I, it started to unfold and it started working. And little by little, I came to believe as a result of taking actions even though I didn't believe. I came across that line in the in the chapter we agnostics where it says our ideas didn't work, but the God idea did. I was probably 90 days sober when I saw that. And when I saw that, I was like, yeah,

my ideas have never worked, but this God idea stuff does. I don't know that I necessarily believe in God, but there's something about this that is working. And that created a foundation and a platform to where I ultimately came to believe in a a power greater than myself and ultimately became a believer in Alcoholics Anonymous as not just something to keep me physical, physically sober, although that's all I came here for. And if that's all I would have found here, I would have considered that a bargain. But

I found that there's so much more than just that physical sobriety and, and it has become, it became as a result of that foundation in Step 2 and followed by the rest of the steps, a design for a living that has worked in my life. You know, there's only been two things that has ever worked in my life. A certain amount of alcohol gave me relief and peace and allowed me to live comfortably amongst the earth people out there and a certain amount of actions and Alcoholics Anonymous, whether I believed in them or not,

has allowed me to some peace and comfort and allowed me to live amongst the earth people out there. Thanks for my sobriety.

Wasn't he wonderful? Let's give him another round of applause.

I do have one another announcement. I don't know if I need to remind you, but if you would please shut off your turn off your cell phones or turn them to silent mode

for tonight as well as the rest of the weekend because I forgot. So I'm reminding you.

Next up we have GAIL Lacroix from Akron, OH. Let's give her a great big welcome. Come on.

Come on.

Hello, everyone. My name is GAIL and I'm an alcoholic.

My sobriety date is May 13, 1978, and I did get sober in Akron, OH. I have a Home group. I have a sponsor and I sponsor. My mother's name is Rita. I have a boss. No, I'm just kidding. We don't have enough time for all that.

But when that first started coming around, we didn't do that in Akron and it kind of came from the West Coast I think. And it always makes me kind of laugh when I hear that.

I am so happy to be here at the Woodstock of Alcoholics Anonymous. It you know, I'm a recovering hippie and you'll see that tomorrow night. I have a photo that will prove it. But I always want to put on some tie dye, some bell bottoms and a headband when I come here, just just to re experience that time again.

I want to thank my host who took their job very seriously and they're from Portland, OR.

And they picked me up and it was a Rick and Jared and we just started laughing in fellowship from the minute they had me at hello and we went to this restaurant that they had already eaten at 3 hours before. They've been grazing all day. It was the California Pizza Kitchen and I had the best salad I've ever had

and it was awesome. But I got a little nervous because my host, Rick.

Ordered a drink

and he said I ordered iced tea, typical non alcoholic drink and he said I'll have an Arnold Palmer.

And I said Bob sent this guy out to pick me up and this guy's going to have a slip right in front of me.

But it didn't turn out to be an alcoholic drink. It was a half lemonade and half iced tea and it was really good. But we did get through that and we're here and I'm thrilled.

I really did think that. I, I thought Arnold Palmer, you know, I thought, come a little swizzle, stick in an umbrella. I didn't know.

So I found out that I was going to be asked to speak and like, I try to live my sober life and Alcoholics Anonymous. I said yes. So I'm not usually dressed like this. Usually. Last time I was here, I was on a burlesque stage and I thought, man,

promises do come true in Alcoholics Anonymous. And they said, watch out for that hole there. And I said, what's that hole doing there? And I think it was that Whiskey Pete's, of all things. You ever tried to tell somebody in Alcoholics Anonymous you're going to Whiskey Pete's for the weekend

and they said be careful that hole because I said, what's that hole doing there? They said, well, that's where the pole goes. I was so disappointed because you guys would have really gotten your money's worth out of me, if that.

That's all I remember. I mean, I do remember that. So anyway, I am really happy to be here and I'm going to tell you a little bit. I better check my watch here about what it was like, what happened and what it's like today. What it was like for me was that I grew up under the influence of people under the influence.

And I have the disease of alcoholism, but I didn't know it. I picked up my first drink when I was 14 and has already been stated. There's a lot of symptoms. You know the 44 questions, we all seen those, but

there was one that I think is the most prominent one that unites all of us, and that is the phenomenon of craving. I picked up a first drink and the allergy kicked off for me and I couldn't stop. And that's how I always drank. I never set out to to get drunk. I just set out to have a drink. But then the drink took a drink and I ended up either in a blackout or it's in some crazy

problem or position. And I don't know why I said that,

but

it's too much information, isn't it?

And then I would have, you know, it's nothing too attractive about a woman who's had too much to drink. And, and the next day, you guys would all be laughing about it and I'd be dying. I'd just be dying an emotional hangover, you know, and the guilt and the shame and the remorse that I lived with every time I picked up a drink. And I didn't know what was wrong. I, I, I'd grown up with alcoholism. I had no perspective. I didn't know that was my problem. I thought you were my problem.

I had AI made a list of people who had harmed me and I was waiting for them to make amends.

I there was this, this guy once it was a, he was a past delegate and he said Alcoholics love to be offended.

You know, I still think about that. We love to be offended. And I grew up to be such a good victim. You know, I could not count what was right with life. I took things for granted. I had no humility.

It was what was wrong. I I kept a list of what was wrong and I could outdo you. I was such a good pessimist that if it was my birthday,

I wouldn't tell you about it. That way you wouldn't remember it and I could prove that I was unlovable

and of course, be right about that. And I'd have my own pity party. And that was just a way of life for me, the victim, thinking I saw everything that way. The glass was half empty, not half full. Now, I didn't go to jail. When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, they said, GAIL, you have a high bottom. And I said thank you,

but not on the inside, because just like the former speaker said, I wanted to die. And if death was peace, then I wanted peace because I couldn't stop this. This was my problem and and I couldn't stop it. And wherever I was, I was never where I was. I mean, if I was grocery shopping, I was thinking about doing the laundry. And if I was doing the laundry, I was thinking about washing the car. If I was washing the car, I'd be thinking about the bills. And if I was doing the bills, I was thinking about retirement. And then when I go to bed at night, my head just wouldn't stop because it could do nothing but think.

Nightmares, raw fear. I don't think I had fear, I think I had terror. So at the end of my drinking, if death was peace, then that's what I wanted. And isn't that sad? I'm a child of God and I don't know it. I don't know how to live my life. Because when I start drinking at 14, not that I was that mature, I stopped growing. I didn't grow up. I didn't know how to cope, I didn't know how to live. I thought I'd been dealt a bad hand of cards and everybody had it together. But I'd go to the mall and everybody

was in love but me. And that's just, you know, the sickness in me. So the greatest day of my life

was the day I found you. That's my real birthday. Technically, I was dead until I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous. I love Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know what I was walking into. My last drink. I blacked out. And I think only Walt Disney could do it justice. The guilt, the shame and the remorse came. They didn't come running out like paramedics for God when I called.

So I decided maybe you know how that guilt and remorse in the morning, So maybe I'll go shopping, maybe I'll feel better. Nothing like a shopping trip to make you feel better. And I'm out at the mall now. I'm a school teacher. I was sort of like drunk by day in school, you know, I mean drunk by night in school, mom by day. You can almost see me switch in a phone booth, you know. So I don't want parents or people knowing how I live my life, that secret double life I had. And I'm at the mall and I'm bargain addicted. So I'm getting my hair cut

for $5, and I'm going to feel better. And I'm up on stage and families are gathering, watching, and I'm not going to go to my first meeting. And a girl next to me is in the chair and she said, weren't you at Stouffer's the other night? And I said, yes, yes, yes, I am. She said, boy, were you drunk? I don't think I ever saw anybody so drunk. It boomed through the home all. So I did go to my first meeting that night. Thank God there was a woman leading

language of the heart and I didn't understand what I had walked into

but my heart knew I was just one of those people. I just the monkey off my back. I felt safe. I didn't know if I was alcoholic or not, but she said keep coming back and I'm so glad I did.

I love the program, I love the book, I love the steps. Thank you for mentioning the traditions. The three legacies to me are beyond. I mean, Bill Wilson was an architect. He was a genius. I've kind of become a historian today, so I'm so comfortable with all my buddies up here.

It's these posters just kind of bring them into the room with us. And I love that. I think we have a beautiful structure that holds us together. It's a triangle. And I believe in all the principles because if we just have the 12 steps, there'll be no place to go to practice them if we don't keep the whole structure together. So I, I just need to share that whenever I speak. And now what it was like today.

Well, I took off on my journey to come to you.

And I on the way, I got a little nervous about a snowstorm coming in. I'm not always a poster child for serenity. And I have this fear of winter and that it's kind of crazy in Northeast Ohio right now. And so I started at the airport to interview people on how they were going to get home.

And one girl said, well, I don't care. This girl was just so glad to be traveling. She says, I don't care. I want to let it happen the way it's going to happen.

And then she showed me her ring and she said, you know, oh, I told her why I was coming. Everybody thinks you're coming here to gamble and party. And I ended up telling her I'm coming to an, a, a conference. And she said, oh, look at my ring. It says on here one day at a time. I'm not one of you, but I love your slogan. So I had this ring made.

Then she introduces me to a gentleman that she's traveling with who has 10 years of sobriety.

And now I'm really ashamed because the girl wearing the ring has a better program than I do.

But I want to tell you about something that it's a way we live when we say yes in Alcoholics Anonymous and, and we don't know, we just stay, try to stay honest, open and willing. And it becomes a way of life. And we try to stay awake because we never know. And as I'm going to stand in line waiting for my seat to be called,

there was a young gal there. And I kind of stood with her and we talked for a few minutes, of course, about the storm

because I'm obsessing. And she says, you know, I'm on the way to Las Vegas. She said, my father's dying of alcoholism.

I said real oh, after I told her I was coming in for an, a conference, my father, I, she it was like water to somebody on a desert. And she said, and I said, I'm sorry to hear that. And she said, I'm the oldest of six. I said, I am two. And she started talking about her alcoholic family. And I knew this is going to be a rough trip for her because you know how alcoholic families are in a crisis. They're, they're all in their positions, you know,

And so I offered her support and we had a few minutes to talk and she said, you know, I drink too much too.

And I gave her my card and I said, hang on to that because she's close to where I am, where I live.

And then we were hoping to sit together on the plane. I knew she needed some support and she was hungry for anything I could give her, but we couldn't. So I waited for her when we got off the plane and we we just walked to the baggage area. That's all the time we had totaled. This whole encounter is maybe 10 minutes. And we walked to the baggage area together, and I shared a little bit more with her. And I said, you know,

my family's pretty dysfunctional, too, and I probably won't go home for Christmas.

And she looked at me and she said, I want you to come join me for Christmas.

That happens in my world. It's those coincidence. In fact, not being a member of the program, She looked at me and she said this wasn't a coincidence. So my new friend who I met, I'm now going to be joining at Christmas and hopefully will be a, a link in this beautiful, beautiful program called Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm looking forward to meeting all of you over the weekend and getting to share more. Tomorrow night I'll be talking about the writing of the Big Book

and a little bit about how just saying yes to Alcoholics Anonymous, doing what I've asked to do has taken me past my own fears. I could have never become

who I am today if I had let fear rule my life. It's just by trusting God and trusting you. So thank you very much.

Carry this message everywhere. Power of the program and airport. Merry Christmas.

Let's give another round of applause.

We're going to call up our next speaker, and after he closes out, we're going to have a short break in order for you to gun down a cigarette. Five to seven minutes in order to allow our audio person, Lee to change CDs for the disks to be recorded for the next

5 speakers. So with without further ado, I'd like to bring up Mr. Cliff Roach,

one of my favorites.

Thank you very much.

Times up.

I'm Cliff Roach and I'm an alcoholic,

a very old alcoholic. My sobriety dates the 13th of January 1970, and it took me a long time to get there.

I never drank well my whole life. I drank a lot, but I didn't drink well. I had one of those things, you know, where I be at a party and just be the life of the party. Lampshade on the head, tap dancing on the table, Everybody's good time. And then I'd get to that drink

and I always knew. I always knew it was that drink. My head would say this is the one Cliff.

You drink this when you're going to do tricks.

And you know what I said? Well, well, well, you know,

you know. Then I'd have the subsequent drinks and probably nobody here old enough to know, but I was a kamikaze drinker, you know, about 3 after that one I was telling you about. It was bonsai and I would run amok and went to jail. Some was beaten to a pulse regularly. I was, I'd love to fight and I was no good at it. It was too bad,

but I did I I just fought all the time and I enjoyed it. I guess I don't remember.

Much of my life is hearsay.

Wasn't yours? Yeah. I spent my whole life in. I did.

Oh God, I'm sorry.

Your aunt, huh? Oh,

I already got really identified with this guy, heard one time. He said he he'd wake up with these people and he'd look across the bed and go.

And in my case she would look up and go.

But I never learned. I never learned. I kept drinking. I I my drinking, I divided 1/2 the times

where I was just a occasional drunk when I overdid it and you know, I got in all that trouble.

Second school teacher tonight. After I became a teacher I became very worried about, you know, committing felonies.

Just a hobby, Lighten up for Christ sake.

And so I, what happened to me is I became a daily drinker and that's a part of my alcoholism. I like to remember to, you know, to get up every morning and say I'm not going to do it today. And, you know, puke for a while and say, I'm not going to do it today.

And then by 2:00, what's the first drink I have, you know, and I'm a functioning alcoholic. I'm one of those guys that goes to work every day and does a job and does it better than you. And I do it better than anybody. But the experts say that 95 to 97% of us that die of the disease of alcoholism to become dead from alcoholism

are functioning Alcoholics like I was

do the job every day and go home and get bombed every night. And I came to a a the first time in 65. And you seem to be all retarded people to me. You know, I've got a couple of masters read for God's sakes. I don't know you,

not the third night, this guy said to me, well, we keep it simple here. I said no shit.

You got a fool me, Leroy.

So they were kind of insulted

in a couple days later I retired from alcoholism. I didn't like you here. Have you ever resigned from AAI? Did that several times. Really breaks them up, doesn't it?

Cliff who

But the last time I came here, I, I was the luckiest of all men and I, I ended up on the doorstep of this little guy who was eight years sober and he was just a fanatic. AA I used to try to dodge him when I was in and out of a A They're always trying to help you, those kind of guys, you know, and but I knocked on their door and

they were so glad to see me. He was so kind to me that first night. I'll never forget that.

And then he had a blood transfusion from Marquis de Sod the next day and never said another nice thing to me as long as he lived.

Oh, I'm so grateful for that. I am so grateful for that. That he did not accept any of my BS. He did not allow me to be a jerk. And

and when he was dying, he had emphysema for all you smokers to take the break.

They all died of emphysema, didn't they? Bill or Bob, Cancer. But all the rest of them died of emphysema. Chuck C, my sponsor, everybody. Good luck.

But it's a lousy way to die. It really is, you know. And he was on the bed there and I had been invited to go up to Anchorage, AK, to talk. And so I bent over him in the bed there and then, you know, and put my hands. I said, I've, I've got to go to Alaska. I'll be gone for four days

and he could barely breathe. And he said, he said, yeah, they called me. I told him to send you far away as possible.

Last thing you ever said to me, and I treasure that.

But what I he had been very active in AA and never done the program. And about four months before that he was going to commit suicide. He was going to climb the stairs to the Disneyland Hotel and jump off. But he got exhausted trying to climb the stairs. So he found Clancy and asked Clancy to be a sponsor. And Clancy made him for a year drive 100 miles each way every week to a newcomer meeting and raise his hand

as a newcomer 8 years sober had been the New York delegate. And he got a little. So anyway, lucky for Bill, right after that I showed up and he had all this to give away and.

And he gave it to me, I'll guarantee it.

So we drove. I'll never forget the first week we drove up to on a Tuesday night, the Pacific group. It was a much smaller meeting than it is today. And it was in this little room where they just packed them in. There was two gals with these large breasts. And I get in between them every week, 8 to a row. Got come on a

but the first time I got to the Pacific group. Now I'm not, I'm not knocking the meetings in Oceanside and Carlsbad in that area, but in 1970 they were very laid back paintings. They're very, very much, you know, 7-8 people around the table stand sober and you know, the frost, get the rhubarb or something. I don't know. And I liked it. I was.

I was grateful to be sober and I liked him a lot, but I wasn't having a real good time.