Gisli K. from Akureyri, Iceland speaking in Copenhagen, Denmark

My name is Geesely. I'm an alcoholic.

My priority date is January 12th, 1999. But as I like to say, usually as I get sober sometime in the last century, I like that much better than 1999. You know, it makes me look better. So

I do have a Home group. I'm currently, I'll tell you about this, but I'm currently in the in the process of moving from Minneapolis and the United States, where I've been for the last eight years, and to a small town just South of the Arctic Circle called Accurate in Iceland. So that that's, that's interesting. I do have a sponsor and as I said, I do have a Home group. My Home group is kind of still called Foundation Stone. It's in Minneapolis and Minnesota.

It's on Friday nights, so if you ever go to Minneapolis, look it up. Foundation Stone Group of of Alcoholics Anonymous.

As you have probably guessed

my name geese leave means array of light in Icelandic, right? You knew that already. You can just sense it. And the reason why I am here is that I don't want to drink again. That's that's the reason why I'm here.

You know, I just don't want to drink again. I, I did not have time to come to Copenhagen at this. I, I, I, I'm moving from one continent to a small island and I'm starting two new jobs and finishing up two old jobs and getting my three kids situated in school and,

and I still came, not because I like to sacrifice myself. I do not. And I don't do that.

But because I know from experience nothing really works on me as well as spending time with other Alcoholics and trying to be useful,

I started drinking. And I started drinking when I was about 1213 years old. And as I often explained, I did not have to work to get my physical allergy started at all. So there are three parts of this illness right discussed in the book, the physical allergy, the mental obsession and the spiritual malady and the physical allergy. For me, it was something I was blessed with

and it was their full force

waiting in the cage someplace for me to open up for it. It didn't. I did not have to feed it much

or cultivated at all. They were just, it was just out. When it was out, you know, it was, there was no waiting around and there was not a lot of cultivating it. The first time I drank it was, it was bad, but it was still good. You know,

I the, the big book talk about talks about the physical allergy and the phenomenon of craving. And the phenomenon of craving is not something that happens

before I drink. That's called the obsession of the mind. The phenomenon of craving is something that kicks in once alcohol hits my brain, you know, And so the phenomena of craving, what we all have in common with a phenomenon of craving is that when I start drinking, I can't control it. So I can't control it. If I can't control it, it's never fun and it never lasts for a long time.

So when I can control my drinking, it's never fun and it never lasts. It's always followed by a worse relapse than before.

And I say this because I had a weekend, beautiful weekend and beautiful Lund, Sweden, where I controlled my drinking for seven days. And that, yes, and that's what I think about. Well, I didn't really control it. I lost control a little bit, but not really horribly. You know, I wasn't arrested or anything like that. So for me, I always had those seven days in Sweden where I didn't mess up the drinking. And in my experience, we all have our seven days in Sweden,

you know, we all have that time. Oh, there was this magical time when I just controlled completely, you know, and that's what I tried to seek. And so the big book talks about chasing that allusion to the to illusion to the gates of insanity and death. So I can't really control my drinking. So I have that. And once I started drinking, that started to happen right away. There was no waiting for it,

you know. But another thing that we, we, they talk about in the big book

is that alcohol has an effect on us Alcoholics. That's different from the effect it has on other people. Now. Alcohol is a depressant. It makes people calm and relaxed. For me, it does something magical.

And what's magical about it for me is it gets me present. It gets me to the here and now. You know, it's an artificial here and now, but still it's a here and now where I'm not thinking about how I feel. I'm not thinking about what would go wrong tomorrow. I'm not thinking about this awkward thing I said three months ago, you know, because that's a big thing of what I, what I did from, from when I was a little child,

part of probably my spiritual malady is that I ruminated a lot. I would replay things and then I would,

I shouldn't have said that and murdering you. And then I would be sitting on the bus and actually speaking out loud to myself. Shut up, shut up, shut up. You know, and don't have a diagnosable mental illness. I, I, I don't think except alcoholism, but still, that's the way it was and, and still am if I don't take care of myself

anyway, alcohol does something for me. And I think it's important to include that in the definition of the illness. Alcoholism does something for me that just works better on life than for other people. You know, alcoholism fits a lock in my brain that's just unique. It does something magical to me. And trying to identify with somebody who's not an alcoholic, trying to explain

the ease

and comfort that comes with not the first drink, maybe third or fourth drink. I don't know why they say first drink, but that feeling that came over me, if I could get that without any bad consequences, I would do that every day. And like people say, if I was an alcoholic, I would be drunk every day, you know, Because alcohol just does an awesome thing for me. It really does.

The problem is I have and I was telling the guys in the in the man strip about this, but I have some bonus features to my physical allergy. So I have the allergy, but then I, you know, it's it's like a 2 for one deal. I have some

other things going on as well when I drink that some Alcoholics do have and some don't, you know? And So what usually happens to me or what used to happen to me as I go into blackouts

and when I go into blackouts, I do things that I would under normal circumstances never do. And I usually I wouldn't believe them unless people had some sort of evidence to tell me that I had did them. And sometimes that was necessary.

And so, you know, for me, it was just a matter of time. Starting drinking 12/13

when I was 15 years old. I first tried getting drunk three days at a row.

It was magical. Magical. Do you know what the cure for Hangover is? It's more alcohol.

Why did nobody tell me this before? I had to wait until it was 15 to find that out. What a raw deal

this should be on the label of every alcohol bottle in the country. Cure for hangover, more alcohol anyway. So, so that I, I, that was kind of a big thing for me, drinking three days in a row. And, and no, it was four days in a row, actually drinking four days in a row and kind of getting to that point and, and then I was sick when I was 16. I was taken home

in a police car three weekends in a row and that was also a big thing for me. It was like a a milestone woohoo. 3 weekends in a row in a police car. Woohoo.

I was kind of into drinking, you know, I thought it was cool. And, and then I was, when I was later that year when I was 16, I woke up and I'd urinated myself. And that was also a big step for me. I was like, yes, woken up and I pissed my pants

also. That was a big deal for me, too. This was the. This was the value system I had. Yeah, I was very good. Can I subtly proud of it? Do you know what I mean? I was like, Oh, I guess I'm my real drinker now, you know, and

not too bad. So a lot of, of course, this, this happened. I was a teenager and, and a lot of it had to do with a, with my mom. And, you know, a lot of the drinking and a lot of consequences had to do with, with, with stuff happening with my mom and, and, and people telling me probably from when I was about 15 that I just should not drink alcohol. I mean, just random people were telling me that, you know, coming up to me in school and saying geese, you're probably shouldn't drink. I mean, that doesn't really happen to

people. I found out later. Do you know what I mean? Like, just random people that they hardly know saying, Oh, yeah, you probably shouldn't drink, you know, But

so

when I, when I was 18, I did a serious enough thing that I decided to stop drinking. OK.

And without going into just too much detail, I nearly killed myself and a few other people and I could not recall any of it.

And that's, that's very scary. I mean, I was under the impression that I was a nice guy, you know, and even though I went into blackouts, I just believed when I was in a blackout, I was just being a nice guy, but just couldn't remember being a nice guy, right. But at that time, I had very documented evidence that I was not on such a nice guy. When I when I drank alcohol, I get a complete character change. And they talk about Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in the big book and, you know, two separate persons.

And that's what happens to me. You know, you talk, we talked about earlier in the meeting

more than the mechanic talked about hiding the car keys, right? You know, that's the same thing I did, you know, what a cunning plan. Like I wouldn't find them, like somebody else hit them. But still, that's the idea, right? I had the idea that it wasn't me who was going to show up later that night. So that's why I could hide the car keys from that dude, do you know what I mean? Because it was another dude. It wasn't me. It was, you know, and I had no idea about Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and what the big book says about that.

Come on in,

huh? And but, but still, I was convinced that this was a whole nother person, you know, it wasn't me somehow. And so that's what happens. I'm a very, you know, I'm a, I'm very, I'm a, I'm a scared guy. I'm a fairly sensitive guy. I am no matter what I thought when I came into the rooms of Alcohols Anonymous. I am not a tough guy, especially after being in the United States for eight years, sponsoring different guys there. I know I am not a tough guy,

I am just a big softy. I've sponsored some tough guys. Now I know how they look like. They usually have a lot of tattoos and Akko bracelets

donated from the government.

So

I heard that story by the way.

Inside joke here,

which by the way, tell us a lot about the men's community here, that I've been here 3 days and I'm in on inside jokes.

Isn't that awesome?

So I drink in a in a way that after a certain period, I am not the same person anymore. And what's even worse, that I can't remember what the other person does. That's totally insane. If anything else would do that to a person, you would you would just and there would be no doubt in anybody's mind you should not do that. Like, let's say every time I

ate peanuts,

I would change personalities and go on some sort of a crime spree. People would not be like, thank you, oh, maybe you should just eat peanuts with ice cream, you know, or some shit like that. They would just say stay away from peanuts, man. You know, it's not good for you

with alcohol. There are, you know, people are more kind of like ambivalent sometimes about that. But it was pretty clear at the time when I was 18 that I had something called an physical allergy to alcohol, right? And that's what the big book talks about. They they say physical allergy, it has nothing to do with the immune system,

OK? It has to do with the abnormal reaction of the body to a foreign substance. That's what we mean when we say allergy and alcohol is anonymous. And I certainly I have a body that reacts abnormally to alcohol. We can all agree I think you know this is not normal.

So I remember I was I was 18, a young intelligent man. I was a lot in two sports. I have the also another insanity which is called being a goalie and team handball.

It has not been fixed and the steps don't help with that either.

I just never stopped doing that.

And so and I always did well in school. Everything went well for me except this thing with alcohol. So when I decided to stop drinking, it was so easy. I remember I showed up in court and I said, here's a receipt from the alcohol counselor. And I also went to a A and I've started paying for the damages and I'm just not going to drink anymore.

And it was so simple for me,

you know, I was, oh, OK. It was just like a lesson learned. Do you know what I mean? Like, OK, I'm a guy who can't drink. I even used the word allergy, although I was a couple of years away from being an AAI, still was at that point where I just say I can't drink. And everybody agreed. Do you know what I mean? So the thing I did was kind of a big deal. So the family knew. And you know what I mean? You know, there was a little new story written about it. And. And so it was, you know, my 15 minutes of fame.

There is a difference between being famous and infamous, but that's a different story

on but so I really, I just really I stopped drinking. It was so simple.

Six weeks pass

and I'm drunk again and I can't understand what happened. Just can't understand what happened

and I quit again. Four weeks pass, I drink again and I'm like, what the heck is this?

Than three weeks, 2 weeks, 5 weeks, six weeks, 2 weeks.

And I went on like this for about 18 months trying to stop really trying. I mean, this was official, do you know what I mean? This was a secret thing. Try, you know, trying to get the help. I could try not to drink and I just couldn't stay sober. Just could not stay sober. This part in Alcohol is Anonymous, we call the obsession of the mind. And it's not the obsession to count lines in the sidewalk or the leaves on the trees or obsession towards, you know,

women or cleaning your hands a lot. Those are separate illnesses,

but

it's an obsession of the mind. It's the illusion that I can drink again,

or another way to put it. I have this insanity to believe that it's a good idea that I should drink again. And in these, and I did this, this is about, yeah, two years, 18 months trying to not to. And then six months after that, just not even trying, not even caring, knowing I didn't have a chance. And in these two years, I had all kinds of different excuses not to drink.

And then I had all that I tried to make up. I I can't drink because of this or that, but it was always the same thing. I just knew I couldn't handle it. I knew I couldn't.

But in those two years, I also came up with new excuses to drink again and again and again. Sometimes it was because I, you know, once it was because our girlfriend broke up with me. Once it was because we I went to a birthday party. You know, once it was because I got paid once because I didn't get paid once because, you know, everything was so horrible that I could just as well kill myself. Well, since I was going to kill myself, I could drink first, right? That's OK. Yeah,

so that happened. 3 * 4 * I used that one.

And so I and I and I told the story in the retreat as well, but it just exemplifies well how my drinking was that once when I was about 20, I went out into the countryside after and after finishing my TF Students probe here. What do you do between 16 and 20 in school? What's that called?

Yes, exactly. OK, yeah, say again. Yeah. Kim Nacim. So after my gymnasium test where I did did drink a lot afterwards,

I, I decided to go into the countryside. I didn't even show up for graduation. I was very serious. Something I I mean, I just made a mess like I always do when I drink.

It was worse because I was in a silly costume making a lot of mess.

But you know, you know. So I decided I'm, I'm, I'm quitting again. So I put an ad in the paper for farmers in Iceland,

and I've picked the most remote place that answered the ad because I was going to talk to nature. Be one with nature, right?

And I was not going to drink again. And when they hired me, I presented myself of course as very capable and I said yes and I don't drink yes. I don't drink at all That stuff just doesn't agree with me. I can't do it. And the reason why I was going there was I so he wouldn't drink. And so it all worked really well. I conversed with nature and we built a barn there and it was super fun and it was Iceland in the summertime, very beautiful. And

then about four weeks into it, 3-4 weeks into it, something like that, we finished cementing the floor on the barn and,

and we had a little party because a lot of people came to help

and somebody handed me something and I just took it. I just drank it and I didn't think. And like I said over the weekend, there was no fight. There was no dramatic thing. You know, I just took it because somebody handed it to me. And I went there specifically in the middle of nowhere. It was not a fun place to be, to be honest, you know, not at all. And I went there specifically, you know, didn't do graduation, didn't do anything like that. Not to drink because of the of how I drink, but

I don't even think about taking another drink. And that's the obsession of the mind. It gets me,

you know, and sometimes I think the solution to the obsession is not having a job so I can't get fired, right, or not having a girlfriend so she can't dump me or whatever, but whatever. Or not going to work as a farmhand. So we never stop, you know, so we never cement floor so nobody hands do you know, hands me alcohol. It just.

Those solutions never worked for me because those weren't my issues. My issue, my problem was the obsession of the mind, you know? And I cannot fight it, you know? It eats me up and it doesn't even stop to digest, you know, I have no chance against this obsession. It gets me every time. And I think because I think I'm super smart, of course

I think that'll help me. But it just uses that against me, you know, both the fact that I think I'm smart

and even if I am smart, it still uses that against me, you know, and it's fun to talk to Alcoholics now who think they're smart because their reasons for drinking, they're always just more complicated than the other person's reasons for, to, to drink still. But it's still just an excuse, right? You know, So for me, all of these reasons I had for those two years to drink, they had nothing to do with anything except my obsession of the mind. It will give me a reason to drink.

There is no arguing with it. There is no being prepared for the argument that it will bring. You know, oh, if the obsessions is this, I'm going to say this. Do you know what I mean?

Because I'm fighting myself? No, it already knows my next move and it will beat me every time.

And it took me about two years to accept defeat towards the obsession of the mind. Now, if I was not a real alcoholic,

I could have stopped drinking when I was 18, right? Just say no would have worked for me, but it didn't. That makes me an alcoholic. So and I always get a little when, when, when people say. And I remember when I when I came to the United States first time. And as I said, I don't know if I said it, but I spent so from 2006 to to just this August in the United States in Minneapolis, MN.

And when people in states would say if you are a real alcoholic and I was like shit, real alcoholic, what does that mean? Do you know what did you learn? Kill 10 people, steal a bus and drive to Mexico or what is a real alcoholic mean? Well, a real alcoholic according to the pic book has nothing to do with the stuff you do. Those are just symptoms of it. You know, some of us have horrible alcoholism sitting on our cults for 15 years,

you know, never going out, never showing the kind of get up and go that I used to show when I was drinking.

It does not make people more or less alcoholic. You know two things make us alcoholic according to the big book Physical Allergy Towards Alcohol. When I drink, I have no control over it. If I have control, it is not fun and it does not last. That's 1-2 obsession of the mind. If I stop drinking, I can't stay stopped.

Mind will tell me it's a good idea to drink for any number of reasons within a certain number of times. You know, usually it's within a few months. For me, it was. I never got more than, you know, six weeks. But so that having those two things makes me a real alcoholic, you know, it's not about anything else than those two things. And I go through this regularly with myself. I check in, you know, because I need to rework my first step as well.

But basically for me, my first step is just acknowledging those two things.

Now,

my drinking, I used to,

I used to idolize certain things and I used to idolize drinking. You know, drinking to me was a religion. I had a lot of friends who used to use drugs. For example, at that time, amphetamines and cocaine was very, you know, big in, in Iceland, you know, and, and some of my friends used that. For me, that was just ridiculous. I felt they were amateurs using drugs like that, because I could get all that I needed out of alcohol, you know? And for me, the people who are using drugs were just idiots.

They were in the tight T-shirts with a blonde hair and do poof, poof, poof, whatever, you know. It's just I was way above that, you know, I drank alcohol now. That was my thing, you know, And I got into much more trouble than any of them did for some reason.

I found out later they were the smart ones. But you know, or smart, well, I don't know they at least they, you know, they did better than me. But some, some of them came in later too. So into a, a so I don't know. It is what it is.

So for me, it was all about the stories as well, you know, and a teenager and a young man, it was all about the stories. And so I was very used to telling stories of, of drinking stuff that would happen to me, you know, and I, I, I never included in the stories that

sometimes when I got home at about,

you know, 12345 and then I would fall asleep for an hour or two. I would sometimes wake up and I could not exist. I could not drink. I could not be sober. I just, I felt I could not be. So what I did at that time, I thought my mother was just just the most idiot. She was just the most bourgeois,

idiotic person there was. I just hated her. Did tested her and I let her know,

you know, she's a frail, like a small woman kind of, you know, like up to here. And I was this size when I was about 16, something like that. And and so I used to really let her know that through different actions and sometimes be very threatening, but I would wake up this stupid bourgeois periodic woman at about 5:00 AM, sometimes 6:00 AM in the morning, and she needed to hold me for a couple hours because I couldn't exist.

I never included that in the story I told the guys afterwards. I didn't. Yeah. So now we did this and then our and this and, err, yes. And then I come home and my mom rocked me to sleep for two hours.

Never like God, never included in the story.

I've since found out that I'm not the only one who does this. You know, later on we often use pharmaceuticals. So one of the most, one of the, the, the toughest guys I've sponsored back home in Iceland with like horrible scary drug dealer, kind of a dude. He used to take a lot of benzodiazepines so he could fall asleep because in that space he could not exist either, you know?

Interesting,

so I I found finally ended up

getting kicked out of my house. My mom

probably the runner up in the Scandinavian kind of codependency contest maybe #3 or #2 something like that. In Scandinavia for codependency. I was big enough of an asshole for long enough time that even she kicked me out of the house. And if anything speaks volumes to how difficult I was, it's that she ended up kicking me out of the house. That is just amazing.

See my grandfather that she grew up with was an alcoholic. Then she met a wonderful man, my father, who she moved in with after living with my alcoholic grandfather. Well, my father was also an alcoholic. Then my father left and she had

seven years with no alcoholic in the house or in her life. And then I came along and started drinking as well,

6-7 years. So at that point she had had six years with no active alcoholism in her life and she was 40, you know. But I still managed to carry it far enough that she went and sought help. And the thing was, she really wanted

me to get help. So she said go to a psychiatrist, go to a psychology, there's something seriously wrong with you. And because I didn't have a problem, she was the crazy one, right? She ended up going instead of me, which is the good thing, right? Because she was the crazy person,

but the problem is one of these people told her to kick me out and she ended up doing that. So, and I was in, I was in a position where I, I could really,

I could really drink for some time. I was staying with some people and I was in a, in a position where I could continue drinking. But I, I just had this moment of clarity, you know, I just sincerely believed that

I needed to stop, you know, that the Russian roulette I'd been playing, there was just no more empty chambers. I just could not drink again. And,

and I don't know why that happened to me at that age, at that time, you know, that's for me now. It's just grace. It's my higher power kicking in, you know?

The big thing is that I got the desperation needed to seek help, you know,

But I just kind of sought help on the side. I went into. I tried to stay sober on my own for a little while, and then I went into treatment and I ended up in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. And in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous because I had a gymnasium exam. I felt I was the most educated person in Alcoholics Anonymous, right? I was pretty special, you know? So I sat in the rooms and I've read a lot of books,

which always makes you very smart, right? Reading books,

always very smart. So I, I felt I was so smart and

I said in the rooms and I knew everything,

you know, and I, I was totally, my head was totally shaved and I was in this big trench coat all the time and these kind of old looking clothes and, and I sat like this and, and with a face like somebody had to try to attack my mom yesterday and, you know, thought I was a tough guy because I was on probation. I was a tough guy, right? Beautiful. It's adorable, but that's what I believed at the time. And so and,

and the only thing that really

got me to chains and the rooms for some pain, that's what I needed,

you know, and I needed pain to learn to say two things.

First of all, I needed to say, I don't know, I was dying from always knowing everything, right? Sitting in these rooms, if I'm constantly telling myself that I know everything, there's no room for new data. There is no room for new information. I have to realize that I don't know. I have to realize there is space for new data. I have to realize that there's a different way to do things. But it wasn't like like that for me in the beginning. I

everything I sat in these rooms and I listened to grinning idiots like myself talk and I and that's what I thought, you know, it's an idiot. I know everything. So pain, desperation in the rooms taught me to say, I don't know. Another thing I really didn't like to say and and which pain taught me to say in these rooms is help me. I do not like to say help me. That means I'm weak. That means I can't do everything.

That means I possibly don't know everything either. Yeah, it's bad.

So I needed to say help me, you know, and it took some time for me to do that. So I got sober January 12th, 1999, and it was in August of 1999 that I finally sought the hope I needed. What I did is there were these evil people

that were working the steps. Can you imagine that? And they were talking about God in an AA meeting, God in an A meeting. How inappropriate is that? That's Volcker. That's like, that's like taking off your clothes in an A meeting, talking about God in an A meeting.

And so I went to this meeting because these people had something that I did not have. It was just obvious to me. They had some, they had sobriety and they had Peace of Mind

and that's what I needed.

There's a good friend of mine who used to say he probably stole it from someplace else. That's why in a a, it's called sharing, not stealing, right?

He said. The same man drinks again. If I don't change, I will drink again. And I was not changing

and I knew the obsessive thoughts were coming back and I knew I was drinking again. And being the sensitive type I am,

I was scared shitless what would happen if I would drink again. So in August 1999, I went to this meeting and I asked for a sponsor

and I, I didn't really care who it was, but I really liked it to be a special person because I'm a unique alcoholic. I am, I mean, I'm smarter than the average alcoholic, right? Better educated with my gymnasium exam, right? Right. You know, So I needed a special alcoholic

and I got a very special alcoholic. He looked like a complete idiot,

very unfashionable. He has had this big grin that was just, you know, made him look like, I don't know what. And he used to wear these big belts with a belt buckle. And this was 9090. Nobody wore that. Oh, my God, You know, it was just horrible. And, and these lively Hawaiian shirts,

you know, and he was not being ironic about it. He actually thought they were cool. Sincerely. It's not a hipster thing for him.

It's just horrible.

So this lowly person, right? Because I was at that place,

he took me through the steps, you know, and it's so amazing that I was in pain enough and I was scared enough to actually do the work.

So basically what we did with some minor alterations, was that we took the Big Book and we read it. Whenever the Big Book told us to do something, we did it. This is a revolutionary new method in Alcoholics Anonymous.

What happened for me

is

that slowly I started to change,

you know, and I started to change in this fellowship. At the same time, in August 1999, I started to attend men's meetings and those were kind of cool guys. And I remember first time I came to the meeting,

I was scared that they would turn me down. They would say, oh, we don't take your kind there, right? And so at the same time, I felt I was better and smarter than everybody else.

And I also felt I was a piece of shit and worse than everybody else, and they would reject me. Isn't that interesting? Are you familiar with that feeling At the same time, Yeah. A mecal maniac with an inferiority complex, That's what that's called, right? I've heard that before. Yeah,

Yes, yes, exactly. So I'm both better than you, way better than you, but I'm also way worse than you. It's a good, it's a interesting place to be at. So I was at this interesting place and, and I remember asking to if, if they needed, you know, they needed somebody for to do the coffee. And I asked if I could do it and I was sure they would say no, but they didn't.

They went to me. They always went to a meeting After the meeting, they went out to eat afterwards. We still go to the same place, by the way, almost 16 years later. They still go to the same place 15 years later

and it's not because of the food.

And I asked if I could go to meeting after the meeting or they invited me to the meeting after meeting. And so

at that time, that was that was a big help me think for me too, because I was so special. I was shown unique and I was so better than everybody else that I could never belong to anything, right? So when I was growing up, people were, you know, had these groups that were kind of having fun and, you know, and I just thought those people are idiots. I never felt I belonged in any group like that, you know, and I'm not saying that's a part of being alcoholic. I'm just saying that's a part of my personality and my story.

Maybe you can identify with it,

but I asked to be a part of something, and I was willing to do that.

I needed a lot of suffering to get to that place, you know, because that means I had to let go of some of the things that make me so much better than everybody else, right? I had to let go of that distance I had between me and everybody else. I had to let go of the strong, strong, silent type thing I was doing, you know, because I was a man with a dark past. Seriously. 20 years old. Yeah, this is what I believed.

When I see dudes that look like me today, I just give them like a 10 minute hug. I'm just like can I get over

and they never come back again. I understand why.

So I, I went through the steps with this sponsor and, and the miracle happens between 1:00 and 12:00 for me. It happened at 12. You know, it really started to happen. It was one revolutionary thing that happened for me is that I started greeting new people in meetings. Do you know that people actually do that? Isn't that shocking?

You know, and I stunt in the AI was in in the beginning, you treated the newcomer

as he had leprosy because then you were testing, right? That was the excuse you were testing if you were serious enough to be an AA. So if he still came and we treated him like shit for a few months and he still kept on coming, then he was serious about coming. What a cunning plan.

Strange that those meetings don't grow a lot. Isn't that very strange? Not that I'm judging it. If people want to do that, that's fine.

So, so these guys in this meeting, they actually created newcomers. And for me, the the two most foul words in the, in the entire Icelandic language are perky and open, like being open. For me, those are the two most foul swear words you could find.

Like being a warm person, that's the worst thing you can say about anybody, right? Being warm and open, Disgusting, disgusting. And so. But I became that.

That's what a A has done to me.

Right. Some people even say I'm warm and open today.

But that's what I had to do. I had to let go of that old persona, right? The guy who was tough, whatever, The guy who was alone and everybody was an idiot. And I really felt strongly that the people in most of people in society were just useless pieces of meat. And those are the exact words I used about the population at large. I just thought they were useless pieces of meat. That's what I said. It's getting done, can I not? Not a loving or cuddly person.

And

so I had a lot go of that. And so a big thing for me was to greet new people

and I didn't have to say anything smart

and I didn't have to say anything life changing. I just had to say welcome

because that did a lot for me. When somebody came up to me

and I was, I was hoping they were going to say something mean so I could say something mean back and they smiled and they said welcome. I had no smart ass answer to that. You know, in a a we disarm each other with kindness

because that's the only weapon that really works in Alcoholics. You know, that's and that's the only thing that worked on me really. You know, they were just kind to me in the beginning. They saw who I was and they were just kind. Yeah, sure. Welcome. Yeah. Great. You know, it wasn't they didn't fight me a lot, you know, because I just wasn't wasn't at the place that where I could handle that, because that's what I expected from them. That's what I was. Do you know what I mean? I was geared for that. I didn't expect the kindness bit.

Anyway, I started to do this with newcomers and soon I started to give out my phone numbers to my phone number to newcomers,

and they started to call me. And in the beginning I did a lot of meetings, I did a lot of service work, and I read The Doctor's Opinion 15 times in a row. And the reason is because all the guys I started to work with only came and met me once. Then they found somebody else to read the big book with.

So it was, I was at the place, you know, where I often would just start reading in Chapter 3. I didn't care, dude. I was just so bored with the doctor's opinion. I would just start at Chapter 3 to get, you know, a change in pace

and the pure. But the beautiful thing about service work, about the 12th step is that I do not get paid by results and Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, and this is my favorite joke. I tell it all the time in the United States. People get very offended. It's interesting to see what will happen now,

but doing the 12 step is like being a government employee.

You do not have to show any results. You just have to show up.

Always, always. There's always three people after it. Speak Kuwait. And I think they're going to tell me how great I am. And they're like, what is it about doing government employees? Don't you know how hard we work? Yes, I know. It's just a joke.