The 5th Anniversary of the Happy Hour Group in Montgomery, AL

Personally, he's been an inspiration and I know that he continues to be an inspiration to a lot of people.

I'm just really excited to hear Kent. Thanks.

Hi, I'm Ken. I'm an alcoholic. My sobriety date is September 18th, 1998 and through the program of action is outlined in the big book, The Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, The Grace of Loving God and Good Sponsorship. I haven't had it necessary to take a drink or a mind altering substance since that day and that's and that's a miracle just like anyone that has overcome this. This program is a miracle and I know I see lots of miracles in this room

and absolutely,

if people ask me was I nervous, I do this on a fairly regular basis. I don't get nervous when I'm out of town. But for some reason in my Home group, it's just different, you know, because especially the 6:30 AM crowd, you guys know all of me. Only person that was more than the 6:30 AM group is my sponsor.

I was reflecting on that. You know, we aren't a glum lot. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. When this group was formed, I was not an original founding member. In fact, one of my first a a resentment

is Dennis called me when I was a member of another group to start chairing the 6:30 AM meeting.

And I was like, how does that work? I'm not even a member of the group and I'm chairing a 6:30 AM meeting for another group. And then this group became my Home group. But I was in Boston when they were getting this building set up and they wanted to paint that. And so Dennis called me and said, hey, where is that line in the big book? Joe? He called, you know, I'm saying,

and I, I, I happen to be on my computer and I got one of those programs that's, you know, it's got the big book on the computer and the word searchable. So I, I found them. So that's my claim to fame.

The other thing, Dennis, you know, Dennis, most of you know, but Dennis broke his back and that's

why he's not here right now. So I told him, I talked to him today and I'm gonna tell a story on Dennis, on what a great spiritual guru he is. One time and one time only in my sobriety have I truly been faced with a serious thought of drinking. And I was in Boston, I was out of town and it was during the World Cup. And we had let us go early and I went into a little pub that I, I'd been to before with my wife for dinner. But I was in the restaurant side. And now I went into the pub side and it was the

cup, and it's a lot of excitement. And there's, you know, ales and loggers and stouts and pilsner all over the place. And the thought of drinking came into my mind powerfully. And I did what you're not supposed to do. And I tried to fight the thought, right? And I started fighting the thought. And then it translated into, well, that won't affect my Alabama sobriety, right? OK, Nobody need, no, OK, just me and God. And we got a step for that.

So finally after 20 minutes, I got so afraid I just left right. And so I was like, man. And so I called Dennis and I said, dude, I almost drank in a bar. And he said wow. He said if you ever relapse, drink eczema and tell me what it tastes like. I've been dying to know right. So that

that was the spiritual advice I got from Dennis.

But there's a beauty to that. And it goes back to we are not a glum lot, right? Because when he first said it to me, I was like, what the And then I just started laughing, right? And as soon as I started laughing, it was gone. It wasn't a big deal.

I want to tell you guys in a general way what I was like, what happened to me, and what I'm like now. Hopefully what you'll hear at the end of this is that I have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body.

I'm still allergic to alcohol. I will die with the allergy to alcohol. But I no longer live my life in such a way that I am hopeless, OK? And alcohol and fear and resentments and dishonesty and selfishness do not consume my life. I still have all of those, OK, But they don't consume my life like they did before I got here. And you people and God healed me.

Everything I have good in my life today is a direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al Anon.

How many members of Al Anon do we have here today? If you'd OK

let me very good. Thank you. This is AI will share another another story of how Helenon works. 90 days sober. My Home group was metro sole purpose and I'm on fire right? I'm in the heavy evangelical stage and and I come home and and I'm just on fire. It's about 10:30 and we had a little house on Carter Hill Rd. and my wife was laying in bed half asleep, half awake. And we had a little bathroom and I'm brushing my teeth and I said, hey, hey, we have the saying in a a stick with the winners.

Do you have that saying in Al Anon? And my wife opened one eye and said, obviously not.

So,

you know, and once again, the humor, the humor because I was like, really, OK, that's, that's really funny. I and I got nothing. You win, you win. So humor is absolutely important because when I got here, September, actually when we got here, September 18th, 1998, there was no laughter in our house. And there hadn't been for a long time.

Alcohol had shrunk my world, OK, And by my world it had shrunk my wife's world.

We had no friends. We did nothing. Socially. We worked, although I hadn't worked for a while. When I got sober, I was a functional alcoholic. That means my wife had a job.

And you know, my my wife was working and she was going to bed at 6:30 every night, just waiting for the day to get over. And I was drinking and passing out. I was napping, OK,

And it was funny because I didn't start out life that way. You know, when I graduated high school

was president of the student body. I was class favored. I was voted most sparkling personality. Yeah,

dude, that wasn't a joke,

you know? So I I had a good sense of humor, right? It's just alcohol. And the life I was leading had robbed all that from me. I've never been to prison. I never had a DUI. Alcohol didn't really do much to me. It just destroyed my ambition, destroyed my relationships, destroyed myself esteem, destroyed my hope, made life a dreary, dismal existence. But other than that, it didn't really have much, much impact on me.

You know, I grew up in a normal household, whatever that is. But my parents are still married to each other today. They live up in Washington, DC. I've got a brother that's thirteen months older and a sister that's three years younger. And they're both very, very normal people. My brother drank heavily when he was a frat boy at University of Virginia. But when he graduated college, you know, he became a weekend drinker. And then by the time he got married, he was a glass glass of wine at dinner type guy. But at one point he probably drank physically more than I did.

I do know, you know, Bill and I were talking before I believe I was born with this disease. And I certainly had the isms way before I picked up a drink. I never felt like I fit in or anything like that when I drank. I had my first drink at 14 in the Republic of Singapore. My dad worked for the CIA and I grew up overseas most of the time. And as I went to Singapore 1976 to 1980 and I didn't have a spiritual experience when I drank at all, but I had just gotten there. I'd only been there like 2 weeks. I didn't know anybody

and I was one of those kids. I was an extrovert, but I was an introvert, but probably a little bit more towards an introvert. And

I was in a hotel room with a bunch of guys who we're all staying in the hotel. And I do know that when I drank, I felt OK, right? And I was part of the group and I could talk to them. And I didn't feel like I had nothing to offer or I didn't feel like I was different.

So I drank it. There was no drinking age in Singapore. I had a blackout when I was 18 years old, and I would drink and get drunk

too. Maybe two weekends, you know, a month. It wasn't a big deal. I never skipped school, right? I never drank at school. It wasn't that big of a deal. But when I drank, I got drunk

OK. And then my 18th birthday, I did have a blackout. But as a good alcoholic, that was my first experience with tequila, and I blamed it on the tequila, right? It's like, OK, it's that tequila snuck up on me.

But that was I graduated. That was May 18th, 1980, when I had that blackout. And I graduated high school in June and I went to college and by by October of 1980, I was drinking a gallon of Carlo Rossi Paisano wine every day before noon.

That's what my chief, my chief character defect is fear. I'm not by nature and angry alcoholic. I'm much more comfortable with fear and self pity. And I was just consumed with fear. I was I was the big fish in a small pond syndrome. You know, the college I went to had 13,000 people and my high school had 500 and only 99 of us in our graduating class and only 33 of us had been there for four years, right? So I was just consumed with fear. I picked,

I wanted to be a forest Ranger and I had no idea that forestry was a science degree. And I'm kind of a liberal arts type guy, history, geography. So I was consumed with fear. And so I, I ended up, I'd go to classes that I, I liked like English or psychology and if it had, you know, chemistry or math, I didn't go. So after a year,

my parents stopped supporting my college endeavors because the grades, you know, we're just not there. I had like a 1.0 average and incompletes in failed and stuff like that. And so I ended up, my dad got me an appointment to Virginia Military Institute and I did well there because it was a structured environment, right? There were no women, you couldn't have a car, there was no alcohol, and they marched you to class. That's a pretty good success,

you know, for a guy like me, right? But the problem with the four year degree is it takes four years, right?

So I dropped out after 2 1/2 years. And that's a big thing in my life. I always wanted what other people had and I was never willing to do what they did to get it. OK. And that included this program that you'll hear, you know, there's, there's a saying that Alcoholics Anonymous is not for people who need it. It's not for people who want it. It's for people who do it. I wanted lots of things in my life and I was just never willing to do what I had to do to get it.

So I ended up in the Army and

I cruise around the Army. I jumped out airplanes. That's what I did for a living because I wasn't smart enough to fly them.

And what happened to me? And I did, I did 3 geographics, you know, going to different units. They were, those were geographics trying to feel better about myself and the problems I was having had to be the places I was at. And by problems, I mean I was just drinking all the time. The paradox of alcoholism.

I got promoted ahead of my peers every single time. I got awards. I was distinguished on a grader honor grad from every single school I ever went to in the military, and I went to Ranger School. Special Forces, SCUBA, Halo, aerosol, Jumpmaster, combatives, you name it. Pathfinder. I've been there.

So I look at myself, I get in the shakes, right? And I'm like, well, Alcoholics can't do PT Alcoholics can't

go out all night, show up, get 2 hours of sleep and run 8 miles. Alcoholics can't get promoted. When I get deployed for six months, I did never thought about drinking right. And we, there's in the military, there's always stories about that old first Sergeant that has vodka in the canteen. I didn't have to take alcohol with me. I never thought about it. Well, an alcoholic has to drink every day, right? An alcoholic can't function at some level. An alcoholic has to be the guy in a trench coat under the bridge, right? So I had all sorts of reasons why drinking couldn't be my problem. So I

change units, apply for different schools to go to different units. And what happened to me eventually is I did my first ever inventory and it was just looking around. There was just something wrong with me. You know, think about alcoholism is a disease dis ease, right? And it's a disease of dissatisfaction. Enough is never enough. No matter what I want, if I get it, it's not enough because that's not it. So I did it. I did an inventory. What the Hell's going on with me? And I looked

around and I just knew I wasn't happy. And the people that I admired the most and seemed to be happy and functional, they were all family men, you know? And I said, that's it. I have no responsibility, right? I'm 2829 years old and I've lived in a barracks or a college dorm since I was 18. I didn't have a credit card. I had a car once, a pickup truck, but it was stolen when we were in Honduras. And I, I didn't even file a police report because the shop at that serves beer is 1/4 mile from my barracks. So who really?

So what I did was I married a Panamanian hooker I knew that had a 7 year old daughter.

My wife who is here tonight is my second wife.

I was, I was supposed to say that I'm actually, James pulled me aside and he remembered that and he said, you might want to say up front your wife, who's here tonight is your second wife.

And So what happened is that was kind of the beginning of the end because it, it, it tore the covers off the, the delusion that I had lived under. I found I could not function right. I couldn't do things like carry a budget, right?

Food, electric, electricity, phone, rent, I, I couldn't do these things. My wife and I were always fussing it, it was just really bad. So I'm getting a lot of stressors in my life that I've never had before. So now I'm drinking more and I ended up missing 3 days of work. And that's not a big deal if you work at Krispy Kreme, but the, the military calls it AWOL and they, they're pretty, they're pretty serious. So I, that took me to the drug and alcohol place and they gave me a test and I passed because I always do well on tests. I passed

and I ended up in Fort Gordon, GA at a six week inpatient, right? And this was my first exposure. And what that treatment center exposed me to was the disease concept of alcoholism. And they convinced me to a tee that I was an alcoholic, right? Because I met every single criteria that they showed me. And I was like, outstanding. I know what the problem is. I'm an alcoholic. The solution to alcoholism is not drinking, right? That's not what they said. That's what I heard

right. And I know we went to a a meetings and I know they talked about stuff, but also it's interesting, you know, I wasn't ready. My head of counselor who was a recovering alcoholic and he was like, you know how you do treatment if you've been there, you do a lot of work, workbooks and stuff. And he's like, wow. He said, I've never met a man who drank as much as you that whose life is not falling apart. It looks like you drink alcoholically and let your life is fine. Are you having problems in your marriage? No.

Are you having problems with finances? No. You know I wasn't willing, right? I was not ready to admit to the unmanageability of my life

because to me the problem was alcohol and the unmanageability was tied to my drinking. So if I stop drinking, everything will be just fine, right? And it's amazing that the big book talks about that, by the way, that they have a clever term for it says self knowledge of illnesses. Nothing. I had read the book in treatment. I read it in an afternoon. It's not a big book, the 1st 164 pages. So I went back to Panama, didn't go to any meetings because why would I? I not going to drink. I have lots of willpower, right?

And much like when I was drinking and would get deployed, I was not a white knuckle drinker. I never thought about it at all. And one night afternoon, six months after being medically separated from alcohol, it was during Carnival, you guys call it Mardi Gras. And my wife went into a dress shop. I turned around and there was a survey. So Panama beer cart and I had two beers. They were like 10 oz beers. And I was fine. And I was like, whoa. Another thing, you know, alcoholism is a disease of perception,

right? What I thought they said was if I ever drank again, I'd become a raving lunatic. So I had two beers and that's interesting. And I didn't have any more. I'm a little bit hasty in that diagnosis of alcoholism. And I had two more and I had two more. And you guys that have been around 3 weeks later, I was drunk on duty, on duty, on duty. And so I was summarily discharged from the United States Army because when I went to treatment, I had signed a form saying

had an alcohol or drug incident within a year of coming out of treatment, I would be summarily discharged.

And because I was drunk on duty, that was a second Article 15 Captain's Mast.

So I got a general under honorable discharge

and my life imploded. And I have never, ever been that desperate in my life. That was the darkest moments of my life. And it didn't keep me sober, OK, Because alcohol was a solution for me. OK, Alcohol did something. Alcohol kept me alive in that time, I would drink. Now granted, I cleaned my pistol a lot

and I know now what that was about, but alcohol

kept me alive. It was a solution. It killed the shame, the fear, the guilt, remorse, OK. It stopped the squirrel cage from running.

And so I ended up going back home and I was waiting for my wife and stepdaughter to come get visas and come and I ended up getting alcohol poisoning because I hold up in a in a hotel, made a bunch of beer and a ferret called Michiko.

I always say that because usually when Dennis is here, I don't normally say that. And then Dennis will share it from the audience. I'll say tell the ferret story. So,

so that was my social community and uh, I ended up back in a 28 day program that segued into a one year program, right? Because you're going to start to hear how I got this thing iteratively. But like Frank Sinatra, I had to do it my way. I had to experience all the things that people and Alcoholics Anonymous were telling me or counselors. I had to do the opposite of what they said and reap what I sowed so I could see. Oh, OK, they're not lying. All right, so

I lived in a program. I lived in apartments with other Alcoholics and addicts and did that for year. And my wife and stepdaughter had come and they were living with her sister 30 miles away.

And I went to five or six AAA meetings a week, a week. And I didn't sit in the back, I sat up front. I loved them. I thought they were outstanding.

I didn't have a sponsor, I didn't work the steps and I didn't have a Home group. OK. I had meeting based sobriety

and I got relief. I got relief from the meetings OK,

but I didn't get freedom and I didn't treat alcoholism. The only known treatment for alcoholism is the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. OK meetings are not a treatment for alcoholism. All right, meetings are important. We do this together. We do this in community. We share our experience, strength and hope. We find our people here. And if you're new is talking to to Josh. I don't know how to do this so but I don't know how to do that. This is like a safe laboratory for us to learn how to have.

Relationships sober OK the 12 steps are designed to change me there's the greatest promise of this program is in the 12th step having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. So it makes perfect sense that not taking the steps I didn't change. I got a one year medallion, right? And I thought, I swear to God, it was a graduation thing. OK, really, Because, you know, and it's funny because the big book talks about there's a certain class of drinker who thinks if he

for a period of time that he can safely drink. Well, I didn't think I could safely drink, but I thought a year would kind of like I'm cured, right? I mean, what type of moron would ever drink again, right? Self knowledge. I forgot that part in the book that said there will times we have a curious mental blank spot, right? And we have no defense against the idea of a first drink. What happened to me in Panama, right, Wasn't thinking about drinking. I'm not stupid. I had an entire career that I was aware of the consequences. A turn around. There's a beer.

What did I do? Let me have one. I did not say so you know when you hear think that think the drink through, right? That's a tool. It's not a solution because sometimes we can think the drink through, but our literature based on our experience is very clear. There will come a time where you have no power to think the next drink through right? The story, the jaywalker they're talking about that you can be aware of all the consequences and what's happening to your life, but you are deluded right? And that's an important

we here in a, a the term denial. Denial is only used once in the big book and it's used in a different context. The book uses delusion and it's important to understand the distinction. A buddy of mine, Rich Proctor, gets it this way. I steal your wallet and you ask me, did you steal my wallet? And I say no, I'm denying it. You hook me up to a polygraph test and you say, did you steal Hollywood's wallet? And I say no. And the polygraph goes off the chart because I am denying what I know to be true.

A delusional person. I steal Hollywood's wallet. He says, did you steal my wallet? I say no. You hook me up to a lie detector test and you ask me that I steal your wallet and I say no. And it flatlines. OK, I don't think I stole his wallet. That is delusion. That's why the book uses delusion all throughout the book in reference to our relation to alcohol. We cannot see the true from the false, right? So when you're going out and you're like me, well, I'm not thinking about drinking. Hey,

I'm avoiding my triggers, and if I think about drinking, I'll say, hey, wait a minute, Drinking has caused me multiple problems in the past, and I should probably not.

It won't happen. Because if I could do that now, think about it, if I could do that, I would not be powerless over alcohol. I would have power over alcohol and I wouldn't need you and I wouldn't need this program and I wouldn't need God because I would have power. I could do it myself. When I was seven years old, at a family reunion in Davidsville, Pennsylvania, I ate watermelon for the first time and I vomited a lot. OK I am 51 years old and I have never eaten watermelon

sense OK I don't have a mental obsession without with watermelon

and I am not powerless over watermelon. OK, I have successfully abstained from watermelon.

OK, but that's huge because if you're new and you, you want to come in here and you know, hit some meetings up to you know, and then you'll be good to go. And well meaning people speaking out of ignorance, meaning lack of knowledge will patch you on the back and say don't drink and go to meetings. You'll be OK. Meeting makers do not make it unless they go long enough and then something happens. But many meeting makers disappear and nobody in the Home group even knows they're gone. OK, so I graduated that program. I moved back in with my wife and daughter

and I went six more months. So I had 18 months separated from alcohol. And I went grocery shopping and the idea of a beer popped into my mind. And it was a quarter Budweiser. And I got a quarter Budweiser. And three weeks later, I came home because my wife could smell the beer while I was drinking every day. And she knew I shouldn't drink. And we were fussing and she was nagging. And that's a buzzkill for me. OK? It is. I, I just like, I like mellow. I'm, I'm, I should have been a pot smoker. OK.

And so I came home

and I told her I'm leaving and I abandoned my wife and stepdaughter and I haven't seen him since. And that was 19951995 ish because I chose alcohol over my family.

So I moved in with some pilots. It's working for the airlines and we had a single family home and I was prepared to go on to the bitter end. I knew I was an alcoholic. I was not ready to pick up a kid of spiritual tools. I was willing to drink myself to death, which I knew it would happen eventually and I didn't care because I'm not hurting anybody but myself. OK. And what happened is I actually,

I stole a credit card from my parents and racked up $10,000 on it. And one of the things I bought was a computer. And I

hooked a computer up, got an AOL account, and the first word I ever typed into a search engine was Singapore, right? And found out the high school had a bulletin board for alumni. And I found my wife, my current wife, James

had found, she posted a message anybody from class in 1980. And so we connected through the Internet and phone calls and 'cause I work for the airlines, I could fly DC to Atlanta where she'd pick me up and I took her hostage. I literally she had no idea that I was a raving alcoholic.

She did a lot of stuff about me that she had no idea I am. I am the editor of the story I present to people,

OK. And there were certain things that, uh, she did not have a need to know. OK, so

So what happened is came down here, couldn't stop drinking, and I got the last stage. I got physiologically addicted to the alcohol. I absolutely had to drink in the morning. I was waking up with the shakes. I was drinking a beer like this. It was that bad.

Got the point where I couldn't work because I'd have to have two or three beers in the morning to study the nerves. But the phenomenon of craving that kicks in when I have two or three beers. If the craving didn't kick in, I could go to work. If it kicked in, I had to have more beer and then I couldn't go to work.

Um, So what happened is it got real bad. I was getting the night sweats and I didn't know what they were right. I thought I had, I'd urinated in the bed, but I hadn't, I mean it well, because it, it happened before in my life. So that's why that was my first thought, but I know now what it was, was the night sweats. So September 17th, 1998, I told my wife I, I needed, I needed to get some help. I didn't think I could stop drinking. And so next day we, I ended up at the University of Meadhaven and I

remember, and I was, you know, Josh, you know, we were talking about being sick and tired of being sick and tired. And something happened to me that first week there. I remember I went to, I got, I went to treatment. By the way, it was my two-month wedding anniversary, right? And I went to Miss Martha and I told her Martha was the family counselor there. And I said, there's a couple of things I need to tell Corey, I think because marriage is not necessarily based on the truth, right? And I my perception of what she said was, bless your heart, go with God.

And so I came home that night and I told Corey, I said, look, and this is dreaded words from an alcoholic that you're married to. I need to be rigorously honest with you. In fact, I still throw that out. Now, honey, we need to talk. It's always a great thing to watch the fear. Just like she around the house, she'll lay the book the dilemma of the alcoholic marriage, right? I'll be like, oh, hell, there's that book. What's you know what's going on?

So what I told my wife was I was not a college graduate because VMI, you get a class ring

your junior year. OK, so I had a class ring, all right. I told her I did not get out of the Army on an early out.

I was kicked out for alcohol rehabilitation failure and Medhaven was not my first treatment. It was my third and one of them was a year long.

Now, baby, here's why that's important. I truly expected my wife to leave me. Not that I wanted her to, but I was sick and tired of living that low down way of life, right? I was sick and tired of being me, you know? And so I was willing to be honest with somebody and face the consequences. And she didn't, she didn't leave me. Ida left me. I'm here to tell you, Ida left me. She's built for endurance, not for speed.

And she, she, she got into a she got into Al Anon right, right as a, right as I got sober.

And so, so that was a, that was a big, big turning point in my life. And I ended up going to, I got sober at metro sole purpose group and I got a sponsor and I told him I'm willing to do a 90 and 90. And he said, good for you, Skippy. How about you go to a meeting every night for a year? He said the meetings are at 8. We open at 7:00. I want you here at 7. The meeting ends at 9. We close at 10. I want you here to 10. So be here 7 to 10 for a year.

I thought that was kind of fanatical, but I said yes, OK. And now, now here's important, you know, in sponsorship,

my sponsor, this is how I was sponsored. I was sponsored through the big book up to a point. I was sponsored step one through 9, OK, religiously through the book. Step 10 was admitted when you're wrong. And step 11 was ask God to keep you sober. And step 12 was go chair a meeting and sponsor people. All right. And some amazing things happened to me.

We have the 10 step promises with a nine step promises, OK, before we're halfway through. And I did that work. I did that work rigorously. And amazing things happened to me. I went back to school at 90 days sober and I ended up

graduating with the 3.96 in management information systems. I had to take math and I had to learn computer stuff. And I found out that when I went to class and I didn't drink and I took notes and I raised my hand and I went to the professor and said I don't understand, can you help me? That I I could do very, very well. I got picked up by the Air Force in my junior year as a Co-op. That was 1999.

I started with them December 1999 and that's who I work for now. I still work for the the Air Force as a civilian.

In a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, one of my guys in my Home group, Thomas V, talked about as part of his immense process, he'd been a guest of the state of Alabama 1314 times and how what he could do to make that right. And his sponsor said, you know, why don't you go explore, see if you can get a pardon? So I talked to my sponsor, James Coley, at the time. And I said, James, you know, you know, I got that general under

under honorable discharge. And it's a great shame in my life because I let the Army down.

And he said, we'll go to the VA. And so I went to the VA and there's a form and I filled out the form and I didn't have any character references. I just put in there. I haven't been arrested since I've been discharged. I work for the Air Force. I've gone to school and I have, I got an honorable discharge from the United States Army. OK, I'm in another meeting. I'm in another meeting and Tammy F is speaking and Tammy F talks about how part of her journey is she got sober and she got a GED and she got an undergrad and she got a master's degree. And I, Cory and I were there and I turned to,

I believe I want to get a master's degree just for me. The old timers told me if I want to build myself esteem, to do things that are esteemable to me, right? And that was something that I've always wanted to do. There's no promotion attached to it. There's no extra money. It's something that I wanted to do. Notice two of those biggest events in my life came from going to meetings and hearing what people and Alcoholics Anonymous did in their life. And so we were able to do that to fund me, didn't take a loan and was able to do that. So things are rocking along.

I'm busy and I'm sponsoring people and I'm doing service work. I'm a GSR. I've been a GSR for six years at two different groups, three different groups.

I'm doing everything. And the key is I'm busy, right? I'm busy and I'm getting the gifts. Well, what happened is when the master's program was over and I had a little bit of

just started getting a little restless, right? Like I got that spring in my belly. Things are just getting tight

and going to meetings and I'm just getting, I don't know, it's just something, something's not right. And I started getting these things in the mail. My credit had repaired itself. I'd gone through bankruptcy in 95 before I got sober and I started getting those unsolicited credit cards I've been getting for a while, but now I'm opening them.

OK, so I'm calling the 1800, right? And

eventually over two year period,

got myself $42,000 into debt, OK. And I was buying stuff that when I hit buy, I knew wouldn't fix me, OK, I couldn't do it. I'm telling you, what I had is I was suffering from untreated alcoholism in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous, OK, because, and you're going to hear this, this is a big thing. I knew nothing about 10:00 and 11:00. I knew absolutely nothing about the disciplines of 10 and 11.

And So what happened to me is what was awakened

went back to sleep, OK? What was awakened, went back to sleep. All that work I had done, talk about resting on my laurels, I had stopped any type of looking at me, right? So what happens is over time, I'm deluded, right? That delusion never goes away. That's why regular inventory, besides inventory and sharing it with someone, my sponsor is not deluded because he's not emotionally involved in my life. He can give me an objective view. OK,

After a while, it's very insidious, right? Alcohols, cunning, baffling, powerful and subtle, right? You build a wall up front, right, to protect yourself and it comes around the flanks. You build a flank walls, and then it hits you from the rear. So then you put 360. Then he does an airborne assault on your butt. OK, you've got to treat this every day. Hey, how do we do that? We got steps for that. This is an, the 12 steps are an integrated holistic design for living.

All right? They're meant to be utilized every single day, right? That's what they talk about when they say this is a design for living, OK, Through this process, we Alcoholics are an undisciplined lot. And through this process, we let God discipline us. So what happened is I'm so spiritually developed that the day that my allowance could no longer pay my minimum balance due on my three credit cards. Oh, and also here's another thing. This is if you're out there, this is a little gut check.

I'm NAA and I'm doing the I'm doing the 12 steps right at Prattville and I'm sponsoring guys and I'm doing service.

I'm running home literally. I work at Gunner. I live in Wetumpka. My meet my Home group with strange camels notice not close to each other. I'm running home to get the mail to get the bills right. So my wife doesn't see him. OK, so that's dishonest. OK, Every now and then when she would say, hey, where did X come from, I would lie. OK, I'm consumed with fear. OK, so I'm not drinking and I'm consumed with fear.

I'm lying. Well, it's dishonesty. OK? Do you see what I'm saying?

Huge red flags. But I'm not drinking. So I'm a winner, right?

I'm a winner. I'm not drinking. Men and women drink primarily for the effect. Well, what effect?

The alcohol makes me feel OK with me. The alcohol quiets the shame, fear, guilt, remorse, anger. All right, so I'm real close to a drink and I don't even know it, right? The old. Well, I'll, if I ever think about drinking, I'll talk to Stan. I'm seeing Stan two twice a week. How you doing? How you doing? Right. I'm not telling him what's going on. I'm aware every day what's going on. I'm doing a mini inventory, right? I'm just not checking with somebody else, lest he just judge me

right. So now I've got spiritual pride, the only defective character I have today that I did not have when I got into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was unwilling to be honest with another man with what's going on in my life because I thought I should be better, OK, I should be better. So when I told my wife here's what's happened, she said, shockingly enough, it's just money. We'll figure out a way to deal with it. But she said, what are you willing to do different?

And there was a speaker, a guy named Scott, a guy named Scott Redmond from California. And I'd only heard one of his speaker tapes ever that he'd ever said the story that he has $81,000 in debt at 18 years. And my wife got his phone number through a taper. And I called this guy and he said, OK, call me next week. We'll do this deal. Right? And This is why I love speaker taste, because they expand your horizon beyond Montgomery, AL

OK, nothing wrong with Montgomery, AL, but Alcoholics Anonymous is bigger than your Home group, OK? It's bigger than your district. There are other people doing other things than what your sponsor says.

All right? So I called this guy and I got a pen and I got a legal pad and I got a calculator because I got financial issues, right? So this guy answers the phone and says, OK, man, he said, where you at in your 10th step practice? I was like, what? What

he's like, where you at? Where you at with God? What are you doing on your 11th step practice? Like dude, I got money issues and he said can't you have a spiritual disease and you're dying? And he said if you don't treat the spiritual illness, he said to all you've done is you. You've switched seats in the Titanic, right?

We talk in here about the marijuana maintenance program, right? Or having this, you know, acting out sexually or workaholism.

I was just spending, OK? So whether it's sex or other outside substances or workaholism or I've turned my will in my life over to the care of my ambitions, my career ambitions to gain money, anything. It's just I've switched substances that make me feel better about myself. OK, so this guy introduced me. I never heard anybody. Nobody. I didn't know anybody

that ever talked about this stuff, and I know now there are people here that do it, but I had never heard it. OK,

I'd been to big book studies, which in my opinion can sometimes become big book discussions. I never heard this right. So this guy started me doing this process.

During this time, he was dying of a terminal illness. He had pancreatic cancer, and he died at the age of 54. And so he introduced me to the spiritual disciplines of 10 and 11. And I want to tell you, this isn't some cult. What we did was right out of the Big Book. There was nothing we did that's weird. It's just out of the Big Book. And I'm willing to show any of you afterwards where it's at.